~NEW SPLICER~ Volume 3.1 January 2012
In this issue Topic of the month: The Loch Ness Monster... Did Robert Burns Books?... Sir William Wallace of Ellerslie... Tossing the Caber Dolly The Sheep - A Journey home... Haggis Vs The Square Sausage... and much more! Dinna forget to Breathe
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Foreword Pro Libertate “For Freedom”, or “For Liberty” are translations of the Latin motto of Clan Wallace [Not Mel Gibson].
This has been a particular joy to write and it has been good fun re-discovering my very northern neighbours of Scotland. My dedication this week goes to two Scottish and One Irish Clan: The Mackenzies, Carswells and the Slynes; for treating me [An Englishman] as their own over Christmas. I felt warmly Scottish. May you too in the next few pages. ~New Splicer~ Articulate Champions 2012 [Team: New Splicer + Clan Slyne]
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~~~~~~~~~ToPIC of the Month~~~~~~~~ The Loch Ness Monster... The Loch Ness Monster (Scottish Gaelic: Niseag) is a cryptid that is reputed to inhabit Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. It is similar to other supposed lake monsters in Scotland and elsewhere, though its description varies from one account to the next. Popular interest and belief in the animal has varied since it was brought to the world’s attention in 1933. Evidence of its existence is anecdotal, with minimal and much-disputed photographic material and sonar readings. British naturalist Peter Scott announced in 1975 that the scientific name of the monster would henceforth be Nessiteras rhombopteryx (Greek for “The Ness monster with diamond-shaped fin”). It’s also an anagram for “Monster hoax by Sir Peter S”. The most common speculation among believers is that the creature represents a line of long-surviving plesiosaurs. The scientific community regards the Loch Ness Monster as a modern-day myth, and explains sightings as a mix of hoaxes and wishful thinking. Despite this, it remains one of the most famous examples of cryptozoology. The legendary monster has been affectionately referred to by the nickname Nessie (Scottish Gaelic: Niseag) since the 1950s.
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Origins The term “monster” was reportedly applied for the first time to the creature on 2 May 1933 by Alex Campbell, the water bailiff for Loch Ness and a part-time journalist, in a report in the Inverness Courier. On 4 August 1933, the Courier published as a full news item the claim of a London man, George Spicer, that a few weeks earlier while motoring around the Loch, he and his wife had seen “the nearest approach to a dragon or pre-historic animal that I have ever seen in my life”, trundling across the road toward the Loch carrying “an animal” in its mouth. Other letters began appearing in the Courier, often anonymously, with claims of land or water sightings, either on the writer’s part or on the parts of family, acquaintances or stories they remembered being told. These stories soon reached the national (and later the international) press, which described a “monster fish”, “sea serpent”, or “dragon”, eventually settling on “Loch Ness Monster”. On 6 December 1933 the first purported photograph of the monster, taken by Hugh Gray, was published in The Daily Express, and shortly after the creature received official notice when the Secretary of State for Scotland ordered the police to prevent any attacks on it. In 1934, interest was further sparked by what is known as The Surgeon’s Photograph. In the same year R. T. Gould published a book, the first of many that describe the author’s personal investigation and collected record of additional reports pre-dating the summer of 1933. Other authors have claimed that sightings of the monster go as far back as the 6th century. Saint Columba (6th century) The earliest report of a monster associated with the vicinity of Loch Ness appears in the Life of St. Columba by Adomnán, written in the 7th century. According to Adomnán, writing about a century after the events he described, the Irish monk Saint Columba was staying in the land of the Picts with his companions when he came across the locals burying a man by the River Ness. They explained that the man had been swimming the river when he was attacked by a “water beast” that had mauled him and dragged him under. They tried to rescue him in a boat, but were able only to drag up his corpse. Hearing this, Columba stunned the Picts by sending his follower Luigne moccu Min to swim across the river. The beast came after him, but Columba made the sign of the cross and commanded: “Go no further. Do not touch the man. Go back at once.” The beast immediately halted as if it had been “pulled back with ropes” and fled in terror, and both Columba’s men and the pagan Picts praised God for the miracle. Dinna forget to Breathe
