Alpha DAD An heroic guide to being a dad and holding down a job in the first year Preamble ─ your hopes and fears for the future
Why on earth would you read this book? Most of us rugged menfolk know next to nothing about babies, as distinct from kids in general. When it comes to children, from about the age of four or five upwards, the greater majority of us can claim at least some level of experience – namely relatives, children of friends and neighbourhood kids mooching ominously around your car first thing in the morning. Small children simply appear to get about more, plus they can talk – pretty much incessantly, when the mood strikes. Babies, on the other hand, tend to feature about as much in your life, frankly, as street furniture from a visual point of view, or a noisy stereo, if we are talking audio. They don’t appear to get out very much and when they do it’s rarely to places you go (i.e. the pub, the bookies, your mates’ house). If we see them in the street they are invariably disguised as a heap of blankets being pushed around in a buggy. If they happen to make a noise, we simply move away – usually into the nearest pub, bookie or single male friend. It’s not that we don’t like them, we just don’t really have an opinion, that’s all. This is not helped by the following facts either: One. We can’t actually remember being a baby. Most adult memory kicks from the age of three, usually coinciding with the first time we fall off something high (i.e. chairs, stairs) onto something hard (floor, head). Anything before that is a complete mystery, so we have nothing to actually relate to, for starters; not a shred of ‘evidence’ – for want of a better word – upon which we can base an informed opinion upon. We cope with this by not having one at all generally.
Two. The fairer sex has very strong opinions on the other hand, which usually go like this: Ages 1-12, loves babies, have one in plastic that they cuddle and tick off on equal measure, put in unlikely places to sleep (dog’s bed, airing cupboard, upside down in tree). They obviously prefer the real thing though, when they can get their hands on one. 13-17, source of cash from baby-sitting. Now they love babies all the more because the income that they bring in enables frequent shopping trips to Top Shop, with best mates Jasmina-Madonna and ‘Chelle. Added to this, baby-sitting babies is generally a doddle and crucially the only place you get to watch TV undisturbed with total remote dominance. Between 18-26 girls generally avoid babies, babysitting at that age makes you look like a single mother or au pair, and having one around ones person might make you look frumpy and/or desperate by association. Most females at 20 declare that they will never have children, then at 27 sudden blind panic strikes about dying childless and lonely surrounded by cats, and so on… Three. Men don’t get pregnant. In fact the very idea of living with prospect that one day somebody will be growing inside you is frankly really, really weird. How can we compete with this? For us we are born therefore babies must exist –at the very least on some philosophical level but, beyond that, they hardly get another thought. Until someone we know very well – someone we have most probably agreed to look after and provide for – has one. Invariably, this event takes us by complete surprise, even when you’ve had nine months to digest the news. Your wife or partner may walk around for the better part of nine months looking like she’s eaten the telly and you have most probably seen your child in black and white, as a sort of grainy kidney bean scan – but the reality almost never sinks in until your wife-stroke-partner is lying in front of you, bathed in sweat, job done, so to speak. If she is conscious, she will look euphoric yet strangely calm – in a way you suspect you will simply never ever be, however much pilates you might decide to do. She will be holding what looks, for all the world, like a giant prune wrapped in a pink or blue bundle. For these reasons (in part), a mother’s level of attachment to the unborn or the very recently new-born child is frankly rare in a man. However, in a matter of days, you will find that you start to love this prune more than anything you have ever loved before – most tellingly, even yourself. Trust me on this.
