VEGETABLE RIGHTS

by Gene Wensel, Hamilton, Montana

I continue to notice a lot of concern over animal welfare here in the Bitterroot. One crisis after another arises concerning dogs, cats, wolves, gophers, hummingbirds, beavers, horses, deer, bear, elk and cattle issues being handled accordingly with justified media concern and coverage. As our Ravalli County population and traffic grows, animal rights activists are infiltrating our communities more than ever.

I was recently confronted by an authentic animal rights activist. The genderspecific ladyperson tried to convince me to quit eating meat, only use margarine or vegetable oil, wear canvas sneakers, rubber Crocs and suspenders rather than leather belts or boots. With ketchup on my mouth, I was in no mood to be converted. I promised her I would quit eating animal crackers as snacks and maybe cut the Woolrich labels off a few of my shirts but that’s about as far as I’ll go toward being an animal rights person. I have a buddy who wears a heavy wool winter coat that probably wiped out an entire flock of sheep. Another friend has a beautiful moleskin shirt that probably cost the lives of a large herd of moles.

I got thinking about animal rights activists; how mixed up and confused they are. Well, I’m here to announce that my confusion is over. I now see clearly that the real challenge of our society is not animal rights, but vegetable rights. I’m proud to say I’m now a self-declared Vegetable Rights Activist. As a matter of fact, I’m so thrilled finding this new cause, I’ve started a brand-new organization called Green Peas. I invite all you carnivores to join.

I daily ask forgiveness for all the fiber that has thoughtlessly passed through my system. This is by no means a confessional. The first task of any movement is conscious awareness. Consider, if you will, the plight of all poor vegetables that have never harmed a soul. We’re literally pulling up carrots, turnips, beets and radishes by their hair. We eat many of them raw. They are living organisms. How do we know a carrot isn’t screaming as we devour it inch by inch?

We cut the eyes out of potatoes. We crush nuts and eat their “meat.” We squeeze apples, oranges, cranberries and grapefruits, then drink their juice as if it were “blood,” a part of some sort of pagan morning ritual. We let grapes ferment or dry up into wrinkled, dehydrated, elderly beings. We distill corn, barley and other grains, drink their resulting products, make fools of ourselves, get headaches, run over citizens on our highways and even kill each other. I suspect it’s the vegetable kingdom’s fitting revenge for disregard of their rights.

We slice, dice, pickle, skin, fry, boil, mash and otherwise abuse defenseless vegetables in every manner imaginable. Only a pervert would take a knife to a kiwi, that cute, furry little thing that never harbored a mean thought. Bananas are disrobed and devoured inch by inch. Crimes against vegetable decency go right to the top. Government farm support programs aim for bumper crops more vicious than road-kills. Is this just an attempt to feed starving people? Let’s not fool ourselves…. It’s just another form of exploitation. As a leader of Green Peas, I’m urging all Bitterrooters to suspend tax payments until our government awakens to these heartless acts.

Home gardening and organic food industries are just two more examples of the innate brutality brought on by human beings. Some will claim they raise vegetables for table fare because they “like the taste,” or to save money. Don’t believe them…. they could eat other things like pasta, Jell-O, mushrooms or tofu. Vegetable abuse can no longer be rationalized. Green Peas will lead the way to clear thinking consciousness. I ask you, if you had to come up with some sort of tool to eat cooked rice, wouldn’t a spoon work better than two bamboo sticks? Picking up snow is also a lot easier using a shovel rather than two broomsticks. How can we hope to raise children with decent minds when supermarket chains disgustingly display half dead veggies right before the eyes of our innocent youth? Do they think children are unaware of the violence already rendered while getting such produce to market? Some vegetables are even purposely harvested while young and tender, before maturity or even given an opportunity to reproduce. Baby carrots are skinned, then packed shoulder to shoulder inside airtight clear plastic bags. Young cucumbers are forced to become intoxicated pickles. Witness conditions in which vegetables are raised. They are deliberately crowded into rows with such uncompromising regimentation and cultivation that they are denied even the most basic opportunities for individuality or personal growth. They are drowned in water and drenched with chemicals. The ultimate form of degradation is “feeding them” animal waste, a most perverse act. If the “medium is the message,” this is the ultimate insult. From the moment of harvest, vegetables are subjected to abuse. They are put on display at our Ravalli County Fair for people to gawk at. Macho men pose with 300 pound pumpkins. By selective breeding and careful cultivation, we are altering gene pools of the botanical world. Beautiful vegetables become obscene centerfolds in seed catalogs. Thoughtless people continue to take liberties with veggies as if they had no feelings or sensitivities whatsoever. They squeeze and fondle tomatoes. They thump and poke melons. They take one bite out of a beautiful apple, find a small worm, then quickly throw it away. I even caught a guy using a hypodermic needle to inject vodka into a picnic watermelon. He thought it was funny. Wicked people cut the hearts right out of artichokes. Don’t humans realize when they eat sunflower seeds, they are consuming the foundation of future generations of sunflowers?

Whole industries continue to support vegetable consumption businesses. Fertilizer industries, farm machine manufacturing and maintenance, canning factories, frozen food processors, silo makers, cereal companies, restaurants, supermarkets, grain mills and truckers all profit from this “dirty” business. In truth, society has shamefully come to accept the abuse of complex carbohydrates. Yes, I’ve heard the argument that veggies would only end up rotting or being consumed by insects if not harvested. “Nature’s ways are cruel.” Bullfeathers! This is just an attempt to justify the unjustifiable. To stab veggies with forks and serve them with “dressing” on plates or bowls is certainly not nature’s way. Attempts to condone or disguise needless suffering on harmless living organisms, be they human, animals, birds, fish, fruit or vegetables are wrong. I recently read that indisputable scientific research has shown us that vegetables are simply beings of a different order. Even though we can’t hear them, those carrots are screaming.

We all need to stand up for vegetable rights! Spray-paint every cotton shirt in the Bitterroot. If I haven’t opened your eyes by now, there is something dreadfully wrong with you. I’m having synthetic t-shirts and bumper stickers printed that will hopefully get our message across. Some will read, “Give a Toot for Beans,” “Weep for Wheat,” “Eating Prunes is a Sh—y Idea,” “Leaf Veggies Alone,” “Shout for Sprouts!” The “Eat a Beaver, Save A Tree” bumper stickers already reveal our problem is being recognized by other concerned citizens in the valley.

I haven’t even attempted to touch on the lumber industry’s abuse of trees. I hesitate, due to the many log home businesses up and down the Bitterroot as well as feeling a little hypocritical expecting you to read my wisdom on newspaper rather than the electronic mail option. Nor have I mentioned the thoughtless tradition of sending wounded flowers to sickly loved ones.

No pun intended, but the time is ripe to act. Farmers are an increasingly smaller percentage of our Montana population. Strike now. Even though a minority, vegetable rights activists of Green Peas need to band together with media and legislature. Farmers are tied up with credit problems, irrigation issues and support programs. People continue to invest in millions of unborn vegetable seeds. Just because we’ve been doing nothing for centuries does not necessarily mean we’ve been right all along. Reason and logic must prevail. Green Peas is the answer.

I personally feel much better now that I’ve curbed my intake of vegetables and chemical additives. I have feelings for the defenseless victims of farming and gardening. Become a savior of veggies. Do you have what it takes to endorse Green Peas as a vegetable rights activist? I feel it’s a movement whose time has come! Join Green Peas and send contributions to the cause. Thank you for your support, but please get in contact with me as soon as possible, as lately I have been feeling a bit light headed and experiencing unexplained rapid weight loss.