5 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
A: When it comes to toys – less really is more: Consider this year as an opportunity to evaluate how fewer gifts can lead to more fulfillment. Joshua Becker, author of Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life says, “Kids with less toys develop longer attention spans, take greater care of things and become less selfish.” In addition, he notes, “Kids who get everything they want believe they can have everything they want.” So, this can be a great opportunity to experience the joys of simplicity.
A conversation before the trip could focus on sharing with your child that there will be just as much joy, with fewer items. Explain the values that are driving your choice to spend some holiday funds on the trip instead of other gifts. You may even be pleasantly surprised with how less stuff can improve your child’s overall happiness over the holidays, and nurture the inner qualities of gratitude.
You could wrap gifts that represent the values of your holiday vacation:
If you are choosing a family trip, have a discussion with your child about why you chose it as a part of the holiday giving season. I imagine it’s because you wanted to give the gift of fun memories, adventure and time together. Perhaps you could wrap a picture frame that is intended to hold a picture of your child’s favorite adventure from the vacation, or a ticket that the child can use when it’s time for admission into the theme park you are visiting.
A: Sibling conflict is something many parents loathe, and yet few parents feel equipped to improve. Here are some guiding principles. 1. Leave out the f-word: The worst f-word in sibling rivalry is “fault.” If you come into moments of conflict as the judge and jury, always looking to determine whose fault it was, you can unintentionally fuel more sibling fights. When a child gets named the “bad guy,” it often fuels more sneakiness and resentment – especially if you may have come to an unfair verdict, if you didn’t truly see all that happened in the conflict.
Instead, focus on putting the kids in the same boat. If there is screaming, hitting or an inability to solve the problem, then both kids should be asked to walk away from the activity (and perhaps even take a break in their room or with a different activity, in separate spaces). Expect both parties to take responsibility for the conflict, even if one did the “egging on” and the other chose to hit.
2. Teach conflict-mediation strategies. A parent in my coaching group this week shared her “a-ha! moment” on this topic, saying, “I know I tell my kids a lot to figure it out with each other…but I have done very little to equip them with ways to do that!” She realized she was expecting her kids to “be nicer,” “take turns,” “get along,” etc. without taking time to really teach and practice what that looks like.
Here are a few specific examples of how to teach the correct behavior:
• If you want a turn, you can agree on an amount of time, and use the kitchen timer to let you know when time is up.
• When you don’t like what the person is saying or doing in the game, you can ask them to stop, use an ‘I-statement’ like “I don’t want to play if it’s only your rules,” or choose another game.
• When you are getting upset during a game, you can pause and take a deep breath, or count to five, and then try again. 3. Create rhythms in your family life that build positive feelings among siblings. One idea is to have family meetings weekly, where you do three things:
• Have a compliment circle where each family member is highlighted for a moment and receives a compliment from each person in the family.
• Solve a problem together that has been frustrating (i.e., “Let’s make a plan for how laundry can go better.”)
• End with a family game, dance party or ice cream sundaes.
One of my coaching-client mamas has done this for two months with 10- and 13-year-olds. She says, “The kids now look forward to our family meetings. They love the compliments, and appreciate being involved in family solutions. Last night we took it to a whole new level and played indoor family four-square afterwards. It was the best meeting and night with the kids.”
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
