North Shore
Children IN THIS ISSUE It's Back! Our 6th Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase! See pages 11-17!
Parenting: How to Parent with Attitude Fight these Common Fears
Adolescent Social Development:
& Families FREE!
The online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them.
What Are Your Kids Doing This Summer? See pages 11-17 for great summer options for North Shore kids!
"Fitting In" During the Teen Years How Marginalization Affects Teens Finding a Place for Teens Who"Don't Fit In"
Community Calendar Education Feature: Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School
Enter to Win! See page 3!
www.northshorefamilies.com
MARCH 2013
2 North Shore Children & Families
Letter from the Editor
How to Parent with Attitude by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD David Elkind, the famous developmental psychologist, once wrote that “parenting is an attitude”. I recall that when I read this statement, many years ago, I didn’t quite understand it. I had a glimmer of what he meant, but I kept thinking: What type of attitude? And it can’t just be an attitude, right? After all, a parent actually has to do something to raise children. I think I understand now what Elkind meant. There is, as you know, a lot of advice out there from a variety of “experts” about how to parent children. Some advocate using rewards and stickers; others speak of the importance of reasoning with children. Still others talk about how to talk so that kids will listen. And the advice goes on. I think that what Elkind was saying is that, at rock bottom, if a parent has a clear sense of his or her role, the parenting “techniques” will come as a matter of course. Or at the very least, having a clear sense of the role of a parent can help a parent separate helpful advice from not-so-helpful advice. To have a “parenting attitude” is to have a set of values that defines who you are in relation to your child. Having the right attitude is a parent’s home base – it’s what the parent can return to when everyday and not-so-everyday issues arise between parents and children.
I am your parent. I’m not your friend, your playmate, your maid or your chauffeur. I’m not your equal. I am responsible for your safety and development. I am here to teach you how to be successful in the world. Why is this? Well, for one thing, I brought you into the world, or I chose to bring you into my world. For another, I love you and don’t want anything bad to happen to you. But, most important, it’s because I know more than you do. I know things that you need to know in order to be successful in the world. And yes, I have a better understanding of what’s good for you than you do. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m all knowing and that I am not going to make mistakes. I am not all knowing. I’m going to make mistakes. But when I do, they will be honest mistakes, mistakes I’ve made because I did what I thought was right for you in the moment. So no, I’m not perfect. And over time, I’m going to learn a lot from you about how to parent you. Over time, as you learn to be more and more successful in the world, I’m going to turn over more and more responsibility to you for doing things yourself, and for doing things right. That’s what growing up means. However, know this: If you fail to do the right thing, you’re going to find me right there, showing you the way until you can get it right. So you see, even though it might not always seem to be so to you, I’m on your side. You are my son/daughter, and you’re stuck with me. You’re not going to get rid of me. I’m here to help you get what you want out of life, but to help you to do it in the right way. And if it turns out that you want the wrong things, I’m here to help you turn the wrong things into right things. Why? Because I am your parent. I’m not your friend, your playmate, your maid or your chauffeur…
The Attitude So, just what is this attitude that is so important to the process of parenting? It’s simply this:
Now let’s go parent with some attitude!
Letter from the Publisher by Suzanne Provencher, Publisher Hello again, dear readers, advertisers and prospective advertisers! You may notice that my regular column does not appear on the top of page 2 this month. We have so many camps and new advertisers joining us this month that we needed to use my space on page 2 for other editorial content this time. I hope to return to page 2 with my regular "Family & Friends" column next month! APRIL ADVERTISERS: If you would like to join us in our April issue with a regular display ad and/or camp showcase ad, please reserve your ad space and submit your ad materials by noon, Wed., March 13 - if you require our ad production assistance. All ads that we work on to create or revise must be started by noon, Wed., March 13 - and finalized by noon, Fri., March 15. If you will be submitting a completed ad that does NOT require our production assistance, simply secure your ad size by noon, Fri., March 15 - then share your new April ad by noon,Tues., March 19. We need an exact size, high resolution (300 dpi) PDF with color in the CMYK format and 100% black settings for optimal reproduction on newsprint.
You can see our regular display ad rates and sizes online at www.northshorefamilies.com. If you need our special camp showcase ad rates and sizes, please contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com. Our April issue features Part 2 of 4 in our 6th Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series! Check out Part 1 on pages 11-17 in this issue - the largest summer camps & programs showcases in print on the North Shore! If you have a camp or summer program, we hope you will join us in April so we can help you to boost your enrollments - and your summer! In most cases, one or two enrollments will cover the cost of your ad. Most of our camps return year after year because we deliver the exposure and results they need! We've got the North Shore covered! READER CONTEST: We have another amazing contest to share with our readers this month! Check out page 3 - and enter online for a chance to win tickets to Boston Ballet's The Sleeping Beauty - courtesy of this publication and in partnership with select sponsors. Thanks so much for sharing some time with us again this and every month! We truly hope you enjoy this issue. Until next time Suzanne
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Parenting
Want to Parent with Attitude? Fight these Common Fears! Many of us, as parents, harbor some unfounded fears. They tend to get in the way of becoming a parent with attitude. Nice Parent, Mean Parent Have you ever noticed how often parents speak – even in jest – of being “nice” or “mean” to their children? “My son wanted to go to a friend’s house before finishing his homework. I didn’t let him, and he missed the chance to see his friend. I’m such a mean parent!” “She knows she can get whatever she wants from her Dad. He’s the nice one. I’m the mean one.” Most of the time, we are not serious when we say these things. But, jokes tend to have an element of truth in them. We often feel as if we are being “mean” to our children when we deny them what they want. I was recently working with a parent who wanted her four year-old to say “thank you” to his grandmother for a Christmas gift. The child was simply unwilling to do so. He was being quite defiant. I suggested that the mother require that the child sit in the corner until he was ready to say “thank you” to his grandmother. The mother agreed to try this. As she did, her face had an unintentional look of deep empathic sadness. Her lips turned down into a sad
North Shore Children & Families
www.northshorefamilies.com P.O. Box 150 Nahant, MA 01908-0150 781.584.4569 A publication of North Shore Ink, LLC © 2013. All rights reserved. Reproduction in full or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited.
