Appendix 5F Behavioral Self-Defense by MidHudson Angels

BEHAVIORAL SELF-DEFENSE: A More Realistic, Usable, Preventive Method of Self-Defense

CLASS MANUAL by Ed Park

TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION...................................................................................................2 The Reality of Crime...................................................................................2 Beyond Self-Defense..................................................................................3 PART I. PHYSICAL SELF-DEFENSE ..................................................................4 Pain-Compliance: A Better Option ...................................................4 Other Disadvantages of Offensive Striking ......................................4 Physical Tactics..........................................................................................5 Special Situations .......................................................................................5 Mugging ...........................................................................................5 Knife Attack......................................................................................5 Handgun Attack ...............................................................................6 Being Overpowered .........................................................................7 Dynamic Perseverance....................................................................7 A Review of Popular Self-defense Tools ....................................................8 Martial Arts.......................................................................................8 Weapons..........................................................................................8 PART II. PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF-DEFENSE ....................................................9 Understanding and Exercising Your Equality, Freedom, and Rights ..........9 Individual Bill of Rights ...............................................................................9 The Disadvantages of Passive-Aggressive Approaches ...............12 Enforcing Your Rights ....................................................................12 De-escalation............................................................................................13 Offensive Psychological Tactics: The Dirty Tricks of the Trade ................14 Control and Focus .........................................................................15 Warning Signs ..........................................................................................16 Dominant Versus Submissive Manipulators .............................................18 Pro-Active Relationship-Building Strategies .............................................19 Appendix: Power and Control Wheel Equality Wheel

This manual is an introduction to Behavioral Self-Defense. Behavioral Self-Defense is a self-defense method and concept created and developed by Ed Park. The author grants permission to the International Alliance of Guardian Angels to use and copy this manual for the purposes of teaching self-defense. Ideas and opinions expressed in this manual do not necessarily represent those of the International Alliance of Guardian Angels. 1

INTRODUCTION You are about to study a revolutionary self-defense method. This method focuses on realistic and safe preventive techniques. It is a considerable departure from traditional self-defense. Martial artists were the first to teach self-defense. Their focus is teaching students to react to violent confrontations. Law enforcement agencies and personnel then began offering self-defense instruction. Their focus was on simple safety advice like locking all your doors and walking along well-lit streets. Social service, victim, and womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; s advocate groups entered the arena offering advice on dealing with rape or safely leaving an abusive relationship. Undoubtedly, many of these classes have helped people get out of bad situations. The most important lesson, however, is not how to get out of a bad situation but how to avoid getting into one. Although, it is important to know how to get out of your car if you get in accident, it is much more important to know how to avoid getting into the car accident in the first place. The Reality of Crime Street crime is not the biggest threat to us. The media inflates certain types of crime like it inflates the dangers of air travel by covering every single major air crash. It is still safer to travel by air per passenger mile than it is by car. (More than 40,000 Americans die from automobile accidents every year.) This is not to say that street crime is not a serious threat, but there is an even more serious threat that is often ignored. These crimes occur in and around our own homes committed by people we know. Nonstrangers commit almost two in every three rapes and sexual assaults. 1 Nonstrangers commit over three in every four murders. 2 Many self-defense and martial arts classes will tell you what to do when a stranger attacks, but how do you protect yourself against your own spouse, significant other, friend, relative, co-worker, or date?

In 2000, 65% of rapes/sexual assaults were committed by nonstrangers (where the relationship between the victim and offender is known). U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Criminal Victimization 2000, Changes 1999-2000 with Trends 1993-2000, NCJ 187007. 2

In 2000, 77% of murders were committed by nonstrangers (where the relationship between the victim and offender is known). Crime in the United States 2000: Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigations. 2

Beyond Self-Defense The first part of this manual will focus on street crimes and physical tactics. The second part, however, will focus on protecting you from nonstrangers. Often times, when nonstrangers attack, there is an escalation pattern of abuse and manipulation. You do not have to wait until a physical attack to react. You can do many things to stop and reverse the escalation pattern. Since self-defense has always focused on reacting to and remedying existing problems, many people are not interested in learning self-defense. Why go to a dentist, if you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t have a toothache? Much like dentists, people think self-defense is painful. Many classes have students punching, kicking, screaming, rolling, reliving past horrors, or rehearsing and thinking about horrible scenarios. On top of this, self-defense has been sold mostly to women as if they require this remedial skill in order to function properly in society. Self-defense should not be only reactive or remedial;it should be pro-active and preventive. It should not just be physical;it should be behavioral, focusing on the realms of psychology, communication, relationships, and emotions. For these reasons, everyone should be interested in learning self-defense. The interesting thing about learning to defend yourself from nonstranger crimes is that you are simultaneously defending yourself from all types of manipulative and controlling behavior. This not only applies to criminals, con artists, or even spouses;it applies to everyone: salespeople, bosses, subordinates, co-workers, parents, children, teachers, students, customers, clerks, clients, companies, the media, government, etc. Wherever there is a relationship, there is an opportunity for manipulation and abuse. Using a kung-fu chop to deal with manipulation is like using an axe to kill a fly. Trying to defend yourself against manipulation using only your common sense is like defending yourself from a virus with a helmet.

