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Houdini in St. Paul Stories & Poems by Danny Klecko
Š 2014 Kraken Press; all rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-63415-869-5
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For Your Delectation Houdini In Saint Paul: An Explanation............................................5 I Want To Go To Church With You .................................................7 Hitmen in the Kitchen ...................................................................8 Jesus & Houdini .............................................................................9 The Witch of Hastings..................................................................10 Here Comes The Moon................................................................11 South Dakota Ranch ....................................................................12 What You Learn Working A Tradeshow Booth Next To A Beauty Queen*.........................................................................................13 What You Learn Working A Tradeshow Booth Next To A Munchkin*...................................................................................14 Good Night Sasha ........................................................................15 Sometimes It's Enough ................................................................16 In the Bathroom of a Czech Beer Hall .........................................17 Driving a Granddaughter Halfway to Nebraska ...........................18 On the Other Side of Blackwell, Oklahoma .................................19 Best Day Ever ...............................................................................21 Republican National Convention .................................................22 Baking for the Pope .....................................................................23 If We Were A Norman Rockwell Painting ....................................24 Digging Graves with Precision .....................................................25 I Have a Secret .............................................................................26 Alison Aten Is The Kindest Person I Know ...................................27 Fight of the Century ....................................................................28 Along the Kansas River ................................................................29 Worshiping A Goddess ................................................................30 Guy Rule #167 .............................................................................31 Showdown with the English ........................................................32 Straight Out of Inglewood ...........................................................33 The Karma Bus .............................................................................34 Drunk Tank ..................................................................................35 3
Saturday Night Sleep Over At A Lutheran Kid's House ................36 @ Golden Chow Mein .................................................................37 You Should Be My Harper Lee .....................................................38
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Houdini In Saint Paul: An Explanation From an early age, Danny Klecko enjoyed doing magic tricks, performing for friends and in clubs. His hero was Harry Houdini, world-famous escape artist. He often thought, how strange to be fascinated by an art form that had nothing to do with his home city of St. Paul, Minnesota. What Klecko did not know is that St. Paul played a pivotal role in the career of Houdini, and the creation of the new art form. At age 25, illusionist Harry Houdini was on the verge of quitting as a performer. He had tried everything – card tricks, acrobatics, hypnotism, even dancing marionettes. Nothing was working for him, and he decided, backstage at a beer hall in our city, to drop his magic act and take a regular job. An impresario named Martin Beck was in the audience at this unnamed saloon. Beck seemed to see something in the young Houdini. Beck owned and managed the Orpheum Theater in San Francisco. He challenged Houdini to try something new, escaping from several different pairs of handcuffs. Houdini accepted the challenge, and was successful in making the escapes. The next day, from Chicago, Beck sent Houdini this telegram: "You can open Omaha March twenty sixth sixty dollars, will see act probably make you proposition for all next season." That offer started Houdini on his true career, as escape artist. For the next 27 years, Houdini made his reputation as one of the world’s top celebrities. Houdini, by all accounts, had many talents. So how was it that Martin Beck, whom some credit with the invention and 5
development of vaudeville, envisioned an act that had never before been performed – the act of escaping from various forms of dangerous confinement, in clear sight of others? What was there about “escape” that thrilled the century getting underway? Interesting questions! But none as moving, to Danny Klecko, as the realization that his life hero, who had no family or history locally, turned his life around right here in his home town, in 1899, in a saloon on Wabash Avenue. Mike Finley June, 2014
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I Want To Go To Church With You I want to go to church with you Sunday mornings But not the liberal kind Where people wear flip flops during summer And bring Diet Coke into the sanctuary I'll wear suits And ties throughout August You'll wear modest dresses Listening to the old time gospel Fanning ourselves with bulletins And when the preacher takes the pulpit Reigning hellfire and brimstone You'll plead to God for salvation While I thank the angels for the special attention You gave me Saturday night
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Hitmen in the Kitchen About a month before I moved out of my parent’s house Two hitmen stood in our kitchen They were high school friends of my mother’s second husband Visiting on a one night layover Wearing Italian suits that cost more than my car When the whiskey bottle was empty The ashtrays full The contract killers hinted It would be convenient to crash at our place My mother answered, by not answering The following morning she entertained whimsy By trying to imagine the daily routine of an assassin Deducing that they probably took their meals at restaurants Their love from pay dates And you just had to figure, they had all their laundry sent out I thought about it for a second, looking up from my cereal bowl Replying, if I had to make people disappear for a living I’d wash my own clothes to bring some normalcy to life We both laughed Until our eyes met, then we became frightened
