LISA JANSEN I
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www.mortonsbooks.co.uk
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DiscoverYOUR personal pathto a happierlife 10/10/2019 15:40
FITALL DiscoverYOUR personal pathto a happierlife A practical and engaging approach to creating a happier life, based on your individual personality, values and strengths Author: LisaJansen
First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Banovallum an imprint ofMortons Books Ltd. Media Centre Morton Way Homcastle LN9 6JR www.mortonsbooks.co.uk
CopyrightŠ Lisa Jansen 2019 ISBN 978 1 9n658 oo 9 The right of Lisa Jansen to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, or any information storage retrieval system without prior permission in writing from the publisher. Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPL
To New Zealand- My HappyPlace Thank you for letting me make you my home.
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To My SaltwaterFamily You are what took my life from good to great.
Acknowledgments
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surreal to be sitting here writing acknowledgments for a book I wrote that is about to be published. It is a total dream-come-true moment. I feel incredibly proud of what I have achieved, but more than anything, I feel grateful that I have been given this opportunity. While you can certainly write a book entirely on your own, I think most writers will agree that writing a book is teamwork. You need people who inspire and encourage you to get started, you need people who support you throughout the journey and who push you to keep going when it gets tough, and you need people to help you polish and publish the book. I feel fortunate to have had many amazing people alongside me at every step, and I want to take this opportunity to thank them. My deepest thanks go to Steven O'Hara, Daniel Sharp and the rest of the team at Mortons Media Group for giving me a shot and believing in this book. It is hard to find publishers that are willing to give first-time authors a chance. It's even harder to find any that are as supportive, transparent and collaborative as the Mortons team has been. Publishing your first book can be overwhelming. There is a lot of uncertainty and many new situations. I feel very lucky to have a publisher who always answered all my questions, always listened to my opinion and helped me publish a book T FEELS
that I am genuinely proud of and believe in. Thank you to my editor Pauline Hawkins who helped finetune and polish the book. Thank you to Rosie Ward for designing such an awesome cover and thank you to page designer Kelvin Clements for turning my words into a beautiful looking book. A very special thank you to my beta readers who have provided so much valuable feedback, support and encouragement. Thank you, Alana, for being the first one who read the book from start to finish. Your positive feedback kept me going when I doubted myself and this book. Thank you to Terri for sharing such fantastic suggestions even though we barely knew each other. Thank you to Eve for all the feedback and encouragement and for being the best friend anyone could ask for. Thank you to everyone else who read parts of the book and shared their thoughts and suggestions with me. One Size Does Not Fit All would not be what it is without your input. This book would not exist ifl hadn't turned my life around the way I did. I wouldn't have been able to do that, if it hadn't been for the people who guided, supported and inspired me along the way.The last 13years since I moved to New Zealand have been such an incredible experience. Sometimes I still can't believe how far I have come. None of that would have been possible without a number of important people. Thank you to Dr Deb Shepherd from the University of Auckland for introducing me to the concept of personal development and for being an amazing mentor during a very crucial time in my life. Thank you to my Sparkies, especially Sonali, for being my first New Zealand family and for showing me what it feels like to belong somewhere. Thank you to the Banff crew for giving me a home when I needed one and for bringing so much fun into my life. Thank you to Celine for being such a special colleague turned housemate turned life-long friend.
Thank you to my parents and siblings for all your support over the years. Very special thanks to my saltwater family; Eve & Preston, Andy,Alana &Hugo, Skye &Dave,Jo &Robbie,Adam, Nina & Anton, Sam, Luciana & Graeme, Damiana & Aaron, and all the little ones. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. You are what took my life from good to great, and there is no way this book would exist if it hadn't been for your friendship and support. Last but by no means least, thank you to you, the readers. I love writing to help and inspire people, and the idea that even just one person will get a lot of value out of this book is what motivated me to write it and what kept me going through the difficult phases. Thank you for reading my book. I hope you like it.
Contents INTRODUCTION
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How to Get the Most Out ofThis Book ....................
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1
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8
13
MY JOURNEY ..................................................................... PART I: UNDERSTANDING
HAPPINESS ........
Happiness and Success.....................
23
.. ............................
Happiness and Positive Emotions ........ .... ............... .... ...............
.. .......... 27 .... ......... 32
Happiness and Negative Emotions ...................................... Why Do We Strive for Happiness? ......................................... What Determines How Happy We Are? ..... . ...............
The Happiness Formula .....................
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36
44 48
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Is Happiness Genetic? ......................................................
50
Is Happiness Determined by our Life Circumstances? ..............