Unsurprisingly (and this is my point, finally), most baby books seem to be written for mums, frankly, or those who have the job of caring for baby MOST of the time, which is fair enough. And let’s face it, although the average time that the father spends caring for a child has more than doubled from the one hour a day twenty years ago – this is up from an hour a month post Victorian era and no more than passing recognition until they were eighteen before that and they could pitch in stealing cattle from your neighbours – the buck tends to stop with women by and large. By that I mean that back-up care is certainly down to us, bringing home the bacon for the time being, bath times, reading stories, fitting car seats and bottle feeding – but the real hours are actually put in by the mother. Namely being up half the night, major nappy changes, hours spent keeping him/her amused on a baby mat, dealing with diarrhoea… the list is endless. Nevertheless, whilst not trying to earn a living, we do have a role to play. However, baby books tend to be either too detailed, i.e. simply too much reading for not enough hard information; holistic, whatever that may be; and sometimes just downright cheeky. At the other end of the scale, namely fiction -‘Bloke Lit’ is just far too anguished. I don’t want a moan, I want to do something useful. Shortly after our first son, Jude, was born, I searched in vain for a (short) book that will give me the basics on how to perform my part as a working dad and above all enjoy the experience insofar was possible. So as well as aiming to be a pithy handbook, this book then should also be a celebration of fatherhood. And not at the expense of motherhood – the roles are just different, that’s all.
How will you read this book? One-handed, most probably. This book designed in short chapters that are easily read – roughly one section in each chapter can be absorbed per average bottle feed or trip to the bog. Large books are all very well if your changing mat happens to come with a lectern.
Contents 1. Pregnancy: What should be happening right about now? • Scans • Antenatal classes • Government allowances and employer responsibilities • Shopping budgets • Final few days • Birth Facts and figures Useful websites
2. First 4 weeks: What should be happening right about now? • Daily care • Family and In laws • Work • Tax credits and Child allowance • Social life • Task management Facts and figures Useful websites
3. 1- 3 months: What should be happening right about now? • Sleep and establishing a routine • Sickness, symptoms and remedies • Babysitters and help in general • Facts and figures Useful websites
4. 4-6 months: What should be happening right about now? • Teething • Solid food • Bathtimes • Bedtimes • Games • Facts and figures Useful websites
5. 7-9 months: What should be happening right about now? • Nursery schooling • Reducing nursery costs (salary swap) • Alternatives to nursery • Showing off in public do’s and don’t do’s of playground etiquette Facts and figures Useful websites
6. 10-12 months What should be happening right about now? • Getting about, walking and crawling • Preparing for number 2 • Financial planning Facts and figures Useful websites
7. Further information
Chapter One Pregnancy: What should be happening right about now?
I won’t intrude on how it all began but basically the first you know of anything being up, so to speak, is a series of confusing signals from your partner, most of us simply choose to ignore in our own inimitable way. If your girlfriend or wife’s period is late, chances are she simply won’t let on. Dozens of false alarms throughout her teens and twenties will have hardened her somewhat and made her realise that getting pregnant is simply not a simple case of lavatory hygiene or ‘French’ kissing. Instead, after about 7 or 8 weeks, she will start to feel tired and the possibility that this could be IT, will, in all fairness, start to play on her mind. Plus she will probably be feeling as sick as a mongrel. This may lead to a general rattiness. If you are the sensitive, bleeding heart, liberal type you may now begin to suspect something is odd – you may even put two and two together, based on the fact that after almost 10 straight weeks you haven’t had conjugal rights withdrawn for anything more serious than usual minor infractions. Your partner’s breasts may get bigger. This should not be trumpeted as a cause for celebration in itself. Scans and Antenatal classes The first scan will usually be at around 8 weeks, in order to date the baby’s birth and then you’ll do it all again at 20 weeks, assuming you and your partner want one at all. There is a body of opinion acknowledging that bombarding your undeveloped child with high frequency sound may not good for him or for her. Like x-rays, when you dentist helpfully provides you with a snapshot of what your corpse will one day look like, the scan is probably something best taken in moderation. Some couples don’t go for the first dating scan, others forgo all scans entirely. Most of us, who are naturally more curious, happily take half a day off work and go along to the local hospital
