Vocab Challenge: “Sorry”

Elsa Zepeda Staff Writer

The number of purposeful offenses most people commit on a daily basis is staggering— at least, that’s what the amount of times the average person apologizes every day seems to suggest.

“Sorry” is the automatic, and subsequently expected, response for every inconvenient situation, ranging from saying something insensitive to merely walking into someone in the hallway.

However, it’s also automatic at times when a problem isn’t someone’s fault, or when no real problem was created, like asking a question or being walked into. In these cases, the inconvenience being apologized for is our existence.

Most people who over-apologize do so to appear more likable and avoid conflict, but this can backfire when it makes us excessively passive. According to an article by professor Melody Wilding from Hunter College, over-apologizing “is a bad habit that can undermine your authority, and more importantly, [hurt] your self-esteem.” In fact, the European Journal of Social Psychology published a paper suggesting that refraining from apologizing actually increases self-esteem.

Frequent apologies also take value away from moments when an apology is necessary. Apologies hold less meaning for both the person offering and the person receiving them when they are out of habit rather than actual remorse, regardless of whether the apology is genuine.

One factor that contributes to over-apologizing is gender roles. Although it’s assumed that people assigned female at birth generally apologize more often, a 2010 study on the topic found that the difference stemmed from what participants considered an apologyworthy offense—in short, society has taught people assigned female at birth that they have more to apologize for.

A good way to reduce over-apologizing is to substitute more assertive phrases for it.

Therapist Shahar Lawrence says that most apologies can be replaced with gratitude: “A great way to change the perspective on ‘I’m sorry’ is saying ‘thank you’ instead.” For example, “Sorry I’m late” can become “Thanks for waiting for me.”

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