without
words
TH E NOT SO S ECRET L A NGUAGE O F NO N V ERBA L COM M U N I CATI O N
without
words
TH E NOT SO S ECRET L A NGUAGE O F NO N V ERBA L COM M U N I CATI O N
without
words
TH E NOT SO S ECRET L A NGUAGE O F NO N V ERBA L COM M U N I CATI O N
Melissa Dos Santos Typography Fall 2012 University of Tennessee
Two books were especially helpful in my research for this project: What Everybody is Saying by Joe Navarro, 2008 and The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease, 2004
Special thanks also to all of my photo models in this book: Gez, Elisabeth, Daniel, and Rebecca Dos Santos, Josie Henry, Hannah Holder, Jessica Britton, Melody Hwang, Vince Walker, Kyoko Eng, Zane Davis, Jordan Dronebarger, Ben Miller, and the random folks on campus and in the city of Knoxville whom I photographed without their knowledge or permission.
This book is dedicated to the love of my life, my best friend, biggest supporter, and right arm—my husband Geziel.
Several years ago I underwent an operation to remove a brain tumor that had invaded the acoustical nerve in my left ear.
After the initial shock wore off, I noticed that even when I couldn’t discern exactly what was being said—I could still “read” the person speaking and figure out what I needed to know. I watched their gestures, facial expressions, and even their posture. In time, I realized that studying people wasn’t new, in fact, it was familiar and I took comfort in the knowledge that I had been reading people my entire life, communicating without words—I just never realized it.
making connections PA R A D I G M S H I F T
For the most part we ignore the connection between words and behaviors. We all see nonverbal clues, but most of us don’t pay attention to them, we fail to observe the signs, or don’t believe they hold any real meaning. Why? The problem is that the majority of us spend our lives seeing so many people and things, that we view our surroundings with a minimal amount of observational effort. True, it does take more work on our part to notice details as we interact with people, but learning to pick up on these not-so-silent signals is important in being able
learning to pick up on these not-so-silent signals is important to interact with others effectively. So, why go to all this effort to read body language? Simply put, it will help you to communicate with those you meet, work with, and interact with socially. By paying attention to your environment and those in it, you can improve your knowledge of what people are thinking, feeling, and intending to do. You can also be more aware of the nonverbal signals you are sending out.
Most of us have no idea how we come across to others initially, despite the fact that the first few minutes of that meeting can greatly influence the future of the relationship.
speaking without words
N O N V E R B A L CO M M U N I C AT I O N
nice to meet you FI R S T I M P R ES S I O N S
Body language affects first impressions. We tend to form our first impression of someone within the first few minutes of meeting them. The first time you meet someone, nonverbal signals are essential. Most everybody wants to make a good impression. It’s easier to start out on the right foot than to correct a negative impression.
first impressions
ARE YOU LISTENING?
Focus on the person. Make and maintain appropriate eye contact. Avoid staring and don’t let your eyes flit around the room. Your attention is directed where you look. So the other person may conclude that you are not paying attention to him or her if you’re looking elsewhere. Monitor your vocal quality. Watch your tonality and the words you emphasize. Make sure your voice conveys confidence and credibility. Match your words with your body language. If your words and body language send different messages, people will usually believe your body language. Be aware of possible incongruities and mismatches. Make sure your facial expressions match your words. Pay attention to your posture. Think tall. Center your upper body over your hips. Tuck in your stomach, and hold your shoulders back. Imagine that a string is pulling upward from the top of your head. Stand evenly on both feet.
Relax. Take a few deep breaths before meeting someone. People want to be around others who are confident and relaxed. Smile sincerely. Smile to create a good first impression. A warm and confident smile will put both you and the other person at ease. So smiling is a winner when it comes to great first impressions. But don’t go overboard with this–people who take this too far can seem insincere. Be punctual. Someone you are meeting for the first time is not interested in your “good excuse” for running late. Plan to arrive a few minutes early. And allow flexibility for possible delays in traffic or taking a wrong turn. Arriving early is much better that arriving late, hands down, and is the first step in creating a great first impression. Be yourself. If you are feeling uncomfortable and on edge, this can make the other person ill at ease and that’s a sure way to create the wrong impression. If you are calm and confident the
People want to be around others who are confident and relaxed.
other person will feel more at ease, and there will be a solid foundation for making that first impression a good one. Use purposeful hand movements. Try not to put your hands on your hips or behind your head. These postures convey disapproval, superiority or arrogance to others.
Be aware of and honor the culture of the person with whom you are communicating.
Be aware of your movements. Avoid fidgeting with your hands or bringing your hands to your face. Excessive movements may signal nervousness. Confident people tend to move more slowly and be more controlled. Honor cultural differences. In some cultures, these rules will vary slightly or change completely. Be aware of and honor the culture of the person with whom you are communicating.
Why do people shake hands anyway?
Handshaking has its origins in both necessity and leisure. It is a behaÂvior practiced all over the world by nearly every culture in some form or another. Do you think it’s possible to make immediate determinations about the personality of the person on the other end of the handshake? The handshaking action is unique in reading nonvebal cues in that it requires two people to be executed correctly, thus forcing an interaction to take place.
let’s shake on it MAKING THE MOST OF A HANDSHAKE
I conducted an experiment in which I randomly shook hands with approximately thirty to forty people around campus. Since I had spent time reading about the basic types of handshakes, I was cautious to not try out different techniques, but to be as natural as possible. I also made sure I did not shake hands with anyone I had previously met. The reactions were varied. Most of the people met my smile and handshake with one of their own, some shook hands, but looked very uncomfortable, and a couple of people just left me hanging. During my highly unofficial experiment I encountered a few handshake variations. The following summarize some of the basic handshake types.
people met my smile and handshake with one of their own
The Standard Hand Shake: In this, hands are engaged and people maintain eye contact, exchange smiles and shake hands lasting two to four seconds. Palm Up: This type of hand shake means “I am here to serve you” or I am submitting to you because you are in authority in this situation. Palm Down: This type of hand shake demonstrates an authoritative, superior or controlling personality. It says that you are there to take the lead, to take care of things, to get the job done. Arrogant Shake: Unwelcomed and intentionally tries to attack your sense of security. In this the person offers a flat hand with the palm facing down to indicate that he is the boss. You can answer a hand shake like this is by giving a hand with palm facing upwards. Hand in Hand: The greeter will offer a hand with the palm facing up and before you both start shaking your hands, he would sandwich your hand with his other hand on top of yours.
This type of handhake has also been termed the “politician’s handshake”. Avoid this in intial meetings, it is too intimate. Palm Vertical: The person extends his hand forward with his palm exactly vertical to the ground. It sends a message of equality and greetings. Bone-Crusher: A person making a hard, inflexible handshake tries to “break your fingers” and prove that he or she is stronger than you and wants to control you. The message of squeezing your hand clearly indicates that the person is trying to intimidate you. People who make such a handshake are trying to appear confident, but they are also displaying aggressiveness.
limbic system T H E L A BY R I N T H O F O U R B R A I N
Try this, touch the back of your neck—no really try it. Now gingerly bite your lip. Finally, rub your forehead. These are things that all of us have done and most of us continually do all the time. Just look around the next time you’re with a group of people and you’ll see them engaging in these behaviors on a regular basis.
