LETTERS OF CONSTRAINT an invitation to be heard
Hope, anger, vulnerability and gratitude are laid bare in these daily letters to ‘the Coronavirus’. Each morning, from 22 March to 27 April 2020 Dr Martin Glynn recorded his thoughts and feelings of a life in quarantine. Read the letters here as a diary of constraint.
22/03/20 Dear Coronavirus Snapped out of my sleep around 4.30am. I felt anxious and nervous. I suppose the uncertainty regarding you, the coronavirus pandemic has kicked in. I’ve been through many things in my life, but this feels different. Many mixed emotions; guilt at feeling better off than most, isolation from friends and family, uncertainty regarding my future, and pondering on many recycled thoughts. This is truly a moment to put things into perspective. I leapt out of bed and proceeded to put together a mindfulness guide for people working at home. I myself really need to heed its contents and operate mindfully during this time. It’s Mothers-Day today and I really miss mine. Luckily I have Jen, my loving wife. Today I have to accept that it’s pointless projecting into a future that I have absolutely no control over. I need to be kind to myself. That’s my pledge. Martin
23/03/20 Dear Coronavirus I find getting up early really gets me into the day. Mornings at the moment make me anxious as I’m trying to empty my negative thoughts about you, the dreaded virus. Being mindful is all about operating in the moment which is challenging when anxiety is so prevalent and occasionally gets the better of me. An ever present thought is the desire to make a fresh start in my life. Even though I can’t predict the Way things will be after you’re gone, it doesn’t stop me from envisioning something new for me and me and Jen. You’ve not only made me look at life differently, but a more existential thought has crept into my sub-conscious. Namely, why has it taken a crisis such as the one you’ve brought on to make human being act better towards each other. As each days passes I feel an internal shift of the desire for change reducing my anxiety. I’ve had so many unsettling thoughts of late that are at times confusing. Thought about mum yesterday, as well as feeling so grateful for the love I have in my life. Today’s the day when I feel I need to start a new regime. Martin
24/03/20 Dear Coronavirus Waking up to the news that you have put us all on lockdown has made me feel very uneasy. I have reflected on my recurrent feelings and have realised that you’ve made me realise how much I focus on certainty. We are uncertain times and should really embrace uncertainty. Even being at home full-time is a strange irony. On one hand I feel cool about not being in my university building, contrasted with the uncertainty of not knowing when things will return to normal. If there is such a thing as normal. It’s never going to happen. You have changed society forever. Very much like a science fiction scenario, this is a test of a world that has become increasingly greedy, careless, and selfish in abundance. As I have said previously am in a privileged position and need to use my talents and expertise widely and for the greater good. I’m so grateful for my wife Jen who always manages to see the positive in everything and has calmed me down massively. However, this moment is exposing my own fears and anxieties on a scale I’ve not experienced for ages. Accepting uncertainty is the lesson that you’re teaching all of us. However, not everyone will get it. Acceptance is the key to moving on. Martin
25/03/20 Dear Coronavirus Today I would describe my mood as melancholic. I slept okay with a few exceptions of disturbed sleep. Such is mid-life sleep patterns. Plus my prostate forced me to the toilet as many times. Getting up early in the morning confronts you with many mixed feelings of loss and pain. This morning I’m feeling lonely, wishing others would pick up the phone and at least say hello. However, like you, the silences that befall me, sweep over my soul like a dust storm. I reflect on this stage of my life and still struggle with having a lingering feeling of abandonment. My children aren’t in touch, never really hear from the grandkids, and still have held my great grandson. The days seem long and arduous, but I know you will be gone at some stage. You’ve made me want to renew my, life and live a different life. I want to be free of institutional stuff. I pledge to finish a chapter on my book today. You won’t rib me of that possibility. Maybe I’m accepting that in spite of the destruction you’ve brought, this is the life I now have and need to embrace it. Martin
26/03/20 Dear Coronavirus I woke up this morning dismayed, annoyed, and upset after exiting a staff meeting with other colleagues. The writer in me still clings to pen and paper, whilst this lockdown you’ve enforced has pushed me more and more online, which I hate. You’ve made me reflect on my students future prospects, which are quite grim. I hope you’re pleased with yourself. I wonder if they’re going to get jobs, or recover, or at very least have a future. I think not at this stage. Internally, I feel compromised as I am part of the very machinery that promotes false expectations in the name of higher education. This hardens my desire to move on and do something else. Not that I don’t like what I do, but profit and loss before people are not my core values. I now have a space and a platform to explore things that matter to me. So today I need to channel my energies to ensure I don’t succumb to your will. I watch out and see others behaving recklessly. When will human beings learn the lesson you’re bringing, that its people that matters. Martin
27/03/20 Dear Coronavirus The usual fuzzy feeling greeted me this morning, tinged with sadness, as I heard that my brother had been ill, alongside listening to my sister share her own pain regarding her own internal suffering. Combine this with the endless coverage about you, and I’m on the brink of ‘emotion fatigue’. However, it’s comforting finding solace in my music. Coltrane, Miles, Dizzy Reece, all give me some much needed love and attention. I like the stillness of the morning as I feel I’ve been transported in to a jazz club where I’m the only one left being serenaded. Outside is so still. In the house it’s still. Life has come to a standstill. Some good news. I received the contract for my new book. Needless to say that was one of the most uplifting things that happened that day. The figures of those dying around the world are beginning are startling and alarming in equal measure. Again a reminder that spiritually God is talking to the world and is calling time out on selfishness and demanding we listen to each other. Once again I am so grateful for Jen who lingers silently in the background providing quiet comfort at a moment of loud distress. Martin
