MetroFamily Magazine 2018-19 Foster Care Edition

Foster Care in Oklahoma City

2018-19

Information you need to consider serving foster children and families.

Nearly 9,000 children are in state custody needing stable, loving temporary homes!

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Features 4 Fostering Families Mentoring Biological Parents to Help Children Return Home 8 Debunking 6 Myths of Foster Care 12 It Takes a Village Critical Support for Foster Families 18 Alone at 18 Aging Out of Foster Care 23 Keeping Kids Connected The Value of Kinship Foster Care 28 10 Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent 32 Multiplying the Love The Joys and Challenges of Fostering Sibling Groups 34 Street Kid to Foster Dad

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he majority of us cannot imagine growing up without caring adults (a parent or parents) who always had our best interest at heart. Or in a situation where your loving parents had so much else going on in their lives such as mental health issues or addiction that they couldn’t adequately take care of you. Unfortunately, that is the reality for too many children in Oklahoma, with many of these children ending up in the foster care system. Oklahoma’s foster care system, led by Oklahoma’s Department of Human Services (OKDHS) has been in the news for years, most notably for the requirement of the Pinnacle Plan which is a court-ordered series of goals for the organization to reach. Progress on these goals has been notable but there are still some more to achieve.

readers with the inspiration and information needed to consider becoming a foster family. Or, if that isn’t possible, to at least find a place to volunteer and serve our most vulnerable children.

We at MetroFamily are now, in 2018, starting our second 12-month editorial series on foster care in OKC and all of Oklahoma.

Our intention is to provide our caring adult

May you and your family be blessed, and be a blessing to others,

Center on April 6, 2019 and Geekapalooza on June 23, 2019.

Other annual projects include our Everything Guide, Family Favorites,

Cover Kids Search, Awesome Moms and our ongoing contests. Keep informed about these programs through our website.

This digital edition is comprised of some of the articles from our award-winning series in 2015-16 (recently updated by OKDHS) and our current articles which will continue through June 2019. Please share this digital edition with others you believe should read it!

Please help us in thanking our current corporate sponsor, Kimray, for making this foster care series and digital edition possible. And be sure to check out www. metrofamilymagazine.com/foster-care for more information and resources.

Sarah Taylor, Publisher

Web Exclusives MetroFamily exists to provide local parents the resources they need to raise happy, healthy and educated kids. Our calendar plus other family fun ideas are extremely popular.

Find these resources in our monthly print magazine, at our website (www.metrofamilymagazine.com), via subscribing to our bi-weekly e-newsletters, our social media presence (Instagram, Facebook and Twitter) and our free, handy app (search “MetroFamily” in iTunes and GooglePlay).

We also host annual events including Kids Fest at the Cox Convention

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Fostering Families:

Mentoring Biological Parents to Help Children Return Home part six of a 12-part series

BY ERIN PAGE

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM

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yan and Amy Benton realized early in their quest to become foster parents how astronomical the need is in Oklahoma for more families to offer their homes and hearts to foster children. But like so many potential foster parents, they weren’t sure of their emotional capacity to help a child return home to live with the very biological parents whose actions had placed their children in state custody.

“The need is huge, but we were scared of what it means to be a bridge family,” said Ryan, referring to working as a team with biological parents toward reunification. The Bentons’ first thought was, “I don’t want these people in my home.”

Judith Cope, foster parent recruiter and trainer for Sunbeam Family Services and a foster mom herself, agrees these fears are normal. Potential foster parents often don’t realize that bridging and reunification are priorities, or they think they might not apply to their particular case. The purpose of foster care is first and foremost restoration of the family, which means most foster parents will be helping their foster children return to a safer, more stable home.

“Beyond providing love and affection to a child, you really sign up to be a mentor to a parent,” Cope said. “You’re fostering a family.”

For the Bentons, the turning point came when they realized the long-term impact they could have on parents and families by supporting biological families and helping them realize a new “normal.”

“In a lot of cases, the [foster] kids you have aren’t going to be the last kids these biological parents have,” said Ryan. “Not only are we able to change the family norm for these kids, but we also have an opportunity with the parents to give them a chance to see family working in a different way.”

The Bentons’ first foster children were a brother and sister, ages 1 and 3. They invited the biological parents into their home and involved them in the things they already did as a family. Ryan recalls the biological dad tearing up because he couldn’t remember the last time they had had a family meal

together. Ryan described their work toward reunification as “the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

While reunification is typically the initial goal for foster children, it’s not always the end of the story. In the Bentons’ case, the biological parents’ rights have been terminated by the state and the couple will pursue adoption of their foster children.

Still, the Bentons are determined to keep the biological parents engaged in the lives of the children.

“Not only are we able to change the family norm for these kids, but we also have an opportunity with the parents to give them a chance to see family working in a different way.”

Ryan Benton, foster parent “In my perfect world, I want the birth parents to be an active part of our kids’ lives,” said Ryan, who doesn’t want his kids to wonder where they came from or think they entered foster care through some fault of their own.

“They have parents who love them but didn’t have the capacity to keep them safe and they have another family that’s been called to love them.”

“Beyond providing love and affection to a child, you really sign up to be a mentor to a parent. You’re fostering a family.”

Judith Cope, foster parent

Approaching bridging with grace When it comes to reunification, one of the most common, knee-jerk reactions for potential foster parents and community members alike is that a parent whose child has been removed from the home shouldn’t be able to get that child back.

Jena Collins, child placement coordinator for foster placement agency Anna’s House, said it’s critical for foster parents to understand biological families love their children but have made mistakes. Those parents must work through a specific treatment plan with the Oklahoma Department of Human Services (OKDHS) to reunite with their children. While friction and frustration often remain between foster and biological parents, the foster parents who take time to empathize with a biological parent’s background and situation find bridging a little easier.

“There are broken families who need help,” said foster dad Jeff DeGiacomo. “No one wants to see addiction, anger, abuse or any other negative factor destroy a family, but it happens every day. There are innocent children in these families who need a nurturing, supportive environment while their family walks through difficult times.”

“The key to foster care is to remember it’s not about you, but it’s about these children.”

Jeff DeGiacomo, foster parent Sarah Latham, who has experienced both reunification and adoption in her foster parent journey, imagines herself in the biological parents’ shoes, wanting to be able to care for their own children but struggling to do so.

She describes foster care as a “ministry to the whole family.”

“It would mean so much to have the support of strangers who loved my child in their home and loved me enough to meet me where I was and help me become the parent I longed to be,” said Latham. “It is truly a privilege to be able to instill hope and confidence in the

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hearts of parents who desperately want to raise their own children.”

necessary changes to their situations, the long-term impact on the child remains.

care for the children and being respectful and supportive of the biological family.”

Cope has fostered seven children, all of whom eventually returned home. Perhaps the most important lesson she’s learned along the way is to humanize the biological parents she interacts with. Cope was 24 years old when she fostered her first child and often felt angry with the biological mother for what she had put the child through. Her relationship with the biological mom of her second placement changed her mindset entirely.

“When [foster children] experience stresses that are extreme, it changes their wiring,

Bridging in action

“She had been a foster child herself,” said Cope. “She had been through shelters and various homes. No one had ever given her a chance or modeled relationships [to her]. How can we expect her to perform [as a mother] at the level you and I would after she’s been through all this trauma? It’s simply not possible.”

Cope believes being a foster parent has even more to do with mentoring a parent who has been failed than caring for that parent’s child. Most biological parents have never experienced healthy relationships, so they have no idea how to have one with their children. In many cases, these families have had no access to parenting resources and oftentimes their work with foster parents and OKDHS is the first time they have experienced lessons in how to parent safely and successfully. In several cases, Cope has become the most stable, healthy relationship in the lives of the biological parents she’s mentored.

“If I can show one family they can be restored to the point of being capable to take care of children, I want to be that support system and give them that opportunity,” she said.

Bridging reduces trauma to the child Like the Bentons plan to do, keeping foster kids connected to their biological families, whether or not they can successfully be reunited, causes less trauma to that child in the long run. Trauma is inevitable for foster children, even if it simply stems from being removed from the only home and parents they have ever known.

“You go from seeing a parent every day to [seeing them] two hours per month,” Cope said.

While it’s imperative that a child be removed from an unsafe situation and biological parents have the time and space to make

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“No one wants to see addiction, anger, abuse or any other negative factor destroy a family, but it happens every day. There are innocent children in these families who need a nurturing, supportive environment while their family walks through difficult times.”

Jeff DeGiacomo, foster parent changes the hormones released in the body,” said Dr. Deb Shropshire, pediatrician and deputy director of child welfare community partnerships for OKDHS. “It’s not so different from what war veterans deal with.”

Approximately 54 percent of the children in foster care in Oklahoma as of November 2015 have a case plan goal to return home.

Statistics show the more visits a foster child has with his or her biological parents, the more likely he or she is to return home.

“If a custody child can see their birth parents having positive interaction with the foster parents, this can reduce the amount of stress and anxiety the child may be experiencing,” said Collette Pendarvis, Region III recruitment coordinator for OKDHS. “The more interaction, the better the outcome.”

Shawn Black, executive director of Oklahoma Association of Youth Services (OAYS), added it’s imperative for children to maintain the bond with their families so they, too, can heal.

“It allows children to know their parents are okay,” Black said of bridging. “Children often worry about their parents when they have no contact. It allows parents and children to grow and heal together when there is a supportive foster family helping

The Bentons are quick to point out that their success as foster parents has everything to do with a tremendous support system.

When it comes to bridging with biological families in particular, foster parents don’t have to journey the unknown and sometimes tumultuous waters on their own.

Foster placement agencies like OAYS, Anna’s House and Sunbeam Family Services not only recruit and train foster families, they also help them build relationships with biological families. Whenever possible, the agencies ensure biological and foster families meet upfront to quell fears on both sides. Inevitably, these initial meetings can be emotional for everyone involved. For biological parents, the wounds of having their children removed are still fresh.

“Once the initial emotions and insecurities are addressed and the family understands that the foster family’s goal is to help their family heal and be reunified, it is beneficial to everyone,” said Black.

Most biological families Black has dealt with don’t have a support system, so seeing the foster family truly cares for both them and their children can be life-altering. OAYS staff members encourage foster families to bridge by including biological families in doctor visits, school and church events.

According to Collins, when biological families feel connected to the daily lives of their children, they can more easily focus on the improvements they need to make to get their children back.

“If I can show one family they can be restored to the point of being capable to take care of children, I want to be that support system and give them that opportunity.”

Judith Cope, foster parent

“Bio families can think foster parents are the enemy,” said Collins. “If we can put a bio parent at ease and help them understand we want to see them succeed, that sets a foundation for developing that relationship.

It’s great for foster parents to let them know their kids will be taken care of so they can get the help and support they need.”

New beginnings

Cope encourages foster families to bridge slowly, working up to a relationship that will be healthy and beneficial for everyone.

Sunbeam case workers help foster families set appropriate boundaries with biological parents. The agency encourages regular phone communication between foster families, children and biological parents, but they do so with an app that doesn’t require the foster family to provide their phone number.

“The key to foster care is to remember it’s not about you, but it’s about these children,” DeGiacomo said. “When you are not focused on the pain that you might feel when you have to send a child back home or they move to another home, but rather [remain] focused on giving that child the love and care they deserve right now.”

Cope points out that many biological parents haven’t had the structure other families do, so their parameters of what is acceptable will likely be different from the foster family.

