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Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q: We are visiting my in-laws for the holidays and I’m nervous because they don’t parent how we want to parent. I want it to be a nice time together. Any suggestions?
Family visits are such a special time, but they can also bring up new questions for parents. Whether you’re hosting relatives or spending time at their home, having others around can bring different expectations and routines that don’t always align with what you do at home. You might wonder how to respond if a grandparent’s rules or reactions don’t match yours, or how to support your child in being respectful even when things feel a little different. So today, let’s explore some simple ways to handle these moments with calm and confidence. With a few thoughtful ideas, you can enjoy family visits while keeping what matters most for your family in focus. I’ll share three ideas to help you navigate these times so you can feel steady, stay connected to your family values and allow everyone to feel included and respected during the visit.
Three Ways to Parent Your Child When You are Staying With Family
1. Make agreements in advance
Making a few plans ahead of time can go a long way during family visits. Setting up agreements in advance and sharing them can help everyone feel more comfortable. For example, start talking about possible situations with your child and in-laws before you even arrive at their house by saying something like:
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
“Sometimes he needs a quiet moment if he’s having big feelings, so we might use this little space to help him calm down.” (i.e., referencing a side bedroom or quiet area of the house)
“At dinner, we usually let his meal stay here till bedtime if he decides he is done eating. That way if he’s still hungry we don’t have to get into snacks later.”
You can also share some of your usual routines, like bedtime, getting out the door or leaving a park routine. (Sidenote: If you don’t have routines for these areas, I recommend checking out episode 63 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.)
2. Let it be different
Sometimes, little differences can be OK. When family is around, being flexible with things like food or daily routines may bring ease for everyone.
For example, if a grandparent says, “Eat your peas first to have dessert,” even if that’s not how you usually handle meals, letting it go for the visit likely won’t disrupt your child’s habits. Consistent routines at home are what shape their big picture, so allowing a small difference on a trip can even teach adaptability.
For instance, my kids usually have treats only on weekends, but if we’re with family midweek and grandma offers cookies, I might say, “Ask grandma if it’s OK to have a cookie today.” Sometimes, family members may encourage your child to be a little more independent too, which can be a nice reminder of how much they’re growing. A little change for a short time can often be a healthy shift.
3. Reframe and explain what others say
Sometimes family members say things in ways that don’t quite match your parenting values. There’s a gentle way to help your child understand while also maintaining a sense of respect for that family member.
If a relative says something like, “Don’t be a bad boy,” and that doesn’t align with how you would word things, you could clear it up in a soft way afterward.
Say, “You’re always a good boy. You know we always tell you that; I think grandpa meant that it wasn’t a very kind choice.”
This approach lets you keep building the values you focus on at home while honoring the relative’s role in the moment.
If something someone says feels hurtful, you might gently say, “Sometimes people say things differently; they’re working on their way of speaking, just like we all have things we’re growing in.”
By reframing these moments, you give your child reassurance and help them understand the different ways people express themselves. Once you’re back home, a little “reset” reminder can bring things back to your family’s usual flow. This allows everyone to be themselves and feel respected.
Family visits can be such a special opportunity to build connections and make memories together. By taking a little time to set up agreements, embrace small differences and offer gentle explanations when needed, you can create a visit that feels meaningful and smooth for everyone. These moments allow your child to see the world through different eyes while feeling steady and supported by you. With a few simple strategies, family time can feel lighter and more enjoyable, leaving everyone with happy memories and a sense of warmth and understanding.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/ questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
