THE GRAND RAPIDS PRESS SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2017 E5
Tell Me AbouT IT
DeAR AbbY
lIvINg wITH cHIlDReN
Carolyn Hax
Jeanne Phillips
John Rosemond
Sibling reacts through RSVP Dear Carolyn: My brother told me and our five sisters that his daughter was not inviting nieces and nephews to her 350-guest wedding. When I learned the nieces-and-nephews rule only applied to our family and not that of his wife, I felt deceived and betrayed and sent our regrets that we would not be attending the wedding. This has created an irreconcilable situation where both parties have hard feelings. I do not see a solution to this problem. What are your thoughts? — Not Attending
My thought is that you chose to speak through an RSVP instead of to your brother directly. That’s not a response, that’s a reaction, and it invited your brother to react in kind. Predictable result: Huffiness all around. Where speaking directly could have pre-empted a problem, now it will have to solve one, which is much more difficult. But it can still be done if you lead with a sincere apology: “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I should have asked you about the nieces and nephews instead of just lashing out.” Assuming he accepts your apology, then say your piece in the kindest, calmest tone you can muster: “Here’s what I should have said to begin with: I was very hurt when I learned that kids from only our side of the family were excluded. I realize it’s your daughter’s wedding and her prerogative, but I’m struggling not to take it personally. Are you willing to share the reasoning?” That information would allow you to respond to the invitation thoughtfully, vs. turn it down reflexively — a distinction that helps keep families speaking to each other as they age, grow, evolve, multiply and walk through the hellfire of nuptialcelebration events. Write to Carolyn Hax at Tell Me About It, Sunday Source, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071. Email: tellme@washingtonpost.com
HINTS FRoM HeloISe
Hints for effective carpet cleaning Dear Heloise: Our new house is completely carpeted. I want the carpets to look good. What is the best way to keep them clean? — Becky, via email Hi Becky, there are two good ways to do this. First, do heavy vacuuming overall, and then give the carpets a quick spot cleaning. To vacuum the right way, move the vacuum cleaner back and forth and then side to side. I count to about 20 in one location and do a grid pattern. After the major vacuuming is done, I use a commercial spray or foam carpet cleaner and apply it only to the areas that need it the most. For the rest of the house, I often sprinkle baking soda over the carpet because it acts as a deodorizer. I allow it to sit for a few hours and then vacuum it up. Check the outdoor and indoor mats also, because they prevent more than 80 percent of dirt from coming in. — Heloise Write to Heloise at P.O. Box 795000, San Antonio, TX 78279-5000, by fax to 210-HELOISE. Email: Heloise@heloise. com
Photo album reveals a surprise in dad’s past
Dear Abby: My parents have been happily married for more than 30 years. While flipping through an old family album recently, I discovered photos from a wedding many years ago that I had never seen before. Turns out, they were from my father’s FIRST wedding. That’s when I realized his marriage to my mother was his second wedding. I’d like to learn more about his first marriage, but it’s clearly something from my father’s past that I can’t talk to him about. What should I do? — Wants To Know More
Dear Wants To Know More: The shortest distance between two points is a direct line. How do you know this is “clearly” something your father won’t discuss? If his first marriage was a deep dark secret, those photos would not have been kept in an album. The solution to your question would be to tell him you saw them and ask him to tell you about it. He may have learned lessons from his first marriage from which you could benefit. Dear Abby: I am a man in my late 20s dating my on-and-off-again boyfriend of five years. I dread the parties and family
gatherings he brings me to. I’m polite and good at holding conversations, but generally quiet around his friends and family members I don’t know well. He jokingly puts me down at each event and says things like, “Why do I even bring you?” or, “Thanks for not doing or saying anything” (which isn’t true). When I tell him afterward that I find his jibes offensive and suggest maybe he should date someone else who doesn’t irritate him at social events, he either plays it off as “joking” or says, “Well, it’s true.” Any advice on how to handle this situation? — Quiet One in Pennsylvania
Dear Quiet One: Humiliating someone isn’t funny; it is cruel. If you have told him you don’t like his jibes and want them stopped and yet he persists, handle it by re-evaluating your relationship and looking for someone who is more sensitive to hang out with. If the ridicule happens often, it may be a clue that you are really not compatible. Write to Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or DearAbby.com.
RelATIoNSHIPS
Barton Goldsmith
Bully’s apology does not bring resolution
I understand the damage bullying can do. Throughout my childhood, I was tormented by a couple of neighbors — one in particular. I called him “Ferrous.” Nearly every day he would lie in wait for me on the four-block walk from my school to the relative safety of my house. One of my survival techniques was to stay after school, sometimes till five in the evening. I would go from classroom to classroom and talk to the teachers. They all knew about the problem, but back then, nothing was done. My own mom called me a “wimp,” and sometimes if I was caught, the other neighborhood kids would join in. Reading this as I write, I see a strong case for child abuse and neglect. A few years ago, I actually saw my protagonist and somehow got on his email list, and recently I confronted his violent behavior with me as a child. Here is the response I got. Barton, I am sorry for punching you. For threatening you with harm. For teasing you horribly and for belittling you. I was definitely feeling less than and needed to build myself up, and didn’t know how to. So I would tear you down to build me up. I truly am sorry for the way I treated you. However, it was those actions that got me to where I am today. It was those actions that brought me to alcohol and alcoholism and finally to AA. Today, I try to be a good man doing good things for others. I don’t lie today. I have no need to lie about anything. It doesn’t help anyone.
