North Shore Children & Families November 2011

North Shore

Children IN THIS ISSUE

& Families FREE!

The online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them.

Part III

Managing Behavior Solving Discipline Problems Tools for Effective Communication

~ Empathic Listening ~ Asserting Interests Fostering Social Development

Adult Development Community Calendar MORE Open Houses!

MORE Contests!

Education Feature: The Phoenix School

www.northshorefamilies.com NOVEMBER 2011

2 North Shore Children & Families

Family & Friends

Giving Thanks ~ More Open Houses!

New Contests! ~ New Sponsors (with Special Offers!)

by Suzanne Provencher, Publisher Hello again, dear readers! I’ll keep things short and sweet this month by first sharing my gratitude at this time of year as we give thanks. So thank you to all of our sponsors and readers! I am so thankful that you are part of our North Shore family.

I also want to point out the fabulous contests we have this month! See the contest ad on page 21, where you can enter online to win tickets to Boston Ballet’s The Nutcracker (last chance to see this version!), Peter Pan (on Boston City Hall Plaza where the characters FLY!) or $50 towards a dance or fitness program at Bay State Dance! The deadline to enter is November 30 whether you enter one contest or all three, but please – only one entry per person per contest.

To buy tickets to either performance, please see their ads in this issue.

We also have some new sponsors this month who want to help you and your family. On page 2, we welcome back The Children’s Center for Communications at Beverly School for the Deaf.

Not only do they help the deaf – they also welcome hearing students who have special needs, autism spectrum disorders, developmental delays and more. Contact them to visit their campus and to learn more about how they can help you and your family.

And on page 3 – Marlene’s Green Carpet Cleaning has a special offer to help prepare your home for the holidays: 1 room free with every 3 rooms cleaned! Marlene is an experienced professional, she is green and wool certified

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Also on page 3 – we welcome Mathnasium,The Math Learning Center.

They offer individualized instruction for grades 1-12, including SAT/ACT preparation and homework help. Contact Jim for a no cost evaluation – and you can also save $50 with their ad!

We also welcome Dorothy Kiley, M.Ed., a trained Special Education Teacher and Advocate. If you are confused by special education laws and how they affect your child – and if you need

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help securing an IEP (Independent Education Plan) – Dorothy can help you navigate this often difficult process. And with her ad on page 6, you can save $10/hour; most clients require one hour of preparation and one hour at the IEP meeting.

If you are considering one of the independent schools in the area for your children – check out all of the Open Houses in this issue! Many offer tours, visits with students and faculty, fun activities for children and more.

And in our Calendar this month, we feature lots of fun and informative things for North Shore families – along with several upcoming fundraisers that benefit really good causes. When the opportunity arises to have fun while helping others – grab it! When we give of ourselves – whether we are able to give time or money or share our expertise – we often get the greatest gift of all when we help others in need.

Our next issue is our Winter issue, and it covers 2 months – December AND January. Our regular distribution begins December 1st – and we will go back out to restock some of our busiest distribution locations in early January. If you are an advertiser who needs to promote something in December and/or January, please contact me by November 18 (noon) to secure your advertising space in our 2-month Winter issue, which has a bonus printing to cover both months for our regular rates!

We do not have a separate January issue, so plan ahead if you have something to promote and share with our readers in December and/or January!

We will resume our regular monthly publishing schedule with our February issue.

And for new advertisers, check out the special offers we have for you on page 4! If you need to effectively and efficiently reach North Shore parents with children of all ages and interests and needs – I hope you will “Try Us!” – and save! I welcome the opportunity to work with and for you and your business.

Thanks so much for engaging with us again – I hope you enjoy this and every issue – and Happy Thanksgiving to you and your North Shore family!

Until next time ~

487 Locust Street Danvers, MA 978-777-4699

Suzanne

North Shore Children & Families

3

Letter from the Editor

Playing the Game of School I’m teaching a class of first year college students. And I must tell you, I’m frustrated.

This particular class is a seminar for a group of students who have skill deficits in one or more areas. The students came to college with high school transcripts that have more than their fair share of C’s and D’s. My task is to help to fill the skill gaps in these students. I’ve been teaching for some time now and I can tell you with confidence that the students in my class are not fundamentally different from the typical students that I have been teaching for years. They differ in degree, perhaps, but not in kind.

Did I mention that I am frustrated? There are many reasons why I am frustrated. Each student has, of course, a slightly different profile. It is quite a challenge to juggle the different strengths and weaknesses of the different students. But this is a typical problem that one has in virtually any class.

There are significant skill gaps in reading and writing. I’ve developed ways to help address these gaps. Teaching students to be reflective readers and writers is providing to be a difficult and even painful process. But even this isn’t the most frustrating thing.

The most frustrating thing? The mindset that many of my students bring with them into college. What type of mindset? Here are some of the more common features. Granted, none of these are particularly surprising.

• This is difficult; I shouldn’t have to work so hard at it.

• Why did I not prepare for class? I wasn’t here last class so I didn’t get the assignment.

• Why does he use these big words? Why can’t he write in plain English?

• Why is this stuff relevant? I’m never going to use it.

But here’s the thing that really got me: We are reading about the Greek philosopher, Socrates. It is Socrates who is credited with the well known maxim, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Now this is quite a bold claim – and a very important one if we take it seriously. What it means is that we humans can have a tendency to go through life without really thinking about what we are doing and why we are doing it.

For example, why am I going to school? Is it because my parents want me to do it? Is it to make money? Is it to get the credentials to get a good job? Is it to cultivate who I am as a person (I know…I ask too much)? Socrates is saying that the only way to a good life is to reflect on what lies behind our actions: Are we doing what we would regard as good? Why or why not?

I was coaching Nora through her first essay: “What does it mean to say that the unexamined life is not worth living?” I asked her to simply answer the question without trying to be fancy – just say what you think the answer is, and then write it down. We’ll make it pretty later. She was having trouble. She wrote a line. I asked her to elaborate. She wrote more.

“You are almost there now, but you still haven’t explained this part here.”

Continued on page 4

North Shore Children & Families

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Reproduction in full or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited.

Suzanne M. Provencher Publisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner suzanne@northshorefamilies.com

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4 North Shore Children & Families

Letter from the Editor Continued from page 3

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She writes another line.

“There! You’ve got it! Excellent!”

She breathes a sigh of relief.

“Now”, I said, “You’ve got the basic point here. Now go back and re-read what you have written. There are some parts of what you have said that are redundant with each other. If you take them out and make it more concise, you’ll really have a good paragraph here.”

Nora becomes a bit defensive. She looks at the paper, and without actually reading what she wrote said, “I think all of the sentences sound right. I think that they should all stay.”

I’m beginning to sense that she just wants this thing over with. Yes, indeed she is feeling frustrated. It’s been a long haul, and we are not nearly done yet.

“Well, yes – you’ve got the basic idea down, but if you look here and here, you’ll see that you’re saying the same thing twice.”

Nora begins to lose it.

“This is too hard! This is totally irrelevant! Why do we have to write about this? I mean, when am I ever going to use this? I’m going to be a Sports Medicine major! When am I ever going to use Socrates?”

The irony is just too much for me. One the one hand, Nora has just written a passage explaining what it means to say “The unexamined life is not worth living”. And then, through her innocent frustration screams, “When am I ever going to use Socrates?”

Youth is indeed wasted on the young.

In case you are wondering, yes, I did use this as a teaching moment. In front of the entire class, we had an increasingly heated discussion:

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“Wait a minute. You are saying that you are never going to use Socrates?

That Socrates is irrelevant?”

“How will I ever use Socrates as a Sports Medicine major?”

I begin to use the Socratic dialogue in an attempt to get Nora to reflect upon this very life-defining statement: “Why do you want to be a Sports Medicine major?”

“To help people”, she said.

Attempting to get to her reflect on her own reasons for going into Sports Medicine, I say, “Sounds good. But there are many ways to help people. Why Sports Medicine? Why try to help people in that field rather than in some other field?”

