Every Thought Counts [Mitsa 13A] by Mix Que

EDITORIAL BOARD Editor-In-Chief: Micaela Que

MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR

Assistant Editor: Martin Consing

Managing Editor:

Joana Paulette Aganon

News Editor:

Martin Consing

Features Editors: Micaela Que Martin Consing

Cultures Editor: Micaela Que

Layout Editor: Micaela Que

Graphics Editor: Micaela Que

CONTRIBUTORS Aliana Joy Quito Danilo Lorenzo Atanacio Jan Hannah Timbol Leo Natalicio Rivera Samantha Joy Cinco

Dearest ETC Mems and Apps, The theme for this semester’s applicant’s Every Thought Counts is COLOR. As an app batch, Mitsa is filled with different kinds of people from different colleges, different walks of life, different backgrounds. Essentially, we are a very colorful batch. As our app process comes to an end, we hope to show through this issue of Every Thought Counts that despite our differences, we are able to come together and create something that is worth reading. To the members, thank you for giving us a semester to learn and grow with you. We’re grateful for having been the opportunity to experience what it’s like to be a part of the ETC Family. To my fellow applicants, the journey to now has been a rough one. We’ve won and lost battles but I thank you each and everyone of you for sticking with us til the end. Here’s to many more years of friendship. Here’s to many more years of living out the principles and values of ETC. Sincerely, Micaela Que EIC

Wicked Wicked Love Love by by Sam Sam Cinco Cinco

It was 4:30 on a gloomy Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting in one corner It was 4:30some on aofgloomy Wednesday afternoon. I was sittingtoinsome one sipping Ate Leony’s hot chocolate and listening corner sipping some of me AteI’mLeony’s andrelaxing, listeningbut to some good music. If you saw pretty hot you chocolate thought I was I was good music. If you saw me I’m pretty you thought I was relaxing, but I was actually really nervous. My disposition then was my way to kind of decrease actually really nervous. My disposition was my way decrease my overwhelming nervousness. Why wasthen I nervous? Well,toitkind wasof because of my overwhelming nervousness. Why was I nervous? Well, it was because of the fact that thirty minutes after that moment, our first discussion group (DG) the fact that thirty minutes after that and moment, our first groupwould (DG) as an applicant batch would begin I, along withdiscussion Enzo Atanacio, as an applicant batch would begin and I, along with Enzo Atanacio, would be facilitating. I had no experience in facilitating a discussion group so I be I had nowhy experience in facilitating a but discussion group so I thinkfacilitating. you’d understand I was feeling a bit nervous I couldn’t let other think you’d whyseem I wasrelaxed. feeling a bit nervous but I couldn’t people seeunderstand that. I had to I couldn’t let other people let seeother how people see that. I had to seem relaxed. I couldn’t let other people see how scared I was. I was scared that I would make a complete fool of myself and scared I was scared that I would fool of myself and let otherI was. people who depended on memake down.a Icomplete had to pull myself together. let people depended me down. I had to myself other Around 10 who minutes before on 5:00, I decided to pull stand up together. from my Around 10 minutes before 5:00, I decided to stand up from my comfortable corner and get ready. Enzo was already in the tambayan. comfortable corner and get ready. Enzo was already in the tambayan. He also left because he too was feeling a bit nervous. I went up to him He he have too was feeling opening a bit nervous. to him andalso saidleft thatbecause we should a creative for theI went DG. Aup creative and said would, that weinshould havemake a creative for the DG. A creative opening some way, the DGopening more interesting. Don’t get me opening would, in some way, make the DG more interesting. Don’t me wrong though, it is interesting but I just wanted something to giveget it that wrong though, it is interesting but I just wanted something to give it that extra kick, something that would catch the members’, applicants’ and alumni’s extra kick, something wouldEnzo catch theImembers’, applicants’ andofalumni’s attention. Having thisthat in mind, and started the DG in a sort mixed attention. this inintroduction. mind, Enzo and I started a sort mixed boxing andHaving Kris Aquino I don’t know ifthe we DG wereinable to of achieve boxing andeffect Kris Aquino introduction. don’tto know if weattention were able to achieve that actual but hopefully we wereI able get the of the people. that actual effect but hopefully we were able to get the attention of the people. I don’t want to go into how the actual DG went. I rather would like to I don’t go into now how on the the actual DG and went. happiness I rather would drawwant my toattention relief that like to draw my attention now on the relief and happiness everyone felt when the 1st DG was done. We had an evaluation of thethat DG everyone felt when the 1st DG was done. We had an evaluation of the DG afterwards. I wasn’t present for the whole evaluation but the gist was that afterwards. wasn’t present for the whole but the gist was that our first DG Ihad some flaws that could be evaluation fixed. The problems were mainly our first DG someofflaws that could be fixed. The were mainly caused by had the lack communication between us problems as applicants. This is caused by the lack of communication between us as applicants. is understandable because we were a big applicant batch compared This to the understandable because we were a big applicant batch compared to the previous applicant batches that ETC has had. We were still in the process previous batches has had.with Weeach were other’s still in the process of gettingapplicant to know each otherthat andETC familiarizing work ethics. of to knowthe each other and familiarizing with each other’s work getting That being case, however, the DG pulled through. It may notethics. have beenThat being the case, however, the DG pulled through. It may not have the best but what was important was that we were able to conduct been the best but what was important was that we were able to conduct and get past our first “challenge” together as an applicant batch. This and get past our “challenge” as an at applicant This “achievement” mayfirst seem small but together the net effect, least for batch. me, is big. “achievement” may seem small but the net effect, at least for me, is big.