27/03/20 Dear Coronavirus The usual fuzzy feeling greeted me this morning, tinged with sadness, as I heard that my brother had been ill, alongside listening to my sister share her own pain regarding her own internal suffering. Combine this with the endless coverage about you, and I’m on the brink of ‘emotion fatigue’. However, it’s comforting finding solace in my music. Coltrane, Miles, Dizzy Reece, all give me some much needed love and attention. I like the stillness of the morning as I feel I’ve been transported in to a jazz club where I’m the only one left being serenaded. Outside is so still. In the house it’s still. Life has come to a standstill. Some good news. I received the contract for my new book. Needless to say that was one of the most uplifting things that happened that day. The figures of those dying around the world are beginning are startling and alarming in equal measure. Again a reminder that spiritually God is talking to the world and is calling time out on selfishness and demanding we listen to each other. Once again I am so grateful for Jen who lingers silently in the background providing quiet comfort at a moment of loud distress. Martin
28/03/20 Dear Coronavirus My line manager called me yesterday which was really nice. It reminded me that there are a few people that do care and want to stay in touch outside of work. Went to the shop yesterday and a man coughed all over my back. I was livid as I was worried what could have happened. I was angry that he didn’t observe the social distance to keep me away from you. On the good side of things I sang happy birthday to my good friend Moe yesterday. As much as I experience the ups and downs of you I haven’t forget others that are important in my life. I have also continued to send poems pout to my students and am happy with the progress of my book. I need to stay focussed and positive. I do miss certain people at the moment but I can’t afford to let you get to me by moving my thoughts into the darkness, as I know what that will do for me, Again an amazing day with my wife Jen who is the constant presence in my life that makes me value what I have regardless of its size and scale. Martin
29/03/20 Dear Coronavirus A tense conversation with a student this morning reminded me of the sheer level of emotional and psychological impact that you’re having. The uncertainty, lack direction, and sheer level of insecurity you’re generating is reminding of the lack of coping skills of this generation. No amount of fancy words can shield them from a deeper reality, namely, things will never be the same again. You’ve changed the world. Oh how I would like to just exit everything and go on an adventure to a far flung planet or a deserted castle. My priorities have changed, not least me. I feel calmer and more motivated than ever to seek new ways of being. Overall, my book is not that important, but writing keeps me focussed on the need I have to feed my soul. Again, I have to pay tribute to Jen. We are now puling as team and ensuring that we are both taking care of each other. Martin
30/03/20 Dear Coronavirus Today started out calm. I went to the shops as usual to top up on supplies. It’s amazing how you’ve created a situation where I’m spending less money, am more frugal, and have realised that I can live off less. So you are teaching me something positive after all. I tried today to distance myself from thinking about you, but like a burglar I can’t help feeling you’ve violated all layers of my life. A good friend from Nottingham Called today. We had a great uplifting conversation. On the downside I had a student who was struggling. It suddenly struck me that if we don’t go back to work for at least 6 months what is it going to be for new and current students? Where do my students turn at times like this? I know you don’t care, but I do. I’ve always known we can’t go back to so called normality and personally I don’t want to. Going to take today gently and be gentle with myself. I want a calm day, a positive day, and a day where I don’t get stressed thinking about you. A shout out to all of those who are helping bring an end to your reign of terror. Martin
31/03/20 Dear Coronavirus Got up early and spent time downloading some articles for my book. Once again I tried to distance myself from you, but it was impossible. I decided to shift my focus onto my students and wrote to them again. So today I decided to focus on my students and wrote them a long email outlining what to do for the rest of the semester. I also recorded some voice over on a PowerPoint for them to use over the holiday. I’m looking forward to this moment as I will be able to focus on my book for a period of time without interruption. One things that’s emerging from your rampage is my rekindling of my poetry. It’s create another opportunity for me to engage with them and their well-being. I never thought that my old poetry would come in so handy at this moment in time. Overall I’m feeling quite philosophical at this moment in time. Someone does on our road. Condolences. I’m reminded that you’re not only destructive, but a killer. Martin
01/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Woke up around 5.30am. Nothing unusual about that. However, I slept solidly as I went to bed feeling stiff and achy. I’m not gonna lie, I did feel whether or not you’d got your claws hooked into me. Every ache and pain drives my sub-conscious into overdrive. However, the positive side of things is that I’ve suddenly become much more sensitive towards everything, the small things, the things you take for granted. I’m more mindful than ever of the things around me. Life is precious, but at times we as human beings place ourselves in situations where we forget that fact. I suppose we live very 1st world lives. Inasmuch as we are relatively comfortable and spoilt for the most part. We seldom have to face hurricanes, poisonous snakes, bush fires, earthquakes and other natural disasters, let alone tropical diseases. You make me think about my ancestors and how they coped. I’m enjoying living in the moment and glad I’m not projecting too far forward. Overall, today is more positive than negative. Martin
02/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Got up early as usual. My sleep was the usual intermittent, run to the toilet routine I’ve become accustomed to. My mind was too active today. Couldn’t switch off or shut down. I’m finding that being off my creativity knows no bounds and is flowing like larva out of a volcano. I’m reducing TV news overload as I don’t want to keep hearing about you and your wicked ways. Managing my own well-being required me to insulate myself from your doom and gloom. I do feel it for all of those which can’t escape from you, but what you’re doing is beyond my control. I’ve now completed the rough draft of my new book, which makes me very happy. Today I decided to do something different. Me and Jen played Snakes and ladders. It was seriously competitive but nuff fun. I can see I’m entering a phase where doing less and relaxing more is becoming the norm. Again, I take each day as it comes. Martin