She didn’t quite see yet that what I was trying to do was to show her why Socrates was relevant to what was apparently most important in her life right at that very moment. I’m not sure that she saw this even as we ended the conversation. (She thought that I was simply asking questions about Sports Medicine.)

Nora doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. But more important, she doesn’t know that she doesn’t know. It will be my job to try to help Nora see why the seemingly irrelevant task of grasping Socrates’ question is so important to her life right now. And I have to find a way to do this without losing her.

Some might look at the conversation I’ve described above and say, “How can Nora say that to her professor? How can she be so disrespectful? I would have never said that to one of my professors”. But I don’t see it this way. In fact, I like Nora. I would be happy to have a class of Noras (…yes, it’s true).

That’s because Nora is willing to put it out there. She states what she is really thinking and feeling. And that is what will give me the opportunity to try to move her forward. Now that Nora has put her thinking on the table, we can really begin to work with it. And that’s how genuine development happens.

And so, I declare war. No – not on Nora. I declare war on a school culture

Brookwood

North Shore Children & Families

5

that has, up to this point, allowed Nora to get by simply by going through the motions. I declare war on school systems that teach students to play the game of school instead of actually helping students to rise to the challenge of a rigorous curriculum. I declare war on the practice of being content to pass students who have not yet acquired the basic skills and knowledge that they need for a successful life. I declare war on our collective failure to teach students until they master what we want them to learn.

As I declare war, I do so with the image of Nora on my side. My biggest fear is that she won’t see it this way.

DJ’s Excuse (A True Story) “Professor, I don’t have the draft of my paper ready. Sorry.”

“Why don’t you have your draft?”

“Well, I was up visiting my friend at the University, and he lost his keys.

I couldn’t get back home to do my paper. I didn’t have access to a computer.”

“Why didn’t you have access to a computer?”

“Well, I wasn’t home. I mean, I guess if I really wanted to, I could have found a comp-” “What? Wait a minute. What did you just say?”

“If I really wanted to…”

“Yes, if you really wanted to. So, what are you telling me?”

“That I really didn’t want to.”

“And if you did want to, what would have happened?”

“I guess I would have found a computer.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, DJ, let’s reverse roles. You be me and I’ll be you. What you did was essentially to come to me and say, ‘Professor, I’m sorry – I couldn’t write my paper. I was trapped in a University all weekend.’”

6 North Shore Children & Families

Making Guided Collaboration Work

Solving Discipline Problems through Effective Communication Our last issue (October 2011) was devoted to Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving. In that issue, we described how parents can manage family conflict by treating conflict as a kind of shared problem solving. In that issue, we described the basic principles of guiding children through collaborative problem solving with parents. This article is a follow-up to that issue. In this article, we describe some tools that will help parents and children communicate better when they are attempting to manage conflict between them.

Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving: A Brief Review.

Before we go on to describe some of these tools, here is a very brief review of the principles of Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving that we provided in the last issue. The most basic principle is this: Discipline problems, disagreements and misbehaviors can be all be understood as a form of conflict. Conflict arises whenever the desires, interests or concerns of parents are in opposition to those of children. A typical conflict: Sally wants to stay out late at night, but her parents want her to be home early. What Sally wants is in opposition to what her parents want. Resolving such conflicts can be seen as a form of shared problem solving, where the problem consists of how to meet both the child’s and the parent’s legitimate needs at the same time. The goal is to try to find “win-win” solutions that will resolve the conflict between a parent and child – without the parent “giving in”.

Given this principle, here are three steps to managing conflict between parents and children: 1. Calmness First. It is virtually impossible to solve problems when people are angry. When conflicts arise, the first course of action is to de-escalate.

If your child is upset, take steps to calm her down before discussion begins.

If you are upset, calm thyself!

2. Separate Interests from Positions. Once everyone is calm, it’s time to figure out what is causing the conflict. Usually, when there is conflict, a parent’s interests are in opposition to a child’s interests (or at least appear to be). The first step, then, is to clearly identify the child’s interests and the parent’s interests. To do this, it is important to separate a person’s interests from his or her positions. A person’s interest is what drives their behavior or position – the underlying goal or motive or reason why the person is acting how they are. It is the underlying goal that a person is

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trying to reach. A person’s position is his or her current means for obtaining their underlying goals. For example, Sally wants to stay out late (her position) because she wants to be more independent (her interest). Mom wants Sally to come home early (position) to keep Sally safe (interest).

3. Brainstorm Together about Ways to Meet the Legitimate Interests of Parents and Children at the Time. Having identified the real interests that underlie action, parents and children can then begin to generate suggestions about how to meet each other’s true interests. For example, if Sally really wants to be independent (Sally’s interest), there may be ways in which she can do this without being unsafe (Mom’s interest). If Mom’s interest is really to keep Sally safe, there may be ways of making this happen without thwarting Sally’s desire for independence. One example: Sally can stay out late with her friends, but only if she stays at her friend’s house with her parents at home.

Tools for Effective Communication I: Empathic Listening In any attempt to resolve conflict between two people, two tools stand out as most effective. These include: (a) empathic listening and (b) asserting interests. These tools are relevant not only for conflicts that occur between parents and children, but any form of conflict, including conflicts between adults, conflicts within a marriage, conflicts in the workplace and even conflicts between children. Let’s start with empathic listening.

You’ve had a hard day and you are exhausted. You are looking forward to relaxing at home. No cooking tonight. You want to go out to dinner and just relax. Or at least order pizza in. You come home and begin to tell your spouse about your day.

However, your spouse cuts you off when you say that you want to go out for dinner: “We really can’t afford to go out to dinner so often. We really should stay home.”

How do you feel? If you are like most people, you probably feel unheard, unacknowledged, not listened to, angry and perhaps a bit hurt. Why? Because your spouse did not want to go out to dinner? Probably not. It’s because the thing you wanted most of all in this situation was for your feelings to be acknowledged. Here you are, frustrated and exhausted from a hard day’s work. You want to be understood. Your spouse has effectively ignored your feelings.

The desire to be heard – to have one’s feelings understood and acknowledged – is not confined to situations like this. It is one of our strongest desires. This is especially true when it comes to situations that involve conflict between Continued on page 8

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8 North Shore Children & Families

Making Guided Collaboration Work Empathic Listening Continued from page 7

people. Here, rather than trying to understand one another, it is very easy to get into a cycle of anger.

Sally:

Mom, can I stay out an hour later tonight?

Mom: Sally, you know you are supposed to be home by 10:00.

Sally:

But Mom, I’m 16-years-old. You don’t trust me.

Mom: I do trust you – it’s everyone else I don’t trust!

Sally:

No you don’t. If you trusted me, you wouldn’t treat me like a little kid.

Mom: Don’t you talk to me that way! If you don’t want to be treated like a little kid, then you should stop acting like one…

Neither Sally nor Mom is feeling particularly understood or heard in this situation. Neither Mom nor Sally is making a genuine attempt to acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Instead, their conversation descends into blame and defensiveness. “You know you are supposed to be home by…”, “You don’t trust me”, “I do so…”, and so forth.

Empathic listening occurs when one person temporarily puts aside his or her interests and attempts to understand what another person is thinking and feeling.

In empathic listening, one decides to stop and listen. One devotes all his or her attention to the other person in an attempt to see the world from that person’s perspective. The empathic listener does not interrupt. He or she does not attempt to counter or respond to the other person’s statements. His or her goal is simply to understand the other person empathically. The empathic listener does not simply want to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings; optimally, the listener’s goal is to feel empathy for the other person – to feel what they feel as they take the other person’s perspective.

It is helpful to break empathic listening down into a series of parts or steps. To be a good empathic listener, consider doing the following: 1. Stop what you are doing. Devote all of your attention to the speaker. Listen actively and try to put yourself in the position of the speaker.

2. Listen actively so that you understand and can remember what the speaker is saying. Look at the person; nod your head to indicate you understand; make comments that encourage the speaker to continue to express him or herself.

3. When the speaker is done speaking, summarize what the person has said in your own words. Be complete. After you summarize what the speaker has said, ask him or her, “Is that what you are saying?” or “Do I understand you correctly” or something similar.

