Self Identified Group “High on Quack” Infiltrates MC Campus Via Gaping Sidewalk Hole

construction agency’s involvement in the excavation.

A new development has occurred regarding the gaping hole in the sidewalk across from Kelly Commons. It was revealed earlier this week by anonymous sources that a local construction company was commissioned by the FBI to find what they suspect is a portal to another dimension, one full of ducks.

An anonymous tip was sent to The Quadrangle that the construction company was called to investigate the sidewalk after residents surrounding the school reported multiple students vanishing at the crosswalk and suspicious feathers flying around the area.

One of the construction workers, who requested to be referred to as Vance, claimed it was the strangest project he had ever been involved with in his 25 years with the company.

“The further we dug, the more feathers we saw,” said Vance. “Then, the weirder things got. Once the first student came forward claiming they were abducted to an underground wonderland by a duck-like creature, more and more students started coming forward with their stories.”

As the lab-tested feathers discovered in the hole checked out with student’s stories, the school, in partnership with the federal government, halted the

Alice Cheshire was one of the first students to come forward about her experience. In her report to Brumilda Hornswoggle, head of the Investigation Committee, Cheshire claimed that she overheard the ducks talking about overthrowing the school’s president, Drother Braniel, while being probed and questioned about her religious studies homework.

“I was scared to approach the school about such a sensitive topic,” Cheshire admitted. “But Brumilda could not have been more understanding. Once other students started coming forward with their stories, it solidified my belief that this was something the school needed to be involved with. Once I mentioned my concerns about Drother Braniel, a full investigation was launched.”

As it turns out, the president had been stuck in the underground portal for months, and the school was being run by Donald, leader of the underground group High on Quack.

Drother Braniel told The Quadrangle that while he was at first fearful of his captors, he became acquaintances with them when he understood they were simply curious, and did not intend to cause him harm.

“Honestly, aside from being stuck underground beside the NYC sewer system, the time off was a blessing,” President Braniel explained. “When my release was finally negotiated with the authorities, all I could think was, I’m never eating roast duck at Locke’s again.”

In a statement earlier this week, POTUS Salexandria Oscar-Kotex (SOK) said that she hopes to be able to come to an amicable agreement with the ducks so that the FBI and its partner agencies are able to continue investigations while creating a positive dialogue with the species to learn more about their origins.

“We hope to be able to continue our investigations into the origins of the group High on Quack,” said Oscar-Kotex. “While they are unknown creatures who have been abducting students and the president, which they will be punished accordingly for, we truly believe this group’s intentions are not malicious and purely come from curiosity about our species.”

Brumilda Hornswoggle said students on campus who have been in contact with the ducks were interviewed by her prior to speaking with federal agencies.

“The students who have come forward speaking about their experiences with the unidentified species have each noted positive interactions with them,” Hornswoggle said. “Multiple students who have spoken with me mentioned the duck’s curiosity when it came to the college they were inhabiting, unbeknownst to those living above ground.”

Hornswoggle assured the general public that safety measures were taken to ensure any over exaggerations or false information was stopped at the source.

“These students have been tested against a ‘lie detector’ test of sorts to ensure that their recollections of their interactions with these ducks are authentic, and that they are not overexaggerating simply to get press coverage,” Hornswoggle said.

When asked for clarification about what the ‘lie detector’ consisted of, Hornswoggle let on that allowing some of the more aggressive ducks to stare the students down while rubbing their wings together menacingly seemed to do the trick, while managing to save the college money on professional equipment.

The Quadrangle was given an exclusive interview with the duck inhabiting the office of the President at MC. Donald, the brains behind the operation, explained the chaotic few weeks High on Quack has had.

“This is really like our coming out story, you know,” explained Donald. “All we can hope for is acceptance. We plan to cooperate fully with the US government’s investigation and create a deal allowing my ducks to remain in their hole peacefully, just as the government wants Manhattan students to be able to stay on campus safely.”

The Quadrangle is highly involved in this investigation and is dedicated to keeping the population of MC as well as surrounding residents and ducks alike updated with this story as it develops.