03/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Today I woke up feeling really sad. Heard a good friend of mine lost his brother to your evil ways. My wife also lost someone you took. It’s hard at moments like this to see the positive in anything. I’m reminded of the Ingmar Bergman film ‘seventh seal’ where death plays chess with an arrogant warrior who thinks he’s cheated the inevitable. At the end of the movie death takes his celebration party down. Again, I realise that you’re trying to wipe everyone out. But what’s the lesson. People die naturally, yet you’re trying to cheat the process. Although I know the vast majority of people value their lives, but many don’t. Maybe that’s the lesson. Mum and Dad I would like thank you for giving me the tools where I can sit down and write down what I feel. Having an honest conversation with myself is really important right now. Martin
04/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Two weeks in and you’re hurting me. Feeling barricaded in my home. I’m reminded of the letters I receive from my friend Al who is locked up in prison 23 hours a day. Al is on death row. He has always told me that death row affects you more mentally than physically. Yet we are only touching a fragment of what incarcerated people go through. There is an ironic twist there. When I had the chance to go out numerous times recently I chose to stay in. Now my liberties lost I desire to go out. Such is the fickle nature of human beings, and more importantly, me. The need to hear comforting music in the morning kills of the silence of the world. Silence is usually comforting when it’s a choice. Imposed silence is just too restrictive and oppressive. Daily I change somewhat like Jekyll and Hyde. The uncertainty, fear and anxiety you bring is frightening. I normally look forward to weekend but today I want to hear less about death and more about light in the darkness. Another recycled moment of negativity. Martin
05/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Bolted out of my sleep today based on having a dream that you’d infected me. I suppose it’s my inner fear coming to the surface. I thought if only people at this time could embrace their creative selves; writing, reading, painting, crafting, baking, gardening, exercise, or anything to keep the mind and soul active. For me I’m so grateful my passion for letter writing and journaling has bene rekindled. It’s always been a passion of mine. Interestingly enough I need the right pen for the job; grip, weight, and needs to feel comfortable in my hand. Writing journals are really interesting to me as they are a mirror to what’s going on inside. The therapeutic benefits go without saying, but the contents can drag up wounds and pain from the past. However, I no longer want to be in denial about anything and have no desire to block out the negative. I need the comfort of facing my truths even if they are painful. No pain, no gain. Martin
06/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Today was a valuable lesson in uncertainty and the need to embrace it. Nothing in life is certain outside of death. Everything else is based on a complete set of variables, none of which can be totally reliable. Like most people I have been conditioned to have expectations that at times are unrealistic; job security, love, friendships, and so on, at times breed false consciousness. However, based on having a life that has been full of twists and turns , disappointments, let downs, and traumas, I am of the opinion that human beings need to stop looking for the perfect and accept the imperfect in life is as good as it gets. There is beauty is the uncomfortable if you can scrape the rust off the surface. You have made me view the world differently and for that I am grateful. In essence I realise it’s more about taking each moment as it comes and embracing the now and not focussing on what may be. It’s my view that as a species if we don’t accept that things are going to change because of you we are doomed to repeat the same mistake all over again. Martin
07/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Shopping is never easy. I get anxious in case I meet you face to face. There’s usually only a handful of people milling around early in the morning, which I like. We all look at each other suspiciously to ensure the 2 metres distance is kept. A cough always raises eyes brows and makes people sigh with frustration. Most people just want to get in and out. I know I do. When I turn the key in the lock I’m relieved. So many irrational thoughts bound into my sub-conscious brought on by you. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t survive a big disaster. I’m just too comfortable. Driving home my thoughts turn to the future. Not projecting but more about prioritising new things and gaining fresh perspectives on many things. I’m so grateful for my writing. The search for a new direction goes on. However, like the inviable story, the solution is in front of my face, but sometimes just can’t see it. Stop over thinking I tell myself like a cracked record Again, I’m struggling with being in the moment. So today I decided is my ‘stand still’ day. It’s okay to do nothing I tell myself. Well let’s see how I get on. Martin
08/04/20 Dear Coronavirus As usual I jumped onto the computer, switched my music on, and proceeded to edit my book. To my surprise I had some technical issues. That resulted in me having to make some major revision. What a pain. However, to my surprise I noticed how many gaping holes I had in the previous draft though not being careful with my editing. I then began to painstakingly rework the chapters with a more critical eye, as clarity had reared its beautiful head. After several hours of what seemed like minutes I could see what my book is going to look like. I do believe that what happened this morning was meant to happen. Now I’m back on track and have to remember when you’re writing a book that famous maxim, ‘the race is not for the swift, but for who can endure’. I’m not stupid enough to think you’ve gone away. I thought of my sister today. She’s not well. So much time not spent together. Again, you’ve taught me about the squandering of time. I can’t live with regret, but I can make sure after this is finished, I dedicated time to filling life with uplifting experiences, like sharing. However, you didn’t control my movements today. Tomorrow’s another day. Martin