Suzanne M. Provencher Publisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner suzanne@northshorefamilies.com Michael F. Mascolo, PhD Editor/Co-Founder/Partner michael@northshorefamilies.com Designed by Group One Graphics Printed by Seacoast Media Group Please see our Calendar in this issue for our upcoming deadlines. Published and distributed monthly throughout the North Shore, 10x per year, and always online. All articles are written by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD unless otherwise credited. Information contained in NSC&F is provided for educational and entertainment purposes only. Individual readers are responsible for their use of any information provided. NSC&F is not liable or responsible for the effects of use of information contained in NSC&F. Established 2007.
inverted “U” with her lower lip protruded out in a kind of pout. Her eyebrows were turned down in sadness and her forehead wrinkled. Her expression was deeply empathic in the sense that she really seemed to anticipate that her child would suffer from this intervention. She seemed to be sharing her son’s suffering. She didn’t want to make her child suffer! It is hard not to believe that in this moment, the mother experienced herself as a “mean” parent. Thinking in terms of nice versus mean is a trap. It gives us only two choices! Either we are nice and we try to make our children feel good (even if doing so is not good for them), or we are mean – and thus bad – by doing something to make our children feel bad. The trick is to break out of thinking in terms of nice versus mean altogether! A better way to think about how to structure a child’s behavior might be, “What can I do to promote development in this situation?” Or “What will my child learn if I do Continued on page 4
Where to Find Us North Shore Children & Families is available at over 450 locations throughout the North Shore! Our free, monthly parenting publication is available at North Shore libraries, schools, pediatric doctor & dentist offices, hospitals, pre-schools, children & family support services, retailers that cater to parents, children & thriving families,YMCAs, children’s activity & instruction centers (dance, gymnastics, music, children’s gyms) and more!
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North Shore Children & Families
Parenting Want to Parent with Attitude? Continued from page 3
such-and-such? What will my child learn if I don’t?” I Want My Child to Like Me! We all want to be loved; we all want to be liked. It feels better to be liked than not to be liked. However, it is not our job as parents to be liked! If our job as parents is to prepare children for success in the world, then children are not going to like all of the decisions that we make for them. They might even feel that they do not like us at those times. However, if we based our decisions on whether or not children will like them – or whether our children will like us – we set ourselves up to make consistently poor decisions. The fact of the matter, of course, is that children love and value their parents even when they do not like our decisions. When parents act out of love, their children feel it, even when children don’t like what parents do, and even when parents make mistakes. Think of your own situation: Do you love your parents? Assuming that your parents were not abusive, the answer would probably be “yes, but…”, or “yes, even though…” or even “Yes, perhaps even because they made me do things that I didn’t want to do, but that were good for me.” Being Directive Squelches a Child’s Creativity, Initiative, Autonomy or Self-Esteem Over the past 50 years or so, our nation has witnessed the drift toward “childcentered” parenting. We continue to live with the remnants of this way of thinking about parenting. Child-centered parenting consists of the view that children are and should be active in their own development. Rather than viewing children as lumps of clay that are to be molded into shape by parents, children are seen as inherently inquisitive, curious, exploratory and capable of shaping their own development. From this view, a parent who gives too much direction is likely to stifle a child’s initiative, independence and autonomy. A related issue concerns the issue of self-esteem. The self-esteem movement has done a great deal of harm to our children. From the standpoint of many advocates of child-centered parenting, self-esteem is an important prerequisite for success in any given task. This line of thinking is commonly expressed in much children’s programming. The theme song of the otherwise wonderful Arthur (the Aardvark) includes the phrase “Believe in yourself…cuz that’s the place to start!” And we are all familiar with Barney the purple dinosaur’s desire to ensure that all children feel “special”, just the way they are. The idea that self-esteem is a pre-condition for learning and success gets it exactly backward. Self-esteem is not a pre-requisite for success; self-esteem is the outcome or result of success. Children are not harmed by “too much direction”; quite the opposite. Children are harmed by well-intentioned parents who provide too little direction. Parents who believe that a child’s creativity and self-esteem will suffer unless they “figure it out for themselves” fail to provide children with the direction and skills that they need to become successful. Parents who heap praise upon their children may or may not have children who have high self-esteem. However, unless that praise is earned, such children are not likely to be competent individuals. I Want My Child to See Me as an Equal Some parents want their children to see them as their equals. This line of thinking often comes from a deep respect for the autonomy of their children. Many parents who think this way tend to have strong beliefs about the nature of authority. They tend to be people who believe strongly in democracy, and Continued on page 6
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6 North Shore Children & Families Want to Parent with Attitude?
