North Shore Children & Families October 2011 by Michael Mascolo

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Happy Autumn! Part 2 of 2

Managing Behavior Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving ~ Prerequisites for ~ Steps in ~ Languages of

Community Calendar Open House Season! Education Feature: Covenant Christian Academy

www.northshorefamilies.com OCTOBER 2011

North Shore Children & Families

Family & Friends

Fall Family Fun on the North Shore! by Suzanne Provencher, Publisher Growing up on the North Shore, Sundays were family day in our house. We’d start the morning at church, then head to visit our grandparents, then gather around the table for a proper family dinner. Often times, we’d stop at the Salem Willows for popcorn, a “flying horses” ride and a walk on the pier. But many of our Sundays were spent on family drives. Route 22 was a favorite path and we’d play a game to see who would notice the next Route 22 sign – and then we’d yell “TWENTY-TWO!” – and then we’d search for the next one. We didn’t have DVD players and most cars had only AM radio, so we occupied ourselves and played “22” and the license plate state game and red car and many other games along our Sunday family drives. Our stops throughout the North Shore and beyond would often include visits to local farms and orchards to see the animals and to pick apples and other local fruits in season. We’d carefully select our Halloween pumpkins, get a big bottle of cold apple cider and some winter squashes and mums. We would drive to Cape Ann and walk around Bear Skin Neck in Rockport, stopping for penny candy that actually cost a penny before heading over to the “Paper House”, then continuing on to the granite quarry and that spectacular short hike with amazing views of the Atlantic. We would explore the North Shore region from corner to corner and then venture beyond to the mountains of New Hampshire to the beaches of southern Maine and Cape Cod. From Battle Ship Cove in Fall River to Mystic Seaport and Sturbridge Village, from the mountains to the rivers to the lakes to the seas, we explored and enjoyed our adventurous drives throughout the North Shore and New England. These are some of my fondest childhood memories.

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So I started thinking about the many ways that you and your family can have some inexpensive and often free fun this fall, and perhaps you can map out your next family day? Even a few hours a week and a tank of gas will get you far and benefit everyone in the family – and the memories you make will last a lifetime. I am sharing a few ideas below to help you get started, but before you head out, check online first for discounts and coupons at the places and areas you’ll be visiting. 25 Inexpensive or Free Fall Family Fun Ideas! 1. Take a family drive (it’s almost foliage season!) – with no DVDs! Enjoy conversation and drive games like the ones I mentioned or make up your own, and engage all family members while you enjoy the changing colors of the season. 2. Pack a picnic lunch as part of your drive to a destination like a park or beach. The beach in fall is great fun, with no high parking fees and fewer crowds – and the sand still makes great castles! 3. Buy a kite and string and head to the closest open field. 4. Buy a big bottle of bubbles and some fun bubble wands and head to the beach or backyard. 5. Take the train or subway to Boston and walk around Faneuil Hall and the city. 6. Walk down Beacon Street or Commonwealth Avenue and the surrounding historic areas in Boston and look up! Look up and you will see all sorts of gargoyles and figures and faces and building “frosting” – things you never notice when looking straight ahead or driving by. Continued on page 17

North Shore Children & Families

Letter from the Editor

Managing Children Part 2: Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD This issue is the second part of a two part issue devoted to managing children’s behavior. Part 1 of this two-part series (North Shore Children & Families, September 2011) was devoted to managing children’s behavior by providing meaningful consequences to children’s actions. In this issue, we build on the ideas that we elaborated in our September issue by introducing the process of Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving. (In this issue, we will use the phrases Guided Collaboration and Guided Problem Solving interchangeably.) In our first article, Prerequisites for Guided Collaboration: Establishing Clear Limits and Boundaries, we provide a brief review of the basic ideas contained in Part 1 of the series. Part 1 provides powerful strategies for regulating the behavior of young children (or of difficult to manage older children). The strategies described in Part 2 are powerful; however, they are difficult to put into place unless parents have established some clear limits and boundaries within which guided collaboration can occur. Setting clear limits and boundaries is not only a pre-requisite for guided collaboration, it is an important “fall back” approach for parents when guided collaboration and problem solving fails. Guided Collaboration is an extremely effective way of managing conflict between parents and children while simultaneously fostering the development of responsibility and social competence. Guided Collaboration is a form of

North Shore Children & Families

conflict management that occurs between parents and children. When practicing guided collaboration, parents use actual parent-child (or child-child) conflicts as occasions to teach collaborative problem solving. When family issues arise, parents teach children how to resolve conflicts between people for the mutual gain of all parties involved. Guided collaboration is based on the idea of mutual respect for the legitimate interests of both parents and children. When parents and children collide, it is because they have different interests: A parent wants one thing and a child wants another. Guided collaboration is a way in which parents can work with children to find ways to both meet the legitimate wants, desires and needs of their children without compromising the parent’s standards, principles and rules. Here’s how it works. Using guided problem solving, a child’s misbehavior is seen as a kind of conflict or problem that must be solved between a parent and a child (or between children): Three-year-old Sam writes on the wall; six-yearold Tabby grabs a doll from her sister Deborah’s hand; ten-year-old Ronald is spending too much time on the computer; sixteen-year-old Marissa wants to stay out beyond her curfew. Each of these situations involves some sort of conflict or problem that must be solved. The interests or desires of the child conflict with the interests, desires or rules of the parent. In guided collaboration, the parent and child work together in an attempt to find Continued on page 4

Fall Family Fun

Pumpkin Festival! www.northshorefamilies.com P.O. Box 150 Nahant, MA 01908-0150 781.584.4569 A publication of North Shore Ink, LLC © 2011. All rights reserved. Reproduction in full or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited.

Suzanne M. Provencher Publisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner suzanne@northshorefamilies.com Michael F. Mascolo, PhD Editor/Co-Founder/Partner michael@northshorefamilies.com Designed by Group One Graphics Printed by Seacoast Media Group Please see our Calendar in this issue for our upcoming deadlines. Published and distributed monthly throughout the North Shore, 10x per year, and always online. All articles are written by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD unless otherwise credited. Information contained in NSC&F is provided for educational and entertainment purposes only. Individual readers are responsible for their use of any information provided. NSC&F is not liable or responsible for the effects of use of information contained in NSC&F. Established 2007.

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up too late and tired the next day, etc.)?

North Shore Children & Families The Child’s Interests

The Parent’s Interests, Standards & Rules the parent’s desire to keep the walls clean

Sam’s desire to make pretty pictures on the walls

conflicts with

Tabby’s desire to play with her sister’s doll

conflicts with

Deborah’s possession of the doll and her mother’s rule about hurting other people by grabbing things

Ronald’s desire to spend more time playing computer games

conflicts with

his parent’s concern that playing computer games takes away time from more important things

Marissa’s desire to be independent and spend more time with her friends

conflicts with

her father’s fear that something bad might happen to Marissa if she stays out too late

solutions to the problems that arise as a result of competing interests. The goal of guided collaboration is to find ways to meet the legitimate interests of both parents and children. Using guided problem solving, parents guide children through the process of finding answers to questions like: 1. How can Sam make pretty pictures (or even pretty pictures “on the wall”) while at the same time keeping the walls clean and beautiful? 2. How can Tabby play with her sister’s doll without hurting her sister or taking away what properly belongs to Deborah (that is, her turn playing with the doll, or the doll itself)? 3. How can Ronald spend more time on the computer (or even more time playing computer games) and spend more time doing “more important things”? 4. How can Marissa gain more independence and spend more time with her friends and make her father confident that nothing bad will happen to her (that she will spend time drinking with “the wrong crowd”; that she will be

When addressing any of these questions, a parent is essentially guiding the child through the process of collaborative problem solving. Each of these questions essentially asks: • Is there a way that parents and children can work together to solve the problem before them for mutual gain? • Is there a way that a parent can help a child advance his or her interests without the parent giving in on his or her interests and principles? • Is there a way that a child can advance his or her interests while simultaneously respecting the parent’s interests? There are no singly “correct” answers to these questions. Parents and children have to find their own answers to questions like these. However, for most parents and children, there are usually ways of answering these questions in ways that would satisfy both parents and children. Important: Guided Collaboration is Not Negotiation between Equal Partners In virtually any social situation, people collaborate to reach their goals. When adults collaborate with each other, they often collaborate as equals. A husband and a wife may collaborate as equal partners in their decisions about their children. Friends act as equals when they negotiate about which movie to see or what restaurant to visit. When children of the same age play together, neither child has authority over the other; they operate and negotiate as equals (even though they may not always agree that they are equals!). Guided collaboration between parents and children is not the same as negotiation between equal partners. Parents and children are not equals. Guided collaboration is guided by the parent. Parents have legitimate authority over their children. They are responsible not only for the child’s well-being, but also for fostering the child’s development. The parent’s authority is legitimized

and made necessary by such responsibility.

