shorTs Basketball Team Loses MAAC without Jake’s Steakhouse

Meat Lover Yumm

A discontinued relationship with Jake’s Steakhouse has left the basketball team forced to find their protein in Locke’s Loft, which as claimed by previous head coach Masiello, does not provide the adequate amount of nutrients, protein, or creatine needed to keep up their 2021-2022 15-15 record.

Manhattan College staff are arguing that Locke’s Loft has an abundance of protein for the team to enjoy.

“I find it ridiculous that they are questioning our protein options,” said the school’s dietician. “Wasn’t it just yesterday that people were praising us for the insects found in the salad bar?”

Locke’s Loft has been implementing the use of crickets, mealworms and grasshoppers into their food, allegedly on purpose, to accommodate for the basketball team’s arrival in Locke’s Loft. Studies have shown that eating 125 grams of crickets has the same amount of protein found in an average size piece of steak, making it an ideal, cost effective solution to the issue.

New choices in the new “insect-ion” offer New York Sect steak, Filet Mealworm, and Ribfly options for athletes on the men’s basketball team. Other athletes are required to eat on the same food line as the rest of the student population, if they are even allowed to enter Locke’s Loft at all.

Most other student athletes have found that their Jasper IDs will not gain them access to most campus buildings, including the dining hall. When asked for a solution to this problem, the athletics department sent military rations and celsius to the teams’ practice spaces. For some who called, the school had no record of their sport existing on campus.

Still, the new insect-ion is a necessary improvement to the campus’ overall dining experience for Division I athletes. 2022-2023 was the first year that Manhattan basketball did not have access to Jake’s Steakhouse, and director of intercollegiate athletics, Maribeth Really, credits the lack of energy on the court to this lack of protein.

“I think part of the problem is the athletes of this school are expected to eat with the NARPS,” Really said. “It’s bad enough they’re expected to all go to class together, but now they’re eating the same too? Obviously the food meant for NARPS cannot sustain the nutritional needs of an active body.”

When asked if the other athletic teams besides men’s basketball were still expected to eat with the NARPS (non-athletic regular people), Really said she “just wants everyone to have fun.”

Jake’s Steakhouse refused to comment on the relationship between Manhattan College Basketball and their restaurant, however after calling, the Quad received a T-Bone with the words “send help, the athletics department is holding me hostage” written in mashed potatoes - which were delicious. So delicious, in fact, that the Quad would like to formally request that all future ransom meat be sent directly to the newspaper office in Kelly 4.12 (our writers prefer it cooked medium well).

Rumor has it the relationship between the Steakhouse and the basketball team was severed by a little girl writing for her school newspaper. Many are arguing that the steak is a necessary reward for being one of the only revenue sports at Manhattan College, however a recent study showed that the basketball team failed to break even last year after using their earned funds to purchase additional red-bottom sneakers for the coaching staff.

Former interim head coach RaShawn Stores finds the whole thing “ridiculous”, and has taken it upon himself to cook nutritious meals for all student athletes on campus, including the spirit squads. He was promoted to head of the cooking line in Locke’s Loft after just one day serving food to the campus community.