09/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Feeling quite calm this morning. Having a clear focus at the beginning of the day really helps. My creativity seems to be shining a light on the darkness. I decided to go and look at my artwork this morning. Something I’ve neglected over the past few months. Dozens of pictures being stockpiled, lying dormant, like I’ve been with my beautiful pictures. I do feel bad about that. Again, this is all hindsight stuff, but I should have been out there selling them a long time ago. The artists in me has been rebooted. At this moment in time any thought of applying for research monies or doing any kind of investigation is futile. There is so little required of us academic right now, which for me is a good thing, as I’m forced to confront something bigger, namely, responding to the greater good is far more an important a necessary vocation that I want to continue long time after you’ve gone out of my life. The courage I’m finding right now needs to translate into action and be sustained. Writing books, letters, poems, creating new works of art, all needs to continue, thrive and grow. I’d like to create a new cider call Ghetto Brew, a crisp, fruit, sweet cider that packs a punch. Martin
10/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Had a good day today; calm, restful, and cool. Then a close friend revealed he was really ill. Fast forward to the evening. Noises from someone shouting and banging, kicked off my anxiety. I was transported back to the night my car got attacked. I looked though my bedroom window and watched this distressed man screaming and shouting, whilst the red dot on his chest reminded me that he was going to be tazered. The shouting to the arrest made me both anxious and angry. It’s bad enough going through lockdown, and yet again, right outside my house is an altercation that could have got ugly. I know it was nothing to do with me, but it felt like it had into my living room. I felt violated. I never slept properly after that. I was then reminded that life doesn’t stop because of you, the might Coronavirus. Internally, I’m longing for peace and a time when I can just kick back without the stress that goes with it. I’m getting too old for drama. Too weary of conflict, and too wise to want to normalise this madness as so called ‘living’. Tomorrow’s another day. Martin
11/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Interesting day. Received several texts. A mixture of sweet and sour. Also made the mistake of watching the news, and absorbed the sheer scale of more deaths. Internally, I felt awful. You, are truly relentless. No let up. No end in sight. My anxiety is quite high at the moment. Need to meditate and try and calm down. I have a new found respect for those who have lived through the war, those who languish in closed institutions, and those who have to fend off natural disasters. Today I have to just accept how I’m feeling and live in that moment. I have try not to project today into tomorrow. Such is the confused state of being you’re making many of us have to go through. This sense of liminality is corrosive and wilfully destructive. I hate the feeling. Realistically, I’m not going through the same roller coasters as others who are massively impacted by you, almighty Coronavirus. As we approach the weekend I worry about those who will defy the rules and end up worse off, or those they come into contact with, will. Memo to self’ today is what it is, see tomorrow as another day’. Embrace the uncertainty. Martin
12/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Today was the most philosophical time I’ve had in a long time. Deeply relaxing, hot, reflective, tinged with anxiety. The uncertainty I feel still lingers quietly in the background, recoiling like a spring when I least expect it. I stayed indoors as the Government said and occasionally retreated to the back garden, when I needed some vitamin D. Oh how I wished those broken fences that I had neglected so much were in place, so I could enjoy this little patch of green in seclusion. I reconnected to my book and looked at its current contents with a fresh eye. Which has enabled me to see it clearly for the first time. I now know the direction in which I’m headed. More importantly, I have finally put my time at university into context. I do care for my students, colleagues, and am grateful for a job at this moment in time. However, a deeper existential questioning has burst into my sub-conscious. Do I work to live? Or do I live to work? I really do know the answer. Martin
13/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A real challenge in dealing with being in lockdown is trying to avoid listening to constant bad news. Every tweet, news report, adverts, and posted videos all containing a no hope narrative. In spite of the horrendous reality facing many, absorbing everyone else’s feelings on this matter does have significant impact on me. I want to switch off, run away, and hide. Now I’m really understanding what ‘lockdown’ actually means. Although we are all experiencing it differently, each one of us. So there is no uniform experience, as it’s deeply personal to each one of us. Again, I’m reminded about the importance of writing, meditation, reading, conversations with Jen and others who I stay in touch with. It’s hard to stay focussed sometimes but it is important to allow myself to feel like that. I also have to remember I do have choices how to engage with this stuff. I can also just celebrate the fact that I am still here and going through it. Martin
14/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A pretty uneventful day in light of the circumstances. Mainly pottered around the house, and at times was at a loss for something to do. In some respects I was trying to avoid focussing on my book. There is a tension at times, between wanting to completely shut off and just working. I find shutting off sometimes makes me think about stuff I don’t want to think of or remember. There are so many combinations that I think about; future, work, and so many other things, but’s all really a futile exercise and more about my wandering thoughts playing games. These thoughts quickly disappear. Much is the nature of my brain function. I have no desire to concentrate on a future I have no control over. I do sometimes have brief reflections on what it would be like to be younger, but again they are fleeting. Had an early night, again. That’s my pattern. Had a good conversation with Jen that made me smile. I think a lot about families at this moment in time. I also think about how much trust we are having to give politicians who we didn’t vote for. Tomorrow is another day. Martin
