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It’s like “Cuff links” for the price of “Buttons.”

German engineering, best-in-class rear legroom, and Intelligent Crash Response System. All standard. Great. For the price of good.

Text JETTA to 892277 (VWCARS) and we’ll send back a video tour.** ©2010 Volkswagen of America, Inc. *Starting MSRP of $15,995 for 2011 Volkswagen Jetta S 2.0L with manual transmission. Model shown is a 2011 Volkswagen Jetta SEL 2.5L manual transmission with a starting MSRP of $21,395. All prices exclude transportation, taxes, title, other options and dealer charges. Dealer sets actual price. **Not available for all carriers or devices. Message and data rates may apply.

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Series 3

“Life’s “L Life’ss worth worth nothing

View the video on braun.com

Wear

without passion.”

your face.

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Most quartz watches are accurate to 15 seconds a month Bulova Precisionist is accurate to 10 seconds a year. The key is Precisionist’s unique three-prong quartz crystal, which produces a vibration frequency of 262.144 kilohertz (kHz), eight times greater than the usual two-prong crystal and the highest of any watch available today. And, the innovative design of the Precisionist movement reduces the effects of temperature variation without using a high maintenance thermo-regulating integrated circuit. The result is a watch that is extraordinarily precise, yet so easy to operate.

CHAMPLAIN COLLECTION

available at Macy’s

features 92 Icon: Will Arnett The Arrested Development star reunites with David Cross on Running Wilde. By Patrick Carone

94 Season of Slam 2010 hoops in your face! Durant on winning! Howard on farting! Artest on Celine Dion!

NOVEMBER 2010 86 avril

lavigne

Music’s bad girl is back to rock your world! BY RUTH HILTON

100 The Main Event The Event’s Taylor Cole is 70 percent legs, 30 percent carbon, and 100 percent gorgeous! By Brekke Fletcher

106 Jackass: The Oral History Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Wee Man, and the rest relive TV’s sickest show. By Marc Spitz

114 Motion Pictures Five cars of the future race across our pages and into your dreams. By Jesse Will

128 The 12 Most Dangerous Men in the World Our deadly dozen, from nuke dealers to serial-killing truckers. By Chris Wilson

130 In the Mood for Italian? Scorching soccer WAG Melissa Satta! By Paolo Giovannazi

132 Scarface in Stilettos The true story of a Colombian beauty queen cops say turned cocaine crime lord. By Mark Ebner

on the cover:

Photograph by Don Flood STYLING, JESSICA PASTER; HAIR AND MAKEUP, GABRIEL PANDURO FOR I.C.O.N.; MANICURE, KIMMIE KYEES FOR MINX/CELESTINE AGENCY; SET DESIGN, DAVID ROSS. THANKS TO SIREN STUDIOS. VINTAGE TOP COURTESY OF HOLLYWOOD TRADING COMPANY, FOREVER 21 BOY SHORTS, TOM BINNS NECKLACE, GASOLINE GLAMOUR RING, VAN CLEEF BRACELET, SO RUFF SO TUFF EARRINGS COURTESY OF DIAVOLINA, ROCK & REPUBLIC SHOES.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 7

83 SEX

Twelve lovely ladies tell you what they’re thankful for in bed.

depa departments 13

Letters Hot shots from our Hometown Hotties party, and hot letters from our even hotter readers!

Circus Maximus Pointless achievements, much-needed celeb rehab, and the return of the Decider! It’s a 13-page funsplosion in your face!

Rated Out-of-this-world Syfy beauty Elyse Levesque, comedy genius Todd Phillips, and the return of rock gods Kings of Leon.

Stuff The Maxim gaming guide anoints this generation’s motioncontrol master. Plus, Tommy Lee’s killer chopper, and a woman with a tool.

Columns Plenty of sex and meatballs. Plus, we knuckle up for college football’s nastiest rivalries!

138

Style Witness the rebirth of classic American style! (It’s a lot less gross than witnessing the birth of a child.)

156

24 Hours to Live On his last day on Earth, the new Captain Kirk, Chris Pine, laments some breakfast burrito choices (and so do we—light a match, man!)

8 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

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Taylor Made

GET YOUR CLICKS

HERE

Meet Taylor Cole (left), the insanely gorgeous actress starring in NBC’s smash The Event. No, take a long look at her brain-meltingly hot shoot in this very magazine on page 100. Next, head to Maxim.com for more exclusive photos of the sexy star. The future of the world depends on it!

I’m allergic to cotton!

APP ATTACK! Check out Maxim-approved hangouts with our city guide at Maxim.com/cityguide. We eat and drink so you don’t have to! Grab a full digital version of this issue for your iPad or smartphone at Maxim.com/iPad and Maxim.com/November2010. If you download in the next 30 minutes, you’ll also receive nothing else—for free!

12 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Scan with your smartphone for a chance to win a tailgating package. You’ll also be entered to win a trip to one of college football’s biggest weekends.* *For ofﬁcial rules, go to Maxim.com/contests.

Hottie e Heav Heaven

Subscribe to our weekly sports newsletter (maxim.com/ newsletters) to get our picks for the week’s best and worst showdowns. Hello, bocci!

school spirit

what to watch

EXTRA CREDIT More digital delights from your favorite mag. Speaking of v voting, our Top 1 Hometown 10 H Hotties need y ballots. your O click could One de determine this ye year’s queen. You have great power! PHOTOGRAPH BY KAYT JONES

letters

THE ONLY CURE FOR OUR LONELINESS IS YOUR MAIL

We’re at letters@maxim.com. Do it before we cut ourselves.

mail pattern awesomeness SOME CORRESPONDENCE IS SO SPECTACULAR IT MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED.

Caught Lohanded

Thanks again, Maxim, for making my day! First Milla Jovovich, then Olivia Munn, now Lindsay Lohan. How can you get any better? Lindsay has been one of my favorite actresses since I saw her in The Parent Trap. Then she became one of my ﬁrst crushes when I saw Freaky Friday! This has to be the best issue of Maxim I’ve ever seen! Daniel Agundiz Fort Stockton, TX Dude, she was, like, 16 in Freaky Friday. Oh...nice try, Chris Hansen. There’s no way we’re falling for that one. Again. Writer’s Road Block I’m a student at UC San Diego, and this summer I started driving between San Diego and L.A. The drive gets boring, and I can get drowsy. The only thing that keeps me awake is the Maxim magazine in my car. One look at your beautiful women and I’m wide-awake. Thank you for giving me the chance to read every month’s issue on the road. Ayk San Diego, CA PS: I wrote this while driving. “Ayk”?We’re pretty sure that’s what you’ll be screaming when you hit the guardrail. Good luck!

Tug Job

PHOTOGRAPHS, BRIAN BERKOWITZ, ZACH GOLDSTEIN (HOMETOWN HOTTIES)

I love Maxim, but since I work on a tugboat in the Bering Sea in the summer, I can’t get a subscrip-

tion. So you guys have to make sure your magazine is available in all the towns on Alaska’s west coast. I couldn’t find a single one in five different villages. Nathan via e-mail We’ve dispatched Tenzing, our staff Sherpa, with a team of sled dogs and 1,000 Maxims! He should arrive in the next eight to nine years. He’ll probably have dysentery when he gets there, so if you could be waiting with some antibiotics, that’d be super.

Bracket Racket Regarding “The Ultimate Bracket Battle” in your NFL preview [September], sirs: You stated that the ’68 Colts were the AFC champions. This is wrong for several reasons. First, the ’68 Colts were the NFL champions.

Herbie just blew a gasket.

(Baltimore defeated Cleveland 34-0). Second, there was no AFC (American Football Conference) in 1968. Third, the championship game that became known as the Super Bowl was played between the AFL (American Football League) champions (New York Jets) and the NFL champions (Baltimore Colts). From a faithful reader since issue number one. Albert Philadelphia, PA All those acronyms confuse us. We thought NAMBLA was a late-afternoon basketball league for years! So did Bayani, our houseboy, no matter what that little hairless minx tells you.

AWESOME GRIPE OF THE MONTH Whoever wrote the Tech Tonics story [Stuff, September] needs to do their research. If they knew anything at all about the current RC helicopter scene, they would know it isn’t for “old men.” The hottest pilots on Earth are young guns. Do your research before you ﬂame the hottest talent around. The “Air Bud” is a joke compared to state-of-the-art helis. What moron wrote this? Fire him, as he just totally shamed your rag. Get it right or die. Anonymous via e-mail We read this letter while listening to “Danger Zone” and popped a serious Kenny Loggins in our pants. You can be our Goose anytime, ime, hotshot. watch n it all on maxim. com!

these hotties likes to party! WE FLEW THE 2010 HOMETOWN HOTTIES FINALISTS (FLIP TO P.38 TO SEE MORE!) FOR A WEEK’S WORTH OF FUN AND FREAKY FROLICKING IN SUNNY SAN DIEGO. HERE’S A TASTE OF THE DEBAUCHED GOOD TIMES. PHOTOGRAPH BY MATT JONES

passing the torch

Bearly legal

lucky lineup

Charging in

2009 champ Kristin (right) with 2010 hopeful Kaitlynn. We’re blinded by the double sexiness! (And our cataracts.)

Hot enough to be a contestant, this partygoer crashed our rooftop pool bash sporting some recent roadkill. Chic!

From left: Hot girl, ball, hot girl, ball, hot girl, ball...We sense a pattern here!

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shaun Phillips meets a few of the lovely ladies before sacking the buffet. Fumble! NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 13

jokes

SEE IF YOUR FUNNY BONE IS BIGGER THAN OURS… Send your funnies to jokes@maxim.com.

THE HA-HA LIST BY MICHAEL BRUMM

I listen to a lot of rap music, and people give me shit about it, which I don’t understand. When they say things like, “What are you listening to gangsta rap for? You’re not a gangsta,” II’m m like, “You You watch action a movies, and you’re not a ninja, so fuck off.” off

Adult Bedtime Stories

A guy wakes up after an epic night of drinking and notices two rings around his pecker: one red and the other brown. Horrified, he goes to the doctor, who takes a sample and comes back in the room. He says, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the red circle is lipstick.” The guy hollers, “Hell, yeah!” The doctor continues: “The bad news is that the brown one is Skoal.” Greg Ingram Once Bitten

Ring My Bell

Stand and Deliver

A shark and his son go looking for a snack. The father says, “I’m going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your ﬁn out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them.” “Why circle them?” asks the son. The father replies, “They taste better without shit in them.” Roger Pal

Twelve monks are to be ordained. For their final test, they must line up nude while a topless dancer performs. Each monk has a small bell attached to his privates and is told that if the bell rings, he’ll fail. The girl dances before the first candidate and gets no reaction. She moves down the line, with the same response until the final monk. As she dances, his bell rings and falls to the ground. Ashamed, he bends down to pick it up…and the other 11 bells go off. Jamie Waterman

“You seem to be more intelligent than the average witness of your background,” says the lawyer to the man on the stand. The man replies, “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.” Tim Jennings

Condomania A man gets on a plane with six kids. The ﬂight attendant asks, “Are these yours?” The man replies, ”No, I work for Trojan, and these are customer complaints!” Rob Findley

BEAT THIS CAPTION

Where the Vibrating Things Are The Ant and the Grasshopper: The Experimental College Years Hop on Pop’s Mistress The Cat in the Strappy Lace Teddy One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Key Party The Very Horny Caterpillar Hansel and Gretel: Forbidden Love The Giving-ItFrom-Behind Tree Goodnight, Spooge

Make Us Laugh, Funnyman ONE KNOCKDOWN-FUNNY JOKE FROM A STAND-UP COMIC.

Jokester: Andy Ritchie ﬁghting out of: Austin, Texas Most annoying reality TV star: The cops from Cops. High school nickname: When I got my GED, they misspelled my name “Amdy.” That’s the closest I got. Biggest waste of money: Robot repellent (doesn’t work). Who would play me in a movie? If the movie was about me as a baby, I’d say any baby would do. It should probably be a boy baby, though. If I could masturbate to only one picture, it would be: The actual Mona Lisa.

WI N TH I S !

TO ENTER

1. Enter your caption at Maxim.com/contests.* 2. Visualize yourself winning this $130 Sony TRiK iPod dock! 3. Check Maxim.com or the January issue to see if your visions were true!

Kermit and a freshly shorn Fozzie

september’s Winner

“Why do they keep sending me on these wild moose chases?” Trena Rivers

*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only to legal U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins October 19, 2010, and ends November 10, 2010. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and ofﬁcial rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize, and other details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc.

14 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Rough is fun. Dry is not.

Make Astroglide X Personal Lubricant part of your next adventure. Try this new high performance silicone formula to enhance sexual sensations and truly take your experience to the next level. For a free sample, visit Astroglide.com or call 800-848-5900. ©2009 BioFilm IP, LLC

A MAXIM VIEW OF THE WORLD

MY FIRST TIME:

rebecca marshall

Before you watch this Canadian cutie brave a bevy of deadly traps in Saw 3D, read up on some of her more memorable ﬁrsts.

HAIR, PAULA ASHBY; MAKEUP, MERC ARCENEAUX

PHOTOGRAPHS BY BRIE CHILDERS

Gucci bikini NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 17

First Sore Throat I had to do some audio redubbing for Saw 3D, but the whole thing was just screaming. You have to watch video of your scene and time your screaming, like, “OK, one short scream and two long screams!” The traps in this installment are the biggest and goriest by far, so there’s a lot of screaming. First Foreign Trip Cuba, when I was a kid. I remember leaving the resort, and an old woman kept looking at me. Then she came up and tried to touch my lips. It was weird till I realized she had never seen lip gloss, so I gave her mine. I’ve been back since as an adult, and no one has tried to touch my lips.

First Racy Role On the show Threshold I played an alien stripper named Candy Cane. I infected Peter Dinklage and turned him into an alien. I had a death scene where he’s supposed to be hit by a lamp, but I was underneath him in bed, and it kept hitting me instead. After my mom saw it, she was like, “Wow.”

Saw 3D hits theaters October 29. 000 MAXIM OCTOBER 2010

PHOTOGRAPH BY TKTKTKTKTKTK

XXXX XXXX XXXX XX

First Audition It was for the role of Helen in Troy with Brad Pitt. I had just come in from Toronto. I had nothing, just $80 in my pocket. All these girls were auditioning in, I don’t want to say togas, but, like, drapey dresses. I came in with ripped jeans and a T-shirt. I was the modernday Helen of Troy!

EVERYTHING A HYBRID IS. AND ISN’T. Introducing the sport hybrid. Hybrids are all the rage, as they should be. Efficiency and economy are more important now than ever. But at Honda, we weren’t about to turn our back on hairpin turns and manual gearboxes. So we designed a hybrid that seemingly defies logic. One that embraces the driving experience most hybrids ignore. The result is certainly a hybrid. But also obviously something else altogether. For more, visit cr-z.honda.com.

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

MUCH-NEEDED CELEB REHAB

DR. DREW, THEY NEED YOU!

Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab returns to VH1 with a truckload of effed-up messes, including kidnapprone Jeremy London and heroin-y Leif Garrett. But who really needs his firm helping hand? We have some thoughts. Jennifer Aniston Her addiction to crappy rom-coms will inevitably lead to a movie about trying to conceive a child with Hugh Grant. Watch for Robin Williams as the wacky ob-gyn! Jesse James Capt. Motorcycle is dating Kat Von D. Jesse, does your love of women who look like passed-out frat kids covered in Sharpie scribbles know no limits?

these feats are made for mocking 1 4

LeBron James His inability to refer to himself in the first person is alienating both friends and family. As LeBron might say: “LeBron needs help.”

Every media outlet in New York Can you go one day without filing a report about bed bugs? How about an hour? Baby steps, baby steps.

POINTLESS ACHIEVEMENTS OF PEOPLE WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

Google Sap British “hiker” Matthew Partridge is “walking” the length of Great Britain—all 1,200 miles of it—via Google Maps Street View. “I can’t be bothered with all the training, planning, and hardships of actually doing the walk,” he said. The lazy sod plans to wrap up his trek in 100 hours over 10 days, by which point he’ll go back to googling “Queen Elizabeth” and “beaver shot.” Degree of difﬁculty: 1 Degree of lameness: 10

walkman It took 859 days, but on August 9 of this year, British army vet Ed Stafford completed his goal of walking the entire length of the Amazon, all 6,000-plus miles of it. He did 20 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

it to bring the world’s attention to the depletion of the rain forest, but we think it mostly brought crotch rot to his balls. Degree of difﬁculty: 10 Degree of lameness: 6

Driven Crazy This summer an avid fan of conservative icon Ayn Rand decided to shout his love of the author such that it could be read only via Google Earth. To do this Nick Newcomen drove his car 12,328 miles in 30 days to “write” READ AYN RAND, plotting his course using a GPS tracking device. If this sounds utterly tedious, you should try reading Atlas Shrugged. Degree of difﬁculty: 4 Degree of lameness: 7

Bass Ackwards Italian Michele Santelia has typed a whopping 68 books from ﬁnish to start. Yup, from The Odyssey to Macbeth, he typed them all backward. Because doing it straight would be a total waste of time. Degree of difﬁculty: 5 Degree of lameness: 8

Just Our Type On December 7, 1998, after 16 years at his typewriter, Aussie Les Stewart finished typing all the numbers from one to one million…in words. Yeah, as in: nine hundred seventy-eight thousand, six hundred fifty-three. Not impressed? He used only one finger. World’s worst finger bang. Degree of difficulty: 3 Degree of lameness:9

Barack obama Let us be clear, Barry: Your chemical dependence on mom jeans is destroying your ability to lead. We “hope” you “change” your pants. Justin Bieber OK, fine, we’re the ones who need a little help getting this übercutie out of our heads. We see his face everywhere we look— save us, Dr. Drew! ILLUSTRATION BY APAK

THE POWER OF COOL AVAILABLE AT MACY’S

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

The Decider WHO WILL YOU HOOK UP WITH THIS THANKSGIVING?

start here

Do you like exotic women?

Are you going to your parents’ house?

YES

Your grandmother’s Jamaican nurse

YES NO

YES

Are you a total dick?

Because you live in the basement?

YES

When you hit the local bar, you’ll reminisce about high school because: A. You had some wild, fun times. B. You work as the night janitor there.

Your brother’s wife

Girl you think was maybe in your ninth-grade chemistry class

Have your Facebook updates ever regarded your feelings about the release of Star Wars on Blu-ray?

YES

Your hand

google street warfare GOOGLE’S STREET-

VIEW CAMERAS HAVE CAUGHT EVERY PRECIOUS FACET OF THE HUMAN CONDITION—AND A ROCK STAR IN A BATHTUB.

22 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

House on Fire (sherwood, AR) Wait, all of Arkansas doesn’t look like this?

Girl Flashing (Homewood, IL) She may not be a looker, but her heart’s in the right place.

swordsmen (Pittsburgh, PA) Turns out these medieval warriors were part of an art project. So, um, joke’s on us?

“Dead” Girl (Worcester, england) What looked like the corpse of a 10-yearold was just this girl “playing.” Fun!

Guy With Riﬂe (Rapid City, SD) Be vewy, vewy quiet: He’s hunting bumper stickers.

Man in Bathtub (Oklahoma City, OK) That dude is actually Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips (which kind of makes sense).

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CIRCUS MAXIMUS

the world series’ foulest balls

A LOOK BACK AT AMERICA’S FAVORITE PASTIME: DOING STUPID THINGS IN AND AROUND BASEBALL STADIUMS.

Brooklyn Dodgers vs. Cleveland Indians ≥Hall of Fame pitcher Rube Marquard was arrested before Game 4 of the World Series for scalping six tickets for $350. He was slapped with a whopping ﬁne of $3.80! And in case you think he got off easy, that would be $40 in today’s money.

1933

New York Giants vs. Washington Senators ≥Senators left ﬁelder Heinie Manush ended an argument with umpire Charley Moran by grabbing Moran’s elastic-band bow tie and snapping it back at the ump’s neck. Moran tossed him, but not before Manush responded, “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!”

1961

CincinNati Reds vs. New York Yankees ≥As it was the height of the Cold War, Pennsylvania Supreme Court justice Michael Musmanno sent a letter to Reds manager Fred Hutchinson pleading with him to change his team’s name, worried what a headline like “Reds Defeat Yanks!” might do to national morale. No worries: The Yanks beat the Commie bastards.

1985

St. Louis Cardinals vs. Kansas City Royals ≥With the Cards up three games to two and leading in the ninth inning, umpire Don Denkinger botched a call at ﬁrst base, allowing the Royals to come back and tie the series. Then, in Game 7, Denkinger tossed Cards’ ace Joaquin Andujar for arguing calls. Andujar, per league regulations, destroyed a clubhouse toilet in response. 28 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

mma move

1990

Cincinnati Reds vs. Oakland A’s ≥What with the Nazi memorabilia, homophobia, and boozing, Reds owner Marge Schott wasn’t exactly known for her sharp mind. Before Game 2, Schott raised the bar by dedicating the game to U.S. troops in the “Middle West.” Get home safe… from Kansas, brave soldiers.

1992

Atlanta Braves vs. Toronto Blue Jays ≥With America and Canada facing off for the ﬁrst time in the fall classic, the U.S. Marine Corps Color Guard made a funny by carrying the Canadian ﬂag upside down. When the series returned to Toronto, maple-syrup-swilling vendors did brisk business selling fans “upside down” versions of old glory. Pretty original, eh?

2000

New York Yankees vs. New York Mets ≥Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer letting loose on a vampire batter, Yankees ace Roger Clemens hurled a jagged shard of Mike Piazza’s bat at him in a display of what was deﬁnitely not a case of ’roid rage. Because the Rocket never juiced. Are we clear on this?

2009

New York Yankees vs. Philadelphia Phillies ≥In a rousing show of home-team love, The Philadelphia Inquirer ran a full-page ad screaming, “Congratulations, Phillies! Back-to-Back Champs.” Problem was, the Phils lost. Inquirer staffers apparently missed “climax control” condom day at Citizens Bank Park.

or kama sutra position

>We pulled terms from the Kama Sutra and MMA Mastery: Ground and Pound (in stores now!). Can you tell which will bring you pain and which will bring you an orgasm and which might bring you both? The Pair of Tongs The Twining of A Creeper The Turtle ride Posture inside bottom scissors The blow of a boar The blow of a bull The sporting of a sparrow The Top Saddle The Rear Mount The Throne Pass The Rock of Gilbraltar The Sternal Arrow ANSWER: THEY’RE ALL MMA TERMS EXCEPT “THE TWINING OF A CREEPER”

1920

pop quiz

t Sca m o see n upeoga maour s hitfs “club”h!>

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

February 6, 2003 50 Cent “In Da Club” Line: “You can ﬁnd me in the club, bottle full of bub. Look, Mami, I got the X if you into taking drugs.” Interpretation: Whether your vice is champagne or MDMH, 50 will deliver. May 23, 2008 Usher feat. Young Jeezy “Love in This Club” Line: “I wanna make love in this club, aye.” Interpretation: Going a step further, Usher promises coital acts within the establishment. August 19, 2008 Lil Wayne “Lollipop” Line: “Bottles in the club, Shawty wanna hump.” Interpretation: Alcohol is plentiful, and the women here would very much enjoy Mr. Wayne’s penis.

in da club CHRONICLING ALMOST 20 YEARS’ WORTH OF MUSICAL SHENANIGANS AT THAT MYTHICAL DISCOTHEQUE KNOWN ONLY AS “THE CLUB.” November 9, 1993 A Tribe Called Quest “Electric Relaxation” Line: “If I was workin’ at the club, you would not pay.” Interpretation: Attractive females hoping to gain access to the club would most likely be acquitted of any entry fees.

March 17, 1998 Ice Cube “We Be Clubbin’” Line: “Back in so we can smoke a dub, down to bump all these bitches at the club.” Interpretation: Before one attempts ingress into a female, one should partake of a marijuana cigarette.

December 28, 1999 Jay-Z “Do It Again (Put Ya Hands Up)” Line: “If a nigga wanna draw, then the blood, it can drip in the club.” Interpretation: If one brandishes a gun in Mr. Z’s presence, ence, one can expect a most violent olent response.

HOTTIE BODYGUARDS FORGET “BIG BLACK” BOYKIN—GIRLS IN THE CELEBRITY SECURITY GAME CAN BACK YOUR ASS UP, TOO!

≥Think the cutie in VIP with Rihanna is her BFF? Nope, that’s her femme fatale bodyguard, and she will crush you if you take another step. More and more female celebs are adding sexy security to their posses. “It’s about concealment,” says Elijah Shaw, CEO of Icon Services, who trains a bevy of lady protectors. “Female bodyguards can blend in and go where male security can’t.” Icon alum Joanna Torrens, 27, says it’s more about brains than brawn. “I’m not just there to be a pretty face. I keep an eye out on paparazzi, escape routes, trafﬁc patterns.” And, presumably, creepy Maxim editors. 30 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

January 2009 (Leak) Rihanna “Hatin’ On the Club” Line: “Ohhh, you got me hatin’ on the club, ’cause you took my love.” Interpretation: Taking love for granted in the club may lead to dislike of said club. June 28, 2010 Flo Rida feat. David Guetta “Club Can’t Handle Me” Line: “The club can’t even handle me right now.” Interpretation: Once one has proven dominance over the club, it can no longer “handle” one at the moment. Later, perhaps.

PRIVATE PARTS

PRO ATHLETES ARE SHOWING UP ONLINE IN NUDE PICS LIKE C-LIST STARLETS. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?

GRADY SIZEMORE

The skinny: Seminude pics of the Indians star were stolen from his girlfriend’s e-mail. Possible excuse: With a name like Sizemore, this was bound to happen. Apology type: Zen-like. “It just happened to work out the way it did.” Subconscious motivation: “I’ll show ‘em that baseball players aren’t boring!”

MARTELLUS BENNETT

The skinny: Supposedly, an angry ex shared impure pics of the Cowboys tight end. Possible excuse: Bennett is dumb (see his YouTube channel for proof). Apology type: Lame. Bennett called the photos “totally inappropriate.” Subconscious motivation: “Maybe Romo will throw me the ball more if I join him in the tabloids.”