Have you ever wondered why we do these things? The answer is found in the labyrinth of our brain, in the limbic sytem. The limbic system regulates our emotion and memory. It connects our lower and higher brain functions. It in fluences emotions, our gut-level responses to those emotions, motivation, mood, and sensations of pain and pleasure. It controls things in our bodies on a subconscious level. Examples include; pupil dilation, sweating, startle response, blushing, and blanching (going pale). This rudimentary system plays the largest role in the expression of our nonverbal behavior. And, since the brain controls all of our conscious or unconscious behaviors, it’s limbic responses are the most honest and immediate. The Three F’s The limbic system regulates our behavior when we are confronted with danger. In order to ensure survival, our brain responds to stress or threats in one of three ways; freeze, flight, or fight. These behaviors are hard-wired into our nervous system. Freeze Response: Movement attracts attention. Animals know this, that’s why they freeze when being pursued by a predator. Some even play dead, the ultimate freeze response. In our daily life we use the freeze response more subtly.
It ususally manifests when someone feels threatened or exposed. It can also be seen when a person is caught in a lie or found to be stealing. Not only do we freeze, but other people around us will sometimes copy us and freeze as well, without even knowing why. This behavior can occur innocently, such as when we suddenly remember something and smack ourselves onthe forehead at the same time. Even when no actual physical threat exists, mental stress can produce the same response. Another way to establish distance between you and someone else, is to place objects (like a backpack, a notebook, stack of papers, etc.) between you and them. You may also notice that, like my kids wanting to escape from green vegetables, the person will aim their feet or their entire body toward the nearest exit. Blocking behaviors can be manifested by business people or students as they close or rub their eyes, or even put their hands in front of their faces. These actions demonstrate that the person is feeling uncomfortable or wanting to leave. These actions are embodiments of the flight response and are classified as distancing behaviors. Flight Response: We can run to escape from danger, when it’s practical. In our modern world the things we want to escape are more difficult
We adapt flight responses to meet our needs. to run from. We adapt flight responses to meet our needs. The behaviors are not as overt, but they serve the same purpose—to either block or distance us from undesirable people, things, or situations. As a mom, I have seen my kids turn away from their plates at the table when I’ve tried to get them to try a new food. They will actually shift their feet toward the door and turn as much of their body as possible away from the peas, brocccoli, or other “disgusting” green thing I’m pushing. This type of avoidance is known as a blocking behavior. Behaviors can manifest in the form of closing or rubbing the eyes, or placing the hands in front of the face. If it is a person you want to flee from, but you in a situation in which you can not leave you may distance yourself by leaning away. This response is also known as the turtle effect. The shoulders
rise toward the ears, the head is lowered, and the eyes are usually looking down. Adults exhibit this behavior as well, but in a more subtle way. It can also be exhibited when people feel humiliated or otherwise suddenly lose confidence. One purpose of this response is to avoid detection by predators in dangerous situations. A second purpose is to give the person who feels threatened a chance to think and then decide what to do to get out of the situation. When the freeze response doesn’t work to eliminate the threat or when you don’t have enough time, your limbic system goes to it’s second line of defense—the flight response. My friend works for the Department of Child and Family Protective Services. She often observes children and adults in potentially stressful situations. I asked her what if any types of behavior, specifically involving body language, that she noticed in her job. She said that sadly,
abused children often exhibit these freeze behaviors. In the presence of an abusive adult, their arms go dormant at their sides and they avoid eye contact as though this helps them not to be seen. They are hiding in the open, which is a tool of survival for these helpless kids. The limbic system is basically an emotional thermometer that is highly sensitive to threat and reward in our environment. It is triggered very quickly
this type of avoidance is known as blocking behavior when danger is present and warns us to ensure our survival. When over aroused we act first then think later. The fight or flight reaction is an essential function of the limbic system and is quick to respond to threat with the onset of fear. No matter how small the threat, fear will spark arousal in the limbic system in milliseconds. Fight Response: The fight response is the limbic brain’s final attempt for survival through showing aggression. When you can’t avoid detection by freezing, or outrun the danger by fleeing, the only option left is to fight.
One non-physical form of the fight response is arguing, this includes insults, teasing, goading, and sarcasm. We can be very aggressive without any actual physical contact.for example, just using our posture, our eyes, by puffing out our chest, or by violating another individual’s personal space, we are signifying that we are willing to fight.
Understanding how the limbic system’s freeze, flight, and fight responses influence our nonverbal behavior is only one piece of the body language puzzle. These responses are typically followed by self-soothing behaviors.
LIMBIC SYSTEM The limbic system is a powerful learning tool. Touch a hot stove—burn your finger, and the memory that hot stoves should be appro‑ ached with caution is embedded in your brain. People and or situations that have made us uncomfortable, intimidated us, or threatened us in some way can produce the same response. Our brain registers and retains the negative emotion and we behave accordingly. On the flip side, the limbic system also works effectively to record positive experiences. When we associate a person or event with satisfaction of basic needs, an ego stroke, feeling proud, or another happy feeling, we subconsciously seek out to repeat this enjoyable experience.
comfort signals PAC I F Y I N G B E H AV I O R S
SEEKING THE COMFORT ZONE
Are there certain songs that can make you smile and transport you back in time? Do certain smells automatically flood your brain with good feelings? Can looking at phototographs of your friends and loved ones give you a sense of pleasure and well-being? These encounters have been registered in the “comfort zone” of your memory centers in your brain that are associated with your limbic system.
Understanding how the limbic system’s freeze, flight, and fight responses influence nonverbal behavior is only part of a greater whole. It’s important when you interpret body language to notice that whenever there is a limbic response—espescially to some‑ thing negative—it will be followed by a self-soothing or pacifying behavior. In psychology, any behavior that we engage in to make ourselves feel better is called an adapter. Adapters calm us down after we experience something that makes us scared, nervous, or generally stressed out. If after you ask someone a question they touch the back of their neck this is a type of self-soothing behavior. They might be uncomfortable with that question. It doesn’t mean they’re lying, just that there’s something off there. Neck and mouth touching are two of the most frequent behaviors people use when they feel stressed or uncomfortable.
My niece has always sucked her thumb. It started when she was a tiny baby and has continued for the last eight years. But as she is getting older, her parents are putting more and more effort into getting her to stop. Without realizing it they are encouraging her to exchange one adapter for another, each time they offer her gum or another acceptable substitute to put in her mouth. Most people would identify thumb-sucking as a self-soothing or pacifying behavior, but may not realize that after we outgrow that comfort display, we find more subtle ways to soothe ourselves.
