Moms Point of View

Finding Strength, Finding Joy On Letting Go to Let Him Triumph

TWO MOMS SHARE VIEWS OF THEIR SONS’ MMA JOURNEYS.

Dr. Ann Murphy and her son John at the 2019 Senior Ring Ball

Elizabeth Royse and her son Noah at the 2020 Valentine Ball

At MMA for Valentine Weekend 2020, Elizabeth Royse was walking with another MMA mom when she saw a group of prospective parents taking a tour of campus as part of an open house.

“We were full of smiles, but they were not,” she says, commenting on the difference that struck her. “You tour campus with a heavy heart – it's a hard decision to make. I thought – this was me, a little over a year ago. I would have never dreamed that Noah would end up at military boarding school.”

She says the road getting here – to a place where her son Noah is happy and thriving – wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. “My time as part of the MMA family is one that I will be eternally thankful for,” she says. “I have my son back, and now he’s in an even better place than before.”

“Our MMA journey began with several long phone calls to the Admissions office,” she recalls. “We had questions about the school, military life and how my son might transition into the environment. A few days before we visited the Academy, a local friend of mine who knew I was considering MMA suggested I speak with another Dallas mom whose son was in

his second year at MMA. I reached out and consequently spent over an hour on the phone, mostly in tears, with someone I had never met before discussing my very personal concerns and fears.

“I felt such compassion, complete understanding and overwhelming empathy during that call and the subsequent talks that followed. We’ve only known each other a little over a year, and that mom is now one of my closest and dearest friends.

“After a four-hour tour of MMA, my son got in the car and, much to my surprise, without any prompting, he declared, ‘I like this school and this is where I want to go.’

“By the end of the next week, he was enrolled and moved into MMA. I was so immersed in all the changes he would be adjusting to that I never once stopped to imagine what coming home without him would be like for me. Within minutes of walking through my front door, I found myself in his room lying on his bed, sobbing for hours. “My life had instantaneously changed, too. The following week was spent un-enrolling him from his former school, turning in textbooks and his band uniform. I placed calls to tutors, youth group leaders and other extracurricular activities that he would no longer be attending so that they would be aware of his absence. It was beyond brutal and gut-wrenching. There was no one within my support system that could even possibly comprehend how I felt. My time volunteering for various school organizations would be no more. After a strong, 11-year presence within his school life, my son was now two states away — where I had no presence. And to make matters worse, my son was on Maroon Phase at the Academy, and I only heard from him on Sunday evenings for a short call.

“Initially, he sounded great. I knew he was quite busy but it seemed as though he was fitting right in and was adjusting well. However, shortly after the Valentine Ball a year ago, he fell prey to behavior that led to tours, loss of privileges and a negative attitude. When I was on the phone with him one evening last April, he was very down on MMA, himself and everything in general.

“He had lost just about every single thing he found value in — his phone, general leave, the ability to play baseball — and he had been moved to the first floor with no roommate. All were consequences of his own doing, but he sounded crushed. As his mom and biggest cheerleader, I tried my hardest to lift his spirits by telling him that I knew he could earn all of his privileges back, but it was up to him. He didn’t believe me, he didn't believe in himself and he didn’t believe in MMA. I asked him if he would be willing to try something for one week. I asked him to begin and end each day by sending me one thing he was grateful for. Every morning and every night for one week. That was it.

“Noah was hesitant that it would change anything, but he agreed. For the following week, he sent me something he was grateful for every morning and night. His gratitude list began that first morning with #1, ‘supportive leaders.’ That evening, he sent me #2, ‘my education.’

“I encouraged him every single day to be reflective and grateful, focusing on the positives instead of the negatives. His list continued: ‘the possible chance to play baseball again and hopefully next week,’ ‘I’m grateful to begin earning things back at MMA” and ‘for being alive.’ “One morning his entry broke my heart as he wrote me that he was grateful for ‘nothing.’ I cried knowing he was having a rough start to his day. I prayed he would turn his attitude around. Later that day, he changed it to ‘the support and love of the best mom in the world.’

“The entries continued that week: • ‘How fortunate I am’ • ‘Knowing I can make it after I get over some bumps in the road’ • ‘Talking with Colonel Grabowski tonight’ • ‘A school that gives me the opportunity to succeed’ • And his very last entry — ‘Getting myself on the right track’ “I was absolutely blown away. He began to realize that it is very difficult to remain negative when you focus on the positives. It is easier to believe in yourself when you hold onto all that one has to be grateful for. He started to believe in himself and MMA. He earned privileges back, and at the end of the year, he said, ‘I never thought I would say this, but I am going to miss MMA this summer.’

“Today, as a senior, his grades continue to be better than they have ever been since leaving his former school. He has worked hard, kept himself out of trouble and been promoted several times. He was invited to participate in the Lunch Buddy program and is paying it forward by mentoring youth.

“He holds a leadership position and is a proud cadet in Band Company. He values his leaders, teachers and mentors. And, as an only child, he now has all the brothers and more that he has always wanted. As he looks forward to options for college, he realizes how much he owes to MMA and he is so very grateful. Noah told me that, ‘MMA has shaped my future causing me to be who I am today — a leader, a mentor, a brother and a friend.’

“For me, I have found a new place to volunteer and friends that have become like family to me. I can’t imagine life without them or MMA. The hardest decision ended up being the very best decision. I am proud of all the qualities that Noah has discovered about himself — discipline, selfconfidence, character, integrity, accountability, determination, perseverance, resilience, responsibility and love. I am eternally grateful. My only regret is that we didn’t find MMA sooner.”

Dr. Ann Murphy with her sons Cadet John Murphy '20, left, and alumnus Paul Murphy ’18

Cadet Paul Murphy'18 escorts his date during the 2018 Valentine Ball.