PART I: PHYSICAL SELF-DEFENSE Even within the field of physical self-defense, there are many problems and misconceptions. The most important and dangerous myth is that in order to defend yourself from a physical attack, you must injure and disable your attacker. When most people think of self-defense, they think of a karate chopping, high spin-kicking, punching, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. First of all, even in real-life fights between martial artists, the high kicks and fancy dance moves go out the door. People brawl. They grab, wail away, fall, flounder, and wrestle in a chaotic mess. Second, the more time you spend with an attacker, the greater chance he has of knocking you out. If you are being physically attacked, your priority is to escape. You should only resort to offensive striking if your escape is being obstructed. This is not advice just for weak people when they are being attacked. Retreating or running from an attack does not mean that you are a wimp. For many millennia, the doctrine of military warfare has emphasized the importance of escape and evasion. You should only go on the offensive when you have at least a three to one advantage or you have no means to escape. If generals are unwilling to attack at even odds, why should you? Even the most elite Special Forces units teach escape and evasion tactics. It is far from being a â&#x20AC;&#x153;wimpyâ&#x20AC;?tactic. Pain-Compliance: A Better Option Although, escape is important, an attacker may continue pursuing you, and it may take some time before you can fully escape. In this case, instead of a full physical offensive, you can use the intermediary tactic of pain-compliance. This involves the use of pressure points and joint manipulation. If you were to strike someone, they would react in a defensive mode. Their nervous system would be triggered to activate adrenaline, and this would help them strike back in retaliation. If, however, someone senses a pinpoint of acute pain, the body responds differently. It activates an aversion reaction, where the muscles contract in a manner that moves the body away from the point of pain. This should provide enough space and time for a full escape. At the same time, the attacker becomes more hesitant to continue the chase. Other Disadvantages of Offensive Striking Not only does striking motivate the attacker to react with even more force and aggression, it also endangers your ability to think clearly and respond effectively. When you use pain-compliance and escape tactics, you are using aerobic energy. In other words, you are using oxygen and breathing hard. When you use strikes, most people use anaerobic energy. They hold their breath and use their adrenaline and lactic acid to power their muscles. There are two problems with this. First, there is less oxygen flowing to the brain. Second, the muscles can burn out from lactic acid overdose. In either case, you are putting yourself in extreme danger. Throughout a violent confrontation, there are many opportunities and resources at your disposal. You need a clear and active mind to take advantage of them, and if your muscles burn out, of course, you are completely helpless. 4

Physical Tactics The following are some basic and important physical tactics that focus on escape and pain compliance. These are the types of tactics your physical self-defense class should focus on:           

Protecting your personal space Body language/walking Eye contact Positioning and stance Escaping grabs Protecting against a punch Avoiding a takedown or pin Escaping a pin or mount Escape and evasion maneuvers Pressure points Joint manipulation

Special Situations Mugging If a criminal wants your purse or wallet and there is no one around to help you or he has a weapon, it is time to conveniently part ways with your purse or wallet. You may lose hundreds of dollars. You may lose some valuable sentimental items. You may have to spend the rest of the evening looking up the customer service numbers of your credit card companies. If someone gave you the option of surrendering all this in exchange for living out the rest of your life, would you throw away the rest of your life? Yet, many people actually choose to throw away their lives for a second of personal convenience and pride. If a criminal wants your purse or wallet, make him go fetch. Throw your purse or wallet over his head and 20 yards behind him. Run in the other direction. Given a choice between money and you, muggers will choose the money. The same applies for car keys, jewelry, or any other type of material possession.

Knife Attack DO NOT wrestle or grapple with a knife attacker unless there is NO other way to escape. If the attack is too close to avoid, use your arms to protect your head, neck, and torso. Use rapid, flailing arm movements to deflect the knife. Throw anything at the attacker’ s eyes and run.

Handgun Attack You can’ t outrun a bullet at 1,000 feet per second, so what do you do? If you are within arms reach of the attacker, an attempted grab is rarely successful. Most criminals who brandish firearms will not use them unless you threaten or surprise them. They mostly use firearms to intimidate you into giving up property without a fight. Give up the property. However, if they are using the firearm to kidnap you, DO NOT comply. Often times, kidnappers end up killing their victims. Your best chance of survival is running. A Dozen Reasons Why You Are Better Off Running From A Gun: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

The intention of most attackers is not to shoot you but control you. If the attacker shoots you while you are running, he would have shot you anyway. Criminals do not want to draw attention with a gun blast. Many attackers are novice gun handlers. Most attackers do not target practice. Most attackers will not aim their guns. Most attackers will be too nervous or excited to keep their guns still. Many attackers cannot hit a moving target. Many attackers will flinch when firing their guns. Many attackers will be unsettled by their first shot. Even trained police officers have difficulty hitting their targets under pressure. In Hollywood, people can hit a moving target at 100 feet with both their eyes closed, without aiming, lying upside down, with a broken hand, without flinching. This ain’ t Hollywood.