4. When the speaker indicates that you indeed do understand what he or she is saying, comment on what you believe the listener must be feeling. You can say, “It sounds as if you were really hurt when he said that to you; that’s an awful way to feel”, or “It seems really important to you to stay out late. You seem to be saying that if you have to come home early, that you feel like a little kid. I wouldn’t want to feel like a little kid either if I were you…”

Here is an example of empathic listening:

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MUSIC THE TRE

Sally: Mom: Sally: Mom:

Mom, can I stay out an hour later tonight?

You want to stay out past 10:00 tonight?

Yeah. Can I stay out until 11:00?

What’s going on? Why do you want to stay out until 11:00?

Continued on page 10

North Shore Children & Families

9

Education Feature

The Phoenix School — Where the World Is Our Classroom

or the symphony, the experience is a rich illustration of how the 4 “C’s” of 21st century learning: communication, collaboration, critical thinking and problem-solving, and creativity and innovation fused with the 3 “R’s” in project-based learning experiences.

Step through the door of The Phoenix School and find yourself in a large, open space divided into learning areas filled with a rich array of opportunities for authentic learning for all ages PK8th grade. A Phoenix education is not limited by its four walls. Students venture out in the world to use the rich resources of the Salem community or board the train for Boston, or as 5-8th graders, take a flight for their annual Travel-Study trip as Phoenix students travel to learn.

Meet a Phoenix student, meet a leader.

• Has your Kindergartner ever Skyped with other children his age as a member of a Global Read Aloud project?

• Has your 3rd grader ever snorkeled with spiny sea urchins and sea turtles as part of her coral reef research project?

• Has your 6th grader come nose to nose with a cave cricket in disorienting darkness on a school trip?

Canada to see if we can guess where in the world each of us is located • Skyping with a classroom across the US to participate in an engineering challenge of stacking Oreos At Phoenix our 1-to-1 computer program provides all ages with opportunities to use web 2.0 tools to create, collaborate, and communicate with people all over the world.

We’re small and we love it.

Imagine your 5-8th grader coming face to face with a cave cricket while squeezing through the Masher in a Kentucky cave or examining a sea urchin in the Virgin Islands. Wherever we go, we question, draw, write and do; authentic learning at its best.

Even when Phoenix students are in school, the world is our classroom and the adventure of learning has no boundaries. A global education is woven into the fabric of our curriculum.

Imagine your child using technology to go into classrooms around the globe: • Working collaboratively on Edmodo with a team of students from Canada, China, and Czechoslovakia to share ideas that will lead to a greater understanding of different cultures • Exchanging VoiceThreads about our communities with students in Brazil, Poland, China, Bahrain, and

The Phoenix School is a place where every teacher knows each child well, where students and teachers develop important relationships that grow stronger over time as students interact with the same teachers from year to year, where students meet individual learning goals not limited by grade level, where students of different ages work and learn together in mutually beneficial ways.

Imagine a school that is small enough that once a year the entire student body, grades PK-8th, can spend two weeks together creating an original musical, designed to communicate in a creative way information they have studied as a whole school.

Whether it be about the coral reef, or the rain forest,

Art Show Open House: Dec.15th, 6:30-7:30pm

Imagine your 7th or 8th grader sharing the podium with the President of Salem Rotary as a leader in one of the collaborative projects organized and run by The Phoenix EarlyAct Club, a student run community service club.

Leaders at The Phoenix come in all sizes. At every grade, leadership opportunities are built into each day as students learn to become good partners, collaborators, and leaders of teams. From PK, where younger students help each other and take turns being in charge, to our EarlyAct Club, where students plan projects that help community and global charities, each Phoenix student learns to lead.

Phoenix kids care … about their community, about the world, about themselves.

Our EarlyAct Club, a community service club sponsored by the Salem Rotary Club and run by the students, is responsible for ensuring that as a school, we make a difference for others in need. At the same time, they are learning leadership, how to work together, compassion, empathy, and a greater awareness of the social needs in our area as well as in the world. This builds character, what we consider to be the fifth “C” for a 21st century education.

We are The Phoenix School where the goals for a 21st century education have been in practice for over thirty years.

Have you ever met a Phoenix student?

When you do, you’ll want one too.

Come visit.

The Phoenix School 89 Margin Street, Salem, MA 01970 • 978-741-0870 www.phoenixschool.org Co-founders/Heads: Betsye Sargent, Barbara McFall Director of Admissions: Leslie Levesque The information contained in this education feature was submitted

by The Phoenix School, and published in partnership with North Shore Children & Families; www.northshorefamilies.com.

has said (e.g., “It sounds like you are kind of saying staying out later would make you feel more grown up”).

10 North Shore Children & Families

Making Guided Collaboration Work Empathic Listening Continued from page 8

Sally:

I don’t know. I just want to. Jennie and Tom and Alice want to hang out after the movie, and I want to hang out with them.

Mom: Uh huh. You want to hang out with your friends after the movie.

Sally: Yeah. I think I’m old enough to stay out late.

Mom: I see. I want you to be able to be with your friends. Tell me, why do you feel as though you have to stay out until 11:00 to be with your friends? Why couldn’t you spend time with your friends before the movie?

Sally: All the kids are staying out late. It makes me feel like a little kid that I can’t stay out later. They’ll make fun of me.

Mom: It sounds like you are kind of saying staying out later would make you feel more in step with your friends. Is that right?

Sally: Well, yeah! It’s kind of embarrassing to be the first one that has to go home after a movie.

Mom: You feel embarrassed when you have to go home first? That’s a pretty crummy way to feel.

Now, what has happened in this situation? When Sally speaks, Mom invites her to engage in further conversation. She may do this by asking questions (e.g., “What’s going on? Why do you want to stay out until 11:00?”). More often, Mom simply expresses interest (e.g., “Uh huh”, “I see”), repeats or summarizes part or all of what Sally has said (e.g., “You want to hang out with your friends after the movie”), or tries to extend or clarify what Sally

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ORTHODONTICS FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS

More important, it is important to note what Mom has not done. She has not said “yes” or “no” yet to Sally’s request. She has not interrupted Sally. She has not become angry. Even if she disagrees with something Sally might have said (e.g., “All the kids are staying out late.”), Mom has not become defensive (e.g., she doesn’t say, “Well you’re not all kids” or something similar). She has not blamed Sally for anything. She has not called Sally any names. She has her own position (e.g., “I don’t want you out later than 10:00”).

Empathic listening is a difficult skill to acquire. It’s difficult to put one’s reactions aside and put oneself in the position of another person – especially when what the other person is saying is at odds with what we want. However, one person does not have to agree with another person in order to engage in empathic listening. Several things happen when one person listens empathically to another: 1. The listener is able to learn things about what the speaker is actually thinking and feeling that would be simply impossible otherwise.

2. By understanding how the other person truly thinks and feels, the listener gains a sense of compassion for the speaker.

3. As a result, the listener becomes less defensive.

4. The speaker feels heard. The speaker feels that his or her feelings have been understood and acknowledged.

5. The speaker feels that the listener cares about him or her, and that the listener wants what is best for the speaker.

6. Because the listener feels heard and acknowledged, he or she is more likely to listen to what the listener has to say when it is the listener’s turn to speak.

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As a result of Mom’s empathic listening, Sally felt safe enough to explain what she wants and how she feels. Mom has gained some very valuable information.

Most important, Sally feels heard and understood. Imagine how it must feel to Sally to know that her mother not only understands her embarrassment in front of her friends, but also empathizes with it!

At this point, the close reader is likely to have several questions. Some parents feel uncomfortable with some of these techniques. For example, some parents feel as though they are not acting naturally when they repeat back what a child has said. It simply feels odd or unlike everyday ways of speaking. This is understandable. If such ways of speaking are new, they are likely to feel uncomfortable. However, many parents are surprised when such ways of speaking work and make children feel more comfortable speaking. When this happens, what at first seemed uncomfortable becomes a part of everyday speaking.

