Fuzz free bikini line and chin

HAIR

TODAY

By Mel Byron Trainer, Comedian and Writer

As I write this, the sun is shining and spring has definitely sprung. Short sleeves are being worn, perhaps ill-advisedly, and two important things now rise to the top of the to-do list. It’s time to both swap over the car’s winter tyres and remove the winter fluff from my legs. The whole leg, mind you, all the way down to, and including, the toes. One of those involves qualified professionals, muscular young men in overalls wielding hydraulic power tools. The tyres I can change myself.

That’s a sample of the kind of top-class joke smithery that has put me at the forefront of menopausal comedy. But no punchline I could scribble on the back of a box of Veet can compare with the hair distribution prank played daily upon you, me, and our entire tribe. Suddenly, our legs qualify us for Crufts. Yet morning grooming ends with a hairbrush thick with the remnants of those highlights that cost more than a small house. Is there any point in spending money on a new ‘do’ with hair that’s as transparent as your granny’s lace curtains? If Tesco sold Value-branded hair, that’s what would be under my hat right now.

Why, oh, why, can’t it be the other way round, with gauzelike strands on the thighs, and a mane that wouldn’t look out of place in a Lloyds Bank advert. More importantly, why the heck does it matter so much? I mean, it’s only hair, and what’s that? Science tells us that it’s protein filaments that grow out of follicles in the dermis. No, me neither. But, by heck, those wee filaments and their related bits and pieces can’t half make or break the day.

Like me, you probably fret about your medulla, cortex and cuticle more than is healthy. Perhaps it’s because your alpha-keratin is prematurely turning grey? Granular stratum a cause for concern? Stop your whining and get yourself down to Boots to buy … well, what? Look at those shelves! There are millions of products on the market, and some are even aimed at ‘mature hair’. Presumably, that means hair that’s moved out of its parents’ house and got itself a job. Some products have caffeine in them, which apparently thickens the tonsure. I tried a homemade version, basically, a cup of Gold Blend rubbed through to the split ends. It did nothing except make me smell like the bin around the back of Starbucks.

If you’re looking for a solution to the hair problem, I’m sorry, I don’t have one. I do comedy, which makes me a professional moaner. ‘What is it, with hair, eh?’, followed by a bit of swearing. That sort of thing. All my science I get from Twitter, which, as you know, is awash with highly qualified commentators on matters biological.

So, instead of giving actual help, I will end with a story from not so long ago.

As the first lockdown neared its end, and as my husband sensed that round-the-clock proximity to him was making me want to stick my head in the microwave (or more likely his head), he presented me with a voucher for a waxing salon, to ‘cheer me up’. It came with a wee menu of services, all fabulously named. I toyed with both the Love Heart and the Bermuda Triangle, but a glance in the mirror assured me that even my top lip wasn’t fulsome enough for geometry. Then the pound coin dropped. We weren’t in the region of facial hair. We were much lower down the lady body. Triangle, you say? There was probably enough there to make a 3-D pyramid and the odd mummy to fill it. Well, sod it, I thought; it was a nice gift and as soon as it was safe to do so, I boldly strode into the salon waving my voucher. Waving, and shouting ‘I’ll have an airstrip’. I wish you could have seen it. It was a work of art. It came complete with five terminal buildings and a car park. Yes, I went the full Heathrow. Never, ever ask for a Stansted, because they’ll just strip your armpits and tell you ‘Of course, it’s in bloody London!’. The joke’s on hubby, though, because the runway was so sensitive it had to close for a month. Cue gags about undercarriages and soft landings, followed by rousing applause. Ladies and ladies, I am here all week. Free tickets with every bottle of caffeinated shampoo.