North Shore Children & Families

The parent-child relationship is an asymmetrical one. When a parent collaborates with a child, it is the parent who unapologetically determines the limits of what is acceptable in the collaboration. Collaboration between a parent and a child takes place within the limits established by the parent. Unless the parent retains his or her authority within the process of guided

collaboration, the process will degenerate to a negotiation between equals. When this happens, children are robbed from the guidance that they need to make decisions about issues that remain beyond their individual grasp and competence.

Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving

Prerequisites for Guided Collaboration: Establishing Clear Limits & Boundaries Guided collaboration occurs when parents and children work together to solve problems and resolve conflicts for the mutual gain of children and parents. In guided collaboration, parents teach children how to advance their interests in ways that respect the interests of others – especially parents. The parent is the responsible partner in the relationship; although not infallible, he or she knows more and thus must take an active role in attempting to influence his or her child’s development. The parent’s values, rules and standards matter. Before guided collaboration and problem solving can occur, it is necessary for parents to be clear about the limits and consequences of children’s behavior. Guided collaboration is based upon the idea of mutual respect for the legitimate interests of both the parent and the child. A parent who fails to attempt to meet a child’s legitimate interests is an authoritarian one; however, a parent who fails to assert his or her own legitimate interests is a permissive one. Both of these extremes lead to lower levels of practical and social competence in children. Let’s explore why. Here is an example of a permissive parent who puts her child’s desires first (see next page).

Stuart G. Merle, D.M.D. Co-founder of Practice in 1975

Education: Brooklyn College of the City of New York; Tufts University School of Dental Medicine Pediatric Specialty: Brookdale Hospital Medical Center, NYU Past President: Massachusetts Academy of Pediatric Dentistry Appointment: Governor’s Commission to Study the Oral Health Status and Accessibility for Residents of the Commonwealth Board Certified: Diplomate, American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

Alan R. Zicherman, D.D.S. Co-founder of Practice in 1975

Education: City College of the City University of New York; NYU School of Dentistry Pediatric Specialty: Brookdale Hospital Medical Center, NYU Past President: Massachusetts Academy of Pediatric Dentistry Member: American Orthodontic Society, Cleft Palate Team, North Shore Children’s Hospital Board Certified: Diplomate, American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

Federico Lago, D.M.D. Education: Brown University; University of Connecticut Dental School Pediatric Specialty: Schneider’s Children’s Hospital Member: American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry

ORTHODONTICS FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS

Managing Children’s Choice-Making through Meaningful Consequences Loving parents want to include their children in the process of decision making; this is at the heart of guided collaboration. However, while we want to encourage choice-making in our children, we want to ensure that the choices that children make are responsible ones. Of course, it is the parent who is in the position to determine whether or not a choice is a responsible one. How can we guide responsible choice-making in children – especially when children are very young or just learning to master something new? One way to encourage healthy choice making is by (a) placing clear limits on the choices that children can make and (b) providing meaningful consequences for children’s choice-making. The formula looks like this: In this situation, you can do A or B. If you choose A, the consequence will be X. If you choose B, the consequence will be Y. You are free to choose either option. Continued on page 6

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Establishing Clear Limits and Boundaries Continued from page 5

When you do, you will have to accept both the positive and negative consequences of your choice. Let’s put this into practice. Imagine a situation in which five-year-old Mattie and her mother are at the supermarket. The Permissive Solution: Giving In Mattie and her mother are at the checkout counter of a supermarket. Mattie repeatedly begs her mother for candy. The mother replies to Mattie’s pleas by saying “No.” or “No candy before dinner.” or “You have to wait until after dinner.” or “You can’t have something every time you go to the store!” and similar statements. Over time, Mattie’s voice becomes more and more whiny and annoying. Mattie is in danger of causing a scene. Embarrassed, the mother says, “Oh, all right.”, and buys the candy. The child is silent and mom is relieved. Mom may be relieved for now, but her solution to the problem is not a permanent one. Mattie has learned that incessant whining will cause Mom to give her what she wants. Mom has learned that if she gives Mattie what she wants, Mom can avoid the unpleasantness of Mattie’s incessant whining. But Mattie has learned that if she keeps pressing her mother, her mother will “give in”. Mattie has learned how to get what she wants (how to advance her own interests) without respecting her mother’s legitimate interests. Of course, since her mother “gave in”, Mattie comes by this honestly. The Authoritarian Approach: Power Assertion Mattie and her mother are at the checkout counter of a supermarket. Mattie asks her mother for candy. The mother replies with a stern “No”. After a minute or so, Mattie asks again. Mom says, “You heard what I said! I already said ‘no’. Now it’s no dessert at all after dinner.” Mattie begins to cry. Later that day, Mattie sneaks into the cookie jar for a forbidden cookie. In this situation, mom has effectively stopped Mattie from begging for candy. Mom has won in a “battle of the wills” with her daughter. However, she has won only because she has superior power. This solution to the problem brings a series of negative outcomes. First, it does not help Mattie learn anything about the basis of Mom’s rule – something like, “If you eat candy now, you won’t want to eat your dinner.” More important, it fails to teach Mattie more effective ways of getting what she wants (e.g., by asking politely and delaying gratification until later). Most important, it does nothing to promote a secure partnership between Mattie and her mother. Mattie learns that if she wants something sweet, she’ll have to go around her mother and steal a cookie in order to get it. Setting up Choices and Meaningful Consequences In this scenario, Mattie’s mom starts off by setting up options and meaningful consequences from which Mattie can choose a course of behavior: As Mattie begins to beg her mother for candy, her mother responds by saying, “I don’t want you to have candy before dinner. And I don’t want you to ask any more. If you continue to whine, I am simply not going to respond to you. If you continue after that, I’ll take you out of the store. When I see that you are calm, you can ask me politely if I could buy you some candy to have after dinner. You can say, “Mom, can you buy me a Snicker’s bar that I can have after dinner?” If you are able to do that, I’ll consider your question. What is your choice? Let’s apply the formula: In this situation, you can do A or B. You can either continue to whine or ask me politely. If you choose A, the consequence will be X. If you continue to whine, I will stop talking to you. If you continue after

that, I will take you from the store.

North Shore Children & Families

If you choose B, the consequence will be Y. If you ask politely, I will consider your request. (This does not mean that Mattie will get the candy! It may mean that Mom might buy the candy and give it to her for dessert, or something similar.) You are free to choose either option. What is your choice? When you do, you will have to accept both the positive and negative consequences of your choice. This may be the most important step. If the child continues to whine, she must take responsibility for the consequences of her action. That means that Mom ignores her, takes her out of the store, or something similar without going back on her word or giving in. This is the step that matters. If Mom gives in, then the child learns that Mom is not serious. Note that meaningful consequences are not the same as punishments. A meaningful consequence is meaningful because it is directly related to the child’s interests in the situation at hand. A meaningful consequence says: “If you ask politely, you might advance your interests” or “If you choose to wait until after dinner, you can have your candy bar”. Alternatively, a meaningful consequence says, “If you continue to whine, I will ignore your requests” or “If you continue to whine, I will take you out of the store”. Meaningful consequences work because they are related to the interests and motivations that are driving the child’s actions in the moment. Meaningful consequences teach children to respect your interests because they show children what they have to do to advance their own interests. They show the children that you are “on the child’s side”:You want to help the child obtain his legitimate interests whenever possible, as long as the child does so in ways that conform to your standards, rules and prerogatives.