GREG ODEN

The skinny: Portland’s big man became a true trailblazer when grainy dong shots surfaced. Possible excuse: Oden was out for the year, so he had a lot of free time. Apology type: Sincere. Oden’s “heart dropped” when he heard the news. Subconscious motivation: “Maybe my junk will make you forget I was drafted before Kevin Durant.”

DARNELL DOCKETT

The skinny: After a bet that the Cards tackle wouldn’t ﬁlm a shower scene, he went to work. Possible excuse: Dockett only makes $3.75 mil, so he needed that $1,000. Apology type: Hilarious. According to the Hufﬁngton Post, “[He] vowed never to bathe himself online again.” Subconscious motivation: “Who am I kidding? I’ll probably bathe myself online again.” ILLUSTRATION BY ERIK T. JOHNSON

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

ANSWERING ALL THE STUPID QUESTIONS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD (AND SOME YOU DID).

HAVERAY QUE HINGS T ABOUDT STUFF ? AN HATNOT AND W puzzlers to ! our Send y@maxim.com ask

Will we ever be able to play games with our brains? Eric Brawn, via e-mail

That rhymes! Also, yes, we can already. Here’s how the BrainGate Neural Interface System will put your thumbs to pasture. 1. First, a 4 mm microchip is implanted in the motor cortex, the area of the brain that controls voluntary movement. 2. Electrodes on the chip detect the nerve impulses your brain usually sends to your limbs. 3. Those impulses are sent through a cable to a nearby computer, which translates the signals based on pattern recognition (“move thumb sideways” has a signature, for example). 4. Those translated directives are then given to an object in the nearby game, in this case a Pong paddle. Awesome! (Unfortunately, you have to be paraplegic to use it. Still, though…awesome!)

ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS PHILPOT

fast facts cts s 250 million turkeys were raised in the United States in 2009.

Tasty tidbits about turkey day!

DUMB QUESTION OF THE MONTH

Can you dive into a pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck? John McDonald, Irving,TX ≥ Sure, but it might be painfully similar to diving headfirst into concrete, according to chemist David Lever at Ohio Wesleyan University. The coins would lock together and form a solid surface that, if you chose to dive into, would snap your neck. It’s probably not safe to keep your life savings in a giant vault with a money symbol on it, either.

Turkey, Texas (pop. 456) is the most populous of the three towns in the nation named after the bird.

709 million pounds of cranberries were produced last year.

▲ THE AGE AT WHICH YOUR PERSONALITY IS SET FOR LIFE, SAYS A RECENT STUDY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. SO THAT MUST BE WHY WE STILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH CHEETARA FROM THUNDERCATS, RIGHT? RIGHT?!

The ﬁrst Thanksgiv- The USDA advises storing ing feast occurred in the raw turkey, duck, and Newfoundland chicken no longer in 1578, not in than two days before Plymouth in 1621. cooking a turducken.

You Didn’t Ask, but We’re Telling You Anyway

knowledge you’ll wish you Never had! ≥ According to the dating experts AT OkCupid, iPhone owners score more tail than users of any other cell phone. Male iPhone owners averaged 10 sexual partners, and lady Apple fans averaged an impressive 12.3. Using an Android phone? Sucks to be you and your measly mean of six boning buddies.

circus maximus contributors: martina lachance / mike olson / joel randell / scott rothman / anna wexler 32 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

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CIRCUS MAXIMUS

NO PAIN, HUGE GAINS

THE WARMUP THAT'LL MAKE YOU STRONGER, FASTER, AND INJURY-FREE. GET READY TO RULE DIESEL-DOM.

Everything you know about stretching is wrong. According to research, static (standing still) stretching before a workout actually makes you weaker and more prone to injury. “Doing it just before exercising is potentially worse than starting cold,” says David "Dave T." Tebidor, director of Velocity Sports Performance in N.Y.C., who trains

THERE AND BACKS

Run 25 yards, reaching near-sprint speed. Return running backward. Do two sets to open warmup, then two sets to close it. Focus on: Posture, slowly increasing speed, swinging arms, not wiping out while running backward.

PRONE SCORPIONS

Lie flat on your beer belly, arms extended. Swing right leg over body toward left hand. Toe-tap, then swing leg back. Repeat with left leg. Protect ya neck: Keep your mug close to the ground and face opposite direction of foot. Focus on: Opening hips and hammies.

QUADRUPED ABDUCTIONS

Get on hands and knees, facing floor. Keeping knee bent, lift up one leg like you’re peeing on a hydrant, dog boy. Do 10 on each leg. Focus on: Opening up hips and lower back, marking your territory.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRIS PHILPOT

pro athletes. Static drills elongate muscles but don't prep them for the intense contracting that occurs in a workout or competition. “To get them ready—and to get the most out of your gym session—you need to get blood ﬂowing and work on range of motion. Still stretch, but only on off days.” Here’s Tebidor’s preworkout routine.

LONG ARM SWINGS

Stand with feet shoulder width apart and swing arms up and down in the air, like you just don’t care. Somebody say, "Ho, I feel stupid!" Focus on: Shoulders, neck, extending your spine.

FORWARD SKIPS

High knee skips with opposite arm swings. Go 25 yards. Turn; skip back to start. Be sure to yell, “Whee-e-e-e-e” while skipping. Focus on: Posture, extending your lower back. Do not focus on the giggling gym rats.

HIGH KNEE HUGS

Walk 25 yards, and with each step pause, lift leg, and grab knee, pulling into chest. Extend planted foot up (on toe), knee hugger. Focus on: Elongating your spine, working lower back, maintaining balance through posture.

ARM HUGS

Saddest back pats ever: Swing arms quickly in front, wrapping them around your back. Focus on: Opening up your chest, shoulders, and midback; loving yourself.

CARIOCAS

These are sideways, alternate-foot crossover runs. Do them for about 25 yards with arms extended. Then come back facing same direction. Do two sets. Focus on: Working your hip rotation; opening up your chest, shoulders, and upper back.

STRAIGHT LEG MARCH

March 25 yards. For each step, extend arm straight out and swing your same-side leg up, trying to touch toe. Keep arms and legs straight, cheater. Focus on: Your hammies, keeping spine straight, not looking like a Nazi.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 37

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

ASHLEY ANN HOMETOWN: Nashville, TN

HOMETOWN: Aventura, FL

HOMETOWN: Portsmouth, NH

HOMETOWN: Chicago, IL

What’s the worst/most awesome pickup line you’ve ever heard? One guy actually said to me, “If I was Peter Pan, you’d be my happy thought!”

You live in Florida. Ever seen an alligator? Of course! I used to beg my dad to let me go swimming in the Everglades. He was like, “Are you an idiot? Do you not see those alligators sunbathing?” But they don’t want a piece of me, trust me.

How do you feel about girl-on-girl action? Sometimes you just want to kiss your girlfriend! I remember on my birthday, my friend came up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t like we were trying to get attention!

What’s the weirdest experience of your life? My friend and I went to Coachella this year, but we booked our motel for the wrong dates! We ended up staying with the girl at the reception desk and her boyfriend, mother, brother, and three kids for $75 a night. But the music was great!

Did you ever have a run-in with the Chicago system of justice? I had to get a liquor license for a restaurant I was opening. I tried the ol’ Chicago cash-underthe-table trick, but it didn’t work. In the end I did it the old-fashioned legal way.

HOMETOWN: Houston, TX

38 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

LISA

KAITLYnN

DANIELLE

PHOTOGRAPH BY BRIE CHILDERS

maxim’s perfect 10

STYLING, GENA TUSO/ARTMIX BEAUTY; HAIR, YUJI KOJIMA USING PAUL MITCHELL/THE REX AGENCY, ASSISTED BY AMANDA FERGUSON; MAKEUP, ROXY USING KORRES/ARTMIX BEAUTY, ASSISTED BY TIFFANY SAXBY; SPECIAL THANKS TO RDB LOCATIONS AND THE SAN DIEGO FILM COMMISSION.

From the East Coast to the Left Coast, from the Dirty South to the Cleaner North (hey, we didn’t invite the comparison), thousands of lovely ladies entered this year’s Hometown Hotties competition. After months of heated battle, your votes have culled 10 of the sexiest specimens of American beauty. Meet the girls, then head to Maxim.com to vote for the winner!

MEREDITH

Kassandra

LINDSEY

MELANIE

Amanda

HOMETOWN: West Harwich, MA

HOMETOWN: Los Angeles, CA

HOMETOWN: Murrieta, CA

HOMETOWN: New York, NY

HOMETOWN: Louisville, KY

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? I worked at a Jet Ski store. I was the only girl there, and the guys would pick on me. They would throw me off the backs of the Jet Skis and, like, try to drown me. But in a nice, ﬂirty, middle-school way.

How was your ﬁrst Maxim shoot? It was amazing. Though I had sand in places you don’t even want to know. Or maybe you do. We even had some onlookers, these little boys. We said we’d take photos with them if they’d stop checking us out!

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done? I got to go on a ride-along with rally car driver Ken Block. It was so scary. He was just hauling ass and doing crazy donuts and turns. He had to replace his tires every four runs.

What’s the best date you’ve ever been on? This year a guy took me on a private plane from New York to Atlanta. Then we went to some strip club where a girl dropped these, like, 12-pound boobs in his lap. He was looking at me the whole time. It was cute.

Ever been arrested? No, but I did get a citation for jaywalking in Kentucky—it was ridiculous. I had to go to court, and the judge actually gave me community service! I had to wash windows in the middle of winter!

ALL SWIMWEAR BY AMERICAN APPAREL

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 39

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

maxim bourbon awards TIME TO GET DOWN WITH THE BROWN.

BEST FOR MIXING MAN DRINKS Maker’s 46 94 proof, $35 ≥When master distiller Kevin Smith told us he made a new Maker’s recipe, we worried; that’s a tough act to follow, Kevvy. But he crushed it. Like its forebear, 46 is still approachable and sweet. But thanks to seared French oak staves, it’s stiffer—ideal for Manhattans and old-fashioneds.

BEST FOR THE DESK DRAWER Pappy Van Winkles 90.4 Proof, $100 ≥ Peppery with a vanilla ﬁnish, Pappy V’s superb sip epitomizes the rule that the more hillbilly the name, the better the brown. Two decades of aging makes this corn mash the most unique on the market. Every taste is a journey to classy town.

STAFF FAVORITE Hudson Baby Bourbon 92 Proof, $40 ≥This micro outﬁt may have gone mega (recently bought by William Grant & Sons), but it still churns out the most approachable lipsmacking sauce on the shelf. With its clean caramelcorn and biscuitdough notes, BB swills easy, so go slow, gulp boy.

BEST NEWCOMER Angel’s Envy 86.6 Proof, $46 ≥This fall Lincoln Henderson, an inaugural member of the Kentucky Bourbon Hall of Fame who used to distill Woodford Reserve, went rogue and created his own micro batch. It lives up to the man’s legend. Big and smooth, with an almost oatmeal cookie taste, plus hints of pipe tobacco.

BEST SINGLE BARREL Blanton’s Original 93 Proof, $50 ≥Blanton’s was the ﬁrst single barrel. In 1984 Elmer T. Lee felt a few of his casks were too tasty to mix, so he just bottled ’em and, bang! a new niche was born. (Sadly, Elmer never trademarked “single barrel.” We expected more from a man named Elmer.) Taste: bold with toffee undertones.

BEST BARREL PROOF George T. Stagg 143 Proof, $70 ≥The alcohol content is so high it’s illegal to take this combustible concoction on a plane. Even more amazing, it’s still super-sippable, and it’s the stuff distillers tip when they get together to swap stories. This white-hot heat stings the lips but has deep maple, citrus, and clove ﬂavors.

BEST BOTTLE FOR DAD Willett Pot Still Reserve 94 Proof, $50 ≥Willett is the closest thing to pre-Prohibition bourbon. It packs a wallop, but the butter, cedar, and lime notes soften the blow. This sauce, in the signature stillshaped bottle, is the gift for the old man.

BEST BARGAIN Jim Beam Black 86 Proof, $20 ≥Just because the Beam folks figured out how to get you their tasty barrel-aged treats more costefficiently doesn’t mean they must be relegated to the world of well drinks. Black is top-shelf stuff. It sports Beam’s spiciness but swirls with heavy hints of brown sugar and leather. Perfect for the game-day flask.

ﬁve things you don’t know about bourbon. 42 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Bourbon is the ﬁrst American-born booze. Congress declared it America’s ofﬁcial distilled spirit in 1964.

It can be made anywhere in the U.S. but must be 51 percent corn and aged in charred oak. And no added ﬂavors. Sorry, Jack Daniel’s.

“Straight” means it was aged at least two years. Almost all whiskey is cut with H2O to lower the proof. Uncut bourbon is labeled “barrel proof.”

“Small batch” is a marketing ploy. Uncle Sam doesn’t regulate the term (yet), so the actual batch could ﬁll a Walmart and still be called small.

Distillers are artists. Each year they recreate the brand’s ﬂavor from hundreds of new, unique barrels. Drink up these masterpieces!

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPHBY BYTKTKTKTKTKTK STEVE COHEN

STYLING,XXXX MATTXXXX VOHR/HALLEY XXXX XX RESOURCES

Angel Wh ’s share distilleat whiskey : percen rs call th that tage of lique frometvaporates or h each ye barrel ear.

♥2010 Π&Γ

IF YOU THINK OLD SPICE ISN’T GREAT-SMELLING

OR THAT THIS IMAGE ISN’T AVAILABLE FOR

DOWNLOAD AT OLDSPICE.COM,

YOU ARE INSANE. “GREATEST SMELL IN THE NFL”

© 2010 NFL Properties LLC. Team names/logos/indicia are trademarks of the teams indicated. All other NFL-related trademarks are trademarks of the National Football League. NFL PLAYERS is a trademark of National Football League Players Incorporated.

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

GET READY—MAXIM IS COMING TO YOUR TOWN! WE’RE ON THE HUNT FOR THE COUNTRY’S TOP WATERING HOLES. WELCOME TO OUR NATIONWIDE BAR CRAWL! your one-night stand starts here

6:00 p.m. Happy Hour

building the perfect liquor cabinet

St. Regis Bar

Even if you’re not racking at the hotel, crash this stately wood-paneled bar for cocktails. It boasts the best Bloody in the South and its own in-house bourbon. If any models are in town, they’ll be giggling on the red leather couches.

bulldog gin

In 2003 a Wall Street banker standing in the rain one day said to hell with bonuses and started Bulldog.This quadrupledistilled upstart has more than earned its top-shelf status. Gin facts: (1) That evergreen smell is the main ingredient: juniper berries. (2) In the 1600s folks spiked gin with turpentine.

8:00 p.m. Sustenance Think upscale Southern comfort food. Drink: The Hot Brown (mint julep with ginger, mint, and soda). Eat: Cornmeal Crisped Catﬁsh (with stewed okra and tomatoes, mustard greens, scallion remoulade). Sides: Grits, butterbean succotash. 10:00 p.m. Booze Session

BOOZE NEWS

South City Kitchen

MISSISSIPPI IS THE ONLY STATE AL WHERE IT’S LEGAL R TO DRINK A BEER IF WHILE DRIVING (IF H YOU STAY SOUTH OF .08 BAC).

The BookHouse Pub

This is one of Atlanta’s best gastropubs, but the food isn’t the draw here—it’s the dizzying craft-brew menu. Also dizzying: the beer-loving creative-class cuties and tatted hipster honeys who pack this place nightly. Bonus: Outdoor patio. Nearby: The owners of BookHouse also run the Drunken Unicorn across the parking lot, one of the nation’s best ear-bleeding underground music clubs. 2:00 a.m. Nightcap(s) The Highlander

Butternuts Beer & Ale’s Heinnieweisse WeissebIer Extend your summer into the coming snow season with this June-in-a-can wheat beer made by the geniuses behind Pork Slap pale ale. Sweet and grassy, this green bullet is the cleanest concoction we’ve gulped. Slug it and instantly drown your fall-winter blues.

Bar Trick File No. 27

44 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Materials needed • 4 quarters • 1 dollar bill • 1 beer bottle. The setup: Place the dollar bill on the mouth of the empty beer bottle and stack the four quarters in the middle.

Hair of the Big Dog • 3 oz. gin • ¾ oz. fresh lemon juice • Healthy dashes of Tabasco • 1 slice chili pepper ≥ Wake up. Shake gin, juice, Tabasco, and ice. Strain into rocks glass neat. Garnish with chili pepper. Swallow your regrets.

3:00 a.m. Late-Night Gut bomb Gladys Knight and Ron Winans’ Chicken & Wafﬂes

Yep, that Gladys Knight. (Ron was a gospel singer.) Once you get over the R&B kitsch, order the Midnight Train: four Southern-fried jumbo chicken wings and one original wafﬂe. Wash down with the house sweet tea.

1. Bet your friends that they can’t remove the dollar bill with only one ﬁnger while keeping the quarters from falling off the bottle. 2. When you have sufﬁciently enjoyed their failure, step in and show ’em how it’s done.

530 MILLION >

NUMBER OF RED AND BLUE SOLO KEGGER CUPS SOLD IN THE U.S. IN ’09.*

3. Lick the side of your index ﬁnger for some extra friction. 4. Swipe quickly down the end of the bill. With the help of your sticky slobber, the quarters will remain unmoved as the bill snaps out with ease. Collect winnings. ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRIS PHILPOT

*BASED ON NIELSEN DATA, ACROSS ALL RETAIL OUTLETS.

what’s in the maxim beer fridge

Scuzzy, awesome dive bar in a friggin’ strip mall. Go for the cheap booze and canned beer. Stay because it’s open till three and has a giant air hockey table.

welcome to the major leagues of hangover curin’.

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YOUR ULTIMATE ENTERTAINMENT AUTHORITY

rock royalty

NASHVILLE’S KINGS OF LEON ARE BACK TO RECLAIM THE ROCK’N’ROLL THRONE.

Family guys (from left): Matthew, Jared, Caleb, and Nathan Followill.

Thanks to 2008’s smash Only by the Night, Kings of Leon became one of the world’s biggest bands. But superstardom hasn’t made them immune to pigeon crap, as a recent incident in St. Louis proved. Jared Followill, the band’s bassist, wiped away the poop and told us about their latest album, Come Around Sundown. Will you be disappointed if this album isn’t a huge success? I know we shouldn’t be, but truthfully, yeah. We feel like we made a better record, but it probably won’t be as big. If it’s not a huge commercial success, it’ll probably

PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY MARK WEAVER

gain back the critics who thought the last one wasn’t as good. It’s win-win. The last thing we wanted was to make a bad record. Then we’d all have to punch ourselves in the faces. How is being an arena band? Shows are more fun in a club, but everything else is much better. The riders, the backstage area… The feel is cleaner and nicer. You don’t feel like you have the ﬂu all the time. What can you have now that you couldn’t have before? Tons of stuff. We travel with a

Ping-Pong table. TVs everywhere. Right now we’ve got pay-per-view of the Oklahoma game. Anything we ask for gets done in about an hour. We’re super spoiled. You’re only 23 and joined the band when you were 15. Do you feel like you lost a childhood? It has to feel normal to me because it’s me, but I know it’s not normal at all. I dropped out of school and at 16 was touring Europe with the Strokes and Interpol, doing drugs and getting drunk. It was a weird time, but it was perfect. It scares me to say, but if I died now I couldn’t complain.

Have you bought anything nuts? We’re not crazy. I got a Nissan GT-R supercar that’s fun to drive. And I got a big-ass house in Nashville that’s fun to hang in. I kind of feel like the little boy in Blank Check. Tell us about being crapped on and stopping in the middle of a show. There were pigeons in the rafters in St. Louis. I was told if crap got in my eye, it could blind me. On the third song, management pulled us. It was lose-lose; we were a laughingstock either way. We’d be singing “Use Somebody,” and I’d be covered in pigeon shit. That’s not badass rock’n’roll. That’s just humiliating.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 47

RATED TV/FILM

UNDEAD ARE TAKING OVER ON THE WALKING DEAD.

On Halloween Shawshank director Frank Darabont’s frightfest about humans in a zombie apocalypse hits AMC. Here he tells us why to watch.

P RU S WE PO ESDAY ! TU N ABC O

Scared Chiklis

NO ORDINARY FAMILY’S MICHAEL CHIKLIS ON HIS EMBARRASSING EARLY ROLES AND MAINTAINING HIS ROCK-HARD ASS. Everybody’s been comparing this show to Heroes and The Incredibles, which must be annoying. Do you want to ﬁnally put those comparisons to rest? Yeah, it’s an unfair comparison. There have been 475,000 cop shows, yet they’ll make 10 new ones a year without even batting an eye. As far as superhero shows are concerned, I don’t even think we’ve gotten to a dozen yet in TV history. No Ordinary Family is its own thing.

everyman, so it’s not appropriate for him to be Herculean. Just to survive this thing, I’m gonna need to stay ﬁt and in shape, but I want to keep it accessible. At its core this is a family show more than anything else.

Your character has super strength. Do you spend crazy hours in the gym? Well, he’s a middle-aged

Did you have any bad gigs early on in your career? There are deﬁnite credits on my résumé I wish weren’t there, and

Film Checkup

SIFTING THROUGH THE CINEMATIC HEAP.

Of course. Let me think. I was in a movie called Soldier. Oy. Not OK. And the Miami Vice TV show? If I remember correctly, I played an art thief. It was one of my ﬁrst roles ever—a long time ago. I had to dress up in drag. Wait—I had to dress up like a Haitian woman to try to escape and get across the border, to get on a ship.

…But That Doesn’t Mean the Horror Is Lost. “I always say: If you’re making a western, you need cowboy hats and six-shooters. We’re making a zombie show, so we need to have ripping of ﬂesh and zombie attacks. You can’t not deliver that.”—Matt Barone

Did you get away? No! Crockett busted me. —Alison Prato

Unstoppable

Who wouldn’t want to watch a movie where Captain Kirk and Malcolm X try to save the world… especially when action superdirector Tony Scott is at the helm?

When a train with toxic liquids threatens to wipe out a city, an engineer (Denzel Washington) and a conductor (Chris Pine) try to prevent disaster.

Saw 3D

The ﬁnal chapter in one of the most grisly and gory horror franchises of all time promises to be the grisliest and goriest of all, thanks to a pair of dorky wannabe Ray-Bans.

As a deadly battle rages over Jigsaw’s legacy, a group of his survivors join a man who just may be responsible for a new wave of terror.

Hereafter

Like a ﬁne wine (or Helen Mirren), Eastwood gets better with age. With actors who can do more than just scream, this thriller will be a refuge from the typical Halloween fare.

Clint Eastwood’s latest tells the unsettling story of three strangers who’ve all come close to death and whose lives mysteriously intersect. Spooky!

Danny Boyle’s 127 Hours recounts the true

The Story Transcends the Horror… “Robert Kirkman, who created the comic book series, developed so many compelling characters. I hope people get invested in them and our story. TV brings so much room to develop the series beyond basic horror.”

W DE E S AD EE PE OP LE DE AT H MA CH IN S ES SU UR PP VIV OR OR T GR OU A MO NO P N VI 3 E!? D O PR SC ES AR EN W T INN ER SE MU LF TIL -IN AT FL IO ICT N ED PR ES OU EN R T TA KE

Your (male) costar Romany Malco said your butt is hard as a rock. What’s up with that? Romany has a tendency to pinch me down there once in a while. It’s an odd thing.

of course, you’re gonna make me mention them, aren’t you?

The Walking Dead Is No Laughing Matter. “This isn’t a comedy. I loved Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland, but we’re tapping into the scariest aspects of having corpses brought back to life and feeding on ﬂesh, how living in that world can tear people apart emotionally.”

Kristen Stewart takes out her fangs to

Get over your fear of carnies with Circus,

of Aron Ralston (James Franco), the a teenage prostitute who forms a unblinking look at what it takes to CLOWN PBS’s CATCH story LAUGH play who got his arm stuck under a boulder strange relationship with James Gandolﬁni run the world’s best traveling show, the THIS! THIS dude OUT mountain-climbing and had to chop it in Welcome to the Rileys. Big Apple Circus. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, FLICK while LOUD OUD off with a dull knife. Give him a hand! Bada-awkward! you’ll get a jones for cotton candy! 48 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

RATED MOST WANTED

Elyse levesque

Syfy’s sexiest star is back on Stargate Universe. As Chloe Armstrong on SGU, model turned actress Elyse Levesque mixes sexy and smarts as she fights in an epic battle for survival. Now the Canadian-born beauty is back for the second season, giving geeks across the galaxy something to smile about. Here’s why we love her. She’ll fall for you! I was shooting an ad in Taiwan, and they wanted me up in the air in a harness. The tiny Asian man who was supposed to pull the rope couldn’t support my weight, and I came crashing down. I was in tears, and the crew just stared at me until the one person who spoke English said, “Model no cry.” She wants to be asked out! In Vancouver there’s a ratio of seven girls to one guy, so it’s super tough to meet men. The three years that I’ve lived here, I can’t think of one time I was asked out! In the States men flirt, and it’s refreshing. I’m like, “I still have it going on!” She likes dorks! Sci-fi knowledge is definitely not a deal breaker. If a guy is interested in it, he’s probably super smart, and that’s attractive. I always used to fall for the dark, brooding, bad-boy type, but that’s gradually changing.

Stargate Universe airs Tuesdays at 9 P.M. on Syfy.

50 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

PHOTOGRAPH BY ANTOINE VERGLAS

NEW ORBIT

™

FRUITABULOUS!

Find us at facebook.com/orbitgum Artificially fruit flavored.

RATED DVD/MUSIC

THE TIMETRAVELING CAR

AS BACK TO THE FUTURE HITS 25 YEARS, DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS GIVES US 1.21 GIGAWATTS OF INSIDE INFO.

“We picked a DeLorean because we wanted the folks in 1955 to think it was from space. We spent lots of time thinking of numerology that felt poetic. Like, 1.21 gigawatts rolls off your tongue better than 785.53. Same with 88 miles per hour. Rather than sounding like a bunch of tech talk, they’re numbers the audience remembered.”

THE OVERWORKED STAR “Michael J. Fox was shooting Family Ties during the day, so we shot the entire movie at night except for on weekends. When people look at ﬁlms that

THE OTHER MARTY “Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty. Why did I recast the part? I realized that as great an actor as Eric is, his comedy sensibilities weren’t the same as mine. It was a very painful thing, and I felt horrible about it. The fault was totally mine as a novice director. There are a couple of clips of his scenes on the DVD. This edition has it all.”