Case workers help foster families navigate setting specific schedules for visitation and serving as visit supervisors when appropriate.

“This isn’t a free-for-all,” said Cope. “The bio parents have to be responsible. They [foster families] can set the bar for what things are going to look like.”

Because trust is often hard for biological parents to develop, Cope cautions foster parents to not expect them to show immense gratitude for the care of their children early on. But, she has seen time and again that those relationships can and will flourish over time.

“If you have normalized that parent and see them as a player equal to you, they will be motivated to share their successes with you, like completing classes,” said Cope. That encouragement will trickle down to their children.

DeGiacomo has felt the conflicting emotions of great pain and true joy as he and his wife watched children they have fostered return home to family, knowing they gave everything they could to those children while in their care.

“I had given my all and done my work,” said Cope. “It took awhile to get over my anger.

But I truly think people change in their heart.”

Cope has realized that often their children are the only thing in the biological parents’ world worth fighting for, and that makes her want to fight for the relationship, too. She feels grateful those parents have allowed her to have long-term relationships with her former foster kids, which includes babysitting the children, the families coming to her home and simply being a listening ear when they need one. She drove to Montana last year to visit a former foster child who had been home for a year.

Cope has experienced extreme frustration with the biological parents she’s worked with over the years, including a sibling set who went home briefly and eventually came back to live with Cope. She’s hoping their upcoming second reunification is successful.

“I’ve tried to make sure I have laid the foundation to have a relationship,” said Cope.

“These kids are an extension of my family.

Their parents are my family, too.”

“Once the initial emotions and insecurities are addressed and the family understands that the foster family’s goal is to help their family heal and be reunified, it is beneficial to everyone.”

“Foster care is service and ministry to a whole family,” said Latham. “The foster child is not an isolated being. An open, encouraging relationship with birth parents is one of the best gifts a foster parent can give to their foster child. It’s hard to love broken children who arrive suddenly in your home, it’s hard to love birth parents who have made serious mistakes and it’s hard to say goodbye to a child who’s found a place in your heart.

[But] it’s a valiant effort and it is always worth it!”

The journey isn’t an easy one, and for those foster parents who continue those relationships long-term, the end of one chapter is really just a segue into the next.

Shawn Black, Oklahoma Association of Youth Services

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Debunking 6 Myths Of Foster Care F rank Alberson was abused by his parents until age 6. A failed adoption was followed by bouncing from foster care placement to placement until age 18. After taking a landscaping job at Anderson University in Indiana, Alberson dreamed of earning a college degree. With no family and no support, he accumulated enough grants and loans to attend Anderson University. Alberson met a friend in his dorm who took him home for the holidays, knowing he had no family with whom to celebrate. That friend’s family eventually adopted Alberson at the age of 18. Alberson is now the executive director of White Fields, a home for abused and neglected boys whose parental rights have been terminated.

Located in Piedmont, the sprawling campus offers structure, stability, therapeutic care and family to boys who’ve experienced multiple failed foster care placements, as many as 30 in the two years before they come to White Fields. These children literally have no place else to go. With graduated levels of care on one campus, Alberson and his team help their boys heal, find a sense of belonging in an onsite foster home and prepare them for adulthood.

Takeisa Sims was placed in kinship foster care as a newborn. Addicted to drugs, her biological mom asked a cousin to care for Sims until she could get her life together.

Though reunification was in the plans for Sims early on, her foster mom eventually became her legal guardian, her only foster placement and her permanent family. When Sims says the word “mom,” she’s referring to her foster mom: “She raised me; she’s my mom.” Even so, throughout childhood and now into adulthood, Sims continued to have a relationship with her biological mom and siblings, thanks, she says, to her foster mom’s support. Now pursuing a master’s degree in social work at the University of Oklahoma so

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND, WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM

she can help other children in foster care, she firmly believes her biological mom deserves credit for the woman she is today, too.

“I thank my mom for the selfless act of giving me up. I know she’s had problems and done things she regrets, but I also know she’s always loved us.”

Alberson and Sims represent the vastly different experiences of the more than 9,500 children in out-of-home care in the state of Oklahoma. Like Sims, some are in state custody as a result of parents facing difficult situations, battling substance abuse, living in poverty or not having the skills or resources to parent successfully. Like Alberson, others have suffered abuse. Some can be safely reunited with their biological parents after a time in foster care. Others will need a new forever home. Regardless of their final destination, children in state custody need respite in the form of a secure, loving foster family.

“I believe that if someone has an ability to help a child in need, they also have a responsibility to help them,” said foster mom Carrie Tanner. “We need more people to take responsibility and step up to help these kids.”

Fear of the unknown Sunbeam Family Services, an Oklahoma City non-profit serving vulnerable children, seniors and families through services like foster care, recently conducted a focus group of current, former and potential foster parents. All agreed that the greatest fear associated with becoming a foster parent is that of the unknown. But those who had fostered children agreed the benefits outweigh the challenges.

“You’re helping heal and reunite families,” said Erin Engelke, chief external relations officer for Sunbeam. “Foster parents are serving as a bridge and building toward something much greater.”

The words “foster care” often have negative connotations in our society: disturbing news stories, abused children, criminal parents.

But current and former foster kids like Sims want the public to know that despite the myths and stereotypes about them, they are just children, who desperately need someone to love and invest in them.

“My mom didn’t know what she was doing at first,” said Sims, whose foster mom also fostered Sims’ biological brothers, along with several other non-relative children. “But she treated us like she’d have us forever, even though she didn’t know how long we’d stay. If you give a foster child that love,

like any child, you can make a tremendous difference.”

Dispelling the myths of foster care

One barrier that keeps many from becoming foster parents is fear of the unknown. To give a realistic look at what to expect when becoming a foster family, here are some answers to common foster care questions.

Foster kids are bad, 1damaged or have done

something wrong to be placed in foster care.

Children are placed in foster care through no fault of their own. Approximately 70 percent of foster children in Oklahoma need care as a result of neglect, which typically results from biological parents who don’t have the resources or skills to parent. Neglect can stem from poverty, mental illness, substance abuse or the cyclical nature of the system, which shows parents who have been in foster care are more likely to have children in foster care.

Around 28 percent of children in foster care have experienced physical abuse, and 3 to 5 percent have been sexually abused. It is true that foster children have all experienced some level of trauma, which can result from being taken from their homes or moved to multiple placements.

“That’s what much of being a foster parent is,” said Jennifer Brown, child welfare program supervisor for the Oklahoma Department of Human Services, “learning to parent a child who’s been through trauma.”

While potential foster parents often worry they’ll have no say over the age, needs and background of children placed in their home, the opposite is usually true.

“We encourage our families to learn and communicate to us what age, needs and background of child that their family would best care for,” said Natalie Houtz, independent living coordinator & foster care specialist for Lilyfield Christian Adoption and Foster Care, a non-profit foster care and adoption placement agency in Oklahoma City.

Angels Foster Family Network, a non-profit

foster care placement agency in Edmond, helps match parents to the best foster child for them by requiring potential foster parents to take a personality test. The results help Angels determine if parents have the personality, mental stability and patience to handle the challenges that come with fostering a child. Much thought and care is given to those children who have suffered abuse at the hands of their biological families.

“Children who have been severely abused are evaluated before placement and put into a home that accepts their needs and therapy plans,” said Jennifer Abney, executive director of Angels. “Those children who suffered from sexual abuse are thoughtfully placed in a home with older children, or no children. They receive specific therapy to help them recover.”

kids will be 2a badFosterinfluence on my

biological or adopted kids, or harm my family in some way.

This myth also stems from the misconception that the majority of foster children have been abused, and will in turn abuse others. While foster children are likely to act out and need specific care and therapy to work through what they have endured, it’s unlikely they will cause harm to a family. The majority of issues foster parents encounter with foster children are not unlike the challenges any parent faces.

“Foster care brings an immense amount of change to any family; however, its impact often has as many positive effects as potential negative effects on a family’s biological children,” said Houtz. “Foster care allows biological children to see firsthand that all families are different and that can be a good thing, even though it is often difficult to navigate.”

Encouraging biological and adopted children to participate in foster care training, and teaching them how to communicate any concerning behaviors by foster children is vital for potential foster parents. After placement, parents should communicate regularly with biological and adopted children about how they feel, behaviors they’ve witnessed and concerns they have.

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Ongoing training and counseling for the entire family is also key to long-term success.

At White Fields, the staff has the benefit of evaluating and working with their boys over an extended period of time. It’s a given that biological and adopted children will be exposed to situations they may not have otherwise. Engelke, whose family fostered children when she and her sister were young, said being part of a foster family enriched her own life growing up. She learned to focus less on herself and more on the needs of others.

not equipped to 3beI’ma foster parent, and I’ll have no support.

For foster placement agencies like Angels, Sunbeam and Lilyfield, support doesn’t end when the training is complete and a child has been placed with a family. Agencies serve as liaisons between OKDHS and their foster families, and they each offer ongoing training and learning opportunities, individual and family counseling and support groups for parents, children in the home and foster children. Lilyfield even provides meals during the first few days following a new placement. Angels parents have 24/7 access to their social workers, who make regular visits to their foster families and attend all parent visitations and court dates. Foster mother Carrie Tanner credits Angels as the reason she’s still fostering.

“There were times when we were ready to give up because it can be so stressful and heartbreaking,” Tanner said, “but they have given us so much support and we have never been alone to do this ourselves.”

Evidence of the tight-knit bond among the Oklahoma foster care community, Angels offers two unique programs to any child in foster care and their foster parents.

Angels’ HALO therapy program helps foster children, and their foster parents and siblings, understand and deal with reactive attachment disorder. Therapists work with the foster children on attachment and bonding activities, while parents separately receive training to help their foster children learn to trust them.

Several local organizations support foster families in the state. Citizens Caring for Children hosts an annual back-to-school drive for children in foster care, with clothing and backpacks full of school supplies.

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Church of the Harvest in Oklahoma City hosts an annual camp for foster children and the church also hosts Foster Parents’ Nights Out, where foster, adopted and biological children can be dropped off for the evening.

Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) of Oklahoma County provides trained court appointed volunteers to help advocate for the best interests of individual foster children in the court system.

Support even extends to social media. Parents can use the “Foster Care and Adoptive Association of Oklahoma” Facebook page, where current and potential foster families can ask questions, celebrate successes, find family friendly events, and discuss challenges.

Foster care will 4 lead to adoption.

“The purpose of foster care is first and foremost the restoration of the biological family,” said Houtz. “A foster family’s role is to provide a safe and nurturing home to a child while connecting to the biological family in ways that are safe, healthy and help the biological family improve their ability to care for their children.”

As of June 2015, 47 percent of foster children in Oklahoma County have a plan to be reunited with their biological parents. Foster moms Whitney Hollingsworth and Joyce Estes both have adopted children they have fostered, and they have also experienced great joy in mentoring biological parents who can eventually be reunited with their children.

The Estes family’s first placement, two girls under age 2, required Estes to communicate directly with their biological parents since the girls couldn’t. After talking on the phone a few times and meeting them in court, Estes realized how much they loved their children.

“They worked so hard,” said Estes. “The court said ‘jump,’ and they jumped. I was very touched that they wanted to do anything they could, that it was not acceptable to them for their kids to be gone. And they were touched that I was caring for their girls and for them. We developed a good partnership.”

Now successfully reunited with their parents for three years, the girls have a new sister.