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Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving

Steps in Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving Step 1: Calmness First The first step in Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving is sometimes the hardest: Calmness. When was the last time that you had a successful collaboration when one or both partners were angry or upset in some way? If you are like most of us, the answer is most likely: Never. It is virtually impossible to engage in successful collaborative problem solving if anyone involved in the collaboration is upset. When a child misbehaves, or when there is some sort of conflict, anger and frustration are natural reactions. This is true of both parents and children. When someone is angry, he has made the judgment that you have done something wrong. As a result, the angry person will attempt to move against the alleged wrongdoer in an attempt to change that person’s behavior. If I am angry at you, I am likely to blame you for what you did. When I blame you, you are likely to become defensive and blame me back. The cycle escalates. There is no way to engage in effective problem-solving when people are angry. The same is true if people are afraid! When a parent gets angry, a child is likely

to experience some degree of fear. Anger is not a pleasant emotion. When a child is afraid, she is most likely to try to avoid further contact with the parent. She’ll do anything to get away from the angry person. Have you ever tried to engage in problem solving with someone when you felt afraid of them? The result is that you tend to tell the angry person what they want to hear rather than what it is that you really think. That is not a formula for success. And so, the first steps are to calm everyone down. How can this be done? • Identify the situation as a teaching and learning moment. Rather than thinking of a child as doing something wrong, the parent thinks of the situation as one in which a child needs to learn new skills. Quite often, simply reframing misbehavior as a teaching opportunity is enough to bring a parent from upset to in control. • Wait until you are calm. Try to calm yourself down. If you are too angry or upset to engage your children, make sure that the situation is under control and defer problem-solving until later. • Calm your children down. If your children are upset, wait until they are calm before you start to engage in guided collaboration. Sometimes this is as simple as asking them to calm down. • “Nothing happens until you are calm.” Sometimes, children can be demanding when there is a mishap or misbehavior: “Jonah hit me!” “He started it!” “That’s not fair!” This is not the time for problem-solving. An effective strategy for calming children in these situations is simply to say, Continued on page 10

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North Shore Children & Families

Education Feature

A Conversation with Mrs. Andrea Bergstrom Grammar School Principal at Covenant Christian Academy Andrea, in your 20 years as an educator, what would you say is the primary purpose of elementary education? The role of early childhood and elementary education is to lay the foundation necessary for successful life long learning. I believe an excellent elementary education needs to read like a great book, one in which every chapter is savored and devoured. It’s a book in which we take the time to recognize each chapter’s integral importance to the rest of the story. It’s a story where the connections are rich and worthy of discussion, where questions are a natural by-product that

leads to greater understanding. Every step of our journey through grammar school must make sense in relation to the prior chapters, as well as those to come. Students must be able to close a chapter and hold onto a thorough summary before moving on. The story must be presented in a way that entices the reader to keep going, turning pages and savoring each and every word. This is how a Classical School approaches education and at CCA, this is our educational philosophy. What is Classical Education? Is it too “old-fashioned” for kids today? The term Classical Education is often misunderstood. The way I typically begin to describe it to parents is through two words: Intentionality and Simplicity. Classical curriculum is never haphazard, never student-driven, but always with the student as a central part of the learning. It’s teaching with attention to thoroughness, sequence, understanding and the connections being made, while keeping the big picture always at the forefront. Order and necessity guide the presentation of core content. This means we focus on the “who, what, where, and when,” but never neglect the “how and why”! We aim to lay a sturdy and strong foundation, brick by brick, secured with the mortar of deep understanding, which our students can build upon for a lifetime of learning. There’s nothing

Quick Facts about CCA • 232 students in Pre-Kindergarten - Grade 12 • Student / Teacher ratio of 6:1 • Average Class size is 15 • Interscholastic Athletics for MS and HS students: 13 teams • Extensive Fine Arts programs: music, theater and studio art • Located 18 miles north of Boston, 1 mile off Route 1 • Students from 45 different communities in Eastern MA • Accredited by NEAS&C and ACSI • Founded in 1991

“old-fashioned” about a structured curriculum that equips students with solid skills that give wings to creativity and personal voice. There is a beautiful simplicity to this approach it is preparatory education at its best. Can you describe CCA’s classical approach to a core subject area? Of course. Let’s look at history. In most schools history is taught “piecemeal”. Students get snip-its of information, but rarely understand how the pieces fit together. It is not comprehensive, sequential or complete. At CCA, history is taught as the “Story of Our World,” a story that has a beginning, but has not ended. Beginning in third grade, our grammar school students embark on a journey through history that will take them 6 years to complete. The lessons are chronological; dates, events, people and stories are the focus. Integrated into this adventure are classic stories, primary sources, and the study of geography. Connections are naturally drawn and a context for future learning is established. It just makes sense! Having worked in both public and private schools, using both progressive and traditional methods, I have become convinced that a classical approach to education is the best preparation we

DISCOVER COVENANT! Admissions Open House Thursday, October 27th 6-8PM can provide for students. Call it what you may — traditional learning, back to basics, researched based, best practices, or brain based learning. No fads, no trends, simply common sense—that is a Classical Education! Covenant provides students with rigorous instruction in every academic discipline from a perspective that includes the reality of God, the importance of Christian faith, and the value of a supportive community. Our commitment to the historic Christian faith, combined with our Classical educational philosophy, provides a powerful, life-shaping education for mind, body and soul. Covenant’s unique school community nurtures mutual respect and personal responsibility while cultivating students’ individual academic, athletic, musical and artistic talents. Covenant Christian Academy 83 Pine Street West Peabody, MA 01960 ph: 978-535-7100 www.covenantchristianacademy.org The information contained in this education feature was submitted by Covenant Christian Academy, and published in partnership with North Shore Children & Families; www.northshorefamilies.com.

10 North Shore Children & Families Steps in Guided Collaboration Continued from page 8

“Nothing happens until you are calm.” Then mean it: Simply stop all action and do nothing until everyone is calm. You’ll be surprised at how quickly children can calm themselves when they know that getting what they want is at stake. • Have everyone take a “break” or a “time out” until everyone is calm. Today, a “time out” is often used as a punishment: “If you don’t stop that, you’ll get a time out!” That’s not a time out. A “time out” is simply a “break” from the situation to allow everyone to calm down and reflect on the situation. Once everyone is calm, collaborative problem solving can begin.

Step 2: Identify Everyone’s Genuine Interests After everyone is calm, it is time to identify the interests of each person involved in the conflict. This is a crucial step. What does it meant to identify the interests of everyone in a conflict? Let’s start with some basic assumptions about human behavior. Why do people do what they do? Why do children do what they do? Why do parents do what they do? People act on the basis of their interests. Whenever someone is acting, there is an interest that lies behind the action. An interest is simply what the person wants. To speak of interests is to speak of a person’s goals, motives, desires, plans, standards or rules. We act to advance our interests: • Sam writes on the wall in order to draw pretty pictures that everyone can see.

• Tabby grabs her sister’s doll because she wants to play with it. • Ronald goes beyond the hour time limit because he wants to play video games. • Marissa stays out beyond her curfew because she wants to spend time with her friends and see herself as independent. • Now, let’s think of human behavior as a kind of problem-solving activity: Any given behavior can be seen as a strategy for solving a problem – namely, the problem of advancing a person’s interests. If we act in order to advance our goals, motives, desires or interests, then each act can be seen as a strategy for obtaining a goal. Each behavior can be seen as a way to solve the problem of getting what we want. • Writing on the wall solves the problem of how to draw pretty pictures that everyone can see. • Grabbing her sister’s doll solves the problem of how to get the doll from her sister in order to play with it. • Going over the time limit solves the problem of how to get more time on the computer. • Staying out after curfew solves the problem of how to spend time with friends and see oneself as independent. If we think of any given human behavior as a strategy for solving a problem, we

can see that any given action is but one way to solve the problem at hand (advancing our interests). When a child misbehaves, he is essentially choosing a strategy for solving his problem (advancing his interests) that conflicts with the parent’s legitimate interests (the parent’s standards, rules or concerns). We have a conflict here. If that is the case, it follows that one way to effect change in a child’s behavior is to help a child find alternative ways to solve his problem (advance his interests) that do not conflict with the parent’s interests. This becomes a problem of collaborative problem solving. How can the child and parent work together to find ways to simultaneously advance both of their legitimate interests? In other words: • How can Sam make pretty pictures that everyone can see without writing on the walls? • How can Tabby get a chance to play with the doll that her sister is playing with without grabbing it? • How can Ronald get more computer time without engaging in mindless activity? • How can Marissa spend more time with her friends and experience herself as more independent without staying up too late or placing herself in situations where she might engage in risky behavior? These are the types of questions that lend themselves to guided collaboration and problem solving. Although not all situations can be framed in this way, you might be surprised at just how many situations (perhaps the vast majority) can be framed in this way. However, the key to doing so is to identify everyone’s genuine interests by separating a person’s interests from their behaviors and positions, their goals from their actions, and their strategies from their problems. It is to this crucial step that we now turn.