Discomfort Signal Displayed Pacifying Behavior Follows
These subltle behaviors are socially acceptable and therefore essentially go unnoticed— unless you are willing and know what to look for. Some examples include, chewing gum, gnawing pencils, playing with your hair, or biting your nails. What can you learn by analyzing behavior that is “normal”? The answer lies within observing a grouping or a cluster of behaviors. It is difficult to determine how someone is feeling or what they are thinking based on an isolated incident. Things somone does when they are uncomfortable (e.g., leaning away, frowning, crossing arms, gritting teeth, etc.) are usually followed by a self-soothing behavior. If you look for clusters of these signs—a discomfort sign followed by a pacifying sign, you can began to confirm what is going on in the mind of the person you are dealing with.
Once when I was teaching high school, a student demonstrated these discomfort and pacifying behaviors in a textbook kind of way. I was giving a Chemistry exam and noticed a particular young girl behaving very strangely. She would continuously touch her face and neck, clear her throat, and was wrapping her feet tightly around the chair legs. When I asked her if she was okay, she froze, her arms straight by her sides. I let her continue taking the test, but watched her closely for the remainder of the time. Something was definitely up. Long story short, upon closer inspection I discovered that she had written cheat notes all over her white tennis shoes. Once confronted with the evidence, she burst into tears and and covered her face as she admitted what she had done.
At first I had no evidence of deception, but I did notice that each time I looked at this student or got physically close to her she would immediately touch her face and neck. This behavior escalated after the test was over when I asked her if anything was wrong. She would respond “no” and even though I didn’t know if she was lying, I saw that she would touch herself repeatedly when I questioned her. It can be very difficult to detect deceit—trained experts in the FBI will tell you that even after being specifically trained to do so, they can only detect when a person is lying about 60% of the time accurately. It gives you a much clearer picture when you are trying to assess someone’s meaning or motive, to notice how their behaviors are clustered together. You can determine more about the meaning of behaviors when you notice the other behaviors that precede and follow them. Self-comforting behaviors can be manifested in various ways. When feeling stresed we may stroke the back of our neck, touch our face, bite our lip, or play with items
on our desk. We do these things automatically. Our limbic brain sends out the message, “please make me feel better” and our hands respond to soothe us in some way. Try watching yourself in a mirror for ten or fifteen minutes. Most of us find looking at ourselves for this long to be stressful and we will begin to employ selfsoothing behaviors very quickly. One pacifying behavior that I caught myself doing several times is exhaling slowly with my cheeks puffed out. If a stressed person is a smoker, they will smoke more cigarettes, more often. If they are a gum chewer, they will chew more gum and chew faster. These behaviors satisfy the brain’s need to stimulate nerve endings, release endorphins, and calm the body.
Situation Causes Stress
Discomfort Signal Displayed
Pacifying Behavior Exhibited
Sress Decreases
Endorphins Released
Comfort zones are very personal. When it comes to soothing ourselves, we each have our favorites. Some common manifestations of self-soothing behavior include: chewing gum, smoking cigarettes, cracking knuckles, overeating, licking or biting lips, rubbing chins, touching and covering face, playing with objects (like pens or watches), playing with hair, or adjustment of clothing. When you see someone displaying one of these behaviors, ask yourself why is this person comforting themselves? The ability to link a behavior with a specific stressor can help you understand a person’s thoughts and feelings more precisely.
reading the signs
E FFECT I V E LY U N D E R S TA N D I N G A DA P T E R S
Adapters are actions that serve to calm us down
Pay attention to clusters of behavior, generally
after we expereince something unpleasant or
if a person is using a self-comforting behavior,
even quite traumatic. Our body wants to restore
a discomfort or stress behavior has preceded it’s
itself to “normal” conditions. Our brain uses
occurrence.
our own body to provide comforting behaviors.
Look for links between specific stress signals and
Since these are outward signals that can be read in real time, we are able to observe others’ behaviors and decode them as they happen and in context. Recognize self-comforting behaviors when they occur, be on the look out for small signals. Establish a baseline for an individual, to notice if a behavior is new or has increased in intensity. Note context, take a moment to notice if there are outside factors that could be causing the behavior (e.g. it’s cold outside and someone is crossing their arms tightly around their body).
corresponding pacifying behaviors. Location of soothing signal is important. The higher the stress level, the greater amount of attention is usually given to the mouth, face and neck areas.
legs don’t lie FE E T A N D L E G S R E V E A L T H E T R U T H
Sometimes legs and feet signify that we are highly confident and feeling emotionally positive. But, it is important to notice the context because the same feet and leg movements that can convey joy can also indicate impatience, nervousness, or a physical condition of restless legs.
HAPPY FEET According to FBI body language experts, the part of the body that is most likely to reveal a person’s true intentions and accurately reflect what they are thinking and feeling are our feet and legs. The same limbic system that causes us to respond with the freeze, flight, or fight response causes our feet and legs to react instinctively to what we are experiencing inside, with no high-order cognitive processing. It might be tempting to direct all of your attention to someone’s facial expressions when you want to read them nonverbally, but much more can be learned by paying attention to their lower body first. If you think about it, a person has a lot of practice guarding and masking their facial expressions—they’ve been practicing
we mask our true emotions for the sake of social grace
their whole life. As a mom, I know that I have told my kids since they were small things like, “don’t make that face”, or “you can at least look happy about it”. In truth, even though it was unknowingly, I have been teaching them to be deceitful with their expressions. I even remember teaching them the song, “Put on a happy face”. So it’s not surprising that we get pretty good at masking our true emotions for the sake of social grace and harmony. We all know how to put on a “poker face”, but most of us have never given much thought to what our feet and legs are doing while our face is smiling. Have you ever been so happy that you just couldn’t keep your feet still? I see this in my youngest daughter often, she has feet and legs that wiggle and bounce with joy— she’s my child that starts her mornings happy and goes uphill the rest of the day. In short she has happy feet. Happy feet are a sign of high confidence and positive emotion. But, once again you have to look at this nonverbal display in context to see if the person is nervous, has restless leg syndrome, or is truly happy. It is also important to note a baseline behavior for someone’s leg and foot movement. Once I was asked to help interview volunteer workers for a non-profit organization. When it came time to pass out assignments one volunteer said that he would be happy to serve in any capacity, complete with glowing smile and bouncy feet, until I told him we could use some help with unloading several heavy boxes. His happy feet suddenly froze. Turns out he had a back injury, but didn’t want to admit that he could not lift and seem like an unwilling volunteer. His feet revealed the true feelings that his face concealed.
SPEAKERS ENGAGED: TOE TO TOE
PERSON #2 MAY STILL BE FACING YOU, BUT HIS FEET SHOW THAT HE IS READY TO LEAVE
Ever had the feeling that someone you’re talking to would rather be somewhere else?