15/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A beautiful sunny day. I dedicated myself to my book. I went through several chapters word by word, line by line, and paragraph by paragraph. I really appreciate the benefit of editing in stealth mode. The more books I write, the better writer I feel I’ve become. It takes me back to the days when my mentor Alan Plater used to tell me about this, but I was young at the time and thought I knew it all. Alan, if you’re out there, you were right. I has been great to escape to confines of my book. I had a call yesterday from a colleague who talked to me about data verbalization. It highlighted that in spite of the destructive nature of your presence, opportunities are arising for me to make a difference with my other passion of data dissemination. I know my work and I are needed at this moment in time. Today was a bit of a tipping point for me on so many levels. I need to dig deep and find the courage to act on what is before me. There is not time like the present. Martin
16/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A pretty non-descript day; sunny, took in a staff meeting, did some watching, and cooked. A typically normal day under the circumstances. And then in the middle of it all I had a call from my friend and colleague Moe. He had been very ill over the past few days and I thought the worse. However, hearing the tone and strength in his voice, Moe had miraculously recovered and was sounding strong. His illness has given him a fresh perspective on life and a raised awareness towards how he’s been feeling. Moe reflected on the last decade; work, study, work study, and how he feels he has missed out on life. For a brief moment I related to what he was saying as that’s always been my pattern of behaviour. Always feeling like a survivor. Hearing Moe I was hearing myself. The difference is I’m not Moe and I’m older and wiser, so I appeared to have let that go. Happiness is what I’m moving towards, as I’ve spent too much of my so called life being a survivor. Lesson for today is when we wish things, we might just get then. I willed much of my drama’s into existence. Now I want something more fundamental; happiness, balance, and calm. Martin
17/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A new day beckoned. What to expect? More doom and gloom, more uncertainty. This time it was all about love. Speaking to close friend of 40 years Pam we spoke about past and pledged to stay in touch throughout this time, and concluded our call with that simple phrase ‘ I love you’. Later that evening I heard from my granddaughter, who asked me to write a foreword for an amazing anthology of poems. She is now 16and has become very accomplished. In her text to me, two words stood out; ‘miss you’. They say good things come in three’s. To my surprise one of my work colleagues offered to do my shopping. I didn’t know what to do or say. Lesson for the day, Embrace the love that’s offered. Don’t push it away and accept you deserve it. Martin
18/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A normal day, nothing special, so I thought. My wife Jen was pottering about the house making things. Nothing different there. Then out the blue she produced this amazing purpose made mask. I loved it. So much so I wanted to go onto the streets just to show it off. Again, another example of the way in which you, the great destroyer Coronavirus have enabled my wife to discover an amazing talent. In the evening I spoke to Ray who lost his son, not to you, but to a violent crime. We spoke at length and I heard his heart. It reminded me how lucky I am. However, the lesson I learned from Ray was that things can change in the blink of an eye. In essence we can all be Ray, so it’s not sensible to take your eye off the ball. All we can do is live in the moment and work though things; day by day. Tomorrow is another day, not to write, but to explore, build, create, and live. Martin
19/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A familiar pattern is emerging. Nothing major happens at the beginning of the day and then something else kicks in. In this case it was my friend Muna. She asked me if I’d like to participate in an online conversation with prospective doctoral candidates from across the globe. Not only did I say yes, but I realised at that moment, the importance of trying new things, learning a new skills, and more importantly, being open to change regardless of how uncomfortable it felt. I did the session and felt good. Spiritually I’m finding new purpose and experiencing growth. I have little desire at this moment to do a lot of face to face work, but I do have a deep desire to produce content, assist others and generally pass stuff on. That night found out that my friends Richard Lost his cousin to you, Coronavirus. Pissed me off! Lives lost, lives in turmoil. Simply lives. Sweet ‘N’ sour. Don’t think too far ahead is the lesson for the day. Martin
20/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Students returned today. Mind’s made up. It’s time to move on. The time to be ruled by fear, procrastination, and trepidation, has to stop. I learned a really important, as I lost a whole document by pressing the wrong button on the computer. This was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to save it in the first place. I was just too busy working, as opposed to reflecting, pausing, and slowing down. I was drifting backwards again. Mind playing tricks. The virus distorts and blurs the lines between what is and what should be. I have 6 weeks of marking to do and that’s it. MY leading on modules is over. A new chapter begins. The key lesson for today is about balance, not overload or panic. Note to self, listen to yourself, and tune in to your conscious truth. Do not succumb to outside forces. Martin
21/04/20 Dear Coronavirus A new day, wanted to shift my focus. I remembered an important poem I wrote to the prisoners of Green Haven State Penitentiary back in the 90’s when I was working for the National Trust for the development of African American Men. It sums up what I’ve been thinking of late. BEYOND THE WALL Holdin’ on to the time we have left Precious moments like this Then the flow is broken Are all we have to bind us We embrace … you leave To each other ‘N’ I shed a tear Empty memories As the remnants of those moments Filled with new thoughts Evaporate like steam As we smile together I stand outside the prison walls look For the first time back ‘N’ say, Like innocent children ‘Look beyond the wall brothaz ‘N’ Learnin’ a new game sistaz Fragments of a broken past Look beyond the wall …’ Pieced together To heal our pain Martin Which we reveal thru’ Glazed eyes ‘n’ silent tears We become men Brothaz and Sistaz on the same journey Who have trod the different paths But today we see the same things Dream the same dreams ‘N’ escape into a secret world of Laughter ‘n’ celebration Thru’ the darkness comes light Thru’ the light we step together