Step 3: Negotiate from Interests, not Positions This is a crucial step that is at the heart of guided collaboration and problem solving. In their brilliant and highly influential Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and William Ury put forth several principles of effective negotiation and conflict resolution. These principles apply to all forms of negotiation between people, including the type of guided collaboration that we are describing here. The distinction between interests and positions is an important one in all forms of conflict management. A person’s interest – as we have been discussing all along – simply refers to what a person wants. Interests refer to a child’s or adult’s wants, desires, goals, concerns, principles and so forth. In contrast, a position refers to a person’s stance on how best to meet his or her interests. A position is something that is already decided upon; an interest is that which motivates a decision on how to act. For example, Tabby wants to play with Debbie’s doll; this is her interest. If Tabby were to say, “If Debbie won’t give me the doll, I’ll grab it from her”, this would be her position. Given her interest (i.e., “I want the doll”), Tabby’s position consists of her already made up decision about how to advance her interests. Now, once someone has already decided on a position – a way to advance their interests – it’s often very hard to turn back. Intractable arguments between Continued on page 12

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Steps in Guided Collaboration Continued from page 11

adults, between children or between adults and children usually occur when there is a conflict about positions. When two people arrive at different decisions about what they want to do, there is very little room for negotiation. The decisions have already been made. To modify one’s decision would require that a person “go back” on his or her position. The conflict escalates to a contest in which one person must win and the other person must lose. When this happens, there is a threat of “losing face”. People tend to “dig in their heels” and a battle of wills ensues. When this happens, everyone loses (even if someone “wins”). The trick to managing conflict between people is to understand this: Beneath every person’s action or position lies an interest. To manage conflicts between people, negotiate about interests, not positions. To illustrate, consider the following scenarios: It’s raining out. Mom wants Jess to wear her raincoat to school. Jess refuses, saying she hates her rain coat. But Mom insists, “It’s raining; you need to wear your raincoat”. Jess becomes angry and defensive, “You never let me do what I want to do!” This is a conflict over two opposing positions. Mom has already decided that she wants Jess to wear her raincoat; Jess has already decided that she does not want to wear her raincoat. Such a conflict over fixed positions is a zero-sum game; someone either wins or loses. What would happen if the mother and child were to focus on each other’s

interests rather than on positions? Again, an interest is what a person really wants. An interest is that which motivates a position. By exploring the interests that motivate a person’s (current) position, we can find out if there are ways in which the child (or mother) can advance her interests that do not conflict with her mother’s (or child’s) interests. Mom:

Jess, it’s raining out. Don’t forget to wear your raincoat!

Jess:

I don’t want to wear a raincoat!

Mom:

You don’t want your raincoat? Why don’t you want to wear your raincoat?

Jess:

I don’t need one!

Mom:

You don’t need one? But it’s pouring out! There must be some other reason why you don’t want to wear your raincoat!

Jess:

I hate that raincoat. The last time I wore that raincoat, everyone called me names!

Mom:

Goodness! That must have been embarrassing. But we’ve got a problem here. I don’t want you to get wet, and you don’t want the kids to make fun of you. Is there some way that we can prevent you from getting wet and not have the kids make fun of you?

Jess:

Well, you know, I kinda like your blue jacket.

Mom:

You mean my old blue jacket with the rip in the sleeve? I didn’t know you liked that old thing. I think it looks awful! But if you like it, you can have it!

The Three Languages of Collaborative Problem Solving

Jess:

Gee, thanks Mom!

It is sometimes helpful to examine new ideas from different perspectives. The practice of guided collaboration and problem solving can be understood from a variety of different perspectives, each of which uses its own language and metaphors. Different people find some ways of thinking about guided collaboration to be more intuitive than others. We can think of the process of managing conflict in terms of the language of:

In this situation, instead of focusing on positions (Mom’s decision that Jess should wear a raincoat and Jess’s decision not to wear one), Mom focused on interests instead. Digging beneath the positions that both Mom and Jess expressed, Mom tried to find out what it was that was really bothering Jess. She found out that Jess’s real interest was that she didn’t want to be made fun of in school. Digging beneath her own initial position (i.e., “Wear your raincoat!”), mom finds that her real interest is in keeping Jess dry and warm. By identifying the genuine interests that motivated each person’s initial positions, Mom found that while their initial positions were in conflict with each other, there was not necessarily conflict between Mom’s interest (i.e., to keep Jess warm and dry) and Jess’s interest (i.e., to look “cool” at school). It was at this point that Mom and Jess were able to brainstorm in order to find a “winwin” solution – a solution in which both Mom and Jess are able to advance their legitimate interests. The focus on genuine interests is central. Note what has happened in this “negotiation”. Mom was able to identify and assert her interests without giving in. However, she is open to alternative ways of meeting those interests. She is willing to entertain other options as long as they don’t conflict with her desire that Jess be warm and dry. By opening up the conversation for Jess, Mom guided Jess through the process of collaborative problem solving. Jess was able to offer a solution to the problem that advanced her own interests but which did not violate her mother’s interests.

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• Negotiation (interests and positions) • Problem solving (problems and solutions) • Everyday behavior (desires and actions) Each of these “languages” can be directly translated into each other: • Interests = Problems = Wants and Desires • Positions = Solutions = Acts and Behaviors Looking at the process of collaborative problem solving from each of these three viewpoints often helps parents to better understand and apply the principles to everyday situations. Examples of the three “languages” are provided in the figure on the next page. The language of negotiation. The first language is the language of “negotiation”. Using this language, we can think of guided collaboration and problem solving as a form of guided negotiation. In this approach, as described earlier, each person has interests and positions. When positions are in conflict, parents and children work to clarify and understand each other’s underlying interests. Collaborative problem solving becomes a process of finding new Continued on page 14

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The Three Languages Continued from page 13

ways to simultaneously meet the legitimate interests of both the parent and child. The top panel of the figure to the right, illustrates this language using the example of Jess and the raincoat (described earlier). Although the mother’s statement that Jess should wear a raincoat conflicts with Jess’s refusal, the interests that motivate these conflicting positions are not in conflict. By focusing on the legitimate interests of both the child and the parent, mother and daughter were able to create a “win-win” solution – namely, that Jess would wear her mother’s old blue jacket instead of a raincoat. The language of problem solving. Using the language of problem solving, each person in a conflict is seen to have a problem that he or she is trying to solve. (In the language of negotiation, each person’s problem is his or her interest.) Each person’s behavior is seen as an attempt to solve his or her personal problem. A conflict occurs when one person’s solution to her problem (his or her behavior) itself causes a problem for another person! The child’s solution to his problem becomes a problem for you! In the example described in the figure, Ronald has a problem: “How can I get more time on the computer?” His solution is to lie about how much time he has spent on the computer. His lie then becomes a problem for his parents! It is a problem because his parents want him to be using his time more constructively. In order to resolve conflict between parent and child, we have to first look beyond the solutions to the underlying problems that each person is trying to solve. Again, we have to dig underneath the solutions that each person has chosen in order to unearth the underlying problems that each person is trying to solve. And so, the mantra of the problem solving approach becomes: See next page.

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What is the problem that you are trying to solve? Once a parent guides the process of identifying the problems that both the parent and the child are trying to solve, the issue becomes one of trying to find solutions that solve both problems simultaneously. In the situation displayed in the middle panel of the figure, there are varieties of ways in which the conflict between Ronald and his parent can be resolved. For example, perhaps Ronald’s parent would agree that Ronald can spend more time on the computer, as long as he is engaged in certain constructive activities (e.g., making a creative video; playing online chess; watching a video on the National Geographic website, etc.). The language of everyday behavior. At this point, it is probably clear how the language of negotiation and the language of problem-solving map onto the language of everyday behavior. Interests and problems correspond to wants, desires and goals; positions and solutions correspond to actions, behaviors and statements. In the situation described in the lower panel of the accompanying figure, Marissa’s behavior – her decision to stay out late – is at odds with her parent’s stated curfew. It may be possible for this conflict to be resolved if Marissa and her mother focus on the motives, goals and desires that underlie their conflicting behavior. It is likely that Marissa’s mother would support her desire to be more independent; Marissa is likely to support – or at least understand – her mother’s desire that she remain safe. Might they be able to agree upon a win-win solution that can satisfy both of their goals? Of course, if they can’t, we must remember that the relationship between Marissa and her mother is not a symmetrical one. Mom is guiding the process of collaboration; ultimately, she is the one responsible for Marissa and her safety. She is open and flexible, but not so flexible as to “give in” to her core principles. Which of these three languages (or combinations of languages) works best for you?