SHIFT We have a tendency to shift our bodies toward people and things we like or are pleasing to us. This includes those individuals that we want to interact with. You can determine whether others are happy to see you or would rather be left alone by observing the direction they hold their bodies. I spent three months working with a corporate team on a freelance contract a few years ago. The majority of the people were in the Marketing department, a few were from IT, and a couple were from human resources. I always felt welcomed and part of the group when speaking with the Marketing and HR folks, but got the distinct impression that I was wasting the tech guys’ time. But why did I feel this way?
SHIFT The answer lies in the feet. I am always hyper aware of where I stand during a conversation because of my deaf ear so I noticed a couple of things about how these men would stand as they stood speaking to each other. They would turn completely toward each other, creating a “barrier” to anyone who walked up to speak to them. Their legs, feet and torso did not turn even though they politely swiveled their head to greet me. Assume you approach two people having a conversation that you have met before at a convention. You are asked to mingle so you walk
Do they want you to join them or would they rather be left alone? up to them wanting to say hello and join their conversation. Can you decipher if they want you to join them or would rather be left alone? Yes, by watching their feet! If they shift their feet toward you—along with their upper bodies—then the welcome is genuine and you are invited in to the discussion. But, if they don’t move their feet to welcome you and only swivel their torso or head to acknowledge you—they’d rather be left alone. We tend to turn away from things we don’t like or that are disagreeable to us.
When a person turns his feet away, this is usually a sign of disengagement, a desire to separate or distance himself from his current location or position.
how feet say goodbye When two people talk to each other they normally speak toes facing each other. If one of the individuals turns his feet slightly away (especially toward the exit) or repeatedly moves his feet into the “L� position (one foot toward, one away), you can take this as a nonverbal clue that the person with shifting feet wants to leave or wishes he were somewhere else.
DEFYING GRAVITY Intention movement or posture relating to leaving (such as the knee clasp) is a position that indicates what someone wishes to do. Pointing toes toward or away, leaning or looking away and hands on legs in sprinter position are all intension movements since they tell where one wishes to go. Other cues to watch for include, indicators of disinterest. These are nonverbal cues or signals put out by individuals that show they aren’t interested in an interaction. They can occur in a dating context, business context, or any social context. Turning torsos away, crossing arms, avoiding eye contact, looking away, drumming the fingers in boredom, or picking imaginary lint are all body language cues showing a lack
of interest. Along with noticing if someone’s feet are heading toward the exit, figuratively and maybe literally too, another behavior to observe is the knee clasp. This is an example of an intention movement of the legs. If a person you are meeting with who is sitting suddenly places both hands on his knees, usually combined with the foreward lean of the torso, this is a really clear indication that in his mind the meeting is over. I sometimes notice this behavior with the students I teach as we near the last half hour or so of a three hour class. It is usually accompanied with a shift of their lower body to the edge of their chair—another intention movement.
Intention movements that signify that someone wants to leave should be noticed quickly. If the behavior displayed says it’s time to end the conversation, be aware and don’t drag out the farewell.
Clasping of the knee(s) and shifting of weight on the feet is an intention cue that the person wants to get up and leave.
it makes you feel as though you are floating on air Gravity-defying behaviors such as toe pointing, are evident when we are happy or excited When the toes point upward, defying gravity, it usually means the person is in a good mood or thinking positively. You know the feeling after you’ve received some incredibly good news, or the euphoria of being in love—it makes you feel like you are floating on air. When we are excited about something or feel positive about our circumstances, we tend to defy gravity with our feet. Just like when I was a child, when I am very excited I catch myself rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet—trying to defy gravity by keeping my feet off of the ground. This is my limbic brain again exhibiting it’s true emotions with my involuntary nonverbal behavior. Recently I was watching my oldest daughter on her cell phone, as she was listening, her right foot that had been on the ground changed position. The heel of her foot stayed on the floor, but the rest of her foot was up, and her toes were pointing up.
Since I had been studying body language I assumed she had just heard someting she liked. Sure enough, the next words out of her mouth were, “that’s awesome, I’m so glad that happened . . .” Gravity-defying behaviors can potentially be faked, but most people simply don’t imitate these behaviors believably. They can’t regulate their limbic reacions. Lastly an intention position that can have multiple meanings is the starter position in which the heel is elevated and the weight is on the balls of the feet. This is a cue could mean that a person is getting ready to do something, leave, is really interested, or wants to engage you further. You will have to rely on context and clustering to decode this potentially misread intention signal.
LEG SPLAY BEHAVIORS
He’s always “on” displaying the officer stance, legs splayed out, balanced and ready for any confrontation. The easiest to spot body language of the legs is the territorial display. People tend to become territorial when they feel threatened or are otherwise stressed, or alternately when they themselves want to threaten or warn someone else to back off. My husband has been a reserve police seargant for over fifteen years. I always joke with him that he never looks as if he’s off duty, even while working at his regualr job— insurance fraud investigator. Granted these two positions carry some similar requirements as it relates to being taken seriously and appearing to have control over the situation. The behaviors I rib him about are his leg displays, and to
a lesser extent his arm positions. He is always “on” displaying the officer stance, legs splayed out, balanced and ready for any confrontation. I’ve found myself using similar leg splays as I teach or when I have to confront someone. It makes sense because when people find themselves in confrontational situations, their legs and feet will tend to splay out, not only for greater balance, but also to claim greater territory. This sends out a clear message to the careful observer that at the bare minimum, there are issues going on, or there may even be the potential for violence. If you are disagreeing with someone, you will never cross your legs as
Physical size can also be used to threaten. I am 5’2”, so many of my students have been larger than me. While this hasn’t been an issue at the college level, as an inexpereinced high school teacher, it initially was. Some of the older teenagers tried to intimidate me, but I learned to look “tough” long before I really was. Using an authoritative leg splay helped me to establish an atmosphere of confidence and control in the classroom.
you stand as the argument heats up because this stance makes you off balance. Your limbic system won’t allow you to be unprepared for what it knows could be a fight. If you are having a discussion and you notice that the other person’s feet are going from being together to spread apart, it is probable that the person is becoming more defensive. There is potential for tempers to flare, be on alert. You can also use this limbic response to diffuse a situation that is escalating. If you notice yourself spreading your feet apart, bring them back together—you will be surprised that the other person will generally follow suit and the conversation will calm down a bit.
Leg crossing is a good way to tell how relaxed we feel around another person. Conversely, in uncomfortable situations people rarely if ever cross their ankles or legs. We also cross our legs in the presence of others when we are feeling confident—and confidence correlates to our level of comfort. If you cross your legs while standing your body is essentially off balance. Try it—stand crossing your legs and ask someone to give you a gentle push or stand in a busy hall way— depending on how good your reflexes are to catch yourself you might find yourself on the ground.