where these things usually take place. Even when it all goes well, this first scan can be a bit of a let down for the father and mother to be. You hear comments like. ‘The shot is too grainy’, ‘the unborn looks like a kidney bean’, and ‘how come she gets to lie down in the comfy chair?’ Personally, I don’t see it like this at all. At 8 weeks the child is almost fully recognisable as a human being (not bean), an entirely unique individual that you, presumably, have had a hand in creating. For me, the first scan is proof that the most important part of the process, the sperm and the egg, forming into a little human with arms, legs eyes and – most importantly, a tiny beating heart, has safely taken place. For all our intellectual leaps into digital technology, splitting atoms and spin-cycle washing machine technology, this is the one process we are never likely to fully understand, which just makes it all the more miraculous. Finally, this minuscule dab on the scan will love you both at least as much as you love them. There’s a lot riding on an eight week old foetus’ tiny shoulders. Ostensibly the second scan at 20 weeks is to check for the following: Cranial development -can sometimes show if the child has Downs Syndrome (see note on Amniocentisis below). Vascular development, i.e. is the aorta supplying the kidneys, lungs, heart etc. with blood. Sex of the child (although for both of our boys we were treated to a full frontal at 10 weeks that left little room for possibility or doubt). If you don’t want to know, my advice is look away, ultra-sound scans just aren’t that grainy. Prenatal Diagnosis Most babies are born healthy, but a small-ish number (about 1 in 30) are born with a problem. Some problems are more severe than others and about 1 in 50 babies in the UK are born with a serious disability. Sometimes, a baby may be the first person in a family to be affected. Examples of genetic disorders include cystic fibrosis, thalassaemia, sickle cell anaemia, Down syndrome, Duchenne muscular dystrophy. Babies may also have problems that do not have a simple genetic cause, such as Spina Bifida. Prenatal diagnosis can be used to find out whether an unborn baby has a serious problem. It is important to note that not all conditions can be detected. Amniocentesis and Chorionic Villus Sampling Amniocentesis is a test on an unborn baby’s genes or chromosomes, done while the baby is in the womb. A fine needle is passed through the skin and
the abdomen into the womb, and a syringe is used to remove a sample (about 15mls or 3 teaspoonfuls) of the fluid that surrounds the baby. The fluid surrounding the baby contains some of the baby’s skin cells and these can be examined in the laboratory to check the baby’s genes and chromosomes. Up to 1 woman in 100 will have a miscarriage as a result of having an amniocentesis. This means that 99 out of 100 pregnancies should continue normally. Chorionic Villus Sampling involves obtaining a small number of cells from the developing placenta, which has the same genes as the baby. It is done between 10 and 12 weeks of pregnancy. The test is done as an outpatient procedure. It is advisable that you come for Chorionic Villus Sampling with your partner or a friend. An ultrasound scan is done first to check the position of the baby and the placenta. There are two possible ways to obtain a sample. It can be taken in much the same way as a smear test is done, through the vagina. Most women say that this feels like a smear test and is not painful. The sample can also be obtained using a needle inserted through the skin and the abdomen and into the placenta, in a similar way to an amniocentesis. In general about 1-2 women in 100 will have a miscarriage as a result of having Chorionic Villus Sampling. Individual obstetric centres usually have their own risk figures, which may be slightly lower than this. Ante natal classes The next item on a rapidly baby-biased agenda. Ante natal classes are organised by the government and are generally run by two sorts of people: bossy old trouts who like to tell you how much harder it was in their day because all babies had heads shaped like anvils and the birth generally had to take place in an air raid shelter or in a puddle, in the middle of a wood. When pushed, they concede that even today it’s not pretty – there will be wailing and gnashing, strong drugs, bright lights and icy-cold metal objects. The second type is jollier and well-meaning – for them the birth is a beautiful experience; after a relaxing foot rub, the baby will slip into the room barely remarked upon, as the mother delights to the tinkle of Chinese wind chimes and the smell of scented candles recently purchased from the hospital shop. Aromatherapy features highly on the agenda in her classes and you may even find yourself signing up for the birthing pool – so bring trunks. As ever, the truth lies in between. Nevertheless, one area that they are all agreed upon is the father’s role.Starting with the premise that ‘this is all his fault in the first place’,