North Shore Children & Families

Step 4: Generate Options – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Once you have identified the interests (problems and goals) of each person in the conflict, and have separated those interests from each person’s positions (solutions and actions), it is now time to brainstorm. It’s time for each person involved in the conflict to work together to generate as many possible solutions to the conflict as possible. Your goal is to generate win-win solutions – solutions that advance the interest of each person in the conflict, without giving in on the parent’s core interests. As you generate solutions, it is important to solicit and accept all types of solutions – good solutions, bad solutions and even ugly solutions. This is a very important point. Of course, we are most interested in generating good (winwin) solutions, but bad solutions and even ugly solutions are important as well. They are important for many reasons: Sometimes bad solutions are really good solutions. Sometimes people don’t suggest solutions because they think that they are stupid or will make people look stupid. Accepting (or even inviting!) bad solutions solves this problem. For example, Marissa wants to stay out later than curfew and might be afraid to suggest that she be permitted to stay out later as long as she calls home on the hour. Her parents might reject such a solution; but then again, they might not. Sometimes bad solutions lead to good solutions. Let’s say that Marissa suggested to her parents that she be allowed to stay out later with her friends Continued on page 16

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Collaborative Problem Solving Continued from page 15

at night if she called first. Imagine that this clever suggestion was intriguing to her parents, but ultimately unacceptable. They simply didn’t feel comfortable Solution

with Marissa being out beyond 9:30. But then they reasoned, what else can we do, besides having Marissa call in, to ensure that she is safe while being with her friends? Marissa’s father gets an idea – let’s clear out the basement so that Marissa and her friends can spend time in our house later at night. Might this be a win-win solution? If it is, then it is an example of a “bad” idea leading to a good one!

Pro

Con

Stay out late and call home on the hour

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends • Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without Mom and Dad

• Marissa’s parents don’t feel that this is safe enough • It’s still late and Marissa will be tired the next day

Make space in the basement for teen get together and call home on the hour

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends • Mom and Dad feel that because they can supervise the teens, it will be safe • Marissa feels a bit more independent, but she’s still being supervised by Mom and Dad

• Marissa doesn’t feel entirely independent, as she is still being supervised by Mom and Dad • It will take work to clear out the basement to make this happen

Extend Marissa’s curfew by 1 hour

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends • Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without Mom and Dad

• Mom and Dad don’t feel that this is safe • Mom and Dad don’t trust what might happen when teens get together

Allow Marissa to stay over Paul’s house with her friends

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends • Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without Mom and Dad

• Mom and Dad don’t feel that this is safe • Mom and Dad feel that Marissa is showing poor judgment by proposing this seriously

Allow Marissa to stay out late with friends at Alison’s house while Alison’s parents are home to supervise them

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends • Mom and Dad feel that because Alison’s parents are responsible, they can supervise the teens • Marissa feels more independent because she is not being directly supervised by Mom and Dad

• Mom and Dad would prefer that Marissa be supervised in their house, but they trust Alison’s Mom and Dad • Marissa feels that she is not being totally independent as she is still being supervised by someone

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Ugly ideas help clarify what’s really not acceptable and why. Imagine that, upon hearing her father’s suggestion, Marissa comes up with her own counter-suggestion: “That’s a good idea, Dad. But you know, Paul has a room in the basement of his parent’s house. It even has a separate entrance where Paul can come and go as he pleases! I could stay late at Paul’s house”. Not surprisingly, Dad asks, “Hmmm…isn’t Paul the one who recently got suspended for drinking beer behind the high school? Do you think that I would think it would be safe for you to spend time alone, in his room, with its separate entrance, outside of our house, with someone like that? No – that’s a truly bad idea.” A powerful “no” can clearly identify what is truly unacceptable and why. A powerful “no” tells us what is not acceptable so that we can more clearly talk about what might be acceptable.

Step 5: Select Solutions Jointly and Take Responsibility for Them After a set of possible solutions has been proposed – hopefully by everyone involved in the conflict – then it’s time to evaluate them and jointly choose a course of action. Although it is not necessary, it is sometimes useful to list all of the proposed solutions and evaluate their strengths and weaknesses. You might even make a table, such as the one on page 16. This table can give a sense of the range of different solutions that might be proposed for any given problem (from the good through the bad to the ugly), as well how each solution has both positive and negative points. Note that no single solution fully satisfies both Marissa and her parents – although two solutions come quite close. Solutions 1, 3 and 5 are unacceptable to Marissa’s parents. Solutions 2 and 5 are acceptable to both Marissa and her parents; Marissa would prefer option 5 and her parents would prefer option 1. Let’s say that Marissa and her parents agree to choose option 5. Both Marissa and her parents are happy: Marissa gets to stay out late with friends, and Mom and Dad are confident that she will be safe. But it’s not over yet! This is because both Marissa and her parents must now take responsibility for the outcomes of the decision that they have jointly made. Let’s imagine that Marissa stays out late with friends at Alison’s house and, somehow, someone smuggled some alcohol into the basement. At this point, Marissa would have demonstrated that her preferred solution did not work. When Marissa is prohibited from further late-night stays at Alison’s house, Marissa has no warrant to complain; since she was a partner in the joint creation of this solution, Marissa (and her parents) must take responsibility for the consequences of her decision. Parents often find that when their children are given the opportunity to influence the course of decision-making, there are fewer fights when decision-making fails. Although everyone wins when the decisions are successful, when they fail, everyone is aware of the need to regroup and redress.

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Fall Family Fun Continued from page 2

7. Visit the local zoo, museum or aquarium. Many have free or discount days, so check online first. 8. Share a rainy fall afternoon indoors with good old-fashioned board games or a huge jigsaw puzzle that the entire family can work on together. 9. If your backyard permits, enjoy a campfire and make s’mores! Tell scary stories and sing old camp songs (you know you remember some!) around the camp fire. Tell your kids what your childhood was like. 10. Have a family yard or house clean up day – and make it fun! Grab an old pair of jeans and an old flannel shirt and while you are raking the leaves, make a scarecrow! And before the leaves are put into those big paper bags, make a huge pile to jump in first! 11. Enjoy a family hike or bike ride along one of the many safe trails throughout the region. 12. Look for unique birds at Plum Island in Newburyport, then head to southern coastal New Hampshire and Maine to

look for deer, moose, seals and more wildlife. 13. Go on a whale watch and see if you can find the rare great blue whale that was seen in our waters recently. 14. Take advantage of one of the many open houses that appear in this issue, and explore the options for your children at area independent schools. These are all free, and many offer fun activities for the little ones while parents learn about the school. 15. Spend a clear night gazing at the stars! Look online (or borrow a book from the library) for the constellations that are appearing in our fall night skies and see if you can find them. Invest in an inexpensive telescope to get a closer look. 16. Go to the airport, a big one or a small one – and watch the planes take off and land. Discuss the places that you and your family would like to visit. 17. Collect seashells and beach glass, then make holiday decorations and inexpensive yet thoughtful gifts for family and friends. Continued on page 22

Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

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Community Calendar To Submit to our Community Calendar:

www.northshorefamilies.com! November issue ad space deadline is 10/12 if you need ad production assistance – or at noon on Friday, 10/14, if you will be submitting a completed ad (due by 10/18). Save 10% off your first series of classes at North Shore Yoga Studio, Beverly! Mention ad on page 17!

Please visit us at www.northshorefamilies.com and submit your listings directly through our website. From our Home Page – click on Calendar – then click on Submit in the upper right corner and our form will open for you to complete and submit your listings.

FREE CLASSES:

While we will make every attempt to post all appropriate listings in our Community Calendar, space is limited – and priority will be given to those events that are free and family-friendly – and those submitted by our advertising partners & sponsors.

Call today to schedule a FREE introductory class at The Little Gym! See ad on page 7!

Check out the special offers from Northside Dental Care in Peabody on page 14! www.northside-dentalcare.com

Join North Shore Yoga Studio, Beverly, for a FREE trial class! Mention the ad on page 17 & receive 10% off your first series of classes!