The fact that we were able to get through the first “challenge” gave us a sort of push, a sort of uplifting that we could get through all other “ challenges” that we will face in the future. It gave us this confidence that we could do anything as long as we did it together and helped each other. Other than that, the love and closeness between my batch mates sort of began or rather was more felt after our first DG. We were a bit more at ease with each other. We were comfortable and somehow realized that we weren’t alone in this application process. We had each other. We had a family. Looking back on what happened now, I can vouch for how much our batch has grown since that first DG. I can say that we work together better now and are even closer to each other than before. We are able to finish tasks more efficiently and the outputs are better than they were before. We talk to each other more, are able to share stories with each other, and just bond with each other. It’s just amazing that we’ve gone this far in just a few months. In a few days, our application process comes to a close. I still don’t know what to expect in the coming days but one thing, for me, is for sure. I’m happy that I was able to meet and work with an amazing group of people. We grew together from just a group of people applying for the same organization to a family that will be there for each other no matter what. Whatever may happen in the future, I know that we’ll still have each other. The bond that was formed between the members of Batch Mitsa will stay for the rest of our years in UP and beyond. This wicked love is real and it will keep us strong through whatever other challenges we may face in the future.

How did I become a facilitator in the first place? It was during our signing session with Jay Yparraguirre. If my memory serves me correctly, we were talking about the functions of the Externals Committee when AJ Quito asked me if I could facilitate the second DG. You would think that I hesitated, but I really wanted to be a facilitator. I just did not have the guts to volunteer because I think I would not pull it through. Nevertheless, I said yes. I was ecstatic when I finally got the chance to speak in front of UP ETC. Although I had doubts, I just told myself that there was everything to gain and nothing to lose. I would charge this to experience and hopefully improve what I need to improve on the next time I will get another chance to be a facilitator again. Hopefully, it would be as a member of ETC. I did a lot of reading and drank a lot of coffee. Martin and I talked in the Econ library and asked John Mark Maclang for tips. Then the hour finally came. Our discussion group started 15 minutes late because of technical difficulties (The microphone was not working). The experience was terrific, but I started to get really nervous and sweaty whenever someone raises their hand and asks a question. Good thing the research team was there to help us with the questions (Thank you, AJ and Leo!). Right after the DG and the evaluation, I went home feeling accomplished. Sure, I know that I could have done better than that, but hey, it was my first time. At least I know what I am going to do next time.

The Evolution of Democracy by Lorenzo Atanacio

Sa Baybayin ng Maynila

by Hannah Timbol

Batch Mitsa held their second discussion group, entitled as “Sa Baybayin Ng Maynila” which focuses on the Manila Bay Reclamation Project at SE 127 last August 13. Martin Consing and I were the facilitators. In this article, I’ll be sharing my experiences as a facilitator (perhaps attracting my batch mates to consider being one) and saying what I think about the reclamation project.