fathers are generally assigned the part of the culprit. Your partner will be secretly delighted by all this as, after 3 or 4 months of morning sickness, they secretly agree – plus, the guilt induced by our new role of pantomime villain, is a useful tool whichever way you look it. Your partner will conveniently forget that she was probably just as much up for a shag as you, when they realise that they can use the classes as a series of subtle manoeuvres to extract rash promises of future servitude from the father. This will culminate as the mothers right to lie-ins in perpetuity at the weekend whilst you and baby are left wander the streets aimlessly with all the other fathers who rashly attended antenatal classes. Do not, of course, try and fight this. At this stage the odds are stacked against you; firstly, from the point of view of numbers – not all fathers attend every week – and secondly, the fact that it is the mother who is actually lugging the unborn child around and will be for another few months, gives them the clear moral advantage. The real point of antenatal classes, from a father’s point of view, is the opportunity to meet new drinking partners in the immediate locality. Often, people who are about to have children have recently moved home, so this will prove useful over the coming 18 months or so. Shortly after the birth, you may find that the logistics of traveling more than 20 minutes for a quick beer of an evening can be insurmountable, so you need to think local. Government Allowances and employer responsibilities Inevitably, at this stage you are both going to be thinking about when a good time to give up work is (her not you, obviously). If this is a good pregnancy and there are no complications, then this entirely down to the mother and, inevitably, whether you can afford it. So it’s good to know what you are entitled to. Your rights to paternity leave 1 to 2 weeks. But to get paternity leave you must have been with the same employer continuously for 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due. You may take paternity leave even if you do not qualify for Statutory Paternity Pay (SPP). If you have 2 weeks these must be continuous, which is annoying, ie you cannot have 1 week and then another week some time later. You may not have the time as odd days spread over a longer period. Paternity leave is additional to your normal annual leave. To be entitled to paternity leave you must: • Be the baby’s biological father.
• Or be the mother’s husband, partner or civil partner. • Or be responsible for the baby’s upbringing. You must let your employer know 15 weeks before the baby is due (in writing if this is company policy) that you want to take paternity leave and whether you want to take 1 week or 2 consecutive weeks. If you need to change the start date then you must give you employer 28 days’ notice. Most importantly (unlike mum) you cannot take paternity leave before the baby is born. But, you can start the leave later than the birth of the baby, as long as it is completed within 56 of days of the birth (recommened). Statutory Paternity Pay SPP is paid by your employer for the 1 week or 2 weeks’ continuous paternity leave you have chosen to take. You are entitled to SPP if you have worked for the same employer for at least 26 weeks continuously by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due and you are earning an average of at least £90 a week (April 2009). How much is Statutory Paternity Pay? SPP is £123.06 a week or 90% of your average weekly wages, whichever is less (April 2009 rate). SPP is paid in the same way and at the same time as your normal wages or salary. How do you claim Statutory Paternity Pay? You must let your employer know 15 weeks before the baby is due when you want the SSP to start. If you need to change the start date then you must give your employer 28 days’ notice. Mother’s rights to maternity leave I have included these as a brief guide, really so you can compare notes. A pregnant woman is entitled to up to 52 weeks maternity leave, even if she does not qualify for Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) or Maternity Allowance. This is regardless of how long she may have toiled away for her employer. There are some exceptions; for example, women in the armed forces, though this may change. But for most women the law is pretty clear-cut As said, she can choose when to start maternity leave and how much she wants to take, with up to the 52 weeks allowed. The earliest she can start is 11 weeks before the baby is due. However, your maternity leave will start automatically if you are absent from work for a pregnancy-related illness within four weeks before the start of your expected week of childbirth.