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“Surgeon’s Photograph” (1934)
One of the most iconic images of Nessie is known as the “Surgeon’s Photograph”. Its importance lies in the fact that it was the first photo and only photographic evidence of a “head and neck” – all the others are humps or disturbances. Dr. Wilson claimed he was looking at the loch when he saw the monster, so grabbed his camera and snapped five photos. After the film was developed, only two exposures were clear. The first photo (the more publicised one) shows what was claimed to be a small head and back. The second one, a blurry image, attracted little publicity because it was difficult to interpret what was depicted. The image was originally revealed as a fake in The Sunday Telegraph dated 7 December 1975. Supposedly taken by Robert Kenneth Wilson, a London gynaecologist, it was published in the Daily Mail on 21 April 1934. Wilson’s refusal to have his name associated with the photograph led to it being called “Surgeon’s Photograph”.The strangely small ripples on the photo fit the size and circular pattern of small ripples as opposed to large waves when photographed up close. Analysis of the original uncropped image fostered further doubt. A year before the hoax was revealed, the makers of Discovery Communications’s documentary Loch Ness Discovered analysed the uncropped image and found a white object was visible in every version of the photo, implying it was on the negative. “It seems to be the source of ripples in the water, almost as if the object was towed by something”, the narrator said. “But science cannot rule out it was just a blemish on the negative”, he continued. Additionally, analysis of the full photograph revealed the object was quite small, only about 60 to 90 cm (2 to 3 ft) long. Dinna forget to Breathe
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In 1979 it was claimed to be a picture of an elephant. Other sceptics in the 1980s argued the photo was that of an otter or a diving bird, but after Christian Spurling's confession most agree it was what Spurling claimed – a toy submarine with a sculpted head attached. Details of how the photo was accomplished were published in the 1999 book, Nessie – the Surgeon’s Photograph Exposed, that contains a facsimile of the 1975 article in The Sunday Telegraph. Essentially, it was a toy submarine bought from Woolworths with a head and neck made of plastic wood, built by Christian Spurling, the son-in-law of Marmaduke Wetherell, a big game hunter who had been publicly ridiculed in the Daily Mail, the newspaper that employed him. Spurling claimed that to get revenge, Marmaduke Wetherell committed the hoax, with the help of Chris Spurling (a sculpture specialist), his son Ian Marmaduke, who bought the material for the fake Nessie, and Maurice Chambers (an insurance agent), who would call to ask surgeon Robert Kenneth Wilson to offer the pictures to the Daily Mail. The hoax story is disputed by Henry Bauer, who claims this debunking is evidence of bias, and asks why the perpetrators did not reveal their plot earlier to embarrass the newspaper. He also claimed that plastic wood did not exist in 1934 (when actually it was a popular DIY and modelling material in the early 1930s). In 2003, the BBC sponsored a full search of the Loch using 600 separate sonar beams and satellite tracking. The search had enough resolution to pick up a small buoy. No animal of any substantial size was found whatsoever and despite high hopes, the scientists involved in the expedition admitted that this essentially proved the Loch Ness monster was only a myth. The End...
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English Phrases
English Greetings Hi! Good morning! Good evening! How are you? I'm fine, thanks! And you? Good/ So-So. Thank you (very much)! You're welcome! (for "thank you") Hey! Friend! I missed you so much! Nothing much Good night! See you later! Good bye!
Scottish Phrases Scottish Greetings: Awrite! Guid mornin! Guid eenin! Hou ar ye? Hou's aw wi ye? Hou's it gaun? A'm fine, slainte! An ye? Guid / so-so. Thenk ye! Ye're welcome! Hey! Mukker! A misst ye sae muckle! Naething muckle! Guid nicht! See ye efter! Guid cheerio the nou!
Asking for Help and Directions I'm lost Can I help you? Can you help me? I'm looking for john. One moment please! Hold on please! (phone) How much is this? Excuse me ... Come with me!
A'm tint. Can A gie ye a haund? Can ye gie's a haund? A'm leukin / swatchin for John. Ae moment please! Haud on please! Hau much is this? Ho ye! Come wi's!