Some people think that acting crazy is a good idea. To a criminal, a crazy person is an even easier target than a sane person. Crazy people make bad witnesses, so criminals will feel even more confident. By acting crazy, you will not only feel extremely awkward and uncertain, but you will become less aware of your environment. Keep your conscious mind active and working. This is your best protection. Others advise you to scream “fire.” I highly doubt someone will call the police or come to a person’ s aid if they screamed fire. Scream “help me, I’ m being attacked.” Someone will at least call the police.

Being Overpowered Many people will become completely shocked and intimidated by being manhandled or thrown around like a rag-doll. Being thrown around is actually your advantage. It expends considerable energy on their part and little on yours. No matter how powerful the attacker is they do not have an inexhaustible supply of energy and attention. At any point in time they may burnout, make a mistake, or simply lose focus. By staying calm, poised, and prepared, you will be able to take advantage of their limitations and errors. Even if you have tried everything conceivable to escape, once you relax and open up your mind, ideas will begin popping out of nowhere. Dynamic Perseverance If you are attacked, the more options you are aware of, the less likely you are to quit. In fact, the majority of people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder say that they felt there was no option available to them. Not all people, however, suffer equally. In research of victims of the same crime or natural disaster, people who said they saw options and acted upon them became less traumatized. They took action or at least attempted to take action. It does not matter how small or meaningless the action so long as it takes your focus off despair. Static perseverance is the ability to utilize one approach to problem-solving over and over and over again without variation. Most people who utilize static perseverance end up demoralized and quit. Dynamic perseverance is the ability to utilize multiple approaches to solving problems. Even if they fail, they never quit so long as there are options they have never tried. The act of quitting is the equivalent of surrendering your life and fate to the act of nature or the fancy of a criminal. If you ever quit, you will relive the moment again and again in your nightmares.

A Review of Popular Self-defense Tools Martial Arts Self-defense is a way of defending yourself against criminals, manipulators, and controllers. Martial arts is a way of exploring your mind, body, and “inner-spirit.” The by-product of years of serious martial arts training is an enhanced ability to defend yourself against physical attacks. Many martial arts, however, do not teach you about preventing crime and avoiding it. Weapons If and when you decide to arm yourself, you should be absolutely confident that you can quickly retrieve the weapon, decide to use it, and apply it appropriately under extreme stress. When most people decide to carry a weapon, they suffer from weapon dependency disorder. They believe that the weapon will save them. The weapon is a tool. If you do not use it correctly, your attacker can and will use it against you. Tips for Using a Weapon Know where it is. It is ten o-clock. Do you know where your weapon is? If you don’ t, do you have time to search for it while you are under attack? If you choose to carry a weapon, always know where it is. Keep it in the exact same place on or about your body. If you are attacked, you will not have the time or presence of mind to look for it. Learn to retrieve the weapon. Pulling out your weapon to show a friend and pulling it out under attack are two separate things. You should learn to pull out your weapon in a smooth, natural, unconscious manner like brushing your teeth. If there is any hesitation now, you could easily drop the weapon or misfire it under stress. Target practice. How many times have you practiced firing your pepper spray? Do you know if it is a stream or a spray? How far will it travel? How accurate is it? How strong is the spray against wind? If someone told you to make a free throw, and you have never touched a basketball in your life, could you? What are the chances of making a free throw when someone tells you that if you fail, someone is going to knock you out? Use it or lose it. If you have a gun, are you willing to kill someone with it? A marksman attending a pistol match was attacked in Las Vegas. He pulled out his competition pistol but hesitated. He wounded the attacker in the leg. The attacker then took his pistol and killed him with it. Use it appropriately. A man came home one day. He heard noises up in his bedroom. He took his shotgun and went to investigate. When he opened up his closet door, someone jumped out at him. The man pulled the trigger and instantly killed his young daughter. If you pick up a weapon, make sure that under extreme fear and stress, you have the training to maintain your calm and apply your weapon with discretion and conscience.

PART II: PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF-DEFENSE

Understanding and Exercising Your Equality, Freedom, and Rights “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” - Declaration of Independence, 1776 Equality, freedom, and individual rights are not just interpersonal matters. They are rooted in deep philosophical and ideological concepts about human nature and our relationships with each other and authority. Our founding fathers did not adopt these ideals because they thought it was all the rage in Paris, and they just wanted to be trendy. They adopted these ideals to protect themselves from abuse, manipulation, and control by their government in England. Likewise, each of us can adopt and exercise these ideals to protect ourselves from abuse, manipulation, and control by not only our own government but also each other.