I should have made amends to you years ago, and I didn’t. I am sorry for the way I treated you when we were children. I was wrong not to make direct amends to you years ago. I have tried to make living amends to you over the years by being kind and friendly to you and keeping in touch through Facebook and emails. I see that that was not the correct way to make amends. Barton, I am truly sorry for my actions and my inaction. I will never be able to change the past; however, I can change today. Today I am sorry for the harms I inflected upon you. Thank you for calling me out. For Ferrous, it took AA to get to a place where he can try to make amends for his actions. His growth through a twelvestep program may have even saved his life, but his apology did not bring much resolution for me. I still have childhood issues — and who doesn’t? — to which I’m sure he contributed, and I’m not letting these issues run me in any way. Knowing they are there and where they came from is a big help, and self-awareness can never be a bad thing. As for Ferrous, I don’t wish him ill, but he’s not getting invited to any parties. Live and let live is the way I am thinking. Perhaps the bullies out there need to see life that way too. Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith can be reached at Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or email him at Barton@bartongoldsmith. com
Flip phone for teen seen as new policy Q: Our 15-year-old daughter has become, over the past year or so, quite a disruptive influence in our normally peaceful home. She was a gem until she entered high school when she almost overnight become disrespectful and combatively argumentative. If she disagrees with a decision we make, she will begin screaming at us, calling us names, and the like. Despite the fact that her face is in her smart phone almost constantly, her grades at the secular private school she attends are still good to excellent and she’s not, to our knowledge, hanging with a bad peer group. We’re at somewhat of a loss to figure this out. A: Today’s teens, and especially the female of the species, seem drawn to create drama out of their lives. If no other drama presents itself—if everything is hunky-dory in the child’s life socially and otherwise—then the default theme is “my parents are, like, idiots and, like, don’t understand me or my needs and I am, like, pitiful.” I must stress that these dramas do not necessarily reflect any reality outside of some idiosyncratic “reality” that exists solely in the teen’s smart-phone-addled brain. Which is, in fact, a possible solution: to wit, take away the smart phone and get her a flip phone from a box store. I’m not suggesting you do this as punishment for her disrespect; I’m suggesting that this be your new and very enlightened policy. I have spoken of late to more than a few parents who have done exactly that. Without exception, they report that their children become more relaxed, respectful, and sensitive to the needs of other family members. Some have even told me that their kids have testified to feeling better, less stressed, less “prickly,” and the like. One parent told me that after the loss of her smart phone, her teen daughter stopped using “like” every fourth word. Hallelujah! Send your questions to family psychologist John Rosemond at johnrosemond.com or parentguru.com. eveRYDAY cHeAPSkATe
Mary Hunt
Realistic shopping Here’s a great way to get your older kids to think realistically about stores, the mall and online shopping sites. Start by getting a credit card application from your mailbox. Have them figure out the terms. Then go online with them, or grab a mail-order catalog, and go wild! The rule is you can buy — hypothetically — whatever you see but only for a predetermined period of time. Write down everything you’ve ordered with your pretend credit card. At the end of the time, add up the total cost, including the shipping and handling. Now get your calculator and assess the damage. Using the total as the balance and the payment terms on the application, find out how many years it will take you to pay for this shopping spree. Whew! You’ll be mighty glad this was only a game. And just think of all the stuff you won’t have to take care of or return because of a reality check. Write Mary Hunt at mary@everyday cheapskate.com.
HoRoScoPe
Linda Black Today’s Birthday (02/12/17). Experiment with new concepts, cultures and locales this year. Benefits arise through social participation. Strengthen community ties. Resolve an obstacle with a partner this month, laying ground for rising profits and income. Take a new personal direction in September, before rediscovering love. Learn together. To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging. Aries (March 21-April 19): Today is a 9 — Balance a busy schedule with caring for your own health. Exercise and nature energize you. Eat and rest well, before taking action. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Today is an 8 — Relax and play with people you
love. Family comes first. Fantasies prove flimsy; stick to solid ground. Share your talents and enthusiasms with like-minded friends. Gemini (May 21-June 20): Today is a 7 — Home and family have your focus. If you can avoid travel, stick close to familiar turf. Finish what you’ve begun. Consider how your decisions impact others. Cancer (June 21-July 22): Today is an 8 — Accept a challenge. Make your persuasive case. You don’t have to sing your own praises. Study the situation and follow the money trail. Upgrade your tech. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Today is a 9 — The potential for profit rises. Don’t spend it before you get it. Price and value comparisons get useful later.
Keep agreements and budgets. Determination surmounts obstacles. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Today is a 7 — Work toward a personal vision or goal. Don’t quit. Keep your agreements, especially to yourself. If stuck, speak with a friend or relative you trust. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Today is a 6 — Peaceful contemplation bears fruit. Lay low and consider. Finish old tasks to clear space for what’s ahead. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Today is an 8 — Teamwork gets the job done. Stifle your rebellious side and align with the group. Compromise for the common good. Strengthen foundations and celebrate results together. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Today is an 8 — Practice your moves. The pace
is quickening, so get energized and into a groove. Prepare to step into the spotlight. Someone influential is paying attention. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Today is a 7 — Use your own good judgment regarding your next adventure. Schedule and plan your itinerary. Avoid stepping on toes to get what you want. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Today is an 8 — Review budgets and finances with your partner. Changes necessitate budget revisions. Join forces with another to get the funding. Align priorities for mutual benefit. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Today is a 7 — A partner’s opinion is important. Listen to another view, even if you don’t agree. Don’t respond automatically. Let it sink in. Follow through later.