Again, she should tell your employer by the end of the 15th week before your baby is due that you are pregnant, when your baby is due, and the date she intends to start your maternity leave. Also, she is entitled to reasonable paid time off work for antenatal care but not you. Statutory Maternity Pay SMP is paid for 39 weeks by her employer. She is entitled to SMP if she has worked for the same employer for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due. These can be part or full weeks. Her average earnings before tax and National Insurance (NI) Contributions in the eight weeks up to and including the 15th week before the baby is due must be £95 or more (April 2009 rate). • She must ask her employer for SMP at least 4 weeks before she plans to stop work. • She can choose when to start getting SMP. The earliest she can start getting it is 11 weeks before the baby is due. But, she can delay claiming up until the day following the birth. • She will usually have to pay tax and NI on SMP. • She can still get SMP even if you do not intend to return to work. • If she has two or more jobs, she may be able to get SMP from each employer. How much is Statutory Maternity Pay? The amount she gets depends on how much she earn. The first six weeks of SMP is 90% of her weekly wages. For the remaining 33 weeks it is either £123.06 a week or 90% of her average weekly wages, whichever is less (April 2009 rate). SMP is paid in the same way and at the same time as her normal wages or salary. How do she claim Statutory Maternity Pay? Her doctor or midwife will issue a certificate MAT B1 when she is about 6 months’ pregnant. She must show this to her employer when she claims SMP, at least 4 weeks before she want to stop work. Maternity Allowance She may be able to claim Maternity Allowance if she doesn’t qualify for SMP. For example, she may be self-employed, be on a low income, have recently become unemployed, or have recently changed employer. In our
case, Helene had worked for a short amount of time with autistic kids when she fell pregnant with Jude. About 15 weeks in to her pregnancy she was attacked by one and we promptly took the decision it was too risky for her to stay on. To get Maternity Allowance your partner must have: • Been working for an employer or been self-employed for at least 26 weeks in any of the 66 weeks up to and including the week before your baby is due. Part weeks are counted as full weeks. • And earned on average £30 a week or more in 13 of the 26 weeks. So, she may also be eligible to claim if she are not working now, but have worked recently. How much is Maternity Allowance? The allowance is £123.06 per week or 90% of her recent average earnings, whichever is less. (April 2009 rate). When is Maternity Allowance payable? If she is unemployed, Maternity Allowance will start 11 weeks before her baby is due. If she is working, she can start claiming 11 weeks before your baby is due, but she can delay claiming up until the day following the birth. It is paid for up to 39 weeks. Sure Start Maternity Grant The Sure Start Maternity Grant (SSMG) is a lump sum of £500. It is intended for people on a low income to help with buying things needed for a new baby. However, she can spend the money on anything. It can be claimed any time from the 29th week of pregnancy until the baby is three months old. People who are adopting a baby can also claim. This must be within three months of the adoption and the baby should not be more than 12 months old when you claim. It is payable if you or your partner receive Income Support, incomebased Jobseeker’s Allowance, income-related Employment and Support Allowance or Pension Credit. Some people who get Child Tax Credit or Working Tax Credit are also eligible, depending on circumstances. Your savings are not taken into account. Payment of the grant is conditional upon your providing evidence that she have received health advice from a health professional (GP, midwife or health visitor). This advice will cover the health and welfare of her and your baby. She will normally be given this advice during her routine antenatal and postnatal care.
Free prescriptions and dental care Now’s the time to stock up on drugs, have her teeth seen to and get glasses If you are pregnant or have had a child in the past year, you are entitled to free prescriptions, dental and some optical care. Get a form from her doctor, midwife or health visitor to apply for a prescription exemption certificate. Healthy Start scheme Healthy Start is a governmental scheme that provides free milk, fresh fruit and vegetables, infant formula, and vitamins to certain pregnant women and children. People who are eligible include the following: • If you are pregnant or have at least one child under four years old, AND she or your family are receiving: • Income Support • Or income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance • Or income related Employment and Support Allowance • Or Child Tax Credit and the family has an income below a certain limit (the limit in April 2009 was £16,040 or less) • If your partner is pregnant and under 18 years old Shopping Don’t fight it. Well meaning friends and relatives will gladly empty their attics and off-load