THE SEXY MOM

NEV BEF ER O SEE RE N!

“Lea Thompson playing Lorraine as this sex

are wildly entertaining to watch, the comment you get is, ‘That must have been really fun to make!’ Back to the Future really wasn’t fun to make at all, and it was a good thing Michael was young and energetic. He’s not singing, but that’s him playing guitar.”

kitten made her scenes so hot. She went for it. I found it fascinating that the line, ‘Are you telling me that my mother’s got the hots for me?’ was in every TV spot and ad. The marketing department must have known that concept would touch the world.”

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary Edition hits shelves October 26.

TALES FROM THE STUDIO

THE STRAIGHT DOPE ON THE MONTH’S HOTTEST ALBUMS. Where the magic happened: “Nashville. Almost always Nashville. If I was in L.A., I wouldn’t even know where to ﬁnd a harmonica player. I’m sure they’ve got plenty, but in Nashville if you need one you can just make a phone call.”

TOBY KEITH BULLETS IN THE GUN The country outlaw spills a round or two on his 14th album.

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52 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

The key to writing lyrics: “I get inspiration from bumper stickers, T-shirts, or people saying things backward—a mistake is a song. We were on motorcycles one day, and we

KYLESA “TIRED CLIMB” Southern-fried metal from your new fave band.

passed a trailer park. One of my buddies said we should get back on the interstate. I was going to say we should go toward the neighborhood or the trailer park, but I said ‘trailerhood’ accidentally. As soon as I said it, I knew I had to write a song called ‘Trailerhood.’” Sounds like a cross between: “Willie Nelson, Marshall Tucker Band, Charlie Daniels. I don’t even know any contemporary country songs.”

TAYLOR SWIFT “MINE” We won’t tell anyone how much you love it. Promise.

WEEZER HURLEY The nerd-rock giants’ frontman, Rivers Cuomo, reaches back for their eighth album.

YOUNG JEEZY FEAT. LIL JON “JIZZLE” Silly title, so focus on the crunk.

Digging in the crates: “We wanted to do something more for our core audience—unpolished, emotional rock. I was able to go back because I have all my old unproduced ideas on my computer now, ripped to iTunes. For ‘Run Away’ we pulled an idea from 1998.” Secret weapon: “Michael Cera and I played in a celebrity soccer match together. A few months later I saw him on

PETE YORN “PRECIOUS STONE” Frank Black produces the rocker.

SUFJAN STEVENS “I WALKED” Symphonic pop geek drops the orchestra.

Letterman talking about doing silent meditation at the same place I go to. We met up for lunch on a day we happened to be recording, so he came in on ‘Hang On.’ He’s a pretty serious guitar player.” Our obsession during recording: “The band Sleigh Bells. We were blown away by the way their stuff sounded. We’ve been e-mailing with them but haven’t had a chance to get in the studio yet.”

CEE LO GREEN “FUCK YOU!” Gnarls frontman’s kiss-off single. Everybody sing!

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THE WORLD’S SEXIEST WOMEN (OFTEN NOT WEARING PANTS!)

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Todd poses with the world’s creepiest doll collection.

RATED Q&A

TODD PHILLIPS

THE DEMENTED DIRECTOR OF ROAD TRIP, OLD SCHOOL, AND THE HANGOVER IS BACK WITH THE DARKLY HILARIOUS ROAD FLICK DUE DATE.

Your ﬁrst feature was Road Trip, and your latest movie is Due Date, about two guys traveling crosscountry. Are you a big fan of road movies? Here’s the thing: The plots of my movies sound generic, but we try to do a spin on them. When I do a movie, it’s more about who has chemistry. Or antichemistry, in this case. How did you decide to pair Robert Downey Jr. with Zach Galiﬁanakis? Zach is the funniest person I’ve ever met. He just sits down to eat lunch with you and you start laughing. And Downey’s one of the greatest actors alive, so even though I thought it was a bit of a long shot, I sent him the script. Most people didn’t know about Zach until The Hangover, even though he’s been doing comedy for a long time. He actually read for Road Trip more than 10 years ago, for Tom Green’s character, Barry. That would’ve been interesting. He has so much talent, but I always thought he wasn’t quite

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used properly in movies. Then the role of Alan came up in The Hangover, and I realized Zach could crush it. I’d be happy to bring Zach into every movie I do forever, but you have to let him soar with other directors. It’s like seeing your ex go out with other guys. There’s death, violence, and a masturbating dog in this movie. Will fans of “Todd Phillips movies” be thrown by how dark Due Date gets? It does get a little dark, but we still have that masturbating dog. I think there’s nothing more pure than masturbating. In Road Trip you have a cameo as the guy who wanted to suck on Amy Smart’s toes. In Old School you show up for an orgy. In The Hangover you’re caught going down on a girl in an elevator. You really give yourself classy roles. I only work in R-rated movies directed by Todd Phillips. Actually, Juliette Lewis is the same character in Due Date as she was in Old School, and I’m playing that guy who showed up to

Prep for the fourth season of The Venture Bros.’ animated-action comedy with the ﬁrst eight episodes on DVD. It’s Adult Swim’s best and least weird show!

54 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

The King of the R-rating!

the gangbang again. In my mind they’re the same couple, but in the legal departments at DreamWorks and Warner Bros., they’re not. What’s up with Hangover 2? I know sequels are perceived as a money grab, but we’re doing it because we want to make a movie that’s funnier and better than the ﬁrst one. I’m treating it like the fucking Godfather II. A good portion of the movie takes place in Bangkok. I thought of Bangkok because what word means something the way “Vegas” means something?

Vegas means bad behavior and bad decisions, and Bangkok, to me, is a shadier and scarier version of that. It’s going to get dark, and somebody’s coming back in a body bag…I just don’t know who it is yet. It’s probably going to be me. Will Mike Tyson be involved? Mike texts me all the time. He’s the greatest guy on the planet. I know he’s had transgressions, but he’s a different man these days. He’s become a really close friend, and it’s hard to say no to Mike. Let me put it that way.

REQUIRED VIEWING NINE MUST-MEMORIZE R-RATED CLASSICS.

’70s

Animal House, Blazing Saddles, Slap Shot

joins the cast of Blue SET Denise Richards State, Spike TV’s comedy series YOUR Mountainababout the fundamentals of college: be beer, sex, and football. Season TIVO tw two kicks off October 20.

’80s

Police Academy, Bachelor Party, Caddyshack

BACK IN RED

’90s

Clerks, American Pie, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Conan O’Brien returns to the late-night game on TBS’s creatively titled Conan. Here’s hoping the Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot 5000, and Triumph will be back on board, too.

Every Toyota has a story. The 2010 Corolla – a 2010 Top Safety Pick from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety.* Share your story at facebook.com/toyota Thanks for your story, Susie!

*Insurance Institute for Highway Safety 2010 rating for Corolla, vehicle class Small Cars. Ratings are only meaningful when comparing vehicles in the same class. 2010 model year tested. For more details on 2010 Top Safety Pick Awards, see www.iihs.org ©2010 Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A., Inc.

FILL YOUR INNER EMPTINESS WITH MATERIAL GOODS

Video Game Blowout! Face the facts The Kinect’s identity program creates a proﬁle based on your mug. Just look at the sensor and you’re logged in. Creepy!

x factor

THE XBOX 360 KINECT IS A MOTION CONTROL GAME CHANGER.

The Wii has its WiiMote, and the PS3 has its ice cream cone joysticks. The motion controllers of this generation are just that: controllers. (Dramatic pause.) Until now. Microsoft’s Kinect ($149) may be the last to join in the motion control gangbang, but it’s seriously hung with some impressive controller-less credentials, like live streaming video chat, biometric facial mapping, and full-body movement and voice recognition. Which makes it less of a fun-for-a-while gimmick (cough, Wii, cough) and more of a revolution in how we interact with our consoles. So how do these fancy-sounding features make hands-free gaming on the 360 a reality and not a hyped-up mess? Consult our breakdown (right) and ﬁnd out! And consult a physician about that erection. Dude, it’s been more than four hours.

ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS PHILPOT

Stress Tests Building on 10 years of Microsoft R&D, engineers trained the motion controls with 20 million clips of every conceivable human gesture, including “sexy hop-bounce.”

1. A 3D IR projector ﬁres out infrared beams that paint a depth map, essentially locating the distance of every object in front of it. Yes, your dinner table is 10 feet away! Amazing!

2. This lens is the receiver, taking in the raw data painted by the IR projector. The Xbox 360’s software uses this information to create a map and determine your body’s motion.

3. Just for fun, it also has a traditional camera that allows you to video-chat with other Kinect users on Xbox Live. Hands-free video sex chat, anyone?

4. Microsoft recorded thousands of hours of speech from across the U.S., ensuring that the four-mike system understands dozens of accents, even annoying ones (that’s you, Boston).

CONTINUED ON PAGE 60

Every Toyota has a story. And with 90% of all Toyota Camrys sold in the last 15 years still on the road,* we want to hear yours. Share your story at facebook.com/toyota Thanks for your story, Melanie!

STUFF VIDEO GAMES

Video Game Blowout!

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fallout: new vegas PS3, Windows, Xbox360

Special sauce: Original developers! After taking over the defunct franchise in ’08 with its own massively successful entry in the RPG series (Fallout 3), Bethesda smartly hired former staffers from Black Isle—the studio behind Fallout I and 2—to help on their sequel, New Vegas. Those developers bring old-school authenticity to an already awesome edition. As senior designer Chris Avellone, formerly of Black Isle, says, “There’s even stuff from the pen-and-paper role-playing game.” You just overdosed on dork juice, didn’t you?

HERE’S WHAT MAKES THREE SEQUELS TO OUR FAVORITE FRANCHISES SUPER SPECIAL.

AT LONG LAST

FOUR MORE FOLLOW-UPS WE’VE WAITED FOR WITH SWEATY-PALMED ANTICIPATION.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow PS3, Xbox 360 The Dracula-baiting Belmont clan makes a comeback. Playing as Gabriel, gamers wield the classic whip in a mashup of God of War–style action and timeless ’Vania platforming.

call of duty: black ops PS3, Xbox 360, Wii

Special sauce: Gambling! How did the developers at Treyarch improve the most popular ﬁrst-person shooter in the world’s multiplayer mode? Betting! In four wager match types, players can choose to ante up penny stakes or tens of thousands of units of in-game currency, which is used to purchase upgrades. “Some people would call the sheer number of game modes alone ludicrous,” says game design director David Vonderhaar. “And they’d probably be right.” Why he had to get a rapper involved beats us, but the game’s good!

medal of honor PS3, Windows, Xbox360

Special sauce: Realism! MoH’s designers worked so hard to create a realistic and respectable Special Forces experience in their ﬁrst-person shooter, they enlisted real Tier 1 operators as consultants. Guys who, according to one, “Are dedicated to the art of war like an Olympian is dedicated to gold.” As to how it gets real, the still-active soldier says, “The sequence where a ranger calls home, making everything sound boring while getting ready to go into the ﬁght of his life…when my wife saw that, she said, ‘Oh, my God, I’ve had that call.’”

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Gran Turismo 5 PS3 After ﬁve long years, Gran Turismo returns with 70 tracks in 20 countries and, for the ﬁrst time, vehicle damage! Realistically crashing Lambos and the more than 100 other cars will never get old.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2 PS3, Xbox 360 As Starkiller you use dual lightsabers and new Force powers, like Jedi mind trick, to ﬁght stormtrooper hordes in a galaxy far, far away. This is the game you’re looking for.

Fable III Xbox 360 The RPG is back with an improved co-op mode that allows players to adventure together in Victorian-age Albion, open business ventures, and even marry. Fight to see who wears the pantaloons in the family!

STUFF VIDEO GAMES Video Game Blowout!

under control UP YOUR SCORES AND FRAG THEIR FACES OFF WITH THESE PROPER GAMING PERIPHERALS.

ENJOY STICK

Maneuvering a jet responsibly at 600 knots takes your entire hand, not just a thumb. So set aside your stock Xbox 360 or PS3 controller and upgrade to this bad boy. Cyborg F.L.Y. 9 Flight Stick is wireless and features a lap mount. It’s the best wingman since Captain Morgan. $100, cyborggaming.com

BATTLE AX

Shredding on Guitar Hero is a lot like dryhumping: feels rad, lacks reality. The 360/ PS3 game Power Gig: Rise of the SixString not only requires you to strum actual chords, but its “controller” is a 100 percent legit guitar that you can plug into any amp and wail on. All you need now is a drummer who sleeps on your ﬂoor (with your girlfriend). $180, powergig.com

SPEED RACER

Like a $282,000 Scuderia, the Ferrari Wireless GT Cockpit (for PS3/PC) sports a ﬁve-position Manettino dial and metal shift paddles. Its magnetic resistance brake pedal adds to the realism. Not included: Ferrari maintenance bills—and girls riding shotgun. $250, red-collection.thrustmaster.com

COMMUNICATION SHAKEDOWN

ARCADE SPITFIRE

Being old-school doesn’t mean you can’t spice things up on your PS3. Modeled after the Super Street Fighter IV arcade cabinet, Hori’s Real Arcade Pro Premium VLX is guaranteed to deliver beaucoup one-ups. Its nine customizable buttons can be set to three turbo speeds. No quarters required. $300, hori.jp/us 62 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Houston, we have an ass clown?! No problem. The best part of Tritton’s AX 180 wireless headset isn’t the stereo sound or hassle-free pairing with Xbox 360, PS3, and PCs; it’s the portable control unit, a remote that lets you quickly adjust audio levels on the ﬂy. If some n00b you wasted in Halo won’t stop bitching, just crank up the soundtrack. $150, tritton technologies.com ILLUSTRATIONS BY PETER OUMANSKI

Epic screen. Epic 4G speeds. Epic theater in the palm of your hand. With a brilliant Super AMOLED screen and lightning-fast downloading, the Samsung Epic™ 4G is made for movies. Download titles from the Media Hub and watch them on the go at 4G speeds. It can even transform into a mobile hotspot for up to ﬁve Wi-Fi devices. Another amazing ﬁrst from Sprint, the Now Network.™ Get the phone. See Epic Mini Movies. sprint.com/epic 1-800-SPRINT-1 (1-800-777-4681)

May require up to a $36 activation fee/line, credit approval and deposit. Up to a $200 early termination fee/line applies. While supplies last. HD Video: Records and plays back at 720p at 30fps. Sprint Mobile Hotspot: Optional $29.99 add-on for sharing access to Wi-Fi. No discounts apply. Uses data allowance within your base service plan. Connectivity dependent upon compatibility. Other Terms: Coverage is not available everywhere. The Nationwide Sprint Network reaches over 275 million people. The Sprint 4G Network reaches over 50 markets and counting, on select devices. The Sprint 3G Network reaches over 266 million people. See sprint.com for details. Not all services are available on 4G, and coverage may default to 3G/separate network where 4G is unavailable. Offers not available in all markets/retail locations or for all phones/networks. Pricing, offer terms, fees and features may vary for existing customers not eligible for upgrade. Other restrictions apply. See store or sprint.com for details. ©2010 Sprint. Sprint and the logo are trademarks of Sprint. Android, Google, the Google logo and Google Search are trademarks of Google Inc. Other marks are the property of their respective owners.

STUFF LUST OBJECTS ET GADGH E O F T TH MON

PROJECT YOURSELF

The lamest thing about “home movies” isn’t persuading your girlfriend to participate—it’s getting her to watch them with you. Forget sitting side by side at the computer: Nikon’s Coolpix S1100pj 14.1-megapixel digital point-and-shoot cam also projects your HD videos in 720p to a screen size of 47 inches on your bedroom wall. Just make sure the blinds are closed. $350, nikonusa.com

Objets d’Awesome BUY, BEG, BORROW, OR STEAL THESE GREAT NEW GADGETS, OR WE’LL FIGHT YOU.

HYPER TYPER

DVRs are supposed to save time, not suck it. Which is why this Slide remote is the best thing to happen to TiVo since Real Housewives, er… Instead of taking 10 minutes to pound out title searches with one thumb, the slideout QWERTY keyboard puts both digits to work. And since it’s backlit, you won’t even spoil the candlelight. $90, tivo.com

DIALED IN

There’s a reason this self-adjusting multiband atomic timepiece looks hotter than a stolen Bugatti: The Ediface EQWM1100DC is modeled after the carbonﬁber cockpit of a racecar. But unlike a road rocket, this murdered-out model (check that black stainless-steel band) runs on a solar-powered battery. Other pluses: It won’t quit at 100 meters below sea level, and it self-adjusts to atomic time. $500, casio.com

THAT’S A KNIFE

Screw survival of the fittest. We’ll take all the help we can get. Beyond a stainless-steel 4.8-inch serrated blade, Gerber’s Bear Grylls Ultimate Knife packs a ferrocerium fire starter, a sharpener, a whistle, and even a Man vs. Wild– approved survival guide stuffed into the sheath… in case you forget how to build a fire, or drink your own pee. $59, gerbergear.com

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TRUE PLAYER

Like many a newborn baby, the MCR-140 bookshelf stereo weighs just 7.9 pounds. But unlike an infant, this Yamaha will not soil itself and can reproduce the smooth sounds of Sade with precision, thanks to a digital ampliﬁer that outputs 30 watts total. It’s also available in 10 colors, and the wireless transmitter (included) can crank an uncompressed linear PCM audio stream wirelessly from your iPod across the room. $400, yamaha.com ILLUSTRATIONS BY PETER OUMANSKI

A D VE RT I S E M E N T

Maxim’s Hometown Hotties Need You! Your votes (just 0 cents a day!) will help nurture and clothe the nation’s sexiest girls in red-hot lingerie and barely-legal bikinis. Won’t you take a minute of your day to log onto Maxim.com/Hotties to meet the Top 10 ﬁnalists and cast your vote for your favorite Hottie? Let them know that you care. And if your boss asks you why you’re looking at Maxim.com at work, tell him you’re doing God’s work.

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STUFF WOMAN WITH A TOOL #4 IN A SERIES

Lumber Jacked This chain saw is sharper than your average wood eater. By the way, that tree just looked at you funny!

STYLING, DON SUMADA/B-A REPS; HAIR, DAMIAN MONZILLO USING EVOLUTION DRYER BY T3/KATE RYAN INC; MAKEUP, JORDAN LONG USING BENEFIT/EXCLUSIVE ARTISTS. H&M SHIRT, IN BLOOM BRA, SIWY SHORTS. CASTING, WULF CASTING.

You may not share our dream of winning the Hot Saw competition at the Lumberjack World Championships and spending the next five years fighting off jeanshorts-wearing groupies (some of them female!). But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a top-notch chain saw like the Stihl MS 280. At less than 12 pounds, it’s light enough to tote around the yard, yet its 2.7-kilowatt engine gives the chain plenty of bite. And thanks to a handy microprocessor, it constantly adjusts the fuel-air mixture for optimum efficiency in all conditions. That means you can pull the cord and clear-cut your neighbor’s intruding branches with reckless abandon. Can’t you smell the glory now? (Hint: It smells like gasoline.) $500, stihlusa.com

WARNING: Professional model on a closed set. Do not attempt chain-saw use with open-toed footwear at home. 66 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

PHOTOGRAPH BY TOM CORBETT

STUFF CELEB RIDE

Heavy Metal When Mötley Crüe

drummer Tommy Lee isn’t driving hard beats, he’s got his hands on a chopper. THAT’S A LONGASS MOTORCYCLE. IF PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, THEY MIGHT THINK YOU WERE COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING. Ha-ha. Yeah, the bike is a little more than 12 feet long, and it’s got the longest front end I’ve ever seen. It’s out there. It’s nearly impossible to make a U-turn. WHAT’S THE STORY BEHIND IT? I had it custom-made about four years ago. I wanted a sort of road-warrior bike. It’s all matte black—no fancy graphics, just a dirty-ass, barhopping rat bike. It looks like death, but I love cruising on it. There’s no radio. Just you and the road.

HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN MOTORCYCLES? Yes. I got my ﬁrst Harley in ‘82 and stared at it all day. There’s just something about bikes: You have your girl on the back, and she’s digging the vibrations and holding on for dear life. There’s nothing better. Methods of Mayhem’s A Public Disservice Announcement is available on iTunes. 68 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

PHOTOGRAPH BY JIM WRIGHT

PHOTOGRAPHED ON LOCATION AT WRIGHT RANCH IN MALIBU, CALIFORNIA.

NO RADIO MUST BE TOUGH GIVEN ALL THE SUBMISSIONS YOU HAD TO LISTEN TO FOR YOUR NEW METHODS OF MAYHEM ALBUM. For months I’d get up at 9 A.M. and listen to demos until 2 or 3 A.M. We put the raw tracks up online and had fans remix different parts. We had about 10,000 submissions. I wanted to make a record with the whole world. It was a cool, cool experience.

College Football Rivalries—Settled! THINK THE NCAA’S CLASSIC RIVALRIES ARE DEAD? THINK AGAIN. WHEN THESE SCHOOLS GO TO WAR, THERE’S MUCH MORE AT PLAY THAN GRIDIRON SKILL. HERE WE DECLARE EACH BATTLE’S WINNER BASED ON HISTORY, HOT CHICKS, AND WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE WE WANT.

ILLUSTRATION BY SEAN MCCABE

STANFORD AT CAL

November 20 // Series record: 55-46-11, Stanford “The Big Game” kicked off in 1892, with future prez Herbert Hoover acting as Stanford’s manager. His Cardinal beat Cal’s Golden Bears 14-10.

SCHOOL MOTTO Cal: “Let there be light.” For their bongs, they mean, right? Stanford: “The wind of freedom blows”…for privileged white kids. Edge: Cal

COMMUNITY WITH MORE TO LOSE Cal: San Franciscans are so busy eating locally grown soybeans while driving Priuses to their next anti-cat-declawing rally, they probably won’t even notice if Cal loses.

Stanford: Let’s see, Silicon Valley went bust in the late ’90s, as did former student Tiger Woods a decade later. Football and good weather may be all they’ve got left. Edge: Cal

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sports STANFORD AT CAL (cont.) Fan Talents Cal: Ingenuity. Berkeley students are credited with inventing the “card stunt,” whereby fans coordinate to create words or images by holding up giant cards at games. You’re welcome, Yalies (see right). Stanford: Intellectual snobbery. Quoth one recent alum (who refuses to be named because his boss graduated from Berkeley): “Generally speaking, they have the bigger grudge, because if any of them had gotten into Stanford, they wouldn’t have gone to Cal.” Holy No-Cal smackdown! Edge: Stanford

Stadium Scare Factor Cal: Memorial Stadium rests directly on top of the Hayward Fault, which makes it an “appreciable life hazard,” according to a recent seismic safety study. Stanford: The band’s scathing halftime shows have crushed more visitors than the Cardinal’s D, with formations like the Hearst Burger, named after Cal student Patty Hearst’s kidnapping in 1974: It took ok the shape of two buns and no patty. Edge: Stanford

YALE AT HARVARD Lamest ForCredit Class Cal: Children’s Literature. If you get high and read James and the Giant Peach backward, universal truths are revealed, brah. Stanford: Introduction to Guzheng. Students learn how to play the guzheng, a 21-string traditional Chinese instrument. Course “may be repeated for credit a total of 14 times.” At which point you’d better be the fucking Jimi Hendrix of China. Edge: Cal

WINNER: cal

TEXAS A&M AT TEXAS

November 20 // Series record: 65-53-8, Yale Sure,“the Game” has no football relevance, but the fact that it brings together this many eggheads at one time each year has to count for something, right? Prank Wars Yale: In 2004 students dressed as the Harvard pep squad passed out cards to Crimson fans that, raised, read: WE SUCK. Harvard: In 1933 members of Harvard’s Lampoon humor mag kidnapped Yale’s mascot bulldog. Edge: Yale Powerful Dropouts Yale: Dick Cheney. Will shoot up your face. Harvard: Mark Zuckerberg. Can erase you from the social universe. Edge: Harvard

Legitimate Connection to the Game of Football Yale: Late-19th century alum and coach Walter Camp is credited with introducing many features of the modern game, including the system of downs. Harvard: Built the ﬁrst-ever concrete stadium in 1903. Three years later a proposal to widen the ﬁeld was shot down because the stadium could not be easily renovated…leading to the adoption of the forward pass. Edge: Harvard

Sexiest Theater Geek Yale: Meryl Streep Harvard: Natalie Portman Edge: Yale (What—have you not seen It’s Complicated? ) Proposed Uniform Additions Yale: Ascot Harvard: Cravat Edge: Draw

WINNER: who cares?

AUBURN AT ALABAMA

November 25 // Series record: 75-36-5, Texas When these local rivals meet, it’s like a steaming pot of chili did a shot of tequila and then vomited itself all over a 10-gallon hat. Yee-haw!

November 26 // Series record: 40-33-1, Alabama This intrastate rivalry, which kicked off in 1893 and was later dubbed the Iron Bowl, is the most bitter in all of college football. Period.

