Monofonus Press
&
Give You
THE LOVE FILES (512)481-BONE
Dear friends and future lovers, We thank you so much for picking up a copy of the Drunk Dial zine. You will find HOURS of entertainment and titilation in the following pages. Speaking of titilation, summer is upon us. We hope you all have enormorous, grand days full of sun, sex and bad decisions. For us, mostly it will be biker shorts, banana clips, bras, white wine, sweat, and dickly delights*wink wink wink wink wink*. We promise our show will be back on soon, buttttttt we haf to be lazy this summer sooooooo, yeah, don’t worry, it’s gonna happen. We WILL be doing fun events though, so we better see you out and about. As always, cherish your body, your friends, your lovers, your pets, your bottles of booze and your wardrobe. And dont forget, even if you think noone loves you, Drunk Dial loves you. Uncondtional, bebe4ever. Best, DRUNK DIAL
WHISKEY DICK SOUR 1 twinkie 3 shots of whiskey(preferably George Dickel) lemon unwrap a twinkie, douse with 3 shots of whiskey, garnish with a lemon curl. A TRULY INTOXICATING EXPERIENCE!
PEACOCKTAIL 4 oz orange juice 2 oz tequila 1/2 oz grenadine orange slice for garnish maraschino cherry for garnish 1 Parasol Drink umbrella 1 penis swizzle stick a SLUTTY DISPOSITION pour the tequila and then orange juice over ice, then slowly add the grenadine. dump the orange slice and cherry in. Add the umbrella and the swizzle stick, and any other eye catching accessories. WERK!
WET DREAMSICLE 1oz of cream 1oz of orange juice 1oz of orange liquor crushed ice one big ice cube as much vodka as you feel put crushed ice in the shaker, then add the vodka, then oj, then orange liquor. Shake it up! Then pour into the cocktail glass, add the big ice cube, and dribble the cream atop the ice cube. “CREAM, GET ON TOP�
Shirt Cocking [shurt kok-in] verb 1. Wearing only a shirt, with no clothing covering the bottom half, exposing a penis 2. Porky-piggin’ it. If you don’t have time to take your shirt off, don’t bother taking your pants all the way off, absolutely no shirt-cocking allowed! Vaginally Expressionally [vaj-uh-nl-ee ik-spresh-uhn-aw-lee] loose verbish 1. Female orgasm accompanied by ejaculation 2. Squuuuuirting He thought I was peeing, but he’d just never seen anyone vaginally expressionally before, poor fella.
Lesbian Doritos [lez-bee-uhn doe-ree-toes] noun 1. popcorn dusted with nutritional yeast, most often prepared by homosexual women 2. Sapphic Snack I’ve got a copy of High Art on DVD and a bag of organic popcorn, do you have any nutritional yeast for Lesbian Doritos? Baby-Bird [bey-bee burd] noun/verb 1. Spitting a shot from your mouth into the mouth of another, similar to a mama bird feeding her young 2. Gross/sexy way to do shots It’s amazing how drunk you can get just from baby birding every person on the social ride! Upstairs Dick [uhp-stairz dik] noun 1. A mind phallus, living or fucking with the mind of a penis, even when no biological cock is present or in working order. 2. Penis in your braaaaaain. I don’t think the guy I’m seeing was born with a dick, but his upstairs dick is so huge I can hardly tell!
