Indian Brides Say Yes

© 2020 THE NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY There was Cece and Schmidt’s wedding on New Girl, the People magazine spreads of Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, and the lavish Isha Ambani wedding where Beyoncé performed. Rent the Runway recently start ed testing formal Indian garb for guests. But even as Indian weddings have entered the mainstream in the United States, and more first-generation Indian Americans get mar ried, the options for bridal clothing in the United States are limited.

A quick tutorial in the garb: Wedding garments and colours can differ based on the region of India where brides are from, but many wear lehengas in shades of red, pink or orange for their ceremonies. These include a cropped top, flowing skirt and a sash known as a dupatta. It’s common to wear lightercoloured lehengas or gowns for receptions and brightly coloured lehengas or saris for prewedding events, like a Sangeet, which is an evening event centered on song and dance. While the internet has expanded access to Indian attire, a wedding dress is one of those pieces of clothing that women reason ably prefer to see and try on in person. In the United States, that quest is often limited to small shops like Nazranaa on Oak Tree Road in Iselin, New Jersey, and stores that are essentially set up in family homes.

Anu Rajasingham, a 35-year-old public health engineer for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, visited one such home in the Atlanta area last year while searching for wedding saris from Sabyasa chi Mukherjee. It was an unusual retail experience, she said, given that Mukherjee is one of India’s top designers and the host of an Indian wedding dress show akin to Say Yes to the Dress. But the address was listed on the brand’s website. “We drove for 45 minutes and got to a very suburban-looking house, and all of us were like, ‘Is this really it?’” Rajasingham said. “And then down stairs in her basement, she essentially had a mini Sabyasachi store.”

When Rajasingham, who is of Sri Lank an descent, couldn’t find the right white sari for her ceremony, she was told that she could receive images of the designer’s upcoming collection through WhatsApp photos and, upon making an order, share her measure ments through Skype. Ultimately, though, it was a challenge to discern the outfits from grainy WhatsApp images, she said, moti vating her to make a shopping trip to Chennai, India, and Sri Lanka.

These frantic searches have fueled a lu crative business for Indian designer Anita Dongre, who opened a 5,000-square-foot store in SoHo in Manhattan in 2017 to sell a variety of clothing. Now more than half her business is tied to wedding-related garb for brides and other Indian wedding guests. “There are a few mom-and-pop stores in the U.S., but I would say we are the first Indian wedding wear designer brand there with our flagship in New York,” she said.

Dongre, whose designs have been worn by Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, and Chopra, said she was inspired to ex pand her wedding collection into the United States by the women who travelled to her stores in India. She knew of the pressure to complete their shopping quickly, their con cerns around fittings and the tight management of vacation days.

“Having our store and the brand there just makes it so much more convenient for them to come in,” she said. “She can come

“While the internet has expanded access to Indian attire, a wedding dress is one of those pieces of clothing that women reasonably prefer to see and try on in person”

in with her fiancé, the in-laws, and all of them can be part of that process of help ing her choose a wedding lehenga, and it’s a very special time.”

The popularity of her wedding business has caught her by surprise and piqued the interest of other Indian designers. Calcut ta-based Sabyasachi, for example, recently announced on Instagram that the label will be opening a New York flagship this fall, though the brand didn’t respond to inquiries about how much wedding wear it plans to carry. It also announced a jewellery collabo ration with Bergdorf Goodman.

It speaks to the scarcity of options in the United States that Dongre has been such a hit, given her steep prices. She said that her lighter, non-ceremony lehengas start at $1,000 (Dhs3,673), while bridal outfits rise to $7,000 (Dhs25,707). On average, women spend $1,600 (Dhs5,876) on wedding fash ion, from gowns to jumpsuits, according to a 2019 study by The Knot. But Dongre has benefited from brides who are factoring in the potential cost of a trip to India with their families.

“A trip to India is not cheap so you might as well buy a beautiful lehenga in that amount.” While Dongre sells the lehengas and measures brides in the United States, the garments are still tailor-made in India and then shipped back to her store.

