The Orgasm Gap

Imust admit it wasn’t until the tender age of 19 that I finally sat down and watched “When Harry Met Sally.” While a classic romantic comedy from the horizon of the 90’s, I can not say I was expecting the film’s commentary on the female orgasm. One of the most infamous scenes in the film is when Sally reveals to Harry the novel concept that women will sometimes fake an orgasm. When he doesn’t believe her, she fakes an orgasm in the middle of a New York Deli during the lunch rush.

This is one of the first instances in mainstream media that truthfully shows how women are disconnected from their pleasure, and yet, no one seems to be willing to admit to that. Before meeting Sally, Harry had no idea what women were so regularly not having their needs met. Ultimately, what Sally is referring to is the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap illustrates that in hetereosexual relationships, women have fewer orgasms than men and that ratio has a pretty considerable difference. In a study conducted by Durex, three out of every four women didn’t orgasm during sex with their partner. In the same study, 20% of women reported that they never or rarely orgasm, whereas only 2% of men never or rarely are able to orgasm.1

The orgasm gap can be explained for a few reasons. One in five women claim that their partners are unaware of how to help them orgasm. Likewise, one in three men believe that vaginal sex alone can bring a woman to orgasm, even though the majority of women claim that clitoral stimulation is the most effective.2 This informational rift between heterosexual men and women demonstrates that there is a misunderstanding of women’s pleasure and how to achieve it during sex.

Part of that problem is a lack of information about women’s anatomy, specifically about the clitoris. The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings and is the only organ in the human body whose only purpose is for pleasure.3

1 Leith, Alex. “The Orgasm Gap.” Durex UK. Durex UK, February 20, 2018. 2 Ibid. 3 The Irish Times. “The Clitoris Has 8,000 However, finding the clit still seems to be a feat in itself for men and women alike. According to sexual educator and gynecological nurse practitioner Sheri Winston, part of this is because of inaccurate and shrouded sex education in the first half of the 20th century.

“Fifty years ago, the repressive culture around female sexuality meant many women didn’t even know they had a clit,” Winston explained. “How were men supposed to ‘find’ something hardly anyone was aware was there?”4

Clit-phobia and, frankly, the shame surrounding a woman’s body and sex, is not a new phenonemon. In Ancient Rome, “Doctor” Claudius Galen believed that the clitoris was the female body’s failed attempt at a penis. During this time period, the male body was considered the ultimate ideal, so subsequently, women were men with imperfect and substandard bodies.5

Thousands of years later, the witch hunting treatise The Malleus Maleficarum detailed that the clitoris was the “devil’s teat” and was the vehicle in which Satan would suck the souls of his female victims. In this heightened age of witch hunting, female pleasure (ie. the clit) came to be a telltale sign of witchcraft and demonology. With this perpetuating rhetoric, the clit further became an image of inferiority.6

More recently, neurologist and psychologist Sigmund Freud made a profound argument that there are two types of orgasms, clitoral and vaginal, and that the two vary in maturity from one another. Freud claimed that a clitoral orgasm was a sign of immaturity and the prepubescent body. However, a vaginal orgasm was an indication of a mature and healthy woman. These claims have had a profound impact on the way Western culture views and understands sex even after being debunked.7

Nerve Endings .” The Irish Times. The Irish Times, January 23, 2017. 4 Kohn, Isabelle. “A Cultural History of Men Not Being Able to Find the Clit.” MEL Magazine, April 11, 2019. 5 “You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know About The Clitoris.” The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com. 6 Manheim, Noa. “The ‘Devil’s Teat’: A Brief History of the Clitoris.” Haaretz.com. Haaretz, September 7, 2018. 7 Ibid. Hundreds of years worth of rhetoric claiming that female anatomy is inferior and even evil doesn’t go away overnight. It’s manifested itself in lackluster sex education and the way women are taught (if and how) to enjoy sex.

What are the best ways to close the orgasm gap? One of the most important things is to stop faking it. Communicating openly about what you like and don’t like is a critical first step. If you feel uncomfortable telling your partner that you’ve been faking orgasms, tell them you’re interested in trying something new and experimenting until you find something that works. Understanding female anatomy will give you and your partner the basic tools you both need to have a fulfilling sexual experience.

Destigmatizing women’s pleasure and sex is another important step in closing the orgasm gap. Talking candidly, whether with your partner or trusted friends, is an important step in normalizing and prioritizing sexual wellness and satisfaction for women. With that being said you should have sex with people who want you to orgasm. Orgasming should be a shared goal between you and your partner because sex is not a one-way street.

Last but not least, be mindful of your headspace. If you’re letting yourself get distracted with a to do list or stressful deadlines during sex, you’re not going to be able to be fully in the moment and enjoy yourself. Instead, try focusing on being present with your partner. Don’t put pressure or expectations on yourself to orgasm. Listen to your body and what feels good, and of course, don’t force anything if you’re not in the headspace to have sex.8

Recognizing that many women don’t orgasm during vaginal sex is an important first step in destigmatizing the expectation’s surrounding women’s pleasure. In order to close the orgasm gap, both men and women need to understand that achieving an orgasm is a different process for every woman. Partners should create an environment where you are both comfortable candidly talking about sex and what you want from one another. ■