etymological suicide | Erica Such

etymological suicide

ERICA SUCH

nostalgia is an eidetic sensation manifested by the spirit when it desperately seeks shelter inside an ego shattered by

an asylum never found. elaborating secularly, nostalgia derives from the greek nostos, homecoming, and algos, pain. the pain of returning home. eventually settled on this definition,

i voyaged deep into the eldritch scenery of the living dead, the place where i inherited my eidolism, a belief in ghosts. eidos being greek for resemblance, the entity’s species, or

the image of an ideal. how devastating it is to return home, a once safe equilibrium slowly unwinding itself ever so violently into apparitions, built in an image where the ideal is to die.

a teenage rebel with an ebrious susceptibility to displacement in the form of domestic pillaging made an oasis out of my elegiac septennial year. the latin ebrietatem, drunkenness. intoxication

of a mind destined to fail. i raveled myself inside that house, prayed for your apology ex silentio, evident from your silence. your pathetic, excruciating stillness.

that nauseating quiet, persistent among the years long after we both condemned that evil shelter, eroded at my eviscerated sanctity, grief-stricken and ruined beyond love’s demanded virginity.

odi et amo. i hate and i love. you are my family. my misery. about your forgiveness, etiam si omnes, ego non. even if all others, i will never. i will never. despite this, in this estranged sorrow

i dive into, the pain of home was always your absence. stockholm syndrome or exasperated spite,

e causa ignota. it is unknown. excessive sentiment is nostalgia for a dream that never happened.

am i to unravel suddenly in the wake of this existential sacrilege,

bludgeoned into that sad and empty satisfaction of feeling sorry for myself,

tell my lovers to savor the incestuous epithet scorning the aftermath of my own damned episodic salacity brought on by that seventh year cerebral complex

i could never pray away. my chastity is long gone. i am your elated servant.