52
Is Happiness Determined by our Voluntary Actions? ...............
53
Your Definition of Happiness ....................................... PART II: GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF .......
Your Personality ...................................
... ...... 57
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. . . ......
Personality and Happiness ................................................. Can Personality Change? .................... Personality Types ............................
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The Big Five ..................................................
67
.. .......... 74 .. ........... 78 .. ........... 82
Myers- Briggs Type Indicator .......................................... Your Personal Values ..............................................
Values vs. Social Ideals and Expectations ..................
59
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90
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107
.. ......... 109
Why is Knowing Our Values So Important? ........................
110
Identifying Your Core Values ...........................................
117
Living Your Values ................................
124
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127
Your Strengths and Weaknesses ........................................... Turn Negatives into Positives ................... Your Personal Profile ...............................
..... .............. . .. ................
... .. ...
135
. .. .... 140
PART III: THE SCIENTIFIC
VIEW OF FINDING
HAPPINESS
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Life Circumstances ...........................................................
145 153
Money and Materialistic Goods .......................................
153
Work .......................................................
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160
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167
Relationships ........................
... ................
Major Tragic Events .......................................................
171
Education . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173 Health .................................
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177
Summary and Exercise .............. ...................
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180
Voluntary Activities ..........................................................
184
Gratitude ....................................................................
185
Goals ..........................................................
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190
... ............... ... ..............
193
Mindfulness ............................. Altruism and Kindness ................ Exercise ..................................
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.. ............... 201
... ................ ... ..............
Positive Thinking ..........................................................
205 209
Other Voluntary Activities That Might Make Us Happier. ...... 214 Summary and Exercise ................................................... Life Circumstances vs. Voluntary Activities ......... .. ................. PART IV: THE FOUR PILLARS OF HAPPINESS
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215 220 225
Self-Love and Respect .....................................................
228
Purpose and Meaning .................
232
Taking Responsibility ...................
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Open-Mindedness ............................................................
236 241
PART V: DESIGN YOUR HAPPINESS
249
BLUEPRINT ........................
The Five Blueprint Rules.......................................
.......... 253
Let's Look at Some Examples ............. ...................
.......... 259
1.The Building Blocks ofYour Life....................................... 2. What Will Make You Happy?................................ .......... 3. What Brings YouJoy and Pleasure?......................... ........... 4. What Gets in the Way of YourHappiness?................ .. ........
266 269 271 273
5. Identifying Goals ..........................................................
275
6. Committing to Actions ..........................
279
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7. Bringing it All Together ................................................... PART VI: LIVING YOUR BLUEPRINT
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281 .... .. ...
287
Putting Your Blueprint into Action ........... ... ................ ... ..... 290 Get in the Right Mindset ................................................
291
More Tips for Putting Your Blueprint into Action ................
299
Review, Revise, Improve ........................................... How to Review Your Blueprint. ........... ................... EPILOGUE
......... 305 ... ....... 308
313
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NOTES ...........
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Introduction '51.llwho have accomplishedgreat things have had a great aim, havefixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimesseemedimpossible." ORISON SWETT MARDEN
INTRODUCTION
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s YOUR life as amazing and fulfilling as it could be? Chances are, you don't think it is, otherwise you probably wouldn't have picked up this book. Maybe you feel mostly unhappy and like you're not living up to your potential. Maybe you feel like your life is going pretty well and that you have a lot to be proud of and grateful for, but that there is still room for improvement. No matter where you're at right now, you probably picked up this book because you feel like your life could be better and happier. You're not alone. Even though most of us have more than ever before, our lives are more comfortable than ever and the fundamental needs of most people are met, true and lasting happiness still seems to be hard to find for many. I used to be one of those people. Today, I'm extremely happy. My life is fun and meaningful, I have amazing friends, I feel comfortable with who I am and I'm fit and healthy. My life is better than I could have ever imagined. However, that wasn't always the case. Up until about 12 years ago, I was unhappy. My life felt boring, meaningless and like it was going nowhere, and I felt lonely and disconnected. I was severely overweight, unfit and unhealthy, depressed at times and without hope. I had no purpose and no goals and no idea how to change my life for the better. I wanted nothing more than to feel happy and 3