Estes talks to the mom nearly every day, babysits all three girls occasionally and calls them “extended family.”

When reunification isn’t possible, adoption

by a loving family is the next best option.

While Hollingsworth and her husband fostered a baby with medical needs, they stayed in close contact with the biological mom, who was struggling with sobriety.

When the mom decided she couldn’t parent the child, she asked Hollingsworth if she’d consider adopting her. The adoption was recently finalized, but Hollingsworth is committed to helping her keep a relationship with her biological mom, now incarcerated.

She writes letters, sends photos and plans to visit soon.

parents 5 Biological have failed their

children, and they don’t deserve to get their kids back.

“Most birth parents who have their children taken away are stuck in a situation where they just need help,” said Tanner. “A birth parent has to choose to work a plan to get their children back. That work is hard, but parenting isn’t meant to be easy.”

Brown works with families who’ve been referred to and investigated by OKDHS, both those who’ve had children removed and those who’ve been deemed safe to keep their children in the home. Brown reiterates that many of these families have no access to parenting resources, and their work with OKDHS is sometimes the first they’ve had help understanding how to parent safely and successfully.

“We use an evidence-based model to help them improve their parenting skills, help them understand how to discipline their children, even really basic things like keeping their house clean,” said Brown.

Estes, who initially fostered to adopt, has become an advocate for reunification, and now realizes that foster parents help more than just the child—they help the whole family.

“All kinds of things happen to people to get them where they are, it’s not just one thing,” said Estes. “They’re not out to mess up their kids’ lives, but sometimes things get out of control. We’ve all been in hard places. You can be their best chance from breaking the cycle and getting out of bad decisions.”

Though Hollingsworth admits frustration

with biological parents, she also said her heart breaks for them, recalling one mom she’s mentored.

“If she had what she needed to take care of her children, she would have done it,” she said. “But suffering through domestic violence, living in shelters and hotels … she didn’t want any of that to happen to her. At the end of the day, she loves her children and wants the best for them.”

my 6heartIt willto givebreaka foster child back.

“This is most certainly always true,” said Abney. “It is the role of all foster parents to love a foster child unconditionally and not to foster to fill a personal need. However, these children belong to someone else. Until the court makes a decision to terminate parental rights, these children need to feel like you are supporting them in every way, which means helping them get back home.”

Be the one “I could never do what you do.” “My lifestyle wouldn’t accommodate foster children.” “I’m afraid.” “Someone else will take care of those kids.”

foster parents receive training. All the agencies are seeking families and individuals to provide respite, or short-term, care for foster children.

These are words foster parents hear regularly.

Foster parents are often placed on pedestals as martyrs, fighting the good fight while the rest of us applaud them from afar. It’s true that foster parenting isn’t for everyone, but there are countless opportunities to directly play a supportive role in the life of a foster child or foster family.

“As a foster parent, you go through so many emotions … anger, loss, frustration, happiness, sadness, joy and hope,” said Tanner. “But eventually you hit a point where you realize that your feelings and emotions are not what this is about. It’s about saving children who need us, and whatever they are going through, whatever they need, it’s just more important than everything else … even you. Until enough people figure that out, Oklahoma is going to remain in a foster care crisis. It’s not enough to pray that these kids will find someone. You have to be that someone.”

White Fields is seeking foster families to live on their campus, but they’re also seeking community members to serve as mentors and tutors to their boys. Angels Foster Family Network needs volunteers to help with their programs. Lilyfield Christian Adoption and Foster Care needs volunteers to provide child care for monthly support groups, mentor teens in foster care, host a foster child for the holidays, and mentor and support women who have aged out of foster care and are attending college. Sunbeam Family Services needs volunteers to provide child care while

[Editor’s Note: Learn more about becoming a foster parent and find volunteer opportunities to support foster children, visit www. metrofamilymagazine.com/foster.]

Hollingsworth, like many foster parents who develop positive relationships with biological parents, still sees several of her former foster children. One recently went on vacation with her husband. Another stayed with her family for several weeks while his parents went through a separation and needed time and space to figure things out.

Estes explains to friends and family that worrying about the heartbreak associated with parting with foster children means you will be able to love them enough to give them a great home, however long that may last.

“Although it is incredibly painful to love a child, then have them leave your home, that child’s need for a loving, nurturing home is far greater than any grief or loss we might experience,” said Houtz. “As a foster family builds a relationship with a biological family, often the foster family can become a support and mentor to that biological family, allowing them to maintain connection with a child after they return to their biological family.”

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It takes a village:

Critical support for foster families

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abitha Jones assumed guardianship of her niece and nephew in 2013, becoming a single parent nearly overnight. Jordan and Jentry, ages 4 and 5 at the time, moved from Texas to live with Jones while she and the children’s biological parents, along with an attorney, completed the necessary steps for Jones to become their

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guardian. Two years later, Jones has a vastly different life and is especially grateful for the help she’s received from countless individuals and organizations along the way.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND, WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM

“It truly does take a village,” Jones said.

“Without the support of my family and friends, this would not have been possible.

Everybody in my life has gone above and beyond in providing me and the children with support and love.”

For traditional foster parents and even adoptive parents, a typical fear is traveling this difficult, emotional journey alone. But many find the opposite is true.

“As a single mom with no family in the state, a support system was especially critical for me,” said April Adams, who has fostered and adopted through Sunbeam Family Services.

“Sunbeam has a person on-call 24/7, which is truly a blessing. When I was new to fostering, I could call and feel supported in any of my panicky moments. Having that lifeline is invaluable.”

Jones has relied on the Oklahoma Department of Human Services (OKDHS) for its guardianship placement services, made use of private counseling services for her niece and nephew and also credits her employer for supporting her and being understanding about the changes in her life. Jones and Adams admit they were both scared and unsure at the beginning of their journeys, and that fear still surfaces occasionally. Jones remembers she and the kids both crying at the dinner table the first night at her home.

“I was scared to death,” said Jones, who also recalls being especially anxious about dropping her niece off for her first day of school. “I broke down sobbing in the front office, and then again when I got to work.”

But Jones and Adams have learned that any form of parenting comes with fear and insecurities, which are assuaged by a community ready and willing to help.

“After being immersed in this community for four years, I’ve almost forgotten there are people not involved in foster care! The resources out there are amazing, and the support is there.”

Foster mom April Adams

“You will enter it feeling alone and thinking you are ‘the only crazy person’ you know,” Adams said of becoming a foster parent.

“However, after being immersed in this community for four years, I’ve almost forgotten there are people not involved in foster care! The resources out there are amazing, and the support is there. It’s very easy to get connected to great fostering communities once you take that step.”

Material goods help ease financial burdens While a toothbrush and change of clothing don’t seem like much, to a foster child with nothing to his or her name and a foster parent taking in a child within an hour of receiving a placement call, it can be everything. When children are removed from their homes, they often leave most belongings behind. Going to a new home, learning that home’s rules and schedule and relying on unknown people to care for them are difficult changes for foster children, especially without anything to call their own.

Citizens Caring for Children is a nonprofit that supports foster families by providing material goods and emotional support. Each year, the organization meets the needs of more than 4,000 foster children in Central Oklahoma through its Resource Center, backto-school program, Joy 4 Kids holiday gifts and mentoring services.

“Children in foster care experience a lot of turmoil in their young lives, and while it may not seem like a lot to provide material goods to these children, we believe that the more self-confidence we can help instill for the children, the better chance of success they have in school and in life,” said Lauren Barnes, director of operations for Citizens Caring for Children. “The stipend that foster parents receive from the state is far from covering all of a child’s expenses, so we try to help bridge that gap.”

The stipend foster parents receive through the Oklahoma Department of Human Services ranges from $506.40 to $646.20 per child, depending on the child’s age. The Citizens Caring for Children Resource Center had more than 2,700 visits in 2014, and each child can visit four times per year. Items are new and range from necessities like toiletries and clothing to popular children’s items like a stuffed animal and coloring books.

“We have had children ask why the shoes have plastic bags in the box because they

have never seen new shoes before,” Barnes said. “Other children are so excited for their new clothes that they wear them out. The foster parents are always excited to receive the help, and many wonder how they went so long without knowing about our services.”

Similarly, Circle of Care, a nonprofit that places foster children and assists children and families in crisis, offers co-ops, where there is no limit on the items of clothing a foster child can receive. Through partnerships with various churches and United Way of Central Oklahoma, Circle of Care can provide material goods like car seats (properly fitted by trained volunteers) and cribs. The organization also reimburses $250 per year, per child to its foster families to cover expenses for typical childhood experiences, like a zoo pass, museum memberships or camp fees. Welcome baskets are delivered to each Circle of Care foster family when a child is placed in the home, including an outfit, blanket, photo album, toys and a toothbrush for the child.

“We want them to feel safe and welcome right away,” said Mike Slack, vice president of development for Circle of Care. “I had three baby showers when my son was born.

There’s no time for showers with foster kids.”

Local foster mom Wisper Ruder, a former foster child herself, has a total of seven children in her home, and knows first-hand expenses can be astronomical. Consider buying back-to-school supplies and clothes for four or five kids all at once. She and her husband now make use of Circle of Care’s co-op, back-to-school supplies and Christmas wish list fulfillments, easing their financial burdens considerably and allowing them to continue providing critical, loving support to the children in their home.

Therapy and support groups offer healing In conjunction with the fear of tackling foster care alone is foster parents’ typical worry that they won’t be able to handle their foster children’s traumatic backgrounds, and the emotional outbursts and challenging behavior that can come with it.

Already familiar with her niece and nephew’s living situation and behaviors before she became their guardian, Jones knew counseling was imperative to help them heal.

The kids began counseling as soon as they came to live with her and she’s seen firsthand the impact it’s made.

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Before they are officially certified and children are placed in their home, foster parents working with Lilyfield Christian and Adoption Services receive extensive training on the impacts of trauma and how to help foster children heal. The trauma all foster children have experienced, whether due to neglect, abuse, multiple placements or simply being removed from the only home and parents they have ever known, affects their very brain chemistry and potentially their ability to develop empathy, trust and conscience.

“A traumatic experience is one in which we feel profoundly and deeply unsafe, so much so that even after the frightening experience is over, we may still experience feelings of fear or anxiety,” said Mireille Mistkowski, manager of marketing communication and development for NorthCare, a community mental health center offering counseling and therapy services. “Children in foster care may have also experienced changes in homes and caregivers. Not only is this kind of disruption traumatic, but it can also influence the way that children attach to their new caregivers and other adults in their life.”

Lilyfield, along with other foster care placement and adoption agencies in the state, use the evidence-based, trauma-focused Trust Based Relation Intervention (TBRI) approach, which specifically addresses issues for children having difficulty bonding with their family. Foster children often have emotional or behavioral issues related to their past trauma, and the TBRI method facilitates a process of trust and communication, which directly addresses their attachment issues. According to therapists at NorthCare, it’s imperative that foster parents employ empathy and imagination to better understand why their foster children behave the way they do.

“To imagine what it would be like for an older sibling to feed their younger brothers and sisters is an important step to understanding why this child might hoard food under her bed,” Mistkowski said, “even in a house with a fully-stocked fridge and pantry.”

In addition to directly helping foster children heal from the trauma they have undergone, many therapy programs include family and individual counseling for foster parents, equipping them with new parenting strategies for children who have experienced trauma and a deeper understanding of their children.