You’ll smile when you see the special offers from Malden Family Dental – see page 8! www.malden-familydental.com

Enroll Now for Fall – try your 1st class FREE! Ages 2-adult, beginners welcome at Boston Ballet School’s Marblehead studio! See ad on page 7!

Calendar listings are generally due by the 15th of each month prior and must be submitted through our website. If you need to guarantee that your listing will be posted – please contact Suzanne to advertise. See our current Calendar for our upcoming issue deadlines. To advertise, please contact Suzanne at suzanne@northshorefamilies.com or 781.584.4569.

For complete listing accuracy, we recommend that you call ahead or check the websites listed. Featured listings do not constitute an endorsement from this publisher and we encourage our readers to always do their own research.

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FREE Enrichment Saturdays are starting in November at The Phoenix School, Salem! See ad on page 13! How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, 6-week workshop for parents & caregivers of pre-school & grade school children. Presented by Plumfield Academy, Danvers; workshop meets monthly Oct. 2011 thru April 2012. Contact for dates & times; $30/family (incl. book, materials & childcare). To register: www.plumfieldacademy.org. Bay State Dance is accepting new registrations for ballet, tap, jazz, Mommy & Me & Zumba classes in Medford, Stoneham & No. Reading. See ad on page 16; www.baystatedance.com.

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Have an Awesome Birthday Bash at The Little Gym! See ad on page 7! Roller World Skating Center, Saugus, is now taking registrations for fall birthday parties & school fundraisers! Call 781.233.3255 or visit www.roller-world.com. See ad on page 8! PowerXpress by FirstKids, 9am (Saturdays, 4 weeks, begins 10/16) of interactive play & sharing biblical values, with cooking, games, science & crafts; free for ages 4-11 at 194 Main St., Amesbury (in theater beh. post office); www.amesburykids.org – FirstKids is The Children’s Ministry of First United Methodist Church. Full Time Infant Openings at Miss Wendy’s Child Care, Salem, MA. Space is limited for toddlers, school age & after school care. See ad on page 18! Spaces now available for private music lessons, ages 7 to adults, with Ibanez Music, Beverly. See ad on page 18!

Bay State Skating School, Learn to Skate Lessons, ages 4.5-adults; visit www.baystateskatingschool.org for area rink locations (Medford: Flynn & LoConte rinks) & class times. Learn to Skate Group Lessons with Cape Ann Figure Skating Club. Ongoing registration for hockey & figure skaters, ages 2.5-adults. Classes held at Talbot Rink (Gloucester) & Pingree School Rink (Hamilton).Visit www.cafsc.org for more information. Register online by Oct. 12th for the 2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCA Spooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bash, on Oct. 29th, 7:30-11:30am. www.melroseymca.org Fall Programs for Kids (Preschoolers, K-5 or ages 9+) at The Community House of Hamilton & Wenham. For schedule, rates & to register: www.communityhouse.org or 978.468.4818 ext. 10. WEDNESDAYS: Open School Wednesdays, 9-11am, at Harborlight Montessori School, Beverly. See ad on page 4! 2nd WEDNESDAY OF EACH MONTH: La Leche League of Beverly & Peabody meets on the 2nd Wed. of each month at 10am at St. John’s Lutheran Church, 32 Ellsworth Rd., Peabody (corner of Ellsworth & King Sts.). All breastfeeding mothers & mothers-to-be are welcome for help & info. ATTENTION SCHOOLS, FAIRS & EVENTS: Green Infusion presents In Small Steps and Discover Your Green Heart, environmental presentations for schools, fairs & events. Listen to original songs, sing along, learn to help the environment. Now booking fall presentation dates for your school or event: info@green-infusion.com or 978.744.9124. See ad on page 19.

North Shore Children & Families $30pp ticket/ donation by Oct. 9th; $35 after Oct. 9th. Wear your most fashionable hat – best one wins a prize! Limited to 250 attendees, so buy your tickets today! Enjoy a delightful afternoon on the North Shore, while helping others in need. North Shore Music Theatre box office is open for all remaining musicals & concerts! Musicals: The King and I, thru Oct. 9; Legally Blonde, Nov. 1-13; A Christmas Carol, Dec. 2-23. Concerts/Events: Harvey Robbins’ Royalty of Rock ‘N Roll, Oct. 22. For tix & info.: www.nsmt.org or 978.232.7200. Also on sale now: Seussical the Musical, April 2012 show dates. Salem Theatre Co. opens Season 9 with The Woman in Black, thru Oct. 15; www.salemtheatre.com. Victorian Family Day, December 3, 10am-9pm, at Old Town Hall in Salem. Net proceeds benefit Make A Wish Foundation. Featuring marionettes, Santa visit, Dickens Parlor Performances, games, story time, crafts, German Cotillion, Old Curiosity Shop & more. For schedule & tix: www.dickensnorthofboston.com.

Plumfield Academy

Runway USA: Celebrating Women in Uniform, November 7, 6pm, at North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly. Pres. by Lorraine Roy Designer Collections; proceeds benefit organizations supporting our troops. Pre show reception, boutique tables, food tastings, raffles, Lorraine Roy Designer Collection fashion show; $100 VIP ticket incl. post show dessert reception; $50 gen. adm. For every 3 pairs of new, white sox for men or women that you bring to the event, you will get a free raffle ticket! For tix & more info.: www.nsmt.org. La Cage Aux Folles, starring George Hamilton, at the Citi Performing Arts Center Shubert Theatre, Boston, Dec. 5-18; tix on sale now at www.broadwayinboston.com or www.citicenter.org or at Wang Theatre box office. ENTER BY OCTOBER 21: 2nd Annual Malden Public Library Teen Scary Story Contest! For students in grades 5-12; write an original mystery, suspenseful thriller, dark teen romance or humorous Halloween tale. Official contest forms & rules are available in the YA Room at the library; or

download online & print: http://maldenpubliclibrary.org/blog/teens/. Contest is open to Massachusetts residents only, one entry per student. Stories (2,600 words or less) must be submitted in-person or emailed to Ms. Barnes by October 21, 2011 at 6 pm. Gift cards & copies of published book with all entries will be awarded to 1st, 2nd & 3rd place in the middle school (gr. 5,6,7,8) & high school (gr. 9,10,11,12) categories. For more info., email Ms. Barnes at jbarnes@maldenpubliclibrary.org or stop by the library. SEPTEMBER 30 – OCTOBER 10: The Topsfield Fair returns for its 193rd year! Topsfield Fair has developed a curriculum that is drawing interest from many educators and over the past couple of years has registered thousands of students from approximately 50 schools to take part in their program. Teachers register for this program and come with their students for classes on bee keeping, poultry and the New England Owl. This education program is completely free and on two of the days, all of the children Continued on page 20

ATTENTION SCHOOLS, FAIRS & EVENTS!

A Charlotte Mason School for positive and creative students in grades 1-8.

Experience the Gentle Art of Learning • Stimulating Great Books Curriculum • 8/1 Student-Teacher Ratio • Family Time Respected • Tuition - $9,000 - no additional fees

GET TICKETS NOW FOR:

presents

In Small Steps Discover Your Green Heart! and

• Performances for schools, fairs and special events • Listen to original songs • Sing along • Take a visual journey • Learn to help the environment • Meet Naz and friends

Marblehead Little Theatre presents Oliver!, November 5-20 at the Nelson Aldrich Performing Arts Center in Marblehead. See ad on page 2! 2nd Annual Tea Party on the Island, hosted by Women & Wishes/New England Chapter. At Nahant Country Club on October 23, 1-4pm. Featuring raffles, live music & refreshments; proceeds help women transition through life’s challenges. Order tickets (or make a donation) at Nahant Country Club, 280 Nahant Rd., Nahant or call 781.581.0515.

ses Open Hou 8 & 25

, Oct. 1 Tuesdays 12 noon 10 am –

We may be the answer to your prayer. Call us at 978.304.0273.

Book your date today! Contact info@green-infusion.com! Now booking fall presentation dates.

