FEATURING OVER 100,000 ACTIVITIES, SOME OF WHICH ARE INSIDE THIS BOOK.
FRED ARMISEN CARRIE BROWNSTEIN JONATHAN KRISEL
UNCORRECTED PROOF NOT FOR RESALE
McSWEENEY’S s a n fr a n c i sc o www. m c sw e e n e y s. n e t
THE PORTLANDIA ACTIVITY BOOK
Trademark and copyright © 2014 Broadway Video Entertainment, Inc. Portlandia and its related characters and trademarks are property of Broadway Video Entertainment, Inc. Design by Sunra Thompson and Dan McKinley. All rights reserved, including right of reproduction in whole or part in any form. McSweeney’s and colophon are registered trademarks of McSweeney’s, a privately held company with wildly fluctuating resources. ISBN 978-1-938073-97-7
i l l l us t r at i ons i n t h i s sa m ple r w e r e d o n e b y
FRED ARMISEN CARRIE BROWNSTEIN JONATHAN KRISEL
Joana Avillez (6–7, 12–15), Kelsey Dake (8–9), and Monica Ramos (16–17)
EDITED BY SAM RILEY
RANGE OF EMOTION (INCLUDING BOTH HAPPINESS AND ANXIETY) SHAMEFUL BOOK
EXCESS PANTS OPEN MIND BABY
SCISSORS
DEAR READER, we’ve never met, but we get you. You’re sitting
FINGERS (TWO OR MORE)
in the dark, suppressing kale indigestion and nervously wondering, Will I be good at this book? Don’t worry about that yet. You’ve spent the $28, there’s
PENCIL
nothing left to lose. This is the first five minutes of yoga and nothing hurts yet.
STUFF YOU’LL NEED TO COMPLETE THIS BOOK
PARTY
This is summer camp for troubled teens: we are raw with emotion, bonding in the wilderness with nothing but our 100 percent Gaia-given instincts. And even camper Jeremy, tragically born with constricted nasal passages and without reflexes, mastered these activities. We think you will, too.
GAPING HOLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT CAN ONLY BE FILLED BY ARTS AND CRAFTS
We’re going to Portland. You’ve heard about it. You’ve lived there, visited, or, more likely, you’re there now, afraid to venture beyond the city limits, because last time you tried you wandered around lost for hours before caving and paid for a cab to take you home. But do you really get it?
FIVE OR MORE YEARS’ EXPERIENCE IN ANYTHING
This series of activities is here to help you Portland-actualize. You will be tried, BASIC MATH SKILLS BLACK PAINT
you will be tested, you will be layering multiple layers of flannel at once but it will never be enough flannel. By the time you’ve made it to the end, you will have arrived at a higher flannel-insulated state of consciousness, imbued with the heady confidence of a spoken-word poet at open-mic night.
COLORED PENCILS OR CRAYONS OR MARKERS
This is a formal invitation to your inner Portland. Won’t you RSVP? (We’re having it catered, and we need to know how much food to get in advance.)
CALENDAR (GREGORIAN PREFERRED)
STANDARD 78-COUNT DECK OF TAROT CARDS
GLUE STICK
Yours, B&B INVESTORS OR $500,000 IN UNMARKED BILLS
Writer
PORTLAND’S 584,800 RESIDENTS ARE ALL UNIQUELY BEAUTIFUL!
TAKE THE PORTLANDER CHALLENGE BY MATCHING EACH PICTURE TO ITS CORRECT PROFILE.
PORTLAND
PROFILES FEMALE
MALE
WENDELL
MEREDITH
Meter maid by
Host of podcast
day; not working
“Earnestly
by night
Living”
JASON
JANICE
Master weaver
Living statue/
for the East
pedicab driver
Portland Wicker Cooperative; recently
RHONDA A
B
A
B
Invented “treehouse squatting”
hit 30,000 follower goal on Pinterest
WINDSONG Four-year Lilith Fair attendee
OLLIE Roller Derby DJ (apprentice)
JOAQUIN Whittling champion (single‑parent division) and professor at local
C
D
C
D
university answers: A: Janice; B: Meredith; C: Rhonda; D: Windsong
answers: A: Ollie; B: Jason; C: Wendell; D: Joaquin
A RE YOU INA CULT?
Answer the following questions with a heart torn open.
Yes
No
Do you laugh on your own terms?
○
○
Are you hesitant to tell your mother about your new friends?
○
○
Do you find yourself setting late-night fires often?
○
○
Do your thoughts sound like mantras?
○
○
Do you have “apocalypse” written on your calendar?
○
○
Is your dog a wolf ?
○
○
Do you raise your hand before you know what you’re volunteering for?