22/04/20 Dear Coronavirus You have given me a stark choice. Either crumble through fear or use your time to seek new opportunities and set new priorities. Below is a small offering in response; YOU As one journey ends... another begins Nobody loses... nobody wins I’m sitting here knowing ...................... I have to let you go... Memories of our past... evaporate like steam Ebbing and flowing... swimming up stream Yes I’m certain... I have to let you go... Eyes on the prize... daring to dream A future uncertain... what does it mean? A moment in time... with nothing to lose New roads to travel new gifts to choose Parting’s no sorrow.. .leaving as friends Like a new breathe...what’s broken now mends Although it’s painful... I had to let u go... No longer searching... with both hands I hold
Followed the rainbow... and found my gold Soaring like an eagle... .feeling so free What I had lost... has come back to me As one journey ends... another begins Nobody loses...nobody wins Now that I’ve found you... I’ll never let u go... Martin
23/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Throughout this moment there’s been a consistent force that has kept me grounded, my wife Jen. It’s really important that I recognise her contribution to my well-being and overall positive feelings at this point in time. There is so much devastation pain, suffering, and loss that we can at times negate some of the other things that are happening. So as much as I hate what’s happening, I need to offer Jen these few words; YOU MADE IT POSSIBLE When I was floundering and struggling To make sense of it all You made it possible For me to see clearly When I doubted myself and couldn’t focus You made it possible For me to beat the problem When I got stabbed in the back by friends You made it possible For me to heal and move on When I needed to shed a skin And go on a new journey You made it possible To see through the fog When I fell down and couldn’t go on You made it possible By picking me up and helping me walk again
When I nearly quit You made it possible By self-sacrifice and unconditional support By believing that I could do it If fact you’ve always made it possible For me to become a better man A better father A better son A better partner You’ve made it possible for me to grow I hope I can make it possible For you when you need it Martin
24/04/20 Dear Coronavirus This opinion piece has little to offer the current research on COVID 19, and has everything to do with the ongoing struggle for ‘racial recognition’ within parts of the British society that needs to look at its own selective amnesia when looking at its own history. The Criminal justice system, school exclusions of black boys, the recent Windrush scandal, black on black violence, poor representation in film and TV, and the black lives matter, and decolonisation of higher education campaigns, will attest that black life for many of us in the country is an ongoing social and cultural pandemic, that has been driven, and sustained, since black people arrived in the UK, as far back as 55 BC, when the Romans were stationed in Hull. COVID 19 is merely another damaging social determinant of health that has befallen black communities at this time, highlighted by the latest revelations of the disproportionate deaths of many black people. Speaking as a father, grandfather, and lately a great grandfather, I am disheartened at knowing that all the generations I’m connected to, will inherit yet another layer of false hope and despair to reflect on in their lives, knowing that many of their elders have now gone. As the devastating impacts of the disproportionate representation of BAME deaths are felt, sections of our society will no doubt avert its gaze from the wider social determinants that have blighted the lives of black people in the UK throughout history. Any researcher looking at ‘race and public health’ issues, should know about; sickle cell, lupus, prostate cancer, diabetes, and high blood pressure. Similarly, criminal justice researchers should know that racial disparities operate at every stage of the criminal justice system. And any progressive social historian knows that black involvement in the shaping of British society has been excluded, marginalised, and air brushed out every tier of British life, notwithstanding the advent of so called black history month. Whilst COVID 19 rages through the UK, where are the stories of this global pandemic, coming from Africa, South Asia, prison, poor black communities in North America and the Caribbean, the favelas of Brazil, and indigenous communities across the globe?
Ironically, a few weeks ago, many criminals were being deported back to Jamaica, Muslims were still seen as a suspect community, young black people were still being vilified by the press, whilst the big talking point was the Stormzy and Wiley ‘grime beef’, and channel 4 continued to make us squirm and chuckle at the ‘Big Narstie Show’. Now the press plasters the faces of heroic individuals from the black community who have died saving lives in the NHS, across our screens. Yet only a few months ago, many wanted to curb immigration, whilst Brexit hastened a return to the good old days of ‘Britannia ruling the waves’. So if black history shows us anything, and repeats itself, then, ‘differential racialization’ such as black deaths during COVID 19, will slip out of the public consciousness and quickly be forgotten. Let us not forget, many lives have been lost, families left devastated, communities ripped apart, whilst children are now without parents and elders. However, the voices and stories associated with the traumas that have befallen on black communities at this time are to be found and located within black cultural expression; music, theatre, visual arts, dance, literature, spoken word, etc. The histories of slavery, colonialization, civil and human rights struggles were told through the arts and political movements such as Negritude, the Niagara Movement, the Harlem renaissance, and the black arts movements in the US and UK. So rather than trundle out all the moral barricades at this moment in time gasping in shock and horror at the racial disparities of COVID 19 it may be time to look back at key moments in history, which may answer some of the questions being posed. It is also important to recognise that those who are currently in charge of the so called mainstream ‘narrative’ are (mis) informing the public, by using this moment to deflect from some of the wider critical questions associated with those people who are poor, have limited access to technology, socially marginalised, and are located in vulnerable areas that are significantly more impacted by COVID 19, of which the black communities I have referred to, are merely a fragment. Maybe, a revision of the history of COVID 19, written by artists, where words such as ‘unfortunate’, ‘marginalised’, and ‘disaffected’, could be replaced with a lexicon such as ‘resilient’, ‘heroic’, and ‘courageous’ as a way of validating the humanity of black people at this time could be pushed to fore. Is it therefore, as Hamlet said, ‘to be, or not to be, that is the
