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I dream of Fujian, of the sea, of widows unspooling dark rivulets of hair and feeding hoary veils to the evening tide. By sunset they are new once more, for twelve hours free, until the waves spit up a sandy phlegm, and their black burdens appear again. I dream of the place where lies the margins of my heart, of ridges hitching on horizon’s brow. In Fujian, dawn is a kind of libation: I drink the bloody tears of heaven as the sun hikes up her kilt. I dream of drowning, of swampy ecstasy. It is easy to die this way, pirouetting on lazy ankles in the deep. I am a rag doll turned by the sea’s soft hands and weaned on brine. It is easy to die this way. I dream of plaiting mermaid manes, of lacing hands through kelp and ocean grit. I remember how I sought my mother’s hum in the twist of a conch and found my father’s roar instead: misery is an undercurrent lapping at an empty shore, a swell of truths I cannot bear to seek.
Comment [1]: Em dashes might work better instead of commas. This would place more focus on the sea, which is the focal point of the poem. Comment [2]: The verbal flow of “rivulets” throws off the rest of the line a bit. Comment [3]: Beautiful diction and imagery!
Comment [4]: Great personification.
Comment [5]: This is a very strong line, but repeating at the end of the stanza makes it lose its potency. I would advise you to remove the first one, as the notion of death and dying is already presented in the preceding line. Ending with “It is easy to die this way” feels more powerful. Comment [6]: Fantastic alliteration and imagery.
Comment [7]: This is something a little too major to incorporate into the last few lines of your poem. The speaker clearly feels powerfully about his/her family dynamic, so throwing in a brief reference at the end doesn’t do the subject justice. Weaving these references into your poem might help!
The Marble Collection: Massachusetts High School Magazine of the Arts TMC SCORING RUBRIC: POETRY SUBMISSION TTILE OR NUMBER: “Fujian” - #4427 EDITED BY: Michelle Kubilis SCORE: 13/16
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SCORE
Structure and Organization
A purposeful form is present and remains consistent and relevant to the subject throughout the poem. The lines are balanced and they enhance the theme and style of the poem. Syntax and overall structure create a unique experience for the reader.
The form of the poem is inconsistent, cliché, or predictable. Word order seems unplanned and becomes confusing. The poem’s ending point makes it feel incomplete. Flashbacks are confusing and may not have a significant purpose to the piece as a whole.
Elements of poetry enhance the sensory experience and depth of the poem. A consistent meter is created and sound devices (rhyme, assonance, alliteration, onomatopoeia, etc.) support the tone and subject of the poem in a unique way. Figurative language creates depth for readers.
The structure of the poem is not developed, taking away from the reader’s understanding of the poem. Word order and syntax are confusing. The poem feels forced or unfinished. Flashbacks are very unclear or unnecessary to the poem. There is little or no use of poetic elements. The poem lacks character or style. The poem does not create an experience for the reader of follow a specific tone. There is a lack of depth to the piece.
3 – The overall structure of the poem is good, but the ending throws me off a bit. The writer incorporates a major theme of family into the poem at the very last minute, and it would have been better-executed if the topic had been present throughout the poem.
A clear form is developed. Most lines are balanced, and enhance the theme of the poem. The word order and length of the poem are appropriate. The syntax and overall structure is somewhat unique. Any flashbacks may be a little confusing or need more detail to be executed clearly. Elements of poetry sometimes, not always, enhance the sensory experience and depth of the poem. The meter is mostly consistent. Some figurative language is used to enhance and support the tone of the poem.
Elements of Poetry
The Marble Collection, Inc. 202 Main Street Lakeville, MA 02347 http://www.themarblecollection.org Sources: MA Curriculum Frameworks http://www.doe.mass.edu/frameworks/current.html
Elements of poetry are overused, underused, or fail to contribute to the poem. A rhythm is inconsistent or poorly executed. Poetic devices are misused or can be misinterpreted. Figurative language may be inappropriate or unnatural.
3 – The writer executes imagery and personification very well. There are also some metaphors present that enhance the poem.
The Marble Collection: Massachusetts High School Magazine of the Arts Diction
Grammar, Usage, Mechanics, Spelling
Appropriate diction adds to the style of the poem. Word choices are varied, precise, and mechanically accurate. A consistent voice accurately supports the subject and enhances the emotional range of the poem.
There are no errors in grammar, usage, mechanics, or spelling. Any intentional errors support the subject and tone.
Appropriate diction sometimes contributes to the definite style of the poem. Word choices varied but sometimes are questionable in mechanics. The voice is sometimes consistent and somewhat supports the subject and depth of the poem. There are few errors in grammar, usage, mechanics, and spelling. Some, not all, intentional errors support the subject and tone.
Inappropriate diction takes away from the meaning of the poem. Some of the wording is vague, cliché, or repetitive. The tone may shift or lack a strong, definite voice.
The poem is difficult to understand due to underdeveloped or overly simplified diction. Word choices are consistently confusing or not fitting. The poem lacks a consistent style.
3- The overall diction is good; however, some words seem like they are a little out of place.
Errors in grammar, usage, mechanics, and spelling take away from the meaning or general understanding of the poem. Intentional errors distract from the subject and tone.
The poem is consistently difficult to understand due to errors in mechanics, usage, grammar, or spelling.
4 – No errors in grammar, usage, mechanics, or spelling.
COMMENTS: The overall concept of the poem is fantastic, and I really appreciate the writer’s diction, which is incredibly musical in nature. I am a little thrown off by the ending though, since family dynamics are suddenly thrown into the mix. Ending on such a note makes me wonder if I am somehow missing something within the poem’s central theme. Does the speaker’s family play a major role in this poem? Is it actually about them? A little more clarification would be helpful.
The Marble Collection, Inc. 202 Main Street Lakeville, MA 02347 http://www.themarblecollection.org Sources: MA Curriculum Frameworks http://www.doe.mass.edu/frameworks/current.html
I dream of Fujian, of the sea, of widows unspooling dark streams of hair and feeding hoary veils to the evening tide. By sunset they are new once more, for twelve hours free, until the waves spit up a sandy phlegm, and their black burdens appear again. I dream of the place where lies the margins of my heart, of ridges hitching on horizon’s brow. In Fujian, last bastion of my childhood, dawn is a kind of libation: I drink the bloody tears of heaven as the sun hikes up her kilt. I dream of drowning, of swampy ecstasy. How swiftly the tide can pull out to sea a dancer pirouetting in the deep— a hapless dancer turned by the sea’s soft hands and weaned on brine. How swiftly the tide can make a skeptic pray: “Don’t let me die this way.”