Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

Q: “How do I help my daughter navigate friendships? She’s only 4 and she has a friend who often says, “You’re not my friend anymore,” and it leaves my daughter so distraught. I’d love some ideas to help her navigate those big emotions surrounding friendship.”

A: It sounds like your daughter’s experience is very age-appropriate and also very frustrating. Though we may want to save our children from struggles, these can be very powerful teachable moments.

The lessons possible here include:

» Loving yourself no matter what others say.

» Communicating your feelings to others (letting them know how you feel when they say things like that).

» And how to set boundaries with someone who has been hurting your feelings.

I would recommend talking with your daughter about the following friendship strategies to build her self-reflection skills, boundaries and communication tools. And, yes, kids as young as 4 can certainly start learning these skills. To dive into it clearly, I’m offering some sample scripts, that lead with asking your child their thoughts first, and then offering a suggestion.

1. How to love yourself no matter what others say:

First, ask a question: “When your friend says you aren’t her friend anymore, what thoughts or feelings do you notice in your heart or mind?”

Follow with a suggestion: “I wonder if those are times you might want a mantra to repeat in your head, like ‘I know I’m loveable/cool/ amazing, even if she says we aren’t friends.’”

2. How to communicate your feelings and know how to set boundaries:

First, ask a question: “I wonder how it feels when your friend says that? And what would you like her to say instead?”

Follow with a suggestion: “Here is a three-step recipe for how you could share that with your friend. It’s something grown-ups use in relationships of all kinds (work, marriage, friendships), called “nonviolent communication.”

1. I feel (feeling word)

2. When….(describe the situation that just happened)

3. I’d like/rather… (ask for what you’d like them to do instead)

For example, “I feel sad when you say you aren’t my friend anymore. I’d like if you could just say you are mad at me and want to play with someone else today.”

For young kids, the non violent communication recipe can be summarized as “bugs and wishes.” “It bugs me when you… (describe the situation), and I wish you would… (say what you want them to do differently.)”

FLORA: To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.