5 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
Q: What do I do when my 4-yearold has a meltdown or starts demanding things in public? It’s so embarrassing to think of it happening that I now avoid taking him places (like Target, for sure). But with the fall holidays coming up, I want to be able to take him to a pumpkin patch, the Christmas Stroll, etc.
A: If you’re anything like me, parenting a 4-year-old can feel like you’re parenting Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment your child is so sweet and adventurous and saying the funniest thing…and the next minute they are clingy/ demanding/sobbing for what feels like no reason. Here are some key tools to calm the chaos quickly.
1. Understand the Science of a 4-year-old
Erickson’s stages of human development categorize a 3 to 5-year-old in the stage of figuring out “Initiative vs. Guilt.” What that means is that tons of research tells us it is normal and important for kids at this age to be exploring how they can exert power and control over the world through play and social interactions. If the child is met with encouragement and ways to feel powerful in a socially positive way, they will begin to have more and more independence. If they are met with frustration and control (by adults around them), they develop feelings of guilt (feeling bad or embarrassed that they couldn’t complete a task how they wanted to).
So, what can we do?
Look for ways to encourage more positive initiative in your child, to prevent the upset/ meltdowns.
» Make agreements in advance: In the parking lot of the store, review the expectations of walking with calm feet, not buying anything besides the five items on your list and the plan that – if they find cool toys they like – you are happy to put those on their Amazon wish list for the holidays.
» Catch them doing things well: “Thank you for coming over calmly when I asked you to keep your hands on the cart.”
» Be clear about when-then’s: “When we do a good job with all the agreements we discussed, then we will be able to do trips to Target together. When we don’t, that shows me you may not be ready for this.” Or “When you do a good job with these agreements, then we will go to the park after. When we don’t, we won’t.”
2. When the Meltdowns StartConnect Before You Correct
Picture a moment at Target where you find yourself on the tenth round of saying, “I have told you to stop yelling, and stop grabbing things. Why can’t you listen?” Instead of repeating one more correction, try this:
» Pull the child in close and pause. “Let’s take a breath and hug for just a moment.” Take time for a 15-30 second silent hug.
» Name the challenge: “Buddy, I noticed you’re having a hard time with this shopping trip. There are so many exciting things, aren’t there?” Or “I bet it feels fun to be in these big aisles and they look good for running.” These small gestures lay the foundation for trust and cooperation.
3. Redirect
» If your child has the wiggles – give an outlet for wiggles: Let’s take a moment and stomp all our wiggles out, so we can walk slowly again.
» If your child isn’t managing freedom well, set limits (with a vibe focused on choices): “I notice it’s just feeling too hard to walk with slow feet; so if I see your feet starting to get fast one more time, I’ll help you into the cart to sit instead for the rest of the shopping trip. Do you want to choose to walk calm, or have me help you into the cart to sit?”
» Redirect his thoughts with a question: “Can you remind me – what do we need to do to go to the park after? Do you remember what we talked about before we came in the store?”
» Be willing to take a break to reset If he begins to try to run from you or starts screaming, I recommend a bench or bathroom as a great place for a “reset” break. For more information on resets (and how they are way different from time-outs), check out Episode 37 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.
Amid the moments of chaos and clamor of parenting a 4-year-old, let’s remember this is actually a really special age and stage. Those around the age of being a “three-nager” are navigating a world of wonder and discovery, and it’s our privilege to guide them with love and compassion. So, let’s lean into connection, sprinkle a little curiosity and playfulness into our days and celebrate the ways our littles help us to grow.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
