Twas the night before bid day… Real life Bloons Tower Defense 4

PATRICK SULLIVAN HUMOR CO-EDITOR

Everyone is talking about the crazy, UFO spy balloons and I am here to set the record straight.

Everyone, just breathe. Relax. The world isn’t coming to an end. At least, not yet.

Get off of your conspiracy TikTok pages and tell your crazy uncle to get out of his Doomsday cellar. The world is not ending. Aliens are not invading over Earth from Outer Space. You see, China and America are simply playing a friendly game of Bloons Tower Defense 4.

TEDDY JOHNSON

HUMOR CO-EDITOR

‘Twas the night before bid day, and all through the night,

Many girls were nervous, so they got high as a kite;

Each one was scared and they could not see through,

The fact that no one cares what sorority you get into;

This did not stop each girl from creating a stir,

So much so recruitment week felt like a blur;

Countless conversations with recruiters blend together,

“Can anyone help me be liked better?”;

To get them to like you, is all about looks,

Not your GPA or how well you hit the books;

Many who are blonde decided to rush APhi,

“It’s a top sorority,” yeah, we’ll see;

Perfume and makeup and spray tan galore,

Makes everyone question Greek life even more;

Sisterhood and philanthropy is the true purpose,

But now it seems like finding new friends to purchase;

“What sorority wants me, I really need to know?”

“As soon as I get my bid, I’ll change my insta bio.”

These are some things, a PC may say,

Hopefully tomorrow they’ll get a bid on bid day.

While girls were in Armstrong doing interviews;

The boys were all Uptown drinking lots of booze,

At the bars, the guy to girl ratio was like 50 to 1, My goodness this week just needs to be done.

John Daly saw the boys, sang Dixieland Delight;

So many dudes at bars, thought there’d be a fight.

When all the girls are gone frat boys are quite sad, This week got them all really down bad;

So what do they turn to to cheer up their mood, Bars and bar fights and barbells and bar food;

Where’s APhi? Where’s G Phi?

Where’s Chi O? Where’s Phi Mu?

I think rush week in Uptown is a bit of a sausage fest, don’t you?

Roll Brick Street, Roll Chanks, Roll 1868, Rush week is the week the boys really hate. john1595@miamioh.edu

If that name rings a bell, it’s because you are a fellow 20-24-yearold student who got incredibly bored during grade school math class and ventured along to NinjaKiwi.com. If you think the game is Bloons Tower Defense 6, you are much too young for this article. Everybody who’s anybody knows that Version 4 was goated.

For those sad souls that don’t recognize Bloons TD4, it was the game of all games. You pick a map and load that map with different types of fun ice rays and explosive pineapples. Then an onslaught of different colored balloons try to make it all the way through the map. This game would turn the most pacifist students into hardened war generals discussing all of their different defense tactics.

I digress.

If I remember correctly, during the midst of the 2020 fiasco, the United States Government admitted to reports of unidentified flying objects, or UFO’s. This was just the US setting up cannons for the bloons attack.

China seems to be sending out their balloons with the intent of making it all the way through the map of the US. One of our explosive pineapple drones was able to knock a big balloon down halfway through the map. We had a close call, however, with a balloon almost making it all the way through.

Luckily, our ice guns in Alaska shot it down at the last second.

As the good American citizens that you are, you are probably wondering how you can help shoot down China’s balloons. I’m here to inform you that you can! As anyone who has played the game knows, the most basic defense against the bloons is a simple cannon. You might be wondering how a regular old cannon can shoot up 30,000 feet into the air. It’s science. Not any science I know, but science nonetheless. sulli293@miamioh.edu

What you must do in order to defend the U.S. map is find any old pirate, revolutionary or civil war cannon and aim it directly at the sky. Remember, some of these balloons blend in so you might not be able to see them. For that reason, just keep firing. You never know when you are going to hit one and can’t risk one of them sneaking past you.

If you don’t already have cannons lying around your house, there are certain places you can go to get your hands on one of those bad boys. You can try a pawn shop, or your weird neighbor’s garage full of junk. I would personally recommend that you break into any history museum you can find and just wheel the cannons out to your car. I mean, they used to be on boats so they can’t be that heavy.

Fire away and remember that this is all just a fun spirited game. Think of it like The Olympics’ ugly stepchild of intercountry competition. Come out of your Doomsday cellars, steal some cannons, and enjoy this week of nice weather and a trip down memory lane in real life Bloons Tower Defense 4.