123 Dayton St., Danvers www.plumfieldacademy.org

www.green-infusion.com

978.744.9124

487 Locust Street Danvers, MA 978-777-4699

OCTOBER 6:

North Shore Children & Families

Community Calendar

OCTOBER 1 + 2:

Continued from page 19

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at Silsby Farm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill – every weekend in October from 10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch, Hay Castle, Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, Pony Rides, Farm Animal Display (free!), Kids’ Games, Haunted House for Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

SEPTEMBER 30 – OCTOBER 10: receive free lunch. Check out their website for things that teachers (and everyone) can download – whether you attend the fair this year or not. www.topsfieldfair.org OCTOBER 1: International Day for the Elderly; International Frugal Fun Day; World Vegetarian Day; Homemade Cookies Day; World Card Making Day Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly, hosts Moraine Farm Open House, 10am-3pm; see ad on page 13! Ipswich Lions Club hosts annual Chowderfest at Ipswich Riverwalk, noon-3pm, in EBSCO parking lot, downtown Ipswich. Sample N.E. clam chowder from 8 restaurants, enjoy music, children’s activities, food, celebrity judges & appearances, vendors & more; all proceeds benefit charity. $10pp; children 10 + under free. For more info., contact Ray Morley at 978.356.2431.

OCTOBER 3: Child Health Day; Captain Kangaroo Day (1st aired 1955) OCTOBER 4: World Animal Day OCTOBER 5: World Teacher Day; Do Something Nice Day

NOVEMBER ISSUE DEADLINES!

November Calendar Listings Due By Tues., Oct. 18 Please submit your listings directly through our website.

To secure your ad space:

suzanne@ northshorefamilies.com

781.584.4569

OCTOBER 7: Yom Kippur begins at sundown; World Smile Day OCTOBER 8: The Phoenix School (Salem) Online Auction begins at 9pm – ends Nov. 6 at 12am; for ages 18+. Great items to bid on at www.biddingforgood.com.

OCTOBER 9: Fire Prevention Day; Curious Events Day 36th season begins for Le Grand David & His Own Spectacular Magic Company! $26/adults, $15/children under 12; for ages 4+. Performances at Cabot St. Cinema, Beverly. www.legranddavid.com OCTOBER 10: Happy Birthday, Cindy Sostak! Columbus Day OCTOBER 12:

OCTOBER 8 + 9: Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at Silsby Farm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill – every weekend in October from 10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch, Hay Castle, Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, Pony Rides, Farm Animal Display (free!), Kids’ Games, Haunted House for Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh

Sukkot begins at sundown; Full Moon; Moment of Frustration Day; Dia de la Raza; Farmers’ Day If you need to advertise in the NOVEMBER issue, and if you need our ad production assistance, please confirm your ad size and submit your ad materials today! You can see our ad rates, sizes & available discounts at www.northshorefamilies.com. Phoenix School Open House, Salem, 3:30-4:30pm. Pre-K through 8th grade; see ad on page 13!

The North Shore Party Planner To advertise, please contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com.

Ad Space Closes Fri., Oct. 14 All Ads Due/Done By Tues., Oct. 18

Adult Speaker Series at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly, 7-9pm; Waldorf Education: Can It Meet Today’s Children – and Help Today’s World?” Faculty presentation & open discussion; see ad on page 13!

Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

The

Bayside of Nahant

Oceanfront Splendor... Magnificent Views... Elegant & Affordable North Shore's best kept secret & the perfect location for: • Weddings,

Personalized Poems & Prose by Suzanne For Gifts

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Speeches, Toasts & Roasts

781.592.3080

781.584.4569

www.baysidefunctions.com

· Private party – clean, safe, beautiful facility all to yourselves. · Instructor led – great age-appropriate games and activities. · Stress-free for The Little Gym of Danvers parents…we take 978.777.7977 care of EVERYTHING! www.tlgdanversma.com Call for details.

The Little Gym of Woburn 781.933.3388 • www.tlgwoburnma.com

For Invitations

Showers • Birthdays, Sweet 16s • Bar/Bat Mitzvahs • Anniversaries • All Special Occasions • Wedding & Function Packages • Many Menus to Choose From One Range Road, Nahant

Have an Awesome Birthday Bash at The Little Gym!

Clever, Custom Verses for Your Invitations & Thank You Notes

For Events

suzanne @northshorefamilies.com

Birthday Party on Roller Skates! Roller World, Saugus 781.233.3255 Party Line

A COOL PARTY STORE! Route 110, Salisbury

1.855.45.PARTY www.gofunnybones.com

Ages 5 & Under Birthday Parties at

www.malltots.com 978.777.6411

Last chance to register online for the 2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCA Spooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bash on Oct. 29th, 7:30-11:30am. www.melroseymca.org

bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 14:

OCTOBER 16:

Advertising Space Reservation DEADLINE at NOON for ADS in our NOVEMBER issue!

Dictionary Day; Boss’s Day; World Food Day

To advertise, contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com!

Fall Open House at Austin Preparatory School, Reading, 11am-3pm. See ad on back cover!

OCTOBER 15:

OCTOBER 18:

Sweetest Day; International Newspaper Carrier Day; Grouch Day; Poetry Day

Community Calendar listings’ deadline for NOVEMBER issue! Please submit your listings for NOVEMBER events directly through our website (see beg. of this Calendar for details).

Open House at Tower School, Marblehead, 9-11am. See ad on page 6! OCTOBER 15 + 16: Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at Silsby Farm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill – every weekend in October from 10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch, Hay Castle, Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, Pony Rides, Farm Animal Display (free!), Kids’ Games, Haunted House for Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay

Open School at Waring School, Beverly, 9am-2pm. See ad on page 14! Open House at Plumfield Academy, Danvers, 10am-noon; for families of pre-school & grade school children.Visit faculty, tour facility, explore curriculum materials, view student samples, discuss our philosophy & methodology. See ad on page 19! OCTOBER 19:

North Shore Children & Families

OCTOBER 20:

OCTOBER 22:

Open Classroom at Clark School, Danvers, 9-10:30am. See ad on page 19!

Make A Difference Day; Nut Day; Stuttering Awareness Day

OCTOBER 21 – DEADLINE TO ENTER:

Open House at Boston Ballet’s North Shore Studio in Marblehead, 3-5pm. See ad on page 7!

2nd Annual Malden Public Library Teen Scary Story Contest! For students in grades 5-12; write an original mystery, suspenseful thriller, dark teen romance or humorous Halloween tale. Official contest forms & rules are available in the YA Room at the library; or download online & print: http://maldenpubliclibrary.org/blog/teens/. Contest is open to Massachusetts residents only, one entry per student. Stories (2,600 words or less) must be submitted in-person or emailed to Ms. Barnes by October 21, 2011 at 6 pm. Gift cards & copies of published book with all entries will be awarded to 1st, 2nd & 3rd place in the middle school (gr. 5,6,7,8) & high school (gr. 9,10,11,12) categories. For more info., email Ms. Barnes at jbarnes@maldenpubliclibrary.org or stop by the library.

Children’s Costume Parade & Party, 11am-3pm; $10pp for parade & party. Hosted by The Phoenix School, Salem. Register on Salem Common 11-11:45am; parade in costumes at noon; costume party 1-3pm at The Phoenix School, who has hosted a Children’s Halloween Costume Party for 30 years! All ages welcome – bring your friends! www.phoenixschool.org My Daddy Rocks! 11:30am at The Community House of Hamilton & Wenham; $8pp, Dads are FREE! $25 max. cost/family. Concert with Brian Doser & band for kids of all ages – Moms are welcome, too! Advance ticket purchase recommended as space is limited. OCTOBER 22 + 23: Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at Silsby Farm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –

Evaluate Your Life Day

Continued on page 22

North Shore Children & Families is available for free each month at over 425 familyfrequented locations throughout the North Shore!

Attention Advertisers: Ask us about our … … “Try Us!” program for new advertisers … Annual advertising frequency programs … The Annual Planner for Schools program … The North Shore Party Planner program … Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase series … Service Directory Target your message to North Shore parents. We’ve got the North Shore covered!

2011 PUBLISHING SCHEDULE Issue

Ad Space Deadline

Ads Due

November Winter (Dec./Jan.) February

Fri., Oct. 14 Fri., Nov. 18 Fri., Jan. 20

Tues., Oct. 18 Tues., Nov. 22 Tues., Jan. 24

To explore your advertising options or to secure your space, please contact Suzanne at 781.584.4569 or suzanne@northshorefamilies.com. To learn more, please visit www.northshorefamilies.com.

