‘The Bachelor,’ Shakespeare and Homer – Why poems must rhyme

Start with an embarrassing premise: Mrs. Brad and I were watching “The Bachelor” recently (OK, get your laughs out of the way. Ha ha ha) and the guy who all the women were pursuing wrote a poem to a woman named Kaity and then read it.

I don’t remember what it said, but I remembered what it didn’t do: Rhyme

It was a poem without rhymes, which I immediately told Mrs. Brad was wrong. I even freestyled for her a poem he could have written: “Hello Kaity. We’re on a date-y. I won’t keep you out late-y to determine whether you will be my matey. I promise not to do anything shady.”

It was freestyle! It was great! It rhymed! Mrs. Brad, who has a degree in English, shot back with the same ridiculous answer

I’ve heard my entire life: Poems don’t have to rhyme.

Which is patently ridiculous.

Poems don’t have to rhyme? Then what makes something a poem? Is this sentence a poem? Is the Declaration of Independence a poem?

Is a note from a parent to a teacher a poem?

To augment my argument, I did what I’ve been doing since I was in elementary school and needed to lengthen an assignment: I looked it up in Webster’s Dictionary.

According to Webster’s

(which is how you always phrase these things), a poem is “a metrical writing,” (a definition I ignored because we don’t use the metric system) or the production of a poet.

What? I bet the definition of “poet” is “one who writes poems.” It’s a circular argument.

There was a second definition: “writing that formulates a concentrated imaginative awareness of experience in language chosen and arranged to create a specific emotional response through meaning, sound and rhythm.” Yeah, whatever. Here’s what I think that means: Something that rhymes.

All the English teachers reading this are pulling out their hair, screaming into the void that poems don’t need to rhyme. On that, I’ll give them partial credit because, for instance, we all learned that haikus needn’t rhyme.

But here’s a memorable haiku:

What is a poem?

Is it words that just go on?

No. There must be rhymes.

Isn’t that proof enough? Isn’t it clear that when a haiku – the only exception to Stanhope’s Poems Must Rhyme Rule –says that poems must rhyme? That’s as good as Webster’s Dictionary.

So we can agree, right? It’s fine to write flowery prose. It’s fine to write beautiful odes to nature or love or the hit-andrun play or finding a parking spot at the Post Office. But those are not poems. Those are nice, pretty things to write.

Poems have to rhyme. They had to rhyme when Homer wrote “The Odyssey” (first line: This is the story of Achilles / Who could have played outfield for the Phillies / He went out the door / And went off to war / And got an injury that gives me the willies.”). Poems also rhymed when Shakespeare was writing them (highlight from “Hamlet”: “To be or not to be, that is the question; when you eat hot dogs you get indigestion.”)

Finally, poems absolutely should rhyme when they’re on “The Bachelor,” which is the modern equivalent of Homer and Shakespeare’s productions. By the way, Kaity “won,” if that’s how you define winning on that show.

Brad Stanhope is a poet. Reach him at bradstanhope@ outlook.com.

April brings plenty of activities at Solano Land Trust properties

SuSan Hiland SHILAND@DAILYREPUBLIC.NET

FAIRFIELD — Solano

Land Trust provides plenty of outdoor activities for the whole family year round. This month they will be offering walks and other fun activities.

Each event requires registration.

The events include: n A Nature Hike at Patwino Worrtla Kodoi Dihi Open Space Park on April 8 from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Moderately strenuous, 4-6 miles. Cancels for rain or extreme weather. n Plein Air Painting

Outing at Patwino Worrtla Kodoi Dihi Open Space Park on April 12 from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Join fellow artists on a plein air painting outing at the beautiful Patwino Worrtla Kodoi Dihi Open Space Park, accompanied by two Solano Land Trust docents. No art instruction will take place, but there will be an art sharing at 12:30 p.m. Please bring

BRIGHT spot

your own art supplies, water, snacks, a chair, and an easel if desired. This outing will be limited to 25 artists so be sure to register soon. $5 fee per person (pay in person at event). Meet at 2061 Rockville Road, Fairfield.

n Community Science King-Swett Ranches on April 14 from 9 a.m. to noon. Join Solano Land Trust Project Manager Jasmine Westbrook-Barsukov for April’s Community Science Volunteer Opportunity. Be a part of Solano Land Trust’s work to conserve and protect land in Solano County. Participants will work on tree cage removal, upgrades to bigger cages, and weeding. This will be a gardening party with lovely views and good people. Bring gloves, layers, sunscreen, water, knee pads if you use them for gardening. Directions will be sent once your registration has been confirmed.

n Journey Downtown in Vacaville will host a volunteer appreciation and recruitment event on April 22 from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. at Journey Downtown at The Library, Vacaville, for land trust volunteers. This event is open to both experienced Solano Land Trust volunteers and brand new ones who want to sign up at the event. Suggested donation of $10/person for all you can eat pizza plus a raffle ticket. New volunteers that sign up at this event will receive an additional raffle ticket. n Earth Day Cleanup will be on April 22 from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. at Rush Ranch. Solano Land Trust invites the public to celebrate Earth Day weekend by volunteering to remove litter along Grizzly Island Rd. This is the main road that serves as a scenic drive leading visitors into Suisun Marsh, and to destinations like Belden’s Landing and Rush Ranch Open Space. We need your help to keep this marsh beautiful and healthy. n The 33rd annual Rush Ranch Open House will be on April 29 from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. at Rush Ranch. The Rush Ranch Open House is free to all and packed with fun for all ages. Visitors can shop from local vendors and at the Rush Ranch Outfitters Shop for art, food from local farms, jewelry, and more. Kids and adults can learn about the natural and cultural history of Rush Ranch, play games, and do engaging science and engineering activities. Guests will also get to meet the horses that live at Rush Ranch, see grazing cows, and take horse-drawn wagon rides with Access Adventure (including accessible options). There will also be guided walks of Suisun Marsh, which is part of Rush Ranch and home to many endangered species, going out throughout the day. Food will be available to purchase and raffle tickets will be sold with over a dozen different prizes. Please join us at this free, outdoor event with something for everyone! n Trail Crew Volunteer Opportunity are welcome to help on April 29 from 9 a.m. to noon at Patwino Worrtla Kodoi Dihi Open Space Park. Come join us in building trails and amenities at Patwino Worrtla Kodoi Dihi Open Space Park. Get a sneak peek of the park before it opens to the public, meet cool people who care about land in Solano County, and be part of the legacy of this beautiful new park. n Nature Hike on April 29 from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. at Lynch Canyon Open Space. This hike will take visitors westward along Middle Valley Trail leading to Prairie Ridge. Expect a 5-mile hike at a moderate but even pace over uneven ground. Muddy spots will have cattle prints. There are steep climbs over several hills with the longest at Prairie Ridge but the views are worth it. Cancels for rain or extreme weather. For information on meeting locations, directions, and registration, visit the events page at solanolandtrust.org/events. For additional questions, call 707-420-1041.

Bring water, protection from the sun, and gloves if you have them. (Gloves for those who need them and other supplies will be distributed at the site.)

It is the Daily Republic’s policy to correct errors in reporting. If you notice an error, please call the Daily Republic at 425-4646 during business hours weekdays and ask to speak to the editor in charge of the section where the error occurred. Corrections will be printed here.