When my parents and I travelled to In dia, as well as my older sister before me, we each brought an empty suitcase. It took up an entire suitcase and, according to my mother, came in at 20 pounds of deep pink fabric and embroidery.

Many stores in India, from designers to regular boutiques, require at least 30 days to customise lehengas and may not ship goods. Eichler, who shopped in January for her June wedding, was told that her two Sabyasachi lehengas would be ready in three months, but she didn’t have time to make another trip to India, and the store did not ship to the United States.

“That whole five months, my parents were constantly looking for who was going to India of all our friends living in the United States,” Eichler said. “I had to coordinate all sorts of handoffs between uncles.”

Until more options emerge for Indian bridal wear in the United States, the shop ping trip to India and all its accompanying chaos remains the norm for many women. On Facebook, a roughly 2,200-member group for Indian American women planning weddings called “The Little Brown Diary” regularly lights up with recommendation requests for visits to Mumbai, Delhi, Ah madabad and more, where they intend to buy their own clothes as well as outfits for family members and bridal parties.

Itineraries are hastily stitched togeth er through tips and direct messages from strangers and references from loved ones, and then it’s time to hope for the best and prepare for totally unpredictable events.

In my case, I’m pleased to report that Asiana Couture was as good as my cousin said it was. In fact, we ended up buying a lehenga that I tried on that first, exhausted night in Delhi – but only after days of visit ing a slew of other shops.

Even though I was halfway around the globe from home, fighting jet lag and wear ing an outfit that had been lifted and tied onto me by no less than three people, I still felt that spark that most of my friends de scribe when they buy their wedding dresses as I exchanged a tearful hug with my moth er. Now, let’s just hope it fits.

10 Frequently Asked Wedding Etiquette Questions

Words: Alix Strauss

If you’re planning a big, fancy wedding – or even a more modest affair – you need to know how to put it all together properly. This is where wedding-etiquette preparation may help. “Protocol, respect and behaviour are still crucial,” said Myka Meier, the founder of Beaumont Etiquette, a consultancy firm in New York. “But many couples don’t know what’s correct. Books don’t address every thing. People want affirmation.”

Etiquette coaches like Meier, in partner ship with hotels, are offering classes for couples and their families looking for guidance on everything from organising rehearsal din ners to tactfully making adults-only requests in the invitations. “There’s a huge return and resurgence to etiquette,” said Meier, who is a founder of the Plaza Hotel Finishing Pro gram, which is held at the Plaza Hotel in New York.

Maggie Oldham, an etiquette coach based in St. Petersburg, Florida, was hired by the Watergate Hotel in Washington earlier this year to teach, among other classes, Etiquette for the Modern Bride. Oldham maintains that understanding proper etiquette is more important than ever “as gender norms are changing, and as our culture has adapted.”

“Brides, grooms, even their parents, feel coming to a class is one more way to look polished and like a princess,” she said.

Here are 10 of the most asked weddingetiquette questions.

01. Who do we have to invite with a plus one? “We used to say, ‘No bling, no bring.’ But that’s completely out of date,” Meier said. “If they’re married, engaged, or living together, they get a plus one, no matter how you feel about that person.” If the couple is dating for six months or more, or is considered in a se rious relationship a plus-one invite would be appropriate. “There’s something significant about half a year,” she added. “I know people who have gotten engaged within that time.”

02. Can we fire a member of our bridal/groom party? Not unless you want to end your relationship. “Keep them in their wedding party, but redistribute their tasks to someone else,” Meier said, adding that it is culturally un derstood that being a bridesmaid comes with certain duties and responsibilities. An other solution? “If someone in the party isn’t pulling their weight, put the wedding plan ner in charge of making sure they’re doing what they’ve been asked to do, like helping plan the brunch, bridal party or shower,” she said. “Then you’re not seen as the bad guy.”