Adolescent Social Development
Continued from page 4
bring such principles into their parenting. From this point of view, children have their inherent rights – just like adults – and these rights must be respected. Such parents tend to encourage their children to state their wants and desires. Such parents tend to feel parent-child interactions should be egalitarian, and based on reasoning, discussion and negotiation. From this view, parents must have very good reasons to go against a child’s reasonable wishes. The problem with this approach to parenting is that the parent-child relationship is not an egalitarian one. Although it may go against many of our Democratic and egalitarian sensibilities, the parent-child relationship is an asymmetrical one. Parents not only have power and authority over their children, they should have power and authority over their children. Parental power and authority is justified by virtue of their responsibility for their children; their greater knowledge; and their duty to teach children to be successful in the world. It is the greater knowledge and responsibility of parents that make parental authority legitimate. It is only after children – as they develop – begin to achieve parity with their parents in many areas of knowledge and responsibility, that authority relations between parent and children can legitimately begin to change. Children are not their parents’ equals. Children lack the knowledge, skills and capabilities to enter into egalitarian relations with their parents. This is not to say that children should have no say in their interactions with parents. Children can and should have a say – but only in areas in which conscientious parents determine that children are capable of making responsible choices. Responsible parents allow children to make choices within limits that are legitimized by the parents’ greater knowledge and responsibilities to their children.
“Fitting In” During the Teen Years Teens want to “fit in”. When children become teens, the importance of social life amplifies. Social relationships often seem to be the most important thing in a teen’s life. It becomes embarrassing to be seen with parents. It is shameful to wear the wrong clothes; do the wrong things; or to be seen at the wrong places. Teens are aware of the existence of different social groups, and that each group is differently prized. They will inevitably aspire to be part of the prized groups. It is true that many adolescents talk a good deal about being individuals, of not going along with the crowd and of the evils of conformity. However, the mere fact that they do so shows the importance of conformity. Teens wouldn’t talk so much about the evils of conforming if conforming weren’t, well, such an issue! There is evidence that experiences of “fitting in” and “not fitting in” are not simply part of an adolescent phase of life, but instead are formative experiences. They literally have the potential to affect the course of one’s life.
Join us for a Parent-Child Playgroup Saturday mornings from 9:00-10:30 a.m. • 3 - 5 years
March 9, 16, 23, 30 April 6, 27 Harborlight campus, 243 Essex Street
OPEN HOUSES: March 13, 9-11 a.m. April 24, 9-11 a.m.
“Fitting In” is Important
North Shore Children & Families
In his recent book Fitting In, Standing Out, Robert Crosnoe (2011) describes the results of his work on the challenges that influence the quality of education among high school students. We ordinarily think that a quality education is primarily an issue of the formal aspects of an education – the quality of the curriculum, of teaching, of the resources available and used by teachers and students. We are learning, however, that good classroom teaching is not sufficient for educational achievement and future success. So called nonacademic processes play a central role in educational achievement. These include children’s attitudes toward hard work, perseverance and struggle, their social and emotional skills, the values and practices of their families, and so forth. To this list, Robert Crosnoe adds another: The extent to which teens feel as if they “fit in” to the culture of their school and community. In his research, Crosnoe asked students in a series of school districts to indentify whether or not they experienced feelings of “not fitting in” during the last year. He asked students whether or not they experienced five different types of feelings at school, namely whether they (a) felt rejected; (b) felt unwanted; (c) had difficulty with other students in school; (d) did not feel close to others in school, and (e) did not feel part of school life. As a group, on average, students reported a single feeling of “not fitting in” over the last year. But there were, of course, differences in the extent to which students felt marginalized at school. Some reported no feelings of “not fitting in”; others reported up to all five feelings of “not fitting in”.
And those feelings matter. The graph that appears above shows the relationship between feelings of “not fitting in” in high school and the likelihood that students would attend college after high school. As shown in the graph (all teenagers), the more feelings of “not fitting in” that students reported, the less likely they were to go to college after high school. Of course, this finding by itself does not tell us that feelings of “not fitting in” play a role in preventing students from going on to college. It may be the case that children who feel as though they “don’t fit in” are students who are poorer, come from less well educated homes, have poor social skills or are less socio-emotionally adjusted than those who feel that they do “fit in”. If this were the case, it would mean that feelings of “not fitting in” themselves are not Continued on page 8
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Fitting In Continued from page 7
important in decreasing the likelihood that students would go to college. Instead, it would mean that high school students who felt as if they did not “fit in” were simply those who were less able to get into college in the first place. But this is not the case. The yellow bars on the graph on the preceding page show the relation between feelings of “not fitting in” and college attendance among students who were matched for level of academic achievement and level of socio-emotional adjustment. When the researchers controlled these (and related) factors, they still found a strong relationship between feelings of “not fitting in” and lower levels of college attendance.
Feeling marginalized in school affects the likelihood that students will go on to college. The second graph above makes this point even more strongly. This graph shows how feelings of “not fitting in” among teens who report same-sex versus opposite-sex attractions predict rates of college attendance after high school. As shown in the graph directly above this paragraph, students who reported an attraction to the opposite sex were more likely to report feelings of “not fitting in” than students who reported with same-sex attractions. This means that, as a group, students attracted to members of the same sex felt more marginalized at school than those who experienced opposite-sex attractions. Increased feelings of marginalization among students with samesex attractions were associated with lower levels of college attendance. Marginalization matters.
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Education Feature
Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School A center for excellence in Montessori education This is not your ordinary school.
Creativity
We’re a vibrant learning community that values motivation, independence, self-confidence and creativity.
Children are encouraged to explore and ask questions. They’re offered endless opportunities to solve problems and think critically. We give them room to demonstrate their ingenuity, focus and artistic expression. We’re not an ordinary school. We help grow extraordinary children. We invite you to visit, observe a classroom and ask questions. Find out what a Montessori education is all about.
Admission Open Houses: Infant through Grade 8
9 – 11 a.m., March 13 & April 24 243 Essex Street, Beverly For more information about Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, please call Valerie Lausier-Collins, Director of Admissions, at 978.922.1008. Or visit our website, www.h-sms.org.