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Jesus & Houdini In second grade, through a cracked door I overheard the guidance counselor tell my mother "We don't think he's retarded...but" As she closed the office door completely It left me to wonder If this announcement Should cause shame or relief Next they ran a battery of tests That concluded with the question "What type of man do you admire?" I responded "Jesus and Houdini" The kid-shrink smiled as she turned to my mother With the following prognosis: "It's fortunate you have a child of faith Churches now days have great social service programs" At that, my mother terminated the interview As we climbed into the car and I fastened my seat belt I could see she was frustrated When I asked if I did something wrong She nearly cried and hugged me really tight While telling me "I'll find some money somewhere To get you those magic lessons I'd rather take my chances with the magician"
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The Witch of Hastings Offered me tea on the porch A beverage I felt awkward handling Even so, I clutched the dainty cup Realizing it was my alternative to departure She told me she was a lazy witch Never taking time to memorize spells Kind of like a Christian That doesn't learn their scriptures Then we sat in silence And as I slurped my Earl Grey I couldn't help but think My Priest would damn her theology My wife might scorn her beauty But neither of them would understand It was her calm that held me captive
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Here Comes The Moon Because vampires keep me awake With their chronic complaints Let’s drive tonight Because you ally with darkness I'll close my eyes and point to the map Let’s drive tonight Because a California vacation would be too predictable Fate might choose Iowa Knowing nowhere is further from civilization And when we get there, with nothing to do We should drink red wine in a parking lot Distracting ourselves with the kind of conversation You only have sitting on the world’s sidelines And if we should stay awake Until the moment the sun begins to rise Maybe you could let me know What life has planned for me
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South Dakota Ranch He was lucky to be alone At the windbreak with the red headed girl Surrounded by discarded beer cans A byproduct of her parents’ marriage Bats swooped She made a fire Only half the buttons on her blouse were employed Oh what he wouldn't have given... But the following day he would return to the city Knowing return was doubtful
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What You Learn Working A Tradeshow Booth Next To A Beauty Queen* Nothing beats winning Miss Minnesota / USA In your first attempt Judges seem to prefer contestants From small towns When you win your states competition People you’ve never met offer you $10 000 worth Of free dental work Nothing is more demoralizing than losing A nationally televised pageant to a woman Named Shandi who goes on to become A sideline reporter for a CBS tournament blackjack series If you wear your tiara through the Taco Bell drive thru Chances are you will get your burrito for free
* Jessica Dereschuk, Miss Minnesota USA
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What You Learn Working A Tradeshow Booth Next To A Munchkin* At 18 he appeared in shows with Mae West While under contract with MGM he went to school with Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney It was Garland who actually invited him onto the Oz set He marched as a Munchkin soldier and was the candy striped fiddler That escorted Dorothy down the yellow brick road towards Emerald City After retiring he worked charities to raise money for the Saint Louis Police Department This is where he met Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire, the two men became friends When asked if calling him a Munchkin was politically incorrect He responded, you are what you are And I am a Munchkin
* Mickey Carroll, Munchkin from Oz
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Good Night Sasha A message was sent to me from the United Arab Emirates From a woman that was my interpreter in Siberia Informing me that our bodyguard from the diamond pits Had recently been found dead When I asked how he died She replied, such details are never revealed When I asked if there was family I could pass my sympathies to I was told, protectors seldom leave a forwarding address
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Sometimes It's Enough I got drunk with Ukrainians At a cafe in Sochi They confessed Ukraine didn't have an economy Strong enough to support its people However.... they contended Nothing brought them more joy Than pissing off Moscow
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In the Bathroom of a Czech Beer Hall I kept my eyes shut Toweling off droplets Running down my face When I opened my eyes There stood a woman I thought I entered the wrong restroom Until I noticed a urinal My mind shuffled Booze and bewilderment Until clarity surfaced This lady was transgender My shock was apparent Reflected by her reaction She had frozen in a flinch I had caused shame How does a guy apologize For involuntary actions Having no solution I placed my hand on her shoulder Letting several moments pass in silence Before smiling And asking her If she wanted to share my soap
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Driving a Granddaughter Halfway to Nebraska Madison Rose, Do you remember – I wasn't scheduled to be your chauffeur But your Grandmother had strep And handed me a Google map Containing directions to the meeting place Where your parents would pick you up For the next five hours We sang songs about Jesus And cats pooping on the bed But mostly cats Pooping on the bed
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On the Other Side of Blackwell, Oklahoma A rusted Impala pulled over The white kid hopped Into the front seat Passenger side The Sedan was occupied By tired Indians And the tools they used Restoring barns across the panhandle On the back floor A body lay motionless Matted hair across his face Questions weren't asked Marlboros were passed around Everybody smoked Visibility was limited Too cold to crack the windows Finally, the body stirred, moaned Rolled to one side After he emptied his bladder On the car floor he announced I am Johnny Loud Thunder My sons are taking me to Texas So I can depart from this world From the place where I entered When it was time to separate The driver gave the white kid two dollars The brothers offered well wishes And a pack of cigarettes 19