Stadium Scare Factor A&M: Fans at Kyle Field stand for the entire game—even when they’re drunk! Texas: Darrell K. Royal is the largest stadium by seating capacity in the Lone Star State. Suck on that, Jerry Jones. Edge: A&M

Bitchiest Dispute Auburn: In 1906 the Tigers’ coach threatened to cancel the series if ’Bama continued to use elaborate structures and shifts. Um... Alabama: A year later Auburn asked to up player per diems for both teams to $3.50. Alabama said no, causing a 41-year standoff. Edge: Auburn

Creepiest Tradition A&M: When mascot Reveille, a collie, dies, the school holds a military funeral and buries her in the ﬁeld. Texas: Holds a séance-y “hex rally” before A&M game. Edge: Texas

Fight Song Face-Off A&M: “Aggie War Hymn.” “Saw varsity’s horns off/Saw varsity’s horns off/Saw varsity’s horns off.” Like that “Redrum” kid, but with school spirit! Texas: “The Eyes of Texas.” “The eyes of Texas are upon you/You cannot get away.” We’re ofﬁcially having nightmares. Edge: Texas

Hometown Pride A&M: College Station was declared “the most educated city in Texas” in 2006. Texas: Austin is known as the Live Music Capital of the World. Guitar solo! Edge: Texas Spotted on the Sidelines A&M: George H.W. Bush, whose presidential library is on campus grounds. Texas: Liar Roger Clemens, shirtist Matthew McConaughey. Edge: Texas

WINNER: texas

Famous Students Auburn: Bo Jackson, Charles Barkley Alabama: Bernie Madoff, Forrest Gump Edge: Alabama

Mascot in Nature Auburn: Aubie the Tiger. This cat is an “obligate carnivore,” meaning its diet is 70 percent meat, 30 percent Siegfried & Roy. Alabama: Big Al the Elephant. Has no natural predator yet is a wussy vegetarian. Edge: Auburn

best Player Name Auburn: Quindarius Carr (WR) Alabama: Dont’a Hightower (LB) Edge: Alabama

Lecherous Item on school Home Page Auburn: Image of Taylor Swift during a “surprise concert” at which two students competed to hug her. Alabama: School slogan: “Touching Lives.” Edge: Alabama

WINNER: alabama

BLASTS FROM THE PAST NFL PLAYERS CALL OUT THEIR COLLEGE RIVALS. ≤ Jacob Hester FB, San Diego Chargers LSU, 2004–07 “Florida was always our biggest game. After we beat them my senior year, I saw a bad situation—a couple of their fans were in the Porta-Potties, and our fans were rocking them back and forth. Who knows what they were getting on them.” 72 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

≤ Jam James Laurinaitis LB, S St. Louis Rams Ohio State, 2005–08 “The Michigan thing is more than just the g game. You have a constant reminder der of it all year. In the locker room we hav have a countdown clock to the game and a wh whole wall just for the Michigan riva rivalry—what it’s about, the history off it.”

≤ Calais Campbell DE, Arizona Cardinals University of Miami, 2004–07 “My ﬁrst year playing Florida State, it went down to the last play, and when we won, the whole campus went crazy—wild parties, people applauding wherever you went. The Super Bowl was unbelievable, but beating Florida State comes close.”

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sports FLORIDA AT FLORIDA STATE

November 27 // Series record: 33-19-2, Florida Florida has dominated over the past ﬁve years, but fans of these teams still beat the daylights out of each other in the yearly Sunshine Showdown.

Hottest Alum Florida: ESPN reporter Erin Andrews FSU: Spike TV host Courtney Hansen Edge: Florida Local drink Florida: The Gator Bite: A 50-50 shot of O.J. and vodka followed by a 50-50 shot of blue curaçao and vodka followed by a big shot of shame. FSU: Tallahassee mag touts the Calimocho: red wine and Coke. Edge: Florida

lady-fan passion Florida: In 2008, with her Gators kicking Georgia’s ass, Veronica Hairston began taunting her husband, a UGA fan. When he tried to walk away, she bit his thigh. FSU: Buxom fans not interested in cheering can be Cowgirls, the ’Noles’ unofﬁcial boner—um, pep squad. Edge: FSU Contribution to Society Florida: University researchers invented Gatorade in 1965 . FSU: Six faculty members have earned Nobels. Edge: Florida

Shockingest Scandal Florida: Shady fund-raising schemes—for example, boosters were asked to cough up 25K for souvenirs like Tim Tebow’s toenail clippings— triggered a federal investigation in ’07. FSU: The NCAA placed the school on probation after Seminole jocks, including footballers, cheated in an online music history class. Why not just go to the University of Phoenix? Edge: Florida

WINNER: ﬂorida

GEORGIA TECH AT GEORGIA

November 27 // Series record: 60-39-5, Georgia This rivalry’s nickname, though idiotic-sounding and awkward to use as a noun, says it all: Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. Party in the State of GA

Recent Scandal

UGA: The number one “party school” according to known fun experts The Princeton Review. Tech: Tech kids ditch campus jams to head into the heart of Hotlanta and down sizzurp with Lil Jon. Edge: Georgia Hidden Talents

UGA: Wide receiver A.J. Green was a competitive juggler. Tech: Assistant coach Joe Speed was a captain in the Marine Corps. Edge: Tech

UGA: In July the athletic director was arrested for DUI with a young female passenger who was not his wife. Tech: A 2005 NCAA investigation revealed that 11 academically ineligible players had manned the ﬁeld for the Yellowjackets. Edge: Georgia

Distinguished Alumni UGA: Newman

Tech: Jeff Foxworthy Edge: Georgia

Rowdiest Fans

UGA: In 1893 sore-loser Georgia supporters hurled rocks at Tech players and then chased them back to their train home. Tech: In 1978 the sore-loser Tech crowd hurled liquor bottles, batteries, and dead ﬁsh at the Notre Dame sidelines. Ha, remember when Notre Dame was good? Edge: Georgia

WINNER: georgia

MICHIGAN AT OHIO STATE

November 27 // Series record: 57-43-6, Michigan Thanks to UM’s recent slide into the gridiron dumps, this rivalry has lost some luster—unless you’ve ever lived anywhere near Michigan or Ohio. community with More to Lose Michigan: Six straight losses to Ohio State and back-to-back sub-.500 seasons? Break out the Zoloft! OSU: “I’ve decided to take my talents to South Beach.” Edge: Michigan

Fan Rap Lyric Michigan: From “Welcome to the Big House”: “Rich Rod is just the next Bo Schembechler.” OSU: From “There’s Only One O,” a rebuttal to an Oregon Ducks fan rap: “We addicted to winnin’, y’all addicted to quack.” Edge: OSU

Mascot Tragedy Michigan: March 2010: The state’s lone wolverine found dead. OSU: Fall 2009: Thousands of buckeyes fall to unceremonious deaths. Edge: Michigan

YANKEE GUEST STAR Michigan: Derek Jeter has been known to stalk the sidelines, wearing awesome Cosby sweaters. OSU: George Steinbrenner was an assistant under Woody Hayes in 1954. Edge: OSU

Worst Coaching Decision Michigan: Whichever one Rich Rodriguez made last. OSU: In the infamous 1950 “Snow Bowl”— with a conference title and national championship bid on the line—coach Wes Fesler opted to punt on the third down with 20 seconds left. Michigan recovered in the snow-covered end zone for a TD to win. Edge: Michigan

WINNER: michigan

ARMY VS. NAVY

(at Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, PA) December 11 // Series record: 54-49-7, Navy When not making the world safe for democracy, our soldiers and sailors are busy trying to give each other a good ol’ American ass-whupping. U-S-A!

Gridiron to Battlefield Hero Army: Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower started as a running back and a linebacker in 1912. Navy: Adm. Jonas Howard Ingram scored the lone TD in the 1906 game, Navy’s first victory over Army in six meetings. He later commanded the Atlantic fleet in WWII. Edge: Army The World Owes Us One Army: Battle of the Bulge Navy: Battle of Midway Edge: Army

Branch Perk Army: Not being stuck on a boat for months at a time. Navy: Fleet Week! Edge: Army Use of Taxpayer Dollars Army soldiers: Disturbingly choreographed video remake of Lady Gaga and Beyoncé’s “Telephone.” Navy pilots: Disturbingly choreographed video remake of Black-Eyed Peas’ “Pump It.” Edge: Army

Best Film Representation Army: Stripes. “Lighten up, Francis.” Navy: Top Gun. Made coughing while saying “bullshit” a national comeback. Edge: Army

WINNER: army

BLASTS FROM THE PAST NFL PLAYERS CALL OUT THEIR COLLEGE RIVALS. ≤ Shawne Merriman LLB, San Diego Chargers U University of Maryland, 2002–04 ““These rivalries never go away. I’m in tthe locker room with Philip Rivers, who pplayed for NC State while I was at M Maryland. He never beat us, and I never llet him live it down. He can’t say anytthing, because they lost every year!” 76 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

≤≤W Willie McGinest Fr agent LB Free US USC, 1990–93 “U “UCLA was our biggest conference rival, an and it was kind of the battle of L.A. They we were on the west side, we were on the ea east side. I had a lot of buddies who went th there, but when we put those pads on, it be became hate, because that was war.”

≤ Tashard Choice RB, Dallas Cowboys Georgia Tech, 2005–07 “Georgia and Georgia Tech fans really do hate each other. From the ﬁeld you could see people ﬁghting, crying…It’s all-out. We were 0–3 against them, with two heartbreaking losses. But to hell with Georgia. That’s what we say.”

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BY MARIA FONTOURA

What is the manliest meat? A dino-size porterhouse? A barbecued pork shoulder? A ﬁve- alarm chicken wing? Before you say yes to any of those, consider the humble meatball, a spherical mash-up of savory wonder. You don’t have to be an expert chef to make them: All you need are two hands and some ground-up animal. If you can make a snowball, you can make dinner. Yes, friends, we are living in the age of the meatball. Increasingly, chefs around the country are celebrating this simple peasant food, dressing it up with fancy ingredients or stripping it down to its essence for a satisfying taste of home. Lamb, lobster, foie gras, even Kobe beef—if you can grind it up, there’s a chef somewhere turning it into a meatball. But no one has boiled this trend down better than the guys behind New York City’s Meatball Shop: Daniel Holzman, chef, and Michael Chernow, general manager. Their bustling nine-month-old restaurant, a 39-seat spot nestled amid the bars and latenight lounges of the Lower East Side, serves one thing and one thing only: meatballs. (OK, there are some vegetable sides, but that’s it.) Ravenous diners can choose from four types of two-ounce balls: beef, pork, chicken, and, for heathens, veggie. Get them “naked” (four balls in a bowl with one of four sauces: classic tomato, spicy meat, Parmesan cream, or mushroom gravy) or in sandwich form with melted mozzarella or provolone. Everything on the menu is less than 10 bucks, including daily specials like the “jambalaya ball,” crammed with shrimp, chicken, andouille, and pork. It’s Mardi Gras in your mouth! The appeal, according to Holzman, is simple. “People don’t cook anymore,” he says.

MEET THE LATEST IN RETRO-COOL MAN-FOOD: MEATBALLS.

* Rejected Headlines for This Story BOYS MEAT BALLS

TWO BALLS ONE RECIPE

PHOTOGRAPH BY STEVE COHEN

MEATBALLS DEEP

GASSY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS

STRAIGHT BALLIN’

THE MAGIC ATE BALL

PLAY BALLS!

FEEL DEEZ NUTS

HOW MEAT IT IS

SAVED BY THE BALLS

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 79

A MEATBALL TRIVIA CONTEST? NOW YOU CAN. leftovers rule Like many of Mom’s best meals, meatballs were born of stinginess. Peasants in early cultures would roll bits of meat with grains, nuts, and fruits to make it last longer. for the birds The earliest recorded recipes for meatballs date to ancient Rome. A common ingredient? Peacock. mo’ money, mo’ meat At $30 the one-pound Kobe beef ball at Miami’s Prime Italian is the most expensive ball short of a Lance Armstrong prosthetic. open wide In 2005 competitive eater Sonya Thomas downed 163 ounces of meatballs in 12 minutes—a world record. pasta la vista The tradition of serving meatballs with spaghetti began not in Italy but in America, where we like being fat. featball The world’s largest meatball was born in ’09 at Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord, NH, weighing 222½ pounds and looking like a massive turd.

“But if you’re going out to dinner, you have two choices: a special meal or McDonald’s. Now, in its day McDonald’s was cool. In 1963 a guy could take a girl there, rollerskate over, and she’d be stoked. But for our generation, there isn’t that place. We wanted to open a place where you can take a date that won’t be terribly expensive and still ﬁts all the requirements of a good restaurant today.” The Meatball Shop was actually a bit of an accident. Holzman, 31, and Chernow, 30, grade-school buddies who started working together doing deliveries at a Manhattan vegan restaurant (irony alert!) 17 years ago, were ﬁnally following through on talk of a joint venture. They had scoped out a downtown location with two entrances, one next door to a bar. “There were always people outside, smoking cigarettes and hanging out,” Chernow says, “and we thought, How are we gonna feed those drunk people?” 80 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

The duo decided to run a takeout window in that entrance and started casing the neighborhood to see what people were chowing down on late-night: pizza, fries, “basically garbage,” according to Chernow. Then he recalled his time managing the bar at Frank, an Italian bistro in the city’s East Village. “I didn’t want to eat a big bowl of pasta late at night, so I would just order the meatballs with broccoli or spinach.” The deal on the two-entrance spot fell through, but a seed had been planted. When a diﬀerent lease opened up blocks away, Chernow says, “We looked at each other and said, ‘Meatballs. Let’s just fuckin’ do it.’” What they quickly discovered, selling nearly 2,000 balls a day right out of the gate, is that love of balls is pretty much universal. “Focused food is deﬁnitely where things are going right now,” Chernow says. “‘The best burger,’ ‘the best pizza.’ But fundamentally, people just love meatballs. I think that’s the beginning and end of it.” “People go crazy for them,” Holzman adds. “There are all these fancy chefs putting out great meatballs. But at its base it’s a comfort food. It’s hard to screw up. On the scale of what bad is, you’re not like, ‘This is disgusting.’ Maybe you’re like, ‘This isn’t my favorite meatball.’ But for the most part, meatballs taste good wherever you go.” There are, of course, personal preferences when it comes to

balls. In the ﬂavor department, an early experiment with a salmon ball was removed from the menu, but not without pleas from its few passionate supporters. And it’s possible that not every customer will love the Shop’s philosophy on texture. “If your grandmother cooked dense meatballs, you’re probably prone to enjoying a dense meatball,” Chernow says. “Here we embrace a more supple ball.” “I want to put up a sign,” Holzman chimes in. “BE GENTLE:

OUR BALLS ARE TENDER.” Perhaps good advice for the most surprising segment of the restaurant’s clientele: women. “I never expected to see groups of six girls waiting an hour to chow down on melted-cheesecovered balls,” Holzman says. “And then following it up with a massive ice cream sandwich,” Chernow adds. “My theory is, a woman hears about us and calls ﬁve of her friends like, ‘We gotta go to this place!’ A dude just thinks, Maybe I’ll get drunk and go there one night. I very rarely see a crew of guys come in here at eight for dinner. They come between midnight and 4 A.M. and barely speak—just, ‘Mumble, mumble, meatball, mumble.’” The pair’s next step in feeding the hungry masses? Another foray into seafood. After an animated debate on the merits of a particular recipe for monkﬁsh balls, Holzman pauses and shrugs. “Life is all about the next meatball,” he says.

MAXIM’S BIG BALLS!

Meatball Shop chef Daniel Holzman, left, and GM Michael Chernow love talking about their balls.

WHERE’S THE BEEF? RESTAURANTS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY ARE SERVING UP TASTY WRECKING BALLS.

A16 San Francisco, CA This restaurant’s Meatball Mondays feature orbs made from beef and pork trimmings, plus buttery prosciutto. Coppa Boston, MA Chef Ken Oringer’s “meatballs alforno” are topped with a layer of lardo—that’s straight-up pork fat to you. RDG + Bar Annie Houston, TX Lobster meatballs with remoulade sauce (a savory mayo-mustard combo) are fancy enough to feed to your lady. City Grocery Oxford, MI Extra hungry? Swallow an entrée portion of wild boar meatballs for $30. Proof on Main Louisville, KY Bison and beef join forces in bison pastrami sliders served with smoked aioli. Frasca Food and Wine Boulder, CO Diners often call ahead to conﬁrm that Frasca’s famous stew of roasted veal and lamb meatballs will be on the menu. Dominick’s Los Angeles, CA This former Rat Pack hangout serves a combo pork-beef-mushroom ball. Feeling ﬁshy? Try the tuna ball instead.

2 3 4 5 6 7

they’re tender and delicious!

MEATBALL SHOP CHEF DANIEL HOLZMAN CREATED A BALL RECIPE JUST FOR US. GET ROLLIN’. Great Balls of Fire

Yield: about 48 meatballs (8-10 servings) 4 lbs. 80 percent lean beef, ground 4 tsp. salt ½ tsp. chili ﬂakes 1 tsp. fennel seeds, ground 1 cup bread crumbs ½ cup parsley, chopped 2 Tbs. oregano, chopped 2 cups fresh ricotta cheese 4 eggs 4 Tbs. olive oil

1. Preheat the oven to 450°F. 2. Combine all ingredients except the olive oil in a large bowl and mix thoroughly by hand. 3. Drizzle the olive oil onto two large baking dishes (9”x12”), evenly coating the surfaces. 4. Roll the mixture into ﬁrm, golf-ball-size meatballs. 5. Place the balls in the dish such that they’re lined up evenly in rows and are touching each of their four neighbors in a grid. 6. Roast until ﬁrm and cooked through, about 20 minutes.

may the Sauce be with you Yield: 16 cups (8-10 servings) 2 large yellow onions, small dice (about 4 cups) 2 lbs. pork shoulder, ground 4 Tbs. olive oil 4 tsp. chili ﬂakes 4 tsp. salt 4 Tbs. tomato paste 4 28 oz. canned tomatoes, chopped (preferably San Marzano)

1. Cook onions and pork with the olive oil, chili, and salt over medium heat in a large pot (six quarts), stirring constantly till meat is thoroughly cooked and onions are soft and beginning to brown, about 15 minutes. 2. Add the tomato paste and continue cooking for ﬁve minutes. 3. Add the canned tomatoes and stir constantly until the sauce begins to boil. 4. Continue cooking for 35 minutes, stirring every four or ﬁve so the sauce doesn’t burn.

FOOD STYLING, SUSAN OTTAVIANO/HALLEY RESOURCES

BETTER KNOW YOUR BALLS EVER WANTED TO ENTER

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Give Thanks for Sex

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REAL GIRLS REVEAL WHAT THEY’RE MOST GRATEFUL FOR…IN BED.

In true Thanksgiving tradition, unbutton your pants. Because you won’t be needing them after you read about all the dirty, ﬂirty, nasty, and naughty things women are most thankful for this year. While others have been planning a turkey supper, we’ve been planning a sexy feast, gathering dozens of real women at our table to tell us what they love most about getting down to business with you. Sure, it’s not polite Thanksgiving dinner conversation, but it beats listening to Grandpa rant about the price of milk. The best part is, we’re going to tell you how to take everything these appreciative ladies say and put it to good use in bed. You can thank us later.

Lay Dates

Sure, it was hot, but, still, it was no way to turn up to Mom’s 60th birthday party. PHOTOGRAPHS BY RONY SHRAM

On this time-honored American holiday, many women are raising a glass to the sexy traditions they’ve started in the sack. For example, each week 31year-old Trish* and her ﬁancé celebrate “Screwsday,” in which they try a new

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 83

sex sex move every Tuesday. “We started doing it because we were in a rut and wanted to bone outside our comfort zone,” she says. “We’ve discovered things we didn’t think we’d like, such as adding restraints. Of course, there are also totally awkward things I learned that I don’t enjoy—like seeing him in a priest frock for role play. But overall I really look forward to our weekly experiment.” Rachel, 26, and her boyfriend like to observe real holidays with kinky customs. On Bastille Day she dressed up like a French maid and made l’amour while spouting dirty French phrases. On Columbus Day they borrowed his father’s sailboat and did it at sea. “When you turn holidays into sexy occasions, you want to celebrate all of them—even the silly ones,” she says. “My friends never understand why I get so excited for Arbor Day.” Show your gratitude: Create a sexy ritual with your lady that forces you to switch up your sexual routine. (Yes, Threesome Thursdays would be great, but try to make it about just the two of you.) If you work near each other, how about a designated day for lunchtime quickies? Is she artsy-fartsy? Suggest a regular body-painting session. Whatever you do, don’t do it too often or for too long—the last thing she wants is a sexual tradition that feels as surprising and arousing as laundry night.

electric dreams While there’s no substitute for a man, several women expressed gratitude for the technological advancements that fill in when no guy is around. “I couldn’t live without my vibrators,” says 32-year-old Melissa, who bought her first vibe 10 years ago and has since amassed a collection of eight. “They all have varied speed settings, and one has a couple of fun add-ons for extra stimulation. I definitely like to use them with guys, too—the combined effect brings my orgasms to a whole new level.” Other gals pay homage to the technology not in their nightstand drawer but online. “Skype has saved my relationship by allowing me to have long-distance sex with my boyfriend, who’s working in London for a year,” says Annie, 27. “It’s not only a million times cheaper than long-distance phone sex; it’s hotter because there’s a visual. The first time we did it, I was able to give him a real striptease instead of lying there in my pj’s pretending to be naked.” Show your gratitude: Surprise her with a gizmo that will amplify your talents with a supersexy buzz. (Jimmyjane sells a range of models, from a simple $16 bullet to a $35 vibrating ring to the double-headed Form 2, $135, which won an award at this year’s AVNs.) If you’re feeling extra bold, ask her to use it while you watch on Skype. As you’re 84 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Knees and elbows too sexy to show.

Show your gratitude: It’s all about the F-word—that is, foreplay. Devote one night a week to a diﬀerent part of your girlfriend’s body and ask her to do the same for you. (There must be something other than your member that craves her attention.) Linger there for 20 to 30 minutes, taking periodic detours to other sensitive bits so that no area goes untouched. When you both can’t take it anymore, move on to the other F-word.

Fully Poseable Many women we spoke with were thankful not just for our bodies but for everything they can do—like the reverse pile driver! But even the most devoted yogis in the group confessed that sometimes classic sex positions are the most erotic. “Missionary is the best,” says Janelle, 22. “It lets my clit and my vagina get the most simultaneous probably aware, you don’t need to be action—which is pretty much the only way long-distance to watch a lady pleasure I can orgasm during sex. Plus, it kind of herself online. takes me back to losing my virginity.” Still others traveled back even farther in The best Parts time when asked about their favorite sexual Not surprisingly, many women boiled escapades. “My boyfriend and I have makedown their love of sex to a love of out-only nights where we just roll around self—specifically, their lovely and rub against each other, lady lumps. After all, what’s not never taking off our undies,” to like? “My boobs are super says Mary, 33. “I don’t know sensitive, so I love having them what position you’d call it—dry fondled and sucked,” says humping?—but it’s totally 29-year-old Julia of her natural C reminiscent of junior high and cups. “When my boyfriend gets us supercharged for the squeezes my nipples while he’s next time, when we actually go THANKS BUT going down on me, I’m in total ‘all the way.’” NO THANKS ecstasy.” Meanwhile, Megan, a But by far the sex act that re31-year-old Pilates devotee, loves ceived the most praise was oral. THESE ITEMS MAKE “I’m hugely thankful for any the firm yet round behind her OUR LIST OF exercise routine has created. “I’m man who loves going down,” SEXUAL TURKEYS. always dying for a guy to grab my says 25-year-old Collette. “NothFundies ass during sex,” she says. “Smack ing makes me feel sexier or Just think of the it, spank it—enjoy it. That’s why come faster. I also love 69-ing— three-legged races you could have I’m in the gym five days a week!” turns me into a porn star.” in these smushy When it comes to the male Show your gratitude: Pick up a panties-for-two. anatomy, women are ever translated Kama Sutra (see: The Oral Sex Light Bluetooth headset grateful for your equipment (“I Pocket Idiot’s Guide to the Kama meets reading lamp could play with my boyfriend’s Sutra)—the ancient Sanskrit in this totally unnecessary sex “toy.” dick all day,” says Tami, 20). But screed that everyone thinks is Ironically, can’t help there are even more utilitarian about crazy pretzel-twisty veryou find your dignity once it’s on. muscles that turn us on, too. “I sions of exotic and alien sex love my guy’s arms,” says 25-yearacts. While the guide does conBlowup Sheep If you’re into aniold Krista. “Not because I’m into tain some wacky suggestions, mals, go for it. beefy dudes but because he’s so it mostly focuses on maximizBut wouldn’t the real thing be strong. My favorite thing is when ing the mind-blowing potential better than the he picks me up while we’re doing of positions you already know silence of this lamb? it and then stands up.” And for (missionary, woman on top). Al Gore’s Sex Scandal Ellie, 23, there’s nothing better Bypass the spiritual hooey and Charges against him than when her boyfriend gives take away the key info: where were dropped, but we’re still scarred her the finger. “His digits can to put your bodies so you both for life by the idea bend to touch super-sensitive get the most explosive O’s. of Gore exposing his south pole and areas like my G-spot,” she says. Then settle in for a long holiday telling a massage “It makes me feel like he’s really nap; this stuff is even better therapist, exploring my body.” than tryptophan. “Take care of this.”

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WITH A NEW ALBUM AND A NEW FOUR-LETTER TATTOO, THE SCORCHING AVRIL LAVIGNE CONTINUES TO ROCK OUR WORLD. BY RUTH HILTON PHOTOGRAPHS BY DON FLOOD

AVRIL LAVIGNE’S THIRD MAXIM COVER IS OFFICIALLY HER HOTTEST SHOOT YET. THE 26-YEAR-OLD SONGBIRD IS ALL GROWN UP AND FULLY IN TOUCH WITH HER SEXY SIDE AS HER NEW SINGLE HITS THE AIRWAVES. THOUGH THE PAST YEAR HAS BROUGHT MANY CHANGES IN HER LIFE, INCLUDING A DIVORCE, AVRIL IS MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER. THE ONLY TRACE OF HER ONCE-TRADEMARK EXPLETIVE-LADEN TIRADES IS THE NEW “FUCK” TATTOO ON HER RIB CAGE. ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH TO HANG WITH POP PUNK’S REIGNING PRINCESS? This is your third Maxim shoot…and we have to say, they just keep getting sexier! I’m older and more comfortable with my femininity. The first time I was about 19 and was very nervous. I was more of a tomboy, I guess. I’ve always had a great time shooting with Maxim. I feel like it gives me my freedom. It’s an edgy magazine, so it’s cool. What makes a woman sexy? Attitude and confidence. So, a new single and a new album to follow… I have officially just wrapped the album. I’ve been working on it for about two and a half years. I’ve lived a lot, gone through a lot, and put a lot into my songwriting. These songs are very meaningful to me. A lot of your songs have been about boys. Is that still the case on this album? This album is the first that is not boy-bashing. [laughs] Is it inspired by my personal relationships? Yes. Inspired by life experiences? Yes. Inspired by experiences in situations with my family and friends? Yes. What do you think of the new stars who have emerged since your last record, like Katy

88 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Perry, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha? It’s an interesting period in music right now, very ’8os and beat-driven. A lot of girls are really into their image and costumes and going over the top. I really like Ke$ha. Her songs are fun to party to, and her lyrics are hilarious.