North Shore Children & Families

Community Calendar Continued from page 21

OCTOBER 22 + 23: every weekend in October from 10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch, Hay Castle, Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, Pony Rides, Farm Animal Display (free!), Kids’ Games, Haunted House for Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

student work examples. At Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly; see ad on page 13! Open House at Plumfield Academy, Danvers, 10am-noon; for families of pre-school & grade school children.Visit faculty, tour facility, explore curriculum materials, view student samples, discuss our philosophy & methodology. See ad on page 19! Exhibition Night/Open House at The Phoenix School, Salem, 6:30-7:30pm. Exhibition focus is on Halloween games the older kids have made, our all-school STEAM work (science, technology, engineering, arts, mathematics) & more. See ad on page 13!

OCTOBER 23:

OCTOBER 27:

Open House at Cohen Hillel Academy, Marblehead, 1-3pm. See ad on page 21!

Discover Covenant! Fall Admissions Open House at Covenant Christian Academy, W. Peabody, 6-8pm. Meet faculty, tour our state-of-the-art facility & discover more about classical education; Pre-K – 12th grade. See ad on the back cover!

OCTOBER 25: Experience the Waldorf Math Curriculum, 7-8:30pm; focus on math curriculum from the Lower Grades through the Middle School. Q&A, see

An Anthology of Stage Magic, 7:30pm; $26/adults, $15/children under

12. For ages 4+, featuring Le Grand David & Beverly’s Spectacular Magic Company at The Larcom Theatre, 13 Wallis St., Beverly. www.legranddavid.com

OCTOBER 30:

OCTOBER 29:

Happy Halloween! Carve A Pumpkin Day; Increase Your Psychic Powers Day

Open House at Sparhawk School, Amesbury, 10am-noon. See ad on back cover! 2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCA Spooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bash, 7:30-11:30am. www.melroseymca.org OCTOBER 29 + 30: Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at Silsby Farm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill – every weekend in October from 10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch, Hay Castle, Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, Pony Rides, Farm Animal Display (free!), Kids’ Games, Haunted House for Toddlers (free!), Country BBQ & our Farm Stand with fresh seasonal vegetables, fall decorations (hay bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities are free as noted. Order your fresh Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farm with your family! See ad on page 3!

Fall Family Fun Continued from page 17

18. Start an indoor garden with flowers or herbs and enjoy the greenery throughout the winter. 19. Visit one of the area cornfield mazes or sunflower mazes and get lost in the outdoors. (See page 3!) 20. Help older kids plan ways they can help neighbors and make some pocket money for holiday gifts or expenses by offering babysitting, mother’s helper, fall yard clean up or winter snow removal services. 21. Visit a relative or friend that you have been meaning to see. If you don’t add this to your schedule, time will continue to pass by until you make it happen. 22. Share a few hours making homemade costumes for Halloween (and clear out some old clutter, too!). Gather old clothes, old makeup, old sheets, old jewelry – along with some glue and glitter and markers – and create your own costumes this year. 23. After apple picking at the local farm, make pies and apple crisps together – from scratch! 24. Get your family involved in a local charity and sacrifice an hour or two

Candy Corn Day OCTOBER 31:

NOVEMBER 5: Open House w/Lantern Making at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly, 10am-noon. Tour classrooms, see student work, make a lantern to bring home, a tradition at Waldorf schools worldwide. See ad on page 13! Open House at Andover School of Montessori, Andover, 10am-noon. See ad on page 18! Unbound, Highlights from the Phillips Library at PEM, Salem; opens Nov. 5. See over 30 rare objects including a leaf from the Gutenberg Bible, original transcripts from the Salem witchcraft trials & more. www.pem.org NOVEMBER 6: Admissions Open House at The Pike School, Andover, 1-3pm. See ad on page 16! Daylight Saving Time ends – fall back, spring ahead! Turn clocks back one hour to 1am at 2am. each month to help other local people in need, while teaching your children an important lesson. You can also volunteer to help your elderly neighbors this fall and winter, by shoveling or perhaps making an extra plate at dinner to take over to share with them. 25. Consider inviting another child along on your family adventures from time to time. There are many local children, including some we may know, who are less fortunate and would truly benefit from joining in your family’s fun. Most of these suggestions will bring you and your family closer together, many will make you feel really good – and many are free or very inexpensive. And several not only unite your family, they also provide an invaluable learning experience: how to care about and for others, as well as ourselves. It just takes a few hours and occasionally a tank of gas a week. There are no good excuses not to try – and no one is that busy that they can’t find a few hours to spend with those they love most, especially while having so much fun! I hope that you and your family enjoy some family fun this autumn on the North Shore! Until Next Time ~ Suzanne

Service Directory ART INSTRUCTION

EARLY EDUCATION

TheArtRoom Topsfield 978.887.8809 www.theartroomstudio.com

Little Sprouts Several North Shore Locations 877.977.7688 www.littlesprouts.com

CHILD DAY CARE

Next Generation Children’s Centers Locations include Andover & Beverly 866.711.NGCC www.ngccenters.com

Miss Wendy’s Childcare Salem F/T infant openings! See ad on page 18! DANCE INSTRUCTION Bay State Dance Medford, Stoneham, No. Reading 978.270.9983 www.baystatedance.com Boston Ballet School/NS Studio Marblehead 781.456.6380 www.bostonballet.org/school DENTAL CARE Andover Pediatric Dentistry Andover & Lawrence Locations www.andoverpediatricdentistry.com Malden Family Dental Malden 781.388.0900 www.malden-familydental.com Drs. Merle, Zicherman & Associates Peabody & Lynn www.mzdental.com Northside Dental Care Peabody 978.535.8244 www.northside-dentalcare.com

North Shore Children & Families

MUSIC INSTRUCTION

SCHOOLS

Ibáñez Music Beverly 978.998.4464 www.ibanezmusic.com

Harborlight Montessori Beverly 978.922.1008 www.harborlightmontessori.org

SCHOOLS

The Pike School Andover 978.475.1197 www.pikeschool.org

ENTERTAINMENT

Andover School of Montessori Andover 978.475.2299 www.andovermontessori.org

Green Infusion Environmental presentations for schools, fairs & events! www.green-infusion.com

Austin Preparatory School Reading 781.944.4900 www.austinprepschool.org

Marblehead Little Theatre presents Oliver! See ad on page 2!

Brookwood School Manchester 978.526.4500 www.brookwood.edu

FAMILY FUN

Cape Ann Waldorf School Beverly 978.927.1936 www.capeannwaldorf.org

Pumpkin Festival - Weekends in Oct. at Chris's Farm Stand, Haverhill See ad on page 3! FUN & FITNESS The Little Gym Danvers and Woburn www.tlgdanversma.com www.tlgwoburnma.com North Shore Yoga Studio Beverly 978.857.9063 www.northshoreyogastudio.com Roller World Skating Center Saugus 781.231.1111 www.roller-world.com

Clark School Danvers 978.777.4699 www.clarkschool.com Cohen Hillel Academy Marblehead 781.639.2880 www.cohenhillel.org Covenant Christian Academy West Peabody 978.535.7100 www.covenantchristianacademy.org Glen Urquhart School Beverly Farms 978.927.1064 www.gus.org

To advertise, contact Suzanne today! suzanne@northshorefamilies.com November issue ad space reservation deadline is October 14!

The Phoenix School Salem 978.741.0870 www.phoenixschool.org Plumfield Academy Danvers 978.304.0273 www.plumfieldacademy.org Shore Country Day School Beverly 978.927.1700 www.shoreschool.org Sparhawk School Amesbury 978.388.5354 www.sparhawkschool.com Stoneridge Children's Montessori School Beverly 978.927.0700 www.stoneridgecms.org Tower School Marblehead 781.631.5800 www.towerschool.org Waring School Beverly 978.927.8793 www.waringschool.org TUTORING A+ Reading Center Reading Tutor/Individual Lessons

Serving the North Shore 781.799.2598 mperkins@aplusreadingcenter.com

Fall Open House Date Sunday, October 16, 2011 11:00am to 3:00pm

Fall Entrance Exam Dates Saturday, November 12, 2011 8:30am Saturday, December 10, 2011 8:30am

Registration Deadlines: November Exam â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Thursday, November 10, 2011 December Exam â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Thursday, December 8, 2011 Registration Online!

Application Deadline: Applications should be Postmarked no later than Friday, December 16, 2011.