03. How soon can I reach out to people who haven’t RSVPed? Soon. As in the day after the due date. “Typically, guests are given three to four weeks before the wedding date to RSVP,” said Lizzie Post, the great-greatgranddaughter of the etiquette author Emily Post and who is co-president of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vermont. “Once that date has hit, you can call, email or text people.” Post suggested using a friendly tone, saying you’re just checking in and hoping you and whomever you’ve included in the invite are able to come. “Try to get them in person so you’re not left hanging or have to chase after them,” she added. If you can’t reach them directly, give them another hard date. “At some point you will have to decide how long you’re going to hold the spot for them.”

04. Is it inappropriate to do a “honey fund”? No, as long as you’re not asking directly for cash. “Some consider this tacky; others don’t. It’s a modern addition that’s become socially acceptable,” Oldham said. “It’s a nicer way to say, ‘the couple wants cash,’ even though guests think they’re gifting an experience.” Truth is, most couples al ready live together. They own their household items and have picked out their décor. Money for their honeymoon is truly what they want. So that you don’t offend any one, Oldham suggests having a short registry as well. “A smaller list means it will fill up fast,” she said. “So you increase your chances that guests who don’t know what to give will end up gifting to the honey fund.”

05. Who do we have to invite to a rehearsal dinner? A lot of people. “Immediate family, anyone who is in the wedding, and out of town guests,” said Suzanne Pollak, the dean of the Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits, a school specialising in etiquette and entertaining, in South Carolina. What the bride (and groom) might be really ask ing is: How much input do we have with the rehearsal dinner? “If you’re not paying for it, not much,” Pollak said. “You can share how you would like the evening to look, which shouldn’t upstage the wedding, and that the meal being served offers a different feel than the wedding, but if you’re not pay ing, your in-laws call the shots.”

06. Most asked question by besties: Do I really need to give multiple gifts? Unfortunately, yes. “It’s expected and it looks really bad if you go to a shower and everyone has a gift but you,” Pollak said. Best advice? Go big on one; small on the others. “Traditionally you would spend the same amount on a gift that the bride’s parents spent on you to at tend the wedding,” Pollak added. “The wedding gift is your big one. If you’re going to the bachelorette party, and travelling, that’s your gift. Stick to the registry for the shower.

07. Can we have a no-phone, no-social media wedding? “Couples are now about having their guests present, and not wanting them to miss important moments,” Pollak said. This fall she will teach etiquette classes at the Beach Club Hotel at Charleston Har bor Resort and Marina, in South Carolina. For others it’s about privacy. “This is a new wedding etiquette,” she added. “It’s about a celebration, it’s not about advertising your self and where you went over the weekend.”

Those wanting a “no-phone policy” can say so on the invite. Others can share their wishes with a sign seen by guests upon ar rival. “Saying something like, ‘Please leave your phone in your purse or pocket. We promise to share our photos with you after ward,’ is perfectly reasonable,” Pollak said.

08. Can we keep our wedding adults-only without offending anyone? Yes, but tread lightly. “You don’t want to say. ‘No children,’” Oldham said. “Instead, the adults’ names should be the only names on the envelopes.” Some guests may still add their children’s names anyway. “If that happens, call the couple and say, ‘We are so thrilled you’re coming. But this is an adults-only wed ding,’” she added. “The format is geared to adults, and not conducive to kids, so we don’t think they will enjoy the event. But we would love to catch up with all of you after we get back from the honeymoon.’”

09. Do we have to pay for bridesmaids’ and grooms’ flights and rooms? No. Phew. “That’s not your responsibility,” Meier said. “Some couples have a destination wedding so they can intentionally make their wedding smaller because they know a lot of people won’t come. And guests understand a des tination wedding means it’s not mandatory to attend.” Once guests arrive, however, the party and events are on you. And your job doesn’t end there. “Help offset costs by or ganising room blocks, group discounts, even negotiating car service rates,” she added.

10. Can we have a cash bar? Absolutely not. Even a tip jar on the bar is considered distasteful. “If you’re trying to save money, cash bars are still considered tacky,” Oldham said. “If you need to control budgets, serve a set number of drinks.” Or switch your dinner to brunch and serve set bubbles. “You’ll probably slash your reception cost in half by having a morn ing ceremony followed by a late brunch recep- tion,” she added.