Meet the New Deans: Sheldon Cooper, Bill Nye, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cyndi Lauper and Bugs Bunny

organizing everything compulsively and also using big science-y words.” local feral cats.

The time has come for a change in leadership and four people have stepped up to take the reins as the deans of the School of Engineering, Science, Liberal Arts, Business and Health Professions.

The selection process for the new deans was carefully planned out to ensure the best candidates were selected. The top qualities across all candidates were a sense of impending doom, the ability to inflict chaos at inconvenient moments and a knack for home decorating.

The School of Engineering proudly welcomes Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D., of the Big Bang Theory to be at the helm of all engineering student and faculty decisions. Friends of Cooper constantly note his hatred for an untidy work environment, which makes him ideal for cleaning up lab messes. Longtime friend Penny Hofstadter commented on Cooper’s top qualities and his journey to becoming dean.

“He’s been a pain in my ass for several years now,” Hofstadter said. “Super clean freak, kinda has a thing for

Howard Wolowitz, aerospace engineer, has been the butt of Cooper’s hatred for engineers but shared some wise words about the dean.

“He still won’t acknowledge engineering as a real science,” Wolowitz said. “To be honest I’m just waiting to see how long it takes until he blows up on someone for not sanitizing their hands.”

Anyone who wishes to schedule an appointment with Cooper must knock three times on his office door (fans of the show, you get it).

On a similar note was the selection of Bill Nye, Ph.D., for the School of Science. Nye shared his excitement to begin his term as dean and noted the new changes he wants to make.

“I’m really looking for students to get hands on in their learning,” Nye said. “That includes physically going into the forest to hunt for their own elements for experiments, to build character of course.”

Nye also noted that he plans to update facilities in the science buildings on campus, which will include a laser pointer at the front of Hayden Hall to allow students to play with the

“The goal is to showcase all types of science in the school,” Nye said. “All I ask is for students to be patient as we will have live specimens that may or may not be legal in NY and require some extra attention.”

When he’s not busy making deals on Wall Street, Leonardo DiCaprio will be guiding students and faculty in the School of Business. His plans include immersing students in real-world applications of the finance and business world to prepare them for their careers.

“Picture this, they’ll be trading with real financial leaders in the global world, but no one over the age of 26 of course, we’re professionals here,” DiCaprio said. “The plan is to make sure they can be smart and think quickly on their feet.”

DiCaprio also has the vision of expanding the programs of the school to offer more majors in the financial sector. Some of these upcoming programs include counting by 10s, how to fold a one dollar bill and the art of overspending at Target.

“I’m really hoping these changes inspire them to be leaders in the financial world,” DiCaprio said. “If it doesn’t, they’re welcome to try and outbid me on the trading floor.”

Candidate for the School of Liberal Arts, Cyndi Lauper, spoke highly of the goals she has for the school and the students.

“I truly believe that everyone has a unique voice and message they want to share,” Lauper said. “There’s no need to hide behind the curtain. I want our students to shine.”

She noted that SoLA will be introducing new community projects between students and Riverdale residents to promote more unity in the arts. In particular, she’s hoping to initiate a “Sing your heart out” competition where people can show their true colors through the art of song or lyrical writing.

“At the end of the day I want to see everyone coming together, time after time,” Lauper said. “Life can be stressful, but when guys and girls want to have fun we shouldn’t hold them back.”

Another significant appointment was that of Bugs Bunny as the Dean of the School of Health Professions. Administration appointed Bunny for his ability to connect with students and give them clear advice about their careers.

Provost Smither Bile commented on Bunny’s keen leadership skills and how his ideas will enhance the school.

“He’s very concise in his planning and ideas,” Bile said. “He did have a bit of an odd request to not allow ducks on campus but I’m most confident in our decision that he will lead our students in their careers.”

Bunny wrote in an email to The Quadrangle explaining the new health initiatives he plans to roll out throughout the semester. Among these plans include a carrot festival to promote nutrition and a healthy lifestyle.

“They’re nature’s superfood I tell you,” Bunny wrote. “There’s nothing like the sound of that crunch after a long day at work. I think they’ll be a smash.”

Bunny also plans to ensure a smooth pipeline for students to get into the medical school of their choice by updating the curriculum for health majors.

“I want them to learn old-fashioned medical procedures just like I did,” Bunny wrote. “Now Daffy may disagree, but I think sneaking that dynamite into his protein shake was the best health decision I ever made for him.”

Bunny shared some words of encouragement for future medical students to continue their goal of advancing healthcare.

“Eh, [carrot crunching] what’s up doc?”