Fertilizer

Zoe Lloyd-Carpenter

Awarded Literary Submission: Third Place

“I wrote the three poems in Fertilizer at different times in my life. I was going through a period of major change and wanted to reflect on the thoughts and emotions that came with it. Grief changes us. It makes us falter, but it always propels us forward into new growth and understanding. Life is short, and we need to understand that it is the unexpected changes that make life so meaningful.”

I Always Knew Who She Was

I always knew who she was She second guessed her best decisions Made coffee with cinnamon toast crunch creamer and foam Only ever ate the well cooked bacon Spoke in verses of young adult whimsy and passionate rage She reveled in the storied darkness in her past Woke before and with the sun Nose tucked away in a book for earnest pleasure Lived from one moment to the next She was like the dawn As bright and fiery as she was beautiful She sparkled in her own excitement Followed her passion like a sunflower She could be spiteful when she wanted And I loved her when she was More kind then she realized More generous than I deserved I always wondered how I’d found my way back to someone like her. And I realized somewhere down the road that I’d always known who she was.

Happiness

If I could buy happiness I would buy everything in advance Just send myself gifts to remind myself to smile I would buy magic in a bottle Feel how I felt when I believed in the impossible I would buy a new voice in my head One that likes me Tells me I’m enough Doesn’t care what other people think Could pursue more than I’m capable of, Reach those high expectations I would buy every fuzzy companion to cuddle Paint murals and old poems on my walls Cuddle under blankets piled high Knowing it would be instant. I would give happiness away In truck fulls So that even those who could not afford happiness would have a lifetime supply And then I’d rest easy Knowing happiness was just a paycheck away.

Cherry Tree

In place of my grief Buried in my soul Is the bud of a cherry tree. Born from the fertilizer of my past mistakes Reaching desperately from the ground Trying so hard to find the sun.

Subconsciously I always knew it was there But I kept it hidden from myself Each time I doubted, I broke off a branch So how could my little cherry tree hope to grow? How could I hope to be bigger than I am in sadness?

When the tree would twist and bud Some part of me felt threatened Who would love me the same if it flowered? What would I do if they didn’t like the new color? What if suddenly, I was too much?

Or what if It never did? What if the branches remained bare forever? I wondered if I could live like that. Which was I more scared of? Being someone I wouldn’t recognize? Or being someone I’m not?

I took so many flowers off, So many branches thrown away in place of courage So when I finally and truly saw my little cherry tree Scared by fear and picked at by my self doubt I collapsed at the foot of my tree and held it Understanding my grief as I’d never seen it before.