Age 54
TextileArtist
Outside her studio
In her textiles studio
You get to certain age and you have this process happening to you. You stop caring about what people think, because it’s too much energy to use up.
I didn't know what I was going into with the menopause. My mother's generation never spoke about it. Even when people did, it was very generic thing. When it started happening to me all I knew about was the hot flushes, but I didn't even know what hot flushes meant. When you get one it's horrendous because it is like it builds into a crescendo. Even when it goes away it's a slow let down and you don't expect that - I thought I was dying or something.
I’ve always thought of myself as a confident person. This just threw me because I started feeling unsure about stuff.Although as an artist there’s always moments of doubt, this was a different type of doubt. I couldn't read myself anymore. Wondering about my art was strange and I didn’t like feeling directionless about it.
The really low point was the Christmas just gone. I was having a period, but it was non-stop bleeding, flooding every time I moved. I happened to mention it to some friends; it was great because a number of people said “Oh yes, that happened to me” and I was like, “Well, why has no one been putting it out there!”
The rage is frightening because it’s almost uncontrollable and you don’t know what to do with it. That’s scary. I remember having a conversation about women in their 40’s and 50’s and being like, “They’re horrible, aren’t they?” I had that conversation! I feel terrible now There are certain tropes, like the “Angry Black Woman”, I don’t want to fit into, but at the same time I am really annoyed that people have set this up because you need to give us a break, this is really hard. I now think that women of that age are justifiably angry, there’s a reason why we’re annoyed. We’re not allowed to talk about it, and if you do, it’s like, “Aw, look at you, is it that time for you?”And you kind of think “Don’t do that, because it’s disrespectful.”
Black women are justified about being angry, we’re not angry about nothing, there’s a reason for it. I feel this way about being menopausal. The positive thing is it’s not about colour or creed or anything. It really pulls the women together. It connects us. I’m having some really great relationships with women my age and a little bit older. It’s a great sisterhood.That’s a huge positive.
The menopause is no respecter of colour, race, class, disability or neuro- diversity… all you need to be is female. It’s true that you can also be non-binary or trans, but it’s one of the things where it is quite empowering to be a woman. It’s horrible, I think we should be honest about it.
Jacqui
Lives