Where are all the good men in Bali?!

Due to a recent uptick in bad advice circulating around (hello pesky “life coaches”), Mama Bali feels compelled to open her DM’s to all of your troubles so she can impart her eternal wisdom.

“Honestly I’m starting to question if Bali dating scene is for me. I expected to have lots of options for quality men here. But in reality, I’ve almost given up after 4 years of trying… is it only me?” - Anonymous

Om Swastyastu, dear!

Many women get stuck in this “where-did-all-the-goodmen-go” story no matter where they live. Here in Bali a lot of dating frustration can be boiled down to one thing: a mismatch of motivation. Generally speaking, women come to the island for personal growth in its many forms. And for some, cinta is on the brain. There’s no doubt Eat, Pray, Love has subconsciously instilled asmall hope in all of us that we’ll find our happy-ever-after as soon as we are “healed.” So indeed, women often flock to Bali seeking inner transformation with a prince charming cherry on top. And for men? Oomph…

Guys come to Bali for business (specifically the #digitalnomadlife), surf, maybe the gym, driving loud bikes, and swiping on Tinder to locate any female with a pulse to straddle the back (of the bike and well... put two and two together, ladies!). You can find them after their scuba dives at the beach bars, bintang in hand; holding up traffic while running shirtless; fostering pitiful Bali pups for the purpose of getting attention from hot chicks like YOU, minding your own sweet spiritual business, doing your evening self-love beach walk. You can find them in Atlas, drooling at you like the monkeys right before they steal the hand sanitizer from your bag (true story). Or at your kirtan circle, kumbaya-ing with their shirt unbuttoned three buttons too many, exposing a sacred geometry pendant buried amidst their massage-oiled chest hair. And you can definitely find them licking their lips while piercing your soul during a tantric eye gaze meditation. And if you ever hear the line, “I’m a coach of coaches,” RUN.

These are the men on the wild merry-go-round of, “Yippee! I can work anywhere and date anyone!”

“Yee-haw! I have the attention span of a macaque and I will most definitely leave you on read!”

“Yaa-whoo! If I wasn’t already fully committed to my [amateur] bodybuilding career/my [sure-tofail-without-ever-really-starting] startup, I’d totally commit to YOU!”

And though it’s so much fun to fantasize that you’ll be THE ONE they’ll settle down for… you probably aren’t, sayang. No amount of faith, trust, or pixie dust will get these Peter Pans to shut down their Neverland until… they wake up one random day, exhausted, and realize by themselves that there really is magic to stability versus constant novelty.

See, perpetual Peter Pans have a subtle sadness to them. And over time, this weariness grows until they run out of steam for the “ohso-many-choices-can’t-decide” lifestyle. Plus a realization may finally come that they are stuck in an illusion of a choice, essentially dating copies of the same giggling boundary-less woman, while more emotionally mature, impressively accomplished women avoid them like the plague that they are. Some Peter Pans do finally decide to banish their shadow and say, “Give me the truth. Give me clarity on my values and goals. Give me someone to really fall in love with. I want off this merry-go-round.”

Now, now, dears. Though elusive, these men do exist in Bali. And their prime motivation? Well, they’re in Bali for the slow life, and the freedom to pursue their passions outside the pressure of the Western “machine.”

So the next time you encounter a male specimen of interest, ask these questions and feel into his responses. Listen for any signs of weariness in his tone.

• What’s your experience of dating in Bali?

• What’s your experience dating around the world?

• What’s it been like? How does it feel to have infinite options? Is it actually difficult?

To check how the male specimen feels about stability, you can ask him these questions (remember, don’t ask in a judging way, but with sincere interest)...

• What are you working on?

• What do you want to achieve?

And since we are hitting the hard truths, acknowledge that you too may need to answer some serious questions. Are you living in a wounded bitter past? Do YOU know what you want? Do you know what you need? Are you chasing the wants before the needs? Are you able to hold strong, OgohOgoh-defying boundaries? Are you looking for a man to fulfill you or are you capable of making yourself happy?

Sampai jumpa, until next time. Mama Bali’s out!

As always for your head and heart problems I am joined by our resident psychologist Dr Anastasia Sitka. You can find her gentle power alpha mama wisdom on IG: @drsitka