Valuing Differences

By Daniel Bobinski

Being heard and understood is the psychological equivalence of getting air. Think about it. If you can’t get air, you will do whatever it takes to get it. Then, once you get it, you can relax a bit and move on to the next thing.

This analogy is not my own. It comes from the late Stephen Covey in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” It’s a great comparison. If we’re working through a disagreement with someone, until the other person feels heard and understood, they’re likely to keep fighting to be understood and won’t have any desire to move forward until that happens.

The problem? If we’re in a disagreement with someone, we want to be understood, as well. And if both parties are striving to be understood and nobody is reaching out to do any understanding, then things come to a standstill.

By way of review, Covey’s fourth habit is Think Win-Win. It’s a cognitive step. No speaking is involved. It’s a mindset of wanting both parties to have a win, as defined by them. Habit 5, Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood, puts shoe leather on Habit 4. It’s an order of events. First hear the other person; then you get your turn at being heard. Habit 6 is called Synergize, and it requires ongoing consistent application of Habits 4 and 5, plus being open to solutions that haven’t yet been considered. That’s where the idea of Valuing the Differences comes into play.

Habit 5 tells us to seek first to understand, but the idea of valuing the differences takes it to a whole new level. It’s one thing to hear others. It’s something deeper to truly understand what they’re saying. But to value it? That takes phenomenal amounts of security and integrity.

In no way will I ever suggest compromising on your values. The word “values” in that phrase is a noun. Those are principles that you hold deep down in your heart. They are the standards by which you operate. But in the phrase, “Value the Differences,” the word “value” is a verb. It means giving worth to something.

Being human means we don’t have all the answers. No matter how educated and trained we might be, we can’t know everything. So when someone comes to us with a different perspective, it behooves us to truly seek to understand and yes, even place a value on what the other person is saying.

Time and again I’ve seen new and powerful solutions arise after people put their own position on pause and truly considered an opposing point of view. A value – a sense of worth – was given to that other person’s perspective, and because that idea was considered, new ideas were birthed. Pride has its place, but it can be a real obstacle to conflict resolution. Fantastically innovative and powerful solutions have emerged when we trust the process of Covey’s Habits 4, 5 and 6. Following through on those habits isn’t always easy, but they are some of the most effective principles you’ll find when it comes to working with others.

Daniel Bobinski, who has a doctorate in theology, is a bestselling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence. He was also teaching Emotional Intelligence since before it was a thing. Reach him by email at DanielBobinski@ protonmail.com or 208-375-7606.