Similarly, a close reader is likely to be worried at this point. Wait a minute! So now Sally is feeling heard and understood. What do we do now? Does Mom just let Sally stay out until 11:00? Does Sally just magically come around to Mom’s position? This is unrealistic! Mom and Sally would be at each other’s throats by now! People just don’t talk this way.

Actually, people can talk this way and do talk this way. When they are able to do so, conversations go much more smoothly. Of course, this one is not yet resolved. We’ve only just begun. Mom has very ably helped Sally to express her true interests. Now it’s time for Mom to express her interests and legitimate prerogatives to Sally.

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Tools for Effective Communication II: Asserting Interests The second major tool for collaborative problem solving involves asserting one’s interests. A major way to resolve or manage conflict between people is (a) to gain clarity about what each person’s genuine interests really are, and (b) to actively find ways to meet the other person’s genuine interests without giving in on one’s own. Let me repeat that last phrase: Without giving in on one’s own – especially when those interests are the legitimate prerogatives of parents.

In the example of Sally and her mother, Mom was able to help Sally to identify her genuine interests – yes, she wants to stay out later. But her real interest is that she wants to feel more grown up and independent. Now it’s time for Mom to assert her interests.

The Concept of an “I-Statement” This seems like it should be a simple thing to do. However, it can sometimes be a challenge. The trick to asserting one’s interests is to understand that asserting one’s interests is not the same as blaming, attacking, instructing, demanding, reprimanding or the like. Asserting one’s interests means talking about one’s own desires, values, goals, needs and standards. It means digging deep and identifying what it is that you, as a parent, really want, and why.

When stating one’s interests, one is talking primarily about one’s self. This is best done by using what is often called an “I-Statement”. An “I-Statement” is a Continued on page 12

12 North Shore Children & Families

Making Guided Collaboration Work Asserting Interests Continued from page 11

statement about one’s self. It reveals one’s genuine thoughts, feelings, concerns and standards. It is called an “I-Statement” because it most often begins with the word “I”. “I-Statements” begin with phrases like: I feel…

I think…

I want…

When you say that, I feel…

That is acceptable to me…

That is not acceptable to me…

My interests here are…

What I’m concerned about is…

“I-Statements” contrast with “You-Statements”, which are statements that characterize, blame or demean the other person.

“You are a bad boy.”

“You never do what I ask.”

“I’ve told you over and over…”

“You are always procrastinating!”

Such statements most often cause defensiveness in the person hearing them.

Even though such statements are not effective in the long term, parents can seem to “get away” with using them with young children. But this is merely because parents have more power than their young children. As children get older, they will be more able to assert their own power. When this happens, the result is a power struggle. A power struggle is the least effective way to manage conflict between parents and children (or anyone else for that matter).

The winner will always be the more powerful; when that happens, everyone loses.

“I – Statements” allow a person to state his or her own interests without blaming or demeaning the other person (whether that person is a parent or child). “I-Statements” identify one’s interests as something that must be acknowledged, attended to, respected and met in any given collaborative exchange. Using “I-Statements” to assert your interests has considerable power, especially when your child feels as though you are motivated to hear and even meet his or her legitimate interests.

Let’s put this into action by continuing the dialogue between Sally and her mother: Mom: So, I understand that you want to stay out until 11:00. You enjoy being with your friends, and staying out late would make you feel more independent. It can be embarrassing to have to be the first one to come home after a movie. I would probably feel the same way as you if I were in your shoes.

Sally: So can I stay out until 11:00?

Mom: Well, let’s talk this through. I would actually like to find ways to give you more independence. And I certainly don’t mind you being with Jennifer and Tom. I’m worried, however, about your safety. I don’t feel that it is safe for you to be on the road at 11:00. I worry about the types of people that you will run into. And I worry about what you might be tempted to do late at night unsupervised with your friends.

Sally: You don’t trust me!

Mom: You feel that I don’t trust you.

Continued on page 14

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Postscript: Are “You-Statements” Always Damaging?

In parent-child interactions, it is probably not possible to do away with “YouStatements” entirely. That is because the relationship between parent and child is not an equal one; parents have legitimate authority over their children.

Part of that authority involves identifying when children have acted inappropriately and stating more appropriate modes of behavior. As a result, it is often necessary and even desirable to use “You-Statements” such as:

Parents have the responsibility to socialize and direct their children’s behaviors. It is difficult and even undesirable to do without drawing children’s attention to their own behavior. Not all “You-Statements” are the same. The most constructive “You-Statements” are those that describe a child’s behavior without calling the child’s core identity into question.

“You just hit your sister; that is unacceptable.”

“When you came home late, you broke a family rule.”

“It’s time for you to do your homework”.

If one has to use “You-Statements”, it is best to use them descriptively rather than as interpretations or characterizations of a child’s behavior.

Here is the difference: Characterizing or Demeaning Language

Descriptive Language

“You are always procrastinating!”

“You haven’t done your homework yet.”

“You are a mean brother! You are horrible to your sister!”

“You made your sister cry when you told her that you hate her.”

“You are too immature to stay out late.”

“Last week, you said you would come home at 10:00, but you stayed out until 11:00.

I need to be able to trust that you will keep your word before I allow you to stay out later.”

“You lied when you said you’d get off the computer at 1:00.”

“I asked you to get off of the computer at 1:00, but now it’s 1:15.”

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14 North Shore Children & Families Asserting Interests Continued from page 12

Sally: Mom: Sally: Mom:

Yeah! The other kids’ parents trust them!

It’s important to you that I trust you.

Of course it is. I’m not a kid, you know.

Okay, I am open to finding ways to give you more independence.

But I need to make sure that you are safe. I simply will not allow you to be someplace unsupervised that I feel is unsafe.

Sally: You’re too overprotective.

Mom: That may or may not be true – I don’t know. But it really doesn’t matter. I want you safe and that is it. What can we do to give you more independence while at the same time assuring me that you are safe?

Collaborative problem-solving is about seeking for win-win solutions to situations involving social conflict. In so doing, Sally and her mother would continue this conversation in an attempt to suggest solutions to their shared problem: Granting Sally more independence while ensuring that she remains safe. As described above, Sally and her mother might agree that Sally could stay out late with her friends at one of the friend’s home - but only if they are supervised by trusted parents. Many other solutions are possible. The goal of guided collaboration is not simply to honor a child’s interests. The goal is to coordinate the child’s legitimate interests with the legitimate prerogatives of the parent. The use of "I-Statements" to express a parent’s interests does nothing to diminish the moral primacy of those concerns; a parent’s core interests are non-negotiable. "I-Statements" do, however, grease the mill of communication; they help children and parents understand each other so that constructive problem solving can occur.

How Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving Fosters Social Development and Personal Responsibility Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving can be a powerful tool for fostering social development and personal responsibility. There are many reasons why this is the case: Guided collaboration directly builds perspective taking skills.

When parents guide children through the process of collaborative problem solving, children are required to think about and understand the perspectives of other people. The goal of collaborative problem solving is to work towards “win-win solutions”. In order to do this, children must be able to develop a sense of their own interests and the interests of others. Further, they must be able to gain a sense of how their interests are related to the interests of others.

When parents guide children through the process of collaborative problem solving, children are forced to move beyond their own interests and address the interests of others head on.

Guided collaboration strengthens the parent-child relationship.

So often, when it comes to parent-child interaction, parents and children alike can often think of each other as “the enemy”. When positions collide, it is hard not to get entrenched in a battle of wills. In any such contest, someone wins and someone loses. However, when a parent guides a child through the process of collaborative problem solving, children gain a deep

emotional appreciation that their parents are “on their side”. They do this as they develop a more complex and nuanced understanding of their relationship to others. They come to appreciate something like: “I understand what my parents want and why they want it. But I also understand that my parents also want me to get what I want. They are looking out for me; they are trying to show me the right or effective ways for me to advance my interests”. This is powerful stuff. Once a child gets such a sense, they are not only able to develop a deeper respect for their parent’s intentions, they may also seek out their parent’s advice on matters that other children might actually keep secret.

Guided collaboration builds personal responsibility.

In guided collaboration, children participate in decisions that are made about their own actions.