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content, to feel like my life was meaningful, enjoyable and worth living. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and feel a sense of pride and confidence. I wanted to feel like I was living life to the fullest and that I was the best version of myself Today I do, but it was a long journey. The more I read and learned about happiness and the more I talked to people about it, the more I realised that many others feel similar to the way I did for so many years. Some are outright unhappy with their lives and themselves, while others are somewhat happy but feel like they could be happier, and others are already pretty happy but worry about maintaining that feeling in the long run or just want more happiness. Regardless of their specific personal reasons, there are millions of people out there who are searching for a happier life. But like me, many don't know how to turn things around and change their life for the better. It comes as no surprise then, that Amazon lists more than roo,ooo results when you search for "happiness" in books. Even when you narrow it down to books in the self-help category,you are still presented with more than 20,000 results - and that is just books and doesn't even include the countless articles, courses, podcasts, documentaries and all sorts of other content. There surely is no shortage of insights and wisdom on the topic. So why, you may ask, did I see the need for yet another book about happiness? Great question! The answer is: because I believe that most of the existing literature and advice around happiness misses a key point. I'm not going to claim that I've come even close to reading all 20,000 self-help books about happiness, but I have read quite a few. Many of them have delivered incredibly valuable insights, lessons and ideas that have helped me on my journey to a happier life. However, the more I read, the more frustrated I became with one specific issue: most of the current advice takes a one-size-fits-all approach to happiness. 4
INTRODUCTION
Authors present Five Steps to a Happy Life, the Six Principles of Happiness or The Secret to a Happier Life. While their insights and advice undoubtedly have been helpful throughout my journey, they often overlook the fact that we are all unique individuals. Most authors base their insights either on research that reports what works for the average person or the majority, or on spiritual concepts that, while often valuable, simply don't resonate with everyone. Authors of books on happiness often only put very little, if any, emphasis on the fact that their advice might not be applicable to all readers. Only a very few encourage readers to consider the advice given in the context of who they are. In short, they don't seem to pay much attention to the fact that a life that is fulfilling and happy for one person might not be so for someone else and the way to finding happiness is different for different people, simply because they have unique personalities, values, strengths and weaknesses. A lot of the existing literature on happiness can be beneficial if the reader can analyse and interpret the information in the context of their own personality, values and beliefs. However, that is often challenging to do, even for the most self-aware people, and basically impossible for anyone who does not have a clear picture of who they are, what motivates and drives them and what ultimately will lead them to a happier life. Therefore, any suggestions, methods, techniques and advice around happiness should take individualism and uniqueness into account-which is what this book aims to do. People have often asked me what it was that helped me turn my life around and find happiness. I will share my journey in more detail in the next chapter, but for now I want to focus on the one key factor that had a huge impact on me: gaining knowledge. I started to learn, to soak up knowledge about happiness, the meaning of life and various other 5
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topics. I learned about personality, values and what it is that makes us all unique. I learned how to bring change into my life and how to make it last. This knowledge wasn't the only factor that contributed to me finding happiness. It also took a lot of determination and discipline, and luck was probably a bit of a factor as well. But it was this knowledge that gave me the power, inspiration and skills to make the changes I needed to make. However, the really great stuff didn't come from having knowledge of these individual areas, but from being able to put all of it together. The real breakthrough came once I had learned enough about myself to be able to view other insights about happiness and living a meaningful life in the context of who I am instead of blindly following one-size-fits-all advice. I truly found happiness once I understood that most of the insight and advice you see in books and articles is based on averages, majorities or individual experiences and that hardly any of it always applies to everyone. We read about research findings that say this or that makes people happy or we hear stories from other people about what made them happy and we assume that it applies to all of us. However, the truth is, it simply doesn't. There is no one right way to find happiness that will work for all of us. To truly find lasting happiness we need to create our own path, our own blueprint, designed for our individual personality, values and strengths and weaknesses. The goal of this book is to help you do precisely that. I'm not a mental health professional. I don't have a Masters or PhD in psychology,sociology or any other related field. I haven't spent hundreds of hours treating patients. I'm just an ordinary person like you - almost. So what qualifies me to write a book about happiness? Most importantly, that I have achieved it, despite the fact that it didn't come easy. Research suggests that it is rare and difficult for people to change their happiness level in a significant and lasting way. However, challenging and 6
INTRODUCTION