“We often work individually with a child and incorporate the parents into the therapy process,” said Lisa Hopkins, marketing and development coordinator for Lilyfield. “We

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educate the parents on common issues that arise for foster and adoptive parents. We know the challenges that face foster families are complex and that families need continued training and support as they parent the children they welcome into their home.”

Lilyfield and NorthCare’s individual and counseling services are available for any individuals or families who need them. Both Lilyfield and Sunbeam Family Services provide free childcare during monthly

“We know the challenges that face foster families are complex and that families need continued training and support as they parent the children they welcome into their home.”

Lisa Hopkins with Lilyfield support groups and training, which Adams knows is key.

“I know many foster parents who have a difficult time meeting their continuing education requirements because many trainings lack child care,” Adams said.

“Child care can be tricky for foster parents.”

Support groups and training cover a variety of topics, including attachment, trust, effective communication, safety and parenting styles. Foster parents often find a great deal of comfort in these support groups and ongoing training.

“I typically attend trainings at Sunbeam even if I am not in need of hours because I value the time I am able to spend with other foster parents,” said Adams, who also stays connected with foster parents through Facebook groups and physical support groups. “It’s so great to know that you can go to a group of people and ask for last minute items that you need for the placement you just were informed you will be getting, or just have other people who truly understand the journey you are on. I need that foster parent community like I need oxygen!”

Sunbeam, Lilyfield and Circle of Care all host parties throughout the year to help foster families celebrate the holidays, special events and each other.

“It’s a wonderful opportunity to just feel the love and support of the community,” Adams said.

Caring adults help mend young hearts Many foster children don’t know what a stable relationship with a responsible adult looks like. When they are welcomed into a loving foster home that offers consistency and compassion, they begin to understand how relationships should function. Beyond foster parents, it’s important that foster children learn to develop trust in other reliable adults. And it’s critical that foster parents get a break from the physical, emotional and mental demands on their lives.

Jones’ sister and brother-in-law are regular caregivers for their niece and nephew, helping her navigate her work schedule and giving her some time off when she needs it.

According to Slack, it’s imperative that foster parents find and declare these alternative caregivers. At Circle of Care, while alternative caregivers aren’t fully trained as foster parents, they do undergo a tentative home study and initial review. Alternative caregivers can also quickly take a child in an emergency, like an illness or death in the family.

“Foster parents need to have a day to clean house, unwind or take a weekend away,” said Slack. “At Circle of Care, we even pay the alternative caregivers so they can take the child out to eat and take care of any other expenses of having the child in their home.”

OKDHS and foster placement agencies also train and offer respite caregivers. Respite care can last for up to two weeks, and can also be used when families need a break or have an emergency.

“I felt like I was finally making a difference and there was finally some healthy attachments.”

Foster mom Tabitha Jones

Becoming an alternative or respite caregiver can be a more realistic alternative for individuals or families who aren’t able to commit to full-time foster care.

“Although our preference is to have families who want to care for a child for as long as that child needs it, we also need families who are willing to assist and support foster families,” said Tricia Howell, bridge deputy director for OKDHS. “Many families who are interested have asked to just do respite so they can determine if they can make the commitment necessary to provide foster care.”

Ruder and her husband make use of Circle of Care’s regular Foster Parents Nights Out, hosted at local churches. Parents receive free child care for several hours for all children in the home.

Foster children can also develop positive,

Mentors must be at least 21 years of age, commit to at least one year of volunteering with the program, complete an application, interview and background check and attend training sessions.

Taking the leap of faith While OKDHS is the agency ultimately responsible for keeping children in our state safe from abuse and neglect, it cannot meet those needs without the assistance of families throughout Oklahoma.

“Oklahoma families have always been willing to step up and care for children who, for reasons outside of their control, come into the foster care system,” said Howell. “Currently we do not have enough families to care for the many children in care and need more than ever for Oklahomans to step up to the challenge and take care of our own.”

For Jones and Adams alike, their fears about their abilities as guardians and foster parents have been alleviated by the people, resources and support systems at their fingertips.

Challenges remain, but they know they can conquer them with the help of their respective villages.

long-term relationships with trained adults through mentorship programs, like the one offered by Citizens Caring for Children.

Children and mentors are matched for at least one year, with meetings of eight hours per month. Mentors take their mentees to movies, the park, restaurants, adventure and amusement parks, or simply sit and talk.

“Through the consistency and support of a mentor, we strive to keep the foster children in school and motivate them to be productive members of society, either through higher education or work,” said Barnes. “The relationship built between mentor and mentee is a bond that can last for years. We have several mentors who are no longer officially matched, but they still talk to their mentee regularly and support them as much as they can.”

“The biggest challenge is just the unknown,” Adams said. “Foster care cases do not come with clear endings. Having a child in your home that you care for daily and love so deeply with absolutely no idea what their future holds can be exhausting and emotionally draining.”

For a person who doesn’t like anticipation, and admits to seeking out TV show spoilers and reading the end of a book first, Adams has found the highlights and successes far outweigh her fears.

“Adopting my boys and being able to establish a peaceful and ongoing relationship with the biological family has been a blessing

“It’s a wonderful opportunity to just feel the love and support of the community.”

Foster mom April Adams

for everyone,” Adams said. “Bridging with the family of another child and witnessing their successful reunification was rewarding beyond anything I could have imagined. It has taught me so much about people from different walks of life that I never would have experienced and learned without this journey.

My compassion has grown in ways that it never could have otherwise.”

For Jones, success means more laughing than crying and spending quality time as a family, doing normal things like snuggling on the couch watching a movie.

“The best feeling by far, though, was hearing them tell me they love me without me saying it first,” said Jones. “I felt like I was finally making a difference and there was finally some healthy attachments formed.”

[Editor’s Note: To learn more about becoming a foster parent and find volunteer opportunities to support foster children, visit www.metrofamilymagazine.com/foster.]

Trained volunteers

lend a hand Even with the support experts like an OKDHS case worker, a private agency case worker and an attorney, foster parents can feel overwhelmed with the paperwork and court proceedings involved with their cases.

This is where CASA of Oklahoma County can step in to provide a trained, courtappointed volunteer to advocate for the best interests of a local foster child. Advocates ensure their foster children’s voices are heard in court and make independent and informed recommendations to help the judge decide what’s best for each child in terms of a permanent home.

“You might see a biological family on the verge of losing their parental rights when a CASA volunteer enters the case, and with the support and recognition of the unmet needs, the parents themselves can change the trajectory of the case to reunification,” said Lee Ann Limber, former executive director of CASA of Oklahoma County. “Conversely,

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a CASA may enter a case when child welfare is recommending reunification and discover facts and concerns that change the direction of the case.”

While the various case workers, attorneys, judge and foster parents all have the best interest of the child in mind, a CASA’s advocacy is focused solely on his or her one child or sibling group.

“One of the glories of being a CASA volunteer is that typically you are only assigned to one case or one family of children for whom you are advocating, while the child welfare worker has 15 to 20 other cases, 40 or more children within those cases and multiple foster homes to visit,” Limber said.

By the same token, a child’s OKDHS worker is charged with addressing the needs of both the children and the biological family, providing reasonable efforts in most cases for the family to reunify. CASA volunteers work to ease the burden of foster parents, especially when they have biological children of their own and more than one foster child.

“While it is a testament to the depth of their

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compassion and desire to protect children from future pain,” Limber said, “foster parents’ attachment to the children can limit their ability to see future alternatives, while it is easier for a CASA, as a trained professional who has never acted in the role of parent to the children, to assess from a more factdriven perspective.”

CASA volunteers also connect foster families with resources and services. A CASA may help get a child to therapy or coordinate efforts with his or her school to address academic or behavioral issues. In cases where siblings are split between foster homes, the CASA volunteer often plays an instrumental role in facilitating visitation between the children and, in some instances, visitation with the biological parents. Sometimes they are simply a person on the other end of the phone, willing to listen or lend a shoulder during difficult times.

Perhaps most importantly, CASA volunteers spend countless hours getting to know a child and listening to the foster parents thoughts and concerns about the child’s future. In 2014, CASA of Oklahoma County volunteers

“As one young CASA child said to her advocate after she had changed foster homes, ‘I knew you would find me,’” Limber said.

Currently, only about 30 percent of children in foster care in Oklahoma County have a CASA assigned to their cases. Judges typically assign a CASA to the most difficult or complex cases. But anyone related to a case, including a foster parent, can request a CASA volunteer when in court or by contacting the CASA office. Serving more foster children can only be accomplished by recruiting and training more volunteers.

G N I H T Y EVERguidE

Find “everything” for OKC families at www.metrofamilymagazine.com/directories

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drove more than 17,000 miles over the state of Oklahoma and spent an average of 12 hours per month working in their cases. They meet with their children in their foster homes, biological family’s homes, at restaurants, playgrounds and other community locations.

When they move placements, the CASA follows them, serving as a positive role model and constant relationship in their often tumultuous young lives.

From Our Foster Care Blog M PHOTOS BY KENDRA CATRON

y life for the past four years has been consumed with foster care. My husband and I had nearly completed our certifications with Oklahoma Department of Human Services adoptions when we began to feel uneasy and decided to put the whole adoption endeavor on hold. Days later, a dear friend introduced us to Angels Foster Family Network. We met with their president, Jennifer Abney, a week later.

There was just something about the tremendous need for families that caught me.

Every fiber of my being wanted to help these children. All my worries about finances, child care and our tiny home were addressed. Space didn’t matter.

As long as each foster child had a safe space and their own bed, we could be approved. Child care would be paid for by the Department of Human Services and finances would be no issue because there was a monthly reimbursement that would cover everything we needed for the child.

Every excuse I came up with had a counter.

The only thing holding us back was us. So we had to make the choice. We jumped in, and we were placed with our first foster child three months later. The next 18 months were flooded with every emotion a mother can think of, and I learned very quickly that being a foster parent is one of the most challenging experiences I will ever have the privilege of being a part of.

When our first baby was placed with us, I was selfish. We signed contracts saying we would be the bridge between the child and his birth family, constantly making efforts to reunite them as long as it was in the child’s best interest. But for me, along with many

new foster families, I wanted my home to be what was in his best interest. So I fought for him. And I fought hard.

For months I told myself there was no possible way a mother like his would be able to care for him. He was better off with us.

We were more educated, more financially stable, and for lack of a better word, we were “better” than she was. My desire to keep this child all to myself clouded my view of this tired, physically and cognitively disabled woman who showed up for every appointment, every visit and every court date on time or early. She would bring her son clothing every week to the visits, and for the hour they gave her, sit and play with him and hold him and talk to him. And every time they took him away from her, she cried.

Shamefully, I still didn’t attempt to feel her pain. Shamefully, I still only wanted him to be mine. I had forgotten how important my role was in being a foster mother and in being an example of true empathy to this woman.

She was giving all she had, and I was too entranced in the hope of being an adoptive mother to remember that adoption wasn’t what I had signed up for.

If you do a Google search for a description of the word “foster,” you will find two definitions. The second is “[to] bring up (a child that is not one’s own by birth).” But becoming a foster parent is something much more, and the first definition of “foster” describes this journey beautifully: “[to] encourage or promote the development of (something, typically something regarded as good).” The Oklahoma Department of Human Services, along with Angels Foster Family Network and all other agencies who contract with it, are meant to stand for that something good: family. They do their best to offer services to struggling birth parents so their children can come back and continue to be a part of their own family. Sometimes unfortunate events take place and family ties are severed forever, but it can be beautiful and joyous to see them reunite. I missed out on my very first opportunity to feel that joy when my first foster baby was reunified with his mom after 18 months in our home.