When a child agrees to a jointly created solution, he has assumed public responsibility for his part of the agreement. The child knows that the privilege that has been extended to him is conditional upon keeping the agreement that has been made. (The parent, of course, is under a similar obligation.) If the child forfeits on the agreement, he must assume responsibility for doing so, and accept the consequences that follow his failure to live up to the agreement that he has made.

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Guided collaboration builds problem-solving skills.

When children and parents collaborate to solve a problem, they are in the business of creating solutions. Yes, there may be some obvious solutions to problems that are simply there, waiting to be used. More often than not, however, that is not the case. Quite often, the solutions that end up being selected are those that neither party has thought of yet, and which could not have been created without the participation of both partners. Common ground is not simply found; it is made. As a result, collaborative problem solving is a creative process. Children learn what they do, and especially what they do under the guidance of more accomplished others. When they participate in guided problem solving, they learn how to create novel solutions to complex problems.

Guided collaboration builds social and moral values.

The famous communication theorist, Marshall McLuhan, is known for his phrase, “the medium is the message”. This means that it is not only what we communicate that matters, but also how we communicate. Guided collaboration is a particular way of communicating. The process of guided collaboration presupposes a series of social values; such values are built into the very process of guided collaboration. These values include: respect for the interests of others, reciprocity in social relationships, the need to balance selfassertion with sensitivity to others, taking responsibility for agreements, the value of commitment to a course of action, empathy and compassion for others, the usefulness to think outside the box and a range of other related values. Again, children learn what they do, and especially what they do under the sensitive guidance of others. If this is so, then learning to engage in collaborative problem solving will teach children the social and moral values upon which that communicative process is based.

16 North Shore Children & Families

Adult Development

The Remarkable Resilience of Roger Ebert We are all familiar with Roger Ebert.

Ebert has been an erudite and prolific movie critic for over thirty years. In 1975, he was the first movie critic to win a Pulitzer Prize. For over thirty years, he has written for the Chicago Sun-Times. He is well known for his work as a movie critic on television with Gene Siskel. It was Siskel and Ebert who used the “thumbs up/thumbs down” motif in recommending movies to their viewers. “Two thumbs up” has entered the vernacular as an indication of a good movie.

Robert Ebert worked with Gene Siskel until Siskel became ill with cancer in the 1990’s. After Siskel’s passing, Ebert continued his famous movie review program with other co-

As if that were not enough, in the absence of his jaw, Ebert’s face is distorted. Although he wears a prosthetic jaw, on seeing Ebert, one cannot help but to be aware of his misshapen face. And seeing his face is easy to do; Ebert makes no attempt to hide his new self. Instead, he has put it out there for all to see.

hosts. In the past years, Ebert has faced his own recurrent challenges with cancer. In 2002, Ebert had a malignant tumor removed from his thyroid. Since then, he has had repeated procedures related to recurrent cancer. In 2008, Ebert had a series of surgeries which involved removal of his lower jaw.

As a result of these procedures, Roger Ebert has not eaten in four years. Food and drink were taken from this epicure who relished cooking, flavorful food and fine wines.

He now receives nourishment intravenously through feeding tubes.

Further, since his operation, the critic who made his living speaking his mind about the movies hasn’t spoken a word. Instead, he relies upon the

face communications, he bootstraps gestures to help get his points across.

It is as if Ebert is saying: “This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. I have accepted myself. I am moving forward, creating new ways of being and experiencing the world. I hope you accept me as well. However, if you don’t, I have no control over that.” power of his fingers moving across his computer keyboard. He also “talks” with the aid of a machine. In face-to-

Through his misfortune, there must have been great suffering. Through this suffering, Ebert, who is 67 years old, has continued to develop. Ebert

has lost a great deal. The loss of his ability to speak and eat is, in many ways, the opposite of development.

However, confronting his loss, Ebert has developed in many ways. Some of these ways are apparent; others are most likely hidden from view.

There are the obvious and seemingly mundane signs of his development.

Ebert had to learn to use his speaking machine; he had to learn new ways to communicate. I’m sure that there was much to learn about how to apply his new jaw and how to monitor his nutritional intake. These are all new skills that took time and effort to develop.

But as difficult as these may have been, these advances are not what make Ebert such a remarkable figure to me. Ebert had to face his cancer; he had to face his loss; he had to face his new appearance. I would be very surprised if he did not experience depression during this time. However, in facing these tasks, Ebert chose to accept himself. By external

appearances, he was able to eschew vanity and public expectations about appearance. He was able to say, “This is real; this is happening; I must accept it and move forward.”

And move forward he has! Through putting himself out there – I am neither going to apologize nor seek pity for who I am now – Ebert seems determined to live his life to the fullest. He has been able to identify that which is most important in his life, and to pursue that with vigor and zest. I can’t imagine that it is easy or that there are not times of deep angst. But here is someone who has embraced life through loss and hardship. This is a developmental achievement.

I am very aware that in applauding Ebert, I am holding him up as a kind of model of positive development. I am saying that what Ebert has been able to do is good, is desirable, is to be admired. There is, however, a certain danger in doing this. The danger is one of saying, “This is the single right

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North Shore Children & Families way to face adversity” or “If a person does not respond to adversity as Ebert has, he or she is morally or spiritually deficient”. Yes, I admire Ebert. But not everyone can be Roger Ebert or even should be Roger Ebert. Each person must find his or her own way to cope with adversity, loss and suffering. There is no one way to do this. Those of us who are healthy have little business identifying any one right way to react to pain and suffering.

Recently, I ran across the following aphorism on Facebook: “Happy people don’t have it all; they just make the best of what they have”. This is a truism. However, the word “just” seems to be misplaced. The word “just” trivializes the effort required in making the best of what we have.

Making the best of what we have is not necessarily an easy thing to do.

Making the best of what we have is an effortful developmental achievement.

17

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Winter issue covers December AND January so plan ahead if you have something to promote in Dec. and/or Jan. as we do not have a separate January issue!

Contact Suzanne by Nov. 18 (noon) to secure your ad space! suzanne@northshorefamilies.com

18 North Shore Children & Families

Adult Development

Old People Can’t Surf… …the web, that is. And that’s why they are so uncool. Old people are passé.

They don’t know anything anymore. They used to know something, but that was in their day. Today is our day, and they can’t keep up. They may know how to use carbon paper, but they can’t cc: using email. They don’t know who Justin Bieber is or Lady Ga Ga. They listen to Frank Sinatra. And they have old morals. Great Grandma wants me to reuse the aluminum foil. She still takes old shoes to the cobbler. Just chuck ‘em and get a new pair.

We don’t treat our elders very well. We don’t respect them nearly as much as we ought to. Why do elders deserve our respect? Just because they are elders? Some might say yes. But there is another reason, a more important reason. And that has to do with wisdom. Older people bring with them a lifetime of experience. They are the holders of cultural memory. They draw on a wealth of experience from joyous success through miserable failure to the pain and grief of loss.

Now, let’s not romanticize our elders. There are plenty of elders who are not wise, who are curmudgeonly, who hold onto traditions that should have been discarded long ago. However, a wise elder has learned something that no 20year-old is capable of ever learning. A wise elder has attained a level of perspective about life; she has a sense of what is important and what is not; of what is worthy in life and what is not.

What’s more, a wise elder cannot simply teach a young whippersnapper what he or she knows; the 20-year-old is simply incapable of grasping the elder’s wisdom and knowledge. The 20-year-old has to acquire this wisdom himself, through his own experiences of success, failure and loss.

But if that is true, if the naïve whippersnapper has to learn the lessons of life on his or her own, then isn’t the wisdom of the elders simply irrelevant? If the wisdom of the old is lost on the young, then of what use is that wisdom? Of what use are the old? Why should we respect their wisdom? There are two reasons why we should respect the wisdom of our elders. The first is obvious; the second is less so.

First, even though the young cannot grasp the full vision of their elders, that doesn’t mean that they cannot benefit from parts of that vision. After all, a novice computer programmer cannot understand all at once everything that an expert programmer has to offer. The novice will go to the expert when he has a need to learn something new. Over time, the novice will gradually come to develop the knowledge of the expert. (Over time, the novice might even exceed the expertise of the expert! But to do this, the novice must stand on the shoulders of the expert.)