○
○
Does your incoming mail usually have a return address?
○
○
Is your fertility brought up in conversation more than once a week?
○
○
Have you ever heard yourself say, “Wait, that’s not my dad”?
○
○
Are people always telling you how and when to breathe but never explaining why?
○
○
Do you recall the last time you saw sunlight?
○
○
Is your knitting circle the best one in the entire world?
○
○
Do you have the same name as all your friends?
○
○
Do you have any other outfits?
○
○
If you answered Yes to 8 or more questions, you are in a cult. If you answered No to 7 or more questions, you still could be in a cult.
◄ ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE MEMBERS OF DIFFERENT CULTS.
ONLINE REVIEWS FOR THE FLEDGLING CRITIC
The Enthusiastic SelfPromoting Review
might soothe my glandular
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
phrenitis, which started to
PORTLANDIA UNIVERSITY’S MFA PROGRAM
MY MOTHER’S KITCHEN ★★★★★
throb a little that afternoon.
My mother’s the best and
to arrive, I got one of my
I love everything she makes.
migraines (my mom says
The meatloaf—amazing.
it’s Epstein-Barr, but I’m
PDX STARTER GUIDE
While I waited for my food
The casserole—forget
not sure). In the end, the
about it. And her
jalapeño poppers made
CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN CRITIQUE Write your own fictional online
Bundt cake! That’s
my migraine disappear
the only thing that
(however, I did get a weird
matters. It’s been
rash that evening, though it
what that says about the
three months since
reviews in the new hybrid genres listed below.
might have been a mosqui-
integrity of the ground beef
The Basing All My Opinions on a
I graduated from college and
to’s concentrated attack on a
patties. Smelled delicious,
Single Experience Review
I’m not sure about anything
three-inch area on my neck).
though, and I will recom-
Critique is no longer an activity reserved for mothers
these days but when I’m
No major developments on
mend it to friends.
and journalists. Today we’re all critics capable of turning
alone with that Bundt cake
the trench foot so far.
our subjective experiences into incisive, factual data. The
and my childhood toys,
Internet is the critic’s playground, providing ample free space
I don’t need anything else.
for brutal overshares and expository tales of health-code
The This Is More Than Food, This Is Life Review
The Wrong Website The Everything Is Worse Than
The Strictly Hypothetical
Review
I don’t mean to sound like
Review
SAFEWAY ★★★★✩
violations. As a critic on a quest to preserve truth, your
I’m doing marketing for my mother’s kitchen, but I can’t
BILLY’S ORIGINAL BURGER JOINT ★★✩✩✩
I saw you in the parking
writing skills will serve you more than all the other skills you list on your resumé. Here, we’ll concentrate on the various
help it. And since I’m here,
I have not yet stepped foot
wearing all black, so it’s
approaches to a successful online review.
if anyone out there reading
into Billy’s Original Burger
likely you’re goth. I couldn’t
this is hiring, I would give up
Joint but the walk-by vibe
tell if it was, like, a laundry-
the Bundt cake for full-time
I got was, to put it nicely, less
day type of thing or if you’re
The I’m Witty and Need an
or part-time employment.
than welcoming. Assuming
in mourning or if it was a
Outlet Review
Billy is an actual person
lifestyle choice. Anyways,
The All About Me Review
lot the other day. You were
It Was Eight Years Ago Review The I Won’t Remember This Tomorrow Review The Repressed Foodie Review
and not someone’s idea for
watching you unload
The My Account Has Been
STARDUST LOUNGE ★★★★✩
making a crappy restaurant
groceries into your trunk,
Shut Down Three Times And
seem more personable,
I couldn’t help but notice
Last Tuesday I was doctor
would it kill Billy to fix that
your canvas bags, which
shopping when my big toe
awning? The g in Original
made me think we share a
started to hurt (I figured
seems to have peeled off.
moral platform? I don’t know
it was trench foot). I was
I’m not sure what exactly is
if you remember me, but
near the Stardust Lounge
original about that place.
you turned to me and said,
and wanted to check it
Is it the first joint in Billy’s
“Can I help you? What are
out for a while (before
hamburger franchise, or
you staring at?” I’d love to get
WebMD diagnosed me with
is it the joint itself that’s
coffee with you sometime.
leptospirosis) so, I stopped
original—I’m not sure.
Please message me if you’re
in. I ordered some jalapeño
I don’t have much time
interested.
poppers, thinking the
or patience for misplaced
Vitamin C and antioxidants
modifiers, and I’m not sure
I’m Undercover Now Review For Extra Credit: invent your own hybrid genre.