unwanted children’s paraphernalia onto you, which seems like a great idea at the time. Then you will realise that giving them the keys to your Swiss ski chalet in return, buying their children extravagant Christmas presents or driving them to the airport at 4.30 in the morning, is a high price to pay for half a dozen washable vests. Embrace it. One trend that consumer marketing has got the measure of in recent years is fathers’ and fathers’-to-be buying habits when mooching around John Lewis or Mothercare©. There’s hardly ever any VAT on baby gear and it generally costs a fraction of grown up stuff. The first time I visited the latter, I contented myself with sulking in the entrance until the buggy section caught my eye. Buying a baby buggy is like choosing a car back in the 1920’s. There is a veritable sea of eccentric designs out there, very few are exactly the same and there appear to be new ones coming in every month, hot from the makers of Maclaren© and Landrover© to boot. Clearly they cater for every need – both real, and best of all, when it comes to gadget shopping – perceived. And they rarely cost more than the price of a car eighty years ago. Unlike today’s motors, which seem to fall into no more than about four basic categories whatever anyone tries to tell you, and will cost you a year’s salary, a buggy can be found for every need for around 150 quid. The real
revelation for me was that I had just discovered an outlet for my shopping creativity I hadn’t realised existed before. One thing you shouldn’t do now is drive around in an old heap that’s likely to lose important bits at short notice or break down. Ending up on the hard shoulder with a four-week old baby is not cute. On the other hand, don’t allow yourself to be pressed into buying a people carrier. One baby and two adults can happily still fit into a hatchback. Other areas of interest include electronic gadgetry and novelty items in general – such as infrared cameras to check on the baby without leaving the comfort of your duvet (amazingly retailing at around 15 quid), digital photo frames you plug into your computer so you don’t have to keep updating your family desk photo over the course of the first 2 years. Finally, the old favourite is always the baby monitor. The current one, chez nous, has a range roughly to the Moon, it is virtually indestructible and plays more tunes than your average ipod. See websites at the back. This might well be the most fun you’ve had since the conception, so enjoy it. Final few days Let’s face it, we’re not going to have a clue what goes in the over-night bag. So, packing nighties, nipple cream and having the first idea of what a newborn baby needs in the fashion department, is probably outside your scope of expertise. Making sure you spend a Saturday morning getting to know 6 different ways to the hospital is definitely a good manly activity. If you are not totally familiar with the area, then do the route different ways at different times of the day, especially during whatever passes for rush hour in your part of the world. You have probably noticed that your local hospital has some sort of expensive parking system in place – you might find it cheaper to take a cab or even to leave the car on a nearby trading estate where it will almost certainly be nicked. If you do decide to park, don’t grumble, just cough up, you’ve really got more important things to concentrate on for the time being. In case it turns out that you are in a real hurry, check that there is a drop off point at the entrance where you can stay for ten to fifteen minutes. Don’t be tempted to get self-righteous either and just dump you car in the spot reserved for ambulances and hearses. If you come back 6 hours later, at three in the morning, to find it has been towed to some wind buffeted brownfield site fifteen miles away, it’s your own fault. Bear in mind that delivering your baby was not the only item on the hospital’s agenda that evening. Births can drag. First born often are as reluctant to leave a safe environment with central heating and no discernable over-head, as the mother is to undergo the pain
and indignity of getting rid of them – even if it does have the fringe benefit of shedding two stone overnight. In case it turns into a 24 hour event, bring any form of entertainment you can lay your hands on – books, magazines, cassettes/ or CD’s, even a laptop; not so much so that you can go through your household expenses together in between contractions, but more if it has a DVD drive. There’s nothing like a good film to take your mind off painespecially if you’re not the one who is experiencing it. I wouldn’t make a song and a dance about it, as it might look as if you are expecting the worst or just not taking an interest. Call it your own over-night bag, it’ll make you feel important. You may find that a strange calm has stolen over your partner, so much the better. On the other hand she may be quietly terrified and start acting strangely. Your job is a fine balancing act between the strong silent type and stern decision maker. An example of this is when the contractions start. When Jude was born, my wife had started to have contractions about 8 hours previously. By 7.30pm, they