Cocaine Bear Takes the Quad

Cocaine Bear joined in on the routine.

On Wednesday, March 22, Manhattan College held its second annual Jasper Wellness Day. However, no one could have expected the events to come, which caused anything but wellness.

As students walked around campus, enjoying their time off from classes and petting puppies on the quad, the unexpected happened: Cocaine Bear stormed the Quad.

Billy Joe, a student at MC, was walking on the Quad when the takeover occurred.

“It was honestly pretty crazy,” Joe said, “I was just drinking a smoothie on the Quad when all of a sudden Cocaine Bear was there.”

The bear immediately began to wreak havoc.

“It started drinking all of the smoothies that were on the table, and demanded more,” Joe explained, “It was strange because I didn’t know bears knew how to use cups.”

After drinking all of the smoothies on the Quad, the Cocaine Bear then focused its attention on the MC Jasper Dancers.

Betty White, a professor at Manhattan, watched as the

“At first I thought he was going to attack the dancers, but then he started breaking out into a dance routine,” explained White.

What surprised White the most, the bear seemed to have some talent.

“The funny thing was that the bear was actually really good. I don’t know if it was the Cocaine or if it picked up something during its recent filming, but that bear has got talent.”

Once they realized Cocaine Bear did not aim to harm them, Manhattan College students actually began to take photos and selfies with it.

After the performance, Cocaine Bears talent manager, Paul Blart, came running onto the Quad to get the bear. After speaking to Cocaine Bear to calm him down and get him back to safety, Blart apologized.

“I just want to apologize on behalf of myself and Cocaine Bear,” Blart stated, “After getting such bad reviews on the movie, Cocaine Bear has been on a bit of a downward spiral.”

Cocaine Bear then walked off of the Quad, waving goodbye and getting in an Uber home.

President Brother Daniel Planter of Manhattan College released an apology to all students and staff that witnessed Cocaine Bears’ breakdown.

“To all students and staff who witnessed or were affected by Cocaine Bear getting onto campus, I want to formally apologize,” Planter said, “Wellness Day was meant to be relaxing for students, not scary.”

No one really knows how

Cocaine Bear made it onto campus, but it is assumed that he must have Ubered there as well.

“We aren’t quite sure how Cocaine Bear made it onto campus, but this is definitely an incident that is cause for better security,” said Planter.

Unfortunately Cocaine Bear was not able to give a statement, however, Paul Blart did reach out afterward via email reminding MC students and staff to watch Cocaine Bear as soon as possible.

Mental breakdown or publicity stunt, Cocaine Bear definitely made Jasper Wellness Day a bit more interesting and hectic for MC students and staff.