inspiration

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The Gift of an Imperfect Father

by Marlaina Donato

For many of us, Dad was the first person to throw us a ball, take us fishing or treat us to ice cream after a game. If we were fortunate, he was the one who made a bad day better, was a strong protector who kept the metaphorical wolves from the door and, by example, secured our place in the world. Fathers give us many “firsts”, and for some of us, that also means a broken heart.

Parents, like all human beings, are fallible, learning as they go, never quite getting it right, but doing the best that they can. Sometimes their “best” is tangled in a net of unresolved personal trauma, addiction or mental illness, and we learn to bear the bitter with the sweet. “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift,” wrote poet Mary Oliver, and her words can be a beacon as we journey through healing the father wound.

Once we come out the other side of childhood, it might be difficult to love someone that destroyed our trust and even more difficult to love ourselves. This “gift” might take decades for us to unwrap. Children of difficult dads sometimes blossom like lotuses into more compassionate beings from the mud of absence, cruelty or indifference. Perhaps with a shift in perspective, we may realize how their weaknesses might have given us survival tools and resilience. Flipping the coin to examine what they have done right and giving credit where it is deserved can also help us to open that dead-bolted door to forgiveness. Taking inventory, both positive and negative, can encourage us to become a different kind of parent.

In a black-and-white world, the heart’s gray areas can teach us how to lean into our own healing. We inherit a lot from our wounded fathers, including an energetic opportunity to change the familial emotional code, and it can be beautiful.

Marlaina Donato is an author, composer and painter. Connect at WildflowerLady.com.

The Perfect Father

by Eric Hankins

One unique feature of the life and ministry of Jesus was his habit of referring to God as “Father.” While this is commonplace now, characterizations of God as father were rare in the Old Testament. It was, however, so central, fundamental and singular to Jesus’ teaching and praying, the New Testament writers record it not only in Greek, but also in Jesus’ native tongue, Aramaic: “Abba, Father.” Jesus always spoke of God this way to reframe the nature of the relationship between God and people. We default to wanting God to keep his distance and we imagine that He wants the same. Often, our views of God match the frailties and imperfections of our earthly fathers.

But Jesus came to reveal that God is a Good Father. “Abba” captured deep concern and trustworthy authority. A good father provided love, care, direction, identity, a home and a name. He did this not by taking or fiat, but by wisdom and sacrifice. What Jesus revealed is that God wants a relationship with us. He wants to talk to us and listen to us. Like a good father, he knows more than us, he sees what we can be and will intervene with loving discipline when he sees us straying. Jesus’ relationship with God as Father was the source of the powerful effect of his life; everything flowed from it and his first followers knew this. Amazingly, this same relationship is available for us all, even if our earthly fathers let us down. “Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.” (Gal. 4:6-7)

Dr. Eric Hankins, Ph.D., is pastor at First Baptist Church of Fairhope, 300 S. Section St., Fairhope, AL. For more information, call 251928-8685 or visit FirstFairhope.com.