Motivation Learning happens through exploration and discovery, and through trial and error. We encourage children to pursue their interests knowing that this is the fuel that motivates them to want to learn more.
Independence All children learn in different ways and develop at different rates. Our curriculum allows children to work independently and in small groups, and to progress at their own pace in a non-competitive environment.
Self-Confidence Self-confidence emerges when a child explores and stretches in a creative and supportive learning environment. In our classrooms, children develop a sense of community and an awareness of others’ needs.
Parent-Child Playgroups: Ages 2 ½ to 6 • Saturdays: 9 – 10:30 a.m.
March 9, 16, 23, 30 and April 6, 27 No appointment is necessary. • 243 Essex Street, Beverly The information contained in this education feature was submitted by Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, and published in partnership with North Shore Children & Families; www.northshorefamilies.com.
10 North Shore Children & Families
Adolescent Social Development
How Marginalization Affects Teens Marginalization hurts teens; it could hurt them for a long time to come. How does this happen? To understand how social marginalization affects teens, it is important to understand something about the causes of human behavior. Despite what you might hear from the media, human behavior is never something that is “caused” by one thing. We often hear that scientists have discovered a new gene that determines this or that behavior (a gross simplification – genes do not determine behaviors), that some particular social force is responsible for behavior (that video games are damaging to children; violence on TV is the source of aggression) and so forth. Even if there is a grain of truth
in such statements, the problem is that human behavior is complex. No single factor or force can ever be the “cause” of any particular pattern of human behavior. Human behavior is complex; it has multiple causes. A influences B, which then influences C. But then C turns around and influences B. Together B and C influence D. And then, well, it starts to get complicated! The effects of social marginalization are similar. Being in a marginalized group does not cause anything by itself. Other things have to happen. The diagram on the right shows how social marginalization can affect teen development. Let’s begin in the middle of the first circle. Let’s imagine that a teen is a
member of a socially marginalized group. The teen may be a member of a minority group; she may identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. A teen may be obese, socially or
physically awkward or academically challenged. He or she may have attention problems. The potential list is a long one. Continued on page 18
We are an inter-denominational evangelical school committed to partnering with parents who desire a challenging foundation for their children. At NSCS we hold steadfast in our commitment to provide a strong curriculum that is robust and challenging. Our skilled faculty encourages the optimal growth of each child. In every discipline and in every classroom, a balance is achieved between skill and understanding, training and discovery, habit and imagination, standard technique and creative invention.
DISCOVER NSCS TODAY!
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Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
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North Shore Children & Families
Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
Sports and Enrichment Camps FULL- AND HALF-DAY CAMPS Featuring Boston Red Sox Baseball Summer Camp – One week only!
10% discount on Summer Shore Sports and Enrichment Camps if paid in full by April 1st!
BOSTON RED SOX BASEBALL SUMMER CAMPS BOSTON SOCCER ACADEMY GIRLS’ FIELD HOCKEY BOYS’ LACROSSE PHOTOGRAPHY GIRLS’ LACROSSE THE LUNCH BUNCH For more information and to register, visit us online at www.ShoreSchool.org/SummerShore
SHORE COUNTRY DAY SCHOOL 545 Cabot Street (978) 927-1700 www.shoreschool.org
North Shore Children & Families
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Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
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North Shore Children & Families
Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
North Shore Children & Families
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Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
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North Shore Children & Families
Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
SWING & SWIM® BROOKS SCHOOL NORTH ANDOVER, MA
Salem
S TAT E U N I V E R S I T Y
August 5-9, 2013 Session 9:00am-12:00pm August 12-16, 2013 Session 9:00am-12:00pm
Ages 4-13 – Four Two-Week Sessions Red Cross Swim Lessons, Outdoor Adventures, Crafts
HIGH SCHOOL TENNIS WEEK
Grades 7-10 – Eight One-Week Sessions Adventure, Performing and Creative Arts, Field Trips
Ask about our Lexington camps, too!
CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION Grades 3-8 – Six One-Week Sessions Movie Making, Game Design, Robotics, Swimming
Adventure Camp A day camp for 11-15 year olds to build character, confidence and teamwork through fun, adventure activities. Canoeing, Kayaking, Ropes Course, Rock Gym and Mountain Biking
BOSTON SOCCER ACADEMY 2013 • All of our camps are COED with a goalkeeper program. • The day camps have programs for grades 1-10. Please visit our website to see our full list of 2013 day & overnight camps.
Adirondack Leadership Program Wilderness expeditions for 15-18 yr olds. Grow in leadership and character on a 12 day backpacking or canoeing trek in the beautiful Adirondack mountains.
2013 NORTH SHORE LOCATIONS:
Rock Gym Available for birthday parties, group rental and open climbing throughout the year.
Adventure Pursuits Bring your school or church group for team building, snowshoeing, kayaking, canoeing or
backpacking.
www.gordon.edu/lavida
Tel: 978-725-6253 – daycamp@brooksschool.org http://summer.brooksschool.org
APRIL 16-19 JULY 1-5 JULY 8-12 JULY 15-19 JULY 22-26 JULY 29 - AUG. 2 AUG. 5-9 AUG. 19-23
Fairhaven Park, HAMILTON & Phillips Park, SWAMPSCOTT (no camp 7/4) Greater Lawrence Tech, ANDOVER & Phillips Park, SWAMPSCOTT Tufts University, MEDFORD & Pingree School, SO. HAMILTON Tufts University, MEDFORD Shore Country Day School, BEVERLY Lexington Christian Academy, LEXINGTON Shore Country Day School, BEVERLY Tower School, MARBLEHEAD
Online registration: www.bostonsocceracademy.com Questions: admin@bostonsocceracademy.com • 617.797.6619
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Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series Part 1 of 4
Series continues in our April, May & Summer issues.
