The Judges of Jaspers Got “Talent” (problems)

Karrot the manager and Mack Attack

Simon Cowell has formally announced the special feature episode of America’s Got Talent titled, Jaspers Got Problems. This special episode will feature students and staff of Manhattan College putting in their best efforts to show off the messed up so-called, “Talents”(Problems) they got.

The judges of this special episode will feature Simon Cowell, Howie Mendell, John Mansplainington, Cocaine Bear who is on probation from his last visit at MC and The Coolest Guy At Manhattan College Zach Scwab.

John Mansplainington, a junior finance major, explained his theory of what he believed would be considered talent as a judge for the competition.

“As a man in business, I know what is best for the people. It’s show BUSINESS. You have a big supply of amateur artists and the demand for their talent by us judges. Talent means making people believe you’re actually sane, ” explained Mansplainington. “ Even though I have never taken a single class related in any way to the performing arts, as I said, supply and demand, a man in business. I am basically a certified talent judge.”

The coolest guy on campus, Scwab, explained their thoughts on this special America’s Got Talent Feature.

“ I don’t even know what exactly I am doing here. I walked out to get milk and then bam I heard a bear and Howie Mendell as they put a bag over my head and whispered in my ear, ‘ you’re our fifth judge now.’ But I guess it’s cool I get to sit in a cool chair and make fun of people so yeah.”

Cocaine Bear’s talent manager Paul Blart spoke on Cocaine Bear’s behalf. He explained that this was a great way to boost Cocaine Bear’s PR and bring him back in a new light under the public eye.

“Cocaine Bear is back and better than ever. We know he had some issues in the past with the campus but he’s been smelling roses instead of, you know, illegal substances, and has been meeting with his old friend Howie Mendall over coffee. This was all Cocaine’s Bear Idea Ya know? Pretty uh, pretty cool” Blart said.

One of the rules for the judges is to refrain from laughing during the performances and to do their best to show many types of emotion. The goal is to create as much anxiety within the competitors similar to the kind one gets during exams week.

Scwab shared a bit about what he was told to do as a judge on the episode.

“Apparently I’m not supposed to laugh but there’s a lot of people here at MC with some crazy funny problems, I mean, talents,” said Scwab. “I’m not sure how this will all go down but hey, I’m just going where ever I’m taken every time someone puts a bag over my head.”

Blart spoke a bit about Cocaine Bear’s thoughts on the rules.

“Cocaine Bear will try his best to remain stoic during the episode. Given his love for all kinds of talents, he can get a bit out of hand when he hears certain music connected to previous episodes so to speak but we’ve been informed that roses will be on deck if needed,” explained Blart.

Dean Smoothly, a senior triple major in physics, math and biology, is a contestant on the show. He shared a bit about his talent which involves singing while riding a unicycle.

“Oh, I’ve got talent. I discovered this one during one of my many nervous breakdowns prior to a physics midterm,” explained Smoothly. “I have found that my screeching as I try to find my balance on the unicycle, my coping mechanism, sounds almost exactly like Beyonce hitting a high note. I’m definitely someone to keep an eye out for.”

Winnie Datesalot, a sophomore kinesiology major, is planning on being a contestant as well. She said she heard about the special feature from her friend Mansplainington.

“I was reading a flyer about it and John [Mansplainington] went out of his way to restate everything I just read but with business terminology,” said Datesalot. “He’s like so smart. I get stage fright and projectile vomit. I dance similarly to a fish out of the water but John signed me up without my permission so I could expand my horizons through extracurriculars. He’s so thoughtful.”

Mansplainington expressed being excited to be in charge of the episode and be able to expand his expertise.

“It’s all about expanding my resume. I basically have qualifications in every aspect of business: fashion, stocks, comedy and now entertainment. There is no one more experienced than me, a man involved in everyone and everything’s business. I was born to be a leader. This show will thrive under me,” said Mansplanington. “Forget what Cowell says, I know the business. I have coordinating suits and ties to prove it. Watch the show, it will be great. ”