Last August 28, 2013, applicants batch Mitsa 13-A of the UP Economics Towards Consciousness held its third discussion group in the Faculty Center AVR of UP Diliman. The batch chose the Crowdsourcing Bill as our topic for the discussion group. This is not an attempt to reiterate all the arguments that have already been laid out for both sides regarding the Crowdsourcing Bill. Rather, it is just me, as an individual, voicing out my opinion on what I think the bill can potentially provide our country. My opinion is based on one single possible effect: the empowerment of the Filipino.

The idea of providing the ordinary Filipino the means of partaking in the important process of law-making is such a grand idea. Think about it: if executed properly, Filipinos can now directly voice out their opinion about the law, no longer having to go through the tedious process of rallying or writing to a congressman who will take a long time to respond. The Internet has made the process of communicating information conveniently, for the Internet knows no geographic distance or time constraints. Through improvements in technology, it is now possible to more easily collect millions of pieces of information from many users and compile this all into a single or a few distilled messages. The laborer from a far-flung province will have just as much opportunity to say what he or she wants to say about a bill as a corporate hotshot in Makati. Furthermore, the government would be able to easily see the clamor for a bill to be passed if it is clear that the Filipino people feel strongly about it. Beyond the logistics, let’s go to the other effects that might have been overlooked. Posting something online has the potential effect of giving the speaker the confidence or courage of speaking out which might falter in face-to-face interaction. The same laborer that I mentioned above might feel more confident speaking his mind online than in person because he might not feel confident about his articulation. Another possible effect that passing the bill might have is the snowball effect. To illustrate this, recall how the Million People March started out through online interaction, with every interested person calling on people he or she knows to join the peaceful protest. People probably would have had a harder time organizing themselves if they had to personally meet each other first to talk about the details. In addition, people probably felt that their say as individuals mattered because they saw the opportunity to participate. I have numerous friends who felt that they were empowered in their protest because they personally answered the call (even if it came from the digital world) and saw how other people felt the same way as they do. Much like how the calls for the Million People March made people feel that they owned and helped create the protest, the process of crowdsourcing a law can allow people to palpably sense that they participated in the democratic process and that they have a say in national affairs. Who knows? This might even help create a virtuous cycle wherein people who feel empowered may feel emboldened to call for further reforms in the law, ask for more ethical and competent leaders and create more opportunities for people to contribute

something to the country. The possible externalities are dizzyingly endless. But like any other grand idea, there are pressing limitations: limitations in our telecommunication infrastructures, our national security in cyberspace, the level of literacy and education for many Filipinos as well as the problem of patronage politics and still-existing rampant corruption. This doesn’t mean, however, that the idea should be disregarded already. I personally believe that there is much to be gained from this bill, if only we can harness technology to serve our needs. The Crowdsourcing Bill, if refined, revised and passed, could be the next evolutionary step that our democratic country can take in the course of its long and colorful history. In the near future, we could very well have Democracy 2.0.

Dancing In The Rain by Micaela Que

As the rainy season comes rolling in, some of us can’t help but feel as gloomy as the weather. The dark skies coupled with back-to-back exams aren’t exactly what I’d call the makings of a perfect day. Maybe some of you are thinking, well, this is the perfect weather to get my cuddle on and maybe even get some MOMOL action done BUT if you’re one of those unlucky bastards like me who were friend zoned, cuddling is clearly out of the picture. So what exactly can a lonely angsty college student do this rainy season? As cliché as it sounds, the only thing you can do is listen to music and watch some movies. Of course, you can go do these things with your friends. Assuming you have some. In that case, you guys can bond over these songs and movies; maybe even learn a thing or two about each other and… (dot dot dot)

LISTEN TO MUSIC I don’t care what kind of fancy crap they tell you in class but music is the universal language. Nothing and no one can change that. Because of its universality, we have songs for any and every occasion. Now here’s a personal list of my favorite “rainy day” songs plus the lines that really made these songs crack my top ten. MIX’S FOR A RAINY DAY PLAYLIST 1) Taylor Swift- All Too Well “And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all” 2) Adele- Don’t You Remember “Baby, please remember me once more” 3)The Eli Young Band-We Could Be Forever “You’d find somebody new and he would say all those things I wanted to”