North Shore Shore Children Children & & Families Families presents presents the the 6th 6th Annual Annual North
Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series – 2013! CALLING ALL CAMPS & SUMMER PROGRAMS! DEADLINE FOR APRIL SHOWCASE ADS: Secure your ad space by noon, Wednesday, March 13. If you require ad production assistance, your ad materials are also due by this deadline. All showcase ads are due or must be done by noon, Friday, March 15.
Secure your summer! ✔ Boost your summer enrollments & reach parents throughout the North Shore! ✔ Over 50,000 local readers - moms & dads with children of all ages & interests! ✔ Showcases run on bannered pages! ✔ Appears in print & online!
The largest camp showcases in print on the North Shore! Series s Special Showcase ad sizes and pricing are offered for e continupril, this series. To learn more or to secure your space, A in our ummer please contact Suzanne: S May & ues! suzanne@northshorefamilies.com or 781.584.4569. iss
18 North Shore Children & Families How Marginalization Affects Teens Continued from page 10
Depending on how other children and adults treat him or her, the child may come to experience feelings of “not fitting in”. Members of any given marginalized group have difficulty adapting to the dominant culture or to dominant values. A Latino boy or girl may find it difficult to feel accepted by
boys and girls who do not understand Latino values and ways of being in the world. A gay or lesbian teen may feel alone and isolated in a social world in which value is placed on opposite-sex relationships. An obese child may find it difficult to make friends; an uncoordinated child knows that he is
not going to be able to make the team. Feeling marginalized is a painful and difficult process. Feeling rejected and marginalized brings about special challenges: Why do they reject me? Am I a bad person? What should I do? Should I accept their evaluation of me? Or should I try to get them to like me? But I don’t know what to say or how to act around them! How do I learn? And even if I do, won’t they find me strange anyway? The plight of the marginalized teen is a tough one. It is not surprising that many will develop non-constructive ways to cope with feelings of “not fitting in”. These include disengaging from school; identifying oneself with teens who are themselves members of marginalized groups; skipping school; developing anti-school values. Such children may then begin to take their studies less seriously, believe that they are incapable of performing quality school work or even believe that being a “good student” is counter to who they are as a member of a marginalized group.
The ultimate results of all of this is that students become ill prepared to pursue college, or otherwise opt out of college because they have developed anti-school values. In those circumstances in which members of marginalized groups do go to college, the familiar cycle of marginalization may continue. This is perhaps one reason why so many members of minority groups find it difficult to complete their degrees once they gain admission to college. Social marginalization is a complex process. If that is true, then fixing the problems of social marginalization will also be a complex process. It will involve changes in the system of causes that bring about social marginalization and its effects. There is some good news, however. If being a member of a marginalized group is not the (only) “cause” of the problem of “not fitting in”, then there are things that can be done to help teens who are members of marginalized groups find a place in their schools and their communities. Let’s examine what some of these might be.
SCHEDULE YOUR TOUR TODAY!
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Adolescent Social Development
Finding a Place for Teens who “Don’t Fit In” There is a bit of a problem with the very ideas of “fitting in” and “not fitting in”. The phrase “I don’t fit in” tends to fix the conditions of the problem. When we say, “that square peg doesn’t fit into that round hole”, we are assuming a set of “fixed” conditions: We have a square peg, a round hole and the need to fit one into the other. Under those circumstances, our choices are limited. We can change the peg to fit the hole; or change the hole to fit the peg. The question of fitting square pegs into round holes is a difficult one. If we change the square peg to fit the round hole, then the peg must cease to be what it once was. If we change the round hole to allow the square peg to fit in, the hole ceases to be round. When we stop talking about pegs and start talking about people, the situation becomes very difficult. If a person “doesn’t fit in”, do we find ways to change the person to fit social circumstances? Do we try to change the social circumstances to fit the person? Do we do both? Neither? These questions are not neutral ones; they are shot through with values and contentious moral issues. Let’s take the example of an obese child. The other children make fun of him.
VERITAS UNITAS CARITAS For young men & women grades 6 - 12, who seek a challenging, yet supportive learning environment, in a Catholic, faith based setting.