HOW TO CROWDFUND YOUR BABY Your baby is your most creative enterprise. Naturally you should coddle your tot as if she is your
IDENTIFY YOUR BABY’S SKILL SET
STYLE YOUR BABY
Projects and babies start
before they throw a bunch
with a skill. But can
of money your way. It’s best
you identify your baby’s
to hone in on a specific
specialty amid that
look—one that blends utility
adorable, incoherent
PDX STARTER GUIDE
own artistic ego—with love, attention, a subscription to a contemporary art museum, the full Adobe Creative
mess? Is that a Lego
People are going to want to see that baby in action
and art-mindedness. Here are some examples:
affinity or Baby’s First Cubist Phase?
The Infantile Cinephile:
What is that look on
Buy a cheap projector,
her tiny face? Could she
invite some friends over,
Suite, the complete Ken Burns Jazz, and Ai Weiwei tweets
be dreaming of becoming a
and use the back of her
on audio book. Sure, it’s expensive, but you are obligated to
bracelet designer, an anklet
diaper as a screen to
SET GOALS
A numbered first-edition
discover the talents lurking behind that distant stare. In this
designer, a ring designer,
watch one of your favorite
Nobody’s interested in
ceramic mold of your
day and age, you have financial options, and this is probably
a necklace designer, an
movies.
funneling money into
baby’s handprint, along
one of them. Crowdfunding your baby: the number-one way
earring designer, a branklet
generic child rearing. Setting
with a scientifically
to underwrite life’s greatest art project.
designer, a neckring
Baby’s First Herb Garden:
a specific monetary goal—
rendered image of her
designer, or, perhaps a
Your infant’s skin folds
such as “$100 for nontoxic
adult hand.
writer? It’s up to you to
provide the perfect
paints” or “$300 for prema-
find out.
environment to grow
ture music lessons”—is the
A two-week apprentice-
herbs. Parsley, sage,
way to go. Timing, too, must
ship/babysitting gig with
rosemary—those are safe
be carefully considered. By
your lil’ one.
choices for your budding
the time your baby is three
spice rack.
years old, the crowd may lose
A one-month pass
interest. You’ve got to strike
with BabyShare, the
at peak adorability.
infant-borrowing
CREATE YOUR FUNDRAISING PLATFORM Once you’ve identified your baby’s skill, get your
Mini Career Counselor:
descriptors in place. Tell
People always say that
your audience what your
simply having confidence
baby hasn’t developed the language skills to express:
program that allows customers to pick up
can improve your look
REWARD YOUR PATRONS
tenfold. Now imagine
Crowdfunding isn’t selfless.
BabyShare location for
her influences, her regrets,
the confidence your baby
Your sponsors want in on
baby-requisite occasions
her take on Cassavetes.
would exude dressed up
the fruits of your baby’s
such as dinner with your
When crafting your mission
in job security. Get your
creative output. Here are a
parents or applying for
statement, find the perfect
baby a tie, a baby-blue
few rewards you can offer:
preschool.
balance between good
button up, some Band-
parenting, artistic vision,
Aid-colored slacks, and a
Signed official certificates
Parents, there has never
polite begging, and, of
Bluetooth headset. Then
that say, “Played Defining
been a better time to
course, nebulous peer
keep your phone nearby;
Role in the Artistic
invest in your kin. Now
pressure.
you might be her first
Growth of [your baby’s
you’re ready.
character reference.
name].”
your baby at a designated
WHERE ARE WILLOW AND AXEL? Willow and Axel tried to meet for brunch, but got separated at the craft fair. Luckily, Axel’s flannel has an unmistakable plaid pattern, and Willow’s got a super rare blood type, so they shouldn’t be too hard to spot. Locate Willow and Axel at the fair and help them reunite.
HOW MANY OF THE FOLLOWING CAN YOU FIND?
Dogs
Plaid
Beards
Glasses
Cats
Beanies
ART LABELS What is art? Where is art? Is this art? How can you be sure? Long ago in Portland, a team of scientists and one guy who works in marketing teamed up and discovered that everything is art. Now you can share their vision with the world. Simply affix these labels and watch everyday life transform into an oeuvre of the gods.
