MOTHERHOOD
how getting rid of stuff saved my motherhood By Allie Casazza Photography By Erin Delaney
I
was struggling. I thought I was the only mom in the
functioning. I was that student in school who stays up all
world who couldn’t get it together, who wasn’t really
night studying and gets a C. That’s how I felt about my life.
enjoying motherhood. I felt terrible. I sat on my couch
I was trying so hard! I felt little satisfaction, little joy, and
with a giant pile of laundry next to me. Another day had
every day was a battle for my time.
come and gone and I had barely been able to keep up. The days were flying by me; my kids were all four years old and
I asked other moms and friends I respected if this was
under, but I felt like I had missed what childhood they’d had
normal, how they managed their homes and kids, and if they
so far. I was always cleaning up.
felt like they enjoyed it. What I was met with was a resounding “Oh yeah, I remember those days! That’s mother-
When I thought about my days and how I spent my time, all
hood. It’ll be okay and you’ll get through it.”
I saw were stacks of dishes, an endless mountain of laundry, and piles of toys and books and markers and jackets and
“You’ll get through it.”
shoes and empty water bottles and paper artwork. But what if I wanted more than to just survive in my mothI thought motherhood was going to mean I’d get to enjoy
erhood?
my kids. I chose stay-at-home motherhood because I felt like this is where I was supposed to be—home with my
After another particularly difficult day, I reflected on how I’d
kids. It felt right. Yet, I never spent time truly with them.
yelled, how I’d been the mom I never wanted to be, how I was
I had to keep moving or the house and the day would col-
counting how many hours I had of peace and quiet before
lapse. This made me lose my desire to play with them. What
morning came and I had to start over.
was the point if I was just going to get more behind and more stressed out?
In that moment, I had had enough. I decided I wasn’t going to let this be my life, and this overwhelm and depression
It’s not that I’m a neat freak (in fact, I’m probably pretty near
wasn’t going to rule me any longer. What I did next set my
the opposite). All this work was simply to keep the house
life on a new course and it changed everything.
42