Drunk Dial: Why did you sign up for Drunk Dial matchmaking? Lizzie: I signed up more for fun, because I liked the idea that it wasn’t an anti Valentine’s day, but more of a pro “let’s hook up” Valentine’s day which sounds like more fun than spending it alone. And my friends coerced me into it. We got drunk before we went, I thought I was going into it more for a fun night with my friends than finding love. Tyler: Well I’m pretty sure Emily coerced me into doing it. I said no, and then I said yes, and then I said no, and finally I just did it. It required a Xanax, and copious booze. I went down to this place to meet this girl, and then she wasn’t there, so I thought fuck it, I’ll go back and hang out with my friends, and then this gal walks down the way with her little badge, and I had to go track her down. DD: Did you go home together that night. L: Yes, but only to two step at his house. DD: Is that all? L: Well we’re not very good two steppers. So we may have ended up horizontal. DD: What was your next date? T: The party was on the 12th, so on Valentine’s day proper, my roommate and I made a big ol’pot of chili, and I was all nervous, but
I called her and she came over and ate chili and drank some beer. L: The next date we went to Justine’s. DD: When did you know you were falling in love? T: We were spending damn near every day together, and one night we went were swimming in the Omni hotel pool, probably being indecent (stern look from Lizzie) I’m sorry, we weren’t being indecent in the pool and we cut out and were sitting on the curb smoking cigarettes and I guess we decided to move in together. L: No, no, you’re skipping things. We were moving quickly, but not that quickly. It’s hard to say when we knew, cause we were spending so much time together. I know I said it first, probably a few weeks into it. We actually decided to move in together on April Fools. DD: So 2 ½ months after meeting? L: Yeah. We decided to play a trick on my friend Abbie. Tyler pulled her aside to tell her that he was moving to Portland, and didn’t know how to tell me he’ll be gone in a month. She couldn’t believe it and said, oh, well, take her with you! And then that’s when Tyler decided maybe Abbie’s right and I should move in with her. DD: Why do you love Lizzie? T: She’s probably my favorite person I’ve ever spent a huge amount of time with. We get along so perfectly, and she’s hilarious. She makes me laugh, and she can drink soooo well. I really appreciate that in a woman. We can drink each other under the table. We play tag. I’ve never wanted to spend so much time with anyone, even when we fight it’s kind of fun. It’s all just pretty much perfect. L: And why I love Tyler? DD: Why not? L: I’ve never been with someone who I’ve done so much stuff with or have been so interested in doing things with. We do new things together, we built a chicken coop and raise chickens and indulge each other in eating and drinking at new restaurants. T: We brew beer together, we made a garden together. L: He makes me wanna try new things. He teaches me things, and it’s all fun. DD: Are your eyes a little wet, Tyler? T: No, no.
L: Oh my god, he’s crying! DD: Tyler, how’s your life changed since meeting Lizzie? T: I don’t read as much. L: Hey! T: That’s a good thing! I spent way too much fucking time reading. The girlfriends I was with before, I didn’t want to spend time with so I read. Showing her how to do the several things I know how to do is really fun, learning things from her is really fun, it makes me want to be really proactive and less reclusive. L: I don’t have to clean up after myself as much as I used to! I get to luxuriate in bed while he does laundry. DD: Where do you see yourselves in 10 years? L: Right here at the Yellow Jacket, I hope. With you Emily, full on Mexican food. T: We’ll probably be babysitting Emily and Jodi’s kids, taking them on walks in the woods, teaching them to tie their shoes cause their mama’s are too drunk to teach them how to do much of anything. Teaching them what their names are, the little things. DD: What advice do you have for someone meeting someone in a non traditional way? L: Xanax worked well for Tyler. Don’t have high expectations? Wait, I mean go into it without expectations. Just get drunk and have sex and see if you like that or not. T: Don’t worry ‘bout your damn self so much. Worry about the other person. I’m best when I’m paying attention to the other person. Makes things a lot easier. DD: How do you feel about matchmakers? T: You nailed it! Awkwardest day of my life, was a lovely day of my life. L: Emily and Jodi are good matchmakers. Emily is probably the wisest person I know, she made a good choice with us, I’d trust her with yours, dear reader.
DADDYBUTT MOESHA LESBIANDORITOS UPSTAIRSDICK PEACOCKING SHIRTCOCKING BABYBIRD FRIENDPOCALYPSE PILLOWQUEEN DICKSTORM
PUSSYSTORM MATCHMAKING WHISKEYDICK MOONPICNIC JAMESON SEQUINS GILBERT LEMMY JODI EMILY
Dear One,
Been looking for love in all the wrong places? Can’t
find love? Heartsick over your heart’s desire? Love ‘em and hate ‘em in the same moment? Lost your bottle of love potion #9? Hook up or not? Is the sizzle gone?
Slow down, take a deep cleansing breath, relax and
listen to mama. Been road hard and put up wet more than I want to remember. But now that mama’s found her own true love, she’s eager to share all her hard learned lessons. Lesson #1 for Singles - Get out there and mingle. Go out with/date anyone and everyone that you meet. Seriously, let everyone know you are available and looking, enlist family, friends, co-workers, the person sitting next to you at the bar, on the beach, the internet and so forth. Be smart about it but date them all, tall, skinny, short, fat, bald, beautiful, boring, exciting, young, old, you get the idea.