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Scottish Translations
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings - and Walt disnae’.
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How to Introduce Yourself
Do you speak (English/ Scottish )? Just a little. What's your name? My name is ... Nice to meet you! You're very kind! Where are you from? I'm from (the U.S/ Scottish) Where do you live? Did you like it here? What do you do for a living? I work as a (translator/ businessman) I've been learning Scottish for 1 month Oh! That's good! How old are you? I'm (twenty, thirty...) years old. I have to go I will be right back! Dinna forget to Breathe
D'ye spaek (English / Scots)? Juist a wee. Whit's yer name? Ma name is ... Nice tae meit ye! Ye ar verra kin! Whaur ar ye frae? A'm frae (the U.S / Scotland) Whaur d'ye bide? Did ye like it haur? Whit d'ye dae for a livin? A wirk as a (translatur / businessman) A've been lairnin Scots ae month. Och! That's guid! Hou auld ar ye? A'm (twintie, thrittie ...) year auld. A hae tae gang A'll be reit back! Dinna forget to smile
Scottish Expressions and Words Good/ Bad/ So-So. Big/ Small Today/ Now Tomorrow/ Yesterday Yes/ No Here you go! (when giving something) Do you like it? I really like it! I'm hungry/ thirsty. In The Morning/ Evening/ At Night. This/ That. Here/There Really! Look! Hurry up! What time is it? It's 10 o'clock. 07:30pm. Give me this! I love you! I feel sick. One, Two, Three Four, Five, Six Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten
Guid / bad / so-so Muckle / wee The day / nou The morn / the streen Ay / Nae Haur ye gae! D'ye like it? A pure like it! A'm guttin / thirsty. In the mornin / in the forenicht / at nicht. This / that. Haur / thaur. Pure! Leuk! / Swatch! Coorie up! Whit's the time? It's ten oors. It's 07:30 at the forenicht. Gie's this! A loue ye! A feel no weel. ane, twa, three fower, five, sax sieven, aicht, nine, ten
Solving a Misunderstanding I'm Sorry! (if you don't hear something) Sorry (for a mistake) No Problem! Can You Say It Again? Can You Speak Slowly? Write It Down Please! I Don't Understand! I Don't Know! I Have No Idea. What's That Called In Scottish ? What Does "gato" Mean In English?
A'm sairy! Sairy! Nae problem! Can ye say it again? Can ye spaek slowly? Screive it doun please! A dinna kin! A dinna ken! A hae nae thochtie. Whit's 'at caad in Scots? Whit dis "..." pure decht in English?
In Scotland a period of more than 6 hours without rain is called a drought. Dinna forget to Breathe
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Sir William Wallace of Ellerslie (AD1272 - AD1305)
W illiam Wallace was born on 1272 in Ellerslie, Scotland. He was the second of three sons of Sir Malcolm Wallace (a minor laird possessing little political power and nobility) and Margaret de Crauford (the daughter of Sir Reginald de Crauford, the Sheriff of Ayr). Edward I ‘Longshanks’ succeeded the English throne on 16 November 1272 at the age of thirty-five while in Palestine and crowned on 19 August 1274 at Westminster Abbey, London, England. King Edward I was later to become William Wallace’s deadliest adversary. During this period Scotland was a peaceful and prosperous kingdom under the rule of King Alexander III. Initially William Wallace was educated at home by his mother, then given schooling and religious education by the monks of Paisley Abbey. Though William Wallace could read and write he was probably more interested in activities such as horsemanship, hunting and swordmanship - sparring with his elder brother Sir Malcolm Wallace Jnr. and younger brother John Wallace (later to become one of his trusted comrade-in-arms). On 19 March 1286, King Alexander III’s death plunged Scotland into a state of turmoil. The main perpetrators were Robert Bruce ‘the Competitor’, 5th Lord Annandale (grandfather of the future king of Scotland - Robert Bruce) in the South and the Comyn’s in the North, they were both fighting for rights to claim the Scottish Crown.