were coming every 15 minutes, give or take – in view of this, she took the slightly odd decision to watch Antiques Road Show, take a painkiller and go to bed. Presumably she hoped it would be all over by the morning, when she awoke. The point being, when denial creeps in and it’s entirely understandable, given what’s just around the corner, then it is up to you to step in and get them where they need to be. And on time. The Birth This is like turning up at your older sister’s 16th birthday party uninvited. Times ten. No-one can deny your basic right to be there but frankly you’re going to feel awkward and you almost certainly won’t know what to do with your hands. Unlike your sister’s party though, there won’t be any 6th Formers to look at and your partner will thank you for handing around drinks and cheesy Wotsits. Toughen yourself up a few weeks beforehand by watching American chainsaw-based films and hanging out in butchers’ shops. Talking of butchers, eat a lot of red meat right about now – the protein is good for you, plus you probably won’t fancy it for a while. Once at the hospital, you’ll sign in and then be shown to the Birthing Room. Sometimes maternity wards are a tad rushed, so they may give you the wrong suite initially. I’m not joking, last time we were moved twice. You can save everyone a lot of time, and the NHS money, by spotting some of the obvious flaws in room allocation yourself. These may include it being:
a) already occupied, b) full of brooms, mops and cleaning products c) back in the car park All birthing rooms look like cheap hotel rooms – however you’re the only one in any position to notice this because everyone else is far too busy working or being in agony. Natural birth versus C-section. I think that the following about sums it up for many women: A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.” “I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...” “Like this?” “A little more...” “Like this?” “No. A little more...” “Like this?” “Yes. Does that hurt?” “A little bit.” “Now stretch it over your head!” ‘To posh to push’, is the usual charge levied by mothers who opt for a natural birth, on those who book themselves in for a Caesarean Section in between shopping trips. Not having the roof off, so to speak, does have definite advantages. The recovery time from a natural birth is quicker, the mother can drive, pick baby up and not worry about post op infections, including ‘super bugs’. There is an argument to say that the endorphins released by the mother through the sheer relief of having survived the birth make her more relaxed in the first few hours and this is obviously good for baby who has quite a lot on his plate for now. A natural birth is also definitely less risky in most cases for the mother and child. The estimated risk of a woman dying after a Caesarean birth is less than one in 2,500. The risk of death after a vaginal birth is less than one in 10,000. See www.childbirth.org for more details on the medical the pros and cons. However, there are quite a few advantages for Caesarean Section births-namely you can book the birth in conveniently between shopping trips
and business meetings, the procedure is relatively quick, babies scooped out of the womb through a gaping hole in your partner’s tummy, as opposed to being squeezed like toothpaste down the birth canal, don’t look so much like their head has been kept in a vice then attacked by bees. The main advantage, for the mother, in any case, is no pain during the procedure. The pain does come after in the form of a large scar that takes four weeks to heal, but human nature will always lead us to defer pain. It’s not always bad, a friend of ours was up in two days and off the pain killers. My sister, however, took months before she was able to do anything more strenuous than brush her teeth, and was never felt fully right until they took out all the scar tissue the next time she gave birth. Three years later. If you are having a natural birth, things are finally considered to be coming to a head, if you pardon the image, when your partner is around 10cm dilated. At this point position yourself squarely at the head of the bed and concentrate on making encouraging noises until it’s all over. Once dilation is around this point it’s likely to be fairly quick but hardly painless. Gas and air, epidurals, Tens – your partner will probably end up going for all three, correctly assuming that there is no point in making life harder than strictly necessary. Unless she decides to get up and go for a pint and a curry, at this stage you just have to go with the flow. Hearing your loved one screaming in agony and distress is no picnic and at times you do wish that you could spend the birth down the pub just like our grandfathers. Every birth has its own story, it’s all part of the drama. Ours came about just as things were nearing the end with Jude. Helene had a monitor strapped to her tummy that was supposed to be picking up the baby’s heartbeat. For some reason the midwife began to suspect that the monitor was, in fact, picking up Helene’s heart rate and not the baby’s. So all this time the reassuring pips had been Helene, rather than Jude. At this point the room suddenly filled with strangers in white coats who appeared from no-where and my mouth went horribly dry. One minute we were on our own with the midwife, as we had been for about three hours, our very own NHS Nativity scene; then, in the next 30 seconds, there were about eight people running around talking in controlled, yet urgent tones. It was decided that they would get another machine in right away and a ‘ping’, which is a kind of clip on a narrow stalk, would be attached to Jude’s head, which, as said, was now just visible. Whilst they were getting everything ready, I stared intently at the tiny crown of matted hair, looking for any signs of life. We had been trying for children for seven years and had been told more than once it was very unlikely Helene would ever conceive. We had