He has trouble finding kids to sit with in the cafeteria. When he works with a group in class, he does not feel listened to. He doesn’t have friends. What do we do? Should we try to help the child lose weight? If we do, the child will most likely be more healthy and he may find that he gains more acceptance in school. But wait! If we do this, are we “giving in” to a social bias against obese people? Are we saying that, at least in some ways, it is bad to be obese? For example, do we not hold someone more responsible when his obesity is caused by overeating than when it is caused by biological factors beyond the person’s control? Which do we change? The child? Social norms? Both? Neither? Each such issue must be considered on a case-by-case basis. Few would argue, for example, that one should encourage a gay teen to change his sexual orientation to suit the majority. In fact, at least in Massachusetts, “coming out” now as a gay teen is not nearly as difficult or painful as it was in times past, or as it continues to be in many other places. In this way, society is changing in ways that enable gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender individuals to “fit in”. However, even here, the “fit” is not perfect. No amount of societal change will change the fact that for a sexual minority, the majority culture will simply seem foreign. In this situation, it is necessary to help gay teens develop effective coping strategies that will help them to adapt to the inevitable difficulties that they will face. Continued on page 20
20 North Shore Children & Families Finding a Place… Continued from page 19
Not Just “Fitting In”: Forging a Self for a Turbulent World Difficulties in “fitting in” reflect difficulties in adapting to one’s social world. The first step to solving the problem of “fitting in” is to see that simply “fitting in” is not the solution. No one ever fully “fits in”. A person who tries to solve the problem of “not fitting in” by trying to change the self to fit the context is likely to live a frustrating and unhappy life. Conversely, the person who works to change the marginalizing situation may find that she is engaged in a worthy task. However, societal changes take time. Until that time comes, there is a need for something different. If trying to “fit in” is not the solution to “not fitting in”, then what is? The answer is to develop adaptive strategies for dealing with a world that can often be unwelcoming, turbulent or otherwise unpredictable. This involves helping at-risk teens forge an identity – a clear sense of “who I am” in relation to a difficult world. In so doing, it also involves helping teens find or create a place in the world where they can feel welcomed, accepted and nurtured. Helping At-Risk Teens Develop Strategies to Deal with Marginalization and its Effects Social marginalization is a painful process. The rare teen can find ways to understand and find ways to cope with marginalizing experiences. The first step to helping an at-risk teen is to understand that such a teen needs guidance from a strong and caring adult. Such an adult might be a parent, coach, relative, friend or teacher. Such an adult can offer at least two forms of guidance. First, he or she can help the at-risk teen articulate and understand his or her experiences of feeling marginalized. An adult can help a teen identify
the biases and assumptions that others make about the child. Second, the adult can help the child – through discussion, modeling, role playing, etc. – to develop strategies for coping with the behaviors of others; understanding and regulating strong emotion; resisting peer pressure; and so forth. Third, the adult can seek out and find resources to help the teen sustain a level of positive engagement in school. This might include supervising homework or providing tutoring; seeking out extracurricular experiences and identifying peers who can play a constructive role in the child’s life. Helping At-Risk Teens Develop a Strong Identity For the teen who feels marginalized, the question “Who am I?” is a constant one. If I feel that my school, peers or community does not accept me, then who am I? The strongest defense to social marginalization is the active articulation of an answer to the question, “Who am I?” This can only be done with supportive, caring adults who can help the teen identify with a set of positive goals, values, activities and beliefs. A teen who is armed with a clear and positive sense of “who I am in relation to you” can turn to that identity during times of stress that arise from marginalizing experiences. A sense of self is not something that develops naturally – it is something that develops over long periods of time in interactions with people who help arm teens with strategies to become successful in their worlds. Helping At-Risk Teens Find a Nurturing Place in the World The world is a difficult place. Although we can and must work to change it, the world will never change to our needs. However, we can help teens find places where they can feel accepted, strong, valued and challenged to become their best selves. These places can be found everywhere – in interactions with particular teachers or in a special classroom; through close friendships or relations with family; in school clubs, sports or out-of-school experiences; in church; in the workplace, or simply within the family itself. A teen who is at-risk needs to be able to identify herself with something positive beyond herself. These are the places where atrisk teens can build strong relationships, coping skills and character.
Community Calendar To Submit to our Community Calendar: Please visit us at www.northshorefamilies.com and submit your listings directly through our website. From our Home Page – click on Calendar – then click on Submit in the upper right corner and our form will open for you to complete and submit your listings. While we will make every attempt to post all appropriate listings in our Community Calendar, space is limited – and priority will be given to those events that are free and family-friendly – and those submitted by our advertising partners & sponsors. Calendar listings are generally due by the 15th of each month prior and must be submitted through our website. If you need to guarantee that your listing will be posted – please contact Suzanne to advertise. See our current Calendar for our upcoming issue deadlines. To advertise, please contact Suzanne at suzanne@northshorefamilies.com or 781.584.4569.
For complete listing accuracy, we recommend that you call ahead or check the websites listed. Featured listings do not constitute an endorsement from this publisher and we encourage our readers to always do their own research.
GRAND OPENING IN MARCH:
MARCH is the month for: Music in Our Schools, Irish American Heritage, Crafts, Nutrition, Peanuts, Women’s History, Red Cross, Social Workers
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ATTENTION SUMMER CAMPS & PROGRAMS: Secure your ad space in the largest summer camps & programs showcase series in print on the North Shore! See pages 11 – 17 in this issue; reserve your ad space by noon, Wed., March 13, to appear in our April Showcase! Contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com for special showcase rates, sizes & to secure your camp showcase ad space! UNIQUE GIFT IDEA/WORDS FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS: Personalized Poems & Prose by Suzanne – the perfect words to enhance any special occasion. Personalized poems as gifts (holidays, birthdays, weddings, retirements, showers, etc.); clever verses for invitations, speeches, toasts, roasts and poignant eulogies. See ad on page 23! SCHEDULE A TOUR: Contact the independent schools in this issue to arrange for a tour! Many provide transportation and financial aid options. It’s never too early to explore your options!
Walpole Outdoors is opening this month at Jordan’s Furniture in Reading! Swing by to try out their outdoor playsets; see ad on page 7 to learn more and save! www.walpolewoodworkers.com
MA Medical Society Physicians Target Youth Violence; free brochures on violence prevention & intervention are available for free at www.massmed.org/violence. The series includes 10 titles, featuring the prevention and intervention of sexual abuse, violence in the home, bullying, street violence, dating violence, gun injury, media violence, negative behavior and tips for parents. SIGN UP TODAY: It’s time to start making plans for your kids this summer (and take advantage of early registration discounts)! Check out our 6th Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase, Part 1 of 4, that starts on page 11 in this issue! To advertise your camp or summer program in our April showcase, Part 2 of 4, see page 17 and contact Suzanne by noon, March 13th! Free parent workshop by Dr. Steven Bromberg: Alternative Approach for Children Struggling with Social, Attention, Academic & Behavioral Issues. On March 26 at 7pm at Brain Balance Achievement Center, Danvers. RSVP today; see ad on page 19! Fall 2013 enrollment is now underway for Gordon College Children’s Choir, Wenham.