The second reason why we should respect the wisdom of our elders is less obvious. It is precisely because the young cannot grasp the full wisdom of the old that an elder’s wisdom should be respected. In a sense, this sort of respect for elders is a kind of “educated faith”: We know that our elders have valuable knowledge that we don’t have. Even though we may not be able to appreciate the full scope of what they have to offer, a degree of “educated faith” in their wisdom might save us from jumping impulsively off the cliff out of a false sense of youthful arrogance. This kind of “educated faith” would require that we revise our view of our elders: They may know something that we don’t.

Community Calendar To Submit to our Community Calendar: Please visit us at www.northshorefamilies.com and submit your listings directly through our website.

From our Home Page – click on Calendar – then click on Submit in the upper right corner and our form will open for you to complete and submit your listings.

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Calendar listings are generally due by the 15th of each month prior and must be submitted through our website. If you need to guarantee that your listing will be posted – please contact Suzanne to advertise. See our current Calendar for our upcoming issue deadlines.

To advertise, please contact Suzanne at suzanne@northshorefamilies.com or 781.584.4569.

For complete listing accuracy, we recommend that you call ahead or check the websites listed. Featured listings do not constitute an endorsement from this publisher and we encourage our readers to always do their own research.

NOVEMBER IS THE MONTH FOR: Good Nutrition, Aviation History, Child Safety & Protection, Drums, Adoption Awareness, Epilepsy, Model Railroads, Novel Writing, Native American Heritage, Peanut Butter Lovers, Real Jewelry, Sleep Comfort, Latin American Month Week 1: Chemistry Week;Week 2: Children’s Book Week;Week 3: American Education Week, Game & Puzzle Week

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SAVE TODAY: If you or your family or friends have businesses that need to effectively and efficiently reach North Shore parents with children of all ages, interests & needs – contact Suzanne today to start your 3x “Try Us!” program for new advertisers – and save 10%! See page 4 for

North Shore Children & Families more details; view our ad rates, sizes & more online at www.northshorefamilies.com!

Winter (Dec./Jan.) issue ad space deadline is 11/16 if you need ad production assistance – or at noon on Friday, 11/18, if you will be submitting a completed ad (due by 11/22).

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SIGN UP TODAY: Bay State Dance is accepting new registrations for ballet, tap, jazz, Mommy & Me & Zumba classes in Medford, Stoneham & No. Reading.

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Have an Awesome Birthday Bash at The Little Gym! See ad on page 20 in the North Shore Party Planner!

Roller World Skating Center, Saugus, is now taking registrations for fall birthday parties & school fundraisers! Call 781.233.3255 or visit www.roller-world.com.

Programs for Kids (Preschoolers, K-5 or ages 9+) at The Community House of Hamilton & Wenham. For schedule, rates & to register: www.communityhouse.org or 978.468.4818 ext. 10.

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20 North Shore Children & Families Community Calendar

SUNDAYS:

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Continued from page 19 DONATE TODAY & SAVE THE DATE FOR A GREAT CAUSE: 18th Annual Salem Children’s Charity Holiday Fundraiser/Christmas Party on Dec. 13 at Victoria Station, Pickering Wharf, Salem. Doors open at 5pm; $15pp includes delicious buffet. Features Silent Auction, Live Auction (amazing items to bid on!), sports collectibles and celebrities, raffles (excellent prizes!) – ALL proceeds go directly to meeting the basic and often emergency needs (food, clothing, shelter, holiday toys) of Salem’s school children.

For more info. or to donate gift certificates, new items, gifts or services to the auctions/raffles, please contact Patty Levasseur at 978.836.1146 or Witchcraft Heights Principal, Mark Higgins, at 978.740.1270. To make an online donation or to learn more about Salem Children’s Charity, please visit www.salemchildrenscharity.org.

GET TICKETS NOW FOR:

32nd Annual Christmas in Salem, Dec. 2-4!

Tour 13 decorated homes & public spaces, holiday activities, Friday night candlelight tour; $30 gen. adm. www.christmasinsalem.org Marblehead Little Theatre presents Oliver!, November 5-20 at the Nelson Aldrich Performing Arts Center in Marblehead. www.mltlive.org North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly: Legally Blonde, Nov. 1-13; A Christmas Carol, Dec. 2-23. For tix & info.: www.nsmt.org or 978.232.7200. Also on sale now: Seussical the Musical, April 2012 show dates.

Victorian Family Day, December 3, 10am-9pm, at Old Town Hall in Salem.

Net proceeds benefit Make A Wish Foundation. Featuring marionettes, Santa visit, Dickens Parlor Performances, games, story time, crafts, German Cotillion, Old Curiosity Shop & more. For schedule & tix: www.dickensnorthofboston.com.

The Fairy Tale Players present Cinderella, 10:30am, Nov. 19, No. Andover; $8/child (suitable for ages 1-8), adults free. www.fairytaleplayers.org

Boston Ballet presents the holiday classic, The Nutcracker, at The Boston Opera House, Nov. 25 – Dec. 31. See this version for the last time! Tickets from $35; www.bostonballet.org. See ad on back cover!

Peter Pan, through December 30, Boston City Hall Plaza, ages 5+;

Salem Theatre Company presents An Empty Plate in the Café du Grand Boeuf, Dec. 1-17; www.salemtheatre.com.

WINTER ISSUE DEADLINES!

All Ads Due/Done By Tues., Nov. 22 December AND January Calendar Listings Due By Tues., Nov. 22 Please submit your listings directly through our website.

To secure your ad space:

suzanne@ northshorefamilies.com

781.584.4569

NOVEMBER 1: All Saints’ Day; Dia de los Muertos; Authors’ Day; Family Literacy Day North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly: Legally Blonde, Nov. 1-13; A Christmas Carol, Dec. 2-23. For tix & info.: www.nsmt.org or 978.232.7200. Also on sale now: Seussical the Musical, April 2012 show dates.

NOVEMBER 2: All Soul’s Day; Look for Circles Day NOVEMBER 4 + 5: Treble Chorus of New England presents Viva La Diva!, fully staged opera, 7pm, at Doherty Middle School, Andover; $16/adults, $10 students/seniors. www.treblechorusne.org NOVEMBER 5:

Marblehead Little Theatre presents Oliver!, November 5-20 at the Nelson Aldrich Performing Arts Center in Marblehead. www.mltlive.org Unbound, Highlights from the Phillips Library at PEM, Salem; opens Nov. 5. See over 30 rare objects including a leaf from the Gutenberg Bible, original transcripts from the Salem witchcraft trials & more. www.pem.org NOVEMBER 6: Daylight Saving Time ends – fall back, spring ahead! Turn clocks back one hour to 1am at 2am.

The Phoenix School (Salem) Online Auction ends Nov. 6 at 12am; for ages 18+. Great items to bid on at www.biddingforgood.com.

Admissions Open House at The Pike School, Andover, 1-3pm. See ad on page 16!

NOVEMBER 7: Eid-Ul-Adha; Hug A Bear Day; Magazine Day

Book Lovers’ Day Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight Montessori School, Beverly, 9-10:30am; free for ages 2.5-5 and caregiver. RSVP at 978.922.1008; see ad on page 13!

Open House w/Lantern Making at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly, 10amnoon. Tour classrooms, see student work, make a lantern to bring home, a tradition at Waldorf schools worldwide.

See ad on page 14!

Runway USA: Celebrating Women in Uniform, 6pm, at North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly. Pres. by Lorraine Roy Designer Collections; proceeds benefit organizations supporting our troops. Pre show reception, boutique tables, food tastings, raffles, Lorraine Roy Designer Collection fashion show; $100 VIP ticket incl. post show dessert reception; $50 gen. adm. For every 3 pairs of new, white sox for men or women

The North Shore Party Planner

(Our Winter issue covers 2 months, Dec. AND Jan.; there is no separate Jan. issue.)