John has come 180 degrees from hating the school he was forced to go to, to admitting how much better off he is for attending MMA. – Dr. Ann Murphy, MMA mom “ “

“I have been extremely happy with choosing MMA for two of my sons,” says MMA mom Dr. Ann Murphy. “My oldest son, Paul, graduated from MMA in the spring of 2018, and my son John is a senior there.

“Neither of my sons chose to go to MMA. In fact, it was quite a fight to get them there. Paul visited MMA in the winter of his eighth-grade year to see if it could get him on track — to see if it would motivate him to do his schoolwork, to see if I might still be able to have a relationship with him that wasn’t based on screaming at him to get his work done.

“John saw his brother go to MMA and wanted nothing to do with it. John likes schoolwork and learning. He started at a private Jesuit all-boys high school in Kansas City and was doing well but wanted to be involved in absolutely everything. He needed to step back, arrange his priorities and concentrate on doing a few things well instead of doing everything average or subpar. But we as his parents were the last people he wanted to take advice from. He felt he knew what was best for himself at 16 years old and that no one else knew better.

“We sent John to MMA during spring break of his sophomore year. He couldn’t have been more unhappy. He vowed he would never talk to me nor come home to live with me again.

“Despite that, John had a fresh start. He has been able to do well in school, earning all A’s. He participates in and loves choir and theater. MMA didn’t have theater, but faculty worked with us on teaming John up with Presser Arts Center, the Mexico community theater, and John has been in several plays there.

“Presser has been a wonderful experience for John. He now admits that the community theater there is better than his previous high school theater, which is quite good. With Presser, he gets to work with such a wide variety of people from all walks of life and all ages. He has made many new friends and connections that will serve him well in his future. And other cadets at MMA started helping out at Presser with lighting and sound and backstage work. This was a win-win situation for the community; the cadets get involved at Presser, and Presser educates the cadets. Now, people from Presser even come to MMA to teach.

“John had qualified for the state vocal competition at his previous high school. MMA and the Academy Choir Director Rob McGrath worked to make sure John competed and got a gold medal — a 1 — ranking. MMA also allowed John to take private vocal lessons from Presser instructors, and now several other cadets are furthering their musical careers by taking private voice lessons. “John was introduced to business with Peggy Reynard, and he joined the Future Business Leaders of America club and did well in their competitions. He plans on pursuing business and music in college.

“But the biggest lessons MMA taught both my sons wasn’t in academics, though they’ve always made academics a priority; MMA taught my sons self-discipline, respect for authority and the chain of command, and leadership skills.

“It is gut-wrenching to send your young sons away to boarding school. Most outsiders who have never stepped foot on a boarding-school campus look at you like you are the worst parent ever to send your son away to a boarding military high school. If only they came to visit, they would send their sons, too.

“John’s previous high school brought in an author, Leonard Sax, to speak on his theory that parenting today is collapsing due to lack of authority and discipline. After attending that presentation, I had the courage to send John away to MMA. Before that, I had been hesitant to send John to MMA even though his older brother was already there because MMA did not have the theater and private vocal lessons that John was very interested in.

“However, if a teenager has no discipline, selfrespect nor respect for others, what does it matter that he has a perfect ACT score or is the most talented actor or singer? Raw talent and book intelligence are great, but you need the basic skill of discipline first to succeed in life. Public and private schools don’t have the capacity to teach the discipline that our children need. Although every teen is impulsive and trying to develop independence and discover who they are, there seems to be a complete lack of parental and authoritative respect in our society today. Teens nowadays cuss out their parents — even in public. I know that my teens will disagree with me, but I don’t feel that they need to cuss me out and do whatever they please despite the rules.

“MMA teaches the discipline and respect that all people need in their lives to succeed both personally or professionally. Both my sons have come home from MMA respectful gentlemen. They will state when they do not agree with me, but they also show respect for the boundaries.

As battalion commander, Cadet John Murphy ’20, at left, leads the MMA Corps of Cadets during the Mexico, Missouri, Christmas Parade.

schools when it comes to maturity, partly due to their opportunities to lead other cadets. Being president of the student council at a regular high school is no comparison to being first sergeant of a company at MMA. I had to laugh when Paul asked me if I understood how stressful it was to be responsible for a whole company of cadets. Those boys live with one another 24 hours a day, and when one of them causes trouble, it brings the whole company down. The cadets are responsible for monitoring each other and motivating one another. These responsibilities are usually learned when we become parents or bosses. Our boys are getting to learn that at a very young age and are only going to be better for it.

“John applied for high-ranking leadership positions at MMA for his senior year. He didn’t get them. That in and of itself was also a good life lesson. We don’t always get what we want, even if we feel we have worked hard for it and deserve it. John was upset and didn’t feel that MMA valued him. But he came around and decided that all positions matter and that it takes everyone working together to make the school run smoothly. So he applied himself in the position he was in to be the best at it that he could. He did well, and an opportunity arose for him to be promoted. And then another opportunity arose for him to be promoted again. Now, he is the battalion commander of the corps. He has learned and is still learning valuable leadership skills that he is applying to make the corps better. He motivates everyone to do their part. He believes that positive change occurs when everyone is involved and everyone realizes that they are each an important piece to the overall puzzle. John has come 180 degrees from hating the school he was forced to go to, to admitting how much better off he is for attending MMA. He knows the discipline and leadership skills he has obtained at the Academy put him years ahead of his peers.

“It took 21/2 years for John to admit that MMA is the right place for him. It took Paul graduating to admit that MMA was the right place for him. My sons liked to complain about MMA every time I talked to them. But I could see their growth. Teenagers push our buttons to our limits but still don’t know what is best. MMA has been the best for both of my sons!”