4 minute read
Single parenting and menopause
By Katie Bachoo
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I am a single parent with teenagers. A full-time nurse and am perimenopausal.
Ilost my parents in my 20’s, my home in my 30’s, husbands in my 40’s, and now, in my 50’s, I am a sweaty, chubby, tired and tearful mess.
Working 12-hour shifts plus overtime to pay bills, I’m also a chef, housekeeper and cabbie. On some days self-care involves “death in paradise” reruns, a five-minute bath, and staying asleep the whole night would be like winning the lottery. My children’s father gives zero support financially, physically, or emotionally and sometimes I wish there was someone at home to share bad days or good news with and I do miss the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with a relationship – teenagers don’t do hugs! Or cook dinner, vacuum, or iron either, it would seem. Oh, and they don’t fix flat tyres or put bins out. In addition to doing EVERYTHING, I itch like a flearidden feline, look like a hirsute sumo wrestler and my breasts spill out of my bra like inadequately filled water balloons. I spend Sundays putting pills in a box with days of the week on, so I can remember to take my medications to manage hot flushes, joint pain, and loose bowels.
I forget what I’m saying as I say it and can’t remember the storyline of books I read – rereading previous chapters just to recap each time I pick the damn things up. Anxiety? The icing on a cake loaded with low self-esteem. One child thinks I should see a doctor as I obviously have a problem and the other walks around shutting cupboard doors that I perpetually leave open, whilst waiting to be fed. Oh, and has anyone seen my car keys? I constantly feel like I let my children down. I think they miss out on things other kids have and do. Am I a failure because I work 45-70 hours a week? I don’t help with homework because I am never there, and the work/ mummy/housekeeper hamster wheel is exhausting. I fought hard to study when my babies were young and now as an advanced nurse with significant responsibility, some days can feel like patients and their families just complain, then die. Staff moan constantly and pay is rubbish. BUT...
Overtime sometimes buys cocktails, clothes, and holidays. Selfcare sometimes includes hobbies and little luxuries.
Meals prepped in advance save time, and cleaning? Cleaning will still be there tomorrow. Being “mums uber” - keeps my babies safe. I am 100% devoted to ensuring paternal absence does not limit the enjoyment of my girl’s childhood, nor feel that the love they receive is compromised.
I love them enough to compensate for any shortfall - I will never fill the gaping hole completely, but I will die trying. Being a lone parent also affords me the best kind of friends – they dry my tears, laugh when I laugh, hand out emergency loans and love my children in ways only I thought I could.
The real icing on the cake for me during menopause is not having to put up with someone else’s moaning or mess. No one to disappoint me or irritate me. If I want nachos and wine for dinner naked in front of reality TV, that is exactly what I will have! A flat tyre will always get fixed, OK yes, I still have to put the bins out but hey, a girl can’t have it all!
Forgetting what I want to say means... absolutely nothing, and yes, I itch but I use appropriate products so my skin stays soft and youthful. Weight gain? Whatever. I am STILL confident, sexy, and gorgeous. It’s all about putting a positive spin on every situation. Positive words, thoughts and actions. The reality is my patients and their families are amazing people who brighten my day. Colleagues make me laugh; the bond of teams who prioritise the sick and dying over all else is a gift. Kids criticise and moan. They are teenagers. What do you expect?! They also happen to be great company and a joy to be with.
Anxiety? Self-esteem issues? Life isn’t life without these, talk yourself beautiful! Chill - you’ve got this gig. Hard work pays off and respect for oneself is paramount; my children and I deserve a good life and it’s worth the effort. Juggling is an achievement. I may be sweaty, forgetful, scratchy, chubby and wrinkly, but I am also fabulous, fun, and an incredible role model. Menopause brings confidence and attitude, and I WILL rock the next chapter of life. In many traditions, the elders are revered and valued. That’s me. If I value myself, everyone else will too. Being a lone parent also affords me the best kind of friends – they dry my tears, laugh when I laugh, hand out emergency loans and love my children in ways only I thought I could.