4)Be Your Everything “Be your forever, be your fling. Baby, I will be your everything” 5)The Click 5- I’m Getting Over You “I never think about you but you’re always on my mind” 6)Oscar Isaac- Never Had “You were the best I never had, the only chance I wish I had to take” 7)Hunter Hayes-All You Ever “All that you needed was a side of me I never let you see” 8)Carrie Underwood- What Can I Say “I’m not sorry that it’s over but for the way we let it end” 9)Ed Sheeran- UNI “They’re more like tsunami tides in my eyes” 10)The Downtown Fiction- A Wonderful Surprise “The only love I’ve ever had is with a stranger I’ve never met”

SILVER LINING: Now I’m just going to assume that you guys are wondering why I chose these songs because I can’t hear you over the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces. But really, when you think about it, these songs are perfect to help you get over the weather. Because as you’re singing your heart out in the showers to that over rated Taylor Swift song, you won’t be thinking about that dos you desperately need to raise your GWA, the only thing on your mind is “Thank God my ex didn’t write a song about me.”

Watch Movies

This is probably the most cliché thing to do this rainy season but it’s cliché for a reason. But you can’t just watch any movie, you have to watch the best of the best. Lucky for you, I’m a self-proclaimed movie junkie with no life. These movies I’m gonna give you are the best of its kind and are a sure way to brighten up your life. If you don’t believe me, I’ve included critic reviews and its IMDB rating for good measure. 1)Batman and Robin (1997) [IMDB RATING: 3.6] Many of us know the Batman series from when Christopher Nolan was at the helm and Christian Bale was our dark crusader watching over Gotham. But a little over a decade ago, Arnold Schwarzenegger traded his Ithaca 37 (huge ass shotgun from Terminator) for a freeze gun when he played Mr. Freeze in the 1997 installment of the Burton/Schumacher Batman film series alongside George Clooney and Chris O’ Donnell as Batman and Robin respectively. WHY IT’S ON THE LIST: uhm. BAT NIPPLES. GEORGE CLOONEY IN A SUIT. ALICIA SILVERSTONE’S IN THE BATGIRL SUIT. Need I say more?

With the rains expected to continue throughout the rest of the year, I suggest you buy a copy of these songs and movies (or as my sister suggested, you may also pray to the glorious internet gods to bless you with a free copy) and hold on to them for dear life. One last piece of advice: as cliché as it sounds, we have to realize that there really are some storms that we cannot weather.

source:tumblr

2) Gigli (2003) [IMDB RATING: 2.4] If Brangelina happened because of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Bennifer happened because of this little movie called Gigli. Originally intended to be a black comedy, studio suits decided to change it up and exploit the then sizzling Bennifer romance. So from a mob comedy to a romantic comedy involving a lesbian and a lowly mob goon, we find ourselves blessed with a lot of J.Lo butt cleavage and some Christopher Walken action. WHY IT’S ON THE LIST: All I have to say is there’s a re son Jennifer Lopez turned straight in this movie and it sure as hell ain’t the plot. [clue: BEN FREAKING AFFLECK] 3) Movie 43 (2013) [IMDB RATING: 4.4] A movie so big I didn’t even bother looking through the entire IMDB cast list. With stars like Hugh Jackman, Dennis Quaid, Emma Stone, Kate Winslet, this movie was expected to be the SNL of all movie comedies. To its credit, it did manage to squeeze in three subplots in to one…err…plot, for lack of a better term. WHY IT’S ON THE LIST: As a movie junkie, I’ve seen a little over a thousand films and I’ve got to say, I have never seen anything l ike Movie 43. EVER. SILVER LINING: Now before you guys hunt me down and call me a liar, I’d like to point out that I did not lie. These movies are in fact the best of their kind. They are the best of the worst. So why did I suggest these movies to you guys? A) I watched them and sat through these movies so you guys should too! It’s life experience. B) These movies are so freaking bad, they’re just good enough to make you forget about your problems. Half these movies, I recommend watching while drunk. The other half will get you so freaking