question’? Or is the African saying ‘I am, because we are, we are because I am’ a more appropriate maxim that validates the black communities worth as human beings at this moment in time.Let the artists therefore speak ‘truth to history’. Martin
25/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Today my focus was on the consequences of knife crime. I thought about my friend ray and was reminded that outside of you, Covid 19, there are other issues going on. I decided to rework an old story. At school Omar had been bullied so many times because he didn’t fit in. Although, Omar never found it a problem, others did and made him pay for it. Those who bullied Omar pressurized him to be a follower, a clone, and tried to control his life. They didn’t want Omar to be an individual with his own ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Instead, they wanted Omar to be part of their crew. With each day at school came torment, verbal abuse, and physical attacks. Omar tried to defend himself, but felt powerless as he couldn’t fight back. The other kids at school laughed at Omar and called him weak, useless, rubbish and good for nothing. It got so bad that Omar started to believe that he was no good. No one listened, no one helped, and no one understood what Omar was going through. Omar was alone, depressed, and becoming angry. Then one day he snapped coz he’d had enough. He wasn’t going to take it anymore. Omar decided that was time to stop the bullying once and for all. At home Omar started to have all sorted of crazy thoughts about what he could do to those who bullied him. Anger stood in the corner of Omar’s bedroom encouraging Omar to get even with the perpetrators and convinced him to act on his feelings. Omar listened intently to anger as he received instructions on what to do. Omar was now poised and ready to go into battle. As Omar was about to leave to go to school Stupidity called him back into his bedroom, and told him not to leave without a weapon. Omar placed a small knife in his pocket and gave Stupidity a hug before leaving. Omar turned the corner and was met by Foolishness who gave him some last minute instructions as well as introducing him to three new people
Nervousness, Anxiety, and Fear who all talked and joked with Omar. In the distance Bravery and Reason called out to Omar, but Stupidity stepped in and pushed them away. Stupidity ran up behind Omar and stayed close behind to monitor the situation. Anger stood in the corner of Omar’s bedroom encouraging Omar to get even with the perpetrators and convinced him to act on his feelings. Omar listened intently to anger as he received instructions on what to do. Omar was now poised and ready to go into battle. As Omar was about to leave to go to school Stupidity called him back into his bedroom, and told him not to leave without a weapon. Omar placed a small knife in his pocket and gave Stupidity a hug before leaving. Omar turned the corner and was met by Foolishness who gave him some last minute instructions as well as introducing him to three new people Nervousness, Anxiety, and Fear who all talked and joked with Omar. In the distance Bravery and Reason called out to Omar, but Stupidity stepped in and pushed them away. Stupidity ran up behind Omar and stayed close behind to monitor the situation. On the bus Omar was joined by Temper, eager to help him in his quest to deal with those who had bullied him. Temper passed on a few brief pieces of valuable information to Omar before leaving as quickly as he’d arrived. In the distance Love watched helplessly, as Death danced up and down on the spot, knowing he might meet Omar at any moment. Omar reached the school playground and scanned around. His eyes focused on those who had bullied him. Omar started to feel weird, and was met Confusion, who introduced himself to Omar before giving him a reassuring pat on the back. Those who bullied Omar, gathered together and headed towards him. Omar started shaking whilst the knife in his pocket started to speak to him; saying how wonderful things would be now they are going to be working together. Omar felt comforted, as Badness had given him a few handy hints on dealing with the situation.
Omar’s heart now pumped faster and faster and faster! The knife gave Omar some last minute instructions and told him exactly what to do. The bullies surrounded Omar and then started pushing him around. Bravery and Foolishness came to Omar’s aid and tried to help him, but they too started to fight with each other and left Omar on his own. The knife then screamed at Omar and cursed him for taking so long. The knife told Omar that it was time and urged him to act quickly. Cousin’s Hostility and Rage appeared on the scene and came to the rescue. They stood either side of Omar and whispered in his ears. Omar lost control and plunged the knife into one of the perpetrators chest. A loud scream followed by a drop on the floor, made everyone scatter. The perpetrator stopped breathing, whilst Omar ran off. Omar paused for a while to catch his breath when he was met by Revenge who came over and congratulated him on completing his mission. It was over! No more bullying .. no more torment .. no more pressure for Omar anymore. The problem was solved. Omar was 15 then … he’s 19 now, 4 years into a life sentence. Omar now has three new friends; Loneliness, depression, and suicide. They love Omar and share the same cell with him, 24-7. They talked to him every minute of every day. Like true friends they’re always there for him, never leaving his side, whilst, Death sits quietly and reads the latest best seller entitled ‘Come to me: The art of persuasion though violence’. Death was in no hurry. Omar ……… A WASTED LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! Martin
26/04/20 Dear Coronavirus Donald Trump is delusional. How can the so called leader of the free world present such a precarious statement to the world at this time? The idea that somehow ingesting disinfectant to stop you, coronavirus is crazy. As I absorb the news, I can’t help but think that this whole affair is one big mess. Medical advice, financial crisis, stagnant government decisions, fuelling a major existential crisis. They talk about a global pandemic, but each country has a different approach, only unified by the search for a vaccine. Personally, I can’t see society getting back to any sense of so called normality. From social distancing, sharing large spaces, hosting gatherings, lecturing in large rooms, conferences, and so many environments where people interact. I’m not too fussed as I’ve been quite reclusive over the years, so maybe human beings at this time need to work harder at finding ways to be intimate with each other. Also, it may be time for all of society to reinvest in the way it connects to others less fortunate than themselves, in a weird way, we may become a better society and the likes of Donald Trump will be confined to history as someone who united the world against stupidity. Martin
