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Ask Flora
In the “Ask Flora” column, you can ask Flora McCormick, a Licensed Counselor and Parenting Coach, your parenting questions (about kids between ages 2 and 10) and read her advice here monthly.
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q:
With my 6-year-old, it seems like when I try to validate his upset feelings it just sends him deeper into those feelings. And sometimes I don’t want to validate his feelings because he is complaining about ridiculous things, blaming others for everything and not taking responsibility for his part in the situation.
A:
First, consider a review of your validation phrases to see if they are accidentally missing the mark. “I know you feel…” or “I understand you feel…” can actually deflate the validation by coming off as superior. Instead, try the simple template of “You seem (feeling word)” or “I notice you are (feeling word)” followed by a 10-second pause. This pause allows them to either share about that feeling or just sit in the supportive, non-verbal space of the moment. Then, follow with asking instead of telling. Ask “How could you solve that?” Or “What would you like to do about that?” Instead of telling them how to solve the problem or how to cheer up. These small shifts can make a huge difference in terms of how the validation is received by your child. As well as a likely improvement with their problem-solving and ownership of the solutions. 44
august 2022
Q:
I have a toddler that is saying 'no' to everything! We don’t even use the word ‘no’ very much with her, so I don’t know where it’s coming from or how to stop it.
A:
Toddlers are such a unique chapter of humanity. Picture yourself being 2, 3 or 4 years old. You are so excited to have more freedoms: walking, talking, running and carrying your own things. It’s very exciting. Meanwhile, these tall humans around you seem to have a lot of opinions on what you should and shouldn’t be doing. For many young children, up to 80% of the words they hear from adults involve some form of “do this” or “stop that.” Toddlers get very frustrated when their newfound freedoms are met with so many forms of correction or direction. Without more advanced cognitive abilities, saying “no” may be their way of trying to exercise more power in the situation. That makes this a great chapter to engage the toddler in ways that empower them to be the one with the answers, because we have cleverly used questions instead of commands.
Phrases like:
» What’s next in our bedtime routine chart? » Where do our shoes belong? » How can your hands play with the sand on the ground (instead of in the air)?
This overrides the likelihood of a no response because of what scientifically happens in the brain. Engaging their brain to solve the problem triggers the part of the child’s brain that is eager to do the right thing.
