Jingles, taglines, slogans and a bonus quiz

While there are a few companies these days that produce some taglines and jingles, they pale in comparison to the ones of yesteryear. The old-school ones not only evoke memories of yesteryear, they also make you remember the product.

Now I am just using the old taglines and slogans as writing prompts today but just for fun, you are free to guess which one it is and the answers are at the end. If you ain’t in the mood for my foolishness, feel free to skip the column completely and just do the quiz, it won’t bother me at all.

1. It’s Not Nice to Fool

Mother Nature.

It may not be nice to fool

Mother Nature, but how come she gets a free pass to fool around with us? I mean, I had just started whistling “Good Day Sunshine,” “Here Comes the Sun” and “Walking on Sunshine” thinking the rain was behind us and finally washed my filthy Jeep. The next day it not only rained, it hailed. Oh hail no. Make up your mind. Plus it has been c-c-c-c-c-cc-cold. Well, it’s California cold. My youngest brother Scott, who lives in Saskatchewan where it has been in the low teens Fahrenheit, ain’t tryin’ to hear me complain about the cold. Whatevs. You deal with what you have to deal with. I’m just blasting the heat even though my PG&E bill is as high as Snoop Dogg.

2. Reach Out And Touch Someone.

I’m not really a hugger. Let me dial that in more accurately: I’m not averse to hugging, I’m just not a first hugger with anyone with whom I’m not completely sure are my hugging friend. The thing is, I sometimes can’t tell.

I remember running into a friend at the library who I hadn’t seen in years and I hugged her, and I immediately realized we were not hugging friends. I have not made that mistake again. I know that people have valid reasons for not wanting to be hugged, which can include many things up to and including my sometimes off-putting homemade cologne made from distilled garbanzo beans and Cholula hot sauce.

The pandemic put that kybosh on hugging, which was helpful, but now it’s making a comeback. I’m thinking of just asking people if they prefer hugging or non-hugging, like how the movie theater ushers used to ask you if you wanted smoking or non-smoking.

3. Don’t Leave Home Without It.

For most of my life I did not have a cellphone and yet now if I happen to leave the house without my phone, I will hightail it back there to get it.

Last week, I tried an experiment to see what my reaction would be to actually being out and about without my phone. At first I felt a vague sense of panic, marked by raised heartbeat, perspiration and an overwhelming sense of dread. What hysterical meme was I not seeing? Did someone like or comment on one of my columns? Whose phone call or text had I missed?

But after a considerable amount of time, all that went away, I settled down, adjusted and was calm, serene and con- fident. It turns out I don’t have to be constantly connected to a digital device like the way the Na’vi in “Avatar” got plugged into nature with their organic USB cords.

It was a revelation. An incredibly exhilarating fourand-half-minute revelation.

4. It’s The Real Thing.

Many years ago I experimented with marijuana. Now, a lot of people use the word experimented to try to dress up the actual situation they were engaged in. It usually involved smoking phat doobies then watching “Fritz the Cat” while listening to Led Zeppelin playing backward and trying to pioneer the fried-chicken-icecream-pizza-burger.

That was not my experience.

I had a laboratory (which I pronounced luh-bore-uh-tory because it sounded more official), wore a crisp white lab coat and followed the scientific method. I made careful notes about the outcomes of my experimental use and how it lined up with the hypothesis I had posited beforehand.

Oh, and I meticulously tracked my giggles.

Anyway, things being what they were in those pre-legal weed days, my supply wasn’t always the best quality and I once got some that was the male plant. Without going into a botany lesson, basically the female weed plant is what you want as it has much more THC, which is what produces the high. Cheech and Chong could have smoked as much of that impotent weed I had as they would at a Blind Melon Chitlin’ concert and been as sober as a judge. I stashed the useless weed in our garage and forgot about it. Years later my mom was cleaning it out and found it. I still remember what she said: “Look at this! Marijuana! The real thing!” I thought, “Uh, no it’s not” and hoped she couldn’t read my thought balloon.

5. How Do You Spell Relief?

Well, I sometimes spell it AC/DC. Let me explain. Since I gave up coffee over three and a half years ago, to pump myself up in the morning I often listen to loud rock music in the shower and also when getting dressed. Truth be told, I did the same thing when I did drank coffee, but whatever.

Anyway, last week I was listening to the 1976 AC/DC album “High Voltage,” which has a song called “The Jack” on it. It’s a 12-bar blues-rock song and while on the surface it’s talking about playing cards, like many tunes by the Australian group, it’s full of double entendres.

After I was dressed, my wife Beth walked up and put her arms around me and we started to sway together to the music. It was a nice spontaneous loving morning moment. I then broke the romantic spell when I said, “You know we’re slow dancing to a song about gonorrhea, right?”

Answers: 1. Chiffon Margarine 2. Bell System 3. American Express 4. Coca-Cola 5. Rolaids.

5 correct: You’re awesome and it’s also probably time to schedule your colonoscopy.

4-3 correct: You are forgiven for forgetting some.

2-1 correct: It may be past nap time.

0 correct: Why are you even reading this? Go back to TikTok.

Oh, and if you skipped my whole column and just did the quiz, I lied about it not bothering me. You stink.

Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns: “ The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press books “Growing Up In Fairfield, California” and “Lost Restaurants of Fairfield, California” and hosts the Channel 26 government access TV show “Local Legends.” He doesn’t really think you stink if you skipped the column. But don’t do it again.