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The situation escalated when Robert Bruce ‘the Competitor’ was excluded from being one the Guardians of the Peace (consisting of two earls, two barons and two bishops, appointed by the government of the child monarch, Queen Margaret of Scotland ‘the Maid of Norway’). Therefore Robert Bruce ‘the Competitor’ together with his eldest son, Robert Bruce, the 1st Earl of Carrick (father of the future King of Scotland - Robert Bruce) and co-conspirators instigated the revolt of the Turnberry Band in September 1286. The Guardians of the Peace sensed a challenge to the Scottish Crown and mobilised an army to its defence in the spring of 1287. By the time of the army of law and order were fully mobilised the revolt of the Turnberry Band had lost its momentum. Then Scotland lulled into an uneasy peace for about three years. When William Wallace was seventeen or eighteen years old he travelled to Dunipace to further his education and lodged with an uncle (a younger brother of his father), a cleric at the chapelry of Cambuskenneth Abbey. At this stage William Wallace demonstrated an aptitude for a career in the Church (a typical role for landless younger sons), e.g. expressing his intellect by showing his command of French, Gaelic and Latin. The credit for initiating William Wallace’s passionate desire for liberty goes to his uncle-priest; this can be summed up from his favourite phrase: Dico tibi verum, libertas optima rerum; Nunquam servili sub nexu vivito, fili. My son, I tell thee soothfastlie, No gift is like to libertie; Then never live in slaverie. During 1289, protracted negotiations occurred between King Edward I and King Eirik II of Norway. The negotiations were about the marriage of King Edward I’s five years old son, Edward, the Prince of Wales (later to become Edward II) and the six years old Queen Margaret of Scotland, King Eirik II of Norway’s daughter. These negotiations resulted in the Treaty of Birgham being ratified on 28 August 1290.
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Then Queen Margaret of Scotland travelled from Norway for her arranged marriage with Edward, the Prince of Wales. During the voyage she succumbed to an illness and on 26 September 1290 she died, shortly after landing on Orkney. Then the main contenders for the Scottish Crown were John Balliol and Robert Bruce ‘the Competitor’ (both factions were prepared to seize the Scottish Crown by force), in total there were thirteen contenders. Then a naïve William Fraser, Bishop of St. Andrews (one of the Guardians of the Peace) invited King Edward I to assess each contender’s rights to the Scottish Crown. King Edward I agreed, but he had to be regarded as the Lord Paramount of Scotland in order to act as the adviser on the successor of the Scottish Crown. Finally all the contenders readily acknowledged King Edward I as their Lord Paramount and were willing to receive his judgement. A factor that might have influenced their decision was the fact that the majority of the contenders had substantially larger estates in England than in Scotland and therefore would have lost their English estates if they defied King Edward I. Then on 11 June 1291, acting as the Lord Paramount of Scotland, King Edward I ordered that on a “temporary basis” every Scottish Castle to be placed under his control and all Scottish officials to be replaced by English ones. Two days later, in Upsettlington, the Guardians of the Peace and the leading nobility of Scotland gathered to swear allegiance to King Edward I as their superior and direct lord of the kingdom of Scotland. All Scots were also required to pay homage to King Edward I as their Lord Paramount, either in person or at one of the designated centres in Ayr, Dumfries, Inverness and Perth by 27 July 1291.
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Sir Reginald de Crauford in his capacity as the Sheriff of Ayr administered the homage to be paid to Edward I and would have immediately noticed that his son-in-law’s name didn’t appear in the list that complied. Then Sir Malcolm Wallace and his eldest son fled north to Lennox to avoid the imposed penalties for not complying to swear to the oath. This resulted in Lady Wallace and her younger sons (William and John) having to be sheltered by her father, Sir Reginald de Crauford. Then Sir Reginald de Crauford sent the eighteen or nineteen years old William Wallace to Kilspindle in the Carse of Gowrie, together with his mother and younger brother to reside with an uncle of Lady Wallace. William Wallace then attended the nearby church school in Dundee, to be doctrine in the ways of the priesthood. It was at this church-school that William Wallace met John Blair, who later becomes a Benedictine monk then Wallace’s future chaplain and comrade in arms. In the latter months of 1291, an English knight called Fenwick murdered Sir Malcolm Wallace at Loudoun Hill, because of his unwillingness to yield to King Edward I’s authority.