Sometimes, we have to realize that life’s not not about waiting for the rain to pass it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Within the Realm of Ideas: What do We Stand for? by Martin Consing We seek the ideal society. It is, by logical extension, that which we strive towards, for if what we seek is social change, then social change must be for some end—and what better end than the ultimate, perfect end? It may seem, then, that we have set ourselves an impossible task. What is an ideal but a universal concept, intrinsic to man? Notions exist so naturally within the mind of man that he can recognize them in their myriad forms. A man may look at the stump of a tree and say, that is a chair. He might look at a boulder and say, that is a chair. He may look at a piece of furniture and also call it a chair. How does one, then, call each of these three things a chair? What gives any of these three its “chair-ishness”?

This is what Plato called the ideal. Within the mind of every man, independent of one another, is the ideal chair. It is that notion of the perfect chair in his mind that he feels but cannot express perfectly, only in degrees of success. Some things, then and as some men might say, are more “chair-ish” than others. Plato’s allegory of the cave reflects this. Imagine, he said, that we are men trapped in a cave, only able to face inwards, at the wall struck by light from the cave’s mouth, the light casting silhouettes on the wall. As objects, ideals, perfect things, pass by the cave’s mouth, their shadows are cast on that wall, and that is what we see. That is what the ideal is. A man is aware of the ideal by the shadow it casts, and while his interpretation of what he sees may be different from what another sees (thereby causing each to act, perhaps, in different ways in response to the same thing), the interpretations will always find their origin in that one ideal, in that one perfect thing. The question must have been asked, then: why, according to Plato’s allegory of the cave, can we not see these perfect things? The philosopher did not know. He could only guess, and so he surmised that it was the result of some ancient crime of man. The implication is clear, though: The ideal society, then, can only exist in the realm of ideas. We have set ourselves an eternal task, and brilliantly so, for we have ensured either our own immortality or obscurity.

Beyond Etceteras

After grueling days, weeks, and eventually months of UP life, and after being privileged to experience the ETC life, it has now come down to the most crucial and exciting part of the app process. As I reminisce, I still remember how I perceived my co-apps in the daybreak of this journey. I saw in those people burning eyes. I saw in them the eagerness and the vigor that made me think, “I want this!” Now that we are in the twilight of this magnificent journey, I came to think of it: After numerous thoughts of deferment, “What made me stay?” You see, there are things about this organization. Honestly, I can’t seem to point it out. Maybe it’s the people in here; Or probably, the experiences garnered; Maybe it’s the memories made; Or the time spent. I don’t know. I can’t be particular. But beyond all the efforts exerted for this org, beyond all the perspiration, beyond all the pains, beyond all the tears, beyond all the smiles and laughter, beyond all the values picked up, beyond all the principles established, beyond all the complications, beyond all the conversations made, beyond all concepts discussed, beyond the people met, beyond the passion, beyond the eagerness and awe, beyond every memory worth remembering, beyond all explanations… beyond etceteras.. There is one thing sure… In the end, it’s not “what” made me stay, but WHY I STAYED. And the reason folks, is because I, I fell in love with ETC.

by Leo Rivera (Applicants for AY ‘13-’14, 1st Semester)

“This is where you are tested” – this has been the story of our amazing journey here in UP Economics Towards Consciousness. For a few months now, Batch Mitsa 13-A has gone through a challenging application process. In fact, in this app process we have been honed to becoming better individuals in this society through the various tasks and participation in ETC.

source: UP ETC

I felt like a freshie for the second time. There I was riding theikot jeep for the first time with no idea where my destination is and all I can do is stare at my phone, and wait for the GPS button to move. I was searching for the School of Economics soI can submit my requirements and transfer to from a different UP constituent. When I first saw SE I was really surprised. This is not what I’m expecting. Isn’t it that Diliman structures are meant to be old and rustic? And I was already preparing myself for the heat. Instead, I was redirected to a fully carpeted room with glass boards, fascinating paintings, revolving chairs and air-conditioning. Little did I know that these comforts are temporary because days later I would be falling in line for hours hoping that I would find a class where I can enlist to.