Ad Space Closes Fri., Nov. 18

First Baptist Church, 1 Water St., Danvers, 10:30am. Join us for instruction, children’s sermons, friendly congregation w/traditional & contemporary worship. www.fbcdanvers.org

Open House at Andover School of Montessori, Andover, 10am-noon.

To advertise, please contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com.

The

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Elegant & Affordable North Shore's best kept secret & the perfect location for: • Weddings,

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by Suzanne For Gifts

A Personalized Poem Makes a Perfect Gift for Any Special Occasion

Speeches, Toasts & Roasts

781.592.3080

781.584.4569

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· Private party – clean, safe, beautiful facility all to yourselves. · Instructor led – great age-appropriate games and activities. · Stress-free for The Little Gym of Danvers parents…we take 978.777.7977 care of EVERYTHING! www.tlgdanversma.com Call for details.

The Little Gym of Woburn 781.933.3388 • www.tlgwoburnma.com

For Invitations

Showers • Birthdays, Sweet 16s • Bar/Bat Mitzvahs • Anniversaries • All Special Occasions • Wedding & Function Packages • Many Menus to Choose From One Range Road, Nahant

Have an Awesome Birthday Bash at The Little Gym!

Clever, Custom Verses for Your Invitations & Thank You Notes

For Events

suzanne @northshorefamilies.com

Birthday Party on Roller Skates!

Roller World, Saugus 781.233.3255 Party Line

A COOL PARTY STORE! Route 110, Salisbury

1.855.45.PARTY www.gofunnybones.com

Ages 5 & Under Birthday Parties at

www.malltots.com 978.777.6411

that you bring to the event, you will get a free raffle ticket! For tix & more info.: www.nsmt.org.

Holiday Craft Market, 10am-3pm, free adm., all ages, at Centerville Elem. School, Beverly. www.holidaycraftmarket.com

NOVEMBER 8:

NOVEMBER 12 + 13:

Cook Something Bold Day; Young Readers’ Day NOVEMBER 9:

Weekend Festival: Artful Inventions Mad Science = Great Art; all ages, free w/mus. adm. See schedule at www.pem.org.

Chaos Never Dies Day; Parade Day

NOVEMBER 13:

Open School at Harborlight Montessori School, Beverly, 9-11am; RSVP at 978.922.1008. See ad on page 13!

World Kindness Day; Moms’ & Dads’ Day

NOVEMBER 10:

Endicott Singers, 3pm, $5 gen. adm., all ages; at Endicott College, Beverly. www.endicott.edu/centerforthearts

Forget-Me-Not Day; USMC Day

NOVEMBER 15:

Registration Deadline for Fall Entrance Exam at Austin Preparatory School, Reading! (Exam is Nov. 12, 8:30am; see ad on page 4!)

Clean Your Refrigerator Day; America Recycles Day; Philanthropy Day; Pack Your Mom Lunch Day

NOVEMBER 11: Veterans’ Day Open House at Stoneridge Children’s Montessori School, Beverly, 9-11am.

See ad on page 18!

NOVEMBER 12: Parent-Child Playgroups at Harborlight Montessori School, Beverly, 9-10:30am; free for ages 2.5-5 and caregiver. RSVP at 978.922.1008; see ad on page 13!

Fall Entrance Exam at Austin Preparatory School, Reading!

(Register by Nov. 10; see ad on page 4!)

Waldorf Academics in Action: Class Tours, 8:15-10:30am, at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly.

RSVP at 978.927.1936. See ad on page 14!

Open House at Glen Urquhart School, Beverly, 9-11am. See ad on page 11!

Open House at Stoneridge Children’s Montessori School, Beverly, 6-7:30pm.

See ad on page 18!

NOVEMBER 16:

If you need to advertise in our 2month (Dec./Jan.) WINTER issue, and if you need our ad

North Shore Children & Families production assistance, please confirm your ad size and submit your ad materials TODAY!

NOVEMBER 18:

Open House at Tower School, Marblehead, 6-8pm. See ad on page 7!

Advertising Space Reservation DEADLINE at NOON for ADS in our 2-month (Dec. AND Jan.) WINTER issue!

To advertise, contact suzanne@northshorefamilies.com!

We do NOT have a separate January issue – so plan ahead!

Open House at Shore Country Day School, Beverly, 9:15-11:15am.

See ad on page 6!

If you need our ad production assistance, please confirm your ad size and submit your ad materials by 11/16!

You can see our ad rates, sizes & available discounts at www.northshorefamilies.com.

We do NOT have a separate January issue – so plan ahead! See page 4 for new advertiser specials!

NOVEMBER 17: Great American Smokeout; Homemade Bread Day;Take A Hike Day; World Peace Day; Young Readers’ Day Open House at Tower School, Marblehead, 9-11am. See ad on page 7!

Open Classroom at Clark School, Danvers, 9-10:30am. See ad on page 2!

Open House at Glen Urquhart School, Beverly, 9-11am. See ad on page 11!

Modern Band Project in Concert, 7:30pm, Endicott College, Beverly; $5/gen. adm. All ages welcome. www.endicott.edu/centerforthearts

You can see our ad rates, sizes & available discounts at www.northshorefamilies.com.

See page 4 for new advertiser specials!

Cape Ann Waldorf School Holiday Fair – Preview Night, 7-9pm; preview & buy!

Open to all adults. www.capeannwaldorf.org NOVEMBER 19: National Adoption Day Cape Ann Waldorf School Holiday Fair, 9am-4pm; shop for gifts, handmade crafts, books & more! Bakery & café and activities for the entire family (storytelling, puppet shows, candle-dripping, music, raffles, wee-folk shoppe & the revered pocket-lady). All ages welcome to shop & get into the holiday spirit! www.capeannwaldorf.org Continued on page 22

North Shore Children & Families

North Shore Children & Families

is available for free each month at over 425 familyfrequented locations throughout the North Shore!

invites you to

Enter to Win!

Attention Advertisers: Ask us about our … … “Try Us!” program for new advertisers … Annual advertising frequency programs … The Annual Planner for Schools program … The North Shore Party Planner program … Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase series … Service Directory Target your message to North Shore parents.

We’ve got the North Shore covered!

2011- 2012 PUBLISHING SCHEDULE Issue

Winter (Dec./Jan.) February March

Ad Space Deadline

Fri., Nov. 18 Fri., Jan. 20 Fri., Feb. 17

Ads Due

Tues., Nov. 22 Tues., Jan. 24 Tues., Feb. 21

To explore your advertising options or to secure your space, please contact Suzanne at 781.584.4569 or suzanne@northshorefamilies.com.

To learn more, please visit www.northshorefamilies.com.

21

ENTER TODAY! 2 tickets to

PETER PAN 360 in Boston (See ad on page 12)

2 tickets to

BOSTON BALLET’S The Nutcracker (See ad on back cover)

$50 towards a dance or fitness program at

BAY STATE DANCE (See ad on page 19)

All prizes are awarded courtesy of North Shore Children & Families, and in partnership with select sponsors.

DEADLINE TO ENTER IS NOVEMBER 30!

Please enter online at www.northshorefamilies.com.

On our Home Page, simply click on the buttons for the contests you wish to enter!

Enter one contest or all 3, but only one entry per person per contest, please.

Several winners will be selected.

22 North Shore Children & Families

NOVEMBER 27: Happy Birthday, Nancy!

Community Calendar Continued from page 21 NOVEMBER 19: Enjoy an evening of jazz standards with Just the Two of Us, at Trattoria Bella Mia, 218 Cabot St., Beverly, 7-10pm.

The Fairy Tale Players present Cinderella, 10:30am, No. Andover; $8/child (suitable for ages 1-8), adults free. www.fairytaleplayers.org My Daddy Rocks! 11:30am at The Community House of Hamilton & Wenham; $8pp, Dads are FREE! $25 max. cost/family.

Concert with Brian Doser & band for kids of all ages – Moms are welcome, too! Advance ticket purchase recommended as space is limited.

NOVEMBER 20: Universal Children’s Day; Absurdity Day; Beautiful Day Open House at Glen Urquhart School, Beverly, 2-4pm. See ad on page 11!