Johnny Loud Thunder smiled weakly Then chanted a final blessing As the kid returned to the shoulder Processing the gifts that had been given
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Best Day Ever OK, it’s not a poem But you have to respect That I'm giving up a page in this book To remind you That I still remember the day we drank gin and tonics Surrounded by goats and sunshine When I think about it I smirk
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Republican National Convention When the RNC came to the Capital City Municipal workers constructed a holding pen A huge cage attached to the police station Just outside the window of our bakery Over the course of a week Lunch time was met with anticipation The bakers born in St Paul constructed crude banners Offering encouragement to howling protesters pent up While the Mexican born bakers asked amongst themselves What is there to protest...when you get to live in America
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Baking for the Pope Many years ago I dreamed I unloaded an oven full of bread Knowing in my heart I baked them for the Vatican I told no one The following day a letter arrived at the bakery From Arch Bishop Flynn Personally addressed to me The envelope was impressive With its fancy archdiocesan logo Our office manager asked What the Vatican wanted I didn't answer, even though I knew For days I kept the letter hidden, unopened Searching for the perfect moment And when that moment came I confessed everything to my wife Handing her the letter so she could be the first to read it A minute passed She seemed overwhelmed with sadness Looking me in the eye to say "The Bishop likes your marble rye"
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If We Were A Norman Rockwell Painting I imagine our likeness would be captured Outside an ice cream shop In ideal weather Where I would find comfort In the predictability of ordering a vanilla cone You on the other hand Would place your faith in flavors never sampled Knowing that after one lick If your eyes announced disappointment I would swap you my vanilla, for the thousandth time
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Digging Graves with Precision She said, "Everybody on a farm has a job And when I was a young girl My responsibility was to bury dead animals I'll have you know there's a hell of a difference In the size of your graves, when the departed range From cats to calves As time passed, I felt additional responsibility It wasn't enough to just put them underground I wanted to perform funerals Often times I'd invite people, but nobody ever came Burials became backlogged when I started writing personal eulogies That's when my mother put her foot down She marched me into the kitchen And in front of the entire family, I was fired" I said, Did your job get replaced with a new one? She said, "No, my father negotiated my return He didn't see what all the fuss was about After all, none of those bodies were going anywhere"
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I Have a Secret I don't believe in Bigfoot But she does And travels to the woods on Fridays Hoping to catch a glimpse What I wouldn't give To be included on these excursions Sharing in adventures Filled with sunshine and silence When dusk arrives; she might announce If the monster remains unseen We could set camp along the river And stay throughout the night Prompting me to enter her tent Zipping our sleeping bags together Praying to God with all my heart That the furry bastard stays away until sunrise
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Alison Aten Is The Kindest Person I Know She is Christian She is Muslim She is Wicca I have no clue what any of that means But I love her with all my heart
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Fight of the Century My father only hung out with me once when I was a kid. It was a Monday and he took me to the Metropolitan Sports Center to watch the first Ali / Frazier fight. This was way before cable television, so it turns out that I was one of only 17 000 people in Minnesota that got to witness this historic event. The arena was filled with cigar smoke and old men wearing plaid sports coats. I was the only child in attendance. Ali was an undefeated champion, but stripped of his title for refusing to enlist in the military. Frazier was the current champ and had annihilated all of his previous opponents. The entire planet waited to see who would win. When the fight was over, and most of the crowd had filed out, my father didn't want to leave, so the two of us sat there watching the cleaning crew prepare to start their shift. Finally my dad looked up and confessed in an awkward voice: "When you get older, you're going to realize that I'm a shitty father, but I do hope you will remember that I had two tickets to the fight of the century and I wanted to watch it with you."
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Along the Kansas River I hitched into Lawrence Kansas at daybreak on a Sunday morning and I don't know if there has ever been a time I've felt more alone. I bought a pack of cigarettes and decided to get some rest down by the riverbank. When I woke up an old man and his dog were sitting not too far from me. We shared my cigarettes and stared across the river. As we huffed and puffed, I asked if we were officially in the Bible Belt. The old man smiled and pointed across the river to a preacher and a group of mostly young people wading into the current wearing choir robes. First in line was a beautiful young convert that gave me the notion that she might have an "interesting" past. The young woman seemed excited and nervous. The preacher put one hand between her shoulder blades, and the other lightly over her face before dunking her under the water. As she stood straight up, her face was beaming as the wet robe was clinging to her so tight that even the on looking angels had to be blushing. The old man began to cackle and I'm not sure if he was talking to me or the hound when he said: "If that pretty young thing was in my congregation, I'd baptize her every day."