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Tossing the Caber [Not filatio with a stick! No something far more odd...]
The caber toss is a traditional Scottish athletic event practised at the Scottish Highland Games involving the tossing of a large wooden pole called a caber. It is said to have developed from the need to toss logs across narrow chasms to cross them. In Scotland the caber is usually made from a Larch tree. A caber typically is 19 feet 6 inches (5.94 m) tall and weighs 175 pounds (79 kg). The person tossing the caber is called a “tosser”[1] or a “thrower”.
The mind of a tosser Or Short [Stick] stories of a madman: He or she [minus beard(perhaps)] stare at trees from a young age, rooted variety at first, some talk to the grain and some caress the bark but this is all just pre-warming for the main jerk and toss. Its not just a piece of wood and is more than a tree, the caber is sacred as the scarab [and flies just about as far]. Why throw wood? The same reason why wood peckers peck; perhaps not. Man Vs nature, not that they give nature a chance to toss back [or maybe they do it just refuses like an english gentleman]. That feeling; as a child on your first camping trip, the birds, the river flowing and.... The trees, dark and opposing always out of reach; is it something malevolent about the Scottish trees that impose the psychological pre-inclination to want to toss the tree [in caber -less scary and shaved form] as far from there sight as possible? I think so, in fact I’m currently writing a thesis on the nature of things; evidence is hard to come by but fortunately easy to manufacture.
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Trees always leer, especially in the highlands; the lowlands are barren devoid of many trees, on purpose? Nature or man at work for the absence of foliage? Which makes me wonder, is the real reason for deforestation in the Amazon money?? Surely tourism alone [minus Scottish tourists to Brazil, of which there are strangely not that many!?] would be sufficient to prevent the attack on the tree, one might ponder... Yet they persist and always in groups... Even the Loch Ness monster fears the arboreal predator and hides in the water... Scotland knows, although as the tradition dies and battles of history turn to myth; the children turn to other games... The trees wait, vengeful for their fallen and tossed. This tradition and real history of the caber has been passed on to New Splicer and we feel it our duty to encourage every man woman and child to begin tossing immediately. Whack those saplings and remember no wood is good wood. There is no protection from their eventual reclaiming of the Earth; we can only slow their progress through our own. A tree may provide shade, but it will bring a darkness and human-less peace to the earth. Greenpeace welcome this, but even they will be gone in time and all that will be left [without action, without a world of tossing] will be a green and blue covered earth, silent, protected and alone... ts Sco a ? l cal e leg u on . yo do with ileen t E ha
an
m wo
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Tossing the Caber rules There is no standard size or weight of a caber but the caber should be of a length and weight such that at least half the competitors can turn it. The caber is to be made only of wood. The caber shall be placed upright for the competitor, with the heavy end on top. The attempt begins when the competitor lifts the caber from the ground. If the competitor drops the small end of the caber back to the ground after having picked it up, this shall count as one attempt. It is recommended that a back judge and a side judge be used. The judge may set boundaries if he feels the ground in a certain area is not suitable for the caber to be tossed or to provide safety for the spectators. The competitor may take any length of run they wish and may toss the caber from where they choose, as long as it is within the judge’s boundaries. The caber must pass through the vertical position (90 degrees from the ground) in order to count as a turned caber. It is up to the side judge to determine if the caber has passed through it. The “clock face method” of judging shall be used. The caber in a perfect toss will pass through the vertical position and land with the small end pointing directly at 12 o’clock away from the competitor in an imaginary straight line extending from the competitor through the initial landing point and in line with the direction of the run. An overhead view is drawn to demonstrate a perfect 12 o’clock toss.
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It's no that dark!
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A valid throw is when the small end of the caber passes through the vertical position and falls away from the competitor to land within the 180 degree radius between 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock. An overhead view is drawn below in Figure 3 to demonstrate some turned cabers and how to score them.