NOVEMBER 21: World Hello Day NOVEMBER 22: Stop the Violence Day

Community Calendar listings’ deadline for 2-month WINTER issue – covers December AND January! We do NOT have a separate January issue – so plan ahead!

Please submit your listings for DECEMBER and JANUARY events directly through our website (see beg. of this Calendar for details).

NOVEMBER 24: Happy Birthday, Debbie!

Happy Thanksgiving!

NOVEMBER 25: Buy Nothing Day; Black Friday; You’re Welcome Day Boston Ballet presents the holiday classic, The Nutcracker, at The Boston Opera House, Nov. 25 – Dec. 31. See this version for the last time! Tickets from $35; www.bostonballet.org. See ad on back cover!

4th Annual Gabe’s Run, 7:30am-noon, all ages, $10-$25, Hamilton; proceeds benefit the Gabriel Pacione Memorial Scholarships. www.gabesrun.org

Advent begins.

NOVEMBER 30: Stay At Home Because You Are Well Day DECEMBER 1 – 4: Gingerbread Festival, Jeremiah Lee Mansion, Marblehead; all ages. $3pp, $10/family; proceeds benefit Marblehead Family Fund, Museum & Historical Society. www.marbleheadfamilyfund.org DECEMBER 2 – 4: 32nd Annual Christmas in Salem! Tour 13 decorated homes & public spaces, holiday activities, Friday night candlelight tour; $30 gen. adm. www.christmasinsalem.org DECEMBER 2 – 23: North Shore Music Theatre, Beverly: A Christmas Carol, Dec. 2-23. For tix & info.: www.nsmt.org or 978.232.7200. Also on sale now: Seussical the Musical, April 2012 show dates.

DECEMBER 3: Open School at Harborlight Montessori School, Beverly, 9-11am; RSVP at 978.922.1008. See ad on page 13!

.

Victorian Family Day, 10am-9pm, at Old Town Hall in Salem. Net proceeds benefit Make A Wish Foundation. Featuring marionettes, Santa visit, Dickens Parlor Performances, games, story time, crafts, German Cotillion, Old Curiosity Shop & more.

For schedule & tix: www.dickensnorthofboston.com.

DECEMBER 4: Holiday Open House at Endicott College, Beverly, 1-4pm, free, all ages.

RSVP: 978.232.2012.

DECEMBER 6: Waldorf Academics in Action: Class Tours, 8:15-10:30am, at Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly. RSVP at 978.927.1936. See ad on page 14!

DECEMBER 7: Open House at Stoneridge Children’s Montessori School, Beverly, 9-11am. See ad on page 18!

DECEMBER 8: Registration Deadline for Fall Entrance Exam at Austin Preparatory School, Reading! (Exam is Dec. 10, 8:30am; see ad on page 4!)

Open House at Cohen Hillel Academy, Marblehead, 9-11am. See ad on page 17!

DECEMBER 10: Fall Entrance Exam at Austin Preparatory School, Reading!

(Register by Dec. 8; see ad on page 4!)

DECEMBER 13: Open House at Tower School, Marblehead, 9-11am. See ad on page 7!

Looking for Quality Childcare?

Miss Wendy’s Mature, stay at home mom has room for your child in her home and her heart.

FULL TIME INFANT OPENINGS! Infants • Toddlers School Age • After School Care Space is limited.

Licensed childcare. MA Lic. 2080546.

Reliable. Responsible.

Great location in quiet, safe Salem (MA) neighborhood – near playgrounds, beach and park.

Miss Wendy 508.843.0848

18th Annual Salem Children’s Charity Holiday Fundraiser/Christmas Party at Victoria Station, Pickering Wharf, Salem. Doors open at 5pm; $15pp includes delicious buffet. Features Silent Auction, Live Auction (amazing items to bid on!), sports collectibles and celebrities, raffles (excellent prizes!) – ALL proceeds go directly to meeting the basic and often emergency needs (food, clothing, shelter, holiday toys) of Salem’s school children. For more info. or to donate gift certificates, new items, gifts or services to the auctions/raffles, please contact Patty Levasseur at 978.836.1146 or Witchcraft Heights Principal, Mark Higgins, at 978.740.1270. To make an online donation or to learn more about Salem Children’s Charity, please visit www.salemchildrenscharity.org.

DECEMBER 15: Art Show Open House, 6:30-7:30pm, at The Phoenix School, Salem.

See feature on page 9 & ad on page 14!

DECEMBER 16: Application Deadline for Austin Preparatory School, Reading.

See ad on page 4!

Service Directory

North Shore Children & Families

23

ART INSTRUCTION

DENTAL CARE

FUN & FITNESS

SCHOOLS

TheArtRoom Topsfield 978.887.8809 www.theartroomstudio.com

Northside Dental Care Peabody 978.535.8244 www.northside-dentalcare.com

Roller World Skating Center Saugus 781.231.1111 www.roller-world.com

Harborlight Montessori Beverly 978.922.1008 www.harborlightmontessori.org

CARPET CLEANING

EARLY EDUCATION

SCHOOLS

Marlene’s Green Carpet Cleaning Serving the North Shore 978.994.4315 See ad on page 3!

Little Sprouts Several North Shore Locations 877.977.7688 www.littlesprouts.com

Austin Preparatory School Reading 781.944.4900 www.austinprepschool.org

The Phoenix School Salem 978.741.0870 www.phoenixschool.org

Next Generation Children’s Centers Locations include Andover & Beverly 866.711.NGCC www.ngccenters.com

Brookwood School Manchester 978.526.4500 www.brookwood.edu

ENTERTAINMENT

Cape Ann Waldorf School Beverly 978.927.1936 www.capeannwaldorf.org

CHILD DAY CARE Miss Wendy’s Childcare Salem F/T infant openings!

See ad on page 22!

DANCE INSTRUCTION Bay State Dance Medford, Stoneham, No. Reading 978.270.9983 www.baystatedance.com Boston Ballet School/NS Studio Marblehead 781.456.6380 www.bostonballet.org/school DENTAL CARE Andover Pediatric Dentistry Andover & Lawrence Locations www.andoverpediatricdentistry.com Malden Family Dental Malden 781.388.0900 www.malden-familydental.com Drs. Merle, Zicherman & Associates Peabody & Lynn www.mzdental.com

Boston Ballet presents The Nutcracker The Opera House, Boston www.bostonballet.org See ad on back cover!

North Shore Music Theatre Beverly www.nsmt.org See ad on page 8! threesixtyO presents Peter Pan on Boston’s City Hall Plaza www.peterpantheshow.com See ad on page 12!

FUN & FITNESS The Little Gym Danvers and Woburn www.tlgdanversma.com www.tlgwoburnma.com North Shore Yoga Studio Beverly 978.857.9063 www.northshoreyogastudio.com

The Children’s Center for Communications Beverly School for the Deaf Beverly 978.927.7070 ext. 202 VP: 866.320.3233 Clark School Danvers 978.777.4699 www.clarkschool.com Cohen Hillel Academy Marblehead 781.639.2880 www.cohenhillel.org Covenant Christian Academy West Peabody 978.535.7100 www.covenantchristianacademy.org

The Pike School Andover 978.475.1197 www.pikeschool.org Shore Country Day School Beverly 978.927.1700 www.shoreschool.org Sparhawk School Amesbury 978.388.5354 www.sparhawkschool.com Stoneridge Children's Montessori School Beverly 978.927.0700 www.stoneridgecms.org Tower School Marblehead 781.631.5800 www.towerschool.org Waring School Beverly 978.927.8793 www.waringschool.org TUTORING A+ Reading Center Reading Tutor/Individual Lessons

Glen Urquhart School Beverly Farms 978.927.1064 www.gus.org

To advertise, contact Suzanne today! suzanne@northshorefamilies.com Winter issue ad space reservation deadline is November 18!

Serving the North Shore 781.799.2598 mperkins@aplusreadingcenter.com Mathnasium The Math Learning Center North Beverly • 978.922.2200 See ad on page 3!

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North Shore Children & Families