Stolen Moments of Bliss

by ANONYMOUS

I saw her today And for a moment my world was a little brighter Suddenly, everything was a little bit better It saddened me though To see her so shaken up

It’s not that new that students from different UP constituents transfer after their first year of college or for some, even after their second year to UP Diliman. There are several reasons. Maybe geographically UP Diliman is nearer to their hometown or they were forced by their parents to transfer because living in far places is more costly. Maybe, some are transferring because the course that they want is not available to their current campus. But for the most of us this is the reason, we studied in that constituent with the intent that after a year, we will transfer and two semesters of pulling our gwa up would make us achieve our goal.

Yet so calm at the same time

But after that, you’d have to pass exit counseling where psychologists try to change your mind. I’d never forget the words of the counselor during the time that I was assembling my papers to officially exit my previous university, “So, ginagawa niyo lang na stepping stone ang school na to”. I can’t deny everything that she said because even though my stay at that school is great and fun, I’m guilty of what she is accusing me of. Instead, I replied and said I was sorry. I was surprised on the kind words that she said to me because counselors are meant to be scary, “Never forget that this school has been part of your life. Maybe, someday you can pay back.”

Because this is all I’ll ever be

The problem is even if we insist that all UPs are great, there is always a hierarchy. There are ranks of iskos and iskas. You’ll never pass any family gathering without any of your relatives asking with their condescending looks, “UP ______ lang?” I’m sure you have read anecdotes with the same plot on the most famous Overheard at UP facebook page.

source: martin consing

Switching Sides by AJ Quito

I wanted to hold her hand To let her know that I’m here As a companion As a friend As a shoulder to cry on

And this is all I’ll ever have Stolen moments of bliss Because she can never know She can never know

Like how I can never be More than a companion More than a friend More than a shoulder to cry on

My goal in saying this is not to demean anyone but to create a challenge that someday, there will be no more ranks. That someday, there will be just as many opportunities for an Isko in a non-NCR campus just like an Isko in Diliman or Manila have.

The Chosen One: The Modern Macbeth by Martin Consing

If this single act could end all action, then the better I act now, and by saber silence the serpent as it sleeps. If this bloody deed could by itself Somehow sweep the coming sequence, And remove the red from robes, then this coming purgation May be the Alpha and Omega, the ending just as it begins, And I would without wavering Follow to form my master’s master plan. Yet it cannot, and so shall not, And by the bloody work might more blood be shed, And by my treachery becoming should treachery come for me-It is only just that the unjust be given the poison which they offer. I am held in double trust: first, I am of the Order, A Knight made by Council’s choice, Chosen in favour and in fortune by Force and Fate; Then, I am held to oath by trust given and received, And so should I conspire against conspirators rather than conspire among them. Besides this, the Order has been our guiding light, In brightest day and blackest night, Against the corruption of systems and their Separation since,

With great power and yet powerless. Its fall would, like a meteor, strike the world with such violent force That with its striking might the world shatter, And its shards would with the fury of stars shatter others. Before it ends, there will be more to mourn Than the few meant to be mourned. So might I stand now, at the calm before the storm, The clouds roiling in tempestuous fury at my audacity. No fuel foments my flames but my burning desire for power-And in that fire do men burn themselves.

Remember Me Once More by Micaela Que

listen to Adele’s Don’t You Remember while reading

He made me breakfast before he left this morning. The kitchen still smells of waffles and bacon and the faintest hint of his cologne. Like he left a trace of herself on every thing he touched. On the chair, where he laid her jacket; on the table, where he set his briefcase; on my neck, where he placed his lips before gathering his things and heading out the door. I can still feel them there, lingering with a warm tingle that I equate with happiness. He is comfortable and solid, and I am consistent with him. Words are still difficult, but he calls it dyslexia and smiles warmly when I say something wrong. He reads to me from his law books, tells me about his cases.