Leon Greer
Lora Sanders
HASHTAG ON WHITE
NOT A COFFEE STAIN
2011
1992
(MacBook Pro, Microsoft Word)
(Unknown media)
Wendy Blot
Rick Hamprants
Carl Wright
Edgar Cole
WILD SPLATTERS OF MY HEART
MORNING AFTER
STILL LIFE PART MCXIV
FOOD DESCENDING A STAIRCASE
1999
1995
2007
1955
(Slurpee on canvas)
(Stranger, bedding, regret)
(Banana, apple, ceramic)
(Leftovers, tomorrow’s lunch)
Richard Waters
Jessica Allegra
Denise Fabritzio
Unknown artist
I DON’T LIKE THEM
FLUFF AND STUFF
TABLECLOTH
1972
1951
2011
BUT WHAT DOES THIS REPRESENT
(Fluff™, assorted stuff)
(Polycotton blend, pizza stains)
2014
(Mixed media)
on loan from the Denise Fabritzio collection
(Furrowed brow on over whelmed face)
Ingrid Pim
MY FACE IN TEN COLORS 1949 (Photoshop)
Kelly
FIVE GREEK YOGURTS AND A VALLEY GIRL 1995 (Suburban watercolor, probiotics)
NOT YR AVG KITTY CALENDAR June 2012 (Kitten Fun 18 Month On Sale for $12 Act Now)
Stranger on the Street
DO YOU HAVE A SECOND TO HEAR ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE? performance art, 2013 (Cement, clipboard, college student)
Ron Liszt
Tempur-Pedic ®
Alan and Lucy Sloat
Alex “Spain” Epstein
LIONS, TIGER, BEARS, TRAINS, PLANES, AUTOMOBILES
THE PERSISTENCE OF MEMORY FOAM
PORTRAIT IN CRAYON ON DINER NAPKIN
GIRL WITH A CUBIC ZIRCONIA EARRING
1959
1991
2000
1980
(Pastel)
(1-800-TEMPURPEDIC)
(Crayon, diner napkin)
(Claire’s Accessories, preteen)
AND NOT TO MENTION THESE EXQUISITELY DESIGNED ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT APPEAR IN THIS SAMPLER
BIRD STENCILS
ARTISANAL DIET PYRAMID
Now you can put a bird on it anytime,
Features the many tiers of non-con-
anyplace. And with these heavy-duty
sumption, in a beautiful, easy-to-read,
stencils, why be vague about it? Put a
colorful pyramid diagram.
Hudsonian Godwit on it.
BUILD YOUR OWN DOILY SHOPPE
TAROT CARD EXPANSION PACK
Instructions on how to construct
Approach enlightenment in style
your own mini-store. Tear it out,
with these seven additional cards,
build it, and then gaze at your
perfectly catered to the modern soul.
perfectly proportioned, adorable,
Cards come perforated on heavy
tiny retail space.
cardstock for a seamless transition into your preexisting pack.
BLIND-DATE FORECASTER
CONVERSATION STARTER CARDS &
A removable cootie catcher built to
CONVERSTATION STARTER CARDS
reveal the future of your dating life.
Eighteen cards that will help you
OUTFITTING YOUR MANY YOUS
SO YOU WANT TO OPEN A
A bevy of horizontally die-cut pages
BED & BREAKFAST
that allow even the most sartorially
And now you can, because we’ll break
uninterested reader to mix and match
down the process into four pages of
countless different signature outfits.
beautifully laid out text and illustration.
Matchmaking meets arts & crafts
start and/or end conversations.
BACKYARD CHICKEN DOSSIER
TEAR-OFF FLYER TEMPLATE
meets clairvoyance.
Comes on high-quality cardstock for
Three standard forms that any
Need a drummer? Use this book’s readymade
sustainable usage.
pet-chicken owner should keep on file.
flyer and your band’s halfway there.
COMING IN FEBRUARY 2014 FROM MCSWEENEY’S BOOKS
“I’M WORRIED I LOVE THIS BOOK TOO MUCH.” — (Well-respected, anxiety-prone celebrity with exquisite taste)
“THE BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR.” —the President of (Country of your choice)
“A MUST READ.” —the Dictator of (Country of your choice)
Portlandia is an original IFC comedy series, vividly imagined during a beautiful collective dream by Fred Armisen, Carrie Brownstein, and Jonathan Krisel. The show is a tenderly satirical celebration of Portland’s unique spirit. Sketches feature Fred and Carrie as a variety of Portland characters, including militant bicyclists, members of an adult hide-and-seek league, self-righteous feminist bookstore owners, extreme outdoor enthusiasts, and beyond.
Marketing: The Portlandia Activity Book is being released in conjunction with the Season 4 premiere HAVE A MCSWEENEY’S DISPLAY? Ask your rep about The McSweeney’s Build-a-Chair Program! PUBLICATION DATE: FEBRUARY 2014 ISBN: 978-1-938073-97-7 Concealed Spiral Bound 152 pages 8"× 10" $28 MEDIA CONTACT: Gabrielle Gantz at gabrielle@mcsweeneys.net BOOKSELLER / LIBRARIAN CONTACT: Sam Riley at sam@mcsweeneys.net MCSWEENEY’S OFFICE: 415.642.5609
ADVANCE UNCORRECTED PROOF Please consult finished book before quoting for review