Instead I chose to be hurt, angry and even place blame upon the very organization that set out to help my foster son in the first place for my own feelings of loss and heartache. I was wrong.

The

importance of remembering why there is a need for selfless foster homes will make all the difference in our journey through foster care. We are meant to encourage and promote the bond of a child with his birth family, if at all possible. We are there to be whatever the child needs us to be, as long as they need us to be. Only when we strive to do what is best for our children, leaving out any hint of our own selfishness, can we truly accomplish what it means to be a foster parent. And every second of it will be worth it. It has been three years since our boy went home, and the one thing I wouldn’t change is how much I loved him. But if there was one thing I could do over again, I would have loved his mother.

Carrie Tanner is a stay-at-home mom of five (plus four dogs!). Her husband Zach was introduced to Angels Foster Family Network in May 2011. Just eight weeks later, they had their first placement. After caring for their foster son for 18 months, he was able to return to his biological family.

They were later placed with a sibling group of two that has grown into five. They adopted all five kids in June and are happily soaking up the feeling of being a forever family.

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BY ERIN PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM

Alone at 18:

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magine being 18 years old and completely on your own. No family. No support system. You have no credit history, so renting an apartment is virtually impossible. You haven’t completed high school or earned a GED, so college or a vocational school is out of the question. Even if they were an option, you don’t have the money to pay for school and no one to help you through the daunting application and financial aid processes. You’ve had no training in how to apply for, dress for or interview for a job. Would you make it?

This is the situation facing the more than 26,000 children who age out of foster care nationally each year. One out of five will become homeless after age 18. One in four will be involved in the justice system within two years of leaving the foster care system.

Only 58 percent will graduate high school.

Fewer than 3 percent will earn a college degree by age 25.

“They didn’t end up in this system because of their own problems,” said Dr. Laura Boyd, national public policy director for the Foster Family-based Treatment Association. “We haven’t figured out a way to support and engage these 26,000 who age out. Parental support makes a difference. If that’s true for kids who haven’t experienced trauma, how can we imagine these [foster] kids being successful?”

Boyd, who holds a PhD, jokes that it required an advances degree to help her granddaughter, whom she’s raising, apply for college. Her own hard work during the process brought to light even more what she’s been passionately preaching for years: “What do these kids do who not only don’t have support, but don’t have an invested and involved family?”

Preparing foster children for independence As of July 1, 2017, there were 9,044 children in OKDHS custody. At the end of the June, 2018, 5,203 children had exited the foster care system, with 4% or 208 of those aging

out without legal permanency. On July 15, 2018, OKDHS had 8,455 children in care.

“We believe so strongly that children need families,” said Holly Towers, executive director of Lilyfield Christian Adoption and Foster Care. “But we know there are so many kids who age out of the system without going home to their biological families or being adopted. This leaves these youth really on their own at age 18 and the community struggles to serve them well.”

In Oklahoma, when a child in foster care turns 16, he or she is automatically enrolled in the Oklahoma Department of Human Service’s independent living assessment program, which strives to prepare foster kids for a life on their own. Jennifer Boyer, programs supervisor for the OKDHS Independent Living program, said the key is not just helping these kids make a plan for what they want to do, but more importantly helping them identify permanent connections they can rely on.

“We can teach life skills.

But they need someone they can call when they get in trouble or need assistance.

Just because they are 18 doesn’t mean they don’t need permanency and someone to connect to.”

Jennifer Boyer, OKDHS Independent Living Thanks to federal funding, OKDHS offers a variety of programs and assistance for children aging out of the foster care system.

If a child hasn’t yet earned a GED upon turning 18, he or she can sign back into voluntary foster care to complete it as long as they have a foster care placement willing to keep them. OKDHS also allows kids over 18 to stay in care for the summer months between high school graduation and the start of vocational school or college. Financial aid and tuition waivers are available for statefunded colleges. Foster children are eligible for Medicaid until age 26 and OKDHS has

funds available to help with medical needs like contacts or dental work that might not be covered.

Along with the National Resource Center for Youth Services, OKDHS hosts seminars throughout the year for foster children to learn about the resources available to them as they age out and to meet other youth in care.

“It’s really important to help them develop relationships and meet other youth in their same situation,” said Boyer. “They understand where each other is coming from.”

A program called Oklahoma Successful Adulthood (OKSA) has been established for these teens or young adults which serves a variety of kids 14-22 to help them with education, career planning, life skills, aftercare services, transitional planning, housing, medical coverage and even some tuition waivers.

Part of OKDHS’s Road to Independence program, a partnership with the Oklahoma Housing Finance Agency seeks to reduce homelessness among former foster children by setting aside a certain number of housing vouchers for them. At age 17.5, OKDHS employees like Boyer will work with foster teens to find landlords that will accept those vouchers.

“We know there’s not enough housing for them,” said Boyer. “And they don’t have anyone to go live with or step in and assist them.”

Even with the programs and resources available, problems remain. In addition to successfully communicating with foster children what their options are after care, it’s also been difficult to convince them to take advantage of those resources.

“If a kid has no control over what’s happening in his life until age 18, and then he’s told he can walk, he will,” said Don Batson, president and CEO of Oklahoma United Methodist Circle of Care for Children and Youth.

Like any child rebelling against authority, Boyd calls foster kids’ desire to get away from the state’s care “normal development.”

But that leaves a void when they don’t know how to continue the services that could be available to them. Most have no idea how to set up a bank account or go grocery shopping; some don’t have driver’s licenses.

Many end up couch surfing or homeless.

OKDHS provides each foster child aging out with a helpline phone number and a

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“Certainly youth who spend time in foster care have faced significant challenges in their lives.

These young people are very vulnerable and often have little support.”

Holly Towers, Lilyfield Christian Adoption & Foster Care case manager they can call at anytime for assistance for just about anything, including a month’s rent or help with car repairs.

OKDHS posts that same helpline number at local homeless shelters and community service partners in hopes of reaching former foster children who need help. Boyer said they often hear from former foster youth a year or two after aging out when they realize they need help.

While Boyd recognizes the state and its various programs do what they can to connect kids with independent living services and communicate to them the resources available, she laments that the capacity of the state limits its abilities. This same realization has drawn local foster placement agencies and nonprofits to develop programming specific to kids aging out of foster care.

“Most of us realize that at age 18, we were not really equipped to make it on our own,” said Towers. “Certainly youth who spend time in foster care have faced significant challenges in their lives. These young people are very vulnerable and often have little support.”

Giving former foster kids a fighting chance Lilyfield launched its Gateway Independent Living program in 2014, focusing on a small target group of young women ages 18 to 25 who are pursuing a college degree. (Find more info at www.lilyfield.org/gatewayprogram.). The long-term program offers housing, educational support and mentoring.

All the services are free and women can be referred by OKDHS, community agencies

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or they can self-refer. Lilyfield has served ten women in various capacities since the program’s inception.* “Our goal with Gateway is deep, rather than wide,” said Towers. “The number of youth aging out of foster care is significant. We decided early on that we wanted to narrow our focus, and we have a long history of working with women through our other programs.”

In addition to keeping its program participants from becoming homeless, Lilyfield is imparting everyday skills these women haven’t been taught, like how to enroll in school, keep up with a class schedule and apply for health insurance.

Perhaps most significant, Lilyfield pairs each woman with a mentor family.

“Since many of the women are leaving group homes, they don’t have solid connections to help support them,” said Towers. “Our program cannot replace what a family does, but our hope is that mentor families will give our women support, encouragement, guidance and love as they enter adulthood.”

Working with Circle of Care’s Preparation for Adult Living (PAL) program, Jose (whose last name we cannot share for safety reasons) experienced firsthand the value of mentors who believed in him.

“When I aged out of the Boys Ranch and graduated, I planned on going home and working,” said Jose, until two Circle of Care employees presented him with the idea of going to college. “I never in my wildest dreams thought that would be an option for me. They said ‘we’ll give you a place to stay,’ and I thought I’d try it.”

Just a few weeks from his high school graduation, Jose’s mentors secured meetings with admissions and the dean at Northeastern State University in Tahlequah.

“They held my hand through the whole process,” he said. “They gave me a chance.”

While Jose was used to going to school and keeping up with a full schedule as a foster child at Circle of Care’s Boys Ranch campus, he wasn’t prepared for living independently.

In addition to providing housing and educational support, PAL staff work with students on developing life skills, learning financial management, planning meals and cleaning their homes.

“I had to pay bills, get a driver’s license, budget to be able to buy groceries. That was all new to me,” said Jose. And without the PAL program, he said: “I wouldn’t have had success. I’m 100 percent sure of that.”

Though Jose had to drop out of school to work full time several times along his college journey, he eventually earned a bachelor of science degree, with a minor in criminal justice. He now works for Youth Services of Oklahoma County at the juvenile holding facility, processing kids who have been arrested.

“I have the opportunity to counsel and talk to them while they’re here, to tell them they have choices and don’t have to live this way,” said Jose, whose own troubled past has given him valuable perspective and wisdom to impart.

Jose was one of the very first children in Circle of Care’s PAL program in 2004; in 2007, the program was expanded beyond the organization’s own foster children to help meet the needs of any child in the community needing help to complete a high school degree or go to college. Students in PAL may be aging out of foster care, or referred from a church, behavior modification facility or state agency because they lack family support.

Since it started, the PAL program has supported more than 170 children, including Jose’s sister, who wasn’t in foster care but needed support to obtain a college degree.

Unlike other transitional or residential programs for foster children that begin at age 18, Circle of Care’s PAL program is open to children at age 16, allowing for a gradual transition from a restrictive environment to a freer one.

“When they come in at 16 and gain trust in the program, at 18 they don’t see it as a restriction, they see it as an opportunity,” said Baston. “They are appreciative of a supportive relationship while they gain true independence.”

Since 2010, PAL has helped 42 students graduate from high school, 19 from college and five from vocational training. Baston, who came from limited means himself and recalls working nights and sleeping four to five people to an apartment to make ends meet, is especially grateful that this program allows students to graduate without debt, and that the support of the program’s students doesn’t end at graduation.

Two PAL alumni live at Circle of Care’s Boys Ranch, assisting with the livestock program.

One of PAL’s college graduates is currently on a year-long mission trip teaching in China, for which Circle of Care has provided luggage and the funding for her to come home to visit occasionally. In a thank you note to Baston and his team, Latasha (whose last name cannot be shared for safety reasons)

wrote: “I was lost and alone and didn’t see my value or think I even had a future. You helped God touch my life when I couldn’t even hear His voice.”

Family makes all the difference The solutions offered by OKDHS and local agencies are making a tremendous difference in the lives of some of the youth aging out of foster care in Oklahoma. But Boyd argues it isn’t enough. She has been educating states on the benefits of changing the “aging out” age from 18 to 21.

“Children who stay in [foster care] until age 21 have vastly better outcomes than those that don’t,” said Boyd. “When children are able to stay in care, those statistics are much more aligned to other youth who have been disadvantaged or in poverty,” rather than youth who have had no support.

So far, 25 states have expanded foster care benefits through age 21. Oklahoma is not one of them. According to Boyd, it’s less costly to provide independent living services than to

provide expanded foster care.