LEG CROSSING Campus is a great place to people watch. I sat in the main lobby of the library and observed several people engaged in conversations. It was fairly evident to see who felt at ease with each other. I saw two colleagues that both worked in the library, they both had their legs crossed as they stood talking. I knew they were comfortable with each other. All of a sudden a third person walked up and began to talk—both people immediately uncrossed their legs. The first observation demonstrated mirroring (one person’e actions are directly copied by the other person they are speaking with) and a level of intimacy—we mimic the actions of those we like. The leg crossing also conveyed their contentedness to be together. When the outsider approached the tone immediately changed. Legs were uncrossed, posture became much straighter and smiles were downgraded to polite grins. I went up to the two ladies and explained that I was doing a design project and aked if I could interview them. They agreed and after speaking with them I found out that they indeed were friends and had working
Personal space is just that—personal. The more we like someone the closer we will allow them to be to us physically. It’s a great way to see how a new person feels about you initially. together for several years. Their body language confirmed their level of intimacy and friendship. As I watched other people I noticed that in groups of three or more the leg crossers actually tilted their crossed legs toward certain people. This goes along with the theory that we subconsciously tilt our bodies toward the people we like the most. If you are dealing with a person who wants to socialize or cooperate with you, his or her feet will usually mirror your own. If someone’s feet are ponted away from you while you talk, even if the rest of his body is facing you, you should ask yourself why they want to escape. Usually when someone we don’t know approaches us, we turn our atention to them from the hips up, but keep our feet in the direction we are walking. Limbically speaking we are preparing to flee if we need to by keeping our feet in the forward direction. When a person talks to you with feet pointed away, it is a good indication this person wants to be or needs to be elsewhere.
When someone’s foot suddenly begins to kick, it is may be an indicator of discomfort.
changes in movement FE E T A N D L EG S
The key factor in watching feet and leg movement, especially while someone is sitting, is to watch when behaviors suddenly start, stop, or change in intensity. The farther away from the brain a part of our body is, the less awareness we have of what it’s doing. For example, we are gen‑ erally aware of our own facial expression, and readily understand phrases such as, “put on a brave face” or just grin and bear it”. But, most of us never consider what our legs and feet are saying, we don’t notice our leg positions and are basically oblivious to the activities of our lower limbs. This means that observning legs and feet can be a valuable source of information.
We can learn about a person’s comfort level, attentiveness, and general attitude. A person can look composed and in control while their foot is repetitively tapping, or making short jabs in the air, revealing their frustration about not being able to get away. Jiggling the feet can be an expression of the brain’s attempt to escape. While slight movement such as jiggling may be a show of nervousness, kicking is a subconscious way of striking out against the unpleasant. Leg movements reflect automatic behavior, and a lot of people don’t even recognize they are moving.
I was recently watching a late night talk show in which the guest was seated with their legs crossed in full view and the host was behind the desk asking interview questions. The guest was an awardwinning actor and seemingly had a degree of success controlling his facial expression and upper body movements. He sat casually with his legs loosely crossed and foot slightly moving for most of the interview. But each time the host ask him specifically what his plans for marriage were, the star began to kick fairly aggressively. As the discourse circled back to other topics, the leg stilled, but as soon as the subject of marriage or dating was approached, his leg told a different story than his words. Similarly if a person is making regular foot moves and suddenly freezes when asked a certain question the sudden lack of movement can be interpreted as discomfort, especially when clustered with a self-soothing behavior such as neck stroking, which is what this actor also did in response to the relationship questions.
JUST DON’T ASK ME ABOUT HER
How do you sit? Do you cross your legs, or sometimes maybe the ankle or with your legs in a wide four with the ankle resting on the opposite lower thigh, sometimes called the American way of sitting. Every time you take a seat, your body is engaging in a nonverbal communication, body language for anyone who wants to notice. Although no one particular gesture should be considered conclusive in and of itself, you can start to establish meaning from multiple signals. In the top image to the left, the legs are crossed and intertwined. This behavior coupled with other distress signals may indicate insecurity or nervousness. In the second image from the top, the legs are crossed and the hands are clasped at the knee. If this pose is accompanied by excessive foot movement and lack of eye contact, it is probable that the person is disinterested and bored. The next image down demonstrates a territorial sprawling of the legs. If seen in conjunction with other aggression behaviors, this pose may indicate arrogance, or an overly selfconfident person.
take a seat LO W E R L I M B S
Our feet and legs have been historically linked to our survival behaviors (the three “F”s—freezing, fleeing, and fighting) so they are the most honest parts of our body. Our lower limbs provide the most accurate, unguarded information to the careful observer. Used in respect to context and clustering, this information can help you better interpret others’ body language.
billboard TO R S O A N D A R M S
We carry a billboard around with us everywhere we go. But, it’s not our face—it’s our torso and arms.
Like many parts of our body, our torso will try to lean away or distance itself from anything stressful or unwanted. As a kid when I began to play softball, I did something that made my coach very unhappy. Whenever a ball was coming at me, instead of hitting it with a bat or catching it with my glove—I would jump out of the way. It took a few practice sessions for me to overcome my limbic system that was screaming, “get out of the way, something’s trying to hit you”. When an object is thrown at us, our limbic system sends signals to our torso and arms to move our body and/or shield ourselves from the threat. This can happen regardless of what the object is, a softball, or a moving car—any movement in our direction is seen as a possible threat.
PE R S O N A L S PAC E
In a similar way when we are forced to be near someone who seems threatening, or just makes us uncomfortable, our torso will lean away. Our face may be smiling and we may turn our body at least from the hips up in a polite manner to face the person, but our leaning away and most likely the direction our feet are pointed, will reveal our true feelings about the individual. Our upper body supports most of our weight, so to lean away makes us off balance and is really hard to do at will. When we subconsciously lean our torso away, because our limbic brain demands it, we barely notice and can maintain the position for an extended amount of time. People use different techniques to claim territory in public spaces. I remember the first time I was on a subway in New York City. Space was very limited and the one seat that was available was undesirable.
To test exactly how much personal space you need to feel comfortable, explore the subways in New York or look no further than your local city transit bus.
Why? Because the person sitting next to it was waving their arms and screaming—they just looked crazy. After reading several studies on body language, I understand why the subway was such an uncomfortable place for me. The individual making the display just seemed to need more space around them, and because of their actions (which in retrospect I think were mostly for show), they got it! I believe these passengers purposely acted strangely and exaggerated their body movements to keep others at a distance. So acting irrational or crazy can be an effective distancing behavior too.
FR O N TA L TO R S O D I S P L AY S
Frontal torso displays, either toward or away from, reflect the limbic brain’s need to get close or create distance. Whether or not we are willing to turn our torso toward someone is a good indicator of our true feelings. When one person in a relationship feels that something is wrong, he or she is probably sensing a subtle physical distancing in his or her partner. This distancing emotionally can show up physically. When we feel comfortable we turn our body towards someone, our face, our torso, and our lower body. When we feel awkward or uneasy, even if only momentarily, we tend to lean away or turn our bodies away. Our torso houses most of our vital organs, so our limbic brain makes it a high priority to protect this area. Our frontal side is the most vulnerable so we have an inherent need to shield it from things that hurt or bother us. This is why we subconsciously begin to turn slightly to the side when someone we dislike approaches us. We have a similar reaction when we see something in person, in film, or on television that is difficult for us to see. I remember when I saw the movie Shindler’s List, the horror of seeing the inhumane treatment of the Jewish people shocked me. I knew in my thinking brain that it was a reenactment and not actually happening, but my limbic brain responded as though it were real. I was so uncomfortable I turned my face and body away from the screen and coverd my face at times. My brain was saying, “I can’t handle this,” and so my body responded by turning away.