If the caber lands in a 12 o'clock position pointing away from the competitor but not in a direct line with their run (as when a competitor turns to one side at the last step or two), then the judge must determine the competitor's direction of run and then look through the competitor to the small end of the caber, thus giving a true reading of its relation to the direction of run. The direction of run is determined by the direction in which the competitor runs after having control of the caber.
Key stages: Getting ready to lift The run-up Moment of release The caber in mid-flight The caber strikes the ground
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Darth Vader playing the Caber Toss
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Once the competitor has started on his run, the judge should pick a point in the horizon to use as a reference point once the toss has been made. The competitor may run in one direction and then stop and change directions as long as they show control over the caber. The caber shall be judged on its landing position, not the position to which it may bounce or roll. If the caber is not turned by the competitor, then it is the responsibility of the side judge to determine the angle at which the caber was tossed with respect to the 90 degree vertical. The side judge should be perpendicular to the competitor's direction of run in order to make an accurate call. A drawing of a view from the side judge's position is shown below
Each competitor is allowed three attempts, all of which should be scored and the best of these to be used to determine placing. In the event of a tie then the next best attempt or attempts shall be used to determine placing. The order of placing shall be determined by the nearest to 12 o'clock toss made by a competitor. If the competitor did not turn the caber, then placing shall be determined by the toss closest to the 90 degree vertical. If after one complete round the caber has not been turned by any competitor and the judge agrees, the caber may be cut. The caber shall be cut from the large end and the amount is to be determined by the judge. This process can be repeated until the caber has been turned. When a qualifying caber is used then any successful turn qualifies the competitor for the next caber. Dinna forget to Breathe
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To a Mouse ~ Robert Burns
I'm truly sorry Man's dominion Has broken Nature's social union, An' justifies that ill opinion, Which makes thee startle, At me, thy poor, earth-born companion, An' fellow-mortal!
Did Robert Burns Books?...
“You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” ― Ray Bradbury
Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee, Wi' murd'ring pattle!
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I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve; What then? poor beastie, thou maun live! A daimen-icker in a thrave 'S a sma' request: I'll get a blessin wi' the lave, An' never miss't! Thy wee-bit housie, too, in ruin! It's silly wa's the win's are strewin! An' naething, now, to big a new ane, O' foggage green! An' bleak December's winds ensuin, Baith snell an' keen! Thou saw the fields laid bare an' wast, An' weary Winter comin fast, An' cozie here, beneath the blast, Thou thought to dwell, Till crash! the cruel coulter past Out thro' thy cell. That wee-bit heap o' leaves an' stibble, Has cost thee monie a weary nibble! Now thou's turn'd out, for a' thy trouble, But house or hald. To thole the Winter's sleety dribble, An' cranreuch cauld! But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane, In proving foresight may be vain: The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, For promis'd joy! Still, thou art blest, compar'd wi' me! The present only toucheth thee: But Och! I backward cast my e'e, On prospects drear! An' forward, tho' I canna see, I guess an' fear!