unusual as it might be, it can be done. I'm proof of that. For most of my life, up until about eight years ago, I would have rated my level of happiness a 4 or maybe a 5 out of rn (with rn being the highest). For the last 3-4 years, I would have rated myself a solid 8 and today I would even say a 9. And the main reason I don't say rn is that I like the idea that it can be even better in the future. This book is my attempt to share my experience and insights with others, in a way that is not only easy to understand but, more importantly, practical and actionable. While it is inspired by, and draws heavily on, my own experience, all the insights in this book are backed up by extensive reading and review of existing research. I have spent countless hours reading scientific papers and research findings (and those things are not exactly light reading, trust me). I read numerous books and interviews with, or articles by, leading experts in the field and I've spent many hours reviewing and analysing what I learned. However, despite the research I've done, I don't claim to be a professional or a trained expert, and I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. Luckily, the purpose of this book is not to provide all the answers. It's about asking the right questions, making you think and analyse facts for yourself, giving ideas and tips and guiding you through the process of developing your own blueprint for a happier life. And it doesn't matter if you are currently rating your happiness an 8 or a 4 on the rn-point happiness scale. As long as you are sincerely motivated to improve your life, this book will be of value to you, no matter what your starting point is. This book is divided into six sections. The first part provides insights into what happiness is in an easy to understand way. We will look at how happiness is different from positive emotions and success, learn about the role of negative emotions and take a look at what top-level factors contribute 7
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to our happiness. The second part is all about you. Through a combination of straightforward insights and discussions and engaging exercises, you will learn more about yourself, your personality, your values and your strengths and weaknesses. After that, we will turn our focus back to happiness and review existing research about what may or may not make us happy. You will be encouraged to analyse this information in the context of what you have learned about yourself, and exercises will help you identify the aspects that matter most to you. After that, part four discusses what are considered the Four Pillars of Happiness before part five brings it all together and guides you through a fun and engaging process to develop your own highly individual blueprint for a happier life. The sixth and final part will provide tips on how to put this plan into action and how to continually review and refine your plan to make sure your happiness lasts.
How to Get the Most Out of1his Book The goal of this book is to help you develop your unique and personal blueprint for a happier life and to help you put it into action. That means this book will require your active participation and input. You will be challenged to learn about yourself so you can analyse information in the context of who you are and what is relevant to you. You are the one that will develop your personal blueprint, and it will be up to you if and how you put it into action. But the interactive style of this book will make the process engaging and fun, and, if you do it right, the end result will be more than worth the effort. Happiness won't come overnight. It will be a journey and you need to be willing to put effort into it and continuously work on it. In many ways, finding happiness is like building 8
INTRODUCTION
your dream home. Before you can even start building, you need to work to save the capital, and you need to develop your plans. As you begin building, things are likely to evolve, either because you change your mind or because something unforeseen happens. Once construction is done, you move in, but it isn't really your dream home until you've made it your own by arranging your furniture, decorating and by starting to make memories in the new house. But then you did it; you are living in your dream home. Happy days! However, chances are within a few years you'll start noticing little things you don't like any more, things break down or wear out and need to be fixed or you realise you need more space. So you start redecorating and renovating, maybe even adding a whole new part to the house. Over the years, your home will have to change for you to continue to consider it your dream home. Just like building your dream home, finding happiness requires capital, and knowledge is the capital for finding happiness. This knowledge will help you design your plan for a happier life, but once you have a plan, you need to be prepared to make alterations as you implement it. Once you've executed your plan, you might be happy, but over time, the same things that used to bring you happiness don't work any more, and you need to review and update your approach to happiness. Just like living in your dream home is a journey, so is finding happiness. There will be times where you just have it and can enjoy it but, most likely, you will need to make changes and adjustments to keep feeling happy.
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Building yourDreamHome
Creating a Happy Life
Workhardto savethecapital youneed
Workhardto learn,gaininsights and understanding (knowledge isthecapital youneedfora happylife)
Develop theplansforyour house
Develop yourplanfora happier life(your blueprint)
Startbuilding
Startmaking changes to putyourplaninto action
Makeminorvariations onthe goascircumstances change (e.g.,delays, newcontractors, youdecide youwantadifferent colour, etc.)
Continuously review andimprove your planasyoustartputtingit intoaction based onwhatdoesordoesn't workand newinsights you're gaining.
Move-in day
Afteryour'building' phase, youwill reach apointwhereyoustartnoticing some improvements inyouroverallhappiness (butyou're notdone)
Makeit yourhome:movein yourfurniture, decorate, make memories, etc.
Overtime,yourhappiness increases bitby bitasyouputmoreandmorepartsofyour planintoactionandkeepatit.
Timeto renovate, change, improve.
Justasyoumightwantto makechanges toyourdreamhomeovertime,youare likelytowantto makechanges toyour Happiness Blueprint. Asyouachieve goals oryourlifecircumstances change, your values andpriorities will change aswell, andwiththat,yourrequirements fora happylife.
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Why do so many of us struggle to live truly happy and fulfilling lives - despite the abundance of literature and advice that's available?
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9 781911 658009 E9.99
US $14.99
FINAL One Size Does Not Fit All.indd 1
www.mortonsbooks.co.uk
10/10/2019 15:40