A powerful way to let others know that you agree with them, or that you like what they are saying, is to lean toward them or to face them with the front side of your body. This can be very effective when you are in a social or professional situation in which you do not have the opportunity to speak , but want to show someone you are interested in them and what they are saying. When it is impractical or socially unacceptable to lean or turn away from someone or something we don’t like, we often use our arms or other objects to act as physical barriers.
A sudden crossing of the arms can indicate discomfort or displeasure.
within reach
NONVERBALS OF THE ARMS
M E W I T H T W O B R O K E N A R M S — AG E 9
Our arms are designed to ensure our survival. Our arms, like our legs, are reactive and positioned to protect us, especially our torsos. Our upper limbs will rise up to defend us, even when it makes no sense. Watch any movie in which someone is aiming a gun at someone else. What is their typical first reaction? To throw one or both arms in front of their face and torso. Logically we know that our arms could never protect us from a bullet, but try telling this to your limbic system. When I was in the fourth grade I lost a bet to an older cousin who dared me to climb to the top of a very high tree. As I came sailing down to the ground, I instinctively stuck my arms out to “stop the ground” from smacking into my face—no surprise that my arms didn’t protect me very well. On the contrary, I spent the next several weeks recovering from two broken arms. Painful, but poignant example.
When we are happy and content, our arms move freely. Watch younger children at play. Their arms move around naturally, without thought or effort as they romp around. They will point, gesture, hold, hug, and wave all wihin a few minutes. When we are excited we don’t hold back—we move are arms with big gestures. As a matter of fact we defy gravity when we are really happy by raising our arms high above our heads. Gravity-defying behaviors are associated with positive feelings. Think of all those sports fans or rock concert goers waving their arms above their heads as they cheer, Even when our emotions are more understated and we just feel good, we tend to swing our arms more as we walk. We have a proverbial swing in our step. Again, context is critical, arms in the air should follow other signs that indicate someone is feeling good.
ARM WITHDRAWAL When we are upset or fearful, we withdraw our arms.
Injury, threats, abuse, and worry—all of these things can cause our arms to come straight to our sides or to close across our chests. This is another survival tactic of our limbic system designed to keep us safe in the face of danger, whether real or perceived. When two people are bickering, they may both exhibit arm withdrawal behavior. This is a protective mechanism that we engage in to restrain ourselves. This serves two purposes, to protect our frontside, and to show the other person that we are not trying to threaten them. Self-restraint can help us not only in dealing with other people, but also act as a self-soothing process.
This can help us not only when we need emotional comfort, but also if we are experiencing physical pain in our mid region. If you’ve ever had a bad stomachache, you probably wrapped your arms around your center in an attempt to make yourself feel better. Arm freezing is also a form of restricting arm movement. This makes sense because, remember the limbic system is responsible for the three “F”s of our survival— freezing, fleeing, and fighting, and we generally respond in this order. As in interpreting all body language, arm movements must be observed in context and with respect given to other behaviors that may be clustered together.
Arm movements can also be a source of great comfort. When someone we care for holds their open arms straight out, the meaning is clear, “Come here, I want to hold you!� This brings back good memories of being hugged by our parents and others who loved us as a child.
ARMS THAT ISOLATE There are certain arm gestures that convey the message, “Keep your distance, stay away from me!” For instance, watch some doctors, lawyers, or business professionals walk down the hall—or one of the royal family members of England walking before a crowd. They place their hands behind their backs as to say, ”I am of higher status” and “Please do not come near me.” This stance can be misread as being pensive or deep in thought, but unless the person is obviously studying something like a painting in a museum, it is a clear signal that they do not want to
As humans we naturally want to touch things we like. be approached. This pose is sometimes called the regal stance. The arms are behind the back and the message implied is that others should keep their distance. As humans we naturally want to touch things we like, and conversely keep things and people that we do not like at arm’s length. This arm distancing behavior happens when we see things or people we don’t like or find stressful to be around. You can learn a lot about how someone feels about someone or something by noting whether their arms engage or distance from the individal or object in question. “Keeping someone at arm’s length” has real meaning.
TERRITORIAL DISPLAYS Arms protect, but they can also project for us. In addition to using our arms for protection, we can also use them to claim territory. If you’ve ever found yourself in an auditorium seat in which you have to share an arm rest, you will understand territorial displays of the arms. Incidents that force us out of “our space” happen frequently—in elevators, going through doorways, in classrooms and in board rooms. If there is not enough room for more than one person to occ– upy a space at one time, and someone is unwilling to compromise or give up “their space”one person will wind up “losing” by not feeling that they
claiming real estate is equated with status and power have enough personal space in a given situation. Confident or high-status people will claim more territory with their arms than less confident ones will. They may drape their arms around chairs near them, or spread their personal materials such as papers, bags, purses, etc. in front of them on a desk or table. If you are new to an enviro– nment, watch for those people who use their arms or materials to claim a bigger piece of real estate than those around them. You can use these cues to assess the person’s real or self-perceived status in the surroundings.
One territorial arm behavior used to assert dominance and project an image of authority is arms akimbo (top, left photo). This display os often seen being used by officers, military, and sports figures. This position can be particularl useful to women in authority positions to send the nonverbal message that they are in control. Hooding (2nd photo down on left) is a similar territorial arm display often seen during seated meetings in which a person interlaces his hands behind his head and leans back. It is called this because it resembles the way a cobra spreads its hood to alert other animals of its dominance and power. It makes a person look “larger than life” and tells others, “I am in charge here!” Arm spread behavior can be seen in board rooms, classrooms, or customer service counters. This is a powerful limbic response also used to establish dominance and emphasize a person’s point of view.
face facts N O N V E R B A L S O F T H E FAC E
It is estimated that humans are capable of more than 10,000 facial expressions. This versatility makes nonverbals of the face, when not interfered with, very honest and effective.
Our facial expressions, maybe more than anything else, serve as our universal language, crossing cultural and socio-ecomomic boundaries. This universal language has served as a means of everyday communication since the beginning of time, to aide in understanding between people who do not share a common language. When we observe others, especially children, we can easily recognize when they appear to be happy, surprised, sad, angry, frustrated, or concerned. How do we do this? We were probably never taught how to generate or translate these facial expressions, but we all know, perform, interpret, and communicate using these expressions. While our faces can be very honest in displaying how we feel, they do not always necessarily represent our true feelings or intentions. Due to social and cultural norms, we are taught in essence to lie with our faces. At a fairly young age (some studies suggest by age 3) we have become quite adept at hiding our true sentiments facially, none the less they occasionally leak out. When we lie with our faces, we are said to be acting. Knowing the potential for fraudulant faces exist, we can still learn to read people accurately. We simply have to be mindful that signals can be faked, so the best evidence of true feelings, is gained by observing clusters of behavior, including facial and body cues, that conflict or compliment each other.