“Really?” They usually just pull that stuff out of their ass, but I think people know that.

There have been some notable meltdowns of former teen stars. How have you managed to avoid those? I got here on my own. I came from a small town and grew up in a regular home. I know what I’ve worked hard for. I’ve seen a lot of people who have gone a little crazy and who are really into the Hollywood scene. I don’t really like to hang out with people like that.

Is there anything you think people would be surprised to know about you? Yeah—I’m really shy and quiet.

Are you able to play in private? Well, there are a lot of paparazzi in L.A. The only time I really ever get photographed is if I decide to go out with my friends to a bar or club, so then it kind of looks like I do that more than I do. The majority of the time I stay in. Do you laugh or get irritated when you see stories about yourself in the tabloids? You can only laugh at it and roll your eyes because it’s like,

Do you even care what people think of you anymore? I care, but you can’t please everyone. I’m here to create my music and give it to the world.

You have some new tattoos since our last shoot. Tell us about them. [points to forearm] This is ABBEY DAWN—that’s my nickname and clothing line. I have a lightning bolt, a music note, and a star. [pulls top up to show hip] Oh, I had a little star here last time, but now I have a big star. I have about 15 altogether, but they’re all small. You also have a FUCK tattoo on one side of your rib cage. I got that one two months ago…no, six. What dating advice would you give Maxim readers? I like a classy man, a gentleman who opens the door and gives ﬂowers and always puts the lady ﬁrst. I’m a little oldfashioned like that.

STYLING, JESSICA PASTER; HAIR AND MAKEUP, GABRIEL PANDURO FOR I.C.O.N.; MANICURE BY KIMMIE KYEES FOR MINX/CELESTINE AGENCY; SET DESIGN, DAVID ROSS. THANKS TO SIREN STUDIOS.

SAY THE THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM, AND HERE’S THE PROOF:

Avril’s technique for dealing with peeping Toms works like a charm.

Gasoline Glamour gloves, suspenders with leggings courtesy of Undrest, Tom Binns necklace, Van Cleef bracelet,Corcoran boots courtesy of Hollywood Trading Company (opening spread) Vintage top courtesy of Hollywood Trading Company, Forever 21 boy shorts, Tom Binns necklace, Gasoline Glamour ring, Van Cleef bracelet, So Ruff So Tuff earrings courtesy of Diavolina, Rock & Republic shoes.

“I’VE ALWAYS HAD A GOOD TIME WITH MAXIM. IT GIVES ME MY FREEDOM.”

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Will Arnett HOLLYWOOD’S BIGGEST BOOB IS BACK IN PRIME TIME ON FOX’S RUNNING WILDE. THANK GOB!

First off— Hey, listen. How is working at Maxim? Is it just, like, a bikini contest all day?

BY PATRICK CARONE • PHOTOGRAPH BY SPENCER HEYFRON

Oh, yeah, bikini contests and dwarves with trays of drugs. So everybody is drunk and high all the time? Good for you guys!

What’s your favorite dad activity? All bits aside, I enjoy it all. It sounds so fucking boring, but I can be changing the worst diaper and be thinking, This is great. And if I had, like, 20-yearold me around, he’d be like, “Dude, this is not great. You’re wiping somebody else’s crap off their ass.”

Why is Running Wilde the new show everyone should watch? There are a lot of TV shows and movies these days, I’ve found, that explore the mundane. And guess what? Turns out the mundane is boring! Who woulda thunk? Running Wilde gets back to that thing that really captured people’s imaginations, that Dynasty/Dallas shallow-but-fun world. You’ve got a great cast. Well, Keri Russell is a handful. No, we’re lucky. The day we fooled her into doing our show was a great day for us. David Cross is on the show as well, and I’m also on his IFC show, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. We made a pact that we would never stop working together.

Aw, that’s nice. Yeah. Well, it’s not true.

What’s the biggest difference between your Running Wilde character, Steve Wilde, and the great Gob Bluth from Arrested Development? Steve is a rich playboy who is seemingly all about himself, but on a personal level he’s a really generous guy. Gob, on the other hand, was an incredibly selﬁsh person. He had this sense of being wronged on a very fundamental level at an early age, and he was always looking to give a “fuck you” back to the world.

Where would you place Arrested Development in the pantheon of shows that were canceled too soon? Somewhere between Star Trek and Freaks and Geeks? I wouldn’t dare to attest that we were canceled too soon. We got what the world dealt us. And who knows? If we got another season, maybe our legacy would have been different. You must have strange run-ins with Arrested Development fans. What’s weird is when people pop into your personal space. Of course, that comes with the territory. I’m happy that anybody liked the show, but…I remember this one time I was in a restaurant, and this guy jumped in front of me and did a coin trick, really abruptly. I was like, Am I being mugged? OK, time to ask: Will there be an Arrested Development movie? The Arrested movie is gonna happen. Mitch Hurwitz said he was halfway done with the script. He’s juggling a lot of things right now, like making Running Wilde, but once he ﬁnishes it we’re off to the races.

92 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

What drives you to play pricks? There’s nothing less interesting than a nice guy. Sure, he might be great to marry and have kids with, but in terms of entertainment value, who gives a shit? I enjoy playing characters who are damaged and kind of, well, assholes.

Are you raising your boys to be comedy supermen? Oh, yeah. My two-year-old, Archie, is really into Bill Hicks. [laughs] I’m actually sick of celebrities who say, “I’m really just a comedy nerd.” Give me a fucking break. You’re not making yourself sound more “of the people.”

Is it fun being a celebrity couple with Amy Poehler? Yeah, it’s the best. I love being able to wake up in the morning and look across the pillow and be looking at a celebrity.

When you’re ﬁlming Parks and Recreation, are you deferential to your wife since she’s the star? No, no. When I’m on Parks and Rec, I’m the one who’s got it going on. I’m the swinging dick on that set.

Would Amy say likewise? She would say that when she looks over the pillow, she does not see a celebrity.

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about women? Oh, I’ve got to be careful here. Women have a tough time…No, you know what? Let me put it this way: Women are fantastic. Fantastically illogical creatures.

Are you guys the funniest couple— Of all time? Yes. You even beat out Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman? Are you kidding? Of course! No, I guarantee you Danny and Rhea are far funnier than we are. You and Amy collaborate quite often. You must enjoy it. Well, we’ve collaborated on two kids so far, and it’s been great. Our two joints have been very productive.

“I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY MET MY CHILDREN YET. NOT REALLY A BABY GUY.”

You used to do lots of serious roles. Would you ever do another? Well, we all remember Jonah Hex, right? Don’t we? We don’t? Yeah, I would do another. Honestly, I don’t have a plan. Some other man would have a plan, but I’m just winging it. Is there a dramatic movie you’ve done that you are proud of and think people should Netﬂix? No. Finally, what do you wish you could tell your 18-year-old self? Quit drinking ﬁve years earlier. And hit the gym, for God’s sake!

GROOMING, KEVIN WOON/JED ROOT

Congrats on the birth of your second son. Do you like being a dad? Yes. I mean, I haven’t actually met the children yet. I’m not really a baby guy. I said, “Bring them around when they’re ﬁve or six.”

After a seismic shift rocked the roundball world this summer, a South Beach superteam has a target on its back. Get ready for bigger games, badder blood, and the most gripping season in basketball history!

BARKLEY ON THE BIG GAMES* HEAT AT CELTICS

October 26, 7:30 P.M., TNT This is the ﬁrst time you’ll see the big three: LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. Anyone who thinks the Celtics are going to hand over their crown to Miami doesn’t know much about basketball. We’re going to start to see how things play out here. 94 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

HEAT AT LAKERS

December 25, 5 P.M., ABC Kobe’s the man, and, man, it ain’t easy. If winning championships were easy, everybody would do it. The Lakers are the best team in the NBA, but Miami’s gonna want to send them a message that they’re the new kids on the block.

NUGGETS AT THUNDER

December 25, 8 P.M., ESPN Everyone thinks this game is about Carmelo Anthony versus Kevin Durant, but really it’s for the entire country to see Oklahoma City. They’re the next big thing. They’re all, like, 21 and will be tough to beat for the next 10 years. Get to know them now.

“The regular season?” says Charles Barkley. “Most of it’s monotonous. There are really only six teams that have a shot at winning the NBA championship: Boston, Miami, and Orlando in the East, and the Lakers, Utah, and Oklahoma City in the West. There’s nobody else with a chance of surpassing them in either conference. The marquee games between those teams (ﬁve of them are listed below) are the ones to watch, where everybody’s trying to send a message in advance of the playoffs. And all those other teams? Well, they’re just playing for fun.”

MAGIC AT CELTICS

January 17, 8 P.M., TNT This one’s all about getting the upper hand on your competition in preparation for the playoffs. Both teams should have stellar records, but each team will be trying to ﬁgure out how good they are and if they need to make a trade to win the East.

THUNDER AT LAKERS

January 17, 10:30 P.M., TNT A great playoff matchup from last year. Go back and look at the series—the Thunder were the Lakers’ toughest matchup before the Celtics. The Lakers won 4–2, but each game they won went down to the last couple minutes. Should be a real battle.

*(and one to avoid) HEAT AT CAVS

December 2, 8 P.M. People will be intrigued by LeBron’s return to Cleveland, but I’m not looking forward to it. It’s going to be bitter and emotional, and could be dangerous fo r the players. I don’t do that trash. I respect the game too much.

DWIGHT HOCENTER WARD ORLANDO MAGIC

● THE LEAGUE’S BEST BIG MAN HAS A SCORE TO SETTLE WITH MIAMI. AND HIS COACH’S MUSTACHE. Miami’s been stealing all the hype, but Orlando may well be the team to beat in the East. Feeling overlooked? Well, people have been sleeping on Orlando forever. That’s nothing new to us. How are you feeling going into the season? It’s gonna be a different NBA—should be a lot of fun. The Bulls have gotten better, and, of course, the Heat have, too. I think it’s a great new beginning for us all. I spent time in China and India this summer and saw some life-changing stuff. Mentally, I feel a lot stronger. You’re a big bowler. Who’s better, you or Chris Paul? I used to bowl every

HOOKED ON CLASSICS

other day, and my highest score is a 274. ed The one time I played Chris, though, I hadd to use his ball, so he won. I want a rematch!

Get your throwback on with this killer gear.

Your coach, Stan Van Gundy, has a killerr ’stache. Have yourr teammates ever ng considered growing similar ones for a playoff run? No way. We have considered trying to get Stan to cut his facial hair off, but he justt wants to look like Paul Bearer from the WWE.

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It’s been reportedd that no the Magic have a “no ng farting” rule during practice because of you. Have you everr ﬂoor crop-dusted the ﬂ oor during a game? Well, you know, I may ple have farted a couple of times while goingg up to dunk a ball. Is that how you gett your edge? rks Yes, but it only works for 20 seconds.

▲ THE KICKS Worn by players like Dr. J, Converse’s chevronbedecked Star Players debuted in the ’70s, back when shoes were just shoes, without such fancy features as “air” or “ankle support.” And they were sweet. This fall John Varvatos gives the kicks a rock’n’roll edge in waxy suede and leather. $125, converse.com

EPIC MATCHUP

BEST SONG ON THE SPACE JAM SOUNDTRACK (1996) R. Kelly “I Believe I Can Fly” Vs Quad City DJs “Space Jam” Winner: “Space Jam”” till This galactic groove still sets off rockets in our pants.

Number of games the Raptors and Nets will play in London March 4–5. They’ll be the ﬁrst regular-season contests ever held in Europe.

THE NBA’S WILDEST FANS

Any jacko can scalp a seat in South Beach, but to sit in Milwaukee’s 100-fan-strongSquad 6,a noisy supersection of rowdy hoopheads, you’ll need to be handpicked by Bucks center Andrew Bogut. Season 2 of Squad 6 will continue with more Miller Lite–fueled chants and nasty noisemakers. Sadly, the NBA has just outlawed vuvuzelas, a Squad 6 fave. “I take that personally,” says Bogut, “but we’ll stay one step ahead of the law, maybe with some trumpets, tambourines, and triangles.”

▲ THE GAME The best-ever arcade B-ball game is back. NBA Jam has returned for the Wii (and PS3 and Xbox 360 for owners of NBA Elite 11). Along with updated rosters and graphics come all the dunks, bobblehead players, and yo-yo-like scoring surges that made the original so addictive. $50, nba-jam. easports.com NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 95

How to:

RON ARFORWARD TEST L.A. LAKERS

● THEY CALL HIM CRAZY BECAUSE, WELL…HE IS. NOT THAT IT’S A BAD THING. In June you hit the shot that clinched a title, then thanked your shrink on national TV. What could be better? Winning it again. I’m looking forward to the challenge of threepeating! It’s a hard thing to do. VH1’s been following you for a series. What are we going to see? It’s about family. Everything starts in the family, and it goes to other things—seeing how I interact with the fans and how I record music. Player, businessman, and family man. Figuring out how you balance it. If you came in and edited Maxim, who would you put on the cover? I would have to put Shin Shin [a Chinese pop

Be an All-Star Benchwarmer

singer] on the cover. er. And I would want too do a story on Celine Dion, ’cause I love Celine Dion’s voice.

Ride the pine with pride! Undrafted NCAA star Mark Titus tells you how.

Have you ever mett her? I would love to meett Celine. I need to meet eet Celine Dion. I’ve been en trying to meet her for three years. Everyy time I try to meet her, they hey always send me a phone number that somebody ebody on Mars answers. I’m tired of speaking ng to people on Mars.

Look the part Take your wardrobe over the top by wearing every piece of warmup gear you can. The standard look also includes facial hair, thanks to benchwarming poster boy Adam Morrison.

So what’s shaved in your head right now? w? Oh, nothing’s shaved ed in my head right now. w. I’d get the Maxim logo go shaved in my head.

2 Become a fan favorite Pair your look with an eccentric personality. Any will do the trick, but my favorite is the Celtics’ Brian Scalabrine, who fully embraces his role as the human victory cigar.

OK. When can we do that? Opening night? ht? Whenever you’re ready. eady. You just gotta ﬂy myy barber in from Orlando. ando. Done. We’re big fans ns of your Twitter feed, ed, where you drop random updates like, ke, “I’m taking a nakedd pringle to the beach.” ch.” Just wondering what hat that one means. I don’t know. It’s just st a potato chip. It’s funny. nny.

3 Act like you’re having the time of your life Make fans jealous that they can’t be sitting on the bench with you. Wave a towel after routine plays. Go crazy on dunks. See: entire Cavs bench (LeBron era).

It is. I just like to have fun. n.

CLEVELAND SURVIVAL GUIDE Things to do in C-town besides watching the Cavs.

Become a Brewmaster. Use the money you spent on game-day suds to create your own beer at the Brew Kettle Taproom. You pick the recipe, they brew it, you bottle it. At least the beer you’re crying into is your own. $115, thebrew kettle.com

Get Gnarly. Work out your anti-traitor aggression at the best indoor mountain-bike park in the States. Ray’s MTB, located in an old industrial factory, boasts more jumps than ever this season, and it’s open all winter long. raysmtb.com

96 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Cut a Record. For all the time you spent watching LeBron, you could’ve been becoming the next Black Keys. Take a tour of this record plant, then lay down your “Suck It, South Beach” single. gottagroove records.com

EPIC MATCHUP

BEST FACIAL HAIR LLeBron’s Abe Lincoln beard Vs MJ’s Hitler ‘stache Winner: LeBron The King made a dick move, but clearly he’s no dictator.

800,000

Number of rural villages in China that will get government-built basketball courts in the next few years.

Disguise your apathy When you’re on a bad team and still don’t play, it’s hard to care about every game. But take a page from Eddy Curry’s playbook and cover your mouth so your coach can’t tell you’re laughing.

5 Seek out the superstar This is critical, because it’ll get you on TV. Be like Josh Powell, who spent the past few years giving Kobe a bro-hug before every tipoff. Whatever it takes! Follow Mark Titus at clubtrillion.com.

ADVE RTISE ME NT

MAXIM

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OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

● THE FUTURE OF

THE NBA (AND THE STEERING WHEEL OF ONE BADASS VAN) ARE IN HIS HANDS.

You’ve had a wild summer leading the U.S. national team, and playing all over the world. What’s been the highlight so far? Going to China and climbing the Great Wall! I got a workout I’ll never forget. You led the league in scoring last year and just signed a huge contract. You’re a big deal. Why are you still driving a conversion van to work? That’s my everyday car. It’s cool, know what I mean? I drive a lot. All last summer I drove

from Oklahoma to Texas to go to school. I took the van. It’s got a bed in the back, a TV, and everything. I like to sleep back there! What more do you need?

Snoop, Travis Barker, ker, and uh…hmm. I’m gonna have to get back to you on that.

During All-Star weekend you won the H.O.R.S.E. competition and were awarded what was universally panned as the ugliest trophy of all time. How would you redesign it? I’d make it a big glass centaur. Half horse, half my torso.

What’s your pregame ame ritual? Before every gamee I gotta dunk, reverse, e, and dunk left handed. ed. I tie my shoes on the table every game. And I gotta dance. And I gotta pray.

You’re always standing up for the skinny guys. Who’s in your skinny guy hall of fame? Well, Snoop Dogg is undoubtably number one. And Travis Barker is deﬁnitely in there; he’s a great drummer.

Besides playing basketball, what’ss the best thing you can do with a 7’4” wingspan? an? When I’m at the mallll and they have four rows ws of shirts stacked, I can reach the top row, no problem. Even if I don’t on’t need the shirt, girlss notice me. Gotta put ut on a little show for them, em, you know?

What’s the dance?? It’s called the Dougie. ie.

LOCKER ROOM SECRETS!

2010 Nba PREVIEW

Top players sound off on the league’s sweatiest players and sweetest talkers.

KEVIN DURANT (F-G, OKC)

CARON BUTLER (F, DAL)

DWIGHT HOWARD (C, ORL)

Andrew Bogut (C, MIL)

Derek Fisher

J.J. Redick

Etan Thomas. “He’s one of the most politically minded.”

Player who drives the lamest car

Travis Outlaw. “He drives an old green Impala. It’s...wow.”

“No idea.”

“Well, as a rook I drove a pickup for a while.”

Brandon Jennings

Sweatiest player

Nick Collison

Nick Collisonn

Adonal Foyle

John Brockman. “He’s a walking puddle.”

Player most likely to become governor

Number of Cleveland households that watched LeBron’s “The Decision” special live, barely overtaking the record Antiques Roadshow episode starring Drew Carey’s gumball machine.

EPIC MATCHUP

Worst off-court style in the league

Luke Ridnour

Etan Thomas. “Not the worst. It’s just…different.”

Vince Carter. “He wears big Shaq jeans.”

Kurt Thomas

Player most likely to date a Maxim model

Jerryd Bayless

Brandon Jennings

Dwyane Wade

Brandon Jennings

98 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

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“Wanna skinny dip?” she asked. We got excited until she passed the low-fat mayo.

How did you get your start in acting? I played volleyball in high school until I tore my ACL senior year. Then I started modeling, did rehab on my knee, auditioned for Summerland, and moved to L.A. I’ve been here six years now. Do you miss Texas? I really love Texas. I don’t get back there much, but the people are great. There’s no b.s., no hidden agendas. Your costars on Summerland were Ryan Kwanten of True Blood, Zac Efron, and Kellan Lutz. That show sure launched lots of careers. 102 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Yeah, a lot of big names came out of Summerland. And Ryan and I dated for three and a half years. He’s the sweetest. Is it tough seeing your ex get randy on TV? We were still dating when he got the show. If you can’t draw the line between the character and the person, then you probably shouldn’t date an actor. Tell us about your Event character, Vicky. Nice girls aren’t always what they seem. She has a totally different side to her that will be revealed. She could

be perceived as bad, but to her, she’s just doing her job and doing what needs to be done. I don’t think anybody bad thinks they’re bad. She’s very complex and has a lot of tricks up her sleeve. It’s fun to play a character with so many different sides. What “event” in your life would you not want them to make a show out of? If I did have one, I wouldn’t tell. But we can all learn from our mistakes. I usually do. There is a lot of action on The Event. Any crazy moments from the set?

The back tire on my Jeep went missing recently, and I was convinced somebody was playing a joke on me. But I realized we were shooting in a sketchy neighborhood, so it was probably stolen. I wouldn’t put it past anybody to play a practical joke. Did we see you in the Green Hornet trailer? It’s a quick part, but it was really fun working with Seth Rogen, and the director let us do whatever we wanted with the scene. I can’t wait to see how it turns out. What is your guiltiest pleasure? I’m a big eater, so I appreciate a good meal. Sushi is my favorite. What do you look for in a guy? Conﬁdence, but not false conﬁdence, because that’s not attractive. Someone who’s motivated and makes me

laugh. If they just happen to be good-looking, I won’t complain. What turns you off? Jealousy for no reason is my biggest turnoff. If I’m with a guy in a relationship, I want him to feel like he’s king of the world. I don’t want to play games. I want him to know how special he is. What part of your body are you most proud of? My legs take up about 70 percent of my body, and they look great in stilettos. Are you a big partyer? I did the nightlife thing for six years. Lately staying in with friends is more what I like to do. Finally, are you single? I’m excited to be single now, but I tend to jump from relationship to relationship. I fall in love easily. My goal is to be single for at least a year. We’ll see how that goes.

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Mourning the loss of Lost?

The end of 24? The blindingly gorgeous Taylor Cole will get you over it, and fast. This Texas rose is now the breakout babe from The Event, a conspiracy-ﬁlled mindbender eating up DVR space all across this great land of ours. In the show she plays Vicky Roberts, who ﬂips from a bikini-clad damsel in distress to a double-agent femme fatale. But don’t be fooled. There’s more to this gorgeous girl than meets the eye.

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Joe’s Jeans tank. (opposite) Malia Mills bikini top, Frankie B. shorts.

Happiest day ever for our garden gnome

Jackass’ Jackassiest Moments1) In the stunt that started it all, Johnny Knoxville tests self-defense equipment: “Tase me, bro!” 2) Steve-O gets hooked on his role as shark bait. 3) Dave England enjoys a shit sandwich (Kidding! That’s just plain old shit.) 4) Bam Margera throws a haymaker at his long-suffering (and superhumanly tolerant) dad, Phil.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (cocreator, cast member, writer): Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is the oral history of Jackass. As opposed to an anal history—which would be much longer.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Jeﬀ persuaded me to ﬁlm the self-defense piece. I wasn’t an aspiring video guy. The article was my evil attempt at imitating my hero, Hunter S. Thompson.

Aspiring actor and writer PJ Clapp moved to Los Angeles from Tennessee after graduating high school in the late ’80s. After a decade of struggle, Clapp, nicknamed Johnny Knoxville, was married and the father of a young daughter.

JEFF TREMAINE: The guys we had been working with, none of them could really talk to the camera. But Knoxville came back with this footage, and he’s just walking you through, step by step, and you can’t stop watching. Starting with the pepper spray, to the stun gun, and then the Taser gun, and then the bulletproof vest. It was like a snuﬀ video. The cameraman didn’t even want to be there.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I was making my living doing commercials for things like ESPN, Mountain Dew, and Bud Light. I was a complete whore because I had a young baby and I needed to make money. I had an idea for an article where I would test different types of selfdefense equipment on myself. A few magazines wanted the story, but nobody wanted the liability. Everyone was fine with the pepper spray and the stun gun and the Taser gun. Where it got shady was where I was testing a bulletproof vest—with a .38. The only magazine that would do it was Big Brother. TONY HAWK (über-skater, guest star): Big Brother was the rawest and funniest magazine out there, beyond just skateboarding. The articles were dense with sarcasm, shock, and vulgarities. Skaters ate it up. JEFF TREMAINE (cocreator, director, Jackass; editor, Big Brother): One of our first articles was a guide called “How to Kill Yourself.” We had a tiny little staff. Slowly we were collecting people who “got it.” They might not have had the most talent, but they definitely had the larger personalities. Chris Pontius came through that. And I hired “Wee Man” because he worked at the local skate shop and would just come by all the time. He was very unmotivated and a terrible employee. CHRIS PONTIUS (cast member, writer): In the eighth or ninth issue, I was interviewed in Big Brother, and it was pretty wild. I was nude, and I think I wasn’t even 18, so that was naughty. It was obvious I should write for the magazine. It took in the misfits of the skateboard world.

GIDEON YAGO (former MTV News correspondent): I remember seeing that video for the ﬁrst time in 1999 wasted at a friend’s party, which is the way all skate videos are meant to be screened. I think Brian Graden found it the same way.

Rogues’ Gallery MEET THE MEN WHO MADE MILLIONS…BY POOPING ON EACH OTHER.

JEFF TREMAINE: Our ﬁrst video was called Shit. Wee Man was on the cover, painted blue, with orange-dyed hair. Shit was pretty well received, so we decided to make the second video, called Number Two, and that’s when we met Knoxville. He was not a skateboarder, so he had to be even more outrageous to survive. 108 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: We had all these ideas of what a TV show might be. I would be kind of the host, like The Daily Show, and we would have all the guys come on and do stunts. Spike ﬁnally said, “You guys already have the show. The Big Brother videos—that’s the show.” SPIKE JONZE: At the start, when we didn’t know what it was, it could be anything. We thought, “We’ll have 22 minutes on TV every week to do whatever we want. We can do anything. Let’s not underestimate what ‘anything’ is.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE “Fearless Leader, Bull Rider” 39, Knoxville, TN “I love bulls, because they’re so cooperative and predictable. They are just going to try to stomp the fuck out of you.”

STEVE-O (cast member, writer): I made it my mission to track those guys down. My attitude was: Nobody needed to like me. They just needed to put me in the magazine. SPIKE JONZE (cocreator, producer, writer, guest star): In the late ’80s and early ’90s, no one cared about skateboarders. There was no Internet, no other way to communicate, so everyone just made their own videos, and that’s how skateboarding communicated with itself.

BRIAN GRADEN (former president of entertainment, MTV Networks): Johnny was so obviously a TV star, even in that small clip. I thought, Who is this guy?

JASON “WEE MAN” ACUÑA “Kicks-Himself-inthe-Head Dude” 37, Torrance, CA “When I was a little kid, I realized I could do it. I don’t know how it came about; I just tried it and was like, ‘Wow, that does work.’”