As of Sept. 29, federal law is making it mandatory that Oklahoma begin transition planning with foster children at age 14, rather than 16. This transition gives OKDHS more time to connect kids to resources and help them secure permanent connections with adults who can assist them after care. But it

“If you give a child security and love, no matter where they go, they will know ‘there was one person that loved me.’

That helped change me.”

Takeisa Sims, former foster child

doesn’t change what happens when a child turns 18.

What can change a foster child’s future is a family. Takeisa Sims is proof that a caring foster parent can make all the difference in the world. Fostered by a cousin since birth, Sims’ foster mom eventually became her legal guardian. Though she was never adopted, the University of Oklahoma student credits her foster mom, whom she calls “mom,” with supporting her dreams to going to college.

“She may not have a degree herself or be wealthy, but she is a hard-working person,” Sims said proudly.

A former intern with Sunbeam Family Services and currently pursing her master’s degree in social work, Sims guesses that had her biological mom not selflessly placed her, she’d have had a much different life.

“Nobody went to college or is doing much with their lives,” Sims said of her biological family, whom, along with her biological parents, she continues to see regularly. “My life would be drastically different.”

Sims made use of classes and resources as she prepared to age out of the foster care system, but she realized the other foster children in the class didn’t have the adult support she did.

Like she witnessed firsthand, Sims’ story isn’t the norm. Boyer said foster families are often afraid of the baggage that comes with teenagers or that they have formed their own opinions about things.

“There is still a big misconception that youth are in foster care because of something they did,” said Boyer. “It’s not their fault. They still need family.”

Sims said that same stereotype meant friends didn’t believe her when she’d tell them she was in foster care.

“I was so different than what people thought I should be,” she said. “People have such a negative connotation, but I’ve developed as an ambassador over time.”

Sherlyn Conlan, therapist and foster home trainer for the family and child service nonprofit Eckerd Connects, has witnessed that misconception, along with some foster teens’ assertion that they are adults and can make decisions for themselves, can make fostering this age group challenging. But the flip side to that can be foster teens’ resiliency, long-time desire to have a family and ability to communicate.

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

21

“When that teen has not had successful parenting in the past, they really believe they are smarter than adults and can make better decisions,” Conlan said. “The challenge is to help them see there are adults who care about them and are trying to help them succeed.”

Eckerd recruits foster families for children ages 0 to 18, but the majority of the agency’s kids in care are ages 12 to 18, which can be the hardest population to place. Eckerd’s Group Home Transition and Diversion program works with teens in group homes to connect them with supportive adults, who can be mentors, connections or even foster parents.

“They may be adults in their family or from their past with whom they have lost contact,” said Conlan. “These adults may or may not be able to be placement providers for the youth, but they can be a connection for them.”

For foster parents desiring to work with teens, Eckerd offers specific training that

23,000

Each year, children age out of the foster care system nationally.

Of those foster children:

15 homeless 18

More than

in

will become

after age

addresses their unique developmental needs and methods for alleviating potential power struggles. The agency also puts foster families in connection with community resources geared to supporting teens, including OKDHS’s Independent Living Program. Eckerd even helps pay for expenses related to drivers’ education and graduation, all in an effort to give teens the families they deserve.

For teens who don’t receive the love and commitment of a family, Boyd fears the worst: “They end up with an abusive partner or abusing their kids. They haven’t seen anyone not do that.”

But for those like Sims who stand confident in their worth with a supportive network around them, the possibilities are endless.

“If you give a child security and love, no matter where they go, they will know ‘there was one person that loved me,’” Sims said.

“That helped change me.”

Circle of Care 405-463-6626 www.circleofcare.org Eckerd Connects 405-636-5956 www.eckerd.org Lilyfield Christian Adoption and Foster Care 405-216-5240 www.lilyfield.org

* Lilyfield has added another programs since this article was originally published. They now offer monthly life skills classes open to any current or former foster youth, ages 14-26. Contact Lilyfield for more info.

Only

58% graduate

will high school by age 19 (compared to of all 19 year olds)

87%

80%26

of women are

pregnant by age

½ employed Less than

22 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

For more information about fostering or mentoring a teenager in foster care, please contact:

are

by age 24

8% college degree will earn a

Only

by age 26

28%

(compared to of all 26 year olds)

1 4

will be involved in the in

justice system

within two years of leaving foster care

*STATISTICS COURTESY OF JIM CASEY YOUTH OPPORTUNITIES INITIATIVE AND WWW.NCSL. ORG/RESEARCH/HUMAN-SERVICES/SUPPORTSOLDER-YOUTH.ASPX

WORKING AT

KIMRAY ADOPTION ASSISTANCE When you join our team, you join a family of people who care about making a difference in the lives of those around them. One of the ways we make a difference in the lives of our team is by aiding in the adoption process.

Kimray will reimburse regular, full-time team members for qualified adoption expenses, including adoption fees, court costs, attorney fees, and other expenses directly related to the legal adoption of an eligible child (up to a maximum of $8,000).

APPLY ONLINE CAREERS.KIMRAY.COM

Keeping Kids Connected: The Value of Kinship Foster Care

BY ERIN PAGE

ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

24

W

hen two former neighbors’ daughters were removed from their home by the Oklahoma Department of Human Services, Brian and Angela (whose names have been changed for privacy and safety) said yes to a weekend of keeping the little girls so they wouldn’t have to be placed in a shelter. They had babysat the girls a few times, but had no parenting experience themselves. Several days later, they were asked if they would keep the girls as kinship foster parents while the parents sorted things out.

“It basically happened overnight,” Angela said. “Saying ‘yes’ to the weekend was easy, like babysitting for an emergency. But when they contacted us about watching them as [kinship] foster parents, in which we were not certified to do, we were scared, nervous, apprehensive. My husband and I had never cared for children before and didn’t know what to expect.”

“I know foster care is there for a reason, and sometimes that is the only option. But I believe children should be with family because family ties are so important.”

Tabitha Jones, kinship foster parent Angela and Brian were comfortable in their lives without children. But they knew these little girls and were more afraid to say no, wondering what would happen to them otherwise. While there were relatives who may have been able to take them, Angela and Brian were the most stable people in their lives and the biological parents wanted their children to live with the couple.

25

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

“We prayed, we said yes and within a matter of hours we had picked the girls up at the shelter to come live with us,” Angela said.

While the priority of kinship placements doesn’t diminish the increasing need for traditional foster parents in our state, OKDHS is intent on trying to place a child with someone he or she knows upon removal from the biological home.

“For a number of years Oklahoma has looked to relatives to take in children, even more than many other states,” said Deb Shropshire, deputy director of child welfare community partnerships. “I think philosophically there is an increasing awareness that keeping kids connected to their families and communities is the right thing to do and in fact that it may yield better long-term outcomes.”

For Tabitha Jones, the decision to take guardianship of her niece and nephew was a simple one: “I know foster care is there for a reason and sometimes that is the only option.

But I believe children should be with family because family ties are so important.”

When her brother could no longer cope with having children, Jones’ large family rallied together to ensure Jentry and Jordan would stay with family. While there were several viable placement options for the children, Jones chose to step up because she felt she had the simplest lifestyle to accommodate them.

“All the others had their own children and spouses and it would have been harder for them,” said Jones. “I wanted them to know the family and I didn’t want them being with strangers.”

Making kinship placements a priority A kinship foster placement is one in which a child is placed with someone he or she already knows. That individual or family could be a relative, or it could be a neighbor, family friend or Sunday School teacher. As of Sept. 30, 2015, nearly 42% of the 10,872 Oklahoma children in foster care reside in kinship placements. As the number of foster children grows in our state and the goal of traditional foster homes has not been met, kinship placements have become even more critical.

“We know that our children suffer less trauma when they are able to be placed with family or someone with whom they had a prior relationship,” said Lashowann Smith, case worker supervisor in foster care for OKDHS.

Unlike traditional foster parents, who can currently work with a private foster care placement agency or OKDHS, all kinship placements are handled by OKDHS. The agency is making improved efforts immediately upon a child being removed from a home to place that child with someone he or she already knows before a request for a traditional foster family is made.

“Being removed from your home as well as dealing with whatever stressors were in your home to begin with can be very stressful for kids,” Shropshire said. “Moving to the home of someone who is familiar makes that transition feel much smoother and safer for a child.”

Smith said kinship leads to less placement disruptions because family is usually more familiar with and understanding of a child’s behaviors.

“Engaging the family and supportive friends not just during the crisis but also as the family reunifies is very important.”

Deb Shropshire, OKDHS “Relatives or family friends may understand family dynamics and be helpful to the case worker and the court in also understanding what supports are needed for the child to return home,” Shropshire said. “They are likely to be very personally invested in the child and more willing to keep the child connected to their school, their culture and heritage.”

Smith said kinship foster parents may be more willing to bridge with biological parents, aiding in reunification of the child with his or her family. She cites the more visits a child has with his or her biological parents, the more likely that child is to return home. If reunification is in the cards, the support of the family or friends who served as a kinship placement is crucial even after the child returns home.

“Engaging the family and supportive friends not just during the crisis but also as the family reunifies is very important,” Shropshire said. “The person who served as the foster home will be the same person who can support the mom and dad who get

their kids back, but who may still struggle with some of the life challenges that caused a safety risk in the first place.”

Jones ensures her niece and nephew are connected with their extended family and supports relationships with their biological parents.

“Jentry and Jordan have been able to stay in contact with all of their other aunts, uncles and cousins who they were close to before coming to live with me,” Jones said.

“They have also been able to see healthy relationship within the family and they have been able to have limited but healthier relationships with their parents.”

Shropshire has witnessed time and time again that desire to stay connected to or reconnect with biological families, regardless of circumstances.

“While it may be counterintuitive, most children really do want to know where they came from,” she said, “even if the story hasn’t always been pretty.”

The hardship in becoming parents overnight Not unlike traditional foster parents, kinship foster parents often receive a placement without much notice. The difference, however, is that kinship parents may be totally unprepared for the child to enter the family.

“The parents, law enforcement or DHS appear on their doorstep and the decision to raise the children is an instant one,” said Andrea Sneed, social services coordinator for Sunbeam Family Services.

Like Brian and Angela, kinship foster parents may have never considered becoming a foster parent, much less completed the training, child-proofed their home or picked up necessary supplies. While traditional foster parents must be fully trained and approved prior to receiving a placement, a kinship placement can occur after a precursory background check and safety walk-through of the home.

“We had nothing for the kids, not even a change of clothes,” Angela said. Members of their church threw them a shower to provide necessities and friends brought meals.

OKDHS was instrumental in providing clothing vouchers and getting the girls into counseling.

Just like traditional foster parents, kinship foster parents must complete 27 hours of training before they are eligible to receive

monthly payments from the state. However, kinship foster parents are typically trying to complete that training and a detailed home study while simultaneously caring for the foster child or children placed in their home.

In Brian and Angela’s case, their work schedules meant they would have had to take leave to attend the classes and there was no childcare provided. After about six months of fostering the girls, OKDHS began offering an expedited class, which they took advantage of.

“We still had to take off work, but it was doable to get everything knocked out in one weekend,” Angela said. “Even though we had the kids a long time before we attended the classes, we still learned a lot.”

The sudden shift in roles for kinship foster parents can also prove tumultuous.

“You have to suddenly serve as the ‘parent’ when you may have previously been the ‘grandparent,’ while at the same time serving as an ‘enforcer’ of the state’s rules and court orders against your own child or relative,” Shropshire said.

