warrior forwarriors A
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yan Haugen knows what gun oil tastes like.
He knows this because he also knows what it feels like to hold the barrel of a pistol in his mouth, and what goes through your mind when you’re nearly ready to pull the trigger. He’d just been fired from a series of jobs. He’d spent years struggling with the emotional trauma of a sexual assault suffered while serving in the military. The fallout from post-traumatic stress—re-living the nightmare—was chipping away at his marriage. A Shawn Mullins song, “Twin Rocks Oregon,” played in the background: I came here to watch the sun disappear into the ocean ... “I was crying and screaming, and I could feel my eyes bulging out of my head,” he says. “I was terrified I was actually going to go through with it. But I was also terrified of not going through with it.” After an hour of finger-on-the-trigger contemplation, he put the gun away. And he’d never be the same. “It's like I died and was reborn as a different person,” he says, “without pulling the trigger.” Today, Haugen is the driving force behind The Silent Warrior Project, a meditation- and mindfulness-based suicide-prevention program helping veterans find peace and avoid the scenario in which he found himself. His advocacy couldn’t have come at a better time. A Brown University study published in June found that veterans are 1.5 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-veterans. It’s a problem. All Haugen wants to do now is help fix it.
20
TODAY
FALL 2021
TODAY.MNSU.EDU
Ryan Haugen ’02 is a fierce advocate for helping veterans avoid suicide By Robb Murray ’95
Navy Man Hoping to find adventure and money for college, Haugen enlisted in the U.S. Navy. He found both, and spent four years seeing the world from the deck of a Navy ship. But his most impactful military experience had nothing to do with basic training or missions. One night, while blackout drunk, Haugen endured a sexual assault that would have a catastrophic impact on his life. No suspects, no one charged. “I self-medicated with booze and promiscuity to recover from that,” he says. “And that resulted in a lot of consequences like losing rank and restriction to the ship. Then my commanding officer said, ‘Get sober or get out of the military.’ And then I landed in treatment for two months.” After an honorable discharge, Haugen attended Minnesota State University, Mankato, graduating in 2002 with a degree in marketing. He bounced around to a series of jobs and struggled to find stability and sobriety. After a few relapses, Haugen bested that foe for good in April 2007. His other demon, however—nightmares, anxiety and depression stemming from his sexual assault—proved more vexing. That battle came to a head in his bedroom that day with the gun.
Silent Warrior Not long after that day, a new 12-step program sponsor introduced Haugen to something called “centering prayer,” a type of meditation developed by monks in which practitioners use silence to connect to a higher power. Around the same time, the VA suggested he try mindfulness-based stress reduction, another type of meditation used to treat anxiety, depression, stress, chronic pain and other afflictions. It is the combination of those two things, Haugen says, that truly set him on a