Meanwhile, in West Chester, Pennsylvania, pro skateboarder Bam Margera was filming his family and friends. The videos were distributed under the CKY (Camp Kill Yourself) moniker and, like the Big Brother videos, became cult sensations. BAM MARGERA (cast member, writer): We’d go to some park or building to skate ledges or Ollie off the stairs. I wasn’t too liked by the police, but I didn’t really have anything to lose. My aunt gave me an ’89 Buick Regal, so whenever anybody said, “Dude, you’re gonna get sued one day doing this,” I’d say, “Yeah, what are they gonna sue me for? My Buick Regal that my aunt gave me? I don’t care.” RYAN DUNN (cast member, writer): The guys out in L.A. took notice of us. They were wondering who these little jerks were in West Chester doing this ridiculous stuff. BAM MARGERA: I remember when Jeff first called me. He flew me out to L.A., and I played CKY2K for him and Johnny. They just loved it. They were like, “You’d be perfect for Jackass.” Tremaine, Jonze, and Knoxville shopped the Jackass demo footage to various networks. Saturday Night Live offered

1) To add insult to injury, Bam’s not getting just any old brand on his ass—he’s getting a cock and balls branded on his ass. 2) Chris “Party Boy” Pontius shakes his brand-free assets for a Jackass groupie. 3) The crew dons panda costumes for a rampage through Tokyo. 4) “Gee, doctor, I have no idea how that Matchbox car got up there,” says Ryan Dunn.

Knoxville a recurring segment, but the crew decided to go with MTV, which promised to give them more creative control. VAN TOFFLER (president of MTV Networks): We just knew there were a bunch of knuckleheads out there who had a very high tolerance for stupidity and pain. BRIAN GRADEN: We got pitched a stunt show every other week, but when I saw their video, it was clear they were taking such a joy from it. It wasn’t a TV exercise; it was what these guys were doing anyway for their own amusement. You couldn’t fake that, and if we could just preserve it, we had a show.

Jackass premiered on MTV in April 2000 and was a runaway hit. The stars went from unknown to extremely famous overnight. A few even became fantasy boyfriend material. SHANNA ZABLOW (producer): Girls think they’re cute. For me it’s like thinking your own brother’s cute. I think they’re adorable, but I don’t ﬁnd them attractive. There’s a sense of family between the guys. They all really love each other, and I think girls like that. JOHN WATERS (movie director, guest star, national treasure): I’m a big fan of Johnny’s, and I think if I ever were to have a “type,” it would be the Jackass boys.

JASON “WEE MAN” ACUÑA (cast member, writer): Personally, I didn’t think it would transfer into mainstream society. I thought this stuﬀ was only funny in the skateboard community.

GIDEON YAGO: The second it got to a mass audience, it blew the fuck up. And I think, to MTV’s credit, the top execs knew enough to just get out of the way and let those guys do their thing.

DAVE ENGLAND (cast member, writer): I was a total naysayer. I said, “I’ll go ahead and work on it with you guys and get it together,” but I thought MTV would put it on, like, Monday night at 3 A.M. once, and that would be that. “No one’s gonna wanna see this crap.”

SPIKE JONZE: Within a couple of months, Knoxville was on the cover of Rolling Stone.

STEVE-O: Jeff told me to put together all the video footage I had and send it in. A little while later, he told me not a single clip cleared MTV. We weren’t allowed to play with fire, and I was always on fire. We weren’t allowed to jump off stuff higher than a certain height, and I was always on fire and jumping off stuff from too high. So my first thought was, What kind of pussyass show is this? SPIKE JONZE: We weren’t doing anything with permits. We were doing it the way we had done our skate videos, just, you know, a camera, an idea, and a group of friends. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: In one of the earliest pranks, I was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with L.A. COUNTY JAIL written on it. I had a pair of cuffs on, and I went into a hardware store. My face was all dirty, and I was out of breath, and I ran back to the saws and the axes and asked anyone if they would help me. JEFF TREMAINE: He freaked out the employees, and they called the police. Spike and I go out and film Knoxville walking out, and as soon as he does, all these cops roll up and park right in the middle of the street, draw their guns, and yell at him to get on the ground. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I didn’t explain immediately, because I thought, Well, this is footage. In the early days of Jackass, we would just go in anywhere and do pranks like that. Eventually we became smarter and would get a location agreement from a willing store owner first. We’d tip him off and say, “We are coming in to do this prank, but you cannot tell your employees.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It was jarring, but it was a lot of fun. And I probably had a little too much fun. I deﬁnitely didn’t handle it as well as I could have. JEFF TREMAINE: Were some people handling success better than others? Yeah, deﬁnitely. Steve-O was all about fame. He wanted it so bad, whereas Pontius could give two shits. He didn’t change at all. And Bam was already kind of a little celebrity in his world.

STEVE-O “Clown IngesterRegurgitator” 36, Miami, FL “Goldfish swallowing was the first thing I ever filmed for the show. But I was certainly snorting shit way before Jackass.”

BAM MARGERA “Dad Torturer” 31, West Chester, PA “Ever since I was three, me and my dad [Phil] were always wrestling, but over the years I became faster and stronger and he became fatter and slower.”

BRIAN GRADEN: Some of them were having a different ride with the fame. Some actors might dream their whole life of being famous, and I think Johnny had ambitions of that nature, but I’m not sure all the other cast members went out and thought, I’ll do this stuff in my real life: I’ll fall off bridges and end up being famous. BAM MARGERA: Like a light switch, overnight I was the most popular kid in school. It was so fake to me that I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left. Everybody who wouldn’t even give me the time of day—now they want to be my best friend? Despite a warning that ran before every show, on January 26, 2001, Connecticut teen Eric Lind accidentally set himself on fire while trying to emulate Jackass behavior. Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut issued a statement denouncing MTV. Jackass, the improbable pop phenomenon, became a political football. JEFF TREMAINE: We would always watch something to see if it was too imitable. We still do that to this day. TONY HAWK: I think it pushed the limits of what’s appropriate for TV audiences. And because it was daring and edgy, it became conservative America’s call to arms. NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 109

More of Jackass’ Jackassiest Moments1) Wee Man, John Waters, and some fat chick get ready for the world’s sexiest three-way. 2) Preston Lacy’s Eggcellent Adventure ended in heartbreak. And projectile vomiting. 3) Less-Than-Wee Man chases Wee Man through the streets of L.A. 4) Kicking oneself in the head: Do not try this at home.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: We were supposedly the cause of the crumbling of society. That always made us laugh, but when Lieberman got on his high horse, I think in an election year, I took that seriously. And MTV got very, very scared. VAN TOFFLER: We took tons of precautions on set. We had safety people there all the time. We never wanted anyone to get hurt. It’s really sad and unfortunate when stuﬀ like that happens. I’ll leave it at that.

SPIKE JONZE: Then everybody got excited again: It could be rated R! JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It was like someone took the chains oﬀ. Now we could do all the things we couldn’t do on TV. JOHN WATERS: Johnny broke his penis, you know. And I thought, How’d you break your penis? God, I’ve never heard of that!

PRESTON LACY (cast member, writer): It was a strange time. My picture was on 20/20. Me in my underwear. All my family saw it, so I wasn’t a big fan of that. The first idea to be affected by the Lieberman-led backlash was the “Vomlet” sketch, in which Dave England consumes the ingredients for an omelet, then vomits them up into a hot skillet. DAVE ENGLAND: We turned it in to MTV, and they decided the puke fumes were airborne pathogens. I was pretty bummed, because we nailed it the first time. The first time I fed a bite to Steve-O, and he puked all over my leg. MTV’s insistence was to have everyone except me wear a Hazmat suit. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Now you have to heat the omelet to this degree, and you have to be in Hazmat suits. At first we were like, “What? Fuck that. We’re not gonna get in Hazmat suits.” It just sucked the funny right out of it. SPIKE JONZE: MTV got scared, so they pulled back on promoting the show, and it sort of took the steam out of it for us. It wasn’t worth it. VAN TOFFLER: We were symbolic of authority. They didn’t like us drawing lines, which ultimately led to the demise of the show and their going as far as they could.

CHRIS PONTIUS ”Party Boy” 36, Pasadena, CA “The whole nudity thing was something I was always into, ever since I was a little boy. I realized that no matter what you do, if you do it naked it’s a lot funnier.”

RYAN DUNN “The Stunt-Savior” 33, West Chester, PA “We really just got lucky, you know, with the group, ’cause it all formed—all the ingredients made a good soup. We’re like the Wu-Tang Clan.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I felt that we couldn’t do a watereddown version of the show, so I quit. In hindsight I don’t know how smart a move that was, because who did I think I was? I hadn’t had any action for 10 years in Hollywood, and suddenly we have a hit show and I quit? BRIAN GRADEN: I can’t speak to what their emotional ride was. I can only say from the MTV side, it was a gold asset. We didn’t need to promote the thing, because no matter where you put it, it got a giant rating. But they didn’t want to do it anymore. We pulled out every tool we had to encourage them to keep doing it. Even a giant amount of money didn’t motivate them to do it. VAN TOFFLER: We’d launched MTV Films, and I was in search of a sketch movie. Then it hit a bunch of us: “Well, we have the franchise, and it’s called Jackass.” 110 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

EHREN McGHEHEY “Mr. Danger” 33, Portland, OR “It’s an alter ego I created when I was young. I owned a neck brace, arm sling, leg brace, crutches, and ankle brace, and then put on that jumpsuit:’Danger Ehren.’”

Jackass: The Movie debuted at number one on October 25, 2002, grossing nearly $23 million its first weekend. The New York Times has since called it “probably the most successful plotless movie in American film history.” In 2003 MTV aired Jackass spin-offs with Steve-O and Pontius (Wild Boyz) and Margera (Viva La Bam). Next was a sequel, Number Two. It opened at number one in September 2006, and while it packs the laughs from the start, they save the best for the climax: “Terror Taxi,” in which “Danger Ehren” McGhehey, dressed as an Arab suicide bomber, hails a cab, not knowing the driver (actor Jay Chandrasekhar) is in on the joke—or that his own beard is made of pubes. Jay pulls him out at gunpoint and locks him in the trunk. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Yeah, when we do pranks, we always try to play it as real as possible, because usually what we’re doing is a little over the top. Jay played it wonderfully, and Ehren just bought it hook, line, and sinker. JEFF TREMAINE: The original idea was, like, “All right, how can we get someone to eat his own pubic hair?” and I think it was Preston then who said, “Well, what if we make a beard out of it? What if we did a bit where we convinced Ehren that we’re gonna dress him up as a terrorist and glue this pubic hair all over his face?” “DANGER EHREN” MCGHEHEY (cast member, writer): If I can make the world laugh by putting pubes on my face, fuck it. Pube away. On February 23, 2008, MTV welcomed the Jackass crew back to television for “Jackassworld.com: 24 Hour Takeover,” to promote the crew’s new Web site. Steve-O, whose substance abuse had gotten out of control, was kicked out of MTV’s studios. BAM MARGERA: Steve-O was pretty much 24/7 out of his mind. He’d wake up to nitrous balloons, then drink a vodka and grapefruit juice, snort a line of special K and then a line of coke, and then smoke PCP with weed in it. Seriously, anything you can think of, he would do. He was on this path of pure destruction. JEFF TREMAINE: Steve-O was spinning off his rails. We were starting to lose him to drugs. Alcohol and drugs. STEVE-O: I felt like the process of using all this opportunity that came with notoriety was immediately causing me to hurt people I loved.

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1) Johnny Knoxville and Spike Jonze go undercover on the Boca Raton swingers circuit. 2) What’s scarier than a terrorist on the loose? Ehren McGhehey’s pube beard. 3) Knoxville, back on the senior swingers scene, this time with a never-tougher-looking Henry Rollins in tow. 4) Bam takes one for the team as Tony Hawk tries to keep from barﬁng.

SHANNA ZABLOW: It was a blurry line, because part of Jackass is partying. We like to go out and get wasted and have a good time. And that line got blurry with Steve-O. It was part of his persona, and what he got paid to do is be that crazy wasted guy. But he crossed the line, and it wasn’t fun anymore. It got really dark and scary. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: He was honestly getting pretty close to death. We would have to sit him down and say, “You’ve got to cool it.” We had to have a talk with him for putting a hit out on one of the guys who works at Jackassworld. I was like, “Steve-O, you’ve got to quit putting hits out. Please stop that.” Steve-O wouldn’t hurt a ﬂy, but he was oﬀ his nutter then. Most of the time that fell on deaf ears, until the last time, when we took him to the psych ward.

Instead, you’re going to see my dick sneaking up on Chris Pontius while he’s sleeping, and then all of a sudden you’ll see a yellow piss stream coming out of the screen, and you’ll realize it’s my dick pissing on Pontius. SHANNA ZABLOW: There’s one bit in the new movie called “The Sweatsuit Cocktail.” Preston walks on a StairMaster and starts to sweat. He’s wearing one of those outﬁts athletes wear to build up sweat. Then Steve-O takes the sweat and drinks it and throws up. Puking still gets me every time. Poo I’ve gotten used to, especially after all these years. JEFF TREMAINE: It’s not hard to imagine us going on. Other than the fact that I’ve got to keep the guys alive.

JEFF TREMAINE: We went over and didn’t negotiate with him at all. I didn’t think it was going to work, but we had to at least get him to the hospital. I never fully believed he’d want to get sober. His heroes were all crash-and-burn, like Mötley Crüe. He worshiped them when they were at their worst and disrespected them for getting sober.

DAVE ENGLAND: Obviously injuries catch up to us, but as far as our creativity and our spirit, they’re strong. I’m not just saying that because I want you to go to the movie. I want you to go there and get 3D shit on your face.

STEVE-O: Everyone involved in Jackass has had to put up with me being a real burden, a super-annoying guy, and it’s a blessing for me to be able to work with everybody and not be that guy anymore.

VAN TOFFLER: Jackass is so much more than a succession of stunts. You couldn’t explain the female appeal of Jackass if it were. It is about a bunch of guys getting oﬀ on each other. RYAN DUNN: Yeah, you can consider us a gang. We don’t have jackets or anything, but we’ll be family forever.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I’m completely blown away by how well he’s doing now—so honestly proud of him and how healthy he is and how he’s helping other people get sober. He’s a strong motherfucker. BAM MARGERA: It’s actually funny, because he totally does the whole 12-step thing, and one of them is apologizing for all the shit-talking you’ve been doing. He came up on the set and went, “Hey, bro, if I ever talked any shit about you, if you feel bad about it, you can totally kick me in the nuts or punch me in the face, ’cause I totally deserve it.” I broke his nose. So I guess that handles that. All is forgiven. As with the Jaws franchise before it, the third Jackass ﬁlm would be in 3D. This was in 2008, i.e., a pre-Avatar universe.

CHRIS PONTIUS: With everything we’ve done, we’ve all said, “This is the last time,” and something always happens. We get bored and want something adventurous. But I honestly don’t think we’ll do Jackass when we’re 50. PRESTON LACY “Fat Guy/S&M Dude” 41, Carthage, MO “I did a thing back in the series where these two dominatrices beat me up with paddles and whips. My safe word was ‘Oklahoma.’ ”

RYAN DUNN: When Tremaine called me and said he was thinking about doing another movie and told me he was doing it in 3D, I was apprehensive. I was wary of the idea, just picturing the old red-and-blue glasses and stuff. But once I started seeing the footage, I was blown away. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It’s like giving chimpanzees a bunch of expensive equipment. SPIKE JONZE: The funny stuff was that much funnier. The gross stuff was that much grosser. BAM MARGERA: It’s the first time anybody has put a movie out that’s 3D that isn’t, like, Avatar or Clash of the Titans. 112 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

JASON “WEE MAN” ACUÑA: I think we’ll be like the Rolling Stones, doing it until we’re in our 60s. BAM MARGERA: If you’re on the set, you’re gonna get messed with, whether you’re cast or crew. I feel so unsafe. Full-blown paranoia. If you’re tired, you can’t even sleep, because you’ll deﬁnitely get stun-gunned or peed on. I’m sure I’ll be in a wheelchair by the time I’m 40, if I even make it there. JOHN WATERS: You know, when I retire I want to go to the Jackass nursing home. That’s where I want to retire.

DAVE ENGLAND “Shit Master” 40, Ventura, CA “Shit is an integral part of Jackass. I can shit on command. I don’t know why other people can’t.”

JEFF TREMAINE: Do I see myself doing it at 70? No, not at all. But that’s not to say I won’t be. We never thought we’d be doing it this long. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I got in the best shape I’ve ever been in my life for this movie. I blew my back out over the years and it was really giving me problems, so I was exercising to get my back better. It’s like wrapping a present for Christmas. You wrap it real nice and neat, and then Christmas morning you just tear the hell out of it.

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118 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

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A D VE RT I S E M E N T

“We lie and make you think we’re actually into you, when really we just want you to buy us a drink!”

Lindsey Murrieta, CA Fuego: 20% Phoenix: 25% Vixin: 55%

Danielle Chicago, IL Fuego: 32% Phoenix: 16% Vixin: 52%

“I’m a professional model and actress. I spend half my life in my underwear.”

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WHOSE CURVES ARE RIGHT FOR YOU?

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A D VE RT I S E M E N T

MEET

CAROLINA DEL FUEGO

MEET

KIMBERLY PHOENIX

MEET

IMA VIXIN

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“I’m a great Pivot! ...female version of a ‘Wing-Man.’ Every guy needs one.”

MC Houston, TX Fuego: 54% Phoenix: 30% Vixin: 16%

Meredith West Harwich, MA Fuego: 19% Phoenix: 68% Vixin: 13%

“I can see cows from my sorority house.”

LOTUS

TRON

PICTURED ELITE • AS UNSEEN IN SPEC CHECK ARRIVAL: APRIL 2014 • PRICE: TBD • ENGINE: 5.0-LITER V-8 • HORSEPOWER: 542 TORQUE: TBD • 0–60 MPH: 3.5 SECONDS • TOP SPEED: TBD This slippery sportster is the coolest car built by British manufacturer Lotus since the Esprit S1 piloted by James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me. Sure, the Elite won’t turn into a submarine like Bond’s Esprit, but its performance on dry land—a romp to 60 mph in just over three seconds with a

couple of Bond girls in the backseat—should be enough for us, thanks. The car is part of an onslaught of sexy new rides to come from the limeys at Lotus in an effort to bring the brand back into the top tier with builders like Ferrari, Lambor-

ghini, and Aston Martin (Bond’s main modern-day ride). This hot hybrid’s tricks might do just that. Two electric motors can propel the car by themselves or work in tandem with its twinturbocharged V-8 engine to provide a push-button boost of power. Looks like Lotus is back. Best get outta the way. ≥≥

ELECTRIC POWER IS RECAPTURED DURING BRAKING AND DECELERATION.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 123

PICTURED PORSCHE 918 SPYDER • AS UNSEEN IN THE BLUES BROTHERS SPEC CHECK ARRIVAL: TBD • PRICE: $625,000 (EST.) • ENGINE: 3.4-LITER V-8 WITH THREE ELECTRIC MOTORS HORSEPOWER: 718 • TORQUE: N/A • 0–60 MPH: 3.0 SECONDS (EST.) • TOP SPEED: 198 MPH (EST.) If the term “hybrid car” evokes thoughts of the fun-killing Toyota Prius, prepare for your little mind to melt. With its next elite supercar, Porsche will ﬂip the script on the H-word by combining a V-8 gas engine with three electric motors. The purpose? Just. Go. Faster. (Oh, yeah, and, uh, save the Earth. Heh.) The stunning speedster’s 3.4-liter V-8 engine will put out a whopping 500 horsepower and work in tandem with three battery-powered electric motors to call up an additional 218 ponies anytime you click a wheelmounted “E-Boost” button, Speed Racer–style. You’ll also be able to shut the gas engine off and drive on pure battery power, allowing for one long, silent 16-mile cruise. You’ll hear everything they’re saying about you. ≥≥

REAR HOODS RAM AIR INTO THE ENGINE.

124 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Any car can offer a hands-free calling device. Only the Fiesta offers voice-activated SYNC. With SYNC, you can use your voice to do a whole lot more than just make calls. After all, it’s one of the most advanced communications systems you can ﬁnd in a car.* All at a price that will leave you, well, speechless.

IT’S A PRETTY BIG DEAL.

INTRODUCING THE NEW FIESTA fordvehicles.com

*Class is Compact Cars vs. 2010 competitors. Optional feature. Driving while distracted can result in loss of vehicle control. Only use mobile phones and other devices, even with voice commands, when it is safe to do so.

PICTURED

LAMBORGHINI SESTO ELEMENTO AS UNSEEN IN

THE CANNONBALL RUN SPEC CHECK

ARRIVAL: UNDETERMINED • PRICE: N/A ENGINE: 5.2-LITER V-10 HORSEPOWER: 570 • TORQUE: 398 LB.-FT. 0–60 MPH: 2.5 SECONDS (EST.) TOP SPEED: TBD Translated from the Italian, Lambo’s latest concept is named for the “sixth element,” carbon, because its monocoque shell (stop giggling) and a majority of the car’s parts—brake discs, exhaust system, even its suspension— are made from carbon composites. The ultralight, ultra-sturdy material is used for better handling, quicker acceleration, and, uh,making the Sesto Elemento look just appropriately extreme enough to be the brand’s next halo car. Although Lambo hasn’t announced plans to produce this exact model, we’d make a bet that both its carbon-ﬁber fetish and its Darth Maul-does-origami design language make it to the Bull’s next-gen supercar. We think that’s Awesomum.

TWO FUEL TANKS MAKE FOR FASTER FILL-UPS. 126 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Perfection has a darker side.

An extraordinary blend of Patrón tequila and the pure, natural essence of the finest coffee.

simply perfect. simplyperfect.com

Adnan Shu kr

ijumah Bin Laden’s ne w fuckhead-in of terror attack -chief 9/11 mastermis took over for the nd and is belie to be respon ved New York City sible for a failed at reports direc tack in 2009. He Threat level: tly to bin Laden. and outs of AmAdnan knows the ins raised in a Mi erica, having been years. Does anami suburb for 15 yt happen in Flo hing good ever rida? Ever?

Nazario Moreno González, a.k.a. El Más Loco (the Craziest)

This Mexican drug lord is known for “corpse messaging”: leaving dead bodies in the streets with warnings attached and rolling severed heads into rival areas. Threat level: Even other murderous Mexicans call him El Más Loco. If you’re south of the border, keep your head down (especially if one rolls past you).

Mark Zuckerberg

Despite rescinding Facebook’s scary antiprivacy push, the baby-faced CEO hasn’t stopped thinking about how to peddle your personal info to advertisers. Threat level: With 500 million users and counting, you can bet on more annoying people from your past “friending” you, then posting updates about their toddler’s potty-training progress three times a day.

General Butt Naked

Killer The Serial-rs ke c u Tr 500

at more than The FBI says th rs of prostitutes, de unsolved murd stranded motorists hitchhikers, anhways can be linked to along U.S. hig ul truckers who pick psycho long-haon the interstate. ly up victims You’re probab Threat level: u happen to be safe unless yoat a truck stop, in turning tricks u should probably which case yock to work! get ba

128 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Joshua Milton Blahyi, the Liberian warlord, fought informer the and devoured the hearts of nude children before battle while slain lead his troops to slaughter 20,0 ing 00 during a bloody civil war. Threat level: Now an evangelic preacher, General Naked al renounced his ultraviolent has though we’d recommend scrupast, his church’s pews with a Wet bbing -Nap before sitting down.

Kim Jong Il

The nutty North Korean supreme leader has nukes to spare. On the other hand, he wears a jumpsuit and Elvis shades and keeps a stable of sexpots called the Pleasure Brigade. Threat level: With the world’s fourth largest army, this daffy despot is no joke, despite insisting that “a double rainbow appeared over the mountain” after he was born.

THREAT KEY

By Chris Wilson Icons by Quickhoney

CRAZY

CANNIBALISM

VIOLENT

NUKES

OPRAH

BAD HAIR

CRAZY STRONG

ANNOYING

SEX

PENIS LASER

DRUGS

RELIGION

Religion Penis Lazer

Christopher “Dudus” Coke

This awesomely named alleged Jamaican drug lord—whose “Shower Posse” gang has waged deadly street battles with Jamaican soldiers—was arrested in New York dressed in drag. Threat level: Not high unless you’re the top tranny in whatever jail he’s heading to: Coke’s girly getup is impressively reminiscent of Martin Lawrence as Sheneneh.

avickas Zydrunas S t Man

ronges The World’s St held 40 world s titleholder ha rious events records in va ely crush your lik and can most cantaloupe. head like a been If you’ve ever Threat level: tching World’s sucked into wa n contests on Strongest Ma derstand the ESPN2, you un otic power of strangely hypncompetitions. boulder-lifting

Brian Austin Green

James Arthur Ray

Oprah-approved self-help guru’s advocacy of extreme sweat lodges allegedly led to the deaths of three followers in an ovenlike teepee. Threat level: Now that he’s facing manslaughter charges, it’s unlikely Ray will be luring anyone into a 150-degree hot pocket of doom, unless you count the Dutch oven he'll probably give his cellmate.

Robert Gle as

on Jr. This convicted people desper murderer of two executed. So ately wants to be m authorities at uch so that he told that if they did his Virginia prison again. They ignn’t off him, he’d kill to his word, Glored his plea; true another inmat eason strangled e with a bedshe et. Threat lev thought abou el: If you’ve t stealing cable lately, let th “scared stra is be your ight” moment.

A.Q. Khan

i Dateline NBC said this Pakistan st nuke dealer could be the “mo ld.” dangerous man in the wor line Impressive given that Date s of brought us the chat-room troll To Catch a Predator. Threat level: If a terrorist may , we detonates a suitcase nuke have Khan to thank. But at least he’s never been ﬁlmed bringing wine coolers to a 12-year-old girl’s house.

His marriage to Megan suggests the 90210 alum is Fox actu an all-powerful warlock who ally can shoot lasers out of his peni Threat level: Besides wed s. the world’s hottest woman,ding Notorious B.A.G. lived withthe Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and knocked up Vanessa Marcil. Bria for those about to touch your n, magic wand, we salute you.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 129

“Hey, buddy, my tattoo is up here.”

say hello to melissa satta, an italiana so sexy that she’s resistant to all known forms of clothing (except bikinis).

by paolo giovanazzi photographs by nicola favaron

If there is one thing Italy’s famous for the world over, it’s how good their plumbers are at stomping on turtles. Also? Producing women so attractive that grown men are reduced to quivering heaps at the mere mention of them. Case in point: Melissa Satta, karate champion (ouch!), model (yay!), and gf of Italian soccer superstar Christian Vieri (ouch again!).

