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MENDIP TIMES
Laughing stock
ANOINTING the court jester as king was always a high-risk strategy for the Conservatives. Boris Johnson got Brexit done but it was only a matter of time before he turned his government into a laughing stock. I don’t actually think anyone in Whitehall broke the law by partying repeatedly while the rest of the country was in lockdown. It merely destroyed trust and credibility. By Dr PHIL Lockdown laws were cleverly crafted to allow HAMMOND essential workers to do pretty much anything whilst on the job. Only two people could legally meet outdoors in a public space (with a few exceptions) but within the boundaries of an essential workplace, such as Downing Street or a hospital, there were only guidelines. Gatherings should be “minimised”, different work teams should avoid mixing “as far as possible” and meetings should usually be limited to “only absolutely necessary participants” and “be held outdoors or in well ventilated areas when possible”. There was no guidance at all on workplace socialising. The NHS frowns upon staff drinking alcohol at work but in terms of pandemic risk, having a drink at your desk after work with colleagues you regularly mix with isn’t going to alter viral spread. However, alcohol often reduces social distancing and encourages high risk behaviour. It is no surprise there were so many Covid infections amongst Downing Street staff. The May 20th party could have had giant cakes with naked interns leaping out of them. Boris Johnson could still pretend he didn’t realise he was at a party, but even if he did, he may not have broken the law and has long since been safe in the knowledge that the police won’t investigate retrospective breeches unless senior civil servant investigator Sue Gray (not entirely independent) finds evidence of illegality. Which she won’t. The most Boris Johnson can expect from the “partygate” investigation is a slap on the wrist. Johnson also oversaw a culture that permitted lockdown parties to take place in Downing Street when he wasn’t there. Two occurred on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral, allegedly including the smuggling in of alcohol in a suitcase and dancing around a desktop disco. Even the director general of the government’s own Covid taskforce – in charge of communicating the rules to the gullible public – had a big drinks’ leaving bash in Whitehall. Technically all these parties may be legal, just very ill-advised. Likewise, the people who declined the invitation to a “bring your own booze” party in the Downing Street garden in May 2020 knew it was a clear contravention of the guidance but not the law. A hundred people guest list to drink alcohol and make the most of the weather is hardly “essential” or “minimised”. They wisely stayed away, some expressing concern via email but none publicly blowing the whistle at the time. Johnson should have blown the whistle on himself in December, admitting that multiple social events have taken place during lockdown under his leadership, that they were technically legal but clearly against the government’s guidance, and apologised. Instead, he has taken the absurd path of pretending he thought they were all “essential work meetings”. He is selling the lie that he – as Prime Minister – was following both the guidance and the law. This implies, rather alarmingly, that drinking regularly on the job is essential to the pandemic response, as is wearing party hats, playing secret Santa, doing festive quizzes and dancing the night away in Downing Street. It perhaps explains why our handling of the pandemic has been so rambling and incoherent, and why some very poor decisions were made. Dr Hammond’s Covid Casebook is out now
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Plop the Raindrop
IF you had a choice, have you ever thought about what kind of animal you would like to be? Obviously I have inside knowledge since I’ve literally been inside most of them at some point or other. Usually as blood or pee or worse. As you probably know, virtually every living thing on earth is made up mostly of water, which involves trillions of water droplets like me. I imagine the oceans hold the most water on earth, though there’s an awful lot of it floating around in clouds. But imagine counting every blade of grass on the planet to see how much water is in them. Not to mention all the trees and other vegetation. What about puddles, mud and all of the water which soaks the soil? Then there’s all the stuff in animals and birds, where water usually makes up a huge percentage of their body weight. Without water you would be flatter than a pancake. Actually that’s not true. Without water life would not exist. Not on this Earth anyway. So where was I? Oh yes, what animal would you like to be? To be honest, they all have pluses and minuses. May flies are the most beautiful of insects, floating like fairies over the water, but only briefly before they disappear within a day. Giant tortoises seem to live the longest, but would you want to spend a lifetime lumbering around carrying your house on your back? Trees can live for thousands of years, but must get bored waking up to the same old view. I know a lot of human beans dream of being as free as a bird and I’ve seen some very interesting attempts by you at imitating them. But I bet most birds wish they were still dinosaurs. The world was a lot less complicated before you lot came along. Anyway, birds only fly so much because they are constantly searching for their next meal, which can’t be much fun. No, from my experience, the best bet would be a pet cat, kept fed and warm, with the option of spending all day sleeping on any bed in the house. Then springing into action at night, chasing mice and rats, a distant reminder of their wild ancestors who actually needed to hunt. Cats just know how to have fun! MENDIP GRANDAD