North Shore Children & Families See ad on page 8 and visit www.gordon.edu/childrenschoir for more information. Weekly Kid-Fit Exercise Classes at Beverly Children’s Learning Center! See ad on page 21; www.bclckids.org. Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, 243 Essex St., Beverly; 9-10:30am on March 9, 16, 23, 30; April 6, 27; preschool group for children 3-5 yrs. w/caregiver. Free and open to all, but space is limited; RSVP to 978.922.1008. Parent & Child Program for parents/caregivers with children ages 10 months – 3.5 years; at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Moraine Farm, Rte. 97, Beverly. “Morning Glory” & “Bachelor’s Button” classes feature a community of parents and children enjoying play, bread making, circle games, snack and conversation. Space is limited; call 978.927.1936 to register.
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SoccerTots at Danvers Indoor Sports, a fun & engaging physical development program using games & activities based around soccer. For girls & boys 18 months to 6 years; see ad on page 20. Baby Lounge – The place for new babies, moms & caregivers to meet & move! Meets Thursdays at Cohen Hillel Academy, Marblehead, 10-11:30am, on April 4, 11, 18, 25, May 2 & 9; free and open to all Jewish & interfaith families; for caregivers w/infants 0-6 mos. RSVP by March 22 to Barbara Tanger at 781.639.2880. See ad on page 20. WINTER STORYTIMES (Toddlers, Pre-K): Join Amesbury Public Library (Children’s Room) for songs, activities, crafts & stories – through April 11th. Select your child’s age appropriate time (must attend w/caregiver): 2 year olds join us Tuesdays at 10:30am; 3-5 year olds Continued on page 22
Beverly Children’s Learning Center Early Education & Childcare Infants • Toddlers • Pre-School • Pre-K Using the nationally acclaimed Creative Curriculum. Weekly Kid-Fit Exercise Classes! Center-based & family day care Accredited by
• Affordable Open M-F, 7 am to 6 pm
Preparing children for success in kindergarten & beyond
600 Cummings Center, Beverly (978) 927-1269 www.bclckids.org
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North Shore Children & Families
Community Calendar Continued from page 21
join us Thursdays at 10:30am. Free program, no reg. required. www.amesburylibrary.org CREATIVE MOVEMENT (Pre-K): Free creative movement workshop for kids 3-5 years, with caregiver. Join Amesbury Public Library on March 13 & 27. Space is limited, reg. is required: 978.388.8148 ext. 4/children’s room. www.amesburylibrary.org GET TICKETS NOW: Boston Ballet presents The Sleeping Beauty, March 22April 7, at The Boston Opera House. See ad on the back cover; enter for a chance to win tickets – see page 3! Also All Kylian, March 7-17; Chroma, May 2-12; Coppelia, May 16-26. Tickets from $29; groups of 10+ can save up to 50%. www.bostonballet.org
Bill Hanney presents North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly; tickets & subscriptions on sale now for: Sound of Music (June 11-23), The Wizard of Oz (July 16-28); Cats (Aug. 20-Sept.1). 2013 shows for children include Rapunzel, Charlotte’s Web, Hansel and Gretel; see page 5 for full line-up. www.nsmt.org Big Apple Circus presents Legendarium, all new show! March 26 – May 12 at City Hall Plaza, Boston. www.bigapplecircus.org Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, NJ, at The Lynn Auditorium, Lynn; part of Salem State University’s Speaker Series. www.salemstateseriestickets.com Inspire, Inquire, Maintain Your Fire! The Legacy of Teaching Early Childhood Institute – Sat., March 9, at The Riverside School, Danvers. Presented by Play It Forward Giving Circle, a fund of the Essex County Community Foundation. www.playitforwardgc.org
North Shore Children & Families is available for free each month at over 450 familyfrequented locations throughout the North Shore!
Attention Advertisers: Ask us about our … … “Try Us!” program for new advertisers … Annual advertising frequency programs … The Annual Planner for Schools program … The North Shore Party Planner program … Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase series Target your message to North Shore parents. We’ve got the North Shore covered!
2013 PUBLISHING SCHEDULE Issue
Ad Space Deadline (Noon) Ads Due (Noon)
April Fri., Mar. 15 May Fri., April 19 Summer (June/July) Fri., May 17
Tues., Mar. 19 Tues., April 23 Tues., May 21
To explore your advertising options or to secure your space, please contact Suzanne at 781.584.4569 or suzanne@northshorefamilies.com. To learn more, please visit www.northshorefamilies.com.