The kitchen table is littered with things. Binders of swatches, boxes of envelopes, piles of save-the-dates with our photo embossed in the expensive linen paper. It is my job to sort through these things, make the arrangements, plan for months for a single moment in what will be the rest of our shared lives. We’re getting married, he and I. In the summer, in the mountains, overlooking the Colorado River. I’ll wear a white dress, he a black suit cut to his body. Our families and friends will fly in from all over the country to see us vow to love and cherish one another, to honor and obey in sickness and in health. He wants this, more than anything. A display, a public event. I just want the promise it contains. And him. Of course, always. Him . I did not expect this when I met him. I did not expect to be sitting here two years later surrounded by linen samples and bridal magazines. Because I had written this off. Romance and love and commitment. But he came up to me in a bar and offered to buy me a drink and it had turned into four and suddenly we were in his apartment and my clothes were missing. And for the first time in three years, I didn’t feel like running. ,

So here I am, drowning in Chantilly lace and copies of Modern Bride. I am not scared. I write to her. I can’t stop myself most of the time, because when you spend as much time with a person as she and I did, it’s not possible to sever the tie without a sense of withdrawal. She is a drug, strong and addictive and hot in my veins, even now. So I write to her, getting a fix with the scrawl of her handwriting. This girl, who made me need her and then ripped in half and didn’t even have the courage to pick up the pieces. I write to her, even though she broke me, because I can’t not write to her. Because leaving was hard, but staying away is harder. And even though I’m happy, I’m not whole. I love my fiancé. He’s almost perfect. But he’s not Victoria It’s been five years since I got into my car and left the only person I’d ever loved. Five years away from that girl that pressed her lips to mine when I was five and Reverend Teddy Bear said, “You may now kiss the bride.”

source:blogspot

I tell him about the children at the studio, and he smiles warmly at the notion of little blonde girls in pink tights. I know it’s because he imagines them as ours, those hypothetical children I’ve told him I’m not sure that I want. But he takes my hand and walks me to our bed and makes love to me like I am the last woman in the world and we are both about to die, and I think that maybe I might be able to give him what he wants after all. He tells me that he loves me in the dark, his arms around my waist and his lips at my ear. I don’t hesitate to reply that, yes, I love him, too. With everything I have, I do. The small breath he exhales lets me know that even if I didn’t, he would say it anyway. He is, in short, almost perfect

The girl that spent seventeen years as my best friend, seven as my lover, five as my partner, and a single moment as the person I hated most in the entire world. Is it so wrong that I still expect her to come for me? To show up on my doorstep and say, “Let me fix you”? I’m selfish for wanting it. Selfish for not seeing what I have in front of me, and self-absorbed for thinking that she would still want me after all this time. I can’t help it. I wish to God that I could make it go away. But her name on a list reminds me and it’s as though it’s been five minutes, not five years. How can I possibly send someone like her a wedding invitation?

She doesn’t even know that I met someone. Two years worth of letters signed, “Your friend, Sophia” and I couldn’t even tell her that. It shouldn’t be something I hide, but from Victoria, it was a guarded secret. To protect her, to protect me… I don’t know. I just couldn’t tell her. And now, with her name on this list, I have to. I have to tell her that I’m getting married. I have to tell her that this is her last chance. Her last-chance warning can’t come in the form of a save-the-date, with a picture of a man she’s never met kissing the woman she let go. She needs to think she has a shot without me begging her to come save me. Save me from settling, from a life without passion, from letting go of need and replacing it with want. Because as much as I want to be happy, I need her more. I need to her tell me she needs me, too. That she’s willing to stop being sorry and start being mine. I was always hers. Always. And I’d rather be miserable with Victoria than happy with anyone else. I would wait for her until my dying breath. I would go on living knowing that she was out there, and I would wait for her to come find me. I would marry this man, have children with him, have a life and a family and if Victoria showed up on my door I would drop it all and let her fix me, even if I wasn’t broken. Because I’m selfish, and I miss it. I miss her. I began every previous letter with just her name. Informal, but friendly. I told her about the weather, how the passing seasons left me in awe of how different the mountains are from the flat, shapeless terrain of Ohio. I told her about my job, my friends, that my mother was well and my sister had graduated college. Things are dire now, and I can’t afford to waste time with pleasantries. I have things that need saying, things that will change lives.

I miss you, Victoria. I need you, Victoria. Save me, Victoria. Please. I push aside the envelopes, the list, the lace and the swatches. I lift that heavy pen, the muscle in my hand straining as I pinch it between my thumb and forefinger. I take a deep breath, and write.