Naturally, negative emotions can make us tense. Our bodies and faces reflect this tension. Our faces specifically show a series of tension-relieving cues simultaneously: tightening of the jaw muscles, flaring of the nostrils, squinting of the eyes, and movement of the mouth including hiding or pursing of the lips. Conversely, when we are truly relaxed and comfortable, our facial muscles relax and our head will tilt to the side, exposing one of our most vulnerable areas—our neck. When you see someone tilting their head in conjunction with other relaxed behaviors, this is seen as a high-comfort display. It can often be seen during courtship and it is nearly impossible to mimic with any kind of sincerity when we are uncomfortable, tense, suspicious, or threatened.
Eyes: We squint to block out light or objectionable things. Squinting can also be seen when we are angry, suspicious, or when we hear voices, sounds, or music we do not like. In addition to squinting when we feel uneasy, some people will lower their eyebrows. Arched eyebrows reflect surprise, or they can signify the gravity-defying behavior associated with high confidence and positive feelings. Subconsciously we attempt to block our eyes when we don’t like what we’re hearing, learning or seeing. This manifests as we actually cover our eyes with our hands, briefly touch our eyes, delay in opening our eyes after blinking, or tightly compress our eyelids shut. A variant of this behavior is eye flashing, in which we momentarily open our eyes very widely. This is usually in response to something we find very interesting, surprising, or hard to believe.
Mouth: Like the eyes, the mouth provides a number of fairly reliable and noteable tells, that can help you in dealing more effectively with other people. The mouth can also be manipulated by the higher-order brain to send out false signals, so watch the mouth, but make sure you pay attention to context and clustering as with all body language. There are real and false smiles and and our brains know the differnce—usually. A real smile appears when the muscle between the jaw and the eye is flexed, causing the familar crow’s feet of a warm and honest smile. When smiles are fake, the eyes don’t join in the fun. Behaviors that compress the lips such as biting, pursing, puckering or hiding them completely, are usually the result of stress and the mouth tell is a self-soothing gesture. When we are stressed, we tend to hide our lips subconsciously.
We will usually purse our lips when we are not in agreement with what we are seeing or hearing, or at times in anger. Lip pursing is really a great indicator that a person is thinking differently or is completely rejecting what is being said to them. The sneer, like the rolling of the eyes, is a universal act of contempt. It is disprespectful and reflects a lack of caring or empathy on the part of the person doing the sneering. This expression is very visible and meaningful even if flashed only for a moment. There are also numerous tongue signals that can provide insight into a person’s thoughts or mood. When we are stressed, it causes our moutht to be dry, so it is normal to lick our lips to moisten them. Also, during times of discomfort, we tend to rub our tongues back and forth across our lips to pacify and calm ourselves.
pants on fire? LY I N G G ES T U R ES
“THE LIAR� BY WILLIAM BLAKE
Deceiver, dissembler Your trousers are alight From what pole or gallows Shall they dangle in the night? When I asked of your career Why did you have to kick my rear With that stinking lie of thine Proclaiming that you owned a mine? When you asked to borrow my stallion To visit a nearby-moored galleon
How could I ever know that you Intended only to turn him into glue? What red devil of mendacity Grips your soul with such tenacity? Will one you cruelly shower with lies Put a pistol ball between your eyes? What infernal serpent Has lent you his forked tongue? From what pit of foul deceit Are all these whoppers sprung? Deceiver, dissembler Your trousers are alight From what pole or gallows Do they dangle in the night?
LOOKING FOR LIARS The face is used more than any other part of the body to cover up lies. We use smiles, nods, and winks in an attempt to cover, but unfortunately for us our body signals will tell the truth when there is a lack of congruence between our body gestures and facial signals. Our attitudes and emotions are continually revealed on our faces and we are completely unaware of it most of the time. When we’re going to try to conceal a lie, or a certain thought flashes into our mind, it can be shown for a split second on our face. In reality, it is exremely difficult to detect deception—far more so than getting an accurate read on the other behaviors. It is really easy to mistake a stress behavior for a lie. For that reason before you conclude that someone is lying to you make certain that you have assessed their signals in context, in respect to other behaviors that are clustered, and in congruence with the body language in question. There is no method, no mach– ine, no test, no person that is 100 percent accurate at detecting lies. Even the polygraph machine is only accurate 60 to 80 percent of the time, depending on the operator. There is no single behavior that is indicative of deception—not one!
DECEPTION IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DETECT
Each gesture or behavior that can be associated with deception can also be asso– ciated with other innocent motives. Also, many nonverbal signals are microgestures—signals that are slight and easy to miss. Three “C”s are important when you look at these behaviors: clustering, congruence, and context. Why is deception so difficult to detect? Because the old adage “practice makes perfect” is true—we learn to lie at an early age, and we do it so often that we become skillful at telling falsehoods convincingly. Lying can be a way to avoid having to give a lengthy explanation, an attempt to avoid punishment, a shortcut to a desired end, or it can simply be used to be nice.
The Mouth Cover: The fingers or hand covers the mouth as the brain subconsciously instructs it to suppress the deceitful words being said. People can try to disguise this gesture using a fake cough. If the person who is speaking uses this gesture, it indicates that they could be lying. If they cover their mouth while you are talking, it can show that they might feel that you are hiding something or being less than sincere. The Nose Touch: Sometimes the nose touch can be a true itchy nose that is normally satisfied by a deliberate rubbing or scratching action. This is different than the light strokes associated with the nose touch gesture that include, several quick rubs below the nose, or a quick almost imperceptible nose touch. When you lie, chemical known as catecholamines are released, causing tissue inside the nose to swell. Our nose actually grows!
The Eye Rub: When a child doesn’t want to look at something, he’ll cover his eyes with one or both hands. When an adult doesn’t want to look at something distasteful or disturbing, the eye rub gesture is likely to occur. The eye rub is the brain’s attempt to block out the deceit, doubt, or distasteful thing it sees, or to avoid having to look at the face of the person who is being lied to. The Ear Grab: This is the adult version of putting both hands over the ears to block out hearing unwanted words. Other variations of the ear grab include rubbing the back of the ear, screwing the finger inside and out of the ear, or tugging at the earlobe. The Neck Scratch: The index finger—usually of the writing hand—scratches the side of the neck below the earlobe. This gesture is a signal of doubt or uncertainty, and is characteristic of a person who is not sure they agree with you.