Concerts from Rockport Music at Shalin Liu Performance Center, Rockport: March 3, Bill & Bo Winiker Sextet; March 8, Cherish the Ladies; March 9, Catie Curtis; March 15, East Coast Chamber Orchestra; www.rockportmusic.org Live Entertainment at Blue Ocean Music Hall, Salisbury Beach, MA: March 14, Rusted Root; March 22, Kansas; March 30, The Fools; May 24, Toots & the Maytals; July 27, The Stompers; August 23, Farrenheit. www.blueoceanhall.com The Community House of Hamilton & Wenham presents The Sound of Music, March 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10; www.communityhouse.org HELPING LOCAL CHILDREN: The MA Coalition for the Homeless needs help for their “A Bed for Every Child” program. Help provide a mattress, box spring & linens to MA children who do not have a bed of their own. To see how you, your group/team/troop/class can help and to donate or for more info., please visit www.mahomeless.org/programs or contact Alycia Dell’Orfano at 781.595.7570 ext. 23. MARCH 1: Employee Appreciation Day MARCH 8: International Working Women’s Day MARCH 9: Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, 243 Essex St., Beverly; 9-10:30am on March 9, 16, 23, 30; April 6, 27; preschool group for 3-5 yrs. Free and open to all, but space is limited; RSVP to 978.922.1008. MARCH 10: Daylight Savings Begins at 2am – Spring Your Clocks Ahead 1 Hour! MARCH 13: AD DEADLINE: If you need to advertise in our APRIL issue (for regular display ads & camp/summer program showcase ads), and if you need our ad production assistance,
please confirm your ad size and submit your ad materials by NOON TODAY! You can see our display ad rates, sizes, available discounts & more at www.northshorefamilies.com or contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com. Do you have a summer camp or program? Do you need more enrollments this year? See pages 11-17 for part 1 of 4 in our 6th Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase Series – the largest in print (also appears online) on the North Shore! Series continues in our April issue – reserve your ad space and reach more North Shore parents with children of all ages, interests and needs today! April showcase ad space must be reserved by noon, today. Contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com for camp showcase ad rates, sizes, available discounts & to secure your space and your summer! Open House at HarborlightStoneridge Montessori School, Beverly; 9-11am. www.h-sms.org Admissions Open House, drop in 9-11am, at Covenant Christian Academy, West Peabody. www.covenantchristianacademy.org Exercise Tips for Moms! At 7pm, 255 Grapevine Rd., Wenham; free for moms w/pre-walking babies who want to regain abdominal & pelvic floor strength after pregnancy & delivery. Suitable for moms cleared for exercise after their 6-8 week follow up; moms w/older children welcome, too. www.harmelingpt.com MARCH 15 (NOON): AD DEADLINE: FINAL Advertising Space Reservation DEADLINE at NOON for ALL COMPLETED ADS (that do NOT require ad production assistance) in our APRIL issue! To advertise, contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com! If you need our ad production assistance, please confirm your ad size and submit your ad materials by noon, Wed., March 13! You can see our regular display ad rates, sizes, available discounts & more at www.northshorefamilies.com.
MARCH 16: Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, 243 Essex St., Beverly; 9-10:30am on March 9, 16, 23, 30; April 6, 27; preschool group for 3-5 yrs. Free and open to all, but space is limited; RSVP to 978.922.1008. Celtic Woman, 3pm & 8pm, at Boston’s City Performing Arts Center Wang Theatre; www.citicenter.org. MARCH 17: Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Happy Birthday, Sharon! MARCH 19 (NOON): Community Calendar listings’ DEADLINE at NOON for our APRIL issue! Please submit your listings for APRIL events directly through our website (see beg. of this Calendar for details). MARCH 20: DEADLINE to Enter for a Chance to Win tickets to Boston Ballet’s – The Sleeping Beauty!
See how to enter on page 3; to buy tickets, see the back cover! Spring Equinox; 1st Day of Spring! International Earth Day MARCH 22: Boston Ballet presents The Sleeping Beauty; opens March 22 through April 7 at The Boston Opera House. www.bostonballet.org Deadline to register for Baby Lounge – The place for new babies, moms & caregivers to meet & move! Meets Thursdays at Cohen Hillel Academy, Marblehead, 10-11:30am, on April 4, 11, 18, 25, May 2 & 9; free for caregivers w/infants 0-6 mos. RSVP by March 22 to Barbara Tanger at 781.639.2880. See ad on page 20. MARCH 23: Purim begins at sundown. Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, 243 Essex St., Beverly; 9-10:30am on March 9, 16, 23,
North Shore Children & Families 30; April 6, 27; preschool group for 35 yrs. Free and open to all, but space is limited; RSVP to 978.922.1008.
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Beverly; 9-10:30am on March 9, 16, 23, 30; April 6, 27; preschool group for 35 yrs. Free and open to all, but space is limited; RSVP to 978.922.1008.
MARCH 24: Palm Sunday MARCH 25: Feast of the Annunciation Passover begins at sundown.
MARCH 31: Easter Sunday APRIL 6:
MARCH 26: Free parent workshop by Dr. Steven Bromberg: Alternative Approach for Children Struggling with Social, Attention, Academic & Behavioral Issues. 7pm at Brain Balance Achievement Center, Danvers. RSVP; see ad on page 19! MARCH 29: Good Friday Mom & Pop Business Owners’ Day MARCH 30: Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight-Stoneridge Montessori School, 243 Essex St.,
Spring Sale of Gently Used Children’s Items, 9:30am; $1 admission, under 14 years free. Sponsored by MA Mothers of Twins, Founding Chapter. At Winchester High School, 80 Skillings Road; cash & carry only. www.mmota-founding.org APRIL 11: Open House at Tower School, Marblehead; 9-11am. www.towerschool.org APRIL 24: Open House at HarborlightStoneridge Montessori School, Beverly; 9-11am. www.h-sms.org
Wish you could give the person who has everything something they don't have?
Personalized Poems & Prose by Suzanne The perfect gift to enhance any special occasion. Clever verses for your invitations and thank you notes. Speeches, toasts and roasts. Birthdays • Graduations • Showers Weddings • Anniversaries • Births • Retirements • Holidays All Special Occasions
Life Celebrations specializing in poignant, personalized eulogies – available in prose and in verse. Celebrate your loved one's life and share their story. Your guests will leave with smiles, fond memories and lots to talk about.
781.584.4569
or suzanne@northshorefamilies.com Samples available.