27/04/20 Dear Coronavirus The announcement of two prominent black people, Trevour Phillips and Doreen Lawrence, to preside over the inquiry into black deaths of COVID 19, is nothing strange. It is clearly evident that informed academics and others are not sought out, as there may be a different narrative put forward. I for one am not worried by this latest admission as it’s part of the ongoing story that is known as interest convergence. Essentially, as this issue is now causing concern, then the interests of black people are brought to the fore. It’s only a shame that the many other areas of my life that affected disproportionately were addressed in the same way. I do wish that civil servants would cast their net wider and seek a more grounded view of the world inhabited by black people. For me personally, lockdown has enabled me to view the world much the same as prominent African-American writer, James Baldwin did in exile. I have little time or energy for what’s going on, hence I’m doing my own thing and building a new constituency. Such is life. Martin
07/05/20 Dear Coronavirus Today I’m not thinking about myself. However, I’m thinking about someone else and how they must be finding COVID 19. My archive of letters spans dozens of men and women, relaying their testimonies, sharing their experiences, alongside teaching me about everything from criminality to incarceration and release. One person stands out in particular, Al Cunningham. Al, who languishes on death row (San Quentin, California) has been communicating with me for over 25 years. Not only through letters but he has diligently sent me birthday, Easter, and Christmas cards, without fail throughout the period we have been in communication. In Al men I have found both friendship and insights into the US criminal justice system. More importantly I have gained some deeper insights into my own values and beliefs on so many levels. Dear Martin I hope you are well. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about my incarceration to give you an insight into how I find being on death row …… ……. My cell is 4 feet in width, 10 feet in length, and 8 feet in height. It has a cold steel slab for a bunk. I can lay on my bunk with my shoulder against one wall and reach out and touch the other wall without straightening my arm. The food slot is directly in front of my bunk, so I can lie down in the bunk and reach up and accept the food being slide in through it. I have TV sitting on two cardboard boxes at the end of the bunk in front of the toilet. Both sink and toilet are made of stainless steel and both are at the end of the cell. Above them recently have been placed in our cells, is a steel shelf with four compartments. I have a typewriter sitting on two cardboard boxes in the centre of the cell. I can sit in the middle of the cell in front of the typewriter and reach everything in the cell. Other than that there is nothing else which can best describe this cell other than the words “Isolation” and ‘monstrosity’. There are many nights I’ve
laid awake, listening to the sounds of the night, wishing I were someplace else. Listening to the sounds of car horns, babies crying, construction workers making irritable noises, and above all, experiencing the freedom I so desperately crave. The night is so still, I can almost hear the dreams of others as they lie sleeping on their steel cots dreaming their dreams, as the night moves on. The hours seem to past so slowly at times, but then, before you realise it, it is the dawning of a new day. Once again, I will be forced to listen to the obnoxious yells and screams of others as they hold their nonsense conversations. Some talking loud because they want to be noticed by others, they feel a need to impress others, they suffer from a deep feeling of lack of self-worth. Others, talking to cover up their fears, and gain strength from the rest. Then there are those who talk and make noise simply to hear the sound of their own voices. I’m tempted to think I am in some sort of insane asylum instead of a prison. Grown men, acting like undisciplined children and babies. I wonder how many others are thinking in the same way as I am forced to listen to these disturbing individuals. Then I also wonder how many times have I had to catch myself from acting in such immature behaviour? How many times have I had to prevent myself from cheapening my character and self-control? How many times have I had to refrain from depreciating my intelligence? It can become so easy to demean one’s self when there is little or seldom any positiveness emitted within this element of walls and bars. No encouragement, no inspiration, and seemingly, no hope. Each person is confined within such small living spaces (4’xIO’), and spends from 20 to 24 hours a day within this small enclosure, year after year. If that person has no self-discipline, no self-goal, no constructive plans, creatively or academically, he mentally and psychologically deteriorates. I have found areas in my life that I too have deteriorated mentally. I no longer have the same retention span; it has tended to be a little out in orbit drifting farther arid farther away from me. I also find that sometimes it’s not hard to evade the reality of this place and cruise though a few hours, lost in space and concerning myself to the moment of whatever has infatuated me with a false impression of escapism. Yes, it can become so easy, even if only for a moment. It is truly a test of one’s mental stability. Many bad habits are developed. Unconscious physical habits, some of which are even disgusting. Vocal expressions, nerve disorders,
inconsiderateness, lack of self-respect and respect for others, mental blocks, psychological walls, and character distortions. The mind and body can seem to stand still in time, frozen and suffocating from the lack of individuality, creativity, and productivity. Yet, I know 1 must endure, 1 must sustain, I must survive, I must maintain my self- worth, self-respect, self-control and the hope that one day I will be free from all this. I know if and when such a time does come, I want to leave here as a man, and not as a child. But who of you out there will understand my thoughts and experiences? Al