“We know that our children suffer less trauma when they are able to be placed with family or someone with whom they had a prior relationship.”

Lashowann Smith, case worker supervisor for OKDHS over,” said Shropshire, “If there are already unhealthy dynamics between the bio and the relative, this can exacerbate.”

For grandparents or those already on a limited budget in particular, the financial strain of unexpectedly adding one or more grandchildren to their household can be overwhelming. Judy Lietner, coordinator of Oklahoma Aging Advocacy Leadership Academy through OKDHS, works with individuals age 55 and over. She said while these grandparents may be doing fairly well surviving on social security and retirement, the added expenses of daycare, health insurance and providing for grandchildren in general can take quite a toll.

“You have to suddenly serve as the ‘parent’ when you may have previously been the ‘grandparent,’ while at the same time family members increases the stress serving as an ‘enforcer’ of “Adding financially long term,” said Sneed. “The accept this challenge because the state’s rules and court grandparents they love their grandchildren and don’t want them separated from their family.” orders against your own Supporting kinship foster child or relative.” parents Deb Shropshire, OKDHS

Kinship foster parents’ preexisting relationships with their foster children’s biological parents often pose difficulties.

Unlike many traditional foster care situations, biological parents know where their children are living. As Shropshire puts it, it’s hard to be in the middle of a family mess.

“The bio parent may get angry with you, they know where you live and may come

One of the keys to better kinship placement utilization is improved support for these families, as well as improved communication to ensure kinship families are aware of the resources available to them.

A fundamental segment of kinship placements are grandparents raising grandchildren, the rate of which has increased tremendously over the past five years, according to Sneed. According to recent statistics (2018), Oklahoma ranks in the to 10 states that have grandparents

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

26

or other relatives raising children, with over 88,000 grandparents raising their grandchildren.

Lietner connects grandparents raising grandchildren to a variety of resources, including legal services for grandparents seeking to adopt or take guardianship of their grandchildren, help securing health insurance for foster children and grants to pay for respite care. A new partnership between OKDHS and the state library system will offer telecasts via 26 libraries across Oklahoma specifically to address concerns and listen to questions of grandparents raising grandchildren.

Lietner works closely with Sneed through Sunbeam Family Services’ Grandparents Raising Grandchildren program, which has been serving grandparents for 14 years.

Staples of the program include assistance with school supplies and holiday gifts, peerled support groups and referrals for clothing and groceries.

“Adding family members increases the stress financially long-term. The grandparents accept this challenge because they love their grandchildren and don’t want them separated from their family.”

Andrea Sneed, Sunbeam Family Services While the financial and resource support are critical to the grandparents she serves, Sneed says it’s the support groups that are often the most valuable: “The GRG support groups support the grandparents emotionally by providing a safe, confidential group to talk candidly about the struggles that they are facing. The support groups are often the best resource for the GRGs because someone in the group has been where that grandparent is now in their journey.”

27 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

Lietner cites generational differences as an added challenge for grandparents raising grandchildren, as well as a very different educational system than the one that existed when grandparents were raising their own children. Lietner says mental health issues often plague these grandchildren long term as they deal with abandonment and the trauma they’ve endured. An added challenge occurs as grandparents age and roles reverse.

“They assume caregiver roles with the grandparent,” Lietner said. “It’s something we are going to have to figure out how to address.”

For grandparents or any type of kinship placement, Smith refers her foster parents to several local organizations for help.

Oklahoma Foster Wishes offers baby gear, beds, clothing, food and car seats to any foster parents. United Methodist Circle of Care operates free thrift stores in Oklahoma City, Tulsa and Talehquah for foster parents to choose clothing and other material goods.

Citizens Caring for Children’s Resource Center provides outfits, toiletries and books four times per year to any child in foster care.

Jones has made use of OKDHS’s guardianship placement services and has found counseling to be imperative for her niece and nephew. Although experts cite less trauma when a child is moved to the home of someone he or she already knows, that doesn’t mean the road is an easy one.

While Jones was familiar with her niece and nephew’s behaviors before they came to live with her, their initial respective rage and inclination to hide food were clear indicators of the trauma they endured.

The girls’ transition to their forever home was a positive one and Brian and Angela still see them from time to time. The couple is grateful to the girls’ adoptive parents for letting them remain a part of their lives, and they are appreciative of the special bond they share with their former foster children.

“We made an abrupt decision and changed the lives of two kids forever,” Angela said.

“We had no parenting experience and were not prepared for children. But we did it. We said yes. Our lives were forever changed for the better.”

Traditional vs. kinship foster placements Although traditional foster parents enter into fostering with an understanding and acceptance of trying to help a foster child reunite with biological family, the dynamics between traditional and kinship foster parents can be a source of friction, particularly when a child is moved from a traditional foster home in favor of a kinship placement.

“The solution to that is better family-finding and family engagement up front, so that kids can go to a relative very quickly, and this is something we are definitely working to improve,” said Shropshire.

It’s emotional for a traditional foster family to deal with the removal of a child they have grown to love, even if it’s what’s deemed in the best interest of that child.

“The foster family bonds with the child and sees them thrive and hates to see them move at all,” said Shropshire.

“I have seen marked improvements,” said Jones of her niece and nephew’s response to counseling and a stable environment.

In such a case, the traditional foster family may view itself better equipped to meet the child’s needs, in terms of fostering healthy relationships, opportunity and education.

When Brian and Angela and Jones said “yes” to being an integral part of four different children’s lives, their own lives changed in the blink of an eye. Jones has assumed guardianship of her niece and nephew.

Brian and Angela had their foster children for almost two years before helping them transition to their permanent, adoptive home.

“On the surface, they may be right,” said Shropshire. “However, humans have a deep-seated biological and emotional need to be with ‘their people.’ I encourage traditional foster families, as well as others in the community, to appreciate the value of relatives and family friends who step into sudden fostering and find ways to partner and support those families that allow the child the best of both worlds.”

“After it was clear they wouldn’t be able to live with their biological parents ever again, we started to prepare them,” Angela said.

“We would tell them that God had a special mommy and daddy out there that were praying to get two beautiful little girls just like them.”

[Editor’s Note: to learn more about becoming a foster parent, find resources and contact information for agencies at www. metrofamilymagazine.com/Foster-CareGuide/.]

Since 2015, MetroFamily has been familiarizing readers with foster care in Oklahoma City.

Our hope is that through education of Oklahoma's foster care needs, our readers can help provide quality homes for the thousands of children in state custody.

If you’re considering opening your home to a foster child in need, you probably want to know exactly what to expect. Every case is different, but here’s a handy list of basic steps to becoming a foster parent. Experts agree the process can take three to four months.

BY HANNAH SCHMITT ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRITTANY VIKLUND WWW.BRITTANYVIKLUND.COM

28

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

1

Now that you have decided to become a foster parent, contact the hotline number (800-376-9729) or email FCASC@ou.edu. From here, the call center guides interested parents to their preferred agency, sends them an information packet, follows up and collects important data.

2

To become a certified foster parent, an agency specialist will provide you with an application and discuss the certification process with you.

While every case differs, the goal is to complete the entire process within 90 days.

3

You’ll need to provide an assortment of paperwork to start your certification process.

Paperwork you'll need to get started:

• copy of social security card • paycheck stubs • copy of marriage license (if applicable) • copy of divorce decree (if applicable) • copy of driver’s license • copy of pet vaccinations (if applicable) • copy of immunization records (if applicable) • copy of military discharge (if applicable)

4

Background checks will be completed for every person in the home age 18 and older by The Department of Public Safety, Child Welfare and Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigations.

5

A home study will be conducted by someone from your agency or their selected partner once all required documents and forms have been completed.

While many people are intimidated by the home study, experts say it is nothing to

fear. The home study includes interviews of friends and family of the potential foster parents.

The home study usually includes three to four home visits. Although it can feel intrusive, an in-depth home study is needed to determine someone’s motivation for fostering and ensure the safety and wellbeing of foster children. It’s an assessment tool to ensure quality care will be provided for all the children in the temporary custody of the state.

6

Next, you will be enrolled in a training program that will educate you on everything from transitioning a foster child into your home to understanding the OKDHS Child Welfare System as a whole. The training consists of 27 hours total, usually presented in a classroom setting.

In addition to learning about a variety of parenting topics, an added benefit of the training classes is that you have an opportunity to meet other foster parents and build a circle of other people who know what it’s like to foster and can offer advice and wisdom.

7

Once the home study is complete and all forms and background checks have been completed, the agency specialist will have you sign a contract. Once that is complete, you are ready for your first placement.

The ideal foster parent would be open to taking children of all ages and backgrounds but foster parents certainly have an opportunity to specify things like age and gender. OKDHS and private agencies want to make sure families are as successful as possible in accepting placements, so you will be helped along the way to determine what placements would be best for you. This includes whether or not you’re open to taking sibling groups or children with medical conditions or behavioral problems.

Foster parents can be very specific about what kind of child they will take, including race, age and gender. It’s important for foster parents to be honest with themselves about what they can or cannot handle as it is traumatic for a child to be removed from a foster home if the placement isn’t a good fit.

Some foster parents prefer not to foster sibling groups, but special care is taken to keep sibling groups together through foster care, as evidence shows children do better when they maintain family relationships while in custody.

While most foster parents request babies, the population with the greatest need in the Oklahoma City area is children age 6-12, with 501 in custody as of Jan. 25, 2016. There are 459 children in custody between the ages of 0 and 2, 341 in custody between the ages of 3 and 5 and 311 in custody who are age 13 or older. Teenagers continue to be the hardest population to place but one of the most important age ranges to serve because aging out of the system without support can be incredibly difficult.

8

10

The agency specialist will contact you to let you know information about the available child or children.

9

Once you are matched with a child, placement is arranged.

Upon and after placement, your agency specialist as well as an OKDHS permanency planning worker will meet with you and this child periodically throughout the placement period.

The permanency planning worker knows the most about the child and he or she will be working with that child’s family on reunification efforts in most cases.

The worker will work closely with you on visitation and other child-related needs.

[Editor's Note: The order and timing of some of these steps may differ depending on situation and agency. Special thanks to Neika Harris at OKDHS and Judith Cope at Sunbeam Family Services for contributing to this list.]

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

29

Should you foster through OKDHS or a private agency?

Experts from both sides sound off.

Both OKDHS and private agencies work together to help children in state custody get successfully placed in foster homes with hopes to eventually reunify with biological parents.

Judith Cope, foster care recruiter for Sunbeam Family Services, said differences between working with a private agency versus OKDHS are minor.

“A family should look to an agency they feel will support them best. Each agency has their own culture,” she said, “so the family should research to see what partnership they want to serve with.”

Private agencies have foster care support groups, something OKDHS doesn’t currently sponsor, according to Neika Harris, foster care recruiter for OKDHS. But many foster families

using OKDHS, she said, have connected independently with support groups in the metro area.

Harris said one advantage to working with OKDHS is that if a foster parent decides to adopt, the process is fairly seamless.

