KEEP CALM AND MARRY ON

How to truly enjoy your wedding and focus on the day, not the details

BY JENNIFER C. FRAKES

WE’VE BEEN LIVING in anxious times of late. Lots of cancelled plans and so much up in the air. Planning a wedding any time brings stress, as well as excitement and anticipation. But planning a wedding in 2020 is a whole nother story. If you’ve ever asked a recently married friend for any advice, or what they wish they could do over, chances are they will all say the same thing. When the big day nally arrives—just enjoy it. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Soak it in. The day goes by so quickly! Have fun and appreciate it, even if little things go wrong. But that can be easier said than done. How exactly do you stay calm, cool and collected when you desperately want everything you’ve worked for to come together as you’ve envisioned? You can’t control everything that happens on your wedding day, but you can control how you react to it and your own state of well-being. And some of the ways to do that may surprise you.

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PRE-NUPTIALS

Before the day, don’t try to do away with anxiousness or stress. “In the days leading up to the wedding, remember to embrace the anxious feelings,” said Nikki Rauner, MSW, LCSW, a psychologist with Emotional Health Therapy. “Anxiety is a neutral emotion. When we can see it as a neutral emotion, we realize it is not bad or good, it’s just an emotion. Emotions around an exciting, transitional, stressful, fun event, are completely typical.” Rauner said if you welcome the anxiety, you are allowing that emotion to come in, making room for other emotions like excitement, happiness and joy. Often times, we label unpleasant emotions such as sadness and anxiousness as bad. When we do this, we are judging our emotions, and more unpleasant emotions surface. Try to acknowledge the emotion, give yourself some time to feel that unpleasant emotion, and wait and see what happens.

This is also the idea behind mindfulness, a popular buzzword lately. Mindfulness is basically a state of being open and actively noticing the present, without judging emotions and thoughts. This can serve everyone throughout their day, but especially you on your wedding day.

After you have acknowledged the emotions, write down your thoughts, Rauner advised. “Your thoughts actually drive your emotions. If you can gure out your thoughts, you can create an action to-do list around the anxious thoughts. You will nd that when you identify your thoughts, you are able to shift them. When you shift your thoughts, you naturally shift your emotions.” You might worry, for example, that your uncle will drink too much at the reception. That’s the initial thought. Answer that thought with yes, he might drink too much and that will not be a re ection on me. I’m not my uncle. Or even, I’ll directly ask my uncle to limit his alcohol intake. However you are able to shift the thought, you can change your anxious feelings from there.

You may also want to consider trying yoga in the months before the wedding. In addition to helping you look great in your dress, practicing yoga can help decrease stress and anxiety, promote positive thinking, raise self-awareness, improve productivity and creativity and lead to greater self-con dence, said Kate Sanders, a yoga instructor with Charge Yoga. Taking a regular class throughout the wedding planning process is an ideal way to center, calm and reenergize yourself. Ever wonder how Jennifer Aniston looks so great at 51? She’s a yoga devotee. “Yoga also improves strength and exibility, muscle tone, balance, and posture,” Sanders said. “And it’s great for your cardiovascular and circulatory health.”

“It was a great way to get to know the other guests a little bit more, and it was both calming and energizing. It really set the tone for the day.”

A yoga class the day before the wedding for you and your bridesmaids, and maybe your mother and future mother-in-law, could be a fun bonding experience that bene ts everyone, even rst-timers. Some instructors will come to a private home, your hotel or your favorite park and can cater to all levels of experience. Your bridal party will likely nd a private yoga class relaxing and low-key…you may even inspire those new to yoga to continue on with their sun salutations and downward dogs.

“I went to a destination wedding and all the guests were invited to a yoga class on the beach the morning of the ceremony,” recalled Abby Gresham. “It was a great way to get to know the other guests a little bit more, and it was both calming and energizing. It really set the tone for the day.”

THE DAY HAS ARRIVED

Just as psychologist Nikki Rauner advises you to recognize being anxious before the wedding, it’s the same for the day of (and beyond). “In order to stay calm the day of the wedding, don’t think about staying calm. Lean into your thoughts and emotions. If you worry about staying calm on the day, you will likely hyper-focus on staying calm, which creates unsettling anxious feelings,” Rauner said. She said instead to say to yourself: “I’m going to enjoy all the moments I can on the day of my wedding, and I will probably be anxious and stressed at other points.”

That way, you are setting a realistic expectation of yourself. “When you allow yourself stressful moments, you will more likely be able to move out of those quicker, if you already allowed yourself to have those moments. When we put an expectation on ourselves about how we are allowed to feel, we often nd that we escalate those feelings of anxiety because what began as a moment of stress, is now compounded with new stressful thoughts about how we need to calm down,” said Rauner.

Rauner likens it to the idea that if we see someone walking on the street and do not want to say hi, it is best to nod and say hello, rather than follow them around and tell them we will not talk to them. The same is true for stress and anxiety, nod and say hello, so you can move on. Do not follow the thought around and say I won’t be anxious, or you’re staying with the anxiety.

Another, more pragmatic thing to help prepare for the big day is to count on a couple of besties. “Have your one or two people that you know calm you or always seem to say the right thing when you are stressed,” suggested Rauner. “Have a plan prior to the day so they know the support you’ll need. You might have a ‘code word’ that means this person will know you need to take a walk or have a quick private moment. Then they can simply implement your escape plan.”

Sneaking away for a brief private moment at the reception is doable, but breaking into the warrior or half moon pose in your gown may raise some eyebrows. Practicing yoga in the months leading up to the wedding will already help ground you, but tting in a few yoga moves the morning of your wedding is worth the brief time it takes. Sanders suggests these ve poses that anyone can do: child’s pose, eagle pose, corpse pose, legs-up-the-wall pose and the puppy pose. Of course, another great thing about yoga is that you can nd video demonstrations of these poses on your phone and do them anywhere.

Your wedding day will most likely go by quickly, whether everything goes according to plan or there are some hiccups along the way. That’s all the more reason to feel OK with however you are feeling, notice the ups and the downs, and savor every bit of it. ♥