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Haggis Vs The Square Sausage This is slightly misleading as the title refers to a square sausage and in fact a Scottish square sausage so this is likely to be about civil war... I once ate haggis long ago, descriptively disgusting but pleasant yet rich in flavour, it was another time and my taste buds were probably different all [[40/k of them?]]. Only recently I tasted square sausage the shape added little to the texture or flavours. So on to the real topic, can one compare experience across time? Pre and post existence? How can you compare accurately, and fairly, when some much is yet to come - potentially. We could and generally do give it our best approximation but I’m not accepting that. Is there beyond life comparisons of “best ever”? I may fall in or out of love and perhaps its all just semantics, use of the wrong words to describe the world. It’s easy to describe the present, so I’ll try and describe the future as a comparative experience. Before that let’s get some context in the past... My haggis experience: a young, developing boy, fresh for the world and not eroded by life. Generally rich taste is not something children like, but my fading memory would suggest the haggis was by all levels alright. I do not remember any aversions, yet I do not also recall any pre-inclinations to eat more haggis.. So it was so-so... Have I changed since then? Well I am different through all my experiences, but does the trials and tribulations of life alter more than the mind and do they need to alter more than the mind? I think not to have an effect on perception, so I cannot compare unless I have a flawless recollection of the past and all my mind sets at the time. Which, fortunately I do not. “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare”. Mike Myers
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What does shape taste? Let’s go forward to the present, in it I, as you are, exist and feel and taste in the moment [lately I have dwelled on taste for your amusement]. So my present was a few weeks ago on the Scottish coast just left of Glasgow, here arrives the Scottish delicacy of the square sausage. Although, I didn’t have it right away; firstly I was told the fable of the square sausage which went something like this “Did you know in Scotland we are famous for our square sausages?” “No” I replied... And 3 days later around a typically Scottish household, on an unusually warm Christmas morning, I was confronted by the said square sausage! It was indeed very square, and perhaps this shape alone would have sent my childhood senses into overload! At 7, with the haggis, I was excited; at 32 I was scientifically curious... Would a square add anything to a, dare I say it, very burger looking “sausage”! Humorously, I cut the sausage into 4 squares... Only I found this funny... [And truth be geometrically told this sausage was more rhomboid]... But I only report myth and not, at this time, create it. Instantly upon taste the flavours became a memory, but ones that I could recall, spice - mild, flavours - meat, sage, some sort of bread filling. And the anticipation died down and the reality and not the psychological impact of the food & story dissipated all that remained was an underwhelming taste of a differently shaped sausage. Not even a particularly good sausage, an ok one...
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
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So how does a present memory of an ok bite compare to a so-so distant memory? In this instance my choice comes down to potential, I know the square sausage was ok but perhaps the haggis was better... The forgotten known is perhaps better than the remembered known... This will all change again... Let’s not end there; I think we can compare it to a third unknown future taste of something?! This has unlimited possibility for wonder and bursting flavour! [But equally the most risk at being full of nothing]... What are you willing to settle for or will you strive for that perfect morsel till the end... I say never settle and seek Pandora, the key here is figuring out what would be your ultimate taste and being able to recognise it if it ever pass you by... Was it that sausage or even my fading memory of a square sausage? Too late I have already left them all behind... What shapes do you dream of? This story might not be about sausages at all, it’s not about civil war and possibly it’s about nothing. Or just a nice “round” ending...
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Dolly The Sheep - A Journey home...
How do you get two bagpipers to play a perfect harmony? Shoot one.
Dolly (5 July 1996 – 14 February 2003) was a female domestic sheep, and the first mammal to be cloned from an adult somatic cell, using the process of nuclear transfer. She was cloned by Ian Wilmut, Keith Campbell and colleagues at the Roslin Institute and the biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics near Edinburgh in Scotland. She was born on 5 July 1996 and she lived until the age of six, at which point she died from a progressive lung disease. She has been called “the world’s most famous sheep” by sources including BBC News and Scientific American. The cell used as the donor for the cloning of Dolly was taken from a mammary gland, and the production of a healthy clone therefore proved that a cell taken from a specific part of the body could recreate a whole individual. On Dolly’s name, Wilmut stated “Dolly is derived from a mammary gland cell and we couldn’t think of a more impressive pair of glands than Dolly Parton’s”.
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Dinna forget to smile
And I didn’t even mention men in skirts!
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower. So on to the next issue! I am considerably excited about this one, it is a little surreal and a little odd which means it should be great to write about. “Living in a horse”... Someone once asked me where I come up with these ideas I simply replied “Have you never lived in a horse?!”... Coming to a New Splicer near you: soon you all can revel inside the wonders or my mind, a horse and other sensible nonsense... I promise no animals will be harmed in the making of this magazine and I don’t do drugs [there is clearly no point in my case]...
Dinna forget to Breathe
Contribute, Enjoy, Smile See you next time ~New Splicer~
Dinna forget to smile
~NEW SPLICER~ Volume 3.2 February 2012
In this issue Topic of the month: Living inside a horse...
Don’t forget to Nay
Living inside a horse & other misspellings Why the long face?... Symbols in nature and science Home is where the heart is... Black Beauty... and much more!
Don’t forget to smile
Toast Marketing board
Dinna forget to Breathe
Dinna forget to smile