Let me tell you the many reasons why. . . one should
be obvious, it’s all about the law of averages, as in, you’ll have more accidents the more miles you drive. The more you people you meet, the more opportunities to find the your one and only. You’re gonna groan over this reason but basically treasure hunting takes effort and hard work, so do
it. The most significant reason is two-fold. I guarantee you will learn more about yourself than anyone. We can all very easily tell someone what we don’t like but only a truly self aware person can tell you what they like and need in a relationship. Now remember, I didn’t say bed them all, that’s up to you. Nor did I clarify what date/go out with entails, again, up to you. Just make a sincere effort to learn about the other person and treat them with kindness and respect ‘cuz sometimes dating is brutal, don’t add to the ugly, you don’t need to be collecting negative karma. I ramble, sorry, the second fold is you need to truly define who you are before you meet the right one for you. Hang on to your seat this is powerful, drum roll please, if you don’t know yourself good and bad, you will fuck up the best thing with all of your very own garbage/baggage. And other people make the very best mirrors so we can see ourselves.
Enough already, gobble up as many life experience
as you can, you can stop and savor the feast at times but don’t ever stop gobbling or you may miss the very best
Love, MOM
Dear Drunk Dial Fans, Since becoming Miss Drunk Dial I’ve been getting just as drunk as ever. I’ve been wearing my tiara around the kitchen, particularly when making margaritas and heating up frozen corn dogs. I have given a lot of my time and money to the Yellow Jacket Social Club. I’ve also been practicing my tap dancing and choreographing new routines to Van Halen songs. I continue to fuck my boyfriend Max and work on my drawings of people 69-ing on giant floating pizza slices.* Peace, Love, Blowjobs
*see inside cover
Wondering where to take your date? Take them to do cool stuff. This is how you get LAID, people. Video games, talking about your band and smoking weed will only woo so far. SHITTY KITTY BINGO
Every last Wednesday of the Month, you have a chance to win either a Kindle or a bag of actual cat shit. If this doesn’t convince you, maybe snagging a big screen TV, the comedic stylings of Rebecca Havemyer, drink specials, pole dancing, free chili, beautiful gays, cold hard cash, and the chance to see cats model(through pictures), will allure you into coming to Rain for this shit show(literally). It usually starts around 10, but get there early for a table.
ALIEN SHE
Get your exploration of body, sights and sounds on at Bernadette’s every 1st Saturday of the Month. From 10-1, Young Creature and James Blonde and a slew of special guest Dj’s bring you the best in female, queer, and really fucking good music. When the dancing happens its really poppin’ off, but if not its THE best place to get together and have a smoke and a make out.
CHANDELIER
Paul Soileau(everything he touches turnes to gold running with glitter) and Russell Reed have put together a hot mess lounge routine that will leave you with tears in your beers and bears in your tears. Chain Drive is the place to be every last Thursday of the month for a tribute to the ‘ladies’ of the gay quilt of song. Last month they did songs by women who married fags and doormats because their careers were way more important. This is the stuff of dreams!!!! Get there at 10, hug your bears, dance with friends, and celebrate the lovely ladies of gay obsession.
WHO WANTS A DOLLAR TRIVIA
Nothing is more sexy than being smart. Use it. Take your date to one of the many nights of trivia at The Grackle, Sidebar, Shangrila and many more. If you are shy, this is perfect. Drink specials loosen the mood, and at least you don’t have to come up with small talk. Order a drink, answer some questions, get your dick suckkkkkeddddd! Find out about the dates and times at www.whowantsadollar.com
MOUTHFEEL’S ROLLERDISCO
Put on something sexy and loud and shiny. Pick up a 6pack. Get to the Millennium Youth Center. Put on some Roller skates. Show off your baby fawn awkward skate moves. Meet someone. Make out by the soda Machine. Duh. www.facebook.com/mouthfeel
M4M PragmaticLove swm iso partners in crime. Im for realz after the big stuff: write home to mama - turkey dinner-smitten, but until then I get by with scruff late night craigslistin and the occasional spoon/make out dandy to temper the lack. BUSY BUSY BUSY Narcissistic writer with terrible time management skills seeks understanding dinner date. Last-minute flaking is the norm, so be a time-waster. Must agree that red wine is a food group. DirtyOldMan Seeks nice guy to share his kitty paintings with. Beer and 420 friendly a plus! Please be old enough to buy the beer. Let’s Party! MOESHA GHM,25,celiac, lking 4 m4mm action. Lking 4 Roleplay. I am a bad student and I am out of control. Only untraditional and xtreme punishment will work for me. must be 420, popper friendly. No gluten plz. Last of the Famous International Playboys Scruffy 33 y/o looking for sweaty bromantic times with a laid back dude who’ll high five me after he shoots his hot load all over my hairy chest. Only reply if you’re awesome! Long haired, seeking same Im Zach and new to town from NYC. Im a photographer and travel a lot for shoots. Looking for a guy that likes to go to hella shows and festivals!! I have long hair and wanna meet a guy that does too! Total turn on.
