Insecurity

Christopher Anderson

When people talk about insecurity, what do they truly mean? When people ridicule others in an attempt to look better, do they know how the victims feel? Do people actually know how insecurity seeps inside thoughts and just makes a disgusting tar of black negative emotions? Listen to my story. Listen to my innermost turmoils. Listen to how I turn against myself constantly. Insecurity is not just a lack of confidence. Yes, in some situations I wish I had more confidence to assert myself. The true depth of insecurity shackles my core and makes me frightened and anxious about anything. Insecurity is running away from people in fear of their judgements. Having to walk into a room, and feel vicious gazes of heartless people, when the truth lies in the fact that many people simply do not care about what I do. Insecurity is looking at yourself and noticing all the flaws, and blaming your genetics for making such a beast.

Imagine enjoying your day, and simply crying once you look at a mirror. All of the wonderful moments of the day wither away compared to seeing how disgusting you are as a person. There is no logical reasoning for this, yet your emotions sink to the bottom of your stomach and at that moment you just grow to detest yourself. You wish to yourself, the gods–anything to let you be something different. You start to avoid mirrors. You start to avoid anything that makes you confront yourself. Insecurity does not have a physical problem to easily pinpoint and eliminate. Insecurity sticks and clings into your core, dancing around your brain and making you believe such foolish lies. Insecurity is a plaque in your body that needs careful consideration to be removed. Although, that is easier said than done. The most disrespectful part to being insecure is when people tell you to just stop thinking that way. The amount of revulsion that arises from hearing those words inflames my feelings towards people who feebly try to “help”. You know they have good intentions, yet your brain and heart clash against what is the right way to think. The confusion makes you detest your lack of clarity even more; nothing seems to be working. Yes, there are people who want to help. Yes, you can talk to your friends. Yes, you can make an appointment with a therapist. However, in a weird twist of fate, your pride forbids you. How does someone insecure even begin to have a speck of pride, for their insecurity works with an “invisible hand,” puppeteering around with their self-esteem. You would rather keep your emotions bottled up and forever sealed off from the harsh scorn of others. Imagine allowing yourself to open up and telling your friend what is wrong. That seems like the mark of insanity. Imagine worrying about them divulging your secrets, making all of your weaknesses a public mockery to the rest of your social circle. Can you even fathom the endless feeling of paranoia from being betrayed by those who gained your trust?

I do want confidence. I do want to be my own person. I do want to look at myself and smile. My goal of explaining my insecurity is not based on mere despair just for the sake of it, but is the culmination of all of the worries and fears that come from my years of walking on this Earth. I want to open up the conversation for people to feel comfortable to expose themselves. Living in a muck of nasty ideas is a hell that I want nothing to do with. I’m just lost and I want nothing more than to be told that I matter. Please help me see the light.