Foster Care Agencies Serving Oklahoma City Angels Foster Family Network, www.angelsfosterokc.org

Oklahoma Families First, www.offibhs.org

Therapeutic Foster Care Services Only:

Anna’s House Foundation, www.annashousefoundation.org

Lions Meadows of Hope, www.lionsmoh.org

The Bair Foundation, www.bair.org

Oklahoma United Methodist Circle of Care, www.circleofcare.org

St. Francis Community Services, www.st-francis.org

Choices for Life, www.cflfostercare.com

Sunbeam Family Services, www.sunbeamfamilyservices.org

YouthCare of Oklahoma, www.youthcareok.com

Eckerd Connects, www.eckerd.org Eastern Oklahoma Youth Services (EOYS), www.eoysinc.org Lilyfield Christian Adoption and Foster Care, www.lilyfield.org Oklahoma Association of Youth Services (OAYS), www.oays.org

30 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

DCCA Tallgrass Family Services, www.tallgrassfs.org TFI Family Connections, tfifamilyconnections.org Wesleyan Youth, Inc., 405-808-0306 YouthCare of Oklahoma, www.youthcareok.com

[Editor’s Note: To learn more about becoming a foster parent in Oklahoma, visit www.metrofamilymagazine.com/ foster.]

Give hope.

Change a life.

Become a foster parent.

Learn more at www.fostercare-ok.org or call 877-263-1890 Save the date for OKC’s premier family fun event!

April 6, 2019

Cox Convention Center www.metrofamilymagazine.com/kidsfest

Multiplying the love

The joys & challenges of fostering sibling groups

BY ERIN PAGE. PHOTOS BY KIMERA BASORE

Though DeWayne Hill jokingly calls his wife, Elizabeth, a bit of a sucker, she inspired the couple’s calling to become foster parents.

DeWayne had considered fostering or adopting, but Elizabeth’s resolve to take in children without stable homes clenched their decision.

“She would do everything in the world for these kids,” he said. “She wants to take in every kid who doesn’t have a home but it’s hard because you can’t.”

The Hills officially began their foster journey, and whirlwind introduction to parenthood, two years ago. They have fostered 15 kids and currently have six foster children in their home. Working with foster and adoption placement agency Anna’s House Foundation, the couple moved to the organization’s foster care community in Luther about a year ago. The community

32 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

currently includes seven homes, six of which are occupied by foster families with a minimum of five children, with the eighth and final home to be completed this fall.

Since MetroFamily’s 2015 series on Oklahoma foster care, the number of children in state care has dropped from nearly 10,000 to about 8,700, according to Anna’s House Executive Director Katherine Craig. The agency created its community of homes for foster families in 2014; though first intended to keep babies out of shelters, it became clear the community is best suited to keep siblings in care together. According to Craig, as of March 2018, 679 children in traditional Department of Human Services (DHS) and agency-supported care are separated from their siblings.

“It’s not often that people can move four or five kids into their own home,” said Jennifer

Holbert, foster home recruiter and trainer for Anna’s House, and a foster and adoptive mom herself. “It’s so traumatic for kids to be removed from their [biological] home, but there is joy and healing when siblings stay together. Maybe they can’t be with their mom or dad, but they can have each other.”

Like the Hills, most of the families in the Luther community are experienced foster parents before making the two-year commitment to live there. Foster parents agree to see children through to permanency, either by returning home or being adopted.

The Hill’s leap of faith to join the community was inspired by their 1-year-old foster child.

Moving to the Anna’s House community allowed the Hills to also foster the child’s older siblings, ages 8, 9 and 10. In addition to the sibling group, the Hills currently foster a 3- and 4-year-old.

A community of support

Relying on faith

Called to serve

Living in a foster community offers benefits to the Hills, like support groups and frequent access to case workers but it has also been an adjustment.

The Hills began their foster journey with the hope of adopting a child someday, but they also understood they would have to say goodbye to many of the children they cared for when a child is moved home or to another foster home.

DeWayne said his patience combined with his wife’s loving nature has made them a great foster parent team. Amidst the challenges of learning to care for and discipline children who’ve undergone trauma and simply managing the logistics of having six children, he finds his reward in seeing his foster children express joy and trust in his home.

“It’s a struggle sometimes,” said DeWayne.

“We don’t get to go out and hang out with friends much anymore.”

They say it’s worth it to get to love and care for the children who come into their home and they are grateful for the support they receive from Anna’s House and the community. Between Anna’s House and Frontline Church’s partnership with 405 Center, the Hills receive monthly house cleanings, regular lawn care, respite care for monthly date nights and occasional meals.

Elizabeth is a stay-at-home mom to their foster children, while DeWayne is an assembly supervisor for Kimray, working nights. He’s been with the company for five years and has been impressed with Kimray’s commitment to its employees’ families, and his situation in particular.

“My boss has been very flexible with me, allowing me to take off when we have court dates or when the kids get sick,” he said.

Kimray has a program through which employee families can receive help with finances related to adoptions, up to $8,000, which Hill says can be used for adoption fees or attorney fees.

“The first one was the hardest; it’s like ripping a Band-Aid,” DeWayne said of letting go of their first foster child. Their first placement was an infant they had for seven months and they formed a special bond with him as they saw him reach some of his first milestones.

“All I can do is trust in God,” DeWayne said.

“I hope the kid will be the best he can be with the situation he’s given.”

As the Hills help their foster sibling group move toward permanency, their priority is to keep them connected, whether they remain in a single family home or, if separated, will help ensure they see each other often.

DeWayne said finding an adoptive home for four children is especially hard. Maintaining a relationship with the children’s biological grandmother is also critical. The Hills believe an ongoing relationship with a blood relative will provide comfort and clarity as the children get older.

“When we first got our older sibling group, we could tell they didn’t trust us for the first several months,” he said. “They wouldn’t open up or talk much. Now they will share their whole day and life story. It’s heartwarming.”

As Holbert can attest, keeping siblings together helps their healing process, allowing them to adapt more easily to a foster home.

While some sibling groups are large, Craig reports of the 679 children in care separated from siblings, more than half only have one or two siblings, a more manageable number for potential foster families to consider taking in.

The Hills have a special calling to serve large sibling groups, but DeWayne believes everyone in the community has a role to play in serving foster children, noting his gratitude for the volunteers who serve his family and provide respite care.

“It’s just as important to be that family who makes a meal as it is to be that foster family,” said Holbert.

Through serving foster children in large ways and small, Holbert loves witnessing Anna’s House volunteers realize they are simply kids who need someone to love them, in whatever capacity they are able.

“It feels like a huge reward at the end of the day,” DeWayne said, “to look back and see the difference you made in a child’s life.”

This article is the first in our Foster Care Project that will be showcased in each issue over the next year. Generously sponsored

by Kimray, this series will provide inspiring stories of OKC foster families. Find more information about the foster care system and how to become a foster parent at www.metrofamilymagazine.com/foster.

SPONSORED BY

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

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Street Kid to Foster Dad

BY HANNAH SCHMITT PHOTOS BY COLE IMAGERY

A lot of things make Peter Habyarimana unique. He’s a single foster dad, for example, and he’s traveled to 101 countries and every major city in the U.S. But what trumps them all is his unbelievable upbringing.

Habyarimana was born in Uganda in a level of poverty he said is hard to even explain.

“You wake up in the morning and you never know if there’s going to be a meal for you that day,” he said. “No one in your life has ever said you would amount to anything because it’s a life of survival.”

He went on to explain that because half of all the babies born in his village didn’t live to their second birthday, his mother had a difficult time even getting attached to him as an infant.

Habyarimana said by the time he was 4 he realized the odds were stacked against him even more than he thought. He began to fear that if he didn’t die of starvation, his abusive Dad might actually kill him. Around age 10, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore and he fled 500 miles to the nearest city and became a street kid.

On the street, he stole to stay alive. One day, a man approached him and offered him food.

That man approached him with food over and over again for a year.

“Then one day he came and asked me if I wanted to go to school,” he said. “I thought, ‘My own father would not feed me, why would you come here and offer for me to go to school?’ But of course, he kept asking.

And for the first time, someone saw me as a

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takes a community, single men and women included, to make families successful.

Are there advantages to being a single foster dad?

The majority of people in roles helping kids are women. The boys are looking for those male role models, though. They’re looking for a guy to just sit with them, hang out with them. The oldest foster kid I’ve had was 11 and the youngest was 4. They’ve all walked in and accepted me right away because they’re really in need of male leadership.

How does your background influence the way you foster parent?

I’ve learned not to come at things from a judgmental attitude. Most people with kids in the foster system have been mistreated in some way and told they are useless as parents. But someone once pursued me and told me I was worth something and it changed my life. human being. I was the garbage of all, but he said there was value and potential in me.”

The man was the Ugandan leader of an international ministry for children in poverty.

He enrolled Habyarimana in boarding school, where he performed so well he got a scholarship to study in England before becoming employed by the very ministry that helped save his life as a boy.

Habyarimana has worked tirelessly helping children across the globe through the organization and working to show donors the life-saving work they’re helping to fund.

On a trip a few years ago to the Dominican Republic, he met a donor from Oklahoma City who planted an idea in his head that if he ever tired of traveling the world, Oklahoma would be a good place to land.

So after 12 years of traveling the world, Habyarimana now lives in Oklahoma City where he flips houses for a living. But with a heart dedicated to helping others, he knew it wouldn’t be long before he found another way to serve. A world away from the life he once knew, Habyarimana found himself living alone in a three-bedroom home.

“I’d just walk by those two empty bedrooms and feel like there was something I should be doing for other people,” he said. “Can I really call it (my home) a blessing if I’m not using it to help other people?”

So he signed up to be a foster parent.

“His compassion level is through the roof,” said Jessica Ward, Habyarimana’s caseworker

at Angels Foster Family Network. “He shows compassion in every aspect of the definition.

He uses his history and how he grew up to change the lives of kids.”

And although his difficult past helps fuel his compassion in a lot of ways, Habyarimana said it sometimes makes it difficult to fit into American culture.

“When you come from poverty, it’s very hard to live in the United States,” he said.

“There’s a lot of guilt. You have to deal with people with a lot of money and attitude. You can have so much and never feel you have enough. That’s really tough for me to see.”

Still, he’s adjusted by remembering to just approach people from their own cultural perspective, just like people have done for him over the years.

“I just try to understand where they’re coming from first,” he said, “and I try to love them in the context of their culture.”

What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned since becoming a foster parent?

I thought I was compassionate. Now, I know what compassion is. I thought I was kind.

But you really learn who you are through the kids. Now, anything I wish my Dad could have done for me, I can give to someone else.

As a whole, I think foster kids are misunderstood. These are some of the sweetest, smartest kids I’ve ever met. There’s a stigma here but people need to remember kids do not choose where they are born.

You’d never choose to be born in an abusive home or to a drug addict.

And parents don’t usually just wake up and say, ‘hey, I’d like to have a lot of kids and be on drugs.’ Many things happen in life and sometimes kids happen to be in the midst of it all. A foster parent has the opportunity to foster the whole family and really help them be successful. We shouldn’t give up on people so easily and we shouldn’t judge a situation until we’ve lived in it ourselves.

Will you continue to foster?

Perspectives on Fostering You’re a single foster dad. What is it like to take on this responsibility without a partner?

Single people usually have extra money and time, so why not use that for someone else?

Just because you don’t have a family doesn’t mean you can’t be part of a family. In Africa, we say “it takes a village to raise a child.”

Americans need to start thinking that way. It

As long as I have room and they will allow me, I’ll have them. I will always be a foster dad until I run out of space.

Editor’s Note: This is part of a series on foster care. Find the rest of the series along with tips for how to get started fostering at www.metrofamilymagazine.com/foster.

METROFAMILY’S FOSTER CARE SERIES IS GENEROUSLY SPONSORED BY

METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / AUGUST 2018

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