Missouri Deer Hunter’s Bible

These rules are intended to be studied closely and observed religiously. Read each rule by pausing for a few seconds of reflection at each comma and period in order to fully absorb what you’ve just read. Repeat each of the lessons in this manner about ten times before moving on to the next lesson, and be sure that you are confident that the correct shoot or don’t shoot decision will be automatic for you while actually hunting.

These lessons should be tackled only after you have practiced firing your weapon at inanimate targets until you are proficient at operating the weapon, judging distance, and hitting the targets. When carrying a gun, do not chamber a round until you are settled in the spot from which you plan to shoot, and whether there is a live round in the chamber or not, frequently check to assure that the safety is on.

When not actually holding your gun, be sure it is completely unloaded. When carrying a bow, do not nock an arrow until you are in the position from which you plan to shoot, and do not attach your release to the bow string or draw until you are ready to shoot. Observe all other weapon safety practices. These are lessons about actual hunting, specifically making the shoot or don’t shoot decision.

Lesson One: Common Sounds

1. If it sounds like a deer, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

2. If it sounds like a possum, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

3. If it sounds like a raccoon, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

4. If it sounds like a rabbit, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

5. If it sounds like a groundhog, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

6. If it sounds like a coyote, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

7. If it sounds like a fox, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

8. If it sounds like a turkey, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

9. If it sounds like an armadillo, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

10. If it sounds like a goat, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

11. If it sounds like a chicken, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

12. If it sounds like a rusty hinge, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

13. If it sounds like a squirrel, it’s a squirrel. Don’t shoot.

14. If it sounds like a squirrel but isn’t, it’s just the wind in the leaves. Don’t shoot.

Lesson Two: Less Common Sounds

15. If it sounds like a box turtle, it might be one or maybe two box turtles. Don’t shoot.

16. If it sounds like a goose, it might be a goose. Don’t shoot.

17. If it sounds like a wood duck, it might be a wood duck. Don’t shoot.

18. If it sounds like Ringo Starr, it might be a woodpecker. Don’t shoot.

19. If it sounds like a hawk, it might be a hawk. Don’t shoot.

20. If it sounds like an owl, it might be an owl. Don’t shoot.

21. If it sounds like a party, it might be two barred owls. Don’t shoot.

22. If it sounds like an eagle, it might be an eagle. Don’t shoot.

23. If it sounds like a screaming alto, it might be a mountain lion. Don’t shoot.

24. If it sounds like a screaming soprano, it might be a bobcat or a groundhog. Don’t shoot.

25. If it sounds like Jack Nicholson laughing, it might be a pileated woodpecker. Don’t shoot.

26. If it sounds like a Middle School orchestra and choir warming up simultaneously, it might be a pack of coyotes. Don’t shoot.

27. If it sounds like a Huey helicopter, it might be a turkey. Don’t shoot.

28. If it sounds like a quail, it might be a quail, but probably not. Don’t shoot.

29. If it sounds like a grenade going off, it might be a covey of quail flushing. Don’t shoot.

30. If it sounds like a bunch of squirrels, but they are flying, it’s a flock of blackbirds. Don’t shoot.

31. If it sounds like Mr. Creosote from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, it might be a feral hog. Don’t shoot.

32. If it sounds like children sword-fighting with wooden or plastic swords, it might be two deer sparring. Don’t shoot.

33. If it sounds like a fat basso profundo wanting or appreciating sex, it might be a deer. Don’t shoot.

34. If it sounds like a shovel scooping gravel, it might be an alarmed deer about to run. Don’t shoot.

Lesson Three: Sights

35. If you detect motion with your peripheral vision, it’s a squirrel, or it’s a bird, or it’s a floater in your eye. Don’t shoot.

36. If it is wearing anything orange or red, it might be a person. Don’t shoot.

37. If it is wearing any clothing at all, it might be a person. Don’t shoot.

38. If it looks like a Brobdingnagian rabbit wearing clothes, it’s a squirrely Easter Bunny. Don’t shoot.

39. If it looks like a drab, mostly brown Tiny Tim or Bigfoot tiptoeing through leaves quietly, it might be a deer. Don’t shoot.

40. If it looks deer-sized, is deer-colored, has four legs, and is walking sounding like a squirrel, it might be a deer. Don’t shoot.

41. If it sounds like a squirrel or a fat basso profundo or a shovel scooping gravel, has four legs, tiptoes like Tiny Tim, isn’t wearing any clothes, is deer-sized and deercolored, if you are certain that it’s a deer and that it is within your weapon’s effective range, if it is standing still broadside, if deer season for your weapon is open, if you are certain that you have an unfilled permit for the kind of deer you are looking at, if you are certain that that kind of deer is legal where you are hunting remembering antler-point rules and all other rules, if both you and the deer are on property that you are legally allowed to hunt, if you don’t have branches or trunks or stumps or wires or people or animals between you and the deer, if you are able to hold your sights still on the deer aiming just behind the shoulder and make any necessary adjustment for distance, for wind, and for up or down shooting angle (aim higher if shooting upward, lower if shooting downward), if you can see ground and no sky behind the deer, if you know that there are no buildings, vehicles, people, or other animals behind the deer, and if you have the resources to do the retrieval, field dressing, butchering, packaging, and freezing, release the gun’s safety or draw the bow. Think about all of these things one more time, then gently squeeze the trigger or release the arrow. Shoot.

Bill Powell

All photos courtesy of Bill Powell.