You’ve been famous in Italy for years and ﬁnally made an American splash in this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Please tell us we’ll be seeing more of you in the U.S. of A. I am trying. I’m working as I do with my career in Italy. There are some things in dance, but I can’t speak about it—we have to wait until commitments are set. Is it annoying to be labeled a WAG? It’s a funny saying. If someone doesn’t like

it, maybe it’s better they don’t get engaged to a footballer, don’t you think? What’s a big difference between life in Italy vs. America? Americans are very rigorous about work. Here we seldom reach those levels. Pics of you shopping have appeared on the Web, and you’re deﬁned as a “shoe collector.” Is it true? Sure, I like shoes, but I’m not a maniac. Can you explain to us something of women’s mania for shoes that men fail to understand? There are things that cannot be explained. It’s like men’s passion for soccer. Also, it is not true that men don’t understand; many are equally passionate about shopping.

THE B. COMPANY

Guilty as charged!

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 131

ARRESTED 5/26/10

SCARFACE IN STILETTOS

ANGIE SANCLEMENTE WAS A COLOMBIAN BEAUTY QUEEN AND TV STAR WHO AUTHORITIES SAY BECAME A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND. BUT WAS SHE REALLY A FEMALE TONY MONTANA, WITH A TEAM OF MODELS MOVING TONS OF COCAINE FROM SOUTH AMERICA TO MEXICO AND BEYOND, OR JUST AN UNLUCKY BOMBSHELL CAUGHT IN A WEB OF DECEIT? INSIDE THE RISE AND FALL OF A PINUP GIRL. BY MARK EBNER

DRUG LORD OR PRETTY FACE? ANGIE MAINTAINS HER INNOCENCE: “I’VE NEVER STOLEN ANYTHING, NEVER ACTED WRONG IN ANY WAY.”

ON DECEMBER 13, 2009, MARIA NOEL LOPEZ IGLESIAS MADE HER WAY THROUGH EZEIZA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT IN BUENOS AIRES, BENEATH THE GAZE OF THE SOCCER STARS AND SUPERMODELS THAT LOOM ON GIANT BILLBOARDS HANGING FROM A VAST STEEL-RIBBED VAULT ABOVE. IT WAS THE HEIGHT OF THE TRAVEL SEASON, AND MARIA WAS HEADED FOR MEXICO CITY AND THEN ON TO CANCÚN. BY ALL APPEARANCES THERE WAS NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THE BEAUTIFUL 21-YEAR-OLD WEAVING HER WAY THROUGH THE TERMINAL. SHE’D PASSED THROUGH SECUR ITY WITHOUT INCIDENT, MADE IT THROUGH CUSTOMS, AND NOW SAT AT GATE 7, WAITING TO BOARD FLIGHT 1692. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

The plan was simple, and in fact, she’d made a practice run just 10 days before. Her boyfriend had given her a lift to the airport that morning, and a friend helped her with the two large suitcases wrapped in plastic (a common security measure taken by passengers after a scandal two years before revealed that operators allegedly stole everything from laptops to jewelry out of baggage before loading it onto outgoing flights). Besides, Maria had been assured that both here in Argentina and in Mexico, all the potential obstacles had been taken care of. In CancÚn she’d meet her Mexican contact at the airport, hand off the bags, and then head to a luxury hotel, where she could relax before dinner and a night of clubbing. In the morning it was back to Buenos Aires, several thousand dollars richer for a few days’ work. Easy money. Then came an announcement over the loudspeaker calling her to baggage claim. Maria could have just walked away, gone back home, and tried for the easy money another day. But she didn’t; instead, as directed, Maria Noel Lopez Iglesias reported to baggage claim, where she was ordered to open her luggage. Inside were 50 bricks of cocaine tightly wrapped in clingy green plastic, covered in a blanket and a beach towel. The total haul was worth upwards of $3 million on the street. After being taken into custody, Maria told authorities everything she knew and was released without charges being filed. This routine drug bust, once the plot behind it began to unravel, revealed a tale that would capture the imaginations of the gossiphungry public throughout the world. It would take five months before all the main players had been rounded up, but long before then the story of Angela Sanclemente Valencia, the “Narco Queen,” was splashed across newspapers from Argentina to Australia.

MODEL-SLASH-ACTRESS-SLASH-DRUG LORD? According to authorities, Angie Sanclemente, a Colombian beauty queen and actress, was the ringleader behind an international drug-trafficking ring that used models like Maria as drug mules. It’s a story that could have been penned by Quentin Tarantino, replete with characters dubbed the Monster, the Dwarf, the Nose, the Fat Man, and the Diamond. There was Maria, the naïve looker busted at the airport; her boyfriend, Ariel Letizia, a beefy, drug-addled modelwrangler and party boy charged with hiring the smugglers; his old acquaintance Nicolas Gualco, a lean male model and international striver whose uncle was allegedly the cocaine source; and finally, there was Angie, Nicolas’ fiancée, a petite exotic beauty and the alleged mastermind of the whole operation. The basic outline was this: While working as a model and actress, Angie allegedly marries a drug-trafficking kingpin known as the Monster and stays with him just long enough to learn the tricks of 134 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

the trade. After leaving him, and in concert with her new boyfriend, she launches her own operation, using her fellow models as mules. She successfully runs several tons of product out of South America, through Mexico, and on to Europe and the United States, until one of her models gets busted and the whole thing falls apart. Angie’s technique was simplicity itself. Instead of having couriers swallow condoms full of coke or disguising it as Virgin Mary statuettes or frozen mango purée, she had professional beauties pack 100 pounds of the stuﬀ in their luggage and wear a skimpy dress through customs, where minimum-wage oﬃcials would fall all over themselves trying to expedite their clearance. It’s a great story—so great that it has already inspired a Spanish-language TV series. But Angie’s brazenness may have been her undoing. Even on the run with an international warrant from Interpol hanging over her head, the model-actress couldn’t resist the limelight, sending Facebook messages to the media and even granting interviews. Beautiful but reckless, Angie was like Tony Montana in stilettos. “She’s a big player in the South American drug trade,” according to a senior Argentine investigator, “and that’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars—perhaps billions.” But the truth is as twisted as the Colombian slums in which the “Narco Queen” was raised, a story of glamour and drugs, models and crime lords, where nothing is quite what it seems.

OUT OF THE CAULDRON AND INTO THE FIRE Angela Sanclemente Valencia was born on May 25, 1979 in Bogotá, Colombia, and raised in Barranquilla, a city of 1.7 million on the Caribbean, famous as the birthplace of such bombshells as Sofia Vergara and Shakira and where the North Coast drug cartel wreaked havoc in the ’90s. In a place where sex and crime blended seamlessly and beauty was prized above all else, an ambitious girl blessed with exotic looks—a girl like Angie Sanclemente—could raise herself up and find her way in the world. “Angie was always such a sweet girl,” says her mother, Jeanneth Valencia. “She never spoke much and was always very conservative. The other girls at her school, who wore their skirts up high, would make fun of the way she dressed.” The story Jeanneth tells is of a poor but determined girl who longed to escape her station in life. Sitting in a Buenos Aires pensione, the unassuming 51-year-old is both dignified and weary, with just a trace of the beauty queen she almost was, an ambition she transferred to her only child. From early childhood Angie competed in beauty pageants, and while at 5'3" she was too short for a career as a runway model, she studied ballet, modern dance, voice, and acting. In 2000 she was crowned Colombia’s “Queens of Coffee,” an important step before Miss Colombia and then Miss Universe, only to be stripped of her title when it was revealed that she’d been briefly married to a businessman a decade her senior. “She didn’t know the rules,” says Jeanneth. “But it was a big scandal, all over the newspapers.” For girls growing up in Colombia, beauty pageants are a common childhood dream, but the criminal element was always lurking in the shadows. It was not uncommon for drug lords to sponsor contestants; according to Jeanneth, it was to avoid such entanglements that Angie decamped to Mexico. “At the beginning it was very hard for Angie,” she says. “She would work trade shows and do catalogs and beach photos for magazines. She was hungry.” But before long Angie was making appearances on Mexican TV and began to indulge in Mexico City’s nightlife, where models, moguls, athletes, and crime lords mixed, and where—at a club in the fall of 2008—Angie met Nicolas Gualco.

THE MODEL AND THE MONSTER A tall, dark Argentine bearing more than a slight resemblance to Madonna’s current boy toy, Jesus Luz, Nicolas had come to Mexico three years earlier. Six-foot-two, with bright blue deep-set eyes, strong, angular features, and the long unruly hair of a South American soccer star, Nicolas was the archetypal Latin lover. In addition to

THE STRANGE JOURNEY OF ANGIE SANCLEMENTE TOOK HER FROM COLOMBIAN “QUEEN OF COFFEE” IN 2000 (1) TO INTERNATIONAL FUGITIVE (2) IN MAY 2010. ALONG THE WAY SHE STARRED IN TV MOVIES IN MEXICO, POSED FOR COUNTLESS PHOTO SHOOTS, AND MET HER FIANCÉ, NICOLAS GUALCO (3). TODAY, AS SHE SITS IN PRISON, HER MOTHER JEANNETH (4) PETITIONS FOR HER RELEASE.

his work on the catwalk and in advertising campaigns, Nicolas had a sideline connecting wealthy businessmen with the willing young women in his circle. It wasn’t prostitution, exactly, but it wasn’t far off. He describes the Mexico City nightlife as rife with danger, where “tramps, footballers, and narcos” all mingled, and where talking to the wrong woman could get you shot. According to Nicolas, however, everything changed the night he met Angie. “It’s very funny,” he recalled 18 months later. “We looked at each other from across the club for two hours before I finally spoke to her. Two weeks later we were looking for an apartment together.” “Nicolas was a lonely guy, with no family [in Mexico]—nothing,” says Jeanneth. “But the guy was like gold. Last Christmas Angie came to Buenos Aires to meet his family and to get married.” Court documents claim that, according to those who knew her, Angie’s time in Mexico may not have been quite so innocent—that she allegedly became involved in the city’s vibrant drug scene and had a second short-lived marriage, this time to the mysterious crime lord known as the Monster. A shadowy figure, variously described as Mexican or Colombian, the Monster is believed to be Victor Girao Alatrista. According to Claudio Izaguirre of the Anti-Drug Association of Argentina, Alatrista built a network smuggling cocaine base paste from Peru to Argentina, where it was refined to 98 percent pure cocaine. The Monster “organized an army of recruiters and mules, of which Angie was a key player, first in Mexico, and then in Argentina,” said Izaguirre. According to authorities, Angie and her new boyfriend teamed up to run the operation out of Buenos Aires, and their trip to Argentina was for more than just planning a wedding.

A CONSPIRACY OF DUNCES In late November, Nicolas returned to Buenos Aires for the first time in three years, and on one of his first nights back he ran into an old acquaintance from his hometown. Ariel Letizia, 25, dabbled in modeling in addition to working as a personal trainer and petty drug dealer. Nicknamed Kid Ephedrine, he lived in a trendy neighborhood and helped support himself by supplying well-to-do jet-setters with weed, cocaine, and speed. According to Ariel’s court testimony, Nicolas claimed to be involved in the drug trade and was anxious to find some girls to use as couriers. Since Ariel had a gig booking models for events in and around Buenos Aires, he was the perfect guy for the job. According to Nicolas, the girls needed to be beautiful enough to charm the customs officials but not so glamorous as to arouse suspicion. The product would allegedly come from his uncle, Daniel Monroy, but to get the drugs into Mexico and then Europe, they needed help, which was where Ariel and his girls came in. Nicolas wanted to make a shipment every 24 hours, for which he would pay $7,000 ($5,000 to the courier and a $2,000 finder’s fee for Ariel). It was a good deal and, Nicolas assured him, virtually risk-free. The Mexican connection, Nicolas explained, was his fiancée, a Colombian model named Angie, who was due to arrive in Buenos Aires on December 7, 2009 to coordinate the plan. On Saturday, November 29, Ariel arrived at the Hotel Embassy to meet with Nicolas and his uncle. The pair were eager to get going, and they asked Ariel if he’d found a girl to make a practice run. He had just the person: his girlfriend, Maria Noel Lopez Iglesias. Just over a week later, Angie arrived in Buenos Aires on a first-class ticket with her two cats and pet Pomeranian Stuart in tow. According to Ariel, he first met the alleged queen pin at a luxury hotel five days later. Angie was sitting on the bed watching TV while Nicolas and his partner packed bricks of cocaine into two suitcases, rubbing them with soap (to throw off drug-sniffing dogs) and covering them with plastic wrap. Ariel’s instructions were clear: drive his girlfriend to the appointed rendezvous and wait to cash in. The next day, on the evening of December 13, Ariel was anxiously awaiting word from Maria. That morning he had driven her to the designated meeting place, the first step on her trip to Mexico as a 136 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

drug mule. But when Maria called to report that something had gone wrong, paranoia set in. Angie ordered everyone to abandon their hotels and stand by for further instructions. So now Ariel found himself sitting at his kitchen table nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Suddenly there was a loud crack, and Ariel looked up to see a swarm of policemen in riot gear pouring through his front door. Leaping to his feet, Ariel bolted for the second-floor balcony and jumped, injuring his leg and rendering himself incapacitated MAXIM’S “HAULS OF FAME” as the police bore down. Inside Ariel’s apartment, the police discovered marijuana and cocaine, and he was quickly hustled off in handcuffs and taken into WHEN: March 2007 WHERE: Off the coast of Panama custody. Then he started talking. WHAT: 38,000 pounds of cocaine. The story he spilled was They should have tried Paris Hilton’s outrageous, but just plausible “I thought it was gum” excuse. enough for the authorities to STREET VALUE: $500 million believe it. Meanwhile, as news of the failed operation made its way back to Angie and the rest of the crew, they went into WHEN: June 2007 crisis mode. The Mexicans were WHERE: Melbourne, Australia demanding to know what had WHAT: 15 million tablets of ecstasy, gone wrong, Daniel was trying packed in tomato cans sent from to hire a lawyer, Nicolas was in Italy. Now that’s a tasty hallucination! STREET VALUE: $309 million a full-blown panic, and Angie was trying to manage the whole thing. In the end, they fled.

WE LIKE BIG BUSTS

WHEN: June 2008 WHERE: Afghanistan WHAT: 260 tons of hashish discovered by authorities in Kandahar, weighing as much as 30 double-decker buses, or enough to get Snoop high for two weeks. STREET VALUE: $307 million

ANGIE ON THE RUN

By late May, Angie had been on the run for five months, her legend growing by the day. But despite her status as a celebrity fugitive, the Narco Queen wasn’t completely cut off. In March she’d sent CNN a Facebook message proclaiming her innocence. “I don’t want to go to jail, and don’t deserve it,” she wrote. “I WHEN: March 2009 am innocent.” WHERE: Barcelona, Spain Two weeks later Angie WHAT: A 42-piece set of crockery made of compressed cocaine. checked into the $16-a-night Pablo Escobar would have loved it. K-Lodges hostel on the outskirts STREET VALUE: $1.2 million of Buenos Aires’ trendy Palermo district. According to court records, she used a fake Colombian passport in the name of Ana Lucia Ballent and took a WHEN: June 2010 single room. Swaddled in baggy WHERE: U.S.-Mexican border WHAT: 1,200 pounds of meth, two hooded sweatshirts and with tons of coke, 1,400 pounds of heroin, her hair shorter and blonder 69 tons of pot, and countless than in her pinup photos, Angie counterfeit breakfast burritos. was virtually unrecognizable. STREET VALUE: $661.6 million On May 20 Angie surfaced in the form of an interview with the Colombian newspaper El Tiempo, ready to tell her side of the story, which was a far cry from Ariel Letizia’s tale of coke-smuggling models and Mexican drug lords. Angie claimed that on the day she arrived in Buenos Aires to meet Nicolas’ family and plan her wedding, she and her fiancé traveled to Mar del Plata to visit his uncle Daniel. A hulking mixed martial artist with a buzz cut, prominent nose, and tribal tattoos snaking around his torso, Daniel was a formidable presence. Nicolas had warned

prison yard seems almost sexless, emaciated, mostly skin and bones. It’s a far cry from either the pinup queen of her posters or the Narco Queen of her legend. She is dressed in dark blue jeans, a beige sweater, and basketball sneakers. “They don’t let anybody wear black clothes in here,” she says, shrugging. “And all my clothes are black.” Angie’s hair is a dusky blonde and hangs loosely around her bony shoulders. The only indications of her former glamour are her eyes and hands, which are immaculately groomed, and her sparkling white teeth. The rest of her seems to vanish into thin air. “I was two months pregnant, but I lost the baby,” she says. “I can’t take this anymore.” While Angie steadfastly maintains her innocence, the government’s case against her rests on a series of wiretaps and text messages between her alleged coconspirators and a woman called “the Diamond” immediately after the December bust. Outside of Ariel’s testimony, there is no other direct evidence linking her to the case. In a text soon after the bust, Nicolas beseeched Angie to “speak with my uncle,” and promised, “I will disentangle you from everything.” Later Daniel placed a call to an unidentified woman with a Colombian accent who answered to the name the Diamond, asking her to smooth things over with the Mexicans. On January 6, Daniel and Nicolas were both arrested. Based on certain terms of endearment used in the texts and a voice analysis of the wiretap, the authorities claim that the Diamond is in fact Angie. By establishing an intermediary link between Daniel and Nicolas on the one hand and the Mexican connection on the other, the government infers that Angie—the Diamond— was supervising the entire operation. NO LONGER AN INTERNATIONAL GLAMOUR According to an Interpol investigator, “SevA MODEL, IDIOT MODEL, ANGIE SANCLEMENTE TODAY eral female drug mules we’ve arrested in reSitting in the Villa Devoto Detention FACES UP TO 16 YEARS BEHIND BARS. cent times have direct links to Sanclemente. Institute—described as “the darkest penal A few have negotiated reduced sentences for hellhole in all of Argentina”—Nicolas Gualco information that they’ve been recruited to looks like a broken man. A day after Angie’s carry cocaine on flights out of Argentina to other markets. arrest, he remains adamant about both his own innocence and his “We’ve been looking at her activities for a considerable time, and, fiancée’s. Both, he claims, are patsies who got caught up in a world based on those who’ve squealed, she’s running a big operation.” beyond their comprehension. “I like luxury, to have a good life, you While hardly an airtight case, it may not matter. Angie says she is know. But I work for that,” says Nicolas. “The real people involved in this—who were caught at the airport, who delivered drugs, who hired broke, without a lawyer, and powerless to fight the charges against her. Facing up to 16 years behind bars, today she spends most of her the girls—well, they are all free and out on the street, and the only time scrubbing toilets or cooking for the 13 other women in her cellone left in jail is me. And I’m not related to any of these guys! block. She is openly frightened of the rest of the prison population; Everybody knows I’m not in the drug trade. I’m just a male model.” it’s widely assumed that she has a lot of money stashed away, and According to Nicolas, he returned to Buenos Aires from Mexico in her fellow prisoners want a piece. order to plan his wedding. He admits that soon after he arrived, he “They blame everything on me because I am from Colombia— met up with Ariel, his old acquaintance. “If you are in town and want that’s the reason I’m here. The judge, too! He thinks, Well, she’s drugs,” says Nicolas, “Ariel is your guy.” Nicolas also confirms that Colombian and lived in Mexico, and that’s it!” she says. “I have nothhe drove Maria to the airport on the morning of her practice run, but ing against Argentina. It’s a beautiful country, and my boyfriend is claims he was in the dark as to its purpose. “Ariel asked me to take Argentine, but I’m having the most horrible moment in my life.” her to the airport because he was paranoid. He was whacked out on As the reality of her predicament sinks in, Angie starts to cry. cocaine. I was hanging around, so I accompanied her.” “I’ve lived my life without any trouble,” she says, sobbing. “If you Nicolas calls Angie a good Christian girl who helped him get off could investigate my life a little bit more, it’s not like this, I swear drugs, and who is not cut out for prison. They were to be married to you. I can’t comprehend this! I have never stolen, never acted in March, then move to England. “When I came back to Argentina the wrong way. Meanwhile the real criminals are back on the streets in November, it was to get married in the church where my parents committing felonies. Why?” were married,” he says. “I was about to marry the woman I love, like a And with that the beauty queen turned alleged Narco Queen cheesy soap opera. Who could tell what was about to happen?” composes herself. The crying stops, she says her goodbyes, and as a UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER plane leaving Ezeiza International Airport flies overhead, Angie The Ezeiza Women’s Prison is located on the outskirts of Buenos Sanclemente Valencia is led back into the prison. Aires, just a few miles from the airport where Angie’s world began to crumble. The sad, nervous woman sitting alone in the large enclosed Additional reporting by Maria del Pilar González Lonzième. Angie that his family was involved in some shady business, and after coming face-to-face with Daniel, she told Nicolas she was uncomfortable and asked to leave. Angie later discovered that her passport and return plane ticket to Mexico were missing. She reported her lost passport to the Colombian embassy but failed to mention the ticket. Part of Angie’s story holds up; her plane ticket was later discovered in Daniel’s possession. Her claims of innocence notwithstanding, behind-the-scenes evidence against Angie was steadily mounting. In March, Interpol had issued a warrant for her arrest. So it wasn’t just the Argentine authorities on her tail, but the world’s biggest international police force. “There are some very determined and very strong women who have got more balls than the men,’’ an Interpol investigator said at the time. “Angie kicks up dust wherever she goes. That’s her nature. So we’ll get her eventually.’’ On May 26, the day after her 31st birthday, Angie stepped into the shower at the K-Lodges hostel, the only place she felt safe from the prying eyes of an extremely hostile world. Three weeks before, Interpol had added Angie’s name to their “Infra-Red” list— a compendium of 450 international fugitives for whom they actively sought public help through the Internet and social networking sites—and had received a tip about Angie from a fellow guest at the hostel. As the shower’s scalding water was washing her troubles away, the authorities pounced. They allowed Angie to finish her shower and get dressed, then led her off in handcuffs. At the time of her arrest, the alleged drug lord had a grand total of $36 in her pocket.

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 137

WHETHER OLD OR NEW, AMERICAN BRANDS ARE DRAWING ON THE PAST AND LOOKING TO THE

LEVI’S wool work pants, $98

LEVI’S denim jacket, $88 LEVI’S work shirt, $70

PENDLETON jacket, $198 (top) PENDLETON tartan shirt, $98

LEVI’S

PENDLETON

Why you care: Because sometimes the original is the best, and for a century and a half no brand has better evoked America’s working-class heroics. Philosophy: “Given the economy, people are looking for comfort through stability, items that are built to last from brands with time-tested track records,” says director of brand concepts Carl Chiara, who has been with the granddaddy of denim brands since 1995. “With the fall 2010 collection, we went back to the very beginning, when jeans and the 501 were workwear. We took those roots, complete with a slew of historic functional details, and applied them to suit and ﬁt the functionalities and needs of today’s guy.”

Why you care: Because despite Pendleton’s rustic history, teaming up with brands like Opening Ceremony, Hurley, Nike, and Vans has helped the company reach new fans seeking to rock out like mountain men or beach bums. Philosophy: “Our founder, Thomas Kay, brought his love of tartans with him from Britain, which became our iconic plaid shirts,” says Jim Buckner, manager of menswear. “But our first customers—American Indians—will always influence our approach to patterning.” And Pendleton has had plenty of influence itself: “In the early 1960s, a group of kids formed a band called the Pendletones, after our woolen shirts. They eventually changed their name…to the Beach Boys.”

FOUNDED: 1853 BY LEVI STRAUSS, SAN FRANCISCO, CA

138 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

FOUNDED: 1863 BY THOMAS L. KAY, PORTLAND, OR

D FUTURE. WELCOME TO THE GOLDEN AGE OF STAR-SPANGLED STYLE. BY WILLIAM BUCKLEY

MICHAEL BASTIAN quilted hunting jacket, $1,775 (top) MICHAEL BASTIAN plaid jacket, $1,630

SIMON SPURR wool peacoat, $1,695

SIMON SPURR jacket and vest, price available upon request SIMON SPURR shirt, $295

MICHAEL BASTIAN

SIMON SPURR

Why you care: Because as the fashion director at New York style mecca Bergdorf Goodman, Bastian had ﬁrsthand knowledge of what customers want, and with his own line he’s putting his know-how into practice. Philosophy: “Before everything crashed economically, we’d been in this period of 10 or 15 years of high designer fashion: the slim black suit and the skinny tie, everything branded, and everyone striving for this fashion look,” says Bastian. “I think we’ve all been shaken up, and as the dust settles we’re looking around us, and what we’re seeing is America.” The result is a timeless line perfect for a weekend in the country or a night on the town.

Why you care: Because after stints with classic American brands like Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren, the British-born Spurr knows how to craft both Savile Row–worthy suits and denim that’ll last you forever. Philosophy: “I design products that make guys feel comfortable and look good. There’s a reality and a functionality to the clothes,” says Spurr. “It’s a slimmerﬁtting, cleaner product than you’d associate with a European brand, but I was heavily inﬂuenced by American denim brands like Levi’s, Wrangler, and Lee.” And take this tip when purchasing a pair of his seriously addictive jeans: “Buy the correct size, which is often a size smaller than what you’re buying now.”

FOUNDED: 2006 BY MICHAEL BASTIAN, NEW YORK CITY

PHOTOGRAPHS BY BRIAN KLUTCH

FOUNDED: 1996 BY SIMON SPURR, NEW YORK CITY

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 139

STYLE L.L.BEAN parka, $199

WOOLRICH vest, $69

shirt, $245 WOOLRICH woodsman shirt,$245

WOOLRICH WOOLEN MILLS

L.L.BEAN

Why you care: Because certain staples like rugged parkas and buffalo plaid ﬂannel shirts look as good on Johnny Depp or Jay-Z as on Paul Bunyan, proving that some things never go out of style. Philosophy: “We are the longest continuously operating outdoor apparel manufacturer in the United States, ever since our founder was selling wool to lumberjacks and sawmill workers out of a mule cart,” says executive VP Brian Mangione of the 180-year-old brand. “One of the Woolrich classics, the arctic parka, was worn by workers building the Alaskan pipeline,” notes creative director Andrea Crane. “So we updated the ﬁt and reinvented the jacket for the modern man.”