The Collar Pull: Lying can cause an actual tingling sensation in the delicate facial and neck tissues, and a rub or scratch is required to alleviate the itch. Increased blood pressure from the deceit causes sweat to form on the neck when the dece– iver feels that he has been caught in his lie. It can also occur when a person is feeling angry or frustrate—literally hot under the collar. Fingers-in-the-Mouth: This is an unconscious attempt by the person to revert to the security of the sucking action of an infant. It occurs when we feel under pressure. Young children satisfy this need by sucking their thumb or fingers, adults put their fingers to or in their mouth. They also suck on cigarettes, pens, glasses, candy, or chew gum. Hand-to-mouth gestures may be connected to lying or deception, but the fingers-in-mouth gesture is an outward indication of an inner need for reassurance, so giving the person guarantees and assurances in a positive move.
everyday signs T H E M O S T CO M M O N N O N V E R B A L G ES T U R ES
The #1 gesture cluster seen in men.
We rarely think consciously about the effect of the many seemingly simple nonverbal things we do and see others do everyday. Here are a few behaviors that could be construed as negative, or weak. Take inventory and be alert as you see these nonverbal clues happening and to be more aware of when you yourself are exhibiting them. Holding Objects in Front of Your Body —a coffee cup, notebook, hand bag, etc. Holding objects in front of your body can indicate shyness and resistance, such that you’re hiding behind the objects in an effort to separate yourself from others. Instead of carrying objects in front of you, carry them at your side whenever possible.
Checking the Time or Inspecting Fingernails —a strong sign of boredom. Never glance at the time when you’re speaking with someone. Likewise, completely avoid the act of inspecting your fingernails. Picking Lint Off of Your Clothes —If you pick lint off of your clothes during a conversation, especially in conjunction with looking downwards, most people will assume that you disapprove of their ideas and/or feel uneasy about giving them an honest opinion. Leave the lint alone! Stroking Your Chin While Looking at Someone —“I’m judging you!” People frequently stroke their chin during the decision-making process. If you look at someone while you’re stroking your chin, they may assume that you’re making a judgmental decision about them. Narrowing Your Eyes —if you want to give someone the impression that you don’t like them (or their ideas), narrow your eyes while looking at them. It immediately places a scowling expression on your face. A slight narrowing of the eyes is an instinctual, universal expression of anger across various species in the animal kingdom. Some people make the mistake of narrowing their eyes during a conversation as a reflex of thinking.
Standing Too Close —This just makes people feel uncomfortable. Most people consider the 4 square feet of space immediately surrounding their body to be personal space. Cross this invisible boundary with good friends and intimate mates only. Looking Down While in the Presence of Others —usually indicates disinterest. Sometimes it’s even interpreted as a casual sign of arrogance. Always look straight ahead and make eye contact when you see someone you know. Touching Your Face During a Conversation —Face touching, especially on the nose, is commonly interpreted as an indication of deception. Also, covering up the mouth is a common gesture people make when they’re lying. Always keep your hands away from your face when you’re speaking. Faking a Smile —another sign of deception commonly seen on the face of a fraud. A genuine smile wrinkles the corners of the eyes and changes the expression of the entire face. Fake smiles only involve the mouth and lips. It’s easy to distinguish between the two. Don’t force yourself to smile… unless you have to for the camera.
Leaning Away From Someone —a sign of being bored and disinterested. Some people may also interpret it to mean: “I don’t like you.” People typically lean towards people they like and away from people they dislike. This is especially true when they are sitting around a table. If you lean away from someone you like, you’re sending them the wrong message. Resting Hands Behind the Head or on the Hips —usually interpreted as a sign of superiority or bigheadedness. Only use these gestures when you’re in the presence of close friends. Not Directly Facing the Other Person —This indicates a certain level of discomfort or a lack of interest. When we’re happily engaged in a conversation we face the person we’re speaking to with our feet and torso facing directly forward. When we’re unsure of the other person, or not completely committed to the conversation, we tend to angle our feet and torso to the side. Face directly forward during a conversation to give off the impression that you’re truly interested in what the other person is saying. Crossing Your Arms —can be a sign of defensive resistance. Some people may also interpret it as a sign of arrogance. Try to keep your arms open to your sides.
Slumping —your posture is an immediate telltale sign of your confidence and composure. Your stance literally makes a stand for you, delivering a clear message about how you should be treated. It can make a huge difference in the way strangers respond to you. Place your feet a comfortable distance apart, keep your shoulders pulled back, head up and greet people with direct eye contact and a firm handshake. Scratching Your Head and Neck —a typical sign of doubt and uncertainty. It can also be interpreted as an indication of lying. Try to keep your hands away from your head when you’re communicating with others. Messing With the Collar of Your Shirt —it says: “I feel horribly uncomfortable and nervous!” Once again, keep track of your hands. Don’t fidget. Increasing Rate of Blinking —a clear sign of anxiety. Some people start blinking their eyes really fast (in conjunction with an increased heart rate) when they get nervous. Since most people try to make eye contact, it becomes immediately obvious to others. Be cognizant of your blinking.
Propping Up Your Head with Your Hands —“I’m getting bored!” Be careful about propping up your head with your elbows and hands during a conversation. Try to keep your hands relaxed and in front of you. Wiping Sweaty Hands onto Your Pants —seen as a sign of nervousness. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax. Sitting on the Edge of Your Chair —a clear indication of being mentally and physically uncomfortable. It’s an apprehensive stance that will make others around you feel uncomfortable as well. Foot and Finger Tapping —usually indicates stress, impatience or boredom. Monitor your habits and practice keeping your limbs at rest. Repeatedly Shifting Body Weight —this is another gesture that usually indicates mental and physical discomfort. People may also see this and assume that you’re ready to abandon the conversation, especially if you’re not directly facing them. Don’t shift your feet around any more than absolutely necessary.
CONCLUSION When it comes to understanding what people are saying, there are basically two languages being spoken—verbal and nonverbal. We spend a lot of time trying to get the verbal right. We talk and talk—constantly. But, the thing that will truly serve us better is learning to listen, not only to the words being spoken, but to the hundreds of nonspoken “words” in the silent language of nonverbal communication. Through learning to understand this type of language— body language, we can achieve a deeper, more meaningful view of the individuals in the world around us. By spending time learning about the “not-so-secret” signs that all of us openly display, you can posess knowledge that will enrich your life and interpersonal relationships.
In time, you can know what everybody is saying. So, “How am I supposed to watch someone’s body language and think about my own body language, and try to concentrate on what we’re talking about? Remember, your brain is hardwired to read many nonverbal cues, so all you are doing is learning consciously to read the signals and messages being sent. It’s like anything new— at first it’s uncomfortable and scary, and you’ll probably make mistakes, but with time and practice you’ll soon learn to “hear” all of the behaviors and gestures that others are speaking so loudly even without words.
For the most part we ignore the connection between words and behaviors. We all see nonverbal clues, but most of us don’t pay attention to them, we fail to observe the signs, or don’t believe they hold any real meaning. Do you ever wonder why?
Melissa Dos Santos Typography Fall 2012 University of Tennessee