SHY HUNTER Versatile, hot, weird-hearted magical realist 30/m, seeks gentleman of character, 25-40 for adventure, exploration, laughs. You be hot & down for whatever, I’ll be cool & curious. Quick wit & open mind a must. Only boring people are bored. Terrible Flirt Seeks Regular Boner Donor 30 year old mixed tall thing with great lips and an exceptional head of hair seeks smart handsome funny and gentlemanly for cooking, camping, hiking, swimming, and lazing/sleeping, like a loooot of lazing/sleeping. Bonus ipods for someone who will read out loud to me. Gross Beardy, drunk artist seeking cute bottoms who are smart, funny and scruffy. Please have kind of a gross vibe. You know? Like: you’re still totally hot, but everything you say is sort of awful, but you’re SO FUN. Sweetie with a Wild Side Looking for LTR, I love social bikerides, running town lake, hairy is a plus! I’m 6feet, 165lbs,30 waist,swimmers build, smooth, Hispanic, 28yo. Please be hwp. Like the outdoors, I like the lumber jack look. Ex: hairy toned chest, mid 30s, beard, rugged and humble. Are you out there?
W4W Your New Favorite Date You: Unassuming intellectual with a wild side. The kind of woman who will intimidate dinner party guests with her expansive vocabulary after sneaking to the bathroom to polish off that bag of mushrooms.
Breeders TacoTime Me: Long, lean, cooks, drinks, dances, eats. You: Lovely, curvaceous, laughs drinks, eats. Anytime’s taco time. Call me. Bunny single white male skewing the line between dirty and hipster seeking female. wingnut tendencies and short shorts a must. Law & Order pizza leisure time. Bounce dancing queer glitteratti. elbow grease trash punks. cigarettes/coffee a plus. no drama. hi-fives. YAHEARD! CrewCut 32y/o handsome clean cut military dude looking for either bad girl with lots of tats or hippy girl with lots of love. In shape and loves animals and the outdoors, more than people. Let’s eat organic and swim naked. shag a skinny ginny Beautiful NY cock. multi-orgasmic. No satanists. No potheads. Trouble Seeking power partner to take over the world! Independent curvy-cute woman looking for a man with a job and a plan. Must share an inexplicable love for Terry Gross and kitchens. Unibrows ok. Let’s make trouble. Spirit Animal: Bison Tall woolen beast of Earth Bearded and Roaming Looking for a Lady of Air Light as a feather, moves like wind And brilliant as Lightning
Party Nerd 35 year old, 6 feet tall, 185 lbs, local musician and certified nerd, looking for a girl who’s into music, art and literature, with a good sense of humor and outgoing. Bonus points for having shit together. Awesome It would be awesome to have fun with a woman who is high energy, active outdoors, loves going for a bike ride, loves beer and red headed guys with a beard. Not Dumb and Tacky Everyone else is dumb and tacky. They don’t realize this. We should make it clear to them. Then we’ll drink whiskey, eat nachos, and fuck. My cat might watch if we do it at my place. No smoking. Crazy Talented and Beautiful Seeking an artist with a big cock, hot, funny and can make me squirt. I’m crazy in a ladylike way. Get out of my dreams and into my car Which is a Mercedes by the way. This fancy lady is a whole package kinda girl; green eyes, wild blonde mane, big bawdy body, and a contagious smile. I’m looking for big strong gentleman callers for nights out, moon picnicking, sleeping in, back rubs (er you rubbing my back that is), and late night drunk laughs.
Whatever DRESS UP I want a partner to role play with all over town. M/F/T who cares. Go slumming at the theater, restaurants, bars, you name it. Romancing as someone else and make a scene doing it. ME: Male/35
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