Why you care: Because you’re going for the perfect blend of Hemingway and Alex P. Keaton. Rag sweaters, duck boots—no one does the rugged-prepster look better, or more affordably, than L.L.Bean. Philosophy: “L.L. once said, ‘If you get lost, go back to camp,’ and I think a lot of brands are looking to ‘home base’ to be reminded of their identity,” says Alex Carleton, the creative director who’s giving the label a modern update with the L.L.Bean Signature line. “We possess nearly a century of brand history, so we look at the present and are inspired by the future, but we use the past as the framework for building the brand.”

FOUNDED: 1830 BY JOHN RICH, WOOLRICH, PA

140 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

L.L.BEAN wool henley, $45

FOUNDED: 1912 BY LEON LEONWOOD BEAN, FREEPORT, ME

STYLING, TERRY LEWIS/BEAUTY & PHOTO. FOR BUYING INFORMATION, SEE PAGE146.

WOOLRICH parka, $505

CAULFIELD PREPARATORY thermal hoodie, $92

BILLY REID trousers, $295

BILLY REID shawl sweater, $165

CAULFIELD PREP vest, $257

BILLY REID

CAULFIELD PREPARATORY

Why you care: Because by melding high style and classic workwear—the rugged and the reﬁned—this Southern boy conquered the Big Apple fashion scene. Philosophy: “My favorite brands make things that you can own forever and will look better with age. It’s a timeless quality that’s very American,” says Reid, who recently launched collaborations with Levi’s and Stetson. “I start with pieces I personally want and build from there, things that have the versatility to wear in the two worlds in which I spend most of my time: Alabama and New York. If the piece can translate well in both, then we’ve hit our target.”

Why you care: Because like its namesake Catcher in the Rye character, the Caulﬁeld line—with its distressed fabrics, wrinkled button-downs, and frayed hems—harks back to a golden age of prep. Philosophy: “I grew up in a very conservative upper-middle-class society; there were rules, but I got really good at putting my own twist on things,” says designer Vincent Flumiani. ”Caulﬁeld Preparatory is very much that. It’s got this obviously ingrained Waspy middle-class American attitude to it, but I like to mix shit up a little bit. And break some rules.”

FOUNDED: 2004 BY BILLY REID, FLORENCE, AL

FOUNDED: 2009 BY VINCENT FLUMIANI, LOS ANGELES, CA

NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 141

STYLE

J. CREW wafﬂe tee, $35

J. CREW shirt, $72

GITMAN BROS. shirt, $175

J. CREW vintage cords, $70

GITMAN BROS. shirt, $175

GITMAN BROS. shirt, $155 GITMAN BROS. ﬂannel tie, $70

J.CREW

GITMAN BROS.

Why you care: Because since launching their “men’s store” in 2008, J.Crew has done the work for you—not only with their own ruggedly preppy staples but also through the other classic brands they carefully curate and stock. Philosophy: “Traditionally, guys aren’t shoppers, so we try to make their lives easier by offering edited selections of our favorite styles and brands,” says designer Frank Muytjens. “We’re not too precious in what we design: masculine, tough, but elegant. Americana gives everything a purpose, with truly functional details, so everything we do is a product of that, a product of our heritage.”

Why you care: Because the legendary masters of the perfect button-down— who have long been churning out classics for other labels—have retooled their own brand with the Vintage line, featuring slimmer ﬁts and shorter cuts. Philosophy: “The renewed interest in Americana is a reaction to big-brand global capitalism—local ‘made in the U.S.A.’ quality trumps global quantity,” says Chris Olberding, creative director of Gitman Vintage. “I’m not a designer, though; I’ve been with Gitman for a while, working on shirt production with Burberry and Thom Browne. I’m really more of a curator of the archive.”

FOUNDED: 1978 BY ALFRED AND SHELDON GITMAN, ASHLAND, PA

FOUNDED: 1983, NEW YORK

SHOP HERE

142 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

CONTEXT MADISON, WI

ODIN NEW YORK CITY

Since opening in 2005, Ryan Huber and Sam Parker have offered denim addicts the very best. “Guys are becoming more interested in where and how things are made and less interested in sweatshop garbage,” says Huber. “U.S. brands are proud of their heritage, and we show that to our customers.”

“People want to go back to comfort and things that are familiar,” says co-owner Paul Birardi, who founded the downtown fashion mecca—which stocks both the old and the new—in 2004 with Eddie Chai.” Plus Americana tends to be a little rough around the edges and conﬁdent. Chicks like that.”

contextclothing.com Brands: Gitman Vintage, Band of Outsiders, Engineered Garments

odinnewyork.com Brands: Rag & Bone, Woolrich Woolen Mills, Florsheim by Duckie Brown

BLACKBIRD AND THE FIELD HOUSE SEATTLE, WA “Old-school American brands just make me smile: Quoddy, Alden, and Filson,” says owner Nicole Miller, who opened the Field House in 2009. “They’re all really small companies that stand true to their heritage and refuse to sell out.” blackbirdballard.com Brands: Pendleton, Levi’s Vintage, RRL, Filson, Red Wing

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RAG & BONE blazer, $495 RAG & BONE shirt, $255

STYLE

RAG & BONE jeans,$255 jeans, $255

STEVEN ALAN reverse seam shirt, $168 STEVEN ALAN knit wool tie, $68

RAG & BONE coat, $995

STEVEN ALAN corduroy sport coat, $385 STEVEN ALAN reverse seam shirt, $168

RAG & BONE

STEVEN ALAN

Why you care: Because these darlings of style mavens and rock stars alike have found the perfect combination of traditional rustic staples, impeccable tailoring, and quirky downtown detailing. Philosophy: “We make as many of the garments as possible here in the States and constantly look to the roots of Americana—the workwear and denim heritage,” says cofounder Wainwright. “But neither of us has any background in design,” adds Neville. “I was an investment banker in London, and Marcus owned a telecommunications business.”

Why you care: Because while the New York native designed what may well be the ultimate button-down shirt—slightly rumpled, slightly snug, and best left untucked—the rest of his clothes and accessories are just as addictive. Philosophy: As Alan has noted, “Everything came out of the shirt,” which quickly became the must-have garment for every guy who wanted to look stylish but not like he cared. “I think about different designers and how they developed, but for me there’s this certain sloppy schoolboy look that I grew up with.”

FOUNDED: 2002 BY MARCUS WAINWRIGHT & DAVID NEVILLE, NEW YORK CITY

144 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

FOUNDED: 1999 BY STEVEN ALAN, NEW YORK CITY

Restricted to Adult Smokers 21 or Older. Newport, Pleasure, Newport Pleasure, Menthol Gold, Menthol Blue, spinnaker design, package design and other trade dress elements TM Lorillard Licensing Company LLC Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

These cigarettes do not present a reduced risk of harm compared to other cigarettes.

CIGARETTES

credits p.10: Tom Selleck, Chris Reardon/CBS via Getty Images; finger puppets, Dave King/Getty Images; wrestler, Justin Pumfrey/Getty Images; Billy Zabka, Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images; Gallagher, Anthony Leo/Getty; watermelon, Lori Lee Miller/Getty; smashed watermelon, Steen Larsen/Getty; man massaging woman, Pascal Broze/Getty Images p.12: Chris Johnson, Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images p.14: Andy Ritchie, Kermit and man in inflatable boat, Reuters/Andy Clark; police chasing moose, Reuters/Rafal Michalkowski/Agencja Gazeta p.20: Jennifer Aniston, Film Magic/Getty Images; Jesse James, Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic/Getty Images; LeBron James, newspapers, Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty Images; Obama, Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images; Justin Bieber, Frederick Breedon/Getty Images; model, Getty Images p.22: Corn, Davies and Starr/Getty Images; pie, Brand X Pictures/ Getty Images; turkey, Gary Vestal/Getty Images; wine, Robert Daly/Getty Images; Avatar, Porky’s Revenge, Addams Family, Saved by the Bell, Jabba the Hut, Star Wars robot, Princess Lea, Goonies, American Pie, courtesy Everett Collection; Step Brothers, Batman, courtesy Kobal; house, Eric Meola/Getty Images; glasses, Mel Yates/Getty Images p.28: Rube Marquard, Getty Images; Bill Buckner, Bettmann/Corbis; Heinie Manush, MLB Photos via Getty Images; Brett Butler and family, Bettmann/Corbis, Fred Hutchinson, Bettmann/Corbis; Marge Schott, Bettmann/Corbis; Cardinals argue call, Bettmann/Corbis; military salute, AFP/Getty Images; Kama Sutra, Getty; MMA book, Internet p.30: Martellus Bennett, mediatakeout.com; Iron Man II Scarlett Johansson, Marvel Productions/ The Kobal Collection p.32: Turkey, Gary Vestal/ Getty Images; cranberries, Keith Leighton/Alamy; raw turkey, Art of Food/Alamy; Scrooge McDuck, Buena Vista Pictures/courtesy Everett Collection; Thundercats, Rankin/Bass Productions/courtesy Everett Collection; sexy woman, Jim Arbogast/ Getty Images p.44: Gladys Knight and the Pips, GAB Archive/Redferns/Getty Images; man driving and drinking, Superstock/Getty Images; TI, Getty Images; Big Boi, Getty Images; football player, Getty Images p.48: No Ordinary Family, ABC/Eric McCandless; Walking Dead, TWD Productions courtesy of AMC, Hereafter, Ken Regan; Saw 3D, Brooke Palmer; Unstoppable, Robert Zuckerman; Kristen Stewart, WireImage/ Getty p.52: Eric Stoltz, Getty; DeLorean, Getty p.54: Tom Green, DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection; Zach Galifianakis, Warner Bros./ courtesy Everett Collection; Zach Galifianakis, Warner Bros./Melinda Sue Gordon; French bulldog, Warner Bros./Melinda Sue Gordon; Will Ferrell, DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection; Zach Galifiankis, Frank Masi/Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.; Todd Phillips, Melinda Sue Gordon/Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. and Legendary Pictures; Ed Helms, Frank Masi/ Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.; Will Ferrell, DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection; Tom Green, DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection; Ed Helms, Warner Bros./courtesy Everett Collection; Robert Downey Jr., ©2009 Warner Bros./Melinda Sue Gordon; Animal House, MPTV; Caddyshack, MPTV; American Pie, MPTV; Denise Richards, Paul Morigi/WireImage pp.71–76: (front) California Golden Bears mascot, US Presswire; Georgia Tech Mascot (yellow jacket), Collegiate Images/Getty Images; Georgia Bulldogs mascot, Getty; UMichigan flag, Danny Moloshok/Icon SMI; Army Mule mascot, Ray Malley/Icon SMI; Bear Bryant, Getty; Florida State Seminoles mascot, US Presswire; Rich Rodriguez, Getty; Woody Hayes, US Presswire; Texas Longhorn mascot, John Albright/Icon SMI; Stanford mascot (tree), Dustin Snipes/Icon SMI/ Corbis; Florida Gators mascot, US Presswire; Ohio State mascot, Getty; Alabama Crimson Tide mascot, Getty Images; Auburn Tigers mascot, US Presswire; (inside) Patty Hearst, Getty Images; Meryl Streep, Getty Images; Natalie Portman, Wired/Getty Images; collie dog, Alamy; Minka Kelly, Wired/Getty Images; tiger, DG Jervis/ Shutterstock; Taylor Swift, Lucas Jackson/ Reuters/Corbis; Jacob Hester, Getty; James Laurinitis, Getty; Calais Campbell, Getty; Erin Andrews, Wired/Getty; Courtney Hansen, Jeremy Montem/Retna Ltd./Corbis; Gatorade, Ian Dagnall/Alamy; Jeter, Getty Images; 146 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

Steinbrenner, Getty; Seinfeld, NBC TV/The Kobal Collection; Beyoncé, Imre Foeldi/EPA/Corbis; Lady Gaga, Redferns/Getty Images; Stripes, courtesy Everett Collection; Shawne Merriman, Getty; Willie McGinest, Scott Boehm/Getty Images; Tashard Choice, MCT via Getty pp.79–80: Peacock, Jeff Gynane/Shutterstock; Daniel Holzman and Michael Chernow, Will Sterns (2) pp.106–112: (opener photos) Steve-O, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; dunk tank, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; ﬂying, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; Johnny Knoxville crutches, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; ﬁght, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; Johnny Knoxville gong, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; Johnny Knoxville blowup dolls, Ben Zo/©Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; rocket, Sean Cliver/ Paramount; artist, Ben Kaller/Paramount; Johnny Knoxville water bike, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; spaceman, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; bent-over sand, MTV/The Kobal Collection; Jason Acuna and Preston Lacy sumo, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; matador, MTV/The Kobal Collection; snake ball pit, Ben Kaller/Paramount; chair launcher, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; diapers, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; golf cart, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; group run, Sean Cliver/Paramount; Chris Pontius “keep god,” Paramount Pictures/ courtesy Everett; Johnny Knoxville gray hair, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; Johnny Knoxville Steve-O, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; feathers, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; shopping cart dirt explosion, Ben Zo/Paramount; Jason Acuna dunk tank full setup, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; sailors, Sean Cliver/Paramount; roasting, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; sailor 2, Paramount/courtesy Everett; old man run explosion, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; old man makeup, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; old men, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; army group shot, MTV/The Kobal Collection; Knoxville bullhorn, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; bull ride, Sean Cliver/ Paramount; wheelchair jump, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; human metronome, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; Chris Pontius rides bull, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; street racing, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; broken golf cart, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; Jason Acuña and Preston Lacy sumo 2, Sean Cliver/Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; jet ski off ramp, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; dunk tank 3, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; bottle in nose, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; devil “keep god,” courtesy Paramount; Bam with snake Ben Kaller/Paramount; beach pole vault, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; croc pit in thong, Sean Cliver/ Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; Jason Acuna superman, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; falling into cactus, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; old men 2, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; old men lineup, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; sumo 3, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; baby doll bike ride, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; superman slide, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; old man explosion, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; old men walk in smoke, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; jump into water, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; bumper golf carts, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; roast (again), Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; alligator nipple, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; underwear chase, Sean Cliver/ Paramount; bull hit, Ben Kaller/Paramount; old man makeup, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; dunk tank, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; bull throw, Sean Cliver/ Paramount; naked night city run, Paramount/ Everett Collection; tar and feathers, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; Knoxville bullhorn 2, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; motorcycle fail, Sean Cliver/Paramount; bath suit bellhops, Sean Cliver/Paramount; old man run explosion 2, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection. Wee-man superman, Paramount/

courtesy Everett Collection; Wee-man superman ,Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; Chris Pontius rides yak, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; bunny ears beach, Paramount/ courtesy Everett Collection; croc tight walk, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; the end, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; tar and feathers 2, Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection; shooting range, Sean Cliver/ Paramount; jet ski ﬂy, Paramount; (Inside Photos) Knoxville Tasered, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; Steve-O hooked, Paramount/ courtesy Sean Cliver; England mouthful, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; ﬁght (repeat), Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; branded, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; party boy thong, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; panda boxing, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; toy on X-ray, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; tree-way, courtesy Paramount; puking picnic, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; underwear run, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; kicking self, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; old man nip slip, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; terrorist beard, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; old men walking, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver; Bam skate, Paramount/courtesy Sean Cliver p.94: Charles Barkley, AP Images; LeBron signs with Heat, Gary I Rothstein/epa/ Corbis; Kobe Bryant, Icon Sports Media/Corbis; Kevin Durant, US Presswire; Celtics Huddle, US Presswire; Thunders vs Lakers, NBAE/Getty Images; Kids with LeBron Jerseys, Associated Press p.95: Dwight Howard dunk, AP Images; Space Jam Logo, Mary Evans/Warner Bros/ Ronald Grant/Everett Collection; Milwaukee Bucks’ fans, NBAE/Getty Images p.96: Ron Artest, US Presswire; beer, D. Hurst/Alamy; bike, courtesy Giant Bicycles (PR photo); record, Andrzej Tokarski/Alamy; Lebron Headshot, Getty Images; Adam Morrison, US Presswire; Celtics bench, Getty Images; Lakers bench, Associated Press; Knicks bench, Getty; Lakers hug, NBAE/ Getty Images; p.98: Kevin Durant action, NBAE/ Getty Images; Wooden Texture, Zealot/ Shutterstock; Kevin Durant headshot, NBAE/ Getty Images; Caron Butler, NBAE/Getty Images; Dwight Howard, NBAE/Getty Images; Chris Paul, NBAE/Getty Images; Derek Fischer, NBAE/Getty Images; Nick Collison, Associated Press; Luke Ridnour, Associated Press; Gabrielle Union, WireImage/Getty; Teen Wolf, MGM/courtesy Everett Collection pp.114–126: Grindhouse, Dimension Films/The Kobal Collection; Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry, Academy Pictures/The Kobal Collection; The Fast and the Furious, Original Films/The Kobal Collection; Tron, Walt Disney Pictures/The Kobal Collection; The Blue Brothers, Universal/Everett Collection; The Cannonball Run, 20th Century Fox/The Kobal Collection pp.128–129: Adnan Shukrijumah, Associated Press; Nazario Moreno, AFP/Getty Images; Mark Zuckerberg, Mantel/Sipa; The serial killer trucker, Rick Lord/Shutterstock; General Butt Naked, Associated Press; Kim Jong Il, Associated Press; Christopher “Dudus” Coke, Ho New/ Reuters; Zydrunas Savickas, Icon SMI; Robert Gleason Jr., Associated Press; James Arthur Ray, Associated Press; A.Q. Khan, Associated Press; Brian Austin Green, Getty Images for Fox pp.132–137: Fingerprint, RTimages/Alamy; Mugshot, © Interpol; Sanclemente portrait, El Tiempo/GDA; Sanclemente with puppy, Image Forum/AFP Photo/El Heraldo; Sanclemente topless, El Tiempo/GDA; Sanclemente in bikini, ImageForum/AFP Photo/El Heraldo; Sanclemente with crown, Héctor Fabio Zamora/El Tiempo/

GDA; Jeannette Valencia, Eduardo Di Baia/AP Photo; Sanclemente in vest, Cromos/Landov/ Reuters; Sanclemente crying, Alejandro Andam/ Telam/AP Photo; Sanclemente in bikini, ImageForum/AFP Photo /El Heraldo; Paris Hilton, Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department via Getty Images; Tomato can, James And James/ Getty Images; Snoop Dogg, John Shearer/ WireImage/Getty Images; Pablo Escobar, AP Photo; Breakfast burritos, Brian Hagiwara/Getty Images p.156: Illustration based on image of Chris Pine, Landov

CLOTHING CREDITS p.138: Pendleton Woolen Mills Guide shirt in Rob Roy tartan, $198, pendleton-usa.com; Levi’s green wool 201 buckle back work pant, $98, levi.com; Levi’s sherpa-lined trucker jacket, $88, levi.com; Levi’s blue and cream plaid work shirt, $70, levi.com; Pendleton Woolen Mills jacket, $198, pendleton-usa. com, Saks Fifth Avenue p.139: Michael Bastian plaid jacket, $1,630, available at Saks Fifth Avenue, Chicago and N.Y.C.; Michael Bastian olive nylon quilted hunting jacket, $1,775, available at available at Bloomingdale’s, San Francisco; Simon Spurr burgundy two tone wool peacoat, $1,695, available at Saks Fifth Avenue; Simon Spurr gray wool/ cashmere Shadow Stripe jacket and vest, price available upon request, spurr.tv; Simon Spurr shirt, $295, available at Saks Fifth Avenue, , Chicago, Beverly Hills, N.Y.C. p.140: Woolrich Woolen Mills Mountain parka, $505, available at Odin, N.Y.C.; L.L.Bean Baxter State parka, $199, llbean.com; Woolrich Eagle Fork vest, $69, woolrich.com; Woolrich Woolen Mills Woodsman shirt, $245, available at Odin, NYC; L.L.Bean Ragg wool henley, $45, llbean.com p.141: Billy Reid Willie denim shirt, $175, available at Billy Reid store, NYC; Caulfield Preparatory Witty thermal hoodie (zurich green), $92, revolveclothing.com; Billy Reid custom made jean pocket trousers, $295, available at Billy Reid store, NYC; Billy Reid Savannah shawl collar sweater, $165, available at Billy Reid store, NYC; Caulfield Preparatory Gtaad hunting vest (zurich green), $257, revolveclothing.com p.142: J.Crew shirt, $72, jcrew.com; Gitman Vintage shirt, $175, available at Barneys New York; J.Crew waffle tee, $35, jcrew.com; J.Crew vintage cords, $70, jcrew.com; Gitman Vintage plaid shirt, $175, available at Barneys New York; Gitman Vintage red chambray shirt, $155, available at Barneys New York; Gitman Vintage plaid flannel tie, $70, available at Barneys New York p.144: Rag & Bone deep blue Dagger blazer, $495, available at Bergdorf Goodman and Rag & Bone stores; Rag & Bone navy stripe Trail shirt, $255, available at Nordstrom and Rag & Bone stores; Steven Alan reverse seam shirt, $168, stevenaran.com; Steven Alan knit wool tie, $68, stevenaran.com; Rag & Bone grey Blade jean II, $255, available at Saks Fifth Avenue and Rag & Bone stores; Rag & Bone dark olive check Carnaby coat, $995, available at Barneys New York and Rag & Bone stores; Steven Alan corduroy sport coat, $385, stevenaran.com; Steven Alan reverse seam shirt, $168,stevenaran.com

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330 STORES NATIONWIDE Store Locator: 1-800-657-8001 R ! PE ON U P S U CO

FREE! 3-1/2" SUPER BRIGHT NINE LED ALUMINUM FLASHLIGHT

ITEM 65020

NO PURCHASE REG. PRICE $7.99 REQUIRED!

REG. PRICE $99.99

SAVE $40

HARBOR FREIGHT TOOLS - LIMIT 1 This valuable coupon is good anywhere you shop Harbor Freight Tools (retail stores, online, or catalog). Coupon not valid on prior purchases. Coupon cannot be bought, sold, or transferred. Original coupon must be presented in store, or with your catalog order form or entered online in order to receive the offer. Valid through 2/19/11.

R ! PE ON U P S U CO

3 GALLON 100 PSI OILLESS PANCAKE AIR COMPRESSOR LOT NO. 95275

SANDING

SCRAPE CONCRETE

17 DIFFERENT ATTACHMENTS AVAILABLE IN OUR STORES!

CUT METAL

CUT DRYWALL

CUT PLASTIC

SAVE 46%

HEAVY DUTY

600 LB. HAND TRUCK LOT NO. 95061 CAPACITY

SAVE 40%

2999

REG. PRICE $49.99

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45 WATT SOLAR PANEL KIT

SAVE LOT NO. $100 90599

60" HARDWOOD WORKBENCH LOT NO. 93454

14999 SAVE

Tools sold separately.

SAVE 50%

CUT FLOORING

$70

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R ! PE ON U P S U CO

MOVER'S DOLLY LOT NO. 93888

WEATHERPROOF COLOR SECURITY CAMERA WITH NIGHT VISION

SAVE 1000 LB. 46% CAPACITY

REG. PRICE $14.99

SAVE 37%

LOT NO. 95914

REG. 99 $39.99 PRICE

SAVE 80% TODAY – SHOP ONLINE at HarborFreight.com UP TO

REG. PRICE $199.99

$ 99 PLUNGE CUTTING

12999

REG. PRICE $249.99

REG. PRICE $59.99

REG. PRICE 99 $74.99

R ! PE ON U P S U CO

OFF

ANY SINGLE ITEM!

Use this coupon to save 20% on any one single item purchased when you shop at a Harbor Freight Tools store. Cannot be used with any other discount or coupon. One coupon per customer. Coupon not valid on any of the following - prior purchases, gift cards, Inside Track Club membership or Extended Service Plans. Coupon cannot be bought, sold, or transferred. Original coupon must be presented in store in order to receive the offer. All Campbell Hausfeld products are excluded from this offer. Valid through 2/19/11.

OSCILLATING MULTIFUNCTION POWER TOOL

LOT NO. 67256

20%

Get More Coupons at HarborFreight.com/maxim

LOT NO. 91039/67408

5999

R ! PE ON U P S U CO

Cannot be used with any other discount or coupon. Limit one coupon per customer per visit. Coupon not valid on prior purchases. Offer good while supplies last. Coupon cannot be bought, sold or transferred. Original coupon must be presented at your local Harbor Freight store in order to receive the offer. Valid through 2/19/11. Limit one per customer

$ $

HarborFreight.com

24 Hours to Live

Chris Pine

THE UNSTOPPABLE STAR—AND NEW CAPTAIN KIRK—MULLS HIS LAST DAY. So how do you want to go? Smiling. Do you have any deathbed confessions as you face the “ﬁnal frontier”? I’m an avid procrastinator. Where will you be going, heaven or hell? I’ll steam downstairs and do the cold plunge upstairs. The train conductor you play in Unstoppable gets into some

156 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010

pretty dangerous situations. Have you ever had any neardeath experiences in your own line of work? Tripping while eating my breakfast burrito on the way to the makeup trailer. Between you and your costar Denzel Washington, who would more likely be able to save a town from a lethal disaster without dying in the process? Dunno. But he just may be able to beat me in an act-off.

Who would you rather kick it with in the afterlife, Denzel or Spock? Denzel. Playing Spock. James T. Kirk was a reckless man. What’s the biggest trouble you’ve gotten into during your lifetime? Tough call…but I’m betting a lady was involved. You’ve had the good fortune to romance some very lovely ladies on-screen (Anne Hathaway, Lindsay Lohan, Rosario Dawson). Any one in particular you’d like

to be stranded in a wormhole with? Can’t I have a wormhole harem? What are Trekkies saying over your casket? “I never thought Bill would do it.” You have a college degree in English. What literary quote would you like on your tombstone? “Fuckin’ Ruthie, fuckin’ Ruthie, fuckin’ Ruthie, fuckin’ Ruthie…” Unstoppable rolls into theaters November 12.

ILLUSTRATION BY TIM MARRS

: :: -($13$8/*$8/7,(5 &20

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