even got approved for adoption and been offered a little three year old girl just when Helene fell miraculously pregnant. Now it seemed that all those years living with the frustration and sadness of one miscarriage after another had been a walk in the park compared to this. The thought that his heart had given out long ago and that we’d be carrying on with the procedure, blithely unaware of the tragedy crossed my mind and I felt sick. The only consolation, at this stage, was that Helene, being in so much pain, wasn’t aware of the panic amongst the professionals that swept through the room. Then the Consultant Paediatrician came in looking fraught and I began to really worry. After what seemed like a very long time, the ‘ping’ was attached to Jude’s head and then to the machine. The signal flat-lined. There was no heart beat at all. Nothing had ever felt like this before. I stared at the ground which seemed out of focus – so this is what it felt like to lose a child before that child had even been born, the room had suddenly gone deathly quiet, and Helene was the only one unaware of what was happening. I took hold of her hand… “Whoops,” said the Nurse, “I plugged it in the wrong socket,” she continued, sounding for all the world like she was setting up a video at home. “Here you go.” A healthy heartbeat came through immediately. Loud and clear. “That’s definitely the baby?” I asked, trying not to sound hysterical. “Yes,” she said, reassuringly. “That’s your son.” Just as Helene gave a tremendous push and his tiny shoulders then the rest of his little body appeared. I needed a chair and a large drink. I had just had the worst and the best moment of my life and they’d both taken place within thirty seconds of each other. Facts and Figures Conception The genes from the mother and father fuse and become a new cell, distinct from the mother. This, incidentally, is called a zygote. It is pretty insignificant, size-wise at this time, being smaller than a grain of sand, but he or she already contains genetic code denoting gender, facial features, body type, colour of hair, eyes, skin, and possibly a good deal more. 2 weeks The child’s spinal column is starting to form, creating the nervous system. By the way, this is the point at which embryo experimentation is deemed inhumane and is therefore against the law.
3 weeks The baby’s heart starts to beat. Sir William Liley, the relatively eminent New Zealand perinatal physiologist, states: “By 30 days, just two weeks past [the] mother’s first missed period, the baby – one quarter of an inch long – has a brain of unmistakable human proportions, eyes, ears, mouth, kidneys, liver, an umbilical cord and a heart pumping blood he has made himself”. Incredible – or so I think, anyway. 8 weeks All of the child’s organs are present at least in a basic form, including the retina of the eye and the canals in the ear. His or her head, arms, legs, muscles and skin have all begun to take shape and the brain and nervous system begin to function. From now on the baby is called a foetus. Presumably because it’s also got feet. 11 weeks The baby at a whopping 3 inches long can produce complex facial expressions and even smile, respond to light, noise and pressure. 17 weeks Pretty much about now your better half will start to feel the baby kicking. Reassuring and a source of comfort for my wife, I started to crap myself at this point. 20 weeks Everything pretty much works, although the eyelids are still sealed shut. The baby starts to behave like a student, sleeping most of the time but occasionally waking up to stimulus. Around 22 weeks Perhaps incredibly, medical technology can enable babies born at this stage to survive outside the womb. Kallie Rogers, probably the smallest baby ever to be born in the UK, weighed only 12 ounces (340g) or a big orange. The smallest baby ever to have survived is thought to be Ambika Marula, born in 1998 in the United States. She was three months premature and weighed just over 11 ounces when astonished doctors delivered her at Shady Grove Advent Hospital near Washington, DC. Babies born at 23 weeks have a 17 per cent chance of survival. Babies born at 24 weeks have a 39 per cent chance of survival. Babies born at 25 weeks have a 50 per cent chance of survival. Twenty years ago, ap-
prox 20% of babies weighing less than 1,000gms (2lb 2oz) at birth survived. Nowadays, about 80% survive. 24 weeks Legal limit for abortion. 40 weeks Birth.