Individual Bill of Rights “The convention of a number of the States … expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added… ” - Preamble to the Bill of Rights, 1791 The Legislators of the United States were not satisfied with merely creating their own government and declaring that everyone should be treated equally. They believed that this was insufficient to protect the people and states from being abused. They decided to enforce their equality by outlining their rights in the Constitution. Similarly, it is difficult to protect yourself from manipulation by simply declaring your equality or independence. You should also actively defend your individual rights. You possess the following rights that you may exercise without impediment, manipulation, justification, or explanation. There is only one condition: You may exercise these rights only when you first respect the rights of others. Article I: You have the right to say “no.” You do not need to justify saying “no”with an apology or explanation. Just say “no.” Saying “no”does not mean you are rude or selfish. It simply means you would rather do something else that would better serve your interests. If saying “no”is unacceptable to anyone, they are being rude and selfish.

Article II: You have the right to refuse to comply and/or cooperate. Like driving, compliance and cooperation are privileges not rights. You shouldn’ t take your driving privileges for granted, and you shouldn’ t take your compliance and cooperation for granted. If you choose not to comply or cooperate, you are not being selfish or rude;you are merely protecting your own interests. You should not feel obligated or guilty if you choose not to comply or cooperate. Article III: You have the right to possess and express your thoughts, worries, feelings, and needs. You have the right to think, feel, do and say anything you want. No one can tell you what to think, how to feel, what to say, and how to act. No one knows what is going on in your head or what your needs are better than you. When someone tells you that you’ re not really worried about it or you don’ t really feel angry about it, a bell should go off in your head. They are trying to control your mind by telling you how you think or feel or how you should think or feel. Article IV: You have the right to be respected. If you are equal, then you are just as valuable as the next person. Your ideas, worries, feelings, and needs are just as important as the next person. When people disrespect you, they are trying to tell you that you are of less value than they are. Defend your value by demanding respect at all times. When you give in just a little and allow someone to call you “stupid,”you are undermining the entire foundation of your equality. Article V: You have the right to disagree. You do not have to apologize or compromise. You have done nothing wrong by being in disagreement. Disagreement does not mean anyone has to give up or lose something. It means both parties understand and respect each other’ s positions and are willing to create a new solution that suites both sides. We are all different, and we all have different needs and interests. When people cannot accept disagreement, they are not accepting your needs and interests. Article VI: You have the right to stop talking to someone and walk away. You are not “stonewalling”when you walk away. Stonewalling is the act of inflicting pain and isolation by refusing to talk. You are asserting your right to put off the talk until you can clear your mind or settle your emotions. You are protecting your rights, feelings, and interests. If they are offended by you walking off, it is their problem not yours. If you care to, explain to them that you will talk to them later. By forcing you to interact at a moment of weakness, they are trying to take advantage of that weakness. Of course, making a habit of walking away may be an indication that you have difficulty controlling your emotions all the time.

Article VII: You have the right to change your mind. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. Your own feelings and ideas change all the time as you grow and learn, and therefore, changing your mind is natural. If someone does not respect your right to change your mind, they do not respect your feelings and ideas. Of course, sometimes we are pressured into making promises or make promises out of the enthusiasm of the moment. While you have the right to change your mind, you should also respect other people’ s plans and expectations. Article VIII: You have the right to walk anywhere you want (except for trespassing). You do not have to sit and listen. You do not have to stay and talk. You can go anywhere you want at anytime. Do not allow people to restrict your movement. Article IX: You have the right to protect your personal space from purposeful invasion. If someone sticks a hand, face, arm, or object in your face or close to your body, you have the right to remove it. You are not assaulting that person. You are asserting your personal space to safeguard your personal safety. If someone is standing too close to you, tell him to step back or gently push him back. Article X: You have the right to privacy. Unless you’ re in boot camp, you have a right to privacy. That means nobody has the right to look through, borrow, or take your personal belongings. It also means, nobody has the right to watch you any time they want or spend time with you constantly. You have the right to retreat into your own private environment to reflect on your ideas, feelings, and interests. Article XI: You have the right not to be touched under any circumstance, provocation, or premise. If someone grabs you and tells you they were just trying to keep you from harms way, assert your personal space and thank them if applicable. This does not allow them to continue touching you or compromising your personal space. If a co-worker decides to give you a massage or places his hand on your back, tell him to stop. Being friendly means respecting each other’ s rights. Article XII: You have the right to live free from the fear of physical injury. If someone tells you they will inflict bodily harm upon you, or someone picks up a weapon and threatens you with it, he has broken the law. You have the right to defend yourself with physical force and deadly force if you feel your life is being threatened. You are not required to accept the verbal and physical assault. Even if someone convinces you that you “deserve it,”you still have the right to defend yourself. 11

