A Cockroach Story by Andrew Adams

A Cockroach Story

by Andrew Adams

Can I borrow your attention for a moment or two? To lend you a piece of advice. I only wish to offer your ear a brief proverb so absurd You would have thought that I had just made it up.

It all began one fateful night When I went to the kitchen for a snack. I flicked on the light, And was given one hell of a fright When I was faced with a room coated with clicking cockroaches Numbering twenty-two thousand or more. They were all milling about Paying me no mind. Some thumbed through magazines, Others played cards at the counter, While most helped themselves to the beer in my fridge.

One of the bunch locked eyes with me, And I with it. It turned to the rest and with a chirp and a hiss It told the others to split. They all skittered off under my fridge. Leaving me there alone With my face frozen in a bug-eyed stare.

I made my own retreat Thinking to myself for a solution. Should I lure them out with cockroach prostitution? Burn this place down and start again? Offer them a human sacrifice of my neighbor Ken? No. No, those methods would have been too easy. I decided upon tactics that were far less sleazy. I took the diplomatic route, And wrote them a note. It read:

“I mean no harm to your cockroach kind

And wish you all the best. I write to you in search of a nonviolent end to our impasse. For you see, I think it can’t be where we are living side by side in this house. So, I present to you a challenge, Of wit and skill Rather than one of might. A challenge for the whole house. My next question is this: Can you play chess? Simply circle no or yes.”

I left the note on the floor with the pen by its side. Later that day I found it with a response. A yes was circled, With instructions below saying to set the board low And that we shall only make our moves at night. I agreed to their terms by setting the board on the kitchen floor. Lining two rows on each end with tiny towers, horse heads, and pawns And leaving four empty, fit for a battlefield.

I made my first move. Pawn to C4. An explosive entry to the game. I went to sleep that night planning out my strategy. The next morning, from the opposition Knight to C6. Not too cunning so far. I made my second that night with a Knight to C3. In the morning the battle raged on. And on. And on. And on… And on it raged for several more ons Until one evening when it was starting to get late. I was preparing for my next move when I suddenly realized The cockroaches had secured a checkmate.

Now here I sit. Atop a bar stool With nowhere to go but here. My friend, do try and listen to my advice Stick to fire, Or chemical warfare, Because when it comes to cockroaches, They never play nice.