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Worshiping A Goddess 93% of the arrows Pulled from Cupid's quiver Are targeted towards a woman’s heart Before her evening begins Therefore prospective suitors Don't try to cultivate romance With sensitivity or clever conversation Just stand in the hallway, and keep your mouth shut And while she finishes applying make up Position yourself behind her Placing your hands upon her hips And when she finishes with the Chanel Pull her close Bury your face softly in her neck Realizing its still in your best interest To keep your mouth shut
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Guy Rule #167 When a guy has an extra ticket And invites you to the ballpark Protocol dictates that he's gonna drive Knowing you are obligated to pay for parking And fetch the first round of beers And on those occasions When this friend that brought you Is actually more of an acquaintance It’s pointless to consider How many of his closer buddies Passed before you accepted Because sometimes it’s just good enough To eat peanuts in the sunshine And know that you are in the rotation
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Showdown with the English I'd been driving for hours It was six below zero, and I was surprised how slippery Dirt roads could become As I approached my final turn off A vacant highway along the State line I pulled into the intersection Wanting to turn left But across the highway Preparing to exit Iowa Was an Amish woman in a buggy She had the right of way For reasons unknown, she refused to cross So I too sat motionless, idling While the two of us engaged in quiet dialogue Consisting of stares And a flashing blinker Columns of steam rose from the horses nostrils And I begin to realize If an agreement wasn't negotiated She'd crush me with patience And simply wait for my gas tank to run dry
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Straight Out of Inglewood It's either my first memory Or a dream planted in my mind Either way I'll go to the grave Never knowing for sure California was the launching point Touchdown, Minneapolis Yet somewhere outside Salt Lake City We crashed I found myself lying on a table Face up, ribs broken I don't remember pain But I was alone Frightened Confused My mind processed many things I was too young to talk Then I saw a woman float over me She looked like Doris Day There was an aura of light from behind She was a guardian angel I've spoken of this several times Each time without exception The person listening pointed out What I saw was induced by medication \ They might be correct But they weren't there So I'm going to stick with my angelic savior And speak of this no more 33
The Karma Bus Nobody remembers boarding The experience unfolds like an episode of Twilight Zone You simply open your eyes And find yourself alone Just above the windows there are tiny billboards Advertising fantastic destinations commuters will visit Provided that their affairs are in order And hatred has been removed from their heart I always seem to find myself in the backseat Wondering if it’s a bad omen That my palms refuse to stop sweating And seat belts aren't provided
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Drunk Tank In the city of New Hope When juveniles are arrested for drunk and disorderly They are placed alone, in small holding cells Such was my fate after an evening with a liter of Seagram's 7 And a late night misunderstanding with local authorities I woke up on concrete, inside of a cage Needing a diversion A cop leaned through the bars and asked If I believed in the rapture Having nothing better to do I replied "Maybe" The cop laughed before asking "Wouldn't it be too bad if Jesus came back And took the entire police department to heaven And you were stuck here in that cell for eternity?" Through my fog I professed confidence in my salvation Yelling down the corridor "I love Jesus, and have asked to be forgiven" But the cop was gone No voices, no footsteps That’s when the cell began to spin And I knew I was going to be sick
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Saturday Night Sleep Over At A Lutheran Kid's House It wasn't the five smooth stones That toppled the giant Nor was it the shepherd boy’s accuracy Goliath was stupid He prayed to Dagon A fish worshiped by Philistines How can a God save you If it has no arms Limbs are generally a minimal requirement And to think my Sunday school teacher Viewed David as an underdog I liked his odds from the very beginning
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@ Golden Chow Mein In the middle of the dining room Slumped over a table A man in a security uniform Thumbed through a religious pamphlet A woman bent with purpose Entered the restaurant and joined him The very instant she sat down Negotiations seemed irrelevant Grabbing the Watchtower magazine from his hand She held it overhead and shook it violently Screaming a plea of passion "THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I DO" The security guard sat motionless Grabbing a fortune cookie wrapped in cellophane Then slid it across the table Before leaving without a word
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You Should Be My Harper Lee I'd transport you across state lines Visiting destinations you never considered Exposing your beauty to a criminal element That would accept you without question When we enter V.I.P. events Couples will whisper That you are the intelligent one And I the distraction While you sleep I'll write my greatest novel Signing your name on the cover Even though, both of us would like your version better
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