Article XIII: You have the right to protect your safety and life and the safety and lives of others as you reasonably see fit. If you ever feel someone is immediately threatening your life, and you cannot escape safely, you have the right to defend yourself with deadly force. If they are threatening anyone elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; s lives, you also have the right to defend their lives with deadly force. The Disadvantages of Passive-Aggressive Approaches Asserting yourself is NOT aggression;it is the protection of your rights and safety. Being passive or aggressive with someone will lead to violent confrontation faster than simple and plain assertiveness. Being aggressive with someone means taking personal offense and insulting him back. If you become aggressive, you play into their hands. They have destroyed your ability to think clearly and effectively. In a fit of anger, you are more vulnerable. Some people think that being a push over is the best route. This can be just as dangerous. You are just providing them with more confidence to take advantage of you. You may feel awkward or anxious when exercising your rights. Many novices overreact and become too aggressive. You will know when this happens when your emotions are beginning to take control. Assertiveness is marked by cool, calm, poise, and self-control. Asserting your rights is your first line of defense against a physical attack. If you cannot assert them, you could be escalating the potential danger. Enforcing Your Rights It is easy to learn your rights. In business, you cannot make money on a brilliant idea alone. You have to turn that idea into a reality. Many people are aware of most of their rights. They just have a small problem asserting them. People usually encounter three major obstacles to enforcing their rights. 1. They do not want to create a problem or conflict. Avoiding conflict is our gut instinct, but in order to develop a meaningful, constructive, mature relationship with others, you need to create rules of respect and enforce them. Delaying conflict is much worse than dealing with it. 2. They are in need of the relationship more than the respect. What they do not understand is that the two are inseparable. No relationship is worth having without the respect. 3. They do not want to derail their good feelings. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; re smiling, laughing, having a good time, and then all of a sudden you feel uncomfortable. Many people respond to discomfort by giggling. You should make it perfectly clear that you are uncomfortable. If nothing else, leave. You do not need an excuse to leave. This is not 3rd Period math class. 12

De-escalation The escalation of violence by a nonstranger usually follows a predictable pattern of subtle, gradual, and incremental steps. This is the reason why many people fail to defend themselves until it is too late. Keep in mind that in some cases, steps may be omitted, and violence may escalate instantaneously. 1.

They stop listening to you. They ignore, disregard, or belittle your concerns, worries, ideas, and opinions.

Disagreement is unacceptable. Whenever you express disagreement or doubt, they ignore or attack it. To them, any form of disagreement is unacceptable. They are unwilling to compromise.

Your rights, feelings, and worries are disregarded or manipulated. You are told what you are feeling and thinking or should feel and think. You are told that you are being unreasonable, immature, shy, silly, stupid, etc. You are made to believe that your behavior and ideas are inappropriate.

Your personal space is disregarded. They will point a finger in your face, put their face up to yours, place an object in your face, stand in your way, etc.

They resort to intimidation and fear. They begin to raise their voice and motion dramatically with their arms like a condor on crack.

They make physical contact. They push, pull, touch, or grab you.

They attack you with full force.

Use the following tactics to stop the escalation and regain control of the situation: 1. They stop listening to you. Stop. Assert your right to be heard. Tell them you will resume talking when they start respecting your concerns, ideas, and opinions. 2. Disagreement is unacceptable. Stop. Assert your right to disagree and do whatever you feel is appropriate. Once they accept your right to disagree, resume talking. 3. Your rights, feelings, and worries are disregarded or manipulated. Stop. Assert your rights to think, act, and feel any way you want. Refuse to be told what you are or should be thinking, doing, or feeling. Once your rights, feelings, and concerns are accepted as valid and legitimate, resume talks. 13

4. Your personal space is disregarded. Stop. Assert your personal space. Any time you are touched and feel uncomfortable, leave immediately. 5. They resort to intimidation and fear. Stop. Escape to safety. Allow them to calm down alone. Do not try to calm them down by yourself. If they want to talk, use a telephone. 6. They make physical contact. Protect your personal space and escape to safety. 7. They attack you with full force. Deflect any imminent strike and protect your head. Strike them ONLY if you cannot escape. Escape to safety immediately.

Offensive Psychological Tactics: The Dirty Tricks of the Trade These tricks are designed to acquire quick and instantaneous results, but leave lasting and deep wounds. Impulses may make these tactics feel appropriate at the moment, but all mature and rewarding relationships depend more on patience, respect, and hard work. Control and Focus The basic principles of psychological tactics focus on the control of your mind. Much of that control depends on altering your focus and hence perception of reality. This sounds like a pretty deep philosophical concept, but it is so simple that even the most uneducated people and animals can employ psychological tactics. The primary goal of psychological manipulation is mind control. The manipulator will methodically define who you really are as opposed to who you think you are. You may even at first have a low opinion of yourself, and the manipulator will build up your self-esteem. This seems illogical, but it has a very powerful purpose. It makes you trust the manipulator, and it makes you depend on him for your identity and sense of selfworth. He will slowly eliminate all other input into your life in the form of education, friends, co-workers, social networks, and family. He will set himself up as the only way you interpret information and reality. It is like going to a foreign country and only having one friend who can speak both languages. You become completely dependent on that person to translate every single thing that happens to you. They become the glasses through which you turn the blur of reality into distinguishable objects.

Eliminating or compromising your personal rights.

You can’ t say no! What do you mean you won’ t do it?! How can you say that? You don’ t really feel that way! You can’ t possibly think that’ s right. Don’ t even try to disagree with me. After what you did to me, you deserved that. That was real stupid of you. How can you be such an idiot? 2.

Intimidation. Loud, threatening gestures and statements.

You better finish that now or else. You want to see what will happen if you don’ t do that! Don’ t make me come over there. I’ ll teach you not to talk back to me. Don’ t even think of pushing me? I’ m warning you. You’ re just asking for a beating. 3.

Guilt.

I can’ t believe you did that. What kind of a person are you? That was really out of line, what were you thinking? Did you even consider anybody else’ s feelings? Do you know how much that really hurt me? Do you even care? How could you leave me waiting for you, I could have been attacked out there. 4.

Defining who you are and labeling you.

You’ re not the type of person to enjoy that. You see the world in black and white. You’ re the kind of person who doesn’ t like big crowds. You’ re just a fun-loving, crazy person. You don’ t like it, because it doesn’ t appeal to your sensitive side. You’ re just a right wing, bible thumping, conspiracy theorist. You’ re just a bleeding heart liberal. 5.

Controlling your social environment.

I don’ t want you to go to your parents’this weekend. I have a bad feeling about your friend Mary. I think she’ s just jealous and wants to ruin your life. Your co-workers are just a bunch of disgruntled losers who want to drag you down with them. I wouldn’ t trust your uncle, there’ s just something wrong with him. I feel uncomfortable around your friend Brad. I think your bowling league is just a waste of time. 6.

Controls the conversation. Talks nonstop, continually interrupts you, negates or qualifies everything you say.

Excuse me, but I did not say that. Yes, but... On the other hand... Well, not really... No... However... Yes and no... Then again... I don’ t think so… That’ s absurd… Hold on a second… That doesn’ t make any sense… 7.

Ridicule and degradation.

You’ ll never pass that exam. You’ re just not smart enough. Do you really think you can make a difference? That’ s just stupid. Face it, you just don’ t have what it takes. How could you be so stupid? You’ re nothing but a pathetic loser. I figured you’ d forget that. Sometimes you really disappoint me. What am I going to do with you? 15

Blame game.

It’ s all your fault. You’ re the reason I never got that job. You forgot the organizer, so I screwed up the meeting. If it weren’ t for your mistakes, I would have easily gotten that client. The reason we’ re in this financial mess is because of all your spending and credit cards. You just screw everything up don’ t you? Everyone’ s against me. 9.

Single-mindedness. One solution. One way. One point of view. No exceptions.

This is how we’ re going to do it, and that’ s that. It’ s my way or the highway. I don’ t care what you say;this way is better. I am not lost! 10.

Extremism.

I’ ll never get a second chance. Everyone hates me at work. I don’ t like any of those colors. There is nothing that will make me feel better. I don’ t see an end to this thing. This is the worst thing that ever happened. I am so excited about this trip;I’ ve never felt so good in my life. 11.

Negativity, pessimism, sarcasm, and close-mindedness.

Those kinds of people are nothing but a bunch of leaches. I hate my job. I don’ t think I’ ll ever get a promotion. I am just getting sick and tired of all this bickering. Our relationship is going nowhere. There is nothing we can do about it. We’ re basically screwed. Yeah, right, then I’ ll get a big bonus, and we’ ll go vacation in the Bahamas. It’ s not even worth trying. 12.

Despair

Things will never get better. I can’ t stand this anymore. My life has just taken a wrong turn, and I don’ t see it getting better anytime soon. There is just nothing left for me to do. There’ s no hope. I should just face it;I’ m just a pathetic loser.

Warning Signs Actions are always the best way of judging people. In some instances, however, people can put on a false front. For this reason, it is important to be around someone for a long time to allow trust to develop. As you observe the person under all types of situations, most importantly stressful, challenging, and unfortunate situations, you will better understand the person. If he buckles under pressure and resorts to excuses and attacks others, he is likely to end up trying to manipulate and attack you. If he responds with grace, dignity, and integrity and gets over bad luck or his own mistakes or shortcomings, he is likely to be more forgiving of your mistakes and shortcomings.

The following warning signs are like symptoms of a disease. One sign does not make the disease. A doctor takes into consideration the complete picture, and symptoms only help the doctor put the puzzle together faster. Keep in mind, that as often as doctors misdiagnose patients, you may misdiagnose people too.                                    

Unstable work history. Serious criminal history. Extremely prejudiced against authority. Excessive financial debts due to luxury purchases. Unsafe and confrontational driving habits. Lack of friends and social network or hundreds of only superficial acquaintances. Poor hygiene and unclean living environment. Overly drawn to free offers and short cuts. Vulnerable to cons and aggressive sales pitches. Frequently lies, makes assumptions, or exaggerates. Short attention span. Easily distracted and bored. Makes grandiose resolutions and promises. Talks about starting over fresh. Hard drug and/or heavy alcohol dependency. Undependable. Always shows up late or forgets about appointments. Easily loses temper. Abusive toward animals and children or spoils them. Makes fun of others. During playful competition, uses trash talk or belittles your game. Laughs when others make mistakes or hurt themselves. Makes fun of people based on their size, age, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, economic class, religion, nationality, or disability. Jokes about being an insensitive, selfish, or egotistical jerk. Associates with people who are manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Drawn to people with low self-esteem and personal problems. Excessively accommodating or selfless up front. Offers big gifts and huge favors up front. Asks for money or loans up front. Discloses too much personal information up front or avoids talking about himself. Speaks poorly of past relations. Spreads malicious gossip. Shares other people’ s secrets or embarrassing information. Talks about often being screwed, burned, or stabbed in the back. Unable to let problems or arguments go. Keeps bringing up the past. Frequently plays practical jokes and enjoys screwing with people’ s minds. Admits to being a perfectionist, overly demanding, or overly competitive. Prefers to be proven right and win the argument than keep the peace. Constantly trying to change or improve you. 17

 Constantly judging, criticizing, or picking apart your behavior and the behavior of others.  Tends to use ridiculing words like: Stupid, absurd, ridiculous, idiotic, pathetic, shameful, grotesque, sickening, etc.  Always complains about unfairness and being victimized.  Does not question or stop inappropriate behavior.  Avoids conflict or always tries too hard to make light of a conflict or change the subject.  Cannot argue without getting angry or frustrated.

Dominant Versus Submissive Manipulators Most people think of manipulative and controlling people as always the person in charge: the leader, boss, or organizer. People also think that their followers and subordinates are victims and helpless. Manipulative and controlling behavior, however, is a coordinated and co-dependent effort. Dominant manipulators do not choose assertive followers, and at the same time, a submissive manipulator avoids assertive leaders. The two extremes are rather drawn to each other. As a dominant manipulator, it may seem wonderful to have a docile, subservient, submissive, “yes-man”follower sacrificing and dedicating himself to you. Unfortunately, the submissive manipulator is not as sacrificial as he seems. He must somehow fulfill his own needs and deal with his own problems, but he does all this behind your back. This is a dishonest and destructive relationship. At the same time, when you get in the habit of being bossy and insensitive, it becomes more and more difficult for you to make new friends and contacts. Not only does your follower become more dependent on you, but you also become more dependent on him. As a submissive manipulator, it may seem nice to have a strong, aggressive, take charge, dominant leader standing up for you and protecting you. Unfortunately, the dominant manipulator is not as protective as he seems. He will take you and your sacrifices for granted, and the more you give, the more he will take and despise you. While you are getting in the habit of being subservient and selfless, others will also try to take advantage of you. The safest and most rewarding relationship is one of equal partners negotiating, sharing, and understanding each other. Too often, when we meet people, we try too hard to appease and avoid conflict. From the very first point of contact, you should set the stage for a mature and respectful relationship. When you assert yourself and protect your interests, you are not coming across as either rude or arrogant;you are coming across as an equal partner interested in a long-term, mutually rewarding relationship.

Pro-Active Relationship-Building Strategies Some people are manipulative and controlling out of habit. They may even admit to hating others who are manipulative and controlling. Unfortunately, no one has taught them otherwise. In many cases, they are open and willing to change, but they cannot dump one habit without replacing it with another. The following social habits are not only designed to replace manipulative and controlling behavior but build meaningful and rewarding relationships. 1.

Assert your rights. Do not compromise. No one should be expected to enforce his rights all the time, but be vigilant. Letting go of one right, one day does not mean giving it up forever.

Remain calm and in control. Do not make a bad situation worse by losing your cool. Express your emotions when the other party is listening not when the other party has lost their cool.

Keep all things in proper perspective. Take a step back and look at the problem from different angles and perspectives to truly determine its gravity and dimension, but donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t avoid the problem all together. Talk problems out. Things sometimes come out differently when we hear it as opposed to when we think it.

Know yourself. Do not allow one single person to define you. We all define ourselves by how others interpret us, but it is only from people we trust. It is also a combination of many different views not just one. Also understand that we are dynamic, changing, and thinking beings that are capable of great transformations. The more you know yourself, the less likely others will tell you what to think, how to feel, and what to do.

Focus on the whole picture, results, cause and effect, and action and consequence. This will allow you to be more resourceful and find more solutions to problems. It also allows you to see the end product of destructive behavior. Time is a chain of events not broken bits and pieces. By living in a world of broken bits and pieces, there is no accountability for any action. In this world, we take no responsibility, and we always have an excuse for our problems and failures.

Maintain social contacts. Do not allow one person to take over your social life. Although that one person may not get along with everyone else you know, do not allow him to insult and disrespect others in your life. Keep in mind that there are always two sides to every story. Take days off from each other now and then to regain perspective.

Take charge of conversations, your relationships, and your life. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; s easy and tempting to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but this only invites others to take control. Only when there is trust and respect can you then share control.

Don’t take everything personally. Don’ t focus on yourself. Keep in mind the problems of others and how they will attempt to take focus off them by placing it on you. If you are dumped, it is the mix of the two that failed and not just you. Don’ t think of an attacker as an enemy but as a threat. One avoids a threat, but people tend to obsess about an enemy and attempt to destroy him.

Take appropriate responsibility. If you made a mistake, own up to it. By avoiding responsibility, you become more vulnerable to the offensive tactics of guilt, and this just gives manipulators more ammunition. Taking responsibility also empowers you to take control of your life and relationships.

10.

Be open-minded. Violence occurs when options run out. By always staying open-minded, we allow our minds to fully explore all possibilities before settling on impulse. But don’ t be overly open-minded. Commit to your choices and follow through.

11.

Be consistent. If one day you allow someone to step all over you, and the next day you tell them it’ s your turn to step all over him, the relationship goes nowhere. Consistency builds credibility and trust.

12.

Be positive. Studies have shown that having a positive or negative frame of mind directly affects our bodies, our health, our immune system, and ultimately our well-being. Negative thinking does have its advantage. It allows us to focus on one single task and one single method continually. In today’ s world, however, there is so much information and so many resources, that we no longer need to do things only one way. Being positive opens up our doors to the world of possibilities.

13.

Take the higher ground. It’ s easier to give into our fears and insecurities and be destructive. When someone is rude to us, we would enjoy watching him fall and suffer. The higher ground, however, strengthens us. It provides us with the backbone to endure hardship. We also unconsciously tend to treat ourselves better. Many criminals do not waste their stolen money, because they are poor financial managers. Many throw it away, because they are unconsciously guilty. They do not truly feel that they deserve the wealth, so they splurge. Treat yourself with respect and integrity, and you will always be motivated to serve yourself well.

14.

Forgiveness. You can manage conflict more effectively if you understand the power of forgiveness. People make mistakes, and you make mistakes. Without forgiveness, we are more likely to avoid conflicts, allow them to fester, and end up stabbing each other in the back. We are also more likely to take things personally and become more irrational. Practicing forgiveness is like relationship insurance: it allows us to relax, face our problems, and deal with conflict without fear of revenge. It enables us to grow.

You have probably figured it out by now. The secret to staying safe lies in being a responsible, self-disciplined, ethical, open-minded person who asserts his or her rights with confidence and consistency. These character traits help build relationships that are constructive, respectful, long lasting, and mutually rewarding. Staying safe is simply about effectively managing relationships with other people. The majority of violence in this world would be eliminated if we could all learn these basic skills. So why donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t we? Every now and then people of great character and vision remind us of these skills. They may be religious leaders, politicians, community leaders, or a really good parent, teacher, or mentor. The world is filled with them, but often we end up listening to those who spin the gospel of hatred, self-gratification, violence, separatism, intolerance, and destruction. Our own fears and insecurities are more receptive to the sound of a scream than the sound of a soothing, sage voice. Our entertainment industry has picked up on this very astutely and targeted our fears and insecurities with dandruff, diet, and acne commercials. Soap operas focus on destructive relationship habits and wrestling matches focus on physical violence. We are surrounded by images of destruction and violence. The antidote to this is not censorship but empowerment. The more powerful we are, the less insecure we are. The less insecure we are, the less vulnerable we are to violence and destruction. Now you have the basic tools necessary to identify and resist psychological manipulation. This is not one of those miracle lotions that work over night for $29.95, and you get a free tote bag to put it in. It takes discipline, setbacks, comebacks, upsets, and hard work. But keep in mind that the hard work that goes into building strong relationships is what makes them so meaningful and worthy. Being attentive to a garden is what makes us so attached to it. We may think a store-bought flower is